A Day In the Life - Death of Stalin
Sorry there hasn't been any new chapters for a looooong time and then I came up with this a few months ago and thought it would be good to write my version of what happened after Stalin died (with apologies to Armand Iannucci's film of the same name)
March 1953
The Baltics and Prussia were enjoying a peaceful few days without Russia. It was glorious. They never wanted it to stop. But stop it would. And how…
The telephone rang and Toris got up from the sofa (he usually never sat on the sofa during the day when Russia was home as there was too much to do - whether this was cooking, baking, sewing buttons on shirts, getting bloodstains out of coats, or trying to get his boss to take his meds) but he was actually sat. In the day. Now he wasn't. Nobody else was around. Estonia was in Russia's office buggering about with Russia's safe (which Russia had no idea was there). Prussia was in his room plotting his escape. Whilst Latvia was outside trying to teach the cat tricks.
"Hallo?" Toris said into the receiver. He was kind of hoping it wasn't Poland. It had been so peaceful without Russia in the house and to swap one messed up Nation for another messed up Nation was a no go (this one would be wearing a skirt but there the differences ended).
It wasn't Poland.
"Privet! Toris!"
Toris sighed. "Hi Sir." He said resignedly. "What have you forgotten this time? Your toothbrush? Your blue scarf with the pink ducks? Your Santa socks?"
"Nyet nyet nyet. None of those things."
Russia had rung him nearly every hour since arriving in Moscow two days ago. It had taken Toris an hour's phone conversation to persuade Russia that no, they could not fly a local KGB officer out there on a military jet from Leningrad with Russia's second favourite pyjamas. How on earth the man ever got anything done on his own baffled Lithuania. But the boss had insisted he take this trip alone without any of the Baltics babysitting him despite the fact that the local KGB would be looking after him anyway. Even Estonia had stayed home. And Estonia was Russia's secretary.
"Well what is it?" Toris said, trying hard to keep the impatience out of his tone.
"I need you to come here now. All of you. I need your help. Well perhaps not Prussia. He is useless and he talks too much."
"You're coming home tomorrow anyway so if you've forgotten General Ted…" Toris said referring to Russia's teddy bear that sported a red star medal.
"Nyet! I remembered Ted! He is here! But you need to come now. Today. I have booked plane tickets for you. You are to come directly here."
Toris sighed. This was crap. "Look Sir…"
There was a growl on the other end of the line. "Do not look 'Sir' me, Toris. You will get on that plane today. You, Estonia and Latvia. It is very very important."
"But you're coming home tomorrow…"
"Nyet you will come here. Today. It is an order. I am not happy with you Toris…"
Toris gulped. "Okay…"
"Good. The flight leaves in 30 minutes. You will be on it."
Toris hit his forehead several times with the receiver and then was about to answer but it was dead. Damn. It was 8.30 am. Where was he going to get a taxi from at this time? As if by magic though there was a knock on the door. He answered it to find a dour KGB officer stood there.
"I'm taking you and the others to the airport," the man said. And then added, "Sir."
The next ten minutes was spent running around the house shouting, shoving stuff in overnight bags and hurrying his fellow Baltics and Prussia out of the door and into the waiting Zil limo.
"But why?" Latvia said again for the thousandth time.
"I bet he's forgotten his knitting," Prussia said.
"You shouldn't be here," Toris said as they were driven pell-mell through Leningrad and then deposited at the airport. In his panic Toris had shoved the Prussian into the car as well.
"I have a cunning plan," Prussia replied and tapped his head.
That did not bode well.
"It could all be very innocent," Estonia said as they were escorted by armed guards onto the plane.
Toris raised an eyebrow at him.
"I bet he's adopted a yak and has fed it beans," Prussia said.
"Shut up, Gil," Toris said.
"But why?" Latvia said again as they soared over the grey steppes of northern Russia. None of the others answered. Toris was hoping he had packed the wool that Prussia was convinced Russia had forgotten, whilst Estonia was working out if they were going to end up in some moronic situation where one of them would end up dressing as a member of the opposite sex (yes they would), and possibly averting a world war (yes they would) and doing a lot of explaining to the other Nations (yes they would).
