Feels Like Home
Chapter 5
.
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Fall, go on, and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear
Every worry, every tear
I'm right here, baby, fall
.
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As expected Donna refused dinner and has been asleep for most of the evening. Harvey is aware that sleeping so much during the day isn't normal but panic attacks can be exhausting and he supposes it's better than not sleeping which the internet tells him, often occurs after a traumatic event. Sleeping heals the brain apparently.
He himself falls asleep somewhere around midnight, reading All Blood Runs Red about the life of Eugene Bullard.
"Harvey, Harvey!" Her cries wake him. He feels disorientated and rubs his eyes when she repeats, "Harvey." The panic pitches her voice almost to a scream and he scrambles to get up, running to the bedroom.
Sitting up in bed, her arms hugging her pulled-up knees, Donna has tears racing down her cheeks. He rushes forward, wrapping his arms around her without hesitation. She collapses into him, clutching his shirt, huge body-shaking sobs racking her body, each coming in a wave. And with every sob, she lets out a low whimper. He curves his body around hers, pulling her as close as possible, doing the only thing he can do as her world comes crashing down.
He's not sure why now exactly but he's not surprised she is falling to pieces. If anything it is probably better to let it all out than bottling up your emotions. Something he is no stranger to, and it brought him absolutely nowhere.
He's been expecting this the minute he brought her here, yet he is still not prepared for the way it cracks his heart. Seeing her in so much pain slices right through him.
He holds her tight, softly cradling her head with one hand, letting his other run circles on her back. His voice is laden with emotion when he starts whispering in her ear. "It's okay to cry. You've been through so much. But you are safe. I'm here for you. I'm always going to be here for you." He softly rocks them in a soothing motion.
The uncontrollable sobs slow down a bit and she touches the damp patch on his shirt. "Don't worry about it," he mumbles and softly presses her head back into his chest. She hiccups, she gulps for breaths of air, she splutters, she weeps while he runs his fingers through her strands of hair, tells her he'll always take care of her and he waits.
Her breathing is ragged but slow. A few tears roll down until she eventually stops crying. Her face is still wet and she takes in a sharp breath every now and then.
That is when he asks her. "Nightmare?" He feels her head bobbing up and down and that is all he needs.
Keeping a hold of her as he moves to reposition on the bed, he slides his way down until he is leaning against the headboard. He props up the pillow a bit and uses the arm still around her waist to pull her in.
She lets him shift her around and lays down alongside him, her head on his chest. The heaviness of her emotional outburst weighs upon her, leaving her drained. Listening to the secure sound of Harvey's heart thudding in his chest, her eyelids grow heavy and she slips away in a dreamless sleep.
Harvey absentmindedly runs his fingers along her ginger hair. It is soft and it slips through his fingers like silk. He runs them from the top and slides down to the ends. He strokes it lovingly, over and over again. When he realizes she's asleep he doesn't stop but closes his own eyes until he dozes off too.
…
Harvey rolls his head, rotating his shoulders slowly. He fell asleep in a half-sitting position and that is how he finds himself waking up now. He draws a small sigh. Anything for her, but his body is protesting after several nights on the couch and now this. He's thinking about a steaming hot shower to tend to his sore muscles when Donna walks in.
He heard her rummaging in the kitchen, obviously making coffee as she is now carrying a steaming cup. She is wearing her just acquired silk ice blue robe and he thinks she looks stunning. In the middle of the night when she was inconsolable, he hadn't paid attention to her attire but now that her pain isn't in the forefront of his mind anymore, it is all he can focus on.
He quickly stops his movements, not wanting to clue her in on the toll their nightly arrangement is taking on his physique.
She hands him the cup. "I thought you could probably use this."
The smell of a strong espresso fills his nostrils. "Thank you," he says with a smile on his lips as she climbs into bed all the way on the other side. She couldn't be closer to the edge if she tried.
He raises one eyebrow but says nothing, taking a sip instead.
She scratches along the edge of her cast at a non-existing itch. Just when she plucks up the courage to open her mouth, Harvey speaks.
"Donna, I think we need to consider finding you some help."
"You mean I need to consider?"
He looks at her over the rim of his cup. His eyes soft, conveying a, 'please'.
She inhales deeply, then nods.
His eyes light up in surprise. "Good," he says in a low voice. "Okay, yeah." He sits up a little straighter. "It doesn't have to be a therapist per se. There are other options like support groups. Those pamphlets from the hospital cover a wide array of options."
She nods again. Staring at her hands she quietly offers a counter bid though. "I will look into that if you do something for me."
He chuckles. "You do know I'm the best closer in the city, right? I will have my way in this deal."
She doesn't smile but bites her lip instead. "I know your back is killing you from that horrible couch."
She doesn't dare meet his eyes, openly knocking his furniture taste but he runs the tip of his tongue over his lips in amusement.
"You are going to spend the night in your own bed again." She is adamant. "With me also in it," she adds, mumbling.
A smirk on his face, he says, "I'm sorry what was that last thing you mumbled?"
"I will ram my cast into your hurting shoulder Specter," she threatens.
He lets out a spontaneous laugh before turning serious. "Okay, I will see your offer but raise you a longer stay and me working from home the coming week."
She gives him a bitter smile. He wrapped it up nicely but he's telling her she is not okay. And she knows she isn't but it is still difficult to take. Even so, with a small tremor of her chin, she matches his words. "Fine, I call your raise and place the final bet."
"That is not how it works in betting rounds you know," he teases her.
