Feels Like Home
Chapter 8
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I can't uncry your tears
I can't rewind the time
I can't unsay what's said
In your crazy life, my love
My arms are open
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Friday
It had been another sleepless night for Donna and her mind is hard to distract and her body feels jittery. She is curled up on the couch reading Harvey's Miles Davis biography but she moves her legs every ten seconds and it isn't long before she resorts to crossword puzzles again. The only thing that seems to keep her mind slightly occupied to shut off, what Harvey now knows, are images of that night. He is getting exhausted just watching her restlessness from across the room so he books the entertainment room on the 10th floor via the building's service app.
He doesn't tell her until the last minute so that she doesn't fret over it. She is worried they'll run into someone and it'll trigger her anxiety but he tells her, rightly so it turns out, they'll be alone.
Harvey starts to tell her he can explain if she doesn't know how to play pool but she takes the cue from him, giving him a sassy slight push to the chest, and bends over to play the perfect shot.
Saturday
Popping a macaron in her mouth, Donna grabs the paper. She briefly scans the headlines but there is nothing that she has the attention span for to actually read so just when she is about to skip to the crossword, Harvey reenters the condo, his arms stacked with packages.
He dumps them on the table. "What did you do?" he says from behind the stack.
"Sorry, you said I could order."
"Don't apologize." Harvey's face pops up from behind the boxes. "I'm just curious what's in there."
"Yoga equipment."
Harvey's face is practically beaming, happy to see her taking the suggestions from the therapist to heart. He also noticed she polished off the macaron he laid out next to her daily fruit salad. "Excellent idea."
"And also some lights for the balcony." She gives him a look.
He cocks his head to the side but remains silent.
"To, you know, brighten up." She curls her lips. "It's so dark out there. I might... At night," she keeps stumbling.
"Donna, I'm fine with anything. If you want to change some stuff inside or outside to make yourself feel more at home, go nuts, go wild."
She swallows at his feel at home line.
"I do draw the line at all pink," he tells her while striding away to the kitchen.
"Way to rain on my parade, Specter," she calls out at his back.
Sunday
Donna is in his bedroom doing yoga for the first time when Harvey settles down on his couch with an issue of Sports Illustrated.
They placed her yoga mat and meditation pillow in the fitness corner of his bedroom yesterday when she had asked him why he doesn't exercise with her around.
She didn't like his answer that he usually does a circuit of dumbells, cross-trainer, and rounding it off with a run. She ordered him to try to leave her alone for a half-hour run but he doesn't feel comfortable yet. Now that he has been made aware of her constant anxiety he notices it all the time. Maybe when the yoga is proving to have a calming effect on her. Her cast is limiting her options though so he doesn't expect results right away.
Sipping his coffee, he tries to emerge himself in a Yankees article for now. Donna made it very clear they will be hanging those lights on the balcony railing next and there is no doubt in his mind, he'll be taking her orders for the rest of the afternoon.
Monday
Harvey rotates his upper arm, trying to get rid of the nagging dull ache he is feeling. Hanging those lights yesterday turned out to be quite an extensive task. But when he turned them on in the end, it made Donna's eyes light up and that is totally worth his silent suffering of today.
He walks over to his fridge to make himself some lunch and prepare Donna's fruit salad.
It's the only thing she actually finishes each day and thanks to Louis' fruit basket the supply is endless so he'll happily slice and dice.
Upon returning to his desk, he quickly sets up a task in his agenda to wake Donna. He is about to enter a name partner meeting and she gave him strict instructions to not let her sleep any longer than two hours max. Plugging in his AirPods he joins the meeting, settling back in his chair, listening to Louis taking the lead.
Louis has just asked what the timeline is for him returning to the office when Harvey takes one earplug out. He heard it right, Donna is calling his name. He throws the earplug on his desk. "It's Donna, I gotta—" he interrupts Louis and runs off.
He opens the bedroom doors and finds Donna hugging her knees. She looks up and tears are streaming down her face. He quickly jumps on the bed and crawls over. Donna takes her afternoon naps on his side of the bed for some reason. He scoops her up in his arms.
"I— he— it—" Donna gulps and he brushes her hair out of her face.
"I'm here. You're safe. I won't let anything happen to you, I promise," he mumbles in a soothing voice.
On the other end of the line in the meeting room, four mesmerized name partners are listening to Harvey's soft voice vibrating through the speaker. He utters the softest words they have ever heard come out of his mouth and it is fascinating.
Then, Alex leans forward and mutes Harvey's mic. All heads swivel in his direction.
"What? It is the decent thing to do people."
Sometime later, after Harvey helped Donna put on the sealed bag to take a shower, he returns to his desk. He sees the one earplug on there and his hand flies up to his ear to find the other one there. He closes his eyes, sighing loudly, before lifting them to the ceiling.
