Bikini Gulch, the summer of 1882...
"Howdy do, y'all?" the sponge greeted everyone at the Krusty Kantina with the dopiest smile imaginable. The patrons all wisely looked away from him a second later.
Hopalong Tentacles already knew he hated this stranger.
"Great, another hayseed." He deadpanned to his boss, who in return told him to charge this obviously braindead moron double for his drink.
The stranger seated himself at the counter, merrily chatting up a burly patron, asking him if the seat was taken, with the latter's sarcastic response flying over the nimrod's head. Hopalong knew that he would need to save a big bottle of whiskey for himself after working hours.
"What can ah get ya, stranger?" the mustached octopus asked monotonously.
"Gimme a shot….. of milk." the sponge told him with complete seriousness.
"Milk?" Hopalong cocked an eyebrow, not even dignifying this stupidity with a witty response.
"Yup! Two percent." The sponge replied while holding up two fingers, before resuming his perky, infantile demeanor. "Ah drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums! Milk is packed with vitamins, y'know? Ma always said "A glass of milk a day keeps osteoporosis away"!" he finished his life lesson with an annoying laugh.
"Right…." The bartender droned "…eh….just give me a second."
Hopalong grabbed an empty glass and walked out of the bar through the back door and into a sea cow-pen, before kneeling down in front of a grazing sea cow and started milking her.
"Ahoy there, stranger." The owner of the bar approached the sponge. "What brings ye t' Bikini Gulch, if I may inquire?"
"The name's Spongebuck Squarepants. Ah jus' hopped off the train station. Ah came t' the big city t' find maah fortune." the sponge introduced himself.
The crab immediately grew dollar signs in his eyes and pulled Spongebuck closer in a one-armed hug. He knew a greenhorn when he saw one!
"The name's Krabs. William H. Krabs. Proud proprietary of the Krusty Kantina."
"Really?" Spongebuck beamed excitedly. "Yur jus' the gentleman ah've bin lookin' for! Y'see-"
"Now, what was it ye were sayin' about findin' yur fortune out here, laddie?" Krabs asked the naïve youngster overeagerly, sweating profusely.
"Here's your milk." Hopalong arrived with a glass of milk, as deadpan as ever. "Think you can handle it?"
Krabs shushed him before turning back to the sponge. "So I wager ye've staked a claim in this county? A claim that be filled t' the brim with gold! In that case, I'm sure ye need a guide t' lead ye through this rugged and dangerous terrain. Or better yet, a partner! A partner ye would want to split the profits with 50/50?"
"A partner ye can trust with all yur loot, and who would never, EVER, not in a million years betray ye and steal all the gold fer himself. Ye really need to watch out fer such cutthroats and swindlers out here." Krabs assured him while reaching out behind Spongebuck's back with his other claw and stealing his wallet.
Spongebuck let out a hearty laugh, before clarifying. "Oh, no. Ya misunderstand, sir. Ah'm not one of dem folks with gold fever. Ah'm jus' a simple sponge who came t' Bikini Gulch t' make an honest livin'. As a matter of fact, ah got nuthin' on me but th' clothes on maah back and lottsa unbridled enthusiasm!"
"What!" Krabs was outraged and lifted the stolen wallet up. He shook it but all that came out of it were a few dust particles and two moths. Krabs pouted like a kid who just found out that his piñata was filled with vegetables.
"Speakin' of which!" Spongebuck held up a job flyer that said: "Sheriff Wanted". "That's why ah came here t' yur fine establishment!"
"Ye want to be the sheriff?" Krabs asked in disbelief.
"Ah'll inform the undertaker." Hopalong rolled his eyes and walked away.
"No, silly." Spongebob laughed and pointed at a small ad at the bottom left corner. "Ah'm here fer the fry cook job." The ad made sure to point out the low pay and lack of any benefits.
"Eh….sure. Why not?" Krabs shrugged and pinned a nametag on Spongebuck's shirt. "Welcome t' the Krusty Crew."
"Eeeee! Ah can't believe this is happenin'!" the blushing sponge said giddily, holding his hands below his mouth.
