Chapter 6, Part 2

Belongings:

Bucky was having a Good Day. He woke up without nightmares, navigated the grocery store with ease, hung out with Spiderman ("It's the afternoon kid, why are you here?" "It's summer Mr. Barnes, I don't have school."), and found a recipe for apple pie that tasted very similar to the one his Ma used to make.

But then Sam came and ruined it.

Maybe ruining it was taking it too far, but Bucky went from having a Good Day to a Bad Day, so yeah, Sam ruined his day.

It was Friday, meaning movie night. Sam came over at exactly 5:30pm, like always. He usually brought three movies for Bucky to choose from. Bucky was getting pretty good at choices now, if he did say so himself.

Bucky looked through the peep hole in his apartment door when the doorbell rang. He knew that it was Sam (it was Friday and no one else ever came to his apartment anyways), but his subconscious and paranoia always made him double check who it was before opening the door.

Bucky opened the door to let Sam into his apartment. Sam opened his bag and pulled out the three movies as well as three books.

Bucky tensed at the books. HYDRA gave him books. HYDRA took away his books. He wasn't allowed nice things, he wasn't going to get attached to nice things. Books were nice things. Angel came over and bumped her head against Bucky's hand. He relaxed and pet her head.

If Sam noticed, he didn't say anything.

"So I figured since you read the Hobbit, you would like the rest of the Lord of the Rings books," he said, holding out the books.

Bucky stared at the books in Sam's hands. He couldn't take them, he couldn't get attached.

"Sam's not HYDRA, he won't take your books," the rational part of his brain thought. But then the paranoia kicked in, "But he could, couldn't he?"

Bucky couldn't refuse the books, but he couldn't take them either. So he just stared at them.

"Ok, well, I'm just going to put them here," Sam said when he realized Bucky wasn't going to take them. He placed them on Bucky's empty bookshelf in his living room.

Bucky didn't want to get the bookshelf, but Sam insisted.

Bucky sat down on the couch. He didn't want to think of the books, maybe if he ignored them, they would go away. Sam sat next to him.

"So, there are Lord of the Rings movies, but it's better to read the books first. So today I brought other movies, then, next week, we can watch the first movie," Sam said, pulling out the three other movies.

Bucky just nodded. Sam seemed happy with the books, so Bucky wasn't going to take that away from him.

Bucky looked over the three movies Sam brought and choose one. Sam popped the DVD into the DVD player.

Bucky hardly payed attention to the movie. The books on his shelf were the only things taking up his mind. Sam didn't seem to notice Bucky's mood. He laughed at the funny parts and cried at the sad parts. Bucky tried to focus, but failed miserably.

Sam was oblivious to the fact that Bucky was now having a Bad Day. After the movie, he told Bucky to call him if anything came up, like he did every week, and left.

Bucky glanced over at the books on his shelf. Sam said he would come back next week after Bucky read the first book. So Bucky had a week to enjoy the books. But was it even worth it? Why read them when they were just going to be taken away?

Bucky left the books where they were and got ready for bed. He would deal with it in the morning.

—

It was Thursday night and Bucky still hadn't dealt with the books. His palms would sweat and his heart would rapidly beat every time he even thought about going over to the bookshelf.

Eventually, he threw a sheet over it. Better to not look at it at all.

Sam was a good friend, Bucky knew that. Bucky knew that there was a very little chance that he would take the books. But he couldn't risk that chance.

He remembered the promise he made for himself back at HYDRA. No getting attached to personal items. He has broken that promise since then, but books were different. His first personal item at HYDRA. They were special. And off limits.

Bucky hasn't even picked up a book since recovered his mind in Wakanda. Sure, he had notebooks, but they were different. They were for him to write in, not for reading. He hardly ever re-read whatever he wrote in his notebooks.

Bucky lied awake that night, mind reeling with all the possibilities of what could happen tomorrow. Sam could take just the first book, since that was what Bucky was supposed to read. Or he could take all the books. Bucky feared what would happen if Sam figured out that he didn't read any of the books.