The flight, for the Baltics, was uneventful for once. But this was largely because they did not have a six foot nutty Russian with them who told everyone on the plane that if there was a crash he wouldn't need a parachute or telling about the time he'd been dropped into Austria (but not the Nation) to rescue a double Agent and brought back souvenirs. For Prussia it was a chance to try out his seduction techniques on the air stewardess, who looked grim and hated Germans and didn't look as if she was a 'Miss World competitor' as Prussia called her. When he was handed into his seat with a sick bag and a bag of peanuts and a sharp 'nyet' or she would punch him through into the fusillade, he turned to Lithuania and said 'I bet she loves me really,' and got hit full on the ankle with a tea trolley for his efforts.
Moscow Airport was as exciting as the country it served. Which largely meant it wasn't exciting at all, Prussia thought. He waved goodbye to Olga, the air stewardess who glared at him and jumped down the last few steps of the steps of the plane. He had a plan. He just needed an unsuspecting dozy human Russian to help him.
In the meantime, Estonia was looking around for the car to take them to where Russia was (the Nation, not the country), Lithuania was trying to fix the luggage trolley with an errant left wheel (he'd already run into a large woman who'd glared at him and then a bad tempered official who'd told him off) and Latvia was looking in the airport shops. Not that they were any good - not like the Western ones anyway. Most of them seemed to sell cigarettes and vodka but not the sunglasses and cheap magazines that you'd find in Western European airports. Russian airports were boring she decided but at least they were out of the house. That was something.
Unfortunately just as Estonia found the Government car ordered for them to take them to Stalin's dacha (although they didn't realise that's where they were going), Prussia had disappeared.
"Go and find Gil will you?" Estonia asked Latvia.
"Why me?" Latvia asked.
"Because you're the smallest and because he might actually come to you," Estonia said. As if Prussia was a dog that needed recall training.
Latvia sighed. "I didn't want to come anyway." She said and stomped off, yelling "Gilbert!" At the top of her voice.
Prussia put a gun to a customer services assistant's head and said, "Don't yell or scream, you're coming with me."
Customer services assistant was a new role in the Moscow Airport, in fact customer services assistant was a totally new concept in the Soviet Union and it was Oleg's third day. The cruel hands of fate had slapped this poor young man in the face.
"I can't help you…" Oleg stammered as he tried to reach for his walkie talkie.
Prussia, although very daft, wasn't quite that daft and slapped the walkie talkie out of the man's hands. "Get me on the next flight to Vienna or Bonn or…" here Prussia tried to think of a western Nation that he hadn't totally pissed off. His indecision was his undoing.
"Gilbert!" It was Lithuania, dragging a suitcase trolley that squeaked alarmingly. Nothing worked properly in the Soviet Union.
Latvia trailed after him. "I told you he was here!" She said.
"I'm busy."
"Leave that human alone and get over here! We have a car!"
Prussia shoved Oleg in front of him. "Listen skinny-arse," he began to say to Lithuania but didn't get any further as Lithuania got hold of him (Toris was alarmingly strong sometimes, he did used to be a European 'superpower' once upon a time with Poland) and dragged him and his 'hostage' along with the suitcase trolley. "I am fed up of this. You will do as you're told." Toris said. He was under a great deal of stress. His stomach ulcer was grumbling. If they were late for Russia then who knew what would happen?
"Where are we going?" Oleg asked.
"Shush!" Prussia said and then said to Toris, "Where are we going?"
Lithuania didn't answer. So Prussia shoved his hostage onto the trolley and sat on it with him. "I'm going to get my arse out of here and you're not going to stop me!" He told Lithuania.
Lithuania totally ignored him and shoved the trolley towards the car park where Estonia and a stony-faced KGB officer was waiting.
Latvia walked alongside. "Where are we going?" She asked, for the sixteenth time.
"Raivis, I've told you already. I don't know!" Toris said. He sounded like Dads the world over.
"Yeah shut up, Latty Big Balls," Prussia said, sat in the trolley, his gun pressed against Oleg's head.
Oleg, terrified beyond measure, thought he'd been kidnapped by a well-armed terrorist gang, whimpered. "My boss will wonder where I am," he said to Prussia.
"Ja? Well so does ours and you don't see us crying do you?"
