The Krusty Krab, the spring of 2012...
It was an average day at the Krusty Krab. Spongebob was going above and beyond to be a good employee, cooking patties, moping the floor in record time and slicing himself up into half a dozen tiny Spongebobs to wash the dishes before reassembling himself and taking the now cooked patties and adding buns, salad, onions, cheese, pickles, ketchup, the secret sauce, the whole package. Meanwhile, Squidward was sleeping on the job. As I said, a very average day.
The kitchen door was flung open, startling Squidward from his beauty nap. Out came Spongebob, holding a Krabby Patty on a plate in his right hand and his trusty spatula in his other one.
He exclaimed, "Order up! One perfect patty on a pristine plate in a squeaky-clean Krusty Krab!"
Spongebob then sighed dreamily. "Man, do I love my job."
"That makes one of us." A groggy Squidward deadpanned. How was a guy supposed to get any shut-eye on the job when his coworker felt the need to loudly announce every single thing he did?
"Oh, Squidward. Don't you mean two of us?" Spongebob fiddled with his nose playfully, much to the cephalopod's chagrin.
"Don't feel ashamed. I was a late bloomer too when it came to math." Spongebob whispered to him to make him feel better.
"Spongebob! Squidward! Front and center!" came Mr. Krabs's booming voice.
Spongebob immediately turned around and stood at attention while saluting his superior. Squidward just rolled his eyes and read a magazine.
"Spongebob Squarepants and Squidward Tentacles reporting for duty, my Captain!"
"Speak for yourself, teacher's pet." Squidward muttered, still not dignifying his boss's presence with a glance.
"A model employee as always." Krabs nodded approvingly at the sponge before giving Squidward the stink eye.
"Now listen up, lads. I have a very important announcement to make." Krabs started.
"An announcement!" Spongebob said like a giddy school girl. "An important announcement!"
"Wow, take it easy, Krabs. Don't give the little guy a stroke." Squidward snarked.
"Aye, I do." Krabs nodded. "And it concerns you, Spongebob."
"Me, sir?" Spongebob smiled and his pupils grew in excitement.
"Tis my pleasure t' tell ye that you've just gotten a…."
Cue a close up of Mr. Krabs's mouth moving in slow motion "….promotion."
Now Spongebob did indeed look like he suffered a stroke. "A pro…a pro….a pro….a pro…A PROMOTION!"
"A promotion?" a surprised Squidward finally looked at them, while Spongebob was shaking in place with a goofy grin plastered on his face, too overwhelmed by sheer bliss to say another word.
"Ye heard me right, boyo. Ye've jus' been promoted." Their boss stated before casually grabbing Squidward's hat and putting it on Spongebob's head, next to his own hat.
"From now on, ye be workin' as both th' fry cook and th' cashier at th' Krusty Krab, Spongebob. Ye be on double duty."
"D..d..d-ouble….duty?" Spongebob's eyes rolled back into his head and he fell over into a bliss coma.
"Wait just a darn minute?" Squidward intercut, having a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, and pointed at the unconscious sponge. "If he's working as the cashier, what am I supposed to be doing?"
Krabs waved his claw casually. "Oh, ye don't 'ave t' worry about that, Mr. Squidward. Cause ye're fired."
"Fired?!" Squidward blurted.
"Fired?" Spongebob suddenly came back to life.
"Aye." Krabs was now holding a printing calculator. "I 'ave been doin' some calculatin'. Ye know, crunchin' the ole numbers, and I 'ave realized that if I jus' 'ave Spongebob workin' two jobs fer the same salary, I'll be savin' lots of money." He smiled as he showed his employee and ex-employee the paper roll.
Lucky for Mr. Krabs that labor laws were far more lenient under the sea. Or more likely, the old penny pincher was very sneaky with keeping his unlawful business practices under the radar. Though considering the local authorities in Bikini Bottom were all pinheads, it was not a great feat.
"You can't be serious about this?!" Squidward was outraged. "I need this job!"
"As serious as a shark attack, Mr. Squidward." Krabs shook his head.
"Hey, you got something against me and my family?" asked a nerdy shark customer sitting with his wife and two kids at table 7.
"Ye be what we in the business call a…. what be the right word? An acceptable loss. Dead weight. A redundant asset."
Squidward was absolutely livid. "This is insane! I've worked at this filthy dump for three decades and after all my years of hard work, you're casting me out into the cold just to save a few pennies?! Are you out of your mind!"
Krabs shrugged, clearly not giving a nickel about Squidward's plight. "Tis naught personal, 'tis jus' business."
Then he offered the octopus a can. "Yer canned." Then he pulled a pink dress over him. "Here's yer pink slip." And finally, he gave him an axe. "I'm givin' ye the ax." Squidward could do nothing but stare blankly.
