Feels Like Home
Chapter 6
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I can't unfeel your pain
I can't undo what's done
I can't send back the rain
But if I could I would
My love, my arms are open
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Donna wakes with a jolt. Daylight is peeking through the curtains and Harvey is gone. She checks her phone. Monday, 8:20 am. Sleep had found her eventually around 5 am, but three hours aren't enough to make her feel even remotely alive. She wants to sink back into her pillow when she sprints to the sliding doors instead. Pushing them open aggressively, Harvey gives her a bewildered look from his desk in the corner and she expels a shaky breath before retreating into the bedroom. She staggers back to the bed and drops down. Harvey runs after her, peeling her hands away from her face, squeezing them.
"What happened?" he softly inquires.
"I— I thought you left for work." She feels stupid admitting this. It doesn't justify her action.
Harvey rubs his thumbs over her knuckles. "I work from home this week. We discussed this yesterday, remember?" He looks at her expectantly but she gives him a blank stare. Only when he frowns in concern, she dips her head in agreement. "Yeah, yeah. I'm clearly not fully awake yet." Her hurried excuse doesn't entirely convince him but he lets it slip.
"How much did you sleep?"
"Not much."
He figured as much from the bags under her eyes, but he knows better than to voice that. "The blanket and empty mug were a clue." He shoots her an emphatic look. "Next time, wake me."
"And do what?" she questions him hostilely. "Stare at the ceiling with me?" He looks taken aback and she instantly feels guilty. "You need your sleep. Louis won't appreciate it if in addition to working at home you are tired as well and won't clock billable hours."
"Let me handle Louis." He tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. "Starting with the partner meeting at nine." He lets go of her hands, pushing himself off the bed. "Are you going back to bed or do you want to shower?"
"Do I need to decide now and are those my only options?" She pulls the duvet around her, suddenly aware she is dressed in just her short pajamas.
He picks up a few stray socks she tossed out of bed last night. "I've seen the agenda of the meeting. It'll take forever and you need help with that cast cover and maybe with some of your clothes too."
She understands it is either staying in bed all morning or spring into action right now. Neither are very appealing but she has spent a lot of time in bed the past week. "Fine, I'll go shower."
Grabbing her robe, she heads into the bathroom. She strips off her pajamas and puts on the robe. "I'm ready," she yells and Harvey enters.
He turns the shower on, placing a towel nearby and Donna sticks out her cast arm. He swiftly pulls the cover over it, making sure it is sealed off completely. "Enjoy." He sends her a warm smile before leaving the space.
She is grateful for the robe. Its bat sleeves are wide enough to get the covered cast through, meaning she doesn't need to strip naked in front of Harvey, which is a huge relief. It is the tiny bit of dignity that she desperately wants to keep because everything else in her life seems to be spinning out of control.
She is soaping her hair, which totally feels weird with one hand covered by a piece of plastic but it works, when a loud bang penetrates her engrossment in the activity at hand.
"Harvey," she yells as loud as her lungs allow her. Her breathing speeds up, the amount of oxygen she inhales slows down. The water pouring down and the closed door are not in her favor. Between the shallow breaths, she tries again. "Harvey!"
"I'm here, what's wrong?" The door is slightly ajar but he is looking at the floor because he doesn't want to invade her privacy any more than strictly necessary.
"The noise. I heard—" She doesn't finish her sentence but he hears the unsteadiness in her voice.
"Oh, I wanted to bring you a plate of breakfast but my phone rang so I placed it on the chest of drawers. Well at least I thought I did but it dropped to the ground. Serves me right for not paying enough attention, eh?" He tries to keep his tone light.
"A broken plate? That's it?"
"That's it," he assures her. "Well, and about a thousand pieces for me to clean up. I'm going to get a broom and vacuum so don't go out there barefoot yet, please."
"Okay," she concedes timidly.
...
Harvey quickly brings in a dustpan and dials Louis on speakerphone.
"Harvey, where are you?"
