Spongebob woke up early, thanks to his fog horn blowing through his eardrums. Usually, he would have been ecstatic about this daily ritual, but not these days. And as it turned out, it was Sunday. And on Sundays, the Krusty Krab was closed. At least when it was convenient to the plot.
Spongebob thought about going back to bed after getting a glass of milk to calm his nerves, only to scream in horror at the sight that awaited him in the living room, which was completely trashed, with garbage littered everywhere and Squidward, Patrick and Bubble Bass all lying on the floor, passed out, reeking to high heavens and snoring loudly.
His lack of sleep was completely overwritten by Spongebob's inner neat freak, so he put a clothespin on his nose before pulling a grabber and a trash bag out of hammerspace, as dramatic music started playing!
Six hours later, Spongebob's house was almost back to being presentable.
"Ew…this is so gross." Spongebob gagged as he continued picking up the remaining trash from the kitchen floor, while dragging a trash bag the size of the Krusty Krab behind him.
He picked up a filthy, white tent with his grabber. Oh, wait? Those were Bubble Bass's underpants.
"AHHHHHH!" Spongebob screamed frantically and sprayed them with an air freshener before tossing them into the bag.
"I think I'm going to hurl..." He paused and panted exhaustedly before Gary slithered up to him, also having a clothespin clamped over his snout.
"Meow. Meow?" he asked in a nasally voice.
"I'll do it, Gary." Spongebob exhaled. "Just after I clean the house. Squidward doesn't wake up before noon anyway."
"Meow. Meow."
"Wait? He has?"
Spongebob walked into the living room and found Squidward, Patrick and Bubble Bass watching a telenovela. All three were wearing bathrobes, sported five o'clock shadows and reeked, to the point that a swarm of flies was buzzing around them. Underwater flies?
"Oh, Raul! I need to confess something…..the child is yours!"
"What!" Squidward gasped. "Impossible! Diego is Sofia's one true love!"
"Oh, no. She never loved Diego." Bubble Bass pointed out haughtily. "Not the way he deserves to be loved anyway."
"Squidward Quincy Tentacles, we need to have a word!" an angry Spongebob marched up to them. "Right now!"
"Yeah, yeah…just give me a minute." Squidward replied lazily, his eyes still glued to the tv. "I wanna see me my show-"
"No way, lazy bones!" Spongebob grabbed the remote and turned off the tv. "You're not weaseling your way out of it this time!"
"Hey, I was watching that!" Squidward whined petulantly.
"Will you listen to me!" Spongebob snapped and wagged his finger. "I'm starting to think that you aren't actually looking for a job and are just using me!"
"Well, that's a lofty accusation." Bubble Bass noted.
"Whatever gave you that idea, Spongebob?" Patrick shrugged lazily.
"Spongebob, I'm hurt." Squidward put his tentacle to his heart. "I'd never try to take advantage of your immeasurable and easily exploitable generosity. You know I'm just trying to get back on my feet."
"Really now?" Spongebob put his hands on his hips. "And how is throwing a party that lasts all day every single day helping you find employment?"
"It's hard finding a job?" Squidward shrugged. "That's why I'm socializing, building connections and…stuff."
"Yeah, and why do you have to be so pushy?" Patrick asked. "Don't you know how draining it is partying all night? Give the guy some room to breathe."
"Yes, sheesh." Bubble Bass rolled his eyes. "You're starting to remind me of my mother."
Spongebob's vigor started to falter. "Look, I'm just trying to help you get out of your funk? It's been going on for far too long-"
"And you're doing a marvelous job at it." Squidward put his tentacle over his shoulder. "Right now, I need a caring, generous friend like you to give me support while I'm still an emotional wreck, and preferably one who can cook for me, make my bed, do my laundry, provide me with income and give me a roof over my head. These things need time to heal and words cannot express my gratitude for having a friend like you who can offer me all the stuff I need to build myself up again."
"But…eh…" Spongebob stammered. "Maybe partying isn't the best way to build yourself up again? Have you tried doing music?"
He held up Clary. "Huh? Huh? When was the last time you graced our neighborhood with your beautiful melody."
"Pass." Squidward yawned and slouched back into the couch. "I'm not feeling it today."
"But what about painting?" Spongebob held up a canvas and a painting brush. "Or how about sculpturing?" He gestured at a huge block of marble that materialized out of nowhere.