"Jus' don't get too ambitious, boy." Krabs lectured him. "Ye should know, tis customary here in the "big city" t'….eh…not get paid for th' first five years on the job. Ye gotta earn yer keep, got it!"
"Of course, sir. Ah wouldn't want t' disrespect yur culture!" Spongebob tipped his hat in respect.
"Krabs! Come and face me like a man!" a deep, booming voice shouted from the other side of the saloon.
"Ah, it be that time already?" Krabs smiled and looked at his pocket watch.
Confused, Spongebuck looked at the batwing door but saw no one. Until he glanced down and saw a tiny copepod with a top hat and curly mustache standing below it.
"Yes, it's me, fools!" the pipsqueak pointed at himself brashly. "Dead Eye Plankton! The most feared and most ruthless outlaw in the West!" We zoom out to see all the fish drinking, chatting and otherwise being completely oblivious to the diminutive intruder's presence, as he continues rambling, now in high-pitched gibberish.
"Yur saloon belongs to me, Krabs! Now hand over the deed before things git ugly" Dead Eye threatened as he marched up to Krabs, accompanied by the pitter-patter of his tiny feet.
Krabs snorted. "Plankton, ol' pla? Always on time fer me daily dose of entertainment. What ye got this time?"
"How dare ya mock me! I'm serious this time, Krabs!" Dead Eye threatened. "Now hand over the deed! Or else!"
He pulled out a whip and swung it. We get a close-up of it flying against speed lines and then…it lightly tapped against Krabs's right leg. A plankton-sized whip was about as painful as getting flogged by a piece of string.
"Oh no! The pain! Please 'ave mercy, ye big scary outlaw!" Krabs let out a mocking laugh while Spongebuck tipped his hat at the despondent newcomer.
"Howdy, little boy. Name's Spongebuck!" he pointed at the nametag. "Ah'm the new fry cook!"
Dead Eye pursed his lips and his pulsating optic bulged at the whip.
"No! No! This should 'ave worked!" he screamed at the heavens. "Blast that accursed whip salesman! If ah ever see 'im again, ah'll tie him down and let the horses pull 'im apart!"
Having had his fun for the day, Krabs grabbed him by the hat and pulled him up (his antennas were underneath it, obviously).
"Well, this has been fun as always, but I gotta go and count me money. Ye know? The thing ye'll never have!" Krabs told him mockingly. "Hopalong!"
"Yes, sir?" the octopus came back.
"Please deal with this interloper." Krabs casually tossed him the copepod.
We jump-cut to pitch-black darkness, before Hopalong opens the door of an outhouse. He walks in and holds Dead Eye above the toilet.
"No! No! Ya can't do this! Do ya know who ah am-"
"Nuthin' personal." Hopalong said monotonously before dropping him and pulling the handle.
"Curse ya, Krabs!" Dead Eye cried in a gargled voice as he was flushed down.
Cue bubble transition to the next day…..
"Now this is what ah call "livin' the dream"!" Spongebuck marveled as he flipped expired patties on a small, rusty charcoal grill in the musty broom closet of the Krusty Kantina. Or his "kitchen", as Krabs had insisted.
He laughed. "Mr. Krabs is such a kind, considerate person. He even allowed me t' use the kitchen as my sleepin' quarters! That way I'll never be late fer work! What a guy!" Then one of the brooms fell against him for the umpteenth time this morning.
"Though ah question the wisdom behind his decision t' keep so many brooms in the kitchen?" he said as he pushed it back against the wooden wall.
Suddenly, he heard sobbing from the outside. "What was thaath?" Spongebuck wondered, while a tiny spider pulled itself back up behind him, with a patty in its grasp.
Opening the backdoor, the sponge looked around and found Dead Eye sitting and crying on the back of a disheveled sea horse-drawn cart, with the two sea horses it was attached to being little more than bleached skeletons halfway sunk into the desert floor.
"You there?"
Dead Eye jumped with a start. "Ah wasn't cryin'! Some dust blew into maah-"
"Hey, it's you again?" Spongebuck approached him chipperly. "Derp Eye Plankton, was it?"
