Addison is no stranger to death. Everyday, mothers and children die on her table. Everyday, a family breaks down in front of her as they accept the news of their loved one's demise. Everyday, she walks past surgeons with distant looks in their eyes, and she knows; that look has graced her face frequently as well.
In her mind, Derek is still playing God in OR 3 of Seattle Grace, or Grey Sloan, now that they've changed it. Derek is still strutting in the hallways of the hospital, his charm radiating off him. And if Addison really pushed it, she could still imagine his arrogant and stubborn self bantering with a fellow Attending about a case that is definitely ot his.
There are days when it hits her hard—his birthday and their supposed anniversary. On those days, Addison would curl up on her bed, temporarily distancing herself from Jake and Henry, in an attempt to grieve her ex-husband and best friend. For some deranged reason, grief does not arrive. In her head, he's still well and alive; he's just too busy to reach out.
When she started operating with Meredith, she half-expected to see Derek up in the gallery, beaming as he watched the two people who loved him the most work together. Of course, when she looked up, only a group of curious residents were present.
Grief, comes in the most unexpected places, it seems. It comes in ripples and recedes, only for a bigger wave to engulf you. The realization that he was not there arrived when she scrubbed out and there was no Derek to congratulate her on the successful surgery. No Derek to give her juju. No Derek to tell her he's proud of her and how far she has come.
Addison is no stranger to death, but grief is something she is not well-acquainted with. He should have been there. At the very least, his presence should at least have been there. It felt like the world is not doing Derek justice by not having any remembrance that he walked Seattle in Grey Sloan. She even had the watch he gave her on their anniversary to feel him, but he'a not here. He isn't there, and grief finally racked her body; years after shying away from her.
Addison is no stranger to death, but for the first time, she grieved for Derek.