"Who's this?" Estonia said as they arrived at the Zil Limo. He pointed at the human.
"He's mine," Prussia said. "You're not having him."
Toris raised an eyebrow and shook his head.
"Just get in the car, both of you. And you, Latvia." Toris said. He pulled Estonia to one side. "Look I know it's a pain…"
"It's a human… why do we have a human with us?" Estonia hissed.
"Just humour him. It might keep him quiet on the journey." Toris replied, speaking as if Oleg was a MacDonalds toy they'd picked up to keep a toddler quiet.
"It complicates things."
Toris shrugged. "Let's just get on with this and see what's up with the boss."
Estonia sighed. "That could be any number of things," he said as he got in the car - the front passenger seat. "It could be he's forgot his knitting. He's found an interesting species of sunflower. He's started a war or he's killed someone." He said these last two words accidentally to the KGB officer next to him who was driving, almost drove into a post.
Toris, who was too tired to think properly, sat next to Latvia. In the back on the opposite seats was Prussia with Oleg who was too frightened to speak.
Latvia stared at the poor man. "Are you KGB?" She asked him finally with a lot of hostility.
Oleg shook his head quickly.
"He's my ticket out of this crummy country," Prussia said.
"He looks like he doesn't know what day it is," Latvia said.
"What do you know?" Prussia replied.
"I think the boss will think you've brought a snack," Latvia said with relish.
"Shut up both of you. I have a migraine coming on." Toris said.
"Are we there yet?" Latvia asked.
"Listen if you're bored just play the registration game."
"What's that?"
"Make a word out of the registration plates we see," Toris told her. He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes.
"Wanker!" Prussia suddenly announced.
Latvia hit him.
"Oi! Mum!" He yelled. "I was making a word out of that registration number!"
"Tell him, Toris!" Latvia shouted.
"Oh my God! Will you both just shut up! I'll tell the boss when I see him."
"Psycho!" Prussia said and grinned and pointed to a plate that had the letters PYSO.
Latvia glared at him and then saw 'GBO'. "Gob." She said.
"What's that?"
"It's an English word. For you. I learnt it from England." She said proudly.
"Damn. I like that." Prussia said.
"What is it you want from me?" Oleg suddenly said.
Latvia looked at him and shrugged.
Prussia was about to answer but Toris did it for him. "I need you all to shut up and hand me my migraine tablets. That's what I need. And Gilbert?"
"What?"
"You can return this human back from where you found him when we get back."
"Awww! You're such a buzzkill."
"Ha!" Latvia mocked. "I did say…" she muttered as Gilbert glared at her.
"Migraine tablets!" Toris snapped.
"Jesus! Okay Mr Mardy Pants. Here!" Prussia tossed a packets of painkillers at Lithuania and sat back. He winked at Oleg who trembled.
The car swept past a row of birch trees lining a long driveway and came to a stop on gravel outside a large dacha. They were 20 miles outside Moscow and had come through a guard checkpoint and then another gate with armed guards. More guards stood at the door.
"Who lives in a house like this?" Prussia said dramatically in his cheesy game show host voice.
"Shut up, Gil," Latvia said nervously.
Lithuania, who had laid his head back against the seat headrest, his eyes closed just said, "Are we there?"
Estonia jumped out. "Right, come on then. Let's see what's going on…" he said.
He was about to knock on the door when it was flung open and Russia stood there.
"You came!" He yelled.
"Of course we came. What's the matter?" Estonia said.
"Nothing…" Russia said and dragged them in the house past the guards. "Get in here…" He looked flustered, pale (even more so than usual) and as if he'd not slept in a decade.
"Oh great. We've flown several hundred miles to this two-bit town for nuthing," Prussia said this in his best Cowboy accent. Toris punched him on the arm.
"Wut?" Russia asked.
"Nothing."
Russia ushered them into the hallway which was bigger than the average person's (or certainly the average Russian's) apartment. "Who's this?" He said and stared at Oleg.
"He's my hostage," Prussia said.
"Can I have a hostage as well?" Russia said. "Did you bring me one?"
"No, Sir." Toris said with infinite patience and then indicated to Estonia that he should do all the talking.