His therapist had talked to Bucky about his fear of expecting the worst from everyone. When he was feeling that fear, he was supposed to think of one thing that was good about the situation.

So what was one good thing about the books? Bucky didn't know.

Books were taken away. Books were destroyed. Books were bargaining chips. Books were rewards to be taken away.

None of the memories of books at HYDRA were positive.

Bucky got out of bed and started to pace. Angel woke up, but Bucky told her to stay. He had to think of a positive and pacing helped him think.

He realized that if he wanted a positive memory of books, he had to go way back. Back to the 1940's.

The Hobbit was Bucky's favorite book when it came out. A guilty pleasure of his were books, specifically fantasy books. He would drag Steve out to the bookstore every time a new fantasy book was announced. Steve grumbled and complained, but Bucky knew that he didn't mind. The Hobbit was a Christmas gift from Steve. He had pulled all his money from his commissions to buy it for Bucky.

Bucky wished he still had his copy of the Hobbit.

"There, that was a positive memory," Bucky mumbled. He walked over to his bookshelf and pulled off the sheet. He reached out to the first book, but something stopped him.

He couldn't risk getting attached.

Bucky sighed. Tomorrow was Friday and Sam expected him to have read the first book. Bucky walked over to Angel and crouched down to pet her head.

"I'll just fake it," Bucky said to Angel, "I can do that, Sam doesn't have to know."

Angel looked at Bucky and purred. Bucky took that as a sign of approval.

Sam would never have to know that Bucky didn't read the book. And then, when he took them away, Bucky wouldn't have to deal with the pain that ensued.

—

Friday night came and Bucky was nervous. He pulled the sheet off of the bookshelf early so Sam wouldn't question it.

Sam arrived as usual. He asked Bucky if he enjoyed the book. Bucky just nodded. Sam seemed to accept that answer and sat down on the couch to start the movie.

Bucky sat down on the other end of the couch. Sam looked at him.

"What, are you offended by me now or something?" he joked. Bucky just shrugged. He was not offended by Sam. He just didn't feel like sitting next to him in case Sam noticed his bluff.

Sam opened his mouth to say more, but Bucky shot him down with his signature stare. Sam called it his "murder stare". He closed his mouth immediately.

The movie started and Bucky tried to pretend to understand what was going on. He knew a little from his reading of the Hobbit, but there was a whole lot more in the first book. Bucky struggled to actually understand what was going on. His leg was bouncing up and down, so Angel had hopped onto his lap. He stroked her fur and she purred.

When Sam laughed, Bucky laughed. When Sam smiled and cheered, Bucky did the same. When Sam cried, Bucky followed.

The movie ended. Bucky's thoughts were spinning around in circles. Sam asked him what he thought of the movie. Bucky told him it was alright.

"Just alright?" Sam asked.

"Yeah," Bucky responded.

"I'm assuming that you liked the book better then? I did. I remember the first time I read the books….."

Bucky let Sam ramble on. The less he had to speak, the better. He figured that he should say that he liked the book better, since that seemed to be the popular opinion when it came to books versus the movie adaptation.

"So, did you like the book better?" Sam asked again.

"Yeah," Bucky lied, "The book was way better."

Sam smiled, "So what did you think of—"

"I liked it," Bucky interrupted. He wasn't going to understand what Sam was going say.

"You didn't even know what I was going to say," Sam said.

"I liked it," Bucky repeated. Sam frowned.

"Something's wrong," he eventually said.

"Nothing's wrong," Bucky told him.

"That's a lie. What's wrong?"

Bucky faltered. He had to think of an excuse, and quickly.

"I guess I just haven't been feeling well," he lied. Being sick seemed to be the best excuse he could muddled brain could think of.

"Can supersoilders even get sick?" Sam asked. Bucky shrugged. Sam scooted farther away from Bucky on the couch.

