An: I need to say again: In this fanfiction is spoken about sensible topics like, suicide, depression, panic attacks... In general mental health struggles.

The sun was already going down and the three friends were sitting in the living room, every one of them focused on their own tasks. Mike was still going through the documents, which he needed to have prepared for the next day, to finally close a client he had now for quite a while. Rachel was researching on possibly connectet people to her own case.

And Donna was planning the next firm event, at least she was trying to, but mostly she was just trying to stop her mind from going there. Again. However, she couldn't stop herself, it was getting more and more impossible each day. When did she start feeling so miserable without him, and when did it start that only his pure presence made every moment feel complete? She just kept wondering when her moments would feel normal again, when the days began feeling great. Because they were great, she did great things, meet interesting and nice people, she had fun with her two best friends.

Still, she kept thinking that if he was here, it would be better. It would finally all make sense again. She wouldn't be trying to sleep for hours in her bed, not being able to rest. She wouldn't be hugging her pillow then, trying to imagen it would be him, trying to trick her mind into thinking he wasn't across the country.

Donna knew she should stop wearing his shirt, the one she secretly kept, she should stop looking at the pictures that painted their lives. She should stop drinking her coffe with Vanilla, stop thinking what he was doing, stop imagining that dance. Even though she knew that, hated herself for still wanting him by her side, by every step she was taking, she didn't stop. She wasn't even trying, the truth was that she didn't want to try, didn't want to know how her life would be without him. Because even though her life now was without him, he was never not there, never did one day go by without thinking about him.

Sometimes she thought if she could just call, try to reach him, just hear his voice. On really bad days she thought about stepping in the next airplane, flying across the country to him, just to his presence and comfort. Hoping he would want her there, even though he hadn't even tried to call – because she wanted him to miss her, maybe he would tell her that?

Maybe then it would be okay again?

She didn't know and she would never, because she couldn't call, fly there, or admit she was missing him. Donna couldn't tell her best friend about all the feelings making her whole body feel in a trance, making her heart ache and break every time. Donna was strong, she was the one keeping her head cool and in the right spot, showing empathy to others. Helping, fixing and knowing, thst was the position she played.

There was now way she could let herself stop being that, stop staying in that position. Because even though something it made her restless and alone, it gave her security.

It always did, back when she was a teen and lost everything she knew, she could read people, tell how they were feeling. And that made it easier to not need to feel what she was feeling, she learned how many people feel pain, saw how many peopl couldn't bare their own lifes. That made her learn to keep her own emotions in check, the deep ones, the ones that were locked in a box with a key not to be found.

The Feelings that couldn't be said, because it weren't easy feelings. The kind of feelings that seemes to easy reading a book, but were so devastating if you knew there wouldn't be a happy ending.

All she wanted was a happy ending.

But again, she wasn't suposed to go there, let her self think that. She tried to focuse her vision on her task, which place would be the best for the event?

She pulled her chaotic feelings on the side and began to read through the information about a venue on her list. The words settling in her brain, finally making her head focuse on it too, now finally in her work flow.

The rest of the evening went exactly like that, working, now and then one of them asked something. Sometimes it was just a random thought, or a question, when they thought the other could help them. Or a suggestion, that popped into their heads. But never was it more then that. It was a comfortable work place for them.

They did this all the time, they were a team, and working together was part of that. But sitting alone in their offices, working wasn't quite as nice. So they built the ritual of going 'home' early, only to work there, mostly late into the night. But it felt somewhat better then in the office, it had something intimate, and now and then someone said something funny. And after that they could all eat together, like a family, or something like that.

Donna was most of her time with Rachel and Mike, she knew she was maybe sometimes the third wheel, but they never actually made her feel like that. She still knew, and she ttied to separate herself a little, but they still just came back to this routine.

They all were rattled from a sharp knock, all of them frowning at each other, because they definitely didn't expect company. But here there was definitely someone expecting to get let in, and it couldn't be a mail man, for that it was already to late in the night. Only after the fifth knock Rachel stood up from their comftorble place, heading towards the door.

Mike and Donna just waited expectingly for Rachel to come back, they already suspected it must have been a mistake, the person who was knocking would have just gone to the wrong adress. But when Rachel came back, there was also someone else there, and everyone of them could see that he didn't look good.

Louis Litt, the managing partner of the firm they all once worked, the man that grew from a annoying and infuriating man to a good friend. To someone they could depend on and trust. So maybe it shouldn't have been all that suprising that he was here, but Donna knew in thaf exact moment something was terribly wrong. Because her friend didn't look happy to see them, or excited, just completely exhausted and broken.