"Louis, I sent you a long email and text to make you aware of said email last night." Harvey is on his knees sweeping underneath the chest.
Louis' voice raises an octave. "Oh, but you see, last night I had my phone turned off because Sheila and I were celebrating Lupercalia. The ancient Roman festival of health and fertility."
"I thought you already conceived?" Harvey frowns, circling the room on his knees, looking for pieces of the broken plate.
"We have," Louis continues enthusiastically. "You see Lupercalia is about conceiving for the barren and a speedy healthy delivery for the pregnant. The naked men slap the women with goatskin and—"
"Louis, email," Harvey barks after he nearly hits his head on the valet stand when he shoots up too quickly at the mention of the words 'naked men'.
Louis grumbles, but after some rustling he seems to be reading the email.
"So basically what you're saying is Donna is in bad shape?"
Harvey hurries to mute the speakerphone. With the phone wedged between his ear and shoulder, he takes the dustpan to the kitchen.
"Yes. I need to be here Louis. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't vital for me to keep an eye on her."
"I get, I get it," Louis hums. "So you're sure you can work from home?"
"I'll inform my clients that meetings will be virtual, need to be rescheduled for a few weeks or they can meet with one of you in the office." Harvey empties the dustpan and stows it away.
"How long do you need this arrangement?"
Harvey sighs, leaning against the kitchen counter. "Honestly, I'm not sure. We're looking into help right now, she wants me to go with her. It'll be a few weeks at least."
"I'm okay with that," Louis lets him know.
"Really?" Harvey breaths with relief.
"Anything for Donna. I do need you to clock hours. You've got enough pain in the ass clients that only accept your help."
Harvey grins. "They like my roguish charm."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night. But honestly, we are swamped. We just haven't got enough manpower to pick up all your work for months. Unless we hire outside help."
Harvey smirks. "Didn't we just hire two new name partners?"
"They've got their own clients," Louis exclaims.
"I know, I know. I'll get it done Louis." Harvey promises him.
"Okay, then I'll ask Benjamin to help set up your virtual attendance to our partner meetings. Starting with the one in 20 minutes." Louis is about to end the call when he remembers. "Did you see the agenda yet, about—?"
Harvey nods even though Louis can't see him. "Yes and I agree, we need to hire an interim COO."
"You might want to use a headset with her in the vicinity," Louis advises him before ending the conversation.
Harvey puts away his phone, thinking that is actually a wise idea so he digs up his AirPods from a desk drawer before returning to the bedroom.
Donna is sitting at the foot of the bed, struggling with a pair of skinny jeans. She did manage the oversized off-the-shoulder sweater but the bulky cast doesn't give her a great grasp and the swelling hasn't fully disappeared yet so her wrist is now inflamed and throbbing.
"I didn't get around to the vacuuming yet. You shouldn't be walking around barefooted." Harvey watches her attempts with the jeans and kneels in front of her.
"Yeah, well if I would actually be able to put on a pair of socks. But apparently, I need to lose every ounce of independence," she sulks with her jeans halfway up her legs.
"Maybe something less tight will work better," he suggests helpfully.
"Jeez, Captain Obvious, if only you hadn't brought me five pairs of skinny jeans," she reprimands him.
He doesn't deserve the snappiness and she knows it. But he just turns around and rummages through the holdall. He holds up a pair of dark grey bootcut yoga pants.
"Hmm, those are definitely more stretchy and an elastic waistband. Gimme!" Donna reaches out her hand to him to take the pants.
He does as asked and kneels down again to quietly start pulling on the bottom of her skinny jeans. She tries to hold the yoga pants in front of her lower body, suddenly very aware she is sitting on the bed in just her panties, and he has a very good angle on them from his position at her feet. But Harvey's focus is solely on the jeans, respecting her privacy as much as he can.
"I'm sorry," she murmurs. "I didn't know these pants were also in there. That holdall is dark and with one hand, I made a right mess of the stacks you so neatly placed in there."