"Well, whatever it is, I don't want it anywhere near me," he said.

"Sorry," Bucky said. Sam got up from the couch and retrieved the DVD from the T.V.

"Whatever," he said, "Drink lots of water."

"I know. I took care of Steve when he was sick."

"Ok, ok, just checking," Sam said with a laugh, "Do you need anything before I go?"

He always asked that. Bucky knew that it was his way of caring, but it annoyed the hell out of him. He couldn't say, "Yes, bring back Steve." or "I want my old life back." Sam couldn't get those for him. So Bucky always said,

"No, not today."

Sam frowned at him, "Do you even have medical supplies here? I can go out and—"

"I have medical supplies," Bucky said, "I don't need you to hover over me like I'm going to break."

"Wow, ok, a no thank you would have been nice."

Bucky glared at him.

"Fine. I trust you enough to know that if you need anything, to call me."

Bucky nodded.

Sam said his goodbyes and then left.

He left without the book.

What was Bucky supposed to do now?

Was he allowed to read the books? Or was Sam waiting for him to finish all three before taking them away? Bucky didn't know and thinking about it made his brain hurt.

He walked over to his bookshelf again. He pulled out the first book. Surely just taking a look at it would be okay, right?

Bucky flipped through the book, not looking at the words. This was the first time he held a book since HYDRA. HYDRA was right to take his books away. He didn't deserve nice things, he was a monster, he…

Angel came over and bumped her snout into Bucky's hand. Bucky gasped and dropped the book. Angel picked it up for him and Bucky took it. With shaky hands, he put it back on the shelf and then covered the shelf with the sheet.

Angel bumped her snout into Bucky's hand again.

"Sorry, sorry," he whispered to her. He sat on the ground and put his face into her fur. It had been a while since he had those HYDRA Thoughts. He was able to snap out of them quicker now that Angel was here, but it frightened him that he still had them. It meant that he was still the Winter Solider, that HYDRA still had control over him, even if not directly.

—

Bucky spent the next week ignoring the bookshelf. Again. He still had it covered with the sheet, not once taking it off, even to just look at the books. Last Friday proved that if he even looked at them, he would get attached, and that was bad.

Friday night came and Sam came over on time, like he always did. He asked Bucky if he was feeling better. Bucky said yes. If he said no, then Sam would mother hen him and Bucky was fine on his own. Sam seemed hesitant to believe Bucky, but sat down on the couch to start the next movie.

They watched the second movie, this time Bucky tried to pay more attention to it. He was able to get absorbed into the world more this time. He still faked understanding what was going on, but he tried his best to have genuine reactions to what was happening on screen as opposed to just copying Sam.

After the movie, Sam asked him if he liked the book again. Bucky said yes. Sam asked him more questions about what he liked about the book versus the movie. Bucky was able to come up with a lie about liking one of the characters better. Sam believed him.

For being a VA counselor, Sam could be very dense sometimes.

Sam left, with his usual, "Call me if you need anything."

He left without the books.

Bucky was starting to doubt Sam. He clearly didn't know that Bucky wasn't allowed to have books. Bucky glanced at the bookshelf again. It could be possible that Sam was letting him keep the books. But it was equally possible that he would let Bucky read the books, and then take them away.

Bucky really, really, didn't want to risk that chance.

He figured that next week, Sam would take the books since Bucky was supposed to have completed them by then. He had one week until they were gone.

He walked over to the bookshelf, looking behind him as expecting Sam to pop out of no where to tell him not to. When no one appeared, Bucky touched the spines of the books.

"Sam's really not a good Handler if he thinks I can keep books," Bucky thought.

Wait, that wasn't right. Sam wasn't a Handler. Bucky didn't have Handlers anymore. He was free.

If he was free, he could theoretically read the books without consequences.

Glancing down at Angel, he picked up the first books and opened to the first page. He stared at the opening page for a while, not taking in the words. Everything about this situation felt wrong. He wasn't supposed to have these books. He wasn't supposed to read these books, he wasn't supposed to enjoy books.