"Wait, Mr. Krabs?!" Spongebob cut in. "We can't just give Squidward the boot?"
"Oh, thanks fer remindin' me, Spongebob." Krabs told him and suddenly held up a smelly fisherman boot to Squidward. "Here, put this on. I can't stand the squeakin'."
Spongebob was sweating and his eyes were darting back and forth. He couldn't let his happen to Squidward? "Wait? There must be some other way to save money, sir? How…how about if Squidward works for free?"
Squidward seethed. "Don't help, you cretin!"
"Good point, I did consider simply not payin' ye two. But apparently 'tis "illegal"…" Mr. Krabs made air quotes, while speaking in a disgusted tone "…and they would shut down me restaurant. Bla bla bla bla.."
Squidward growled. If he was going to go, he wouldn't go like a simpering coward! "Since when has breaking the law ever stopped you, you…..you crooked, unscrupulous, penny-pinching *dolphin chatter*!"
Krabs gasped. "How dare ye talk t' yer superior like this!"
"You're not my boss anymore, Eugene!" Squidward got all up in his face. "And I'm sorry I ever wasted my life working at this miserable excuse for a restaurant and serving the grease-filled gruel that only a total barnacle-head such as yourself would ever call food!"
Krabs was furious. "Why ye! Get out o' me galley, ye worthless drone! Either buy a patty or take a hike!"
"Oh, I'll take a hike." Squidward crossed his tentacles. "But first, I'm going to do something I wanted to do for a long time."
Without warning, Squidward lifted the cash register and smashed it against the floor, spilling the money all across it. Spongebob gasped, while Mr. Krabs screamed.
"Me money!" he dropped to the floor and started scooping it up.
"What 'ave ye done, ye barbarian! All th' innocent, swab doubloons! Don't worry! Daddy's got ye! Daddy's got ye!"
Grumbling, Squidward stormed out of the restaurant, and Spongebob chased after him.
"Squidward, wait!"
"What do you want, Spongebob?!" he snapped at the sponge. "Came to rub it in my face that you stole my job?"
"Squidward, I would never. I didn't mean to steal your job. Please, just let me talk to Mr. Krabs. I'm sure we can work something out?" Spongebob tried to reason with him.
"Work something out?" the octopus snorted. "What part about me being fired flew over your head?"
"Well, I…"
"Can you believe the nerve of that crab?" Squidward lamented as his gaze shifted at the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs was tearfully looking over a hospital bed that held a bandaged-up cash register.
"I've worked myself to the bone for all these years and he just decided to throw me away, like a bag of trash!"
"Well, maybe that had something to do with you always being lazy, sleeping on the job, being rude to the customers and slandering the Krusty Krab's good name at every turn?" Spongebob suggested innocently.
Squidward gave him a frosty glare. "Nope, that's defiantly not it." He insisted with complete conviction.
Suddenly, a few flashlights went off behind him. Squidward turned around to see Squilliam and his usual entourage of snotty toadies holding cameras.
"Hello there, Squiddy. Looking fabulous as usual." The other octopus said sarcastically and pointed at Squidward's dress, eliciting hearty laughter from his friends. Squidward fumed and his face turned red.
"And this, my friends, is why you don't let your mommy dress you up for work." Squilliam quipped as he and his group walked past Squidward and Spongebob, laughing their heads off.
Ranting unintelligibly, Squidward ripped his pink dress off, threw it to the ground and started stomping it.
Spongebob fiddled with his fingers, giving his neighbor a sympathetic look. "Squidward, I'm sorry you had to-"
"Don't you dare pity me, Spongebob!" Squidward barked. "I'll show that snob! I'll show Mr. Krabs! I'll show you!" he pointed at Spongebob, making him flinch.
"This is the last time I'll be playing the fool for anyone!" Squidward proclaimed. "Why, me getting fired from the Krusty Krab was a blessing in disguise! Now that I'm free of the shackles of this dingy fast-food joint, I can finally spread my wings and embrace my true potential! I'll get a new job! A better job! One worthy of my genius! I'll be my own boss! Soon, I'll be-"
One humiliating string of failure later….
Spongebob and Squidward were sitting on the former's couch, with the latter wearing his purple bathrobe and sporting perma stubbles, eyebags and bloodshot eyes. Gary was sitting on the floor next to his owner.
"Don't look so glum, buddy. The road to success will always have a few small bumps." Spongebob said optimistically.
"They repossessed my house." Squidward said in a despondent tone and pointed at Spongebob's porthole window, which showed a small depression where Squidward's Eastern Island head home used to be.