He has set her free from the skinny jeans and turns his back to her to neatly fold it and place it back in the holdall. She takes the opportunity to quickly pull on the yoga pants. Which, to her relief, she can manage on her own.
Harvey picks up the holdall, disappearing through the double doors. "Donna," he softly calls out. She tentatively enters the space that holds his suits, embroidered dress shirts, shoes, ties, everything she is used to only seeing at the office. It is all there, neatly arranged in the designated storage spaces. She's seen the room when he first bought the place but she hasn't been back since. The floating storage in dark wood fixed against the walls filled with his personal items feels intimate. She briefly wonders which girlfriends had the privilege to be in here, but it's a train of thought she doesn't have the energy to sustain and instead files it away again.
Harvey stows a stack of shirts on top of a bunch of sweaters, sweeps his widely spaced suit jackets to the side, and gathers some empty hangers. Underneath his cufflink tray is a set of drawers and he empties the top one, stuffing his boxers in a drawer below. "No more poking around in that holdall. You can give it a proper place here." He gestures to a hamper in the corner. "Regular items go in there. There's an in-house laundry service. Everything else goes to the dry cleaners. Which is arranged via the in-house service as well. There is an app to schedule pick-ups. I'll text you the login credentials."
Donna is a bit stunned at the domesticity of it all. But she isn't saying no to getting rid of that holdall as a closet. "My few items aren't enough to justify a laundry load but at the same time I only have a few items." She scrunches her nose. "I've been recycling my socks," she admits.
He delicately pushes her down on the small leather ottoman in the middle of the room. Opening a drawer on his left, he pulls out a pair of his socks, and kneeling down, he places a foot on his thigh. He pulls a sock on that foot and swiftly on the other foot as well. "Well, a bit too big, but it'll do for a day, right?" He looks at her expectantly and she nods.
"Right now, here's the app." He unlocks his phone, handing it over. "I'm going to quickly vacuum the floor. There must still be shards around from that plate. Stay here," he commands.
When he's done she hands him his phone back. "It's 8:59 am, you should go to your desk."
"Did you book a laundry appointment?"
"I did," she confirms. "10 am."
"Good. There is a bag next to the hamper. Could you stuff it in there so they can take it down?" he asks with a pleading look.
"Sure." She immediately gets to it but he sees her wince when trying to hold open the bag with her cast.
He looks around and spots the sling on the floor by the bed. He approaches her from behind, dangling the item in front of her. She tips her head backward and is met by his warm brown orbs. She dutifully complies, standing up, she lets him strap her arm in the sling. As he adjusts the strap at her left shoulder to elevate her arm as much as possible, his hushed tone tickles against her ear. "You need to share things with me so I can help you."
She turns around with a remorseful look. "I know, I'll try."
"I really have to attend this meeting but other than that, I can do stuff for you. Give that arm the rest it needs so the swelling can go down." His eyes bore into her and she dips her head in affirmation.
He quickly stuffs the laundry bag, drops it at his front door, and plops down in his desk chair, clicking 'accept' to the Teams meeting that is blinking brightly, eager for him to join it.
He is met by a view of the other name partners sitting around one half of the table. Louis growls, "You're late. Like always, even when your work is 10 feet away from your bed, you're late."
"I was helping Donna with her sling," he shoots back. It is the truth but he also knows it will shut Louis up. And indeed the scowl instantly evaporates.
"How is Donna?" Samantha chimes in. She gives Harvey a knowing look. He glances at Donna who just walked in and at the same time locates the AirPods he was supposed to use.
"She uhm, she—," he hesitates and glances at her again.
Donna hears his struggle and walks up behind him, into view. "She's glad not to see your faces this week. Oh, wait…" The joke and accompanying smile are supposed to make it less heavy but fail to do so.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't ready to acknowledge the situation and deal with the inevitable responses from everyone. I'm still not ready but as your COO I feel obliged to not keep you in the dark." She takes a deep breath. "I was witness to a shooting in my building. I am pretty shaken up from it. And that's it." She tilts her head and shrugs, feeling vulnerable.
