Another story where I take a movie I've never seen and clown on it.
"Hey, Frodo."
"Yeah, Sambo?" Frodo asked.
"That asshole's still following us."
They were on the enchanted trail through the enchanted forest, where ogres, orcs, and other gay shit lived. The trees were tall and thick and spaced far enough apart that you could walk between them. Frodo stole a glance over his shoulder, and sure enough, Golem was there, crawling on all fours and making animal noises like an autistic fourth grader. "Precious," he hissed, "fap fap fap." As Frodo watched in horror, Golem grabbed the dangly little cock between his own legs and yanked it so hard that Frodo thought it was going to rip off. "What's he doing?" Sambo asked in a low whisper.
"Jacking off."
Sambo blinked. "Again?"
Frodo and Sambo, both Hobbits from Middle Earth, had been on the road for three weeks, walking west to Mordor, where an evil, fascist eyeball ran a brutal dictatorship. Frodo had been given a cursed ring by Ghandoff and it was his mission to throw it into the biggest fucking volcano Mordor had. The ring, Ghandoff said, turned anyone who wore it into a megalomaniacal bastard. Past wearers included John Lennon and Donald Trump. Fearing another Orange Man situation, Ghandoff noped the ring to the first tiny, hairy-footed creature he saw, since a midget can totally be trusted with that kind of power. At first, Frodo was going to throw the ring into the pond behind his house and call it a day, but Ghandoff said it had to be dropped into a volcano in Mordor. Frodo didn't know why. This seemed like a bunch of bullshit to him and he was starting to get tired of it.
A week ago, he and Sambo met Golem. Dude was a total skitzo but he let them crash in his cave, so it was all good. Ever since, Golem had been following them and talking to himself about his "precious" while absolutely demolishing his own cock. He tried to steal the ring once, but Frodo and Sambo beat the shit out of him and left him by the road to die. He hadn't tried anything since, but Frodo had the feeling that he eventually would.
In addition to being stalked and harassed by Golem, they had done a bunch of other high fantasy bullshit, like sword fighting, drinking grog, and getting robbed by highwaymen. Sometimes Sambo played his flute and danced around like that dude in the Men Without Hats video, and Frodo picked flowers. He found a couple poisonous ones and considered feeding them to Golem.
"Say something to him," Sambo hissed.
"You say something to him," Frodo countered.
Sambo rolled his eyes. He turned around and, walking backwards, said simply, "Dude, leave us alone."
"My precious," Golem said. He grabbed his willy and shook it at Sambo.
"I'm gonna throw a rock at you," Sambo said.
"Throw my preciousssss."
Sambo turned around and faced forward again. "He's not going anywhere."
The path bent to the left and the trees fell away. All at once, the land turned gray and dead around them. The ground was ash and soot and the sky was iron gray. They came to a cliff overlooking a vast plane of misery and suffering. Ahead, the skyline of Mordor rose against the sackcloth heavens. It had been under Democratic leadership for decades and was overtaxed, filled with crime, and didn't have a single cop, since their police force had been totally defunded. Frodo spotted the volcano to the west, lava spitting from the top. "There it -"
Throwing his head back, Golem let out a mighty ausitic screech and threw himself at Sambo. Golem ducked his head and threw his arms back Naruto style. Sambo calmly stepped out of the way and Golem plunged head first off the cliff. Frodo watched him fall. When he was sure he was dead, Frodo cupped one hand to his mouth. "Enjoy hell."
Frodo and Sambo picked their way down a path that zigzagged back and forth across the face of a sheer cliff. They camped at the bottom and that night, Ghandoff appeared. Instead of gray hair, he had white. "You must go now. There's no time. There -"
Headlights fell over them and Ghandoff turned, bringing his staff up. A dozen soldiers surrounded them and pointed automatic weapons at them. A man in a black uniform and wearing a red armband walked up. Frodo and Sambo cowered behind Ghandoff. "Ah, I see zat you haft brought us ze ring." the man said in a German accent.
"The ring doth not belong to thy," Ghandoff said.
"It belongs to ze Fuhrer," the man said, "und I vill have it now."
Ghandoff turned to the frightened hobbits. "Harl, for thou must goeth now."
Frodo and Sambo scampered off.
The soldiers started to follow, but Ghandoff slammed his staff into the ground. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
What followed was an epic beatdown as Ghandoff…
...was mobbed and stomped to death by a bunch of Nazis. One kicked him in the face, another hit him with a People's Elbow, and the leader put him in a figure four leg lock. Bloody and panting, Ghandoff screamed in pain. He went limp, and when the Nazis were sure he was dead, they went after Frodo and Sambo.
By now, Frodo and Sambo were on top of the volcano. A war raged in the valley below them as agents of Eye-Hitler and the forces of Ghandoff duked it out. Frodo held the ring over the volcano, but at the last minute, Sambo shoved him away. "What are you doing?" Frodo asked.
"The power...the fame...we can't give it up."
"But we must. Ghandoff said so."
"Man, fuck Ghandoff. Don't you want the power and money that comes with wearing the ring?"
Hmmm...actually, power and money did sound kind of nice. "What about root beer?"
"If we keep the ring, we'll have more root beer than we can drink."
Frodo smiled. "Alright."
He put the ring on, and Ghandoff's ghost gave a big nooooooo that rang through the afterlife. As soon as the ring was on Frodo's finger, the entire world exploded.
THE END