Summary: YJ S1 Ep 17

Disclaimer: I don't own DC

Dick hated therapy. Bruce had tried to send him to therapy following his parent's accident, and he couldn't stand it. All the shrinks could do was ask him stupid questions that didn't help him one bit. Thankfully, Bruce understood quickly how worthless the therapy sessions were, so he pulled Dick out after less than 4 sessions. But there was no talking his way out of this one. The League collectively had agreed that the team needed therapy following the failed training sim, and so Dick was soon gonna be stuck in therapy with Aunt Dinah. Thankfully, Dinah understood him better than most shrinks ever could, so he was more comfortable opening up to her. But he doubted anyone on the face of the earth could understand what was going through his head right now.

Yesterday had taken its toll on everyone. Connor had spent most of his time in the training room avoiding Canary and taking his anger out on sparring targets, Megan was avoiding everyone for fear of being hated, Kaldur had no idea what to do for the rest of the team, Wally could think of nothing but Artemis, and Artemis was just confused as to what happened following her death. Dick was neck-deep in self-loathing and guilt. He had achieved what he always wanted. He became Batman. He put the mission before his friends and became team leader only to send all the people he loved to their deaths without hesitation. He finally learned what it meant to be the Bat, and he hated every second of it.

Dick was walking around the cave when he came across Artemis, who had just come out of her therapy session. "Hey Arty."

"Hey." They sat in the lobby in awkward silence before Dick spoke. "How have you been holding up?"

"Great. I mean, I don't know what happened after I died, I just know that it led to all this. I'm kinda surprised everyone cared this much about me. I mean, I've barely been here a few months."

"You're important to all of us. And I think you know that. It's just Wally you're confused about."

"Well...yeah. I guess. Why would he go off the rails, though? He hates me. And I hate him."

"Yeah, I'm not really sure ya do. And he doesn't either. Wally has a hard time showing it, but he really does like you. I'm not trying to mess with you right now, I'm dead serious. Take it from his best friend. He cares for you more than probably anyone else here." Artemis faintly blushed and smiled at that. Honestly, she loved the team, including Wally. It just killed her that she thought he couldn't stand her. Knowing he actually cared was relieving to say the least. This team was like her family, a lot more than her real one.

"So, what about you? I'm guessing you've got some issues goin' on right now?"

"Heh, doesn't everyone? I'm fine really. Just...working through some stuff." Dick left before she could continue. He really didn't want to talk about his problems when everyone else had just as bad if not worse issues right now. Especially because he felt he didn't deserve to be helped after what he did.

Dick walked into the entertainment center to find Wally just sitting there, not doing anything. "Hey."

"Hey. Talk to Canary yet?"

"No, you?"

"Just got out."

"Nice." Dick was hesitant to sit next to Wally because he was unaware of whether or not his best friend carried any grudges.

"Hey, about the mission. I'm, uh, sorry for...y'know, not telling you about the Zeta beams."

"Nah, I get it man. I woulda probably gone ballistic if you did tell me. Are you good, though? I never saw you so...Batman-y before."

"Yeah, yeah. Just the stress and all, y'know. You sure we're cool?"

"Bro, when am I not cool?" Dick laughed. He knew Wally could always get him to cheer up, no matter the situation.

"Sooo, Artemis, huh?" Wally coughed and almost fell over when Dick said that. Dick snickered as he regained composure.

"I-I was, uh, concerned for a teammate, that's all!"

"Seemed like you were more than concerned."

"Sh-shut up. It's nothing. I mean, she still hates me and I still hate her."

"Right. Well, I'm gonna go for a walk. I don't really wanna debate your love life right now." Wally glared at him as he walked away.

Dick walked around the halls to find Kaldur deep in thought. "Uh, hey." Kaldur faced him and attempted to smile, but couldn't.

"Hello, Robin."

"You go through therapy?"

"Indeed. And you?"

"Not yet...Uh, Kal?"

"Yes?"

"About the whole leader thing, I just wanted to-"

"Yes, I actually wished to apologize to you for that. I have been trying to find the right way to have this conversation, but haven't mustered up the courage to do so yet. However, I can live with this guilt no longer. I am truly sorry for the position I put you in."

"Wh-what? Why would you be sorry?"

"I gave myself up, sacrificed myself like a simple soldier. And in doing so, I unwillingly shifted the burden of leadership to you, without offering you the courtesy of making the choice for yourself. I am very sorry my friend."

"N-no! I mean, you did the right thing. You saved J'onn's life. If it weren't for that, we woulda never gotten out of the simulation! Besides, you did what any of us would do. You saved someone's life without hesitation. I'm not mad at you for that. It's just...I...I messed up. I really did. All I wanted was to lead the team, and you made it seem so easy. But I got the chance to lead and just ended up sending everyone to their deaths. I...I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your standard." Kaldur sighed when he heard the story.

"It is not your fault. You behaved as one would expect in a war, and it was your strategy that led the team to victory in the final stand."

"What good is a victory if everyone ends up dead?"

"I know the outcome may not have been desirable, but you did the best you could. I am sorry I had to shift the mantle to you before you were properly ready to assume it, but you handled the situation with diligence and authority. I am very impressed with your initiative. It may not have ended in the best of ways, but the fault is nobody's but my own." That's debatable. "I told you that you were born to lead this team, and I meant it. You simply require more time to learn how to do so, and I promise I won't trouble you with the duties of leadership unless you are ready." Dick smiled as he heard Kaldur's words. Knowing that Kal wasn't mad at him for messing up was gratifying. But he was still mad at himself, and so he left for the training room, hoping to blow off some steam. He walked in to find the place wrecked and Connor sitting in a corner attempting to cool off. Geez, looks like Darkseid went through here! Dick approached Connor and sat next to him.