Harvey hears it in her voice. Out of view, he slips his arm underneath the armrest, around the back to squeeze one of her legs. He's immensely proud she managed to tell them herself.
The name partners all express their compassion for her situation. But it is again Samantha that dares to ask. "How about your wrist sporting the hip color of the season?"
"I was more than just a witness to the scene. But I don't want to disclose details right now." She bites her lip, hard.
Samantha nods in understanding. "We'll let you heal, as long as you need, but please reach out if you want a friend. We're here." The others hum in agreement. "Or you know, if you're sick of that guy's face." Samantha gestures to Harvey. "We're better company."
"Alright, I think the agenda says 'associate issues', so let's move on to that," Harvey announces brightly. It earns him a roar from the speaker and Donna walks away chuckling.
As Louis takes control, launching into a monologue about the financials, Harvey mutes his mic and looks over to Donna. "In that bag," he points to the counter, "you'll find pains au chocolat. And in that cabinet," he points to the one closest to the fridge, "there is decaf coffee to make yourself a cup."
"Sant Ambroeus. They deliver?" Donna opens the bag. "Smells like France." She sniffs appreciatively and takes out a pain. Harvey smiles, happy to see her wanting food. He connects his AirPods to the laptop and goes back to watching Louis.
…
Harvey leans back in his chair. He can see Donna over the edge of his laptop and watching her leaves him perturbed.
She took three bites of the pain, drank half her coffee. The book she took from his shelf never made it past page one. She quickly leafed through the pamphlets he deliberately left on the table and tossed them aside. She's gotten up more times than he can count. She is constantly plucking at her bottom lip and she keeps juggling her left foot up and down. He had been a bit worried that hearing his half of the work conversation would suck her into it too but she doesn't seem to register his words at all. In retrospect, he'd rather she'd comment on work than this.
Looking at her walking around at his place, he supposes it is a bit boring but he doesn't feel like she'd do anything with a stack of magazines or whatever females do in their spare time.
She is now taking the New York Times from the counter and shoots a glance at him. He gives her the most encouraging smile he can muster before focusing on the meeting again.
The meeting is almost over when Donna appears in his peripheral vision again. He mutes and looks at her questioningly.
"Do you still have the papers of the past few days?"
He raises his eyebrows and points to a bottom cabinet near the fridge.
She finds them and brings a stack back with her to the dinner table. He can't see what she's doing from across the room but it is the most relaxed he's seen her in hours so he relaxes too and finds his focus for work.
It is 1:30 pm when he towers over her at the table, casting a shadow over the paper. "Lunch?" Harvey hands Donna a plate. She takes it and he sits down next to her. It surprises her a bit.
She tries to lift the edge of the crust. "What is it?"
"Spinach and tomato quesadilla with pesto." He takes a bite, the cheese strings. "And mozzarella and feta as you can see." He grins.
She pushes the quesadilla around her plate.
"Not hungry?"
"Not really no, sorry." She breaks off a tiny piece of the edge and nibbles it to not seem totally ungrateful for his efforts.
He scarfs his down and walks back to the kitchen. "Tea or hot chocolate?" he calls out.
"Tea, please."
He returns with a steaming mug and a bowl of peeled and sliced fruit.
She gives him a look.
"Can't let that huge basket from Louis go to waste, can we?"
She shrugs and returns to the paper. But she pops a slice of strawberry in her mouth and he sees it as a small victory.
"What are you doing?" He leans in to get a better look.
"Crossword puzzle."
"You're good at them," he observes, eyeing the scattered pages with finished puzzles.
She frequently clicks on the biro she is holding. "I used to do them with my dad on the weekends. We'd save them up the entire week." She counts the boxes for a word she came up with and her face lights up when it seems to fit.
"You know, you can go out and buy anything you need or like, right? Socks, magazines, books."
She looks like a deer caught in the headlights at his suggestion of going outside.