His therapist told him that he could enjoy life now that he was free. But Bucky didn't tell her about the books. He knew that books were meant to be read, meant to be enjoyed. Just not by him.

He shut the book closed and put it back on the shelf, then covering the shelf with the sheet.

Next week, if Sam didn't take the books, Bucky would just return them himself. That way he didn't have to watch Sam take the books away. He would just take them away himself.

With his new plan in mind, Bucky went to bed and prepared for the long week ahead of him.

—

The third week came and went faster than Bucky would have liked. He once again, ignored the bookshelf. Sam was going to take the books today, so it didn't matter anymore that Bucky didn't read them.

After taking off the sheet, he paced his apartment waiting for Sam. Angel paced with him. She attempted to get him to stop a few times, but pacing helped Bucky think, so she stopped.

Sometimes pacing lead Bucky to negative thoughts. Sometimes it lead him to positive ones.

This time, it was negative.

Bucky walked the length from the kitchen to the living room, a scowl on his face. Sam would take the books, and now Bucky had no chance of reading them. Did he even want to read them? He didn't know. But now, he would never get the chance, even if he changed his mind. The books were going away, and Bucky would never see them again.

He just hoped that Sam didn't destroy them when he took them away.

Sam arrived on time and Bucky swore that the man had the world's best internal clock.

They started the movie, and Bucky tried his hardest to pay attention, but the only thing on his mind were the books. He didn't know how to tell Sam that he didn't want them taken away. He didn't know if he should even tell Sam that he didn't read them.

He faked his reactions again. Sam asked him what he liked again. Bucky lied, again.

After the movie, Sam got up. Bucky's heart hammered in his chest, worried that Sam would head over to his bookshelf and take the books. He didn't get attached for a reason.

But Sam didn't go over to his bookshelf, he just got up to collect the DVD. Bucky almost gave a sigh of relief. But then came the anticipation. When was Sam going to take the books?

Sam went over to Bucky and told him to call him if he needed anything. Bucky nodded. Sam seemed happy with this answer and left.

Without the books.

Now Bucky was confused. He thought that he wasn't meant to keep the books. He wasn't allowed to have books. Sam was supposed to take them away.

"Sam must have forgotten," Bucky thought, "He'll come back."

Bucky spent the next two hours staring at the front door, waiting for Sam to come back.

He never did.

Bucky worried that he forgot the books entirely. He remembered his plan. Tomorrow, he would go and return the books. Sam must just not know that he wasn't allowed books. Yeah, that had to be it.

Mind racing, Bucky layed down to sleep and Angel hopped onto the bed next to him. He ran his hand through her fur. She's going to be a big help tomorrow, he just knew it.

—

The next day, Bucky returned the books. He spent a long time staring at his bookshelf, wondering if he should even take them back. If Sam never took them away, then it was possible that he was meant to keep them.

With shaking hands, he pulled the books off the shelf and stuck them in his bag. He clipped on Angel's harness and leash and made his way to Sam's apartment.

It was a long walk, so Bucky decided to take the bus. He still didn't like the subway and only took it when necessary. It was too loud and crowded and reminded him of a train, which he did not like.

He got to Sam's apartment and knocked on the door. He almost never came here, only when Sam invited him. He felt out of place here, liked he was intruding into someone's personal space, even if he was invited to.

He took some deep breathes. He has rehearsed what he wanted to say. Now, he just had to wait for Sam to open the door.

On deep breathe number five, Sam opened the door.

"Hey Buck, miss me already?" he joked. Bucky didn't smile. He took the books out of his bag and held them out to Sam.

"You forgot these," he said, then added, "Yesterday."

Sam frowned, "I didn't. They're for you to keep."

Bucky was taken aback by that statement. They were for him to keep? He wasn't allowed books, he shouldn't even be holding them. He looked down at the books in his hands, and then at Angel.

