The one where Harry and Draco have a nice, friendly chat.

Canonically Harry does really dumb shit in a bathroom.

What if he just was caustic. And a Lyer. (sic)

Harry Potter threw open the door to the second floor girls bathroom. Draco Malfoy stood leaning against one of the sinks looking dishevelled his head turned "Potter" he spat.

"Malfoy" said Harry. "I know you're up to something."

"What I am doing is none of your business, Potter!" said Draco Malfoy.

Harry stepped in and close the door behind him, the floor was wet again. "Can you just stop" said Harry "just stop with the abuse and the hexes and the throwing shit in the cauldrons just stop."

"I don't care about any that crap" snapped Malfoy.

"Malfoy why don't you just go and I don't know, disgusting as the idea is going snog Pansy or something. She's looking really put out at the moment." said Harry.

"I have no time for bloody Parkinson" said Draco "after all she's only after me for my money."

"Well conveniently," said Harry "you got shiploads of money and a rotten personality, so she's the perfect girl for you."

"Some of us have things we have to do" said Malfoy bitterly.

"Yeah so old snake face's got you doing something" said Harry "just don't, you don't have to."

"He said do" said Malfoy harshly "or he'll hurt my family."

"Your family?" asked Harry "your father who funds the whole fucking thing" said Harry "you need to talk to your father about this. Everyone needs something, and the only reason Voldemort's keeping your father around is he needs the money and some way to hide, while someone pays off minister Fudge all the time."

Draco Malfoy smiled slightly "you noticed."

"It's hard not to Malfoy, you lot aren't exactly subtle,If you don't like don't like Pansy there must be some other girl" said Harry

"There's more to life than girls" said Draco.

"Said like someone not snogging a girlfriend" said Harry "There's got to be some other girl, some rich Slytherin bitch that likes you."

"Hardly" said Draco Malfoy "bloody Greengrass would rather eat slugs that kiss me" he paused "and that's pretty humiliating."

"You cast a slug-vomiting curse on her?" said Harry "that's not really a pick-up line I think" he finished.

"No, you idiot" snapped Draco "she cast a slug vomiting hex on herself rather than kiss me" he paused "at a party."

Harry snickered "well she really doesn't like you, so she's known you her whole life then?" he asked

"Fuck you Potter" said Draco. Harry took that as a yes.

"You need to give the dark magic a miss, you have to remember, everything has its price, and you don't have too many marbles to lose" said Harry.

"What you mean Potter, like you're an expert on dark magic" said Draco Malfoy angrily.

"You need to read the textbook, the divination textbook" said Harry.

"I don't do divination" said Draco Malfoy "that's witches magic."

"You mother's a witch, your grandmother was, your great-grandmother was and so on back so proud of being a pure blood, all witches" said Harry "in the appendix of the divination book it lists the safety hazards of each form of divination, which is dark magic if you didn't know because it extracts a cost, being a seer makes you blind, just look at Trelawney, she can barely see now" said Harry

"Trelawney, an old fraud" said Draco.

"She's not a fraud" said Harry "unfortunately she's actually quite a good seer, sometimes. But used up almost all her eyesight, so she can hardly do it any more, that's how it works. Scrying gives you brain embolisms, farseeing drives you insane. Like most dark magic does too, eats away at your mind. So give them up Malfoy, before you end up stupider than Crabbe" said Harry.

"The dark Lord – " started Draco.

"It's barely playing exploding snap with two cards" said Harry "some of his plans since I have got to Hogwarts, have been so contrived, so stupid he's nearly lost all his marbles. Consider your aunt, the insane one she just loves dark magic and really, if you have met her, you know she's almost completely insane."

"I admit, that my aunt, isn't very sane" said Draco "but that was Azkaban."

"I met Sirius Black" said Harry "he'd been just as long there before he died. He wasn't that crazy. Everyone goes on about the Black family having hereditary insanity but Sirius wasn't very mad, his mother – who I have only met the painting of, she's frothing. Totally cracked. I think the Blacks just do too much dark magic. Just stop."

"What a wise view, Mr precious boy who lived" said Draco sarcastically.

"My parents are dead, I live with muggle relatives who hate me" said Harry "I have to do my homework on the train on the way back to school because they lock up all my stuff. Then I get here and I get bullied by the likes of you and then dear of old Voldemort."

"Don't say his name" hissed Draco clutching his arm.

"He marked you, Did he," asked Harry, "lucky you."

"It's not that simple, I have to do it" said Draco.

"You don't" said Harry "tell Snape, tell your mother, tell your father, hell, tell Dumbledore turn snake face in. The Malfoy's don't have to be the pet dogs of bloody Voldemort."

