J0nas Nagera: I was kidding in that introduction, mainly because when I first had the idea to do this collection, I thought Who do I think I am? Who's going to want to read a story that's not even finished? Some people that I've been at odds with over the years have called me egotistical (though they're just as bad as I am if not worse) and I'm aware that this could be considered an egotistical venture. At the end of the day, though, I've always been conscious of the fact that I'm just a fan fiction writer and that most people only read me because I use their favorite characters. Every time I write outside of the Loud House (mainly with commissions), my usual readers, by and large, skip it and wait for the next Loud House fic. Obviously this is the Loud House fandom so people want to read Loud House fics. I'm not complaining or bemoaning that fact, just pointing out that I'm aware of it and that I don't think I'm so great that people will read whatever I write just because I wrote it. I know that's not the case and that's fine. I've always been about having fun and this project struck me as fun, just like doing an abridged version of Reeling in the Years struck me as fun. I know if my favorite fan fic writer (still AberrantScript) did a project like this, I'd be on it like orange on Donald Trump.
This story is the first of the collection that isn't finished. It was written in July 2017 and has only been seen by AbberantScript. This represents what would have been the first chapter. The premise of the story would have been sort of an allegory for World War II. The ending would have been Rita and Lynn Sr. coming home to find that all of their children had killed each other. Rita would have gone, "Oh, thank God, that grocery bill was killing us." LOL. Dumb idea, I know, which is why I didn't connect with it enough to finish it.
One thing about having a lot of elderly relatives: They're always dying. On June 12, Lincoln Loud's great-great-aunt on his mother's side, Charlotte, had a stroke and "passed on" at the age of 98. Because it was summer and school was out, Mom and Dad stuffed all of the kids into the car and drove to Virginia, where Charlotte had lived since probably before the Civil War. Two weeks later, Dad's grandmother (who was also closing in on 100) died in Arizona, which meant another long, boring road trip. Tempers were short. Tensions flared. Lola and Lana bickered the whole way there, and Luan would not shut up with the puns. Lori was mad she was away from Bobby (again), Luna had tickets to a Mick Swagger show in Detriot that she couldn't use, so she was pissed. Lynn wasn't getting her recommended daily dose of sports, and it was putting her in a bad mood.
They barely survived.
Then, on August 15, the phone rang during dinner. Now, the Loud kids were young, but they were not stupid. They knew that there are only two types of phone calls that come during the dinner hour: Telemarkers and emergencies. In this case, it was the latter.
"My aunt Missy is in the hospital," Mom said with a heavy sigh as she sat, having gotten up to take the call. "She's not doing good."
Aunt Missy was one of those extended family members you hear about but never see. She lived in Palm Springs and was a schoolteacher for a bunch of years before retiring. Lincoln thought he saw a picture of her in a photo album, but wasn't sure. There were so many aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, grandparents, and grea-great-twice-removed-something-or-others that it was hard to keep track.
"How bad is she?" Dad asked, concerned.
Mom sighed again. "She's dying."
"Well," Dad said, "I guess that makes the third funeral this summer. Everyone be prepared to leave."
They all groaned at once.
"Not another road trip!" Lori said. "The last one literally almost killed me!"
"My butt hurt so bad," Leni said. "I don't like sitting in the car."
"No way, dude," Luna said, throwing up her hands. "I am not piling in that van for another thousand miles of being barfed on by the Queen of Carsickness."
Lori shot her a dirty look. "Well I don't want to have to hear your music for a thousand miles. Headphones are supposed to keep everyone else from hearing..."
"I'll snap if I have to deal with Luan's jokes again," Lynn said. "At least here I can walk away from them."
"The longer we're in the car, the higher the chance we will become embroiled in some type of heinous highway accident," Lisa said, "so I, too, will pass."
"Kids!" Dad said firmly. "This is family we're talking about! You are all being selfish."
Mom touched his arm. "Well, Lynn, maybe we should let them sit this one out. Long road trips are hard on everyone and we've already done two this summer."
"Please!" Lori said, balling her hands as if in prayer. "We'll be sooo good!"
"We'll spend the whole time cleaning," Lynn said.