"Nah…" Squidward waved his tentacle lazily and turned on the tv. "Maybe some other time. Now, if you don't mind..."
"Yeah, he just poured out his heart about what a great friend you are." Bubble Bass added snottily. "Don't make him regret putting all his trust into you."
"I'm not the real father, Sofia….it was actually my long-lost twin, Rafael!"
Spongebob slouched and walked away in defeat. In the corner, Gary groaned and rolled his eyes.
Looking like he did after getting fired in the original episode, Spongebob was wandering aimlessly through the sand fields when he stumbled upon a familiar treedome.
There, we see a sign saying "Volunteers Wanted, All You Can Eat!". Sandy was next to it with a clipboard and a pen in her paws, observing and taking notes as three volunteers, all looking like homeless bums, sat at a table with bowls filled with an unknown, orange substance. But the bums were eating it up with spoons anyway, without asking a single question.
"Hello, Sandy…" Spongebob said lethargically.
Sandy spun around and was surprised by what she saw. "Howdy, Spongebob? Ya feelin' alright? Ya look sadder than a catfish trapped in the middle of Death Valley durin' the peak of dry season?"
"Oh, just dealing with some new work conditions and stuff, what are you doing?"
"Ah'm workin' on a new experiment." Sandy leaned in and whispered. "It's a psychological test t' see how much weird gunk folks will eat, as long as it's free."
"Miss Cheeks? Why am I growin' a third arm?" one of them bums asked off-screen.
"And why am I gittin' glowy pimples?" another asked.
"Huh? Seem kind of unethical to me?" Spongebob asked.
"Don't worry, Spongebob." Sandy assured him. "It's all in t' name of science. That gives ya lottsa leeway."
"Anyway, what's buggin' ya? Yur usually as spry as a leapfrog?"
"I'm fine, Sandy, really..."
"No, ya ain't. Ah can see how ya're fallin' apart?"
The skin from the left side of Spongebob's head peeled off and his brain started sliding out but Spongebob caught it and pushed it back in, before putting the skin back in place with some duct tape.
"Well, I guess my life has been kind of hectic these last few months?" Spongebob sighed. "Ever since Mr. Krabs fired Squidward, I had to work as both the fry cook and the cashier, and it's been exhausting. I always thought working at the Krusty Krab was the best thing since the invention of jellyfishing, but I guess there really can be too much of a good thing?"
"Squidward got fired?" Sandy asked, not particularly surprised. She was more surprised that this hadn't happened a lot sooner. As in over a decade ago.
"What's he been doin' these past few months?" Sandy asked before she put two and two together. "Wait? He ain't crashin' at yur place, is he?"
"Yeah, he is." Spongebob admitted. "And he has invited Bubble Bass to live with us, and Patrick is hanging out at my place a lot too, though this isn't anything new. Taking care of them has been a nightmare."
Sandy scowled and put her hands on her hips. "Spongebob, they're all grown adults, they shouldn't need yur assistance t' survive. They oughta take care of themselves. Ya 'ave no obligation t' cater t' a bunch of freeloaders."
"I know." The crestfallen Spongebob glanced down. "I've been trying to get Squidward to find work for months, but he's still so fragile after a string of failure trying to find new work after he was fired and these days, he's still so fragile and down in the dumps, in-between the wild parties and all."
Sandy rolled her eyes, knowing that this was Spongebob's ever-so oblivious way of saying, "Squidward is a shameless moocher and he's exploiting my generous nature for all its worth." She had half a mind to go there and kick Squidward and his freeloader pals out of the pineapple, but it was Spongebob's property, he had to be the one to kick them out.
But she knew she would have an easier time wrangling a great white shark than convincing Spongebob NOT to be generous and helpful. But maybe someone else could be of help? If he could swallow his pride.
"Well, we'll think of somethin', but in thu meantime? C'mon, let's buy ya some pistachio ice cream." Sandy put her arm around Spongebob and led him away. "That always cheers ya up."
We pan towards the table, where we see that the three vagabond fish have transformed into hideous, moaning, amorphous abominations with extra limbs, extra eyes and bioluminescent spots.
The next day, at the Krusty Krab…
Mr. Krabs was doing paperwork in his office when he heard a chorus of complaints from the eating area.
"Argh! Not again!" the old crustacean lamented and stormed out, only to see a huge line waiting in front of an empty counter, many of them crossing their fins, tapping their feet or looking at their watches.
