My Stupid Macademia
The following is a non-profit work of fiction based on a much greater work. My Hero Academia is owned by Funimation, Studio Bones, Viz Media, Shueisha, and Kohei Horikoshi. Please support the official release.
The world of Super Powers.
People began gaining mutations, called Quirks, around some time after the modern Ming Dynasty finally died out. A child with a golden glow around him was the beginning of a revolution in what was considered 'normal'. Since the little piece of work was born, more babies with abilities ranging from 'awesome' to 'what's the point of this?' were popping up all over the world. Most of them popped up in Japan, for some reason that had nothing to do with an evil entity involved with the story whatsoever.
Well over a hundred years later, scientists and social media moms still don't know how the golden child's 'influence' spread itself over the world. The most he surmounted to was a dead end gas station in Nepal, where the most interesting thing there was a Yeti that constantly stole petrol when he wasn't looking. Don't even ask how he got a working credit card for the self serve stations. He must've had an intelligence Quirk or something, because why would a yeti know what a gas station is?
Anyway, where was I?
"Alright! It's time to play Heroes vs. Deku!"
"Kacchan, it's supposed to be Heroes vs. Villa— AAAGH! MY FEELINGS!"
Oh right.
As an infamous man once said:
"Not all men are created equal."
He said it, but I've lived it. So I can only assume the jerk only said that to appeal to the lower class people in America for his stupid presidential campaign. Either that or the quote was stolen from a Cambodian dictator. Depending the era, it could be the same thing.
So, you're probably wondering what I'm babbling on about. If not, then you've got no sense of wonder and I feel sorry for you. And that's coming from someone who's got no superpower in a world of superpowers. Apparently the world evolved to the point where the normal people are the ones with the weird, wacky abilities and the abnormal ones are the ones that have nothing of the sort.
Can someone explain to me how I'm the odd one out when some old guy with star-shaped growths on the side of his head is considered normal!
Ugh… Sorry, I'm just bitter from this morning. Some jerk decided to rob a bank, in the morning of all times. He had a 'gigantification' Quirk that made him grow… well, gigantic. He got punted into the railways I take every morning by a new Hero with a similar, yet better Quirk. I don't remember her name but since she softcore flashed everyone within viewing distance, I can only assume it was Mount-Me Lady or something like that.
Kamui Woods had it, you attention whore! I'm late for my classes because of your shit! Those perverts with their cameras didn't help my situation either.
Well, at least my day can't get any worst, right?
Checks end of the chapter.
Fuck my life.
Totally-Not-Alderaan-From-Star-Wars Middle School
"Okay, roll call, students! Kid with rock hair!"
"Present!"
"Kid with long fingers!"
"Here, sensei!"
"Bakugo!"
"Fuck off, old fart!"
"Subhuman!"
"Ugh… It's Midoriya, sir."
"Not with your disability."
Izuku simply let off a groan as he dropped his head into his desk in disappointment. Another year, another teacher calling him less than human. At this point in his life, anything more would just be wishful thinking. He was pretty much numb to this sort of treatment after having to deal with it for almost a decade, so why should he expect better?
"And since the rest of the seats aren't empty and there's no one barging in to the classroom with a piece of toast in their mouth saying, '遅刻,遅刻,遅刻!', I'm going to say everyone's here."
'Japanese characters invading an English-written work aside, how the hell did he assume everyone belonged here?' Izuku thought. 'I'm pretty sure one of them is just hiding from the cops by blending in with middle school students.'
He eyed a paranoid fellow with a raccoon's head constantly looking outside of the classroom like a protagonist in an anime or manga. Despite the trash panda having a leg up, that position could literally belong to anyone in the room.
Except him. Izuku's not even close to qualified for the position.
"Now before I begin passing these papers out," the teacher started. "…does anyone actually want to be anything other than a Hero?"
He received many hollers and cheers as a response, all the while showing off their Quirks.
From the front of the class, a student said, "I actually want to be a doctor."
All attention was immediately on the poor sap that opened their big mouth. Feeling the glares from all sides, the student tried to take the heat off him by saying, "I mean I can't really use my Quirk for Hero stuff, so I decided I'm going to help people from the hospital. It is how I'm going to make a difference in this world of ou—"
The student was promptly thrown out the window and into a koi pond just outside of the classroom.
"Alright, that's one bad nut of the bunch so far. Anyone else want to say anything?"
A short pause engulfed the classroom as things somewhat calmed down.
"Yeah, I'm applying to U.A.!"
