"Alright, Spongebob. You gotta do this!" Spongebob braced himself while standing in the kitchen and holding a piece of paper on which he wrote down an elaborate speech trying to tell Squidward, in the gentlest way possible, that he needed to move on and become self-reliant again.
"It's now or never!" he said and took the first step before immediately freezing with fright.
"No, I can't do this." He trembled. "Squidward will be so crushed and I won't be able to bear it!"
"Oh yes, ya will!" a tiny, transparent Sandy appeared, floating in front of him.
"Sandy?"
"Ya need t' do this if ya want t' help Squidward, Mr. Krabs and yourself!" Sandy barked. "Ya gotta tell that six-legged varmint t' take a hike, pronto!"
"But…but that will crush him?" Spongebob feebly argued before getting slapped by the tiny Sandy.
"So what! Ya need t' be cruel t' be kind! Are ya a man or are ya a sponge!"
"I'm… a sponge?" Spongebob answered truthfully before getting slapped even harder.
"No, ya ain't! Ya're a man!" Sandy yelled in a drill sergeant-esque manner. "And a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! Are we clear, buttercup!"
"Yes, sir! Eh…I mean...yes, ma'am!" Spongebob saluted her in a determined tone. "I'm gonna do this right now! Nothing's gonna stop me!"
The tiny Sandy poofed away and Spongebob marched into the living room, where Squidward, Patrick and Bubble Bass were watching tv, as usual. Wearing bathrobes and unshaven, as usual.
"Squidward, we're having a talk!" Spongebob barked. "No buts about it-"
"Hey, Spongebob!" Squidward shoved an antenna into his hand. "Mind holding this? The reception is awful and the game's about to start. It would mean so much to me."
Spongebob immediately deflated and gave in. "Yes, buddy."
He then balanced himself on top of the tv, holding the antenna high up and the signal started working again.
"Alright!" Squidward, Patrick and Bubble Bass cheered.
"Just stay in that exact position, Sponge." Squidward instructed him.
The tiny Sandy appeared in front of Spongebob again, scowling with disappointment.
"Ya disgust me!" she spat.
The next morning, Spongebob was banging on the bathroom door.
"Squidward, open up! We need to talk!" he yelled before the door opened and Bubble Bass stepped out, wearing a shower hat and bathrobe around his waist.
"Sorry, Squidward's away dumpster-diving with Patrick." The fat bass said as we walked away. "Also, I wouldn't go there if I were you."
Spongebob went in to see what Bubble Bass was talking about and then stepped out with a wide-eyed, slack-jawed look of utter horror plastered onto his face.
He pulled out a bottle of bleach and poured it all over his eyes, making them sizzle, turn red and scrunch up as he walked off.
Spongebob eventually tracked down Squidward and Patrick, as they were searching for "buried treasure" at the city dump.
"Hey, Squidward!" Patrick popped out of the trash pile holding a traffic cone.
"Look at the nifty hat!" Patrick put it on his head and giggled impishly. It fitted like a glove.
"Looking good, Pat!" Squidward winked and gave him a thumbs-up before we zoom out to reveal that he had wrapped himself up in some tattered old floor rug.
"Speaking of being stylish? Don't I look fabulous?" Squidward jokingly posed like a fashion model, making Patrick laugh.
"This will make a great winter coat!" Squidward mused when Spongebob arrived.
"There you are!" Spongebob scolded him. "Now look! We really need to talk about you-"
"Oh, Spongebob, mind lending us a hand?" Squidward cut him off as he shoved the folded-up rug into his arms. "We're doing a little shopping."
"Yeah, can you hold this too, buddy." Patrick shoved a broken-down bike into his hands, making his knees shake.
"And this too." Squidward added a cardboard box filled with various stuff.
"And this as well!" Patrick added a dirt-covered mini-fridge.
"And this!" Squidward added a whole-ridden mattress with loose springs.
Cue bubble transition….
Squidward and Patrick walked back into the pineapple, followed by Spongebob, who was barely holding up a huge pile of junk on wobbly knees.
They passed by Bubble Bass, who was watching tv on the armchair and drinking from a soda cup with a straw, when his tummy started rumbling.
"Wow, down girl." He patted his belly and headed for the kitchen, revealing that a flattened Gary had been under his butt all along.
Gary popped back into shape and groaned painfully, "Meeeooow…"
"Hey, guys! Check this out!" Patrick told Squidward and Bubble Bass, as they were sitting at the table with napkins tied around their necks.