"That's Dead Eye Plankton t' ya, ya yellow-bellied yokel!" Dead Eye retorted fiercely before deflating and throwing his arms up in defeat.
"Ah, who am ah kiddin', nobody calls me that. It's actually Ezekiel." He rested his face in his hands. "Ah jus' thought "Dead Eye" commanded more respect."
"Why were ya cryin', lil' guy?" Spongebuck sat next to him, sporting a concerned expression. "Ya can tell me?"
"Ah was NOT cryin'!" Dead Eye adamantly insisted. "Ah was….ah was jus' morosely contemplatin' maah rotten lot in life!"
"Wut?" Spongebuck went cross-eyed.
"Grrr….ah was cryin', alright!" Dead Eye gave in. "Happy now! Did ya get some sick kick outta seein' this poor, putdown protozoan bein' reduced to a weepin' mess cuz nuthin' in his life EVER goes right for 'im! Because he's a complete failure!"
"Now, now…don't exaggerate." Spongebuck patted his back very gently. He needed to, otherwise he would squash him. "It can't be all bad? Ah'm sure ya've accomplished somethin'?"
"Yeah, ah've managed to build maahself a naggin' wife who keeps remindin' me that ah'm a failure!" Dead Eye sarcastically pointed over his shoulder at a lithe steampunk robot on wheels who seemed to be on the verge of falling apart.
"You. Are. A. Failure." She said in Jill Talley's voice. "I. Want. A. Divorce."
"Shuddup, Carol!" Dead Eye snapped. "Or ah'll sell ya for spare parts! Ah already wasted maah last nickel on this hat and the mustache barber!"
"Why do ya want t' take over Mr. Krabs's saloon anyway?" Spongebuck asked curiously.
Dead Eye groaned. "Believe me, if it were up t' me, ah never would have stepped one foot in this hick town! Ah wanted t' become an inventor, t' build things, t' break new grounds, but maah family has been in the saloon business fer generations. Whoever owns the local saloon pretty much runs the town."
He clenched his fists up. "Maah pa Douglas, maah grandpa Rupert, maah great-grandpa Billy Bob, they all ruled their towns with an iron fist as saloon owners. None of them ever built their saloon though, they just extorted them from some poor schmuck they cowed into submission. Bein' robber barons has always bin the Plankton way. Until now that is. Ah'm gonna be the one t' break this sacred family tradition by virtue of bein' an utter failure!"
His face collapsed in his hands and he started sobbing again. And you wonder why no one took him seriously as an outlaw?
"Awww….you shouldn't feel pressured by yur family, Dead Eye." Spongebuck smiled sympathetically. "Jus' because they were saloon owners doesn't mean ya have to be one if ya don't want to?"
"What do ya mean?" the copepod sniffed.
"I mean, tryin' t' follow in someone else's footsteps isn't how ya find happiness, ya should always follow your own dreams!"
Dead Eye scowled. "What kind of nonsense is that!"
"It's not nonsense, silly." Spongebuck chuckled. "It's the spirit of the Wild West, we all came here to pursue our dreams! Our destiny is out there on the horizon, we jus' need t' be brave enough to go find it! Yur dream was t' be an inventor, right?"
"Yeah?"
"Then go be an inventor! Ah'm sure yall find success that way. Success is waitin' for ya somewhere out there! Ya jus' need to make it happen!"
Spongebuck's smile widened. "Ah left maah hometown to pursue maah dream of bein' a fry cook in Bikini Gulch and look at me now?" He gestured at his nametag. "Ah jus' had t' walk into the Krusty Kantine and jus' like that, ah seized maah destiny!"
"Huh?" Dead Eye rubbed his chin. "Ah never thought of it that way? Maah pa taught me that personal threats of violence were the only way t' achieve your goals? But ah never thought of tryin' t' utilize maah own talents?"
"Ya should do that!" Spongebuck nodded and poked him in the chest. "Only ya can make yur destiny come true, by followin' yur heart!"
A lightbulb went over Dead Eye's head and he grew a big, wicked smile as he stood up.
"Yur absolutely right! Ah've been goin' about it all wrong fer all these years! Ah need to do it maah own way, pave maah own destiny!"
