There was a startling forceful knock at the door, which caught all of us off-guard. I looked to Ilaria with wide, frightened eyes, putting my hand on hers to grab her attention. "Ilaria, the storm…." That was all I had to say; she understood immediately. I was quickly ushered to the back door where she let me out into the garden. "I'll be right back," my future-wife reassured me. Then she shut the door and presumably went to open the front door. I assume this because I soon heard an unfamiliar, older, somewhat strict and starched male voice in the kitchen.
"Buon pomeriggio, signore," Ilaria greeted whoever it was; sounded like she knew him from somewhere judging by how un-afraid her tone was. "Bonjour, mademoiselle Marcovaldo," he replied to… uh, I'm not sure actually. What's "mademoiselle" mean? I'd never heard that word before. Was he referring to Ilaria or Massimo? I couldn't tell seeing as I was unable to look inside at the three. "Er, Italian please. My uncle can't speak French," Ilaria gently corrected. French? Was that what he was speaking just now? Just how many human languages are there?
"You know this man, Ilaria?" Massimo next asked his niece. I could picture Ilaria cringing from where I was standing, I knew her that well. The tone of her voice was just…. uncomfortable, you could say. I could hear it very, very mild; it was hard to detect to amateur ears, but I could tell. "Um, yes. Zio, this is Papa's solicitor. He's the man Papa hired to appraise your fishing enterprise." His what? The stranger's doing what to who now? "Yes, and the appraise of signore Marcovaldo's estate is complete. Together with your client list, fishing gear and other assets, and the current state of the market, miss Marcovaldo had a dowery of precisely five thousand lira." Dowery…. There's that word again. I don't know why humans needed a dowery in order to get married; I certainly didn't have one, or did I? It would help if I actually knew what a dowery is or what it's used for. All I know is that humans think they're important and use them in marriages, I guess? It's hard to say; I was just grasping at straws with the very limited information I had. Lira is what they call their money, I think, but I could be wrong here too. Man! There's so much I want to ask Ilaria but I'm afraid of looking like an idiot in front of her. It's hard pretending to know everything all the time.
There was a brief pause inside here. "Oh," Massimo didn't sound disappointed by the news. But Ilaria's reaction…. This was one of those times I was genuinely shocked in my life. "F-Five thousand….? That's it?" "Five thousand is a lot of money, Ilaria! I didn't think the business was worth that much," Massimo countered. Another pause ensued. "No…. No. There must be some mistake; there has to be more. I was raised with the expectation that I would have a sizable dowery to bring into my marriage. All of my education surrounded that sole fact!" My eyes grew a little here. She's angry… No, maybe not angry; more so stunned. But why? Massimo said that five thousand is a lot of money; I don't know if that's true or not, but I trust Massimo's judgement. If he says it's good then why's Ilaria freaking out over this? And honestly, who cares how much money she gives her husband at the time of her wedding? I certainly don't! Just another reason why Ilaria and I should get married; I could care less how big or small her dowery is.
It's marrying Ilaria- my best friend in the whole world- that I care about.
Ilaria continued her tirade. "My father… My father brought me up to be a lady of consequence! He would be appalled to hear…. No, it has to be more! A dowery of ten thousand lira would be the minimum I should think!" Wait, hold on. Ten thousand lira? That's like double the amount Massimo's business has. That seems like too much to ask of her uncle. "You're quite correct, miss Marcovaldo. Ten thousand would be a good "starting point" for someone of your stature. As I'm sure you'll well appreciate, I have not informed your father on the matter as of yet, for I'm sure his disappointment would be too great to bear," the new man agreed. Welp! Shows how much I know. I thought Ilaria would be wrong for wanting a bigger dowery- why she wants a bigger one, I'll never know- but it appears that I'm the one who's mistaken here.
I suppose this "dowery" thing is a bigger deal than I anticipated.