"That's it! I'm never eating here again!" Fred broke out of the line and headed towards the door.
"I'm with you!" Nat agreed and waved his fin dismissively.
"This place is the worst, bro!" Scooter concurred.
Krabs panicked. "No, wait! Come back!" he tried to stop the angry customers from leaving but to no avail.
"Hey, kiddo." He stopped Saddie and her kid. "Wanna buy a Krabby Meal toy?"
He dangled a small slicer Krabby Patty with googly eyes and straws for arms and legs in front of the kid's face. "It will only cost ye two dollars and thirty-five scent."
"As if, you shameless scam artist!" Saddie smacked the cheaply made toy out of his grasp and walked away. "C'mon, Billy, we're going to a restaurant with actual service."
More and more of his customers left, until the eating area was about as empty as a ghost town, complete with a sagebrush passing by Krabs. Now all alone, he fumed and marched towards the kitchen.
"SPONGEBOB!" he slammed the door open. "What's wit' the lollygag-what in the name of the Flying Dutchman!?"
He found Spongebob lying face down on the grill, with steam coming out of his holes.
"What are ye doin', lad!" Krabs hoisted him up, revealing his face to be blackened and burned to a crisp, but Spongebob didn't notice it, as he was soundly asleep and snoring with a slack-jawed expression.
"Spongebob, wake up!" Krabs yelled and shook him but to no avail.
"I said, WAKE UP!" Krabs started slapping him several times but nothing.
Growling, Krabs put Spongebob on a chair and slammed two cymbals repeatedly, then he played a trumpet and finally, held up a sea monkey and pulled on its tail, making it shriek, but none of them managed to wake Spongebob up.
"Oh, for the love of….WAKE UP!" he furiously shook Spongebob again. "That's an order, boy!"
"Looks like ya played yourself."
"What the?" Krabs saw Sandy leaning against the door frame, sporting a smug smirk.
"What are ye doin' here?" Krabs said scathingly. "Didn't ye read the sign!"
"Huh?" Sandy looked at the main entrance and saw a sign saying "NO MAMMALS ALLOWED"
"What in tarnation?" Sandy lamented. "Ain't yur own daughter a stinkin' whale?"
"Yeah, so?" Krabs shrugged. "She has flippers and swims, ergo she's a fish."
Sandy facepalmed. "Never mind thaath! Ya gotta stop doin' this t' poor Spongebob!"
"I'm the captain of this vessel, missy!" Krabs pointed at himself. "And it's Spongebob's duty to be a hard-workin' employee!"
"Yeah, well, the workload ya're pourin' down on 'im has tapped 'im out." Sandy countered.
"Ridiculous! Spongebob's the hardest workin' buccaneer I have ever met!" Krabs adamantly insisted. "He has enough energy to work until the end of times!"
"Nuh-ah!" Sandy shook her head and pulled a chart out of nowhere. She used a pointer to point at the diagram showing the energy levels of Spongebob compared to a regular fish.
"While it may be a scientific fact that Spongebob has ten times thu energy of yur average Bikini Bottomite, allowin' 'im t' work tirelessly fer twenty hours per day, even he has his limits and it would appear that thu new workload that ya 'ave so generously burdened 'im with, coupled with thu burden of takin' care of Squidward, has finally drained 'im."
Krabs seethed. "Utter nonsense! Why should I believe anythin' comin' out of the mouth of a buck-toothed air-breather!"
Sandy rolled her eyes and just gestured at the empty eating area. "Ain't that enough proof fer ya?"
Krabs pursed his lips. "What do ye expect me t' do? I already advised that silly boy t' dispose of that shiftless freeloader, but he wouldn't listen."
"This is Spongebob yur talkin' about, ya numbskull!" an annoyed Sandy told him. "Askin' 'im not t' help a person in need is like askin' a fish not t' swim, or a squirrel not t' hoard nuts. But maybe ya could help 'im by splitin' the work around here with another employee. Like a certain octopus?"
"No way!" Krabs huffed and crossed his arms as he turned away from her. "That worthless layabout had it comin' fer a long time, and I fired 'im to save money."
"Yeah, and how is that workin' out fer ya?" Sandy deadpanned before holding up a stack of letters. "By the by, when was the last time ya checked yur mail?"
"Gimme that!" Krabs snatched them away from her. "Ye plunderin', bushy-tailed bilge rat! Ye don't 'ave permission t' touch me mail! It be Spongebob's duty t' collect it!"