"For me to keep?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Yeah man," Sam replied, "Did you think I was going to take them away or something? I bought them for you."

"You bought them for me," Bucky repeated.

"Yeah. Are you just going to repeat everything I say?"

Bucky looked up at Sam, "HYDRA gave me books."

Sam's smile disappeared and he asked, "Why don't you come inside?"

"You sure?" Bucky asked, "I don't want—"

"You're not a bother Bucky. Come inside, talk to me," Sam reassured. The "about HYDRA" at the end of his sentence was heavily implied.

Taking deep breathe number six, Bucky entered Sam's apartment. This wasn't part of the plan. The plan was to return the books, not talk about his trauma.

Sam's apartment was unlike Bucky's in every way. Where Bucky's looked abandoned, Sam's looked homey. Where Bucky had little furniture, Sam's was full of it. Where Bucky's apartment was a mess, Sam's was spotless.

"Here," Sam said, ushering him to the kitchen table, "Do you want any water? I might have some of that weird tea you like?"

Bucky shook his head. He sat at the table, books still in hand. He held them close to his chest. They were his, according to Sam. HYDRA gave him books, only to take them away. He still didn't trust Sam to do the same.

Sam sat down across from Bucky and looked at him.

"So, HYDRA gave you books," he started.

Bucky nodded.

"Ok, Bucky, I can't help you if you don't talk."

"What makes you think I want to talk?"

"Because you willingly walked into my apartment."

Bucky sighed, "HYDRA gave me books. As rewards for my missions."

Sam gave him a go on look, so Bucky continued.

"I couldn't read the books, you know? They scrambled my brain so much that I couldn't read. But I liked the books. They were mine, I earned them. I collected a few books before…" Bucky trailed off. He hated remembering HYRDA's punishments. If there was anything worse than remembering his missions, it was remembering the punishments and torture HYDRA out him through.

"Before they took them away." Bucky didn't look to see Sam's expression, "I failed. They wanted me to destroy them. But I didn't. So they destroyed them for me."

Bucky looked up at Sam, "I never touched a book again."

They sat in silenced for a bit before Sam said, "I'm sorry that happened to you Bucky."

Bucky scoffed.

"No really, I mean it. You should have told me about the books. Were… were you waiting for me to take them away?"

"Yeah," Bucky whispered, "I guess I just thought that since HYDRA did it, you would too."

"Bucky, I would never do that. You know that right?"

"I know."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

Sam seemed satisfied with that answer, "You can keep the books, Bucky. No one is going to take them away from you now."

Bucky looked down at the books in his hands. He smiled. He was allowed to keep them, they weren't going to get taken away. He wasn't going to have to destroy them. They were his.

"Thank you," he said.

"You're welcome Bucky. You can talk to me about these things, yeah?"

"Yeah," Bucky replied. If he could trust Sam to not take his books away, then he could trust him with his HYDRA Thoughts, "Thank you."

"It's no problem, really," Sam said, "Why don't you stay for lunch? I'm not as good as a cook as you are, but I'm sure I could make something without burning the kitchen down."

Bucky laughed, "You burned the kitchen down?"

"Almost, only once. But Sarah won't let me live it down. I'm banned from cooking in her kitchen."

"Well, as long as you're not going to burn down the place, sure I'll stay for lunch."

Sam smiled, "Good."

He got up, opened the fridge, and started taking out ingredients. Bucky looked down at the books clutched in his hand. He picked out the first one.

He was allowed nice things. He was allowed books.

With a smile, he started reading.

—

A/N:

Hey guys, sorry for being late on this one. I've been struggling to come up with ideas for this fic. I just watched the first episode of the Loki TV series, and have been kinda into that.

The In The Heights movie also came out, so that was very exciting for me. I urge you all to go and watch it.

I won't stop uploading to this fic, my uploads just may be slower as I start gaining interest in other things. Thank you for staying with me during my writer's block.

As always, thank you for reading and I hope that you have a fantastic day!