"Oh, yeah…" Spongebob said awkwardly before patting his shoulder. "Well, don't fret. You'll get back on your feet in no time. But until then, you're welcome to stay at my home for as long as you need."
"It's official." Squidward's nose and forehead deflated slightly and he slouched. "I've hit rock bottom."
"Um….maybe some tv will cheer you up?" Spongebob pressed the remote, but the first channel he came across showed Squilliam at the end of one of his many clarinet concerts getting showered by praise and flowers.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the monobrowed octopus bowed to his adoring public. "You're too kind!"
Squidward's head deflated further and plopped to the floor. With his nose dragging across the floor, he walked away from Spongebob and towards the stairs.
"I'm going to bed…" he muttered lifelessly. "Wake me up when I'm dead."
"Poor guy, he's taking this unemployment stuff real hard." Spongebob said to Gary. He couldn't help but feel a tad guilty for "stealing" Squidward's job.
Suddenly, a pink missel crashed through the window, springing Squidward back to life as he jumped in fear and dove for cover behind Spongebob's couch.
"Hey, Spongebob. What's for breakfast?" a familiar tubby starfish asked, leaning against the wall head down and legs up.
"Patrick?!" an enraged Squidward peeked from his hiding spot. "Have you ever heard of a door!"
"Squidward, you're here too?" Patrick grew excited and clapped his hands. "Oh, boy, oh boy! Are we going to have a big breakfast party, Spongebob? Are there going to be pancakes?"
"No, Patrick. We're not having a breakfast party." Spongebob explained and leaned closer to him, whispering. "Squidward is here because he lost his house."
"Oh, what happened? Did he misplace it?" Patrick asked.
"No, you nimrod." Squidward deadpanned. "I lost it because I'm flat broke, ever since that cheapskate Krabs fired me."
Patrick smiled. "Oh, well… congrats then, Squidward! You must be so happy!"
Squidward fumed with tranquil fury. "Do I look happy to you?!"
"Well, yeah? Didn't you always wish to be fired from the Krusty Krab?" Patrick asked, in one of his trademark moments of fleeting lucidity.
"I was being hyperbolic, you imbecile!" Squidward retorted angrily.
"What does "hyperbolic" mean?"
Squidward facepalmed. "It's when you intentionally exaggerate things as a coping mechanism in order to deal with the soul-draining misery of your pathetic everyday existence."
"Huh?"
"He means he was just joking." Spongebob explained helpfully. "Everyone loves working at the Krusty Krab."
Squidward rolled his eyes, when all three heard Spongebob's wristwatch beeping.
"Barnacles, I'll be late for work!" Spongebob looked at his watch before placing two Krusty Krab hats on his head.
"Sorry, boys, I gotta go. I'm afraid you're going to have to make your own breakfast. Take whatever you need from the fridge." Spongebob waved goodbye as he ran through the door.
Squidward glanced at his remaining company and exhaled. "Correction. Now I've officially hit rock bottom."
Patrick pulled Squidward into a bone-crushing, one-armed hug. "Don't worry, Squidward. Being unemployed is the best gig in the world! Just look at me? I never worked a day in my life and I turned out great."
"Is that supposed to comfort me?" Squidward droned.
"Tell you what?" Patrick pocked him in the chest. "How about you spend the day with me and ol' Patrick will teach you all about the joys of unemployment? Or as I like to call it; funemployment!"
Squidward wanted to object but then remembered that he literally had nothing better to do. He was a jobless deadbeat, meaning he was on the same level as Patrick, as depressing as that was.
He sighed dejectedly. "Sure, why not? Not like I have any dignity left to lose?"
"Spongebob, You're Fired", now there's an episode that was literally doing just the bare, bare minimum, if even that. What was the plot of this ratings trap again? Spongebob getting fired? No, that was the catalyst for the plot, but what was the overarching story? There was none. It was just a string of boring, random stuff and it ended with Mr. Krabs predictably rehiring Spongebob because (shock of all shocks), the Krusty Krabs can't function without its fry cook. I know I'm sounding like a broken record with this, but it's clear that there was zero thought put into this, even more so than with the previous episodes that I have accused of the same thing. This one was on autopilot for 22 whole minutes, and none of it made any sense, down to its very catalyst.
So what would happen if Mr. Krabs decided to cut corners by giving someone the boot based on logic instead of plot contrivance that not even a 6-year-old watching this show would buy? It would not look good for Squidward. And naturally, Spongebob couldn't bear to leave his buddy in the lurch. But unfortunately for him, Squidward has a history of not being a very considerate house guest, and Patrick taking him under his wing will surely not help things.
Since this is based on a "special", I decided to split it into several parts. Part two, and three, or however many it will take, will be posted soon enough…. or eventually.