Chapter 60: Always
NSFW
Jane: October, Present Day
Jane locked the door behind her mom and the girls. She knew that they had to talk, but she still wasn't sure if she was ready for this.
Jane returned to the kitchen where Maura was leaning against the end of the island. "Let's sit on the couch," Jane said as she walked past Maura.
Maura nodded and followed Jane into the family room. "I'm sorry I contradicted you in front of the kids," Maura said before they sat down. "I actually expected…well, I thought you would feel the same way."
Jane spun on her heel. "Why? Because a reckless parent would condone pushing?" Jane snapped loudly.
"No!" Maura yelled back angrily. "Because you have always been the one who stands up to others, especially when someone you love is hurt. Are you really going to tell me that if someone was bullying Frankie as a kid, you wouldn't have punched them in the face?"
"Yeah, I woulda," Jane said. "But I want them to be better than me. They should never be the ones to escalate the fight. If the other kid had started getting physical, then that'd be different, but Finn took it from a verbal argument to a physical one. They should have gotten their teacher."
"Yeah, because we both know how well that works out…" Maura said under her breath.
"What?" Jane asked.
"Nothing. Never mind," Maura muttered.
"Whatever," Jane grumbled, instantly feeling her frustration rising.
"We both know this isn't about today. But that's beside the point. If I would have known we had different opinions, I never would have contradicted you in front of the kids."
Jane sighed. "I know that," she admitted.
"Jane, you are a wonderful mother," Maura said fervently. "I don't know what I can say to make you believe me. Emma, Finn, Harper, and Sophie are so, so lucky. I didn't mean…"
"That's the part I don't get," Jane interrupted loudly. "You can't lie. You've never been able to, so what's different. You were pretty clear in calling me reckless and when you said you made a mistake leaving them with me. How am I supposed to take that? How do we get past that? How are we supposed to build a life together, co-parent together if you don't trust me?"
Tears instantly sprung to Maura's eyes as Jane's words tore her heart to shreds. She gasped for air when she forced herself to answer Jane's questions. "Because I do trust you, Jane. I trust you more than anyone else. I was scared and hurting, and I lashed out," Maura said. "I'm not saying that what I did or said was okay. It wasn't, and I hate myself for hurting you like that. But it's what happened.
"First of all, I didn't actually call you a reckless parent," Maura continued, breathing deeply to try to steady herself. "I said you'd been reckless in the past, and I implied that that behavior might apply to your parenting. I never actually said…"
"Bullshit!" Jane snapped. "Now, you're just splitting words. You knew exactly what you were saying."
"Yes, I did," Maura admitted weakly. "I knew exactly what I was saying and exactly how I was saying it. I knew how it sounded, and I knew how to word it to be hurtful but still not a lie. It makes me a terrible person but not a liar."
"Jesus, Maura," Jane said, caught off guard by Maura's honesty.
Maura sighed as she paused to wipe away the tears that continued to fall. "Jane, if you can't forgive me for hurting you, I…I'll regret it forever, but I'll understand," Maura said slowly. "Honestly, I'd rather you hate me for the right reasons."
"I don't hate you, Maura, but I'm still trying to understand," Jane said, her voice sounding more resigned than anything else. "Okay, so, say I believe you about whether or not you think I'm a reckless parent, that still doesn't deal with the larger issue, which is the fact that you think it was a mistake to leave them with me."
Maura shook her head violently as she fought against the sobs threatening to escape. "You are not my mistake," Maura said thickly. "Choosing you will never be a mistake, Jane. Not as their mother, not as the person I trust the most in this world, not as my best friend. I don't regret leaving them with you for even a second," Maura said, emphasizing 'with you.' "But yes, sometimes, I wonder if I made a mistake in leaving. Logically, I know it was the right choice, but emotionally…I missed so much, Jane. But please, you have to understand the difference."
"I do," Jane said quietly, but Maura didn't hear her as she continued to break down.
"I wasn't there for them, Jane. What if something happened to one of them and I wasn't there? What if she died before I even knew she existed?" Maura cried.
"What?" Jane said, now completely confused.
Unable to hold herself up any longer, Maura started to fall back into the couch, but Jane caught her by the elbow and pulled her into a tight embrace. Maura's fists instantly gripped onto Jane's shirt as she cried into Jane's shoulder. She was holding onto Jane like her life depended on it, and she wasn't even sure she was standing on her own anymore. Jane was holding her together in every way.
Jane had been talking to her for a few minutes before her voice finally broke through Maura's distress. "They're all okay," Jane whispered into Maura's hair. Her fingers were gently massaging the back of Maura's scalp as she cradled Maura's head against her shoulder with one hand while her other arm continued to hold Maura tightly against her body. "They're happy, healthy kids, and they're so loved."