"Or order online of course," he swiftly adds. "I'm sure you remember my credit card details."
"Anything?"
"Anything," he confirms. "I'm counting on you making me regret that."
…
Harvey closes his laptop at 5 pm on the dot. Donna had spent most of the afternoon on more crosswords but about an hour ago she retreated to the bedroom.
He slips in quietly to take a look. She is sleeping, which doesn't surprise him but if he lets her sleep too long she'll be up again tonight. He sits down on the edge of the bed. He's really out of his depth here. He has no clue what the right thing to do is here but watching her today makes him nervous. She seems so far removed from her normal self.
He's staring into space, contemplating his thoughts when Donna starts fretting. He has never seen someone having a nightmare before but he thinks it probably looks like this. So he moves closer and starts rubbing her back. He doesn't want to scare her by rudely waking her, so he just continues to draw circles on her back. He just wants her to feel safe. "I'm here Donna, you don't have to be scared. I won't let anything happen to you," he mumbles.
Softly shaking her arm, she wakes up. Feeling groggy, she looks confused and sad. But staring into his eyes, it dawns on her she was only at the beginning of reliving the horrible scene and Harvey must have woken her up. "Thank you," she whispers, scooting just a tiny bit closer, craving comfort as her anxiety is raging.
He complies, tangling his fingers in her hair, caressing it gently. "I called Lipschitz. He gave me a list of female therapists that specialize in treating traumas."
She closes her eyes.
"Why don't we try that?" he suggests carefully. "I know it's barely been a week but Lipschitz says talking is the way to get through this." He knows he is treading on thin ice but he continues. "I see the anxiety building. I know from experience that it doesn't automatically go away, unfortunately."
Donna opens her eyes, looking at him but not saying anything. He pulls out his phone, showing her the email he got from Lipschitz.
"It is important you pick someone you feel comfortable with."
She reads the names and looks at him again.
"See anyone you'd like to call for an appointment?"
She gives a tiny shrug.
"Want to call together?" he offers and she nods vigorously, biting her lip at the same time. She moves to sit up next to him and it feels like another small victory to him that he can anticipate what she needs from him right now. He can't fight the demon inside her, but he can fight a lot of battles for her on the outside.
"Any preference?" he asks and she points to a name on the list.
He dials on speakerphone but it goes to voicemail. A very clipped, slightly stern voice cites the hours the practice is available. He looks at Donna and before he can ask if she wants to leave a message, she shakes her head. He agrees, it doesn't feel inviting.
Donna points to another name and he dials the number.
"Dr. Dagony-Clark, how may I help you?" a warm voice flows out of the speaker but Donna doesn't answer. So Harvey clears his throat and picks up the conversation for her.
"Uhm yes, hi, this is Harvey Specter. I'm here with my friend Donna Paulsen." He glances at Donna to see if this woman feels okay to her.
"Hello Harvey, hello Donna."
"Hi," Donna softly answers and Harvey sees that as her approval so he moves forward.
"Donna experienced a shooting in her building." He sees her wince and grabs her hand. "She would like your help in learning how to cope with that."
"I'm very sorry to hear that Donna. That is a very heavy experience and a lot to deal with on your own. Sounds like you've got a great friend in Harvey though. Support from people close to you is just as important as professional help."
Donna is biting her lip so hard she nearly draws blood but Harvey squeezes her hand and she squeezes right back, hard.
"I have an opening on Thursday, 11 am?" Dr. Dagony-Clark suggests.
Donna nods so Harvey speaks up. "That will work."
"Okay, I will send you a confirmation email with all my details."
"One more thing," Harvey says. "Donna is feeling very anxious at the moment. She asked me to join her at this meeting."
"The first one is an intake so that is fine. I'm aiming to gain your trust, Donna so that it would feel okay for you to have Harvey wait outside at future appointments."
"Okay," Donna croaks and with that, they say their goodbyes and end the call.
Donna shudders a shaky breath and Harvey pulls her against him, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm so proud of you," he whispers in her hair.