The class now focused on the smug looking blond, legs on his desk like a delinquent and head thrown back in an uncomfortably relaxed position.
"All of these extras may as well be applying for unemployment, because I'm gonna take their fucking jobs!"
And like that the entire class started pestering him in annoyance; mostly because they know Katsuki can kick all their asses… at once, if they so much as take one step in his direction. So they settled on name calling… which was still pretty ballsy.
"Okay, Bakugo," started the teacher as he rubbed his temples. "First off, there's no such thing as unemployment in Japan. That's only an American thing. It's one of the reasons why there are no famous Youtubers here in Japan."
"Big fucking woop, teach."
"Second off, you're not the only one going to U.A. The subhuman over there is also applying, for some ungodly reason."
A large slam was heard from the back, almost as loud as the window that was just smashed when the raccoon character saw the police just outside the classroom. The slamming sound was followed by a huge groan in disappointment.
"Ugh crap…" muttered Izuku. "I knew I filled out the wrong bubble. Stupid career test."
"Oi, shitbag," Katsuki growled in pure, unadulterated hatred. The greenette moved his head to see the angry Pomeranian slowly approaching his seat. "You think you can show me up like this?"
"No."
"You think your Quirkless ass is better than me?"
"Not even close."
"Well, guess what, you piece of shit…!"
"You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?"
"You will never amount to anything more than a tiny fucking pebble on my path to greatness! So you better stay where you belong or I'm gonna have to show you your place!"
"Oh no… Not my place… Not the cold depths of my poor mental state… Nooooooooooooo…"
"Are you mocking me?"
"Oh, now your deaf-as-fuck ears start working?"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"Nevermind. They stopped again."
Just as Katsuki was about to commit homicide, the teacher called them back to the seats in preparation for that day's lesson.
Later
'Another day, another reason to contemplate setting the school on fire,' Izuku thought as he quietly packed his things into his backpack. As he reached for his notebook, it was quickly snatched away by a smug looking blond with an evil glint in his eye. 'Oh, I am too done with today to deal with this shit right now.'
"Alright, Deku," Katsuki started his usual asshole shtick. "Here's the thing… Only one of us is going to apply to U.A. and since I'm the only one that actually has a chance of getting in, why don't you and your Quirkless ass fuck off and die in a hole somewhere. Do everyone a fa—"
Before Katsuki can finish his daily routine of verbally putting down Izuku, the greenette full on punched the blond in the kiwis. In a rare act of showmanship, he actually did the splits to get his arm within proper striking position. Katsuki let off a squeal in pain as he fell over holding the only means of populating his doomed lineage.
"Have a good day, Bakugo," Izuku started as he headed towards the door. "And tell your mom I missed her at our last book club meeting."
"Fuck… you… Deku…"
Talking was surprisingly hard when your boys feel like they have been branded… with Deku's fist.
"Next week we're discussing the first few chapters of 'Erased'. Think you can pass on the message?"
"Go fuck yourself! Agh… shit…"
"I won't and I'll just let her know on my way home then. I got her number afterall."
Izuku left without another word as Katsuki shouted off a long string of profanities from his still downed position.
Elsewhere
As a merry band of photographers were seeking out the new Pro Heroine to take more ass-shots, a sleezy looking guy was stepping out of a convenience store with a thick stack of cash.
"What a wonderful day in Not-Mustafaar-From-Star-Wars," he said as he took a large whiff of the money. "The paparazzi are hunting down new Hero eye candy, people aren't giving me as big of a stink eye as usual, and the best part: no Heroes are around to witness my obvious convenience store robbery! Now if only I had a woman to love and hold on to."
"DID SOMEONE SAY 'HERO'?"
"Oh shit! Not you!"
Later
"Yes, the first two chapters of 'Erased'," Izuku said over his phone. "Shirakumo said the book or the graphic novel, either or. Yes, I asked your son to give you the message and he told me to go fuck myself." He held the phone away from his ear as the yelling became too loud for him to handle. After it calmed down a bit, he put the phone back against his ear. "Okay, I'll talk to you later. I'm about to go into a tunnel. Okay… *sigh* Yes, love you too."
After hanging up the phone, the greenette couldn't help but facepalm at the embarrassing goodbye.
'That woman has a one night stand with mom and all of a sudden she thinks she's mommy number two. What kind of shit is that?'
So lost in his thoughts, Izuku failed to notice the grate he stepped over begin to spew disgusting goop. It wasn't until the metal disk exploded upward that he took notice.
"Crap!" shouted the slime in despair. "I gotta hide before that damn Hero catches me! You!"