Maura finally let go of Jane's shirt with her left hand and moved her arm around Jane's shoulder to pull her impossibly closer. "I'm sorry, Jane," Maura mumbled against Jane's skin without lifting her head. "I'm so, so sorry."
"It's okay."
"No, it's not."
"Maura, I forgive you, and more importantly, I believe you," Jane said, and she felt Maura's grip tighten at her words. "We still have to talk about this, but we'll be okay." Maura nodded against Jane's shoulder. "Look at me, Maura," Jane said gently.
Maura slowly lifted her head to look at Jane, and Jane's heart broke at the sadness etched on Maura's face. Her makeup was smeared, her cheeks were blotchy, and her hazel eyes glistened behind the remaining tears. Jane brought the hand that had previously been threaded in Maura's hair around to cup her face, and her thumb wiped some of the wetness from Maura's cheek.
"We're gonna get through this," Jane said, her eyes remaining locked on Maura's. Maura nodded and swallowed thickly. "Let's take a break. We're both still in our work clothes, so we can change and then talk some more. Okay?"
Maura glanced down as her right hand finally released it's hold on Jane's shirt. She tried to smooth the wrinkles with one hand without loosening her hold on Jane's shoulder. "I think I may have ruined your shirt," she admitted sheepishly as she spotted the make-up stains.
"I don't care," Jane said as she redoubled her grip on Maura in an attempt to switch from merely holding her to actually hugging her. She kissed Maura's temple before mumbling, "I love you, Maura."
"I love you, too, Jane."
Maura: October, Present Day
Maura was grateful that Jane had suggested a short break, but she was also grateful that Jane seemed to want to take their break together instead of separate.
They both went upstairs and changed into comfortable clothes, and Maura washed off her makeup. She felt better than she had in a while.
As Maura stepped out of the bathroom into the bedroom, Jane pulled Maura into another hug. "Where do you want to talk?" Jane asked softly as she kissed the side of Maura's head.
"Somewhere I don't have to let go," Maura suggested weakly, causing Jane to chuckle lightly.
"Let's go down to the couch," Jane replied, taking Maura's hand and leading her down the stairs. "Do you want something to drink?" she asked as she guided Maura to the couch.
"Just water," Maura said as she dropped onto the couch.
Jane returned a few minutes later and sat next to Maura on the couch. After handing Maura her water, Jane wrapped her free arm around Maura's shoulders. Maura snuggled into Jane's side, pulling her feet up and tucking them under her body, but as much as she wanted to, she didn't lay her head on Jane's shoulder. Instead, choosing to face Jane.
"Can I ask you something?" Jane said quickly, her eyes locked on the water bottle in her hand as her fingers fiddled with the label.
Maura nodded. "Yes," she replied softly.
"Something you said confused me," Jane continued. "I know you were afraid of something happening to one of the girls while you were gone, but why did you say that she could have died before you knew she existed?"
"It wasn't Emma breaking her arm that triggered me," Maura said, looking at her hands in her lap. "I mean, yes, her getting hurt had me on edge. I was upset about it, but I was upset in the same way you were. I hated hearing her ask for us…ask for you and for us to not be there, but I do understand that things happen."
"Okay, then what…"
"Harper," Maura answered quickly. "It was about Harper. I didn't know that she had been in the hospital, and hearing the girls talk about it…I think it was the first time that I realized that there was a chance I could have lived my life never knowing that she existed. Like, I could always love Emma and Finn from afar, but…"
"Wait, all of this has been about Harper?" Jane asked in surprise.
"It's about all of them," Maura said. "The fear of something happening to one of them – any of them – and I wouldn't know…it is so deeply ingrained in me. I don't know if it'll ever go away."
"It won't," Jane said quietly, causing Maura to turn to look at her. "I mean, I'm not claiming that I know what you've been through but worrying about them – that never ends."
"That's true," Maura said with a laugh. "I've spent many, many hours of therapy both before and after I came home talking about if something happened to Emma or Finn. Even though I love Harper just as much as I love Emma, Finn, and Sophie, this was really the first time I thought about what could have happened, and that scared me."
"She had croup," Jane said softly. "It was really scary, but she wasn't going to die."
"I'm just so grateful that I do get to know her and love her."
"And she loves you so much, Maura."
Maura squeezed her eyes shut as Jane's words brought tears to her eyes. They sat together in silence for a few minutes before Jane spoke again.
"I thought about it, you know?" Jane said.
"Thought about what?"
"What I would do if Emma or Finn got sick – like really sick not the flu – or if…if something happened to one of them," Jane's voice broke as she said it, and it made Maura's heart clench in her chest. Maura reached out and pulled Jane's hand into her lap, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"I decided…I never told anyone this, but I decided that if it was terminal, I'd find you. Well, I woulda tried, I guess. I still think I'da been able to, but I'm really glad we didn't have to find out," Jane admitted.