"What did you call us for?" Estonia asked.
"I may have done something very very very bad," Russia said ominously.
"Oh… did you curse Japan again?" Estonia asked, trying to put a positive tone into his voice.
"Nyet."
"Did you forget your knitting?" Prussia asked.
"Nyet." Russia held up a small knitted Prussia he had made.
Prussia did not know whether to feel touched or not.
Latvia took the toy and poked it. "I like it. Can I have it?" She asked.
Russia was barely listening. He nodded absently. He was still staring at Oleg with the fascination that all Nations had for humans.
"So what's the problem?" Estonia asked.
"Your human could prove useful," Russia said to Prussia.
"So what's the problem?" Estonia tried again. And wondered whether he should just keep asking.
Russia suddenly took hold of all of them and ushered them down a staircase into what must be the staff kitchen.
"He's dead!" He said.
"Who?"
Russia nodded upstairs.
"Who?" Said someone again.
But Estonia and Lithuania (who was actually feeling a little high on pain meds) were slowly getting the gist.
"Oh. My. God." Lithuania said in a Poland-ish dramatic way.
"Firstly, where are the staff?" Estonia said, after sitting down and trying to think of the ramifications of them being there in this particular house at this particular time.
"I sent them into town to buy donuts."
"Donuts? You can't buy donuts in Moscow!" Prussia said.
"I know! Genius eh?" Russia replied.
"Who's dead?" Latvia said.
"It gives us time at least…" Estonia said.
"Secondly, we need a maid to go in and take him his tea," Russia said. Estonia nodded.
"Secondly? What was the firstly?" Prussia said.
"Who's dead?" Latvia said again. "And whose tea?"
"Thirdly, we need a doctor." Russia said.
"You need a doctor. A bloody head doctor," Prussia said.
"This is Comrade Stalin's house," Oleg said to Latvia.
Latvia looked at him and he looked back at her and they both screamed.
"Is that who's dead?" Prussia said.
"Da," Russia said.
"Hell yeah!" Prussia did a little victory dance.
"I think." Russia added.
Prussia stopped dancing abruptly.
"You don't know?" Estonia looked horrified.
"Nyet. He didn't look well though."
"Oh God."
"So I thought if we send a maid in to check on him and then say he is poorly and then we send in a doctor who declares him dead…"
"You didn't send anyone away did you?" Estonia said.
"Nyet. They ran away. Everyone did. Apart from his guards."
"Okay… let me think…" Estonia sat thinking.
"I'm not dressing up as a maid," Toris suddenly said and then fell silent.
"Neither am I!" Latvia said.
"You can't call shotgun on something like this!" Prussia said.
"He can be the doctor," Russia said pointing at Oleg.
"Me? But I'm a customer services assistant!"
"This is Soviet Union. There is no customer services." Russia told him.
"You're not borrowing my hostage for your nefarious scheme," Prussia said to Russia.
Russia went up and loomed over the Prussian. "Wut?"
"I'll be the doctor," Prussia said. "I can do fancy dress."
"Good," Russia said and threw a dress at him.
"I'm not dressing as a woman! This isn't the bloody war!" He added and then stopped to think about what he'd just said.
"Eh?"
"Did I say that out loud?" Prussia said.
"I need to go…" Oleg said and tried to head back up the stairs.
"You can dress as the lady instead if you want!" Russia shouted after him. "Somebody help me?" He said to the Baltics.
Toris, who felt as if everything had slowed to a stop, was making tea and spilling most of it. He shrugged. "Woman… man… what does it matter anymore? We'll probably be dead or worse by evening. Or in a disco…". He then added vodka to the tea.
"I don't think he should have taken that Migraleve," Estonia said, looking at Lithuania worriedly.
Estonia and Latvia, neither whom wanting to be the doctor who pronounced Stalin dead, grabbed Oleg and pulled him back. "We'll let you go after this. We promise." Estonia said.
"Oh ja! Great! What about me! Nobody cares about what I want!" Prussia said, "and I'm not wearing that maid's uniform. Where did you get it anyway?" He added to Russia.
"That skirt does not suit him," Latvia said.