"He's more powerful than you can imagine" said Draco, wincing.

"Everyone eats, everyone goes to sleep sometime" said Harry "draught of living death, I'm just saying, think about it Draco."

Draco stared into the mirror.

"You're not a killer Draco" said Harry "you're just a victim. I should know."

"What am I supposed to do" to Draco "now."

"Go and make up with Pansy" said Harry.

"We've got nothing in common" said Draco.

"She fancies you, thinks you're a great seeker, likes quidditch. And likes clothes" said Harry. "You like clothes."

"What me?" asked Draco.

"Draco, take a look at yourself" said Harry "you're wearing a silk shirt, moleskin trousers and Dragon hide boots. You like clothes."

Draco looked thoughtful "besides I like this other girl, and she doesn't like me" said Draco

"If you say Hermione" said Harry "I'm going to be sick. You spend six years belittling her calling her names and bullying her. She hates you and everything you represent, you stand no chance with you over not in this universe. And she's muggle born, your mother would have a heart attack."

"Well I suppose you and Weasley are already shagging her" said Draco.

"That's disgusting" said Harry "she's like a sister I never had. She and Ron might have something one day, but that's pretty disgusting as well."

"And you're just going to take Weasel's sister" said Draco "she's a bit young at fourteen but I suppose she'd be pretty keen to spread her legs for you."

"The – " said Harry "Ginny? She's always had a crush on me but it's kinda creepy actually, kind of a stalker little sister thing going on there."

"She's a pure blood" to Draco "terribly poor though."

"Well yeah I mean I always look at the size of a girl's bank balance first" said Harry "pretty girls first."

"Who?" said Draco.

"Cho Chang" said Harry biting his lip. "But she was still upset about Cedric, so that was a horrible mess"

Draco Malfoy laughed "you're such a loser, Potter."

"Look Malfoy, I've got an immortal dark lord to kill, can you just get out of my way" said Harry.

"Are you taking that bullshit in the Prophet seriously?" asked Malfoy, shaking his head "gone to your head, chosen one... woooo" he mocked.

"There is a prophecy and I'm it." said Harry bluntly. "And it doesn't mention annoying ferrets living, so keep out of my way. Oh, and I do hope daddy enjoys Azkaban."

"He'll be freed" said Draco.

Harry blinked, "that's the deal isn't it, oh you fucking idiot. He'll take all your money and you'll all die. The Blacks backed him in the last war, and they all died, except for Sirius who went to Azkaban. He doesn't fucking care about pure-blood families, he only cares about himself. He's a half-blood, anyway." said Harry.

Draco Malfoy blinked "The Blacks are all dead" he admitted.

Harry nodded "Fuck off, and if I hear any more trouble... you're an annoyance Malfoy. Don't be an irritant." he said grimly, and left the bathroom.

Draco Malfoy lifted his wand hand. It shook uncontrollably. "Fucking Potter" he mumbled.

Pansy Parkinson clung to Draco Malfoy in a quite revolting way at dinner.

By the way she held him, it looked like Draco's bad-boy image complete with evil tattoo was exactly what Pansy wanted in a boyfriend. Malfoy looked just looked flushed.

"Ferret-face has some colour back" said Ron idly, picking up a chicken leg and chewing it. "He's still going to be a rubbish seeker."

"He's not that bad" said Harry "Just doesn't train hard enough."

"Wood" said Ron.

"Such a bastard" agreed Harry.

"He was the making of you" said Ron.

"Lavender?" asked Harry "Why would a girl at a party be expected to kiss some boy she disliked?" Lavender would know.

Lavender rolled her eyes "Spin the bottle Potter. People with social lives go to parties and play games… including spin the bottle. The forfeit's usually a kiss."

Hermione snorted dismissively.

"Well, I heard" said Harry, revelling in some gossip… Malfoy had given this ammunition and there was no way he wasn't using it. "I heard" Harry continued "Malfoy and Greengrass had to kiss at a party, and Greengrass cast the slug vomiting hex… on herself in preference."

Ron nodded "There's no way I'd kiss Malfoy" said Ron. Harry winced. Ron's foot was once again lodged firmly in his mouth.

"Which Greengrass?" asked Hermione.

"Um… the one in our year, I think" said Harry. "Malfoy didn't clarify."

"Harry?" asked Hermione "Why did Malfoy share that with you?"

"I … had a chat with him" said Harry.

"Harry!" said Hermione loudly then whispered "You can't torture Malfoy."

"Oh. Someone else does that" said Harry dismissively.

All was well.

Well, apart from Tom Riddle wanting to kill Harry, anyway.