The Krusty Krab, the summer of 2006…

Leave it to Spongebob to take "vacation" as "come back to work the next day". And once it was explained to him what "vacation" actually meant, he responded exactly how you would expect Spongebob Squarepants to respond to being effectively banned from his workplace.

"No work?!" the sponge gasped. "But what'll I do all day?"

"Oh, I dunno. Jus' go 'ave fun or whatever. I really don't care. Ye just can't be here." An irate Mr. Krabs told him.

"But Mr. Krabs?" Spongebob's lips trembled and he gave his boss the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes imaginable.

"Don't ye "But Mr. Krabs" me, boyo!" Krabs pointed at him angrily. "I'm not gonna pay a fee 'cause ye don't know how t' enjoy yourself! SQUIDWARD!" he snapped his pinchers. "Show the lad the way out!"

"With pleasure." Squidward flashed a big, gleeful smile as he placed the devastated Spongebob onto a box carrier and wheeled him out.

"But who will fry the patties and clean the grill while I'm gone?!" Spongebob pleaded.

"Don't worry." Krabs halfheartedly assured him. "I found a replacement for ye. Real cheap too."

"Replacement?" Spongebob said meekly before being tossed into the street, faceplanting on the concrete.

Squidward looked down to admire the dividing line between the green floorboards and the grey street, before glancing at Spongebob lying on the other side, sucking face with the asphalt.

"I'll try not to enjoy this too much." He told himself before giggling like an excited child. "Oh, to heck with it! I will!" he slapped his knee. "Hurray! No Spongebob!"

Spongebob was either too upset to hear what his "friend" was saying about him or he conveniently blocked it from his mind, because Spongebob getting mad at Squidward is a big no-no in the post-Hillenburg era.

Squidward touched his hat, for once appreciating it. "I'm inside the Krusty Krab as an employee, and Spongebob's outside the Krusty Krabs and he won't be employed for…."

"Hey, Mr. Krabs!" he called to his boss. "How long will Spongebob's vacation last?"

"At least three months!"

"Three months!?" Spongebob finally looked up, horrified, while Squidward sported the same happy face he did when Sandy informed everyone about Spongebob's disappearance in "Pre-Hibernation Week".

"Well, so long, Spongebob! Enjoy your vacation." He waved at Spongebob with a hanky. "See you in three months!" Laughing like a madman, the ecstatic cephalopod slammed the door shut, leaving Spongebob lying on the street, agape.

Cue bubble transition…..

With his whole head slouching and his arms dragging across the ground, a despondent Spongebob made his way back home. He slumped into his armchair, arms spread out, as limp as linguini, and his head deflated like an inflatable float that had just been stabbed by a knife. That could aptly describe the way Spongebob's heart felt right now.

Sensing his owner's distress, Gary slithered up to him. "Meow? Meow?"

"Yes, Gary. I know now what "vacation" means." the saggy, malformed Spongebob said lethargically, now also sporting huge eye bags.

"Meow? Meow?"

"I dunno, Gary. What can I do?" Spongebob sniffed and shrugged. "Flipping patties is my passion, it's what I get up every morning to do. If I can't work at the Krusty Krab, what can I do? I can't go back there, otherwise, Mr. Krabs will get in trouble with the Fry Cook Union."

His arms hit the floor again. "Maybe I should just sit here and fester away?"

Gary rolled his eyes. "Meow? Meow? Meow?"

"Hobbies?" Spongebob glanced at him. "I dunno, Gare-bear. Do I even have hobbies?"

Gary rolled his eyes again. His owner had the memory of a goldfish. He slithered away but then came back with a scroll in his mouth.

"What's that?" Spongebob turned back into his regular form, took it and read "MY FAVORITE PASTIMES" written at the very top.

The scroll rolled out and hit the door….of Spongebob's fridge. The sponge's frown turned into a smile.

"Huh? Guess I do have hobbies."

Cue montage accompanied by the Break-Thru score from "Can You Spare A Dime"….