"I survived a shooting, had two panic attacks, a meltdown after a nightmare about the first event, all in the span of four days. I say that earns me the right to call the shots." She looks him straight in the eyes with her response. She has to swallow a lump afterward but managing to say this about herself is a huge victory. Although it does sort of feel she is talking about someone else. "Or again, I could swing my cast and I don't know, hit your head?"
Harvey is proud of her vocalizing a summary of the past days but he chooses to keep it light. "Give the woman a cast and such a violent streak comes out," he tuts.
Deliberately shifting his eyes from her cast to her face and back to her cast, he pretends to ponder. "What to do? What to do? Do I fold or—?"
"I haven't even told you my final bet, you idiot," she can't help but laugh.
"I was about to call it already. Missed yourself a fine opportunity to have your wicked way with me. Anything goes." He wiggles his eyebrows at her and it entices another smile to form on her lips. It warms his heart more than he wants to admit.
Donna fiddles with the strap of her sling. "Whatever form of help I choose, you come with me."
"And Miss Paulsen holds the winning hand, Mr. Specter loses," Harvey pronounces in a booming voice. "Write down the date of this once-in-a-lifetime occurrence." His voice goes back to normal when he adds, "I will do whatever you need me to. Always."
…
That night Donna learns Harvey hates losing at every game after she beats him at backgammon twice. He is still moping around about it when Donna decides to go to bed. Not wanting to wake her later, Harvey decides to go as well. But he does place his current book on the nightstand.
Donna tended to sprawl out across the bed the previous days but they settled on a side for each of them this morning.
Harvey is cleaning up, putting away their used mugs when Donna uses the bathroom, slips into her silk PJ and hops into the bed, quickly pulling the duvet up to her nose.
Harvey takes a shirt and PJ bottoms from his drawer and goes into the bathroom to do his nightly routine. He emerges in his night outfit a little later. He throws his socks in the hamper, goes to his closet to hang his pants and fold his sweater, and closes the sliding doors to the living room. As he walks back and forth in the room, Donna's eyes follow him everywhere. When he eventually hops into bed, she stares straight ahead.
"Do you mind if I read a few pages?" he asks and she squeaks, "No," in reply.
He hoists up his pillow a bit while she turns off the light on her side of the bed.
She lies down with her back to him and scoots as far away as possible. He watches her from the corner of his eye and he's surprised she hasn't rolled out yet.
"Do I smell?" he asks her in his most serious tone, keeping his head down, staring at the letters in his book.
She frowns, throwing him a confused look over her shoulder. "No…?"
"Then why are you risking your other arm ending up in a cast as well? Because you are definitely toppling out if you move another ⅛ of an inch."
Her head swivels around abruptly and she can see the unmistakable smirk on his face even though he pretends to read.
With an exaggerated sigh, she falls down on her back, pulling at the duvet, patting it down at her sides, forming a cocoon around her.
He raises one eyebrow and says mockingly, "You forgot to build a pillow wall between us."
"Ha fucking ha," she huffs. "You don't find this weird at all?" She glares at him.
He puts his book away and shrugs a bit. "Maybe a little." He turns off the light, sliding down in his spot. "But it's only as awkward as you let it be."
"Jeez, thanks for the advice, Confucius. Where did you get that, a fortune cookie?" She rolls away from him, taking a big chunk of the duvet with her.
Harvey softly pulls it back a bit so there is no gap at his side. Her tug back on the duvet is so hard it leaves him half uncovered. "Donna," he says sharply, aggravation growing. He rolls to his side pulling the duvet along with him. She immediately yanks at the duvet again, leaving it stretched so tight an icy gap forms between their backs. "Donna," he growls once more with gritted teeth. Another sharp pull gives him enough leverage to smooth down the duvet between them and they leave it at that, back to back, both stewing in their mutual frustration with each other.
It isn't long before Harvey's breath evens out and Donna realizes he's asleep. It marks the start of her finding a comfortable position. She turns and rolls, huff and puffs, from back to tummy to her side – nearly hitting Harvey when swinging her cast to tug her hand under her pillow – grunting and heaving a lot of sighs.
She feels flushed and pushes away the hard-won duvet. She sneaks a glance at Harvey, not in the mood for another quip and his smug face but he seems to be comatose.
She tiptoes to the living room, heating some milk in the microwave, making sure to pull it out before the device can make the shrill ping. She grabs the blanket Harvey had managed to find in his closet when he noticed she was cold tonight and settles down in the lounge chair near the window.
Sipping the hot milk, Manhattan lays in a mix of dark buildings and twinkling lights scattered across the skyline before her. Harvey had asked her today if she wanted to go outside but she didn't want to step into the hustle and bustle of the city. Which isn't like her. She thrives on the whirlwind that is NYC– all signs she is not okay, not herself.
And she hates it. She doesn't feel hungry, the pit in her stomach not easing up. Her emotions so close to the surface, tears threaten to spill all day long. Her body is bone ache tired but after last night she is scared to go to sleep.
The milk finished, it is still chilly despite the blanket and her feet are getting cold, so she quietly hops back into bed. She trashes around again when her left foot hits Harvey's leg. She freezes but he doesn't move and the heat radiating from his body feels so nice. Her own side of the bed is just as cold as her body parts. So she brings her feet in the vicinity of his legs and waits for his warmth to spread through her frame. It doesn't make her fall asleep but it is the most comfortable she's been in days and that is all she can ask for at the moment.