"That's the spirit!" Spongebuck pumped his fist.
"Thank you so much, kid!" Dead Eye grabbed his index finger and shook it. "Ya're a real inspiration."
Spongebuck gushed. "Oh shucks, it was nothin', friend."
The Next Day…..
"Ha!" Krabs was looking at his pocket watch. "It be past noon already and ol' Dead Eye has made no futile attempt to nab me saloon today? Ye think he has finally given up?"
"A flush down the latrine is bound to discourage anyone." Hopalong shrugged while cleaning a glass.
"All done, Mr. Krabs!" Spongebuck arrived in the saloon, carrying a shovel over his back and covered in….let's just hope that was mud. "Ah've fed the sea cows, refilled their trough and cleaned their pen! Jus' like ya asked."
"Well done, boyo. I can see I made the right choice by hi-"
He was cut off by the ground suddenly trembling, causing him and Spongebuck to fall down while Hopalong fell on his counter and all the glasses and bottles fell off the shelves and shattered.
"What the devil?" Krabs asked as he and his two employees ran out and were greeted by a…
"Greetings, Krabs!" a familiar voice called down from the top of a steampunk version of Plankton's regular giant mecha.
"Sweet mother of pearl!" Krabs blurted in utter shock. "What in the name of Pacu Bill is that thing!"
"It's called a robot, it's goin' to be big!" Dead Eye cackled before turning his attention to the sponge. "Oh, and thanks a lot fer yur helpful advice, kiddo. Ah never would 'ave thought of this ingenious plan without ya!"
"What!" Krabs glared daggers at the flinching Spongebuck. "Consortin' with the enemy behind me back!"
"No! Ya misunderstand, sir. Ah was jus' tryin' t' lift his spirit by tellin' 'im t' play t' his strengths?" Spongebuck explained sheepishly.
"Indeed ya did." Dead Eye chuckled before pointing his arm cannon at the trio. "Now then, pleasantries aside, ah believe ya owe me a deed t' a certain saloon, Krabs!"
Krabs sweated bullets and swiftly pulled the rolled-up deed from his pocket. "Sure! Sure!" he blurted frantically. "Here ye go. Ye know me, I love civil transactions."
One of the robot's giant fingers sucked it up, it flew upwards and popped up from a tube inside its head, right into Dead Eye's grasp.
"Come ta pappa!" he grinned manically and kissed it. "Finally! FINALLY! The Krusty Kantine is MINE!"
He diverted his attention back at Krabs, Spongebuck and Hopalong, who were all cowering under the robot's shadow, before being grabbed by its massive hand.
"Always a pleasure doin' business with such negotiable gents." Dead Eye said faux-affably. "But now ah need ya t' take a hike! Ya're trespassin' on private property! Property of the Plankton estate!"
He shoved the three into his arm cannon and aimed it at the sky. "Hasta la vista, fools!"
He laughed diabolically as he shot them into the sky Team Rocket-style.
We now get a close-up of the singed crab, sponge and octopus flying through the sky and Krabs starts seething with rage.
"Spoooonge….BUCK!"
Spongebuck gulped. "Yes, sir?"
"YE'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEED!"
"Technically, you can't fire 'im if you no longer 'ave an establishment for 'im to work in." Hopalong deadpanned sardonically.
The scene freeze-frames and zooms out into a sepia-colored photo inside a history book. No clue how anyone got that photo.
"Wait a minute?" a puzzled Spongebob spoke inside the Bikini Bottom library. "This can't be the end of the story? How exactly did Spongebuck save Bikini Gulch?"
"Save Bikini Gulch?" Sandy realized and looked at the cover again. "Wait, this here book is jus' about "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom"?"
Spongebob blinked. "Yeah, but doesn't that…"
"Sorry, Spongebob. Ah didn't really think this through." Sandy gave him a guilty look. "See, "history" jus' means "things that happened in the past", doesn't matter what they were."
Spongebob faltered. "So…I don't have a famous ancestor?"
