Part five. Ilaria's P.O.V.-

I can't remember ever being genuinely angry in my life. Sure, I've been annoyed up to the brim before; Ercole's living proof of that. But I can't recall the last time I've been angry. Anger was very much a foreign emotion to me and I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. The way I saw it there was simply no reason for me to get mad. Or so I thought.

I'm not shy to admit that I was surprised and a little alarmed when Alberto didn't return for a couple of days. I couldn't fathom what kept him away. Maybe he was injured? Maybe he was sick? Did he need my help? I have a feeling he'd blow a gasket if I rowed out to his island again alone and I didn't think it wise to ask Uncle to take me. That would led to a lot of questions I'm not sure Alberto wants me answering. Realizing this, I saw no choice but to stay home and wait for him to come to me….. eventually.

He did eventually come- two days after his departure. I was in the kitchen cleaning something when my head tilted upward. I looked out the back window and was elated to see a familiar figure leaping over the wall and entering the garden. I quickly dried my hands and rushed to the back door with the widest smile on my face. I don't care that he was gone a while; I was just so incredibly happy to see Alberto again! It's only been two days but I already missed him so much. I missed his curious yet confident presence, the sound of his voice, even the flash in his throat as he breathed. I longed for them all again, and here he finally was back outside.

My feet rushed out through the door as fast they could go. "Alberto!" I cried happily. But shock and intense alarm overtook me as I got a good look at Alberto's face. It was grim, to say the least. His hands were bunched up at his sides and his arms were as stiff as boards. He made it a point to stand several feet away from me and maintain that distance. My hand rested on the doorknob, my eyes scanned him up and down trying to gage what was wrong. "Alberto?" My voice was much lower and more concerned this time.

It was only then that his moist eyes drew up to meet mine. The sorrow in them was palpable. Still, he said nothing. "Where have you been? Are you alright?" I pressed, desperate for answers. His pale lips parted a sliver, but it took some moments for any sound to come out. He tore his stare away from me as he finally spoke very, very reservedly. "I've…. come to say goodbye."

My heart skipped a beat- several beats. My fingers and toes grew cold. I couldn't feel my arms or legs. It was like Alberto was speaking to me in a foreign language. My own jaw fell open and took its merry time to response to this unexpected statement. "W-What….? W-Why….? What do you mean? You're not going anywhere….. are you?" Alberto still refused to look me in the eye. "I have to go… This is what's best for you."

I blinked at him incredulously. What the heck is he talking about? Where did he get an idea like that?! "What are you talking about? What do you mean "what's best for me"? Who told you that?" His head shook, still not even peering up my way. "Look, I heard what that guy told you," Alberto's tone grew firmer. "What guy? Wait, you don't mean….? You're not talking about Papa's solicitor, are you? The man who came that afternoon before the storm?" "Yes, him. I heard what he said; I heard every word," Alberto just kept raising his voice. It was clear this was painful for him. Meanwhile all I could was blink strictly dumbfounded. "W-What? Are you talking about my dowery?" I had no clue what he was referring to.

Only then did Alberto's eyes meet mine again- much sharper now. "Yes, that. I know you're not happy with the size of your dowery." "Oh… Oh, that! Oh, no! No, it's all settled; there's not to worry about anymore with that," I was a tad relieved to hear that this was the source of confusion. But Alberto shook his head. "Yes, there is. That man said your future depends on the size of your dowery. I want to help you get a bigger one, but I don't know how to get you the money." My eyes widened in surprise. He wants to get me a bigger dowery… That's the sweetest- and most mis-informed- thing any man has ever done for me.

Smiling, my own head gave a gentle shake. "It doesn't work like that, Alberto. You don't procure a dowery for me. It's up to the men in my family to provide me with one at the time of my marriage. No, you don't need to worry about that, I promise you." "But I am worried about it!" Alberto shouted back in a way that made me flinch. He'd never… yelled at me like that before.

After taking in a few deep breathes, Alberto finally gazed back up at my face. "You deserve the best, Ilaria. I may not understand it but I know that you need a bigger dowery so you can marry one of those "gentlemen". So just ask your grandparents for the money like you said you would." Alberto! My hand raised up to my pounding chest. Why… Why is he saying all of this? Why is he telling me these things? I don't…. I don't understand. "B-But I don't…. I don't need to do that," I countered meekly.

"Yes, you do! Look, I thought that I could stick around and we could be friends, but… But let's face it. I know I'm not what's best for you; we both know I'm not what's best for you," he repeated while anxiously looking me in the eye. I flinched again beyond startled and bewildered. I don't think there's enough words in the Italian language to accurately describe how lost I was just then. "A-Alberto….." My now dry lips breathed. He went on. "I'm not a gentleman, Ilaria. I can't give you what those other men can. And I don't come from a good family or have any sort of social connections. There's literally nothing I have that'll make you and your family better off," he spoke with such sincerity that it frightened me. "That's not true! Zio and I both love having you around, and I don't need to marry a high society gentleman." "That's not what the man said! He said that it's best for you to marry someone else! Someone like one of them! Someone who…. who is better for you and everyone," his stare wandered down at this point. Again, I could only gawk in fear…..