He then realized that said employee was passed out in front of him due to being overworked.
"Lemme see." Krabs glossed through the letters. "Bill? Bill? Bill? Bill? June's issue of "Penny Pincher Monthly"? Bill? Bill? Bill? Bill?"
His face faltered more and more with fear with each letter until he got to the last one.
"WHAT!?" He cried, clutching the final letter. "They will shut down me restaurant if I don't pay up!?"
"Yup. Looks like ya got yourself in quite a pickle." Sandy crossed her arms. "Ah think we both know there is only one way t' fix this here mess of yurs?"
"But that's impossible!" Krabs cried. "Nobody in this town be desperate enough t' work as a cashier at the Krusty Krab!"
"Ah think we know one fella who is." Sandy reminded him. "But ya need t' patch things up with 'im first."
Cue bubble transition….
Mr. Krabs, Spongebob and Sandy arrived at the local park and found Patrick and Bubble Bass throwing toilet paper and rotten eggs at a towering, gold-encrusted statue of Squilliam Fancyson.
"Take that, you conceited elitist!" Bubble Bass yelled triumphantly.
"Yeah! Death to the upper class!" Patrick laughed, despite not really knowing what that phrase meant.
Sandy surveyed the place and spotted who they were looking for. "There he is! Now make things raaght."
Spongebob and Krabs found Squidward graffitiing "KISS MY TUSHY" onto the statue's rear end.
"Squidward?"
"Spongebob, my good friend." Squidward greeted him and climbed down the ladder. "Come on, join the fun! There's enough toilet paper to-"
He stopped upon coming face to face with his former employer.
"Squidward." Krabs said with a steely gaze.
"Eugene." Squidward sneered and folded his tentacles. "Have you come to scam visitors at the park? Cuz you're encroaching on my turf here!"
"No, no. You misunderstand." Spongebob walked between them, trying to mitigate the situation.
He forced a cough and turned to Krabs. "Mr. Krabs?" he started gingerly. "You have something you want to say to Squidward?"
Krabs pursed his lips and looked at Squidward. Spongebob could already see that he was struggling to say it, so he elbowed him to urge him on.
"Um…yeah? Hello, Squidward." Krabs started stiffly. "I've….I've been doin' some thinkin' and….and…"
"Come on, sir, just say it…" Spongebob whispered to him encouragingly.
"Yeah, what's the matter?" Squidward snorted. "Catfish got your tongue?"
Krabs seethed but kept his temper even. He had to do it, there was no other option at this point. His pride and joy, that being his beloved restaurant, was on the line!
"Alright…..I admit it….I….I…I may have made a mistake by firin' ye, Squidward." Krabs finally said it.
"Say what now?" Squidward was surprised.
"Yes, ye heard me." Krabs said curtly. "I shouldn't have fired ye! I learned the hard way that, as hard-workin' of an employee as Spongebob might be…" he gestured at the sponge, who blushed impishly.
"…he can't do ALL the work at me galley. I need at least two employees fer the Krusty Krab to be functionin' properly. I need ye, Squidward."
Squidward's look of surprise morphed into a smug smirk. "You need me?"
"Yes! Me restaurant will go the way of the Titanic if I can't offer good customer service, and I need a capable and experienced cashier fer that." Krabs explained and pointed at him. "Meanin' ye."
"Oh, so you really do need me?" Squidward rubbed his chin. "And you admit that you made a hasty, shortsighted and very bone-headed decision?"
Krabs boiled but had to play along. "Yes, I very much did."
"And you really, REALLY need me?" Squidward was clearly savoring the moment.
"Yes, I really, REALLY need ye. So what do ye say?" Krabs offered a feeble smile. "How 'bout we all jus' forget about this silly little misunderstandin' and ye come back t' work fer me? Same wage, same benefits, jus' like ol'times, Mr. Squidward? What do ye say?"
"Aw, Mr. Krabs? Your story has really touched me." Squidward said with a sympathetic smile. "I never realized how vital I was for the Krusty Krab."
"So ye're comin' back?" Krabs grew hopeful.
"Of course I will, let' shake on it." Squidward offered him his tentacle.
Krabs was about to shake it, when the octopus pulled it back.
"Sykes!" Squidward laughed. "You really think I would ever come back to work for you! Ha!"
Krabs grew worried. "Mr. Squidward?"