We see Spongebob, wearing glasses, happily chasing after a swarm of jellyfish at Jellyfish Field. He comes back to his scoreboard with a jellyfish in his net, and crosses of his 54th catch for the day.

Then we see him in his swimming trunks and wearing sunglasses sunbathing at Goo Lagoon. He's already sporting a great tan. Now completely brown except for the yellow mask around his eyes, Spongebob takes a gigantic ice cream cone from a vendor and starts elaborately licking it with his giant tongue.

Next we see him atop his pineapple home blowing a gigantic bubble in the shape of himself to go along with the other giant bubbles shaped like Squidward, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Sandy and Gary. Gary takes a photo of them, somehow holding and operating a camera with his mouth alone.

Spongebob helps his Granny cross the street while carrying her groceries, then we cut to an enthralled Spongebob sitting on her lap and listening attentively as she reads him a story. Keep in mind that he's almost 30 now. Next we see him driving a boat while sporting an oblivious smile as he runs into random pedestrians and tosses them into the air. Next to him, in the passenger seat, is his unfortunate boating instructor, Mrs. Puff, wearing a crash helmet and justifiably screaming in fear.

Wearing his red gloves and protective helmet, Spongebob tries to ambush a seemingly oblivious Sandy, but she instantly blocks his blow, now yielding her own, green gloves, and they start fighting before the squirrel strikes him multiple times at lightning speed. At first, it seems the attacks were ineffective and Spongebob grows a cocky smile before promptly falling apart into a hundred tiny cubes.

Then we see Sandy sandboarding in the sand mountains, followed by Spongebob, but instead of a sandboard, he is sliding on his tongue, while once more wearing his karate helmet. We then cut to the two of them back at Goo Lagoon, playing volleyball with Larry and some other beachgoers.

Then we see Spongebob walking Gary through the park on a cat harness. He passes by Fred walking his worm on a leash and the two wave at one another but Gary and the worm stop and growl at each other before attacking the other and forming a huge fight cloud as their owners try to pull them out of it. Need we forget, snails and worms are the cats and dogs of the sea respectively.

Next we see Spongebob on stage at a comedy club, making all the patrons split their sides with his impressions, which include morphing into other people, but mostly from his impression of Squidward. He later puts on a show at Shady Shoals for all its elderly residents, playing the part of Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Man Ray, by rapidly changing between costumes and roles. Sitting at the front, Mermaid Man is cheering, clapping and rocking in his seat, while Barnacle Boy looks on with a sour glare and crossed arms, likely because his role in the play is not very glamorous.

Back at Jellyfish Field, Spongebob milks a jellyfish and then brings the newest jar of jelly to his already enormous stack of jellyfish jelly jars, wondering what to do with them? Next, he climbs atop of a rock in the field and blows a whistle, which attracts Mystery and Spongebob pets her snout affectionately. You didn't think he said goodbye to her for good just because he couldn't bring her to work? We cut to Spongebob laughing and waving his arms as he rides Mystery, who somehow makes galloping noises despite not having hooves.

A tired and miserable Squidward opens his door, jumps on his bike and puts on his Krusty Krab hat. Just then, Spongebob and Sandy stroll by him, both carrying a picnic basket, greeting him with a friendly wave.

The octopus seethes, clenches his teeth and glares at them enviously.

End of the montage…..

Back at the Krusty Krab, things weren't that chipper. The restaurant was filled with complaints from dissatisfied customers.

"Why is my patty burned?!" Harold lamented as he held his scorched and blackened burger.

"Why does this taste like grease oil?" Nat gagged while holding his coke.

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" Tom scowled as he lifted the top bun to reveal a floorboard in the place of the patty.

"Why does my patty taste like a fried boot, bra?" a crestfallen Scooter asked with a full mouth while holding an actual fried boot with a chunk missing from it.

And those were the lucky few that actually received their orders after a lengthy period of waiting.

The angry customers were piling up at the cash register, but as usual, Squidward was barely fazed by it.

"What's the hold-up!" Sadie yelled.

"You call this food!" Harold lamented while holding his burned patty.

"We want our money back!" Nat shook his fist.