Patrick used his tongue to pick his nose, or nose-hole? Which elicited laughter from his companions.
"Awesome trick." Squidward clapped.
"A mark of true ingenuity." Bubble Bass rubbed his chin.
"Tooth me yeaths thu masteth!" Patrick bragged, which his tongue still deep down his right nasal passage.
"Okay, that's it." Spongebob walked in, wearing a maid uniform for some reason, while carrying a plate filled with Krabby Patties under reach hand.
"We have supper, then I give Squidward a piece of my mind!"
But he stepped on an empty root beer bottle that's been left on the floor and cried as he found himself balancing on the rolling bottle.
"Wow-wow!?" He rolled past the oblivious Squidward and Bubble Bass, who were still mesmerized by Patrick's "trick", trying to keep the patties from dropping.
"Ay-ah!" Spongebob passed by them again, now balancing himself on a beach ball.
"Whoah!" Then he came back riding a bicycle.
Then we zoom out to see him still riding the bicycle but on top of two rolling beach balls. "Enjoy your meal!" He managed to slide the two plates safely onto the table before crashing off-screen.
"Hurray!" Squidward, Patrick and Bubble Bass cheered and started greedily wolfing down their supper.
Well, this one wasn't him being a pushover as much as just plain old bad luck.
"Come right here! Hit the mark, win a prize!"
Spongebob found a small crowd forming around a carnival-esque darting booth, orchestrated by Squidward and Connor, both shouting through megaphones and dressed as stereotypical carnie men, complete with vertically-striped vests and matching hats.
Various people were shooting at a dartboard, trying to hit the mark, unaware that Bubble Bass was using a magnet behind the scene to make sure they didn't hit the mark. Whenever a dart was about to hit the mark, it stopped just in front of it, moved a few inches away and then hit the dartboard.
"Aww…better luck next time, sport." Connor told some disappointed kids with faux sympathy, as he snatched their money away.
"Speaking of next time?" Squidward used his cane to move their faces to the next game. "There's your chance!"
He pointed at a water tank (underwater water?), with a small platform above it, meant for a dunking game.
"You can try your luck, as soon as we find a volunteer to be the dunking fool!"
Spongebob gulped, imagining himself being the dunking fool after Squidward talked him into it.
"Nope." He said simply, turned around and ran away.
Cue bubble transition…..
The despondent Spongebob was strolling aimlessly, slouching with his arms hanging limply. He was never going to get Squidward out of his house! He was a doormat! He was too soft! Too spongey!
But then, he passed by the Krusty Krab and found Mr. Krabs boarding it up, while wearing a trench coat and a flat cap.
Krabs sniffed sadly. "Oh, we had a good run. You've been the best vessel this ol' seadog could have asked for."
"Hey, dad? I need three hundred bucks to buy a new pair of totally coral shoes that will be out-of-fashion by the end of the month." Pearl approached him.
Krabs wept. "Oh, Pearl, me girl. I don't have a penny t' spare."
Pearl snapped her head up and groaned exaggeratedly. "Oh, you always have to be such a cheapskate!"
"No, I literally don't 'ave a single penny." Krabs's lip trembled as he pulled out his pockets to reveal nothing but dust particles. "The Krusty Krab be out of business, and soon, ye and me will be callin' the streets our home."
"What?!" Pearl was horrified. "You mean we're gonna be poor?"
Krabs nodded sadly.
"No! I can't be poor! My reputation at school will be ruined!" Pearl sobbed and hugged her father.
"I'm gonna miss me restaurant so much!" Krabs sobbed as well.
Spongebob could do nothing but watch before gaining a determined look and marching back home.
Cue bubble transition…
Spongebob kicked the door to his house open and yelled, "Squidward, we need to have a word!"
"What is it?" Squidward grumbled lazily in his bathrobe while watching tv. There was a Krabby Patty with an extraneous amount of ketchup, mustard and very melty cheese on the table. At the very least, Squidward remembered to put a napkin under it.
He picked up the patty and started munching on it in a very nosy and gross manner, as Spongebob walked up to him.
"Squidward, this has gone on long enough." Spongebob started. "You've been crashing at my place for nearly four months now, how much more time do you need to heel your wounded confidence and be self-sufficient again?"
Squidward burped like a slob and wiped his mouth with the napkin. "I dunno….you can't predict when the emotional turmoil will go away and you'll feel self-assured enough to face the harsh and unforgiving world again, I think I need more time."
Spongebob's face scrunched up as Squidward finished his patty, getting spit and chunks of it all over Spongebob's face.