Russia shrugged. "I don't know. Germans are funny people…"
They were all stood down the hallway from Stalin's bedroom and kept looking around the corner so they had a good view of the door and the KGB officers at guard. Prussia, carrying a tray and wearing a maid's uniform swaggered in his usual Prussian way towards them.
"I also think we should have got a proper doctor," Latvia whispered to the others.
"Weren't you listening to anything we said or what's been going on? He chased everyone away and anyway most doctors are too scared to go near Stalin and also we don't want a bloody real doctor going in there and saying he's had his head ripped off by Bozo here," Estonia hissed at her, careful to make sure Russia, who had his back to them, couldn't hear.
"I didn't rip his head off," Russia said.
"We are all going to die here," Lithuania said and slid down the wall, his eyes glazed.
Estonia took the vodka from him. "Nobody is going to die today," he said. He didn't sound too sure.
"Apart from Stalin!" Russia said a little too loudly.
Latvia frowned at Estonia who frowned back.
"Here goes… Honestly I can't think that he's going to get away with that." Latvia said.
"I don't know. Bandy legs, stubble, red eyes. He looks like all the Russian women I've met," Estonia whispered.
Amazingly, it worked. The guards stepped aside and Prussia entered the dictator's bedroom.
"He should really pull those tights up. He looks like a right idiot," Latvia said.
"What do you know eh, young Latvia?" Russia asked, turning to her. Latvia had nothing to say about that.
They waited in silence and then Prussia came back out. To be fair, his acting had been quite good. He must have learnt something from that amateur dramatics thing he was in with France and Italy at one time back in the 18th Century or something. Nobody would ever get over their production of Hamlet. He came down the corridor with his usual swagger and then hurried back and said to the guards. "Need to get a doctor alright mate?" Changing his pitch half way through to something more 'lady-like' and sounding like he'd got something caught in a zip.
He then swaggered back to them.
"This blouse is itchy," he said when came back to them.
Russia shoved Oleg out. "Go."
"Me?"
"Does he look dead?" Estonia hissed at Prussia.
"Who?"
"Stalin of course! Who do you think I meant? My Aunt Petunia?"
"Do you have an Aunt Petunia?" Prussia asked.
"No! Well?" Estonia asked him.
"God yes. Dead as Austria's sense of humour. Dead as a doornail. The deadest dead guy I've ever seen. An ex-dictator." Prussia said with relish.
"Name?" The guards were asking Oleg.
"Erm Doctor… erm…"
"Zhivago!" Latvia hissed at him.
"Zhivago!" Oleg said nervously.
They frowned but let him in.
He was barely in two minutes before he re-emerged, shaking, pale-faced and looking as if he were going to faint.
"It's good, da?" Russia asked him when he finally got to them without falling down.
"He's alive!" Oleg said.
"No way." Latvia said.
"God! Call yourself a doctor!" Prussia said.
"No I didn't."
"Well who did?"
"He did," Oleg said and pointed at Russia.
"I was sure of it… Ah well," Russia said.
"What do you mean 'ah well'?" Lithuania said.
Prussia considered this. Struck a match on his shoe, lit a cigarette and then said, "Wow. Well see you all later. I'm off." He said and started walking off.
Russia grabbed him and pulled him back. "Not so fast little Gilbert. You are going to help us."
"Oh God…" Oleg and Toris both groaned.
"Now what do we do?" Latvia asked.
"The sensible thing would be to telephone Bulganin or Molotov or Malenkov." Estonia said.
So they didn't.
"He looks dead," Latvia said.
"I know, right?" Prussia said.
"I think he's dead," Russia agreed.
"He's breathing! You can see his chest moving." Estonia pointed out.
"Does anyone have any vodka left?" Lithuania asked.
"Have you drunk all my vodka?" Russia asked him, turning on him and shaking the Baltic Nation roughly.
"Nooooooo," Toris said and fell over and stayed down.
"I bet his migraine is better." Latvia observed.
"Why?" Russia asked.
"Because he's on the floor!" Prussia said.
"I hope he's not dead!" Russia said and went through the seven stages of grief whilst he thought about Lithuania being dead.
"He's just unconscious. I think he's over-tired." Estonia said.
They were all stood in Stalin's bedroom. Estonia had got rid of the guards by giving them money. That was all it took.