Maura didn't know what to say, so instead, she gave Jane's hand another squeeze. Eventually, she asked, "Just if it was Emma or Finn? Or Harper too?"
"Then? Probably only if it was Emma or Finn," Jane admitted. "Now? Or in the future? Absolutely, for any one of them."
Maura nodded and rested her head on Jane's shoulder. "I'm going to work on it – controlling my words when I'm that upset," Maura said. "I still hate that I hurt you like that."
Jane let go of Maura's hand and wrapped both of her arms around Maura's body. "I won't say it didn't hurt," Jane said against Maura's temple. "But I plan to continue to be your safe person for a very, very long time, so let's just promise each other that no matter what we do or say to hurt each other – because you know we'll both do it again at some point – promise we'll always try our best to work through it after."
"Always," Maura promised, turning her head to give Jane a proper kiss.
They kissed for a few minutes before Maura pulled back. "Just so you know, even though she was right, I'm not sure how I feel about having my own words used against me by a six-year-old," she teased.
Jane laughed brightly. "Oh, just wait till they use something you've said when they're arguing with you," she quipped. "At least this time, she wasn't using it against us."
Maura joined in Jane's laughter before moving to straddle Jane. She kissed Jane hard, but before Jane could deepen the kiss, she pulled back. "And there are four of them," she teased.
"Yeah, we're outnumbered," Jane agreed, but she was quickly becoming distracted. She slid her hands up Maura's thighs and gently grasped Maura's hips.
"I've missed you," Maura whispered. She wrapped her arms around Jane's shoulders and leaned in for another kiss. She rolled her hips once against Jane's pelvis at the same time she slipped her tongue into Jane's mouth.
Jane's hips bucked in response, drawing a surprised moan from Maura at the contact. Maura kept one hand pressed between Jane's shoulder blades and the other threaded into Jane's hair as they made out. Their lips and tongues moved together in a sensual dance for a few minutes before passion started to take over.
Maura's arousal skyrocketed as their kisses became more frantic and Jane's hands roamed shamelessly. Maura gasped, breaking their kiss, when Jane squeezed her ass.
"I've missed you, too," Jane mumbled against the hot skin of Maura's neck, causing Maura to tighten her hold on Maura.
Needing more, Maura ground her still clothed center against Jane's hips. "Oh, fuck," Maura cried out when Jane slipped her hand under the waistband of Maura's yoga pants and panties. "Jane, please," she moaned into Jane's ear.
She had been intended to slowly make love to Jane, to show her just how much she loved her. However, after only a few minutes of kissing, Maura's entire body was on fire, and she needed Jane now.
"Jane…" Maura whimpered, and she was instantly rewarded when Jane thrust two fingers into her. Maura's head dropped back as she began riding Jane's fingers as fast and as hard as she could, her moans and noises coming out louder and faster as Jane quickly drove her to the edge.
"Come for me, Maura," Jane said between pants before she lightly bit down on Maura's exposed collarbone. Jane emphasized her words by adding a third finger and picking up the pace of her thrusts.
Maura thrust her hips shamelessly, her eyes squeezed shut and the cords of her neck exposed, as she chased her release. Jane's free hand pressed against the top of her ass to provide leverage to increase the pressure of her thrusts.
"Jane, Jane, Jane," Maura chanted as her hips gave a few sloppy thrusts before her body froze and her orgasm crashed through her. She screamed Jane's name. Her back arched, pressing her body against Jane's. Jane's hand continued to move furiously between Maura's legs as Maura rode out wave after wave of her release.
When Maura finally collapsed against Jane, Jane gently slipped her hand out of Maura's pants and wrapped both of her arms around Maura's overheated body. "Shit, Jane," Maura groaned without lifting her face from where it was pressed in the crook of Jane's neck.
Jane chuckled as she rubbed her hand in comforting circles across Maura's back. They stayed like that, wrapped up in each other as they enjoyed the afterglow, for a while. Maura's body cooled, and her breathing slowed, but her desire for Jane wasn't yet satiated.
Maura lifted her head and kissed Jane, starting at her ear, traveling down her jawline, and ending with a passionate kiss to her lips. She rested her forehead against Jane's before saying, "Should we finish this upstairs?"
"Mmmm," Jane hummed in agreement. "In a minute," she said as she stopped Maura from standing up. "We have all night. I just wanna enjoy this for a little bit longer."
Maura smiled brightly. She loved the sound of that.
A/N: They still have more work to do, but they are in a much better place now. More to come soon! We are moving into wrapping up a lot of the storylines, but don't worry, there will 100% be at least one sequel if not more than one!