"Folks…" the octopus groaned apathetically "…I'm not the one making the food, go whine about it to the cook." He pointed back at the kitchen. He honestly did get the complaints. What was the big difference between the usual garbage they were served and the garbage made by Spongebob's substitute?

"Mr. Squidward!" an enraged Mr. Krabs barged out of his office. "What the halibut is goin' on in here?!"

"Seems these nimrods aren't satisfied with their dining experience?" Squidward casually pointed at the angry mob in front of him. "And they want refunds."

"Refunds?!" Krabs was taken aback, almost suffering a heart attack before angrily marching up to the cashier. "Squidward! Don't ye ever use such foul language in me vicinity again, ye hear me!"

"Hey, don't take it out on me!" Squidward shot back irritably. "I'm not the one preparing the blasted food!"

"What's the meanin' of this, boy!" Krabs stormed into the kitchen but then had a wild take reaction, akin to the one from "My Pretty Seahorse", upon seeing the grill being on fire! Krabs quickly grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the flames.

"Where be that salmon-colored simpleton!" Krabs growled and looked around before spotting his substitute fry cook sitting in a corner, his back turned on him.

"Patrick! I told ye, NO BREAKS!" Krabs roared as he marched up to him, grabbed him by his cone-shaped cranium, and turned him around.

"Oh, hey there, Mr. Krabs?" Patrick greeted him. He was wearing Spongebob's hat, which was too small for him and had to be forced onto his head.

"What are ye doin' there! What's with t' hold-up?" Krabs asked flippantly. "What are ye servin' me customers? They be leavin' in boatloads!" he gestured towards the main eating area, where customers were literally leaving in rowboats.

Patrick, naturally, didn't process much past the first question. "Oh, sorry." He smiled innocently. "I was just too enthralled by this spectacle?" he pointed at the wall, where a drop of moist was slowly dripping towards the floor.

It didn't take long for Patrick to get distracted again as he crouched down to observe it. "Come on, come on, buddy! You can make it! I believe in you!"

"Grrrr…" Krabs clenched his claws before pointing at the grill. "Enough of this tomfoolery! I command ye t' get back t' yer post 'n cook up some patties!"

"Oh, that?" Patrick remembered. "Sorry, but I'm fresh out of patties."

"What?" Krabs asked incredulously. "Impossible! We had a new shipment of patties two days ago!"

"Oh?" Patrick scratched his head and smiled stupidly. "I guess those customers over there have huge appetites?"

Krabs looked in the direction the starfish was pointing and saw a pack of sea urchins dragging patties into a small crevice in the wall, while laughing like gremlins.

"Urchins?!" Krabs screamed and grabbed a broom. "Shoo! Get out of here, ye filthy vermin!" He tried to flatten them, but the urchins just scattered and many escaped into the eating area.

The remaining customers all screamed, with the female fish jumping on the tables and clutching their skirts, as the urchins scurried along the floor, causing all the customers to run away.

"No! Wait! Come back!" Krabs cried as he rushed to the main entrance, but to no avail.

"Your business sure is booming." Squidward deadpanned as he appeared next to him.

Krabs glowered at him. "Don't ye sass off to yer superior!" he barked. "I don't pay ye to be sassy!"

"Whatever." Squidward shrugged before pointing over his shoulder. "But the new fry cook ain't exactly boosting your profit."

Patrick was standing next to the cash register and sucking on his spatula like it was a lollipop.

Steaming with rage, Krabs pursed his lips. Ha hated to admit it when Squidward was right. "Well, what were ye expectin' me t' do?! Higher an actual fry cook and spend money on 'im?!" he lamented at the cashier.

"What? No, that would be plain insane." Squidward rolled his eyes, oozing with sarcasm.

"Hey, Squidward? Look at this cool pebble?" Patrick walked up to him, holding a ruby-colored pebble.

"Wow, she's a real beauty." Squidward humored him.

Patrick then looked at his boss and gave him a sly look. "You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Krabs, I'll give you that. But a pebble an hour? Now that was an offer I couldn't resist."