"You'll thank yourselves later," Lucy added.
Dad sighed. "Alright. Fine. You can stay home."
Everyone cheered. Lynn and Luna high-fived, Lori hugged Leni, Luan threw her arm around Lucy's shoulder. Lincoln simply nodded. He'd much rather spend the next week reading Ace Savvy comics and watching TV than being on the road and meeting even more relatives he didn't know.
"But this house better be spotless when we get back," Dad added. "And if anything gets broken, you will all be grounded for the rest of the year and you will never stay home alone again. Understood?"
Everyone nodded.
The next afternoon, Mom strapped Lilly into her car seat and handed Lori a list of emergency numbers. Earlier, she went grocery shopping so they would have enough to last the two weeks they planned to be gone. "We love you guys," Mom said, hugging each child, starting with Lori and ending with Lisa. "Lori...don't let things fall apart, please."
"I won't, Mom," Lori vowed.
As they pulled away, the kids all waved. They were smiling and happy. Two whole weeks without Mom and Dad. What would that be like?
When they got back inside, they found out: Lori slammed the door and locked it. "Alright, assholes, listen up," she said, "no one does anything. Lincoln, fuck your comic books; Luna, fuck your guitar; Lisa, fuck your weird Nazi experiments; Lucy, fuck your poems."
"This shit again?" Lynn huffed. She wore a red tracksuit with yellow stripes up the sides.
"Yeah, this shit again," Lori said. "Every time I loosen up, you assholes go wild and tear the house down. Remember when you put Lincoln in charge?"
Lincoln slumped his shoulders. It was true. He failed.
"Lincoln instituted a flawed democratic system that was doomed from the start," Lisa said. "He was took weak, is what I'm saying."
Lynn snorted. "Your system wouldn't be much better than his or Lori's."
"And what would yours look like?" Lisa asked.
Lynn jutted her chin out proudly. "A classless society ruled by the proletariat – us. No Lori telling us what to do, no Lisa goose-stepping over us, just us living and sharing in common."
Everyone's eyes widened. "What did she say?" Leni asked, confused.
"Ha!" Lisa said. "Jewish Bolshevism at its finest! Your system has been discredited time and again. Look at the Soviet Union, look at Venezuela, all collapsed under the weight of blood sucking parasites masquerading as revolutionaries."
No one understood what either one of them was saying. Even Lori looked confused.
"Whereas your system seeks to place the few above the many based on superstition and pseudoscience. You claim that genes make one better than another simply to justify decadent Capitalist exploitation."
Lisa bared her teeth. Lynn bared hers.
"Alright, alright," Lori said, stepping in between them before it could come to blows. "You weirdos need to cool it."
"One thing we can agree on," Lisa said, "is that the old system must pass away."
"Yes it does," Lynn said.
They both looked at Lori, who gulped. "Guys..."
"This is starting to get strange," Lola said.
Lisa turned to her siblings. "I claim the second floor as The Fourth Reich. I am the most capable and qualified to be in charge. Look at my competition. A Marxist zombie whose only accomplishment in life is catching a ball. Meanwhile, I've earned a Jr. Nobel Prize and have all but cured cancer. Who do you think is more equipped?"
Lynn took a deep, angry breath. "Lisa's system will simply be Lori's all over again. In my system, no one will tell you what to do or boss you around. You will be the master of your own destiny."
The Loud kids all looked at each other.
"Mom and Dad left me in charge," Lori said, "I..."
Lisa and Lynn both turned on her, and she shrank back. "Fine, okay, do whatever."
"Now," Lynn said, "pick your side."
No one picked. Instead, they all looked thoughtful...and confused. "I know I don't want Lynn in charge," Luan said, "so I'm with Lisa."
"Lisa?" Luna asked with a humorless chuckle. "She's a total fascist, man. I'm with Lynn."
Leni touched her chin. "Lisa is really smart. So I'll go with her."
"Lisa's a nut," Lucy said, "I'm with Lynn."
Lola crossed her arms. "I will not mix with commoners, and Lynn's system sounds like it will be full of commoners. I'm with Lisa."