"You're absolutely right! He would…. I mean, he expects…. This is not how he raised me!" "Ilaria!" I heard Massimo cry out, not that this made any difference. "I have to have a bigger dowery! He won't be satisfied unless there's at least ten thousand resting for me. Plus there's the cost of the wedding itself to consider…" Weddings cost money up on land too? Huh, they're free under the sea. Just how much money do you have to spend to get married? No wonder Massimo and his friends stayed single their whole lives. This was getting too complicated. "No, out of respect for my father and our position in society, I must procure a more substantial dowery," Ilaria announced resolutely. But Massimo….. "Be reasonable, niece! Where do you expect to find another five thousand lira? I don't make that in ten years." Ilaria thought a moment here. "What about my inheritance? Could that count towards my dowery?" What's an inheritance? Do you need that too to get married? "No. There's no certainty what you will inherit at the time of your father's passing. Your dowery must be procured from what your mother brought into your parents' marriage, or what the men in your family can afford to offer." Ooooooooh, I see; so the men have to get it for her. Well that doesn't make any sense! Why can't women get their own doweries? Seems stupid if you ask me.
"I can't have a small dowery. It would be shameful for my family in Florence if anyone back home ever found out," Ilaria said and my eyes widened. "Quite right, young lady. But the one it would be most damaging to is, of course, you," the stranger agreed, making my eyes grow even wider. It would be bad for Ilaria to have a small dowery? My Ilaria? Bad for her? "But certainly one of your lineage must have alternative sources of means," he carried on, saying something I didn't understand at all.
There was yet another brief lingering pause slipped in the conversation at this point. When Ilaria spoke next, her tone was much softer and more relieved. "Yes, of course. I'm sorry to have raised my voice in such an un-lady-like fashion. Not to worry about the situation. I'm sure my grandparents will be happy to supply the rest of my dowery." Her grandparents? I thought they died. Wait, or is she talking about her mom's parents? Whoever she was referring to, the stranger seemed to approve of the idea. "Very good. You are well educated, I see. Personally, I was matched up during the Season back when I was studying in Rome. Of course I do not need to remind someone of your class of the importance of one's family-standing when it comes to forging a good marriage."
Family standing? I gulped. Wait a minute, that matters? The memory of Massimo asking me about my family flashed through my mind in an instance. Is that why he asked me about my own family? Because he wanted to see how I would stand up for marrying his niece?! Uh oh, I told him that my dad left…. Is that going to be a problem when I ask him for permission to marry Ilaria? What if he says I can't because I don't have a family of my own?! I didn't know I needed parents and grandparents and all that to get married! But surely Massimo must realize that my dad leaving isn't my fault, right?
Right?
"Any potential matches will be aware of your dowery before you even arrive back in the city, and to that fortune they shall not be indifferent," the guy went on. My heart stopped dead in my chest. Arrive back in the city?! Does this mean that… Ilaria's going back to Florence to find a husband? I thought that's the whole reason she came to Portorosso! "Indeed, it is a gentleman's right to make a demand of that nature on your father, or in your case uncle and grandfather." "It is?" Massimo sounded as lost as I was. I'm sure Ilaria wasn't confused though…. I bet she understood what the strange man was talking about perfectly…. and it was beginning to break my heart in two.
The new man just wouldn't stop speaking in that fancy of his. "I am pressed to remind you though, that should your maternal grandfather contribute to your dowery, then it is his prerogative to have a say in who your match ought to be. And I should think that he would want you back in Rome for the Season." Ice… My chest felt froze. The blood in my veins stilled. Rome… A city so far away from here- from me. Say something, Massimo! Make her stay! Please make Ilaria stay here in Portorosso with us!
"Now, niece; this is not necessary. All that will be hurt is your father's pride if you don't have a bigger dowery. You don't need to ask anyone for more money." Yes, thank you, Massimo! Just keep it up and convince her that it's not necessary cause it's not….. Is it? I have to admit I did feel a little better when I heard Ilaria's relenting voice next. "You really so?" Yes; yes, he does, babe. Let's go with that!
I wasn't expecting this large banging sound to suddenly come from the room immediately following this. Then the strange man spoke, or rather shouted. "Young lady, I am surprised at you! You, who are so well-versed in the high world of Italy." Hey now, is he yelling at her? Is he yelling at Ilaria? The creep! Where does he get the nerve?! Why, I oughta…. "We both know what a low dowery means for your future, and to be frank, five thousand lira is a pitiful state for a lady of your rank. This is precisely what your father wishes to avoid and the exact reason why I am here." Oh….. Oh, my eyes began to sink down.