"I humbly bow to you. You are a corporate mastermind, sir." Squidward nodded snidely, enjoying his boss's misfortune a little too much.

Krabs clutched his head in despair. "I gotta get Spongebob back!"

Cue another bubble transition…..

Looking for Spongebob, Krabs wound up at Sandy's treedome and was surprised to find a small space shuttle next to it. Actually, given whose home this was, it wasn't that surprising. Krabs never did trust those fuzzy landlubbers and their unholy, high-tech technology.

And there he found Sandy, wearing her usual suit, and Spongebob, wearing his spacesuit from "Sandy's Rocket". They threw in some traveling bags into the luggage compartment and Sandy dusted her gloved paws.

"That's all thu essentials we'll need." She smiled. "Ah sure am glad that ya could tag along, Spongebob. It would 'ave been awfully lonesome up there."

"It's nothing, Sandy. A trip to the moon is just the thing to spice up your vacation." Spongebob smiled back. "Boy, I never could have imagined that not working 12 hours at the Krusty Krabs for 365 days a year could be so much time!" How he found the time to go on all those misadventures that didn't involve the Krusty Krabs remains a mystery.

"Spongebob!" Krabs ran up to them. "There you are, lad!"

"Howdy, Mr. Krabs." Sandy greeted him, but the crab sent her a surly look.

"I wasn't talkin' to ye, mammal." He said curtly, making her glower.

"Hey, Mr. Krabs? How's it going?" Spongebob greeted him and shot him two finger guns. "I trust everything's running smoothly at home base? Don't worry about me, I'm having a blast with my vacation!"

"Why are ye wearin' a spacesuit, Spongebob?" a befuddled Krabs asked him. "What's with that flyin' sorcerer?"

"Glad ya asked." Sandy smirked proudly. "Y'see, Tree Dome Enterprises Limited is experimentin' with thu idea of stellar timeshare rentals, and as one of their top scientists, my bosses 'ave kindly asked me to test out their first-ever condo on the moon. And since Spongebob was conveniently on vacation, ah thought ah should share this experience with maah best friend." She placed her paw on Spongebob's shoulder.

"How could I possibly say "no"? This is so exciting!" Spongebob exclaimed and held up a familiar net-gun. "I can't wait to go alien hunting!"

Sandy sent him a scolding glare, making him blush sheepishly and hide the gun behind his back. "Or collecting moon rocks, that works too."

"You're goin' to the moon?!" Krabs panicked. "For how long?!"

"No clue?" Sandy shrugged. "Neither of us is in any rush, so it might take a while."

"You're right, Sandy." Spongebob agreed before elbowing the sweaty Krabs. "This is sure to be one stellar vacation. Get it?" he chuckled at his own joke.

"No! No! You can't go!" Krabs cried. "You'll bankrupt me!"

"What now?" Spongebob looked confused.

"Spongebob…" Krabs started nervously. "…I need ye back at the Krusty Krabs, right now!"

Sandy looked at him scrutinizingly. "Ah thought Spongebob was due a three-month vacation?"

"Yeah, and it's only been a week?" Spongebob added.

"A week is enough, boy!" Krabs insisted. "C'mon, don't ye miss workin' as me fry cook?"

"Well, now that you mention it?" Spongebob pondered. "I sorta do?"

Sandy rolled her eyes. "Lemme guess? Ya'll were too cheap to hire a real fry cook in Spongebob's place, and you instead hired Patrick or something? Ah'm I close?"

Krabs was sweating bullets again. That blasted mammal had caught him red-handed. How could those under-evolved landlubbers be so wiley and observant?

"What? No! That's ridiculous! I…eh…"

"Well that's a pity, but the way ah understand it, Spongebob is legally obliged not to work at yar place for at least three months, or the Fry Cook Union will have ya tarred and feathered." Sandy folded her arms. "Or are ya really that hopeless without Spongebob there?"

Krabs scowled. "Of course not! Spongebob be only one-third of the Krusty Krab crew! I be the manager and a fine one at that! And Squidward makes for a goo….eh….servica…..eh….passable….barely-functional cashier! As for Spongebob….he..." He lost his voice as his glance trailed back to the sponge.