He slumps down in his chair, ready for the barrage of questions when he sees the muted mic. He knows he didn't do that in his haste and he silently thanks his friends. Unmuting himself, he says, "To answer your question Louis, I need more time."
…
Donna emerges from the shower trying to brush her hair. She sits down on the couch and Harvey watches her struggle with some tangled knots. The cast on her other hand means she can't get a good grip, making it pretty much an impossible task.
"Shall I do it?" he offers and she shyly accepts.
"I'm out of sight but still hanging to your every word Louis," he quickly lets the meeting participants know. It earns him a chuckle from Donna.
He grabs the brush from her and starts combing her red locks. When he gets to the tangled area, she flinches and he uses his other hand to reduce the pull on her hair. He methodically works his way through every knot.
"But with an LLC we can allocate the loss via the operating company agreement as long as we meet the rules in Treasury Regulation 1.704-1." Harvey quips in between two brush strokes.
Donna gives him a sideways glance. Who says men can't do two things at once? Even though her brain isn't here half the time, she likes seeing him in action again all day. She watched him do this for many years and it feels comfortably familiar.
He gives her the warmest smile in return and mouths, "Sorry."
But she dismisses it. He's working and still manages to help her out, nothing to be sorry for.
…
A painful smack wakes Harvey up in the most uncomfortable way. Blinking, he lets his eyes adjust to the darkness and that's when he sees the culprit of his pain. Donna hit him with her cast when turning around. Suddenly a loud frightening "Noooo" pierces through the silence.
He is frozen for a second before he realizes it must be Donna having a nightmare again so he rolls to his right side, folds his fingers around her upper arm, and then hesitates. What if a sudden wake up scares her even more? He debates with himself for a few seconds and decides reliving the shooting is definitely much worse than any alternative. So he lightly shakes her arm. "Donna," he whispers. "Donna wake up."
He needs to seriously tug her arm before he is successful and her eyes fly open. Her breathing is ragged and Harvey realizes she feels clammy.
"You were having a nightmare so I decided to wake you." He slowly runs a finger across her upper arm. "I hope that's okay?"
"Yeah," she gulps so he continues to trace lines on her arm, circling the mole she has there. He can't see it but he knows exactly what it looks like. This isn't the first time he's tracing it.
She is having a hard time getting her breathing under control and he's worried she'll start to hyperventilate or worse. He moves his hand up to her face and cups her cheek. "Hey, I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere." He gently rubs his thumb over her cheek. "I wish I could take this pain away. How can I help?"
Curling her fingers around his arm, she manages a squeaky, "This, talking."
"I can manage that. I talk for a living. I can talk my way out of a paper bag." Harvey continues the exploration of her face with his thumb. "When I was 3 years old we went for my yearly check-up. So I sit there, coloring, being silent. And the nurse holds up a red crayon and instructed me to "say red." I say nothing and she goes "red, say red!" He trails his thumb over her nose, underneath her chin, and rubbing the worried frown on her forehead. "I'm still silent so she turns to my mum and proceeds to tell her that if I don't start talking soon, I'll need to go to speech therapy. And that's when I decide to tell her It's not red, it's maroon."
He can feel her smile underneath his touch and he leans in, resting his forehead against hers. "You smiled," he whispers. "That's good."
"Maroon is so much better than red." She is so close her breath is like a soft summer breeze tickling his face.
"That is why your maroon dresses are my favorite." His voice so hoarse, it throws her.
Suddenly the air is charged and it hasn't been about that for the entire time she has been here.
There is no space in her mind to have it be about that.
"Harvey." It is the way she says his name that makes him retreat. He pulls his head back and as his hand moves away from her face, it clenches into a fist.
He ponders if he needs to address what just happened when there is a flash, followed by thunder and heavy rain is sweeping against the windows. It is as if the sky suddenly cracked open and is now releasing all its ugliness at one time.
Frightened, Donna shrinks together, her head close to his chest, and Harvey instinctively digs his fingers into her hair, murmuring how this will pass soon, kissing the top of her head.
They stay like that for a while until his arm goes numb from her weight on it. He gently tries to lift her head so he can stretch his arm.
"Want me to go back to my side?" She sniffs quietly.
"No," Harvey answers firmly. "Let me just—" He extracts his arm, free now to wrap around her body so she curls into him, and with his heart beating against her ear, they listen to the thunder slowly rolling away into the distance.
Tuesday
It's just a few hours later when Harvey's alarm buzzes. One hand still buried in Donna's red locks, he slams the off button with his other. He's sprawled out on his back, with Donna curled into his side. He lets his chin rest on top of her head again, closing his eyes, when Donna stirs.