"Do you think any man of esteem or quality will even gaze in your direction with such an ungenerous settlement to bring forth into the marriage?" Uh, yes? "Surely not, as you are well aware." Oh, I guess I'm wrong…. "Your current fortune will be held in contempt- it is held in contempt." "I-I know….." That- that, right there- is what truly set all this in for me. For the very first time I realized just how different- and incompatible- Ilaria's and my worlds really were. She wasn't born into my world and I definitely didn't belong in hers…. And what's more, she knew this. I was just realizing for the first time truly, and she already knew….
When the man talked next, his tone was much harsher and authoritative. "You should be more concerned with your present situation than your grandparents' future influence. Stop being so childish and submit to what you have been raised toward. You were born into privilege and with that comes specific obligations- you are expected to meet these obligations." She is? "And you must do what will secure you a good and comfortable future. Your portion is so unhappily small that it will likely undo the other attraction of your loveliness and other perfections." Well he's wrong about that; I could care less how small Ilaria's dowery is, or that she even has one at all.
Another very uncomfortable and tense pause set in. The man's voice turned gentle and reassuring on a dime. "I tell you this for your sake, miss Marcovaldo. Your father and I must do what is best for you. This is what is best for you- you and your family. I'm sure your uncle and grandfather will be in agreement with me."
The world was abruptly lost to me. Time stood still and I couldn't breathe. My eyes stared off into nowhere as the man's words rattled around in my head like a sickness. Over and over they repeated….. What's best for Ilaria; he knows what's best for Ilaria…. He just said out loud what would be best for Ilaria and the Marcovaldo family….
And it's not me.
A tear fell down at my feet, followed by another and another. I was crying before I even noticed. My eyes were wider than they'd ever been and glued on the soil below my bare feet. I remember…. I remember what Massimo told us about love, how true love is about wanting what's best for the other person. And I did want what was best for Ilaria- it was supposed to be about her. It's just… A part of me wanted to believe that I was what best's for her- for her and her uncle. Maybe that by marrying me she could have a good future and be happy…. as happy as she made me each and every day.
My bottom lip quivered uncontrollably. But I was stupid…. Once again, I was such an unbelievable idiot. I'm not what's best for Ilaria; of course she can't marry me! That new man is right. Ilaria's got to go find herself a gentleman- someone who can give her everything I can't. That's what best for her, for her future. I love her….. I love her so much, so it looks like I have…. I have….. My lips parted a sliver, my arms fell numb at my sides. I have to let her go. I need to leave Ilaria's present, so that she might have a future. I love her, but that's not enough. It's not about me…. It's not about what I want or what's best for me. I have to think of Ilaria first and myself last. I have to go….
I shut my eyes as my head drew up a little. Everything was sheer agony; breathing, standing, just being alive. I didn't want to do this; it felt wrong to do this. It went against every bone in my body…. I wanted nothing more than to march right on in there and grab Ilaria. I'd grab her and hold onto her for as long as I could….. I'd never let her go. But that wouldn't be right; that wouldn't be me acting out of love for Ilaria. If I love Ilaria I'll walk out this garden and never come back. I'll leave Portorosso for good…..
My eyes slowly fluttered open to gaze up at the black clouds setting in now. I left before anymore was said; I didn't need to hear anymore. There was already enough said for me to get the point. And it would start to rain soon…..
But, no. I can't leave her without saying goodbye like this. She'd wonder where I went. Still I have to go…. We both know I have to. That, and…. I can't lie- I want to see her; I want to see her once more. I have to! Please god, just once more. Let me see her; let me hear the sound of her sweet voice….. Just once more and I'll be content. Well, no; I won't be, but I'll have to force myself to stay away. For her sake, I'll stay away. Just one more time…. I've got to see her. I love her so indescribably much, and I knew now that I'll never stop loving her. There'll never be a day when I don't think of her- never. Yes, I've got to do this. I've got to see her, this precious woman to me…. See her,
And say goodbye forever.
[End of part 4.]