Spongebob tried to tell him to take a hike, but whenever he was about to say it, he lost his voice.
"Squidward, I think there is a big problem in this house and we need to do something about it!"
Squidward burped again and cleaned his mouth. "Oh, I agree. Patrick clogged up the toilet again, you should probably go and unclog it." he told the sponge while holding up a plunger.
Spongebob smacked it out of his grasp.
"What the heck, man?" the octopus raised an eyebrow. "What's with all the negativity?"
"I'm not talking about the toilet, Squidward!" Spongebob clenched his fists. "I'm talking about something that….that needs to be disposed of!"
"You can dispose of this napkin?" Squidward lazily handed the messy piece of paper over to Spongebob, who recoiled in disgust upon touching it.
"Wait a minute?" Spongebob took a closer look at the sticky, crumpled piece of paper.
He straightened it out and his eyes bulged out in horror, as he realized that this was a signed photo featuring Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and himself, the latter wearing nothing but a mask, gloves and his underpants.
"That was my Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy autograph!?" he shrieked in horror.
"Your what?" Squidward asked, barely focusing on the sponge.
"That was my Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy autograph! They signed it the day I went on patrol with them and saved them from the Dirty Bubble!"
"Oh….huh?" Squidward changed the channel. "Hope that wasn't important to you?"
Gary slithered up to them and saw his owner trembling on the spot, his eyes were quivering, his nostrils were flared, his teeth were clenched and he was making all sorts of strange, bestial noises.
Gary grinned happily. This was it! Surely this would be the straw that broke the camel's back?
"You okay there?" Squidward glanced at Spongebob, as the latter pointed at the picture in his hand.
"You….you…" Spongebob seethed. "You ruined it…" he said in a strained voice.
"Oh, sorry about that." Squidward said lazily. "It was an accident. Hope you're not upset?"
Spongebob looked ready to explode but slowly, his anger started melting away as Squidward's "apology" sank in and he calmed down, much to his pet snail's dismay.
"Eh...sure...sure..." Spongebob said tensely. "You….you didn't mean to…"
Squidward got up, yawned and scratched his butt. "Good, good, I think I need to go to the little boy's room. Mind making my bed, pal?"
"Eh...sure, I can." Spongebob said meekly, his anger completely gone, as Squidward walked past him and he followed him upstairs.
"Meow." Gary sighed. It seemed like it was all up to him….again. The things he did for love.
Discreetly, he slithered upstairs and hid behind a corner, until he heard the toilet flushing. His eyestalks extended and he saw Squidward walking towards him.
Gary cringed in anticipation. It needed to be done.
Spongebob was busy making Squidward's bed when he heard it.
"MEEEEOOOOW!" Gary let out a pain-ridden screech from the hall.
"Gary!" Spongebob cried and rushed into the hall.
He halted and gasped upon seeing a startled Squidward standing on Gary's tail, with the little mollusk squirming and whimpering.
"Ops?" A bashful Squidward lifted his foot and Gary slithered back to his owner.
"Meow." Gary said feebly while looking at Spongebob with teary, puppy dog eyes while his tail was bent out of shape and pulsating.
Clenching his teeth, Spongebob glared at Squidward with unadulterated fury while steam was coming out of his head holes. He growled, clenched his fists and trembled uncontrollably.
"Eh…my bad?" Squidward stepped back sheepishly. "I've got two left feet?"
He chuckled gingerly and lifted one of his legs. "Get it? I literally have two left feet?"
"OUT!" With uncharacteristic strength, Spongebob lifted Squidward, Patrick and Bubble Bass and ran through the hall with them hoisted into the air.
"OUT!" he ran down the stairs with them.
"OUT!" he ran through the living room and finally threw them out, the three slackers landing on their butts on the sandy ground, leaving behind large skid marks, especially Bubble Bass's.
"AND STAY OUT!" Spongebob screamed with a crazed expression and shook his fist before slamming the door shut.
Squidward, Patrick and Bubble Bass were left blinking in silence before a clap of thunder was heard and rain started pouring on them.
"Well….this sucks." Bubble Bass said.
Cue bubble transition….
At long last, things were back to normal at the Krusty Krab.
Spongebob happily watched as Mr. Krabs officially reinstated Squidward as the Krusty Krab's cashier.
"Well, Mr. Squidward, tis good t' 'ave ye back." The crab said good-naturedly.
"Well, it's kinda good to be back, Eugene." Squidward actually smiled back, almost like on some deep, deep, subconscious level, he missed his job. Or he was just having an OOC moment.