"Me?" Izuku asked in sarcasm. He was so done with today. He didn't need to be caught up in a fiasco.
"Help me find a place to hide! I'm running from a Hero!"
"Gee, why don't you try hiding inside me? That's the last place the Hero will find you."
The slime person stared at him for a moment before saying, "Oh, you know my shtick already? Okay, cool."
"Wait, wha—"
Gallons upon gallons of slime began pouring into his mouth and nose, making it impossible to breath.
"You know, I usually just force myself into other people's bodies to escape Heroes. But then one of my victims lived and tried to sue my ass for forced entry. I mean I went nowhere near her lady bits. It was all oral! Now if I want to enter someone's body, I have to ask permission first! Can you believe that shit?! Anyway thanks for being a good sport, kid. You really saved my—"
Then, just as Izuku was about to experience the sweet release of death, the grate from earlier exploded upward, revealing a blond, muscular Adonis.
"Never fear, child!" he said in a majestic voice. "For I am here!"
The slime bastard barely let out a word before the Hero smashed him against the wall… with his fist… and exploded him into a puddle… in a violent, non-sexual way.
"Now that the day is saved, I must be off!" And like that the Hero picked up the remnants of the villain in some empty two liter bottles and hopped into the heavens to fight more crime!
Meanwhile, Izuku was hacking up slime and bits of his lungs onto the cement. And boy was he pissed.
"THANKS FOR CHECKING IF I'M OKAY, ASSHOLE!" he shouted to the sky before vomiting more slime.
Meanwhile
"Stupid Deku…" Katsuki hissed under his breath. "Fucking punching me in the balls and running away like a coward."
"Hey, didn't he say something about your mom, too?" asked Fingers… nicknamed by Katsuki.
"Yeah, and you took it lying down, Bakugo!" spoke another croonie… literally just there. Katsuki doesn't even know why he's here!
"How about I blow up your fucking balls? See how long your pale ass cries?"
"Woah! Take it easy, man! We're just messing with you!"
"I'm not. Take your ball crushing like a man, Bakugo."
Unbeknownst to them, Katsuki crushed open a soda bottle with his stomp. One that held a struggling slime bastard that was thought to be in a Hero's possession.
Later
"Ugh… what kind of idiot kicks out someone for bad breath?" Izuku cursed under his breath. "I was looking for mouthwash to fix that fucking problem, and this idiot kicks me out because of it?! Target number 2. The convenience store close to this burning street…"
Sure enough, down the street was a commotion… with a familiar glob of sentient slime at the center of it.
"Him again? I thought that one Hero took care of him… wait, who was that guy again?"
"Somebody help me!"
The shout was originating in the villain's direction and upon closer inspection, there was a blond head sticking out from the slime bastard's body.
One of the Heroes on the scene deduced it was a hostage situation instead of a villain rampaging.
Upon much closer inspection, however, they should have noticed the slime was the one calling for help. He picked the wrong person to accidentally try to insert himself into and now he was doing everything he could to avoid getting blown up by the clearly pissed off Katsuki…
Oh shit, Katsuki is in the middle of it...
…
Well, it could be the last time he would see him again, so may as well make it memorable.
Running out, without question, towards the disaster zone, Izuku hoped he was able to get there before the blond died from insertion… of slime.
"Hey slime guy!" called out the greennette.
"You again, kid?" the slime bastard asked. "Look, I'm kinda busy at the moment. I'll come inside you in a moment."
"Can I just say one thing to my acquaintance here before you kill him?"
"What the fu—" Katsuki's mouth got filled with slime before he could say anything. Despite the situation, he still had lungs full of air. Only the slime remained him his mouth and he couldn't shout his head off because he might accidentally swallow it… which isn't good, because sewage is nasty as fuck.
"Oh, you know him? Alright, but make it quick! Those Heroes think I got a hostage and I want to keep it that way for as long as I can."
"Okay, Bakugo…" Izuku said in the most serious voice he could muster. He only had a few seconds before he passed out from lack of oxygen so he had to make it hit quick and hard… (Ȍ ͜ʖȌ)
"Your mom banged my mom, so now I call her Mommy. In short: Ur mom gay."
Just as Izuku finished that quip, the Hero from earlier came in and saved the day by punching the shit out the slime villain. He punched him so hard that the sky cried rain… of pain because he PUNCHED THE FUCKING SKY!
Later
"And that was the news for the day," spoke the news anchor with a single ram's horn sticking out of the left part of his head. "Now back to your regularly scheduled propaganda media."