She immediately pulls back a little and he opens his eyes to meet her hazel ones.
"I fell asleep," she says in wonder. Normally the anxiety keeps her up for sure. "Thank you." Her voice is so soft he barely hears her.
He shakes his head. "You don't need to thank me. It's why you're here. So I can help you get through this."
He wants to kiss her forehead as extra reassurance but he knows he shouldn't. "I should—" he pulls back a little. "I should go shower. Another day in the home office is waiting." And with that he leaves the bed, heading to the bathroom.
…
Dressed in fitted khaki pants and a v-neck white shirt, Harvey pads into his kitchen barefoot. Donna, still in her robe, is just putting the milk back into the fridge and looks him up and down, her eyebrows raising in surprise.
She hands him the freshly made cappuccino. "What?" he says taking it from her.
She picks up her own decaf cup and shrugs. "You are awfully casual for a workday."
"No meetings today, just endless amounts of paperwork."
They sip their coffee in comfortable silence for a while.
"Do you think you can go to your therapist appointment by yourself or do you need me to...?" Harvey asks. "Because I'd be happy to sit outside with my laptop if that's what you need."
Donna bites her bottom lip. "I'd really like to do this by myself but I'm not sure—"
"If you feel comfortable enough around Ray," he finishes the sentence for her.
She scrunches up her nose. "That sounds horrible if you say it out loud, doesn't it?"
"How about I invite Ray up a half-hour early for a coffee? You can decide how it feels in his vicinity."
Donna gives him a shy nod and grateful smile in return.
…
"Hey Ray, good to see you," Harvey announces joyfully opening his front door. "Did you enjoy those unexpected two weeks off?"
"Can't complain, Harvey," Rays says, stepping inside. "Although the Mrs. was ready to hand me back to you during the day. Said I was meddling with her routine."
"Kinda like I have been doing with this one then." Donna looks around the corner, pointing at Harvey.
Ray walks around the counter. "But you are much easier on the eyes, Donna."
"True," she admits. "It probably helps him tolerate me."
Harvey watches the banter with a smile before heading to his desk. He has a good feeling about this.
…
If the slam of the front door isn't a telltale sign, then her red-rimmed eyes certainly are.
Harvey stands up as she approaches his workspace but halts in front of it.
He cocks his head to the side and waits. When she rounds his desk, he opens his arms and lets her seek refuge in his chest.
Small sobs escape while he squeezes her tight, rubbing his hand up and down her back, stroking her hair with the other. He heaves a sigh. He hates seeing her like this. "I am here for you," he tells her. "Whatever you need."
He holds her with one arm but grabs the armrest of his chair with the other to pull it close and he slowly lowers himself down, pulling her into his lap. Her head resting on his shoulder, crying softly, as he just holds her and waits. He sees several chat pop-ups and a call from Louis from the corner of his eyes but he ignores them all.
It isn't until the crying stops, that he speaks up again. "Want to tell me what happened?"
Donna shrugs and nervously fidgets with her sling. "I told her everything." She closes her eyes. "And then— The images, I couldn't stop them." Tears well up again. "They overwhelmed me and I panicked."
Harvey swallows. "That really sucks."
"Uh-huh. Hilli was great though. She calmed me down and we talked about triggers and coping skills."
"I'm really glad you trust her. I'm sure with her help you can get on top of this."
"She says it's going to be a long road." Donna inhales sharply. "Today it's two weeks." She looks up at him. "I've been here two weeks already and no sign of improvement. I'm sorry." She lowers her eyes again.
Harvey puts his finger underneath her chin and makes her meet his eyes. "Stop saying you're sorry. None of this is your fault." His thumb grazes the skin of her chin. "You can stay as long as you need. One month, three months, six months. Whatever you need."
Donna nods and places her head back on his shoulder. He shuts his laptop down with one hand and holds her. They sit there for the longest time.
…
Waking with a jolt, Donna sits up in bed, breathing rapidly. She dreamed of the shot and her ears are still ringing. Blinking, she tries to make it disappear but instead, she feels her head spinning.
Grounding, Hilli talked about grounding yourself with the five senses. Obviously, there is nothing to smell, touch, taste, or hear so she needs to go for sight, even though it is very dark.
Her eyes can make out some shapes in the room and she counts the paintings. One, two.
Well, that didn't help at all so her eyes are moving rapidly around the room. One mirror, two nightstands. Then she spots the dumbbells. There are ten of those and it keeps her occupied slightly longer. The ringing is gone but her breathing is still too fast and there is nothing left to count.
She closes her eyes to try a breathing exercise but is hit with the image of blood seeping into the hallway carpet and it sends her falling.