"Oh, who am I kiddin'!" Krabs cried in defeat and dropped to his knees. "Please come back, lad! I need you! The Krusty Krab be nothin' without you! You're the life-blood that keeps me galley afloat!" he begged Spongebob.

Sandy shook her head. "Y'know, Mr. Krabs? We land-critters have a sayin' for this? It's called "not puttin' all yur eggs in one basket"."

"What the devil is that supposed to mean?" Krabs asked her. The squirrel rolled her eyes.

"It means it's a mighty foolish thaang to do, to run a business that hinges on one employee to keep it runnin'."

Krabs seethed. "I didn't come here for lectures! I need Spongebob back!"

"It's okay, Sandy." Spongebob gave in. "If Mr. Krabs really needs me, I can't let the Krusty Krabs down."

"But yur vacation?"

"It's alright." Spongebob tried to remain positive. "We'll just tell them I was on vacation for three months. I'm sure a tiny-wincy white lie can't hurt." He told her, clearly not buying his own rationale.

"Yes, yes." Krabs nodded eagerly and stood up. "You're a model employee, boyo!"

Sandy narrowed her eyes and folded her arms. "Fine, you boys do as you please, but ah'm afraid ah'm gonna 'ave to contact the Fry Cook Union."

"What?" Krabs paled.

"But Sandy?" Spongebob tried to argue.

"Sorry, buddy. But ah can't let that corporate goon there do ya dirty like this." Sandy told him sympathetically. "Plus, as a good samaritan, ah feel obliged to tell the good folk about that hornswaggler breakin' thu law."

Krabs growled. "Why ye little…." But he knew he had no power over her.

"But Sandy? If I leave, the Krusty Krab will go bankrupt?" Spongebob argued desperately.

"Ah thought yur boss was some kind of corporate wiz?" Sandy countered. "Ah'm sure he can figure somethin' out."

Krabs knew Sandy wouldn't budge. That blasted girl! She was so stubborn, he almost admired her for it.

"What am I supposed to do?!" he asked incredulously. "I can't run me galley without a fry cook!"

A lightbulb went over Spongebob's head. "Wait, Mr. Krabs! I have an idea!" he smiled brightly. "How about you be the fry cook while I'm away? I'm sure you can do that."

"Me?" Krabs pointed at himself. "But…I 'aven't been behind the grill in eons?"

"Once ya break a buckin' bronco, ya never forget how to ride it." Sandy shrugged.

Krabs looked at Spongebob for backup, but the sponge remained silent, seeming to agree with Sandy instead.

"Ugh…..alright, fine…" Krabs gave in.

Dear Neptune, what did he get himself into?

Cue a third bubble transition….

Rocky-style music started playing as Krabs spent all night at his anchor home relearning those old fry cook skills from his youth.

Wearing a sweatband and an apron, he was frying patties, burning many of them during his early tries, making fries in bubbling oil, also burning many of them early on, filling up coke holders and measuring them with a ruler to make sure he didn't put too much or too little, trying again and again to mentally catalog every ingredient on a Krabby Patty; salad, onions, pickles, cheese, mustard, ketchup, etc., as he was making them, glossing over something multiple times and writing notes each time, and lifting barrels of pickles like dumbbells.

By 3 a.m., a tired and disheveled Krabs, covered in condiment stains and sporting bloodshot and crooked eyestalks finally succeed at making a perfect Krabby Patty and added the finishing touch, the top bun.

"I did it…I did it…I still got it…" he laughed weakly in a wheezy, tired voice, when the music abruptly stopped.

He looked over to the boom box and saw his whale daughter standing over it in her nightgown.

"Dad, enough with the 80s music!" Pearl whined. "You're embarrassing me again!"

Cue a fourth bubble transition….

Business was picking up at the Krusty Krab once more. For once, Squidward looked genuinely happy.