"Alberto, why are you saying all this? Why are you doing this?" My lips were beginning to tremble. His lungs sucked in copious amounts of air before replying. "Because I….." A pause ensued. "Because you're my friend, and you're the best one I've got….." Another pregnant pause here. Alberto's eyes reached up to mine once more; this time being much more soft and soulful, like he was bearing his heart out to me. "Ilaria, I lov-…" But he stopped himself from finishing his sentence, only to quickly replace it with another. "I just want what's best for you. I'm not it." "Alberto!" I cried out, feeling my heart rip in half right in my chest. This was agony for both of us- sheer, utter, profound, endless agony….

Alberto drew a very long breath in. Then he straightened his back up and shut his eyes for a moment. When they reopened they were firm with conviction. "So here's what going to happen. I'm gonna walk out of this garden and you're gonna go back inside…. and you're gonna find some lucky, lucky man to be your husband and take care of you- you and Massimo. I'm sorry, Ilaria, but we have to say goodbye; for your sake, we have to say goodbye." Alberto…. My tear-filled eyes lowered onto him. No….No, I don't want this. Don't tell me this. It's too….. I'm so….. Dear lord, why is this happening? Why are you punishing me this way? "But Alberto, I don't…" "Just go back inside, Ilaria; go inside and forget about me. You have such a good future ahead of you. Don't let me hold you back….. Go," he actually pointed back in toward the kitchen. My heart skipped another agonizing beat as tears began to drip down my cheeks. "Alberto, please….." "Go on; go inside! I'm not gonna tell you again," he commanded with some authority. My cheeks grew hollow. "Alberto…." "Ilaria, I will drag you in there myself!" "B-But… But what about the race?"

The colour in Alberto's face completely drained once I asked that. He looked at me with sincere distress. Another deep inhale filled his chest as he gave me a very, very stern stare. "I'm only going to say this once: do not go back into the ocean. I won't be entering the race with you anyway, so there's no reason for you to ever go in the sea again. Got it?" He said this to me and I merely watched him for a minute. As I continued to stare this little hot bubble started to swell in my stomach. Got it? After everything we've done? After all the training we've spent countless hours doing? He's going to end it all for us, just like that? Just like that?! Have I got it? No! Not in the slightest!

For the first time I can ever remember, my face contorted in what appeared to be anger. No, this wasn't anger- this was rage. It was like ever since my hand was struck by the head mistress's rod, everything I've ever repressed bubbled up to the surface. I wasn't just mad at Alberto; I was mad at my old school teachers, I was mad at my father, I was mad at every comment ever made to me about being a lady. I was angry… I was furious just then.

"How dare you?" "Ilaria…." Alberto's hand rose up a tad but it was too late. The lid was already off and I wasn't about to close it up again now. "How dare you?! We've been training for that race for months! And you're going to decide to take us both out of it without consulting me first?! How could you?! And what do you mean you're not what's best for me? How would you know?! In fact, how would that Roman solicitor know what's best for me either?! Why does everyone keep telling me what to do and what not to do with my life?! It's my life, goddamn it!" "Ilaria!" Alberto blinked at me in pure disbelief. But I wasn't done yet- oh no.

"I am so sick of men telling me what to do. I've been raised my whole life to be wordlessly obedient to others. No one ever asked me what I want- no one! Why?!" "Ilaria," Alberto tried to cut in again but I was having none of it. "Why hasn't anyone ever asked me what I want?! You think you know what's best for me? You know who really knows what's best for me? Me! I'm not some helpless little girl who needs to be petted and passed around and ignored my whole life! I'm smart enough to know what I want and what's best for me! And here's another thing: this game that I'm supposed to be playing in society is stacked against me. They think I'm so dumb that I can't see it, but I've tried my whole life to be a good daughter- that's all I've ever aimed for. And still, it's never good enough! I'm so sick of it! I'm sick of constantly being judged as a "lady" and expected to be this perfect ideal which is ultimately unachievable. You never once asked me what I think is best for me; not once! You only listened to what the men in my life had to say on my behalf! How's that fair to me?! I thought we were friends!"

I had to stop here to take in some much-needed air. It was Alberto's turn to look gobsmacked; he was the speechless one for once. But sensing I hadn't changed his mind I simply fixed my posture and put my hand back on the doorknob again. "I know you're afraid of me going back into the water, but I'm entering that race. It's the first thing I'll ever be doing purely for myself and I'm sure as hell not going to quit now. You don't have to watch, but I'll be racing for two all the same." "Ilaria….." Alberto finally took a step towards me. But I was emotionally spent. That was the most I've ever raised my voice in my life and it was exhausting.

Without another word I strove back into the kitchen, slamming the door behind me. I still couldn't feel any of my body parts as I walked back up to my bedroom. Its door shut behind me and I stood there with my hands pressed against the wood for two or so seconds. Then with a loud gasp I dashed over to my bed where I collapsed onto it, laying on my stomach with my arms out in front of me. There I cried nonstop for I don't know how many hours.