*Soviet National Anthem plays*
"I swear, Izuku," Inko said to her son. "One of these days, you're going to give your mother a heart attack."
"You or Mitsuki?" Izuku bluntly asked, getting a glare in response from the snark.
The mother rubbed her temple as she said, "I swear that woman is so overbearing sometimes."
"She still wants me to call her 'mom'."
"She still wants me to call her 'babe'."
"She tried to get Bakugo to send me lunch. He blew it up the moment he got it and she beat his ass red."
"She sent me a marriage certificate for our 'one month anniversary'. I used it to beat a salesman's ass red."
"What the fuck?"
"What the fuck, indeed, Izuku."
Just as Inko was about to start the dishes, there was a heavy knock on the door. Just as Izuku was about to open it, it exploded in a hail of splinters, sending the green boy to the other side of the room covered in wood.
"I AM HERE!" announced the blond hero as he entered the room… like a normal person. Pointing at the boy covered in splinters he continued, "YOU, YOUNG MAN!"
"Aren't you the asshole that left me to choke on slime earlier?!" Izuku yelled through wide, angry eyes.
"Irrelevant, young man! I've come to take you under my wing and groom you to be the next Number One Hero!"
"Fuck no!"
An eerie silent took hold in the apartment as the hero remained dumb founded for a few seconds before laughing up a storm.
"How humorous, young man! But seriously, though. I've seen your heroic spirit when you ran to save your friend…!"
"Not my friend."
"I saw the fearless look in your eye when you first encountered the slime villain…!"
"That was me being done with life."
"And I know the makings of a good son when I see one!"
"That is the closest you're going to get to anything factual."
"Therefore, I shall make you mine!"
For the first time in a long time, Izuku was scared of the implications of what the hero said.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Hero," Inko cut in. "But Izuku already belongs to me and I'm not willing to let anyone else have him. He's not up for adoption either."
"Then a compromise! We shall raise him together, as our son!"
The wooden chips around Izuku instantly fell off, leaving bloody holes where the wood pierced his skin. A crack of thunder made itself known… most probably due to the same hero punching the sky earlier and causing a rainstorm when it was clear, sunny skies not an hour ago. A glass cup flew out of Inko's hand and into the hero's chest… which exploded into a million pieces without doing any damage.
"Um…" Inko started, inching her way into her bedroom. "I'm married… to a very nice woman and… I'm certain she doesn't want another man in her life… excuse me!"
Izuku could only stare in wide eyed hope at what his mother was trying to do. But it was worthless.
"So?" the hero asked. "What do you say, my boy? Want to be my successor, my son, and the best Hero in the world?"
"Fuck no!"
"Oh, in your rebellious stage, huh? Well, I'll teach you to talk back to your old man, my boy!"
"MOM, HELP! THIS ASSHOLE IS TRYING TO MAKE ME A HERO!"
"HOLD ON A BIT LONGER, IZUKU!" she said from her bedroom. "I'M TRYING TO FIND THE MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE!"
"Now, my boy!" said the hero. "I, All Might, have a dream…"
"MOM, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG!? HE'S BEGINNING HIS DREAM SPEECH!"
"IT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE, IZUKU! JUST HANG ON!"
"A dream to have my very own son… And groom him to be better than me in every way."
"MOM, I'M THROWING MYSELF OUT THEWINDOW TO BUY TIME!"
"I'LL MEET YOU AT THE HOSPITAL WHEN I FIND IT, IZUKU!"
"And now, I, All Might, shall finally conclude my search for the perfect son and successor with you, young… I'm sorry. What was your name, young man?"
What the blond hero was left with was an open window, some random woman screaming bloody murder from outside the window, and the mother of the missing boy dropping some bandages and rubbing alcohol out of said window.
"Hm… must have been so excited that he threw himself out the window… What courageous young man. He will make a fine successor."
AN: What the fuck did I just write? 'A crackfic?' asks the reader. You would be right, good sir/ma'am. This is something that was made from the demented inner workings of my mind. When I'm not struggling to write my OC fic, my Momo-centric AU fic, or some other third thing, this is what I'm doing. So… Izuku's an asshole who's done with life. All Might is… yeah. Everyone else is… yeah… this is going to be weird. Expect everyone to behave in a way unlike the canon material. Or don't… I'm literally doing this off the top of my head. My chaotic, demon filled head… Every time a Doom Guy Glory Kills a Baron of Hell, I get an idea for this steaming pile of madness. Okay, that's enough… Enjoy the killing off of millions of your brain cells and stay safe out there!
-OmegaBox