"Eh…cheer up, Sponge?" Sandy patted his back, fumbling with her words. "Lots of folks don't 'ave famous ancestors. Well…..not me, what with maah great-aunt Rosy and all….but….eh…Patrick and Mr. Krabs? Their ancestors didn't really accomplish anythin' meaningful when ya think 'bout it? Especially Krabs's? They're bein' kinda self-aggrandizing."
Spongebob pondered. "Well….yeah? Who needs a steel trap in their wallet? And warning people about marauding mollusks doesn't really mean much in the end if they didn't listen to you?"
Sandy smiled awkwardly. This wasn't the way she had planned to cheer him up, but it was better than nothing. "Yeah, see? Y'all not so alone after all."
"I guess?" Spongebob gave a lopsided smile before glancing back at the book. "But I'm still curious? What became of Spongebuck?"
"Only one way t' find out?" Sandy flipped the page. They found an image of a disheveled Spongebuck, Hopalong and William Krabs meeting someone in an old-fashion diving suit with whom Spongebuck was shaking hands. The mystery diver had a squirrel tail sticking from their back.
"Jumpin' horntoads!" Sandy was amazed. "They met maah great-great grandma Adalynn Cheeks! She was a pioneer in deepwater exploration, as well as the advent of aquariums that could sustain marine life on land. She was lookin' fer test subjects t' house in these newfangled artificial environments and since they were homeless bums with nuthin' to lose, Spongebuck and his companions agreed t' do it?"
"Wait? So my ancestor was one of the first sea creatures to embark on a journey to the surface world?" Spongebob grew hopeful and a big smile stretched across his face. "And to live there as well? He DID accomplish something! How did it go?"
"Aquariums were an experimental concept back then, so maybe…." Sandy flipped the next page which showed three tombstones inside a giant fishbowl and a forlorn Adalynn paying her respect.
Sandy glanced at Spongebob and saw him still sporting that big smile, while being as still as a statue. She swallowed a lump, before chuckling nervously.
"Eh….maybe that was enough history fer one day? How 'bout some karate?"
My experience with "Pest of the West" is…..unique as far Spongebob episodes go. Fun fact: I very rarely saw any commercials for this show as a kid. I just watched episodes as they aired, first with the first three seasons and then four and five as well, and needless to say, season five did a good job discouraging me from watching this show religiously anymore. After that, I saw most of the subsequent episodes online, including most of the infamous ones.
So I only saw "Atlantis Squarepantis" once on tv, without seeing any commercials that would give me expectations, so I just saw the episode as it aired, was generally unimpressed with it and just moved on. That is a big reason why many people peg that particular episode as horrendously awful instead of just forgetfully bland and lacking in substance; because they had expectations.
I was not so fortunate with "Pest of the West". This was one episode that I DID see commercials for, which got me hyped up, expecting to see "Dunces and Dragons" but as a western. Cue the massive disappointment when I did see the episode and it was a snooze fest. This was my "Atlantis Squarepantis" and while I realize now that this is far from the worst season 5 episode, it still holds a special place in my heart as one of those episodes I harbor a special kind of hatred for.
On its own merits, it's yet another episode that was written on autopilot and is about as soulless and deprived of substance as they come. Krabs calls Spongebuck's chilly terrible and Spongebuck asks him if he meant "terrible in a good way", then Krabs says "No. "Terrible" as in a terrible way". That's the caliber of writing on display here. It's amazing how these people made the "putting iconic characters in the Wild West" trope boring. How do you do that? This really is the polar opposite twin of "Dunces and Dragons", which is generally held up as one of the best episodes, not just of the post-movie seasons but the series in general.
Just compare the climax of that special with the climax of this special, which very much highlights just how stupid and creatively stunted "Pest of the West" is. They didn't even bother to name most of the ancestor characters in the actual episode! That's how little they cared and just churned this out to try and ride the coattails of "Dunces and Dragons". I could have tried to write a version of this special that's properly exciting, funny and even epic, in the vein of "Dunces and Dragons", but that's not the point of this series, the point is to parody and lampshade bad episodes by highlighting their most illogical elements, which resulted in the downer ending we got here XD
Also, this special has Mrs. Puff as a saloon girl. Let….let that sink in o_o