Stalin did not look well it had to be said. He was laid on the floor next to his bed. He had a look on his face of such horror and terror that Latvia couldn't bear to look at him. Although she did. Because to be honest, it was nice to see that such a terrible man had had such a terrible time of it.
"Why does he look so scared?" Latvia finally said.
Russia shifted from foot to foot and didn't answer.
"Were you demoning again?" Prussia asked him.
"Might have," Russia answered.
Estonia and Latvia exchanged looks. Oleg trembling, asked, "So we call a doctor and leave?"
"We can't just leave! Are you mad?" Estonia said.
"Well no but…"
Prussia shook his head, "You're just a human. What would you know?" He said to Oleg which made the poor customer services advisor look confused.
"We need to get him into that bed and then call a doctor." Estonia said.
"I'm not touching him," Latvia said. "Yuck."
"Well I'm not!" Prussia agreed.
"And neither am I." Oleg said.
"Oh my God!" Estonia said, exasperated.
Russia bent down and scooped Stalin up and then promptly dropped him back on the floor. "He slipped…" he said to Estonia but he had a horrid evil look in his eyes.
Estonia closed his eyes for a minute. "Right I suggest you keep a look out, Sir," Estonia told Russia, who ambled out, came back in, took the vodka bottle from Toris and then left. They waited in case he came back in, he didn't. "Latvia you and erm.. whatever his name is, take the head…"
"His name's erm… what is your name?" Prussia asked the human.
"Oleg."
"That's not cool. From henceforth in you will be called 'Fred'."
"Like Frederick the Great?" Latvia asked.
Prussia thought about this. "Actually no, you're right Latty, he's going to be called Steve."
"He doesn't look like a Steve."
"Neither do you."
"Neither do you."
"What?"
"I'll take the feet with Gilbert." Estonia said.
"No way am I touching his feet! Absolutely not!"
"Then take his head!" Estonia said.
"No way! He's looking at me!"
"He is not looking at you! Stop being such a baby!" Latvia said.
"A baby would not get involved with this," Prussia said.
"Look the sooner we do this then the sooner we can all go home," Estonia told him.
"I mean can't we get idiot features to do it?" Prussia said and nodded to the door where Russia had gone.
"No, he'll drop him again or bash his head or something…"
And these were all things that the Baltics and 'Steve' and Prussia did.
"This way, no! To me, to you, to you, to me…Oh no, keep his head up!" Estonia ordered them at various intervals.
Stalin's head went crash into the bedside table twice - first by accident, the second not by accident. Then Prussia dropped the dictator's feet so he could scratch his head and adjust his skirt, which meant 'Steve' also dropped them and then Latvia let go as well.
"He smells!" Latvia shouted - again - as she dropped the dictator on his head.
"Oh my God! Of course he smells. He's an old man who's ill and evil and…" Estonia tried to drum up a tiny sliver of sympathy for the man who had threatened them all with a gulag dozens of times. "He's probably had to put up with the boss for hours before this."
"What do you think happened, Ed?" Latvia asked Estonia whilst they took breather in between dropping the Soviet boss.
"I think…" Estonia began to say.
"He was petrified to death!" Toris suddenly said, sitting up.
"Toris!" Latvia breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad you're okay! You can help!"
Toris promptly fell back down into a dead swoon.
"Oh well."
"What a sponge!" Prussia said. "Right I'm ready. Come on Steve, get your end up and let's do this!"
And they did. Finally. Get the body onto the bed.
"Sorted!" Estonia said with some satisfaction. "I think…" he was about to say something else when the door burst open and they all screamed.
It was Russia. "Did you manage it?" Russia came over and stood with them and gazed down at his boss who was still in a rictus of agony/terror and had not moved a muscle.
"He looks odd. Where's his head?" He said.
"What do you mean?" Gilbert said.
Estonia said, "He's upside down!"
"Oh well," Russia said as if this could not possibly be helped.
They all stared at the body, his feet resting on the pillows, his head at the foot of the bed.
"We could turn him round?" Latvia said.
"I don't see the point to be honest," Prussia said.
Russia nodded at this. "Although I suppose when the doctor comes he'll wonder where the head is. I