"I wanna be left alone. I don't wanna have a shrink session."

"Yeah, me neither. I guess we could be left alone together?" Connor raised an eyebrow at that. "So, uh, how are you doin'?"

"Fine." Connor clearly didn't want to talk much, but Dick had some things he really needed to get off his chest.

"Hey, I'm sorry about the whole 'distraction' thing. I got ya killed and I really didn't mean to. It's just-"

"It's fine. I'm not mad about it or anything. You were the leader. I followed your orders. Simple as that. No hard feelings or anything."

"Really? I got you killed."

"It was the right move. I was expendable. I don't blame you for it. I would have followed your orders anyways."

"So then what's got you so pissed off then? I-I thought you were mad at me." Connor stayed silent for a bit until he spoke.

"...Did you ever, y'know, want to be Batman? Like, did you ever wanna step into his shoes and know what it's like to be him." Well, this is ironic.

"Uh, sorta...yeah, I guess. Why?"

"Ever since I was freed by you guys I wanted to know what it was like to be Superman. But I never knew what that meant until yesterday. I had to stand around and watch my friends die while I was unharmed. I have all this power and I've never felt more powerless in my life. And now that I've seen it, I-I don't think I want to be Superman anymore." Dick was shocked at Connor's words. This was exactly the position he was in right now! He had to admit, it was nice knowing that someone else was going through the same stuff as him. That way they could at least have each other to lean on.

"I gotta be honest...I know exactly what you're going through right now. In the sim I just took over after Kal died. I pushed my emotion to the side and just focused on the mission. It was like I was playing on a gameboard and you all were just pawns. It was just me trying to...be Batman. And now that I know what that's like, I hate it more than anything." Connor looked somewhat surprised as Dick mentioned that. He hadn't really thought anyone could relate to him like this.

"Guess we've got that in common then, huh?"

"Heh, yeah I guess." Dick and Connor sat there for a while before he got up to go to the kitchen. Hopefully, he could grab a bite before his therapy. He got to the kitchen to find M'gann there, gloomily swirling a broth with her spoon while not really paying attention.

"Hey, Miss M." Megan jumped as he greeted her, and slowly turned to face him.

"H-hey Robin."

"Why you so jumpy?"

"N-nothing, nothing."

"I haven't seen ya all day. Are you avoiding the team or something?"

"N-no! Why would you think that!"

"You've been uncharacteristically quiet and reserved ever since..." Dick stopped himself. He didn't want to make anything worse than it already was, and if there was a contest for who was most traumatized by the events of yesterday, Megan would have to be the clear winner.

"I-I'm just..."

"You know no one blames you for it, right?"

"...why not? It was my fault. If I had a better control of my powers, none of you would have had to go through that."

"Maybe not, but we all make mistakes. God knows I made some yesterday. Nobody can judge you for yours." Megan began to tear up a bit as she engulfed Dick in a hug. She had spent the past day worried that her friends, her family were all going to leave her because of her mistake. She had already gone through that on Mars. She couldn't do it again. Knowing that they held nothing against her felt like such a burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

"Thank you, Robin. It means the world to me."

"There's, uh, one other thing. Look, about when I took over as leader, I'm really sorry for what I did. I led Connor to his death and I know I shouldn't have. I don't know how you could ever forgive me for that, but I'm just asking if we could maybe try to move past it?"

"It's alright. It was the smart thing to do. And you were the leader. We would have followed you no matter what." That made Dick both feel a bit better but somehow also worse at the same time. The fact that his friends were willing to back his play was gratifying, but at the same time, he felt even more worried. This was exactly the kind of blind trust the League put into Batman. It made him feel even more like the very thing he was terrified of at this moment. Before Dick could say anything more, he heard Canary radio in for him to enter the living room. He sighed as he headed off to his therapy session.

Dick entered the room and sat on the opposite couch as Dinah. They sat in silence for a few seconds before Canary broke the quiet.

"So, I know this is the last thing you wanna hear, but how are you holding up?"

"Great. Just...great."

"Look, Robin, I know you are hurting right now, but-"

"Hurting? Try traumatized. I finally become leader and wind up sending all my friends to their deaths. I know I did what I had to or whatever, but I still hated it. When we first started this team I was desperate to be in charge...not anymore. A-and that's not even the worst of it...you can't tell Batman." Dick was afraid to face this next bit, but knew he had to. He just couldn't let Bruce know yet, for fear of rejection or disappointment.

"Nothing leaves this room." Dick sighed as he forced himself to admit his newfound secret.

"I always wanted-expected-to grow up and...become him. And the hero bit? I'm still all in! But that thing inside him? The thing that...drives him to sacrifice everything for the sake of his mission? That's not me. That'll never be me." Dick's eyes started to water as he realized that the thing he had wanted most, what he had worked the past 5 years with the hope of becoming, was now the thing he most feared. His eagerness had become a curse. And the worst part was he couldn't even let his father, the only person he could truly rely on, know of this.

"I...I don't wanna be...the Batman...not anymore."

Ok, this was part 1 of the episode. I don't know how it turned out, but I'd say it was alright. Part 2 will be shorter but will see Dick talk with Alfred, Bruce, Clark, and maybe Diana about his new problem. After that will be Ep 17, which will be Dick and Bruce discussing the mole with the others and will end with a bit of Chalant. Zatanna and Dick stuff will feature way more after ep 18, which is when she joins. Feel free to review and leave thoughts or suggestions. Next chapter up soon.