His eyes were terribly read, his beared definitely not shaved in days, and his clothes weren't as straight hanging from him then they normally were. The tie was not to be found, the first buttons of his shirt were opened and the shirt also wasn't suited in his pants. He also looked tired, and worried, and most of all Donna could observe guilt.

Without even being able to stop it, her thoughts went to Harvey, what if something had happend to him? What if Louis was here because something terrible had happened? Was he okay? A sudden urge to be sure if he was okay overwhelmed her, but she bit on her lower lip, trying to stop herself from voicing these thoughts.

Louis stood akwardly between the door of the living room and the couch, seemingly unsure where to move and how to explain his misery.

"Louis you look terrible" Mike noted a little worried.

"Yeah no I am fine" Louis jurked out, but his voice was a little to high and fast to make his friends believe that.

"Maybe sit down?" Donna suggested with the warmest smile she could muster.

"Yeah- Thank you" He answered and swallowed hardly when he sat down.

He fidgeted nervously with his shirt cuffs and his eyes darted everywhere but to the people with him.

"What's going on Louis?" Rachel asked.

"Something happend" Louis began fidgetly, "I am so sorry" He croaked out.

Then Louis eyes pressed together and the man began to visibly flinch.

"Louis what's going on?" Mike asked eager.

Louis just looked away. Donna wanted to encourage himy say something, do something, but her mind was spinning and with every minute she felt dizzy. She couldn't shake the thought that the terrible thing that happend had something todo with Harvey, that thr world decided to be cruel once again. So she just waited, biting her fingernails nervously and hoping it would all just stop.

And then it came, the words spoken, like a twisted gut punsh, running into her with force. Like nothing ever did.

"Harvey is dead" Louis voice broke out.

And then everything felt like a blurr, like everything sround her was falling down, on her. She could feel the big tears burning in her eyes, but not falling.

"No that can't be true!?" Mike exclaimed protesting.

"It is" Louis said seriously.

"How?" Was the only word that Donna was able to get out of her throat.

First she didn't thought it was loud enough, maybe she didn't even say it, the word wasn't even coming from her lips. But then she saw Louisnface darken.

"I am so sorry" Louis repeated, his voice full of shame.

"How?" Donna found herself repeat the words, this time a little louder and determined.

"Donna, please, you need to calm down before-" Louis tried to stop the train wreck.

"How?" She asked again, this time it felt more like an order.

"He killed himself" Louis told them quietly.

"No he wouldn't!" Mike shot out immediately.

"I didn't- I thought- I don't know what to tell you" Louis said anxiously.

"You are lying" Donna could hear Mike accuse.

But everything else began to drown, she felt herself stand up, the next thing she knew she was sitting on her own bed, in her own apartment, alone. And the tears didn't stop falling, the hurt didn't stop burning and the feeling of incompleteness didn't dissapear.

She thought about everything she lived through, her life, her life with him. About all the days when his gaze, laugh or small touch had made it all so easy. When their banter felt like the highlight of her day, even though she had a great day. The late night's they spent in his office, talking about everything but nothing, how they were them. How they just fitted.

The dance they shared before she went, the last memory they shared, the way his hands were holding her in place, swinging her around the dance floor. How his smile lingered on his face, his heat burning towards hers. How the music had played in the background and there wws nothing else. That there wasn't anything else she remembered from that moment, except him.

A strangled choke escaped her as the thought creeped into her head, that this was their last moment. It was a great moment, something tressured and so pure, but now it felt bitter. All she ever wanted since she met him was to see him happy, but he wasn't happy.

He took his live, he was gone, and all she could think about was that his last thought must have been a bad one. There was no last memory, the last moment, he didn't die in peace. His death was horrific and sad and he didn't get his happy ending.

Her hands were shaking, she held her pillow tight, burying her head in it. Her whole body felt like there was no powere left, she had no idea how long she sat there hoping it would all be diffrent.

What if they would have been together, since they met, what if it would have been easy?

They would have had children, little thems, they would have had so many more memorys. Why was the life they had so short? Why couldn't the time stop so they could have everything? Why couldn't it be enough.

But they never were anything.

What was she supposed-to-be doing now that he was gone, living without him was already awfull, living without him in the world seemed unbearable. Now there wasn't a chance for them to ever be together again, to make it all right. She didn't know what he had thought about her, he probably hated her now. The thought pained her since she heared about it all from Louis, she hadn't seen the now dead man on months. She had left, and even though she knew it was the right decision, now everything it made her feel was regret. He probably felt abonded, left, she did the one thing she promised him to never do. Again, this time final.

Maybe he hadn't even gave her a thought? Maybe he got back with Paula? Maybe he didn't want to ever see her again. The worst part was she didn't know, she never would.