"I'd rather live in squalor than be bossed around by a penny-pinching miser like you!"
"But I'll be ruined without ye, Squidward?!" Krabs cried. "Me restaurant be on the verge of bankruptcy!"
"And that's the point!" Squidward laughed cruelly. "Seeing that wretched dump go under will make all my years of thankless labor worth it!"
Spongebob was horrified before chuckling awkwardly. "Squidward, I'm sure you don't mean that? I know you've been through a rough time and all, but-"
"Exactly, Sponge, ol'budy!" Squidward pulled him into a one-armed hug and shook his fist. "I've changed a lot since you fired me, Eugene. I'm no longer the put-upon floor rug you used to step all over and treat like garbage! I'm my own person now!"
"Even if I'm a penniless loser, I have my good friend Spongebob here to rely on!" he pointed at the unnerved sponge. "He won't ever throw me away like chopped liver! I have no reason to be your slave anymore! What do you say to that, Eugene!"
Squidward narrowed his eyes and grew a wicked, rictus grin. "And now, after 30 years of pain and misery, I'm finally going to have the last laugh by watching that accursed restaurant that robbed me of my life burn and die!"
He pointed at Mr. Krabs, making him flinch and sweat with fear, as Squidward started laughing like a deranged maniac.
"Now, as much as I would love to watch you pathetically beg me to come back, I have more productive things to do." Squidward huffed and crossed his tentacles before calling his two buds.
"Hey, guys! It's time for our daily dumpster-diving run!"
"Yay! I'll get to eat trash!" Patrick cheered stupidly.
"Ah, yes. One man's trash is another man's treasure." Bubble Bass concurred.
"Come join us, Spongebob." Squidward invited the horrified sponge. "It's like going to the shopping mall except that everything is for free!"
As he was leaving with Patrick and Bubble Bass, Squidward gave Mr. Krabs one last evil smile.
"Toddles, Krabsy!" he waved back mockingly. "Have fun being destitute!"
The trio all laughed and went on their way, while Krabs could do nothing but watch his only means of salvation walk out on him.
"Well, that was a disaster." Sandy lamented as she walked up to them.
"Oh, no!" Spongebob clutched his head in despair. "What will we do now?!"
"I'm doomed!" Krabs wept and buried his face into his claws. "So doomed."
"No, yur not! It's not over!" Sandy told the two brashly. "Not by a long shot. There's still one way t' fix this stupid mess!"
"What's that, Sandy?" Spongebob inquired.
"It's all up t' ya now, Spongebob." The squirrel turned to him. "Ya gotta do it."
"What?"
"Squidward will never git off his lazy keister and find a job as long as he has no agency."
"What does that mean?"
Sandy jabbed her finger into his spongy chest. "It means that ya got kick 'im out, Spongebob!" she said bluntly. "As long as he has yur roof t' sleep under, he'll never take up Mr. Krabs's offer."
"But, Sandy? I can't kick him out? He's my friend." Spongebob pointed at himself. "It's such a cruel and inconsiderate thing to do and it goes against my good nature."
"Spongebob, ya can either worry about yur "good nature" or ya can save yur boss from bankruptcy." Sandy scowled and pointed at Mr. Krabs, who was sitting on the ground and crying like a baby.
"Plus, without the Krusty Krab, ya won't have a job to help support that freeloader anyway!"
"Oh?" Spongebob realized and fiddled with his fingers.
"So? What's it gonna be, Spongebob?" Sandy asked him bluntly. "Are ya gonna buck up and do what needs to be done, or not?"
Spongebob gulped and bit his lip. He had no other choice. He had to kick Squidward out.
Well, how about that? A story that finally has Spongebob playing the straight man again, something that hasn't really happened since the Hillenburg era? To be honest, I was starting to feel really bad for Spongebob while writing this, but given everything he did to Squidward during the dark age of this show…eh…call it karma finally biting him in the bumper XD
But while he might be the straight man in this story, he's still Spongebob. And Spongebob is going to be soft, both figuratively and metaphorically. Throwing out an ungrateful freeloader would be pretty easy for most people, especially once they inevitably hit their boiling point, but not for Spongebob.
So what's it going to take to get him to kick Squidward's ungrateful tushy out of his house? Even with the ticking clock of Mr. Krabs going bankrupt without his cashier, having Spongebob go against his good nature is going to be a huge hurdle for the latter to overcome XD