"Pffft," Lana said, "Lynn's system sounds a whole lot better than Lisa pretending to be Lori."
Lola turned on her sister, her teeth bared. "You have no idea what you're talking about, grease monkey."
"Oh, yeah?" Lana asked, leaning in until her nose was touching her sister's. "You're a snob."
When all was said and done, Leni, Lola, and Luan stood around Lisa, while Lucy, Lana, and Luna crowded behind Lynn.
"Lincoln and Lori," Lynn said, crossing her arms, "which is it?"
Lori sighed. "I guess if I have to choose, I'll go with Lisa."
Lynn's shoulders sagged while Lisa smiled widely. A cheer went up among her ranks.
"That means you're with me, Lincoln," Lynn said.
Lincoln's brows raised and he lifted his hands. "No, I – I don't want to be on either side."
"Lincoln, the old system has passed away," Lisa said, "you must choose one. With me you will find a bright, Aryan future. With Lynn, you will suffer desolation and death."
Lynn cackled. "With me you will enjoy a worker's paradise, Linc. With Lisa you will find a glorified Capitalist garden party."
Lincoln looked from one sister to the other. They were right. He had to choose one. "What if I don't?"
"Then you will be an enemy of the state," Lisa said.
"You will become an enemy of the people," Lynn said.
Lincoln gulped. He didn't want to be part of Lynn or Lisa's side, since that would make him an enemy of half his sisters. He had to choose, though. Lisa was a genius, so she had that going for her, but she was also a Nazi, and Lincoln knew what Nazis did: They put people into camps and gassed them. Lynn was...well...Lincoln didn't know. She didn't sound much different from Lisa, though.
Finally, he sighed. "Alright. I'm with Lynn."
He walked over to his group, and everyone patted his back. "Welcome to Team Cool, bro," Luna said.
It didn't feel like Team Cool. It felt like a death sentence.
They divided the house in two: Lisa took the upstairs while Lynn took the downstairs. Lynn's team was given fifteen minutes to gather their things. "Enjoy sleeping on the floor," Lola said to Lana as the latter packed a suitcase.
"Have fun getting bossed around," Lana retorted.
While this was happening, Lynn met with Lisa in Lisa's room. Red banners with white circles containing swastikas hung from the ceiling. Lisa sat behind a big oaken desk. She was dressed in tan slacks, a tan coat with brass buttons, and a tan officer's cap. On the front of the cap was an eagle with spread wings, a swastika clutched in its talons. She also wore a red armband.
"We need to sign a treaty," Lynn said. She stood before the desk with her shoulders squared and her chest out. "We need access to the bathroom."
"And we require access to the kitchen," Lisa said. She opened a drawer and removed a piece of paper. She took a pen and wrote on it. When she was done, she handed it to Lynn, who read it with a furrowing brow. "We can't use the bathroom between the hours of midnight and 6am?"
"That is correct."
Lynn plucked the pen from Lisa's hand and added her own stipulation. Lisa read it. "No kitchen access from 9pm to 9am?" She laughed.
"Take it or leave it," Lynn growled.
"Dear Lynn," Lisa said, leaning over the desk. "This is the type of things nations go to war over. I will not sit here and let a Communist dictate such ridiculous terms in my Reich."
Lynn ground her teeth. They needed bathroom access.
"Fine," Lynn said, "you can't use the kitchen during the same time we can't use the bathroom."
"Midnight to 6?" Lisa confirmed.
"Yes."
Lisa sized her older sister up. She didn't like a common Red telling her what she could and could not do. She was Lisa Loud, Führer of the Fourth Reich, and the whole house was rightfully hers. She could not, however, afford to go to war.
Not right now, at least.
"Fine," Lisa said tightly.
"Good," Lynn replied, and nodded curtly.
In his room, Lincoln shoved his most prized possessions into a dufflebag and then carried them downstairs. When his sisters came down as well, Lynn put her hands on her hips and looked around.
"Kinda sucks not having a room," Luna said.
"Rooms!" Lynn laughed. "Communal living is a far superior way. We can all share and bond. It'll be great."
Lincoln sat in the armchair. He didn't think it would be.