"One Krabby Patty and diet coke." He peaked through the kitchen window, where his boss, once more wearing an apron, along with a Krusty Krab hat, was busy flipping patties. Needless to say, he looked utterly miserable. Pinned to the wall over the grill was a photo showing Spongebob and Sandy floating in front of a stock image of the real-life moon's surface. It had "Greeting from the Moon!" written at the bottom corner.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard ye." Krabs grumbled before making eye contact with the cashier. "Why are ye so happy now anyway?"

"You need to ask?" Squidward laughed. "I am rid of Spongebob for three months and I don't have to put up with the next worst thing, Patrick, either. Now that's what I call a paid vacation."

Squidward honked with laughter from his own perceived comedic brilliance.

Seeing his stingy boss being forced to endure the same backbreaking grunt work as him was also a nice bonus, but Squidward knew better than to say it out loud, as Krabs would surely remember that once Spongebob returned.

A small copepod appeared on Squidward's head and blinded Krabs with a flashlight.

"Plankton!" Krabs growled. "Yur only get the formula if ye pry it-"

"Oh, chill out, Krabs." Plankton laughed him off while holding a camera. "I just dropped by to see if rumors were true and if so, take a photo to commemorate it…. and so I can laugh my butt off for years to come!"

Krabs gritted his teeth as Plankton shared a sadistic smile with Squidward and jumped off. "Keep up the good work, Burger Boy!" Krabs heard his arch-nemesis shout before closing the door. The sound of a steaming pot was heard as Krabs was on the verge of exploding. Literally, as his eyestalks shrank, grew in width and turned red. Squidward covered his mouth, barely keeping himself from sniggering.

"Ye just keep takin' those orders, we have a full house!" a somewhat calmer Krabs grunted at Squidward. "Now get t' it! Or I'll make ye sweep the poop deck!"

His smile faltering a bit, Squidward went back to his post, while Krabs looked at the calendar. Just two months and one week left, he could do it. He could make it through. He was Eugene "Armor-Abs" Krabs after all.

He continued making patties when he heard a familiar "ring" from the cash register. That made him relax a bit and he grew a small smile.

"Well….ain't too bad."

Pew….didn't think I'd end up rewriting the entire episode. "Bummer Vacation" holds a special place in my heart. By which I mean that words cannot describe how much I detest this episode. I can't believe people are actually praising it as a highlight of season 4? This is one of the season's biggest low points. This episode is incredibly frustrating, it's like "Waiting" but stretched out to 11 minutes and with a pinch of "Squid's Visit" added for good measures. Spongebob's character is just utterly ruined here. Much like "Good Neighbors", this episode strips him down to one base trait and then flanderizes it something fierce. Yes, he loves his job, but here, he's obsessed with it to the point that he loses his mind if he can't work there for even a day.

And apparently, Spongebob has no life outside of his job at the Krusty Krab? And apparently, Patrick can muster up enough cognitive power to be a competent fry cook and not allow the Krusty Krab to go bankrupt within a day? Really, it feels like this episode was written by someone who only had a passing familiarity with the show. I really don't get how any Spongebob fan could look at this dreck and give it a thumbs up, or at least not call it a massive guilty pleasure, because it gets so many fundamental things wrong. Again, this is one episode I distinctly remember from my youth that just made me feel sick, it made me feel violated.

And that's not the only reason I hate this episode. I also consider it the starting point of the dark age of Spongebob; the age of flanderazation, mean-spiritness and gross-out humor, lasting all the way until the end of season 8. Season 4 has a lot of good episodes, I liked most of the ones from the first two-thirds of the season, barring some stinkers like "All That Glitters" and, of course, "Good Neighbors". But things really start falling apart in the last third and this is very much the episode that starts the downfall.

So yeah, there is a lot fundamentally wrong with this episode and it ushered in the dark age of Spongebob. If there was a reward for the most loathsome Spongebob episode, I'd give it to this one. It's far from a "One Coarse Meal" or "Demolition Doofus" in terms of sheer awfulness, but it sure carries the most baggage. So I guess it was inevitable that I would end up completely rewriting one of the most illogical episodes in the series.