"It's all water under the bridge, ol'friend." Krabs chuckled.
"Yup, no hard feelings." Squidward concurred. "Just happy that things are back to normal."
"Yeah…" Spongebob chimed in. "And we sure learned some valuable lessons, right guys?"
"Huh?" Squidward made a face.
Krabs scowled with confusion. "What are ye natterin' 'bout, boy?"
Spongebob blinked. "Well, hasn't this been an enlightening experience for all of us?" he smiled awkwardly.
"You breathe in too many fumes?" Squidward deadpanned.
"Yeah, why would any of this be enlightenin'?" Krabs asked.
"Haven't we grown from this experience? Learned some stuff?" Spongebob tried to remind them and counted on his fingers. "Like not being lazy? Or cutting corners to make a profit? Or taking your employees for granted? Or exploiting your friend's hospitality-"
"Nope, not really?" Krabs shrugged casually.
"Yeah, not really ringing any bells." Squidward shrugged as well.
Spongebob's face dropped. "But…but aren't there any lessons to be taken from this-"
"Nah, you silly boy." Krabs laughed him off. "Get yer square head out of the clouds."
"Yeah, when did you become all sage-like?" Squidward elbowed Krabs's in jest.
"But, sir. I really-"
"Three cheers t' not 'avin' learned a single thing!" Krabs pumped his fist, with Squidward joining in.
"Hip hip!"
"Hurray!" he and Squidward cheered, while Spongebob slouched, his nose dropped and he frowned bitterly.
"Hip hip!"
"Hurray!" Krabs and Squidward cheered again, while Spongebob's face turned even soggier.
We cut to the outside of the Krusty Krab.
"Hip hip!"
"Ah, tartar sauce!" Spongebob lamented.
There you have it, my take on "Spongebob, You're Fired". If nothing else, I think I gave a pretty decent (and comically exaggerated) reason for why the status quo remaining stagnant at the Krusty Krab is a GOOD thing and I hope I made the ride towards that pretty obvious conclusion worthwhile and entertaining. To put it simply, getting rid of Squidward would cause Spongebob unimaginable misery (as already explored in "Can You Spare a Dime?"), and having Spongebob do all the work at the Krusty Krab for months would eventually drain him out, on top of having to take care of Squidward, to the point that Krabs would be driven to bankruptcy. No Squidward, no Krusty Krab. See, it's all a delicate balancing act, and disrupting it in any way has severe consequences XD
Now, I realize that both Squidward and Mr. Krabs are, to put it mildly, colossal jerks to Spongebob in this and don't learn jack, but…..the same is true for "Can You Spare a Dime?", and everyone considers that episode a classic. This story has several obvious callbacks to it, making it more or less a sequel to it, or at least a homage. Plus, it wouldn't be a true and honest "status quo is God" ending without the characters learning nothing from their experience and even acknowledging that they learned squat.
One reason why it took me so long to finish the story was that I was stuck trying to think up a good reason for why Squidward would give up his life of luxury as Spongebob's freeloading house guest in exchange for his miserable, soul-draining job as the Krusty Krab cashier. Then I realized that there was no in-character way of doing that, so I needed Spongebob to be pushed too far and kick Squidward out, necessitating for him to get a job. After some pondering, I eventually decided that the most logical way for Squidward to finally push Spongebob, a living well of kindness and forgiveness, over the edge, was for him to accidentally hurt Gary.
Much like with the Flying Dutchman, I struggled to find a way to integrate Bubble Bass organically into one of my stories (sans a cameo in "Sponge Cano"), until I finally found a place for him in this one. Ironically, this one story wound up being too big to just be one or two chapters in "A Dash of Logic", so it spun off into its own fic. I also brought back the conman fish from "Chocolate with Nuts" and elaborate what a shady guy he really is. I gave him a name here and it's pretty obvious why I choose "Connor" for him. And I didn't get the chance to have his full name be dropped, so just so you know, it's Connor Hucksley XD
This story also addressed one commonality between Patrick and Squidward that I don't think the show ever acknowledged; they are both really lazy and love slacking off. Hence that's the reason why they end up bonding after Squidward loses his job and starts falling under Patrick's influence, becoming not just a shiftless layabout (he was pretty much that already) but also a tactless, filthy slob to boot XD And this is also another example of Squidward falling down to Patrick and Spongebob's level, as well as him and Spongebob doing a little role reversing, something that's barely been seen since the Hillenburg era.