The crying didn't stop for a long time, only when it felt impossible that she had any liquid in her body anymore it stopped. But within it nothing else did. Her mind was stuck with the thought of his cold body somewhere in new York, without any vein pulsing, without his heart beating.

What she would give to feel his touch just once again.

The next days were just exactly like that, she spent the most time in bed, not able to concentrate on anything else. Everything felt so cold and wrong.

The thought, of the fact that he was dead, not ever coming back was stuck in het head repeading endlessly. It felt like days whete she was just sitting their, the thought of him dead bouncing back to her. Him alone. Cold. Without a heartbeat. Lifeless.

And then she found herself in Boston, with everybody she knew, everybody Harvey knew. And they were looking at her, she knew the accusing looks, the whispers about everything. And she was standing in the middle of it all. His coffin was getting burried in the ground, the dirt was swept over it. A women, a little small, big eyes was crying.

Donna didn't know who she was, even though she had a fair guess that it must be Harvey's mother, but the women seemed to understand her pain. Mike was looking angry, holding still in the comfort of his wife. And Donna stood There, around her all these people she knew, and all she wanted was to be burried next to him, getting soaked into the dirt. But that wasn't going to happend, so she just looked how he vanished.

The people talked, they cried, told storys and Donna just stood there. Donna didn't say anything, because she didn't know if he wanted her to even be there. She just waited and hoped it would stop all. That they could go back in time, that she could fix the mess that had built, and just see him once again to tell him she was sorry.

A part of her wanted to scream at him, maybr even punsh him, tell him he is a huge idiot for thinking that he shouldn't be alive anymore. Never did she thought it would come to that, it didn't seem possible, he was the strongest person she knew. But now he was literally rotting in the ground, not ever coming back.

In a strange way she wanted to lie besides him. But that wasn't possible, as near as she could be to him now was standing on the dirt that secured his way to early grave.

Over the years he felt like the one person she couldn't get rid of, no matter how much she tried and wanted to. Even when he wasn't a part of her life, but now he was dead, and the part he took over didn't dissapear. The part he had taken, for over a decade, now left a big hole she couldn't imagen ever being able to refill. Nor did she want it to be refilled.

She felt Mike and Rachel's secure arms wrapping around her, forcing her to stand still, so her body couldn't give in. She felt herself trembling on the ground, she thought she might faint, black and white dots building up Infront of her vision. Donna closed her eyes, trying to remain calm, but drenched sobs bursted out of her.

"It will be okay" Rachel said softly, still rubbing Donna's forearm gently.

"No it will not" Donna protested weakly.

"It just needs time" Rachel assured her friend.

But she wasn't even sure herself how time could heal this wound, because the wound seemed to be to deep to ever stop hurting. Rachel didn't know how she was supposed to support even her own husband, throughout the loss of his former mentor. Even less could she imagen how to help Donna recover from this, and she wasn't untouched from the loss either.

"Bullshit" Donna spat out, but it was lost from her normal energy.

It was more like a whimpering.

"Well- I am sorry" Rachel said pained.

Donna could see her friend was trying to help her, but she just wanted to be let alone. They couldn't bring him back.

And Suddenly Paula was standing Infront of her, the blond hair glimmering in the sunlight, the british blond was staring at her. The face was grimaced, full of furry, and suddenly the women seemed taller, blocking her whole view.

"You are a awfull person, it's your fault that he is dead!" The women spat out in disgust.

"No no- I-I never wanted this to happend" Donna whispered nearly inaudible, she felt the tears drown her vision once again.

"Oh please," The womrn bursted in her British accent, "You left to cause him pain, you waned him to die, don't play so innocent!"

"I-"

"You are the reason he did it, you failed, he is dead because of you and he will never come back!" Paula's words stung like a knife.

"No" Donna said, or maybe she just thought it she wasn't sure anymore.

"Why are you rven here?" Paula asked accusingly.

"Because-" Donna tried but lost her own words yet again.

She could feel the sweat drenching all over her body, her clothes felt sticky.

"He hates you! Because you couldn't keep your lips to yourself, now he is dead and you are the reason!" The Therapist shouted through the air.

Then Donna's eyes shot open, but the sobs didn't stop, her body was shaking and her breathing got shorter. In need to feel his warm presence she grasped around, trying desperately to feel his body besides her, but there was no body. The bedsheets next to her were cold, probably for a long time.

to be continued...

I hope that wasn't to confusing.

I am really sorry for the late update...I had some issues in my social life and I got diagnosed with congestive heart failure (which is fine honestly), but I just didn't have the time and got a little stressed.

Anyways I still hope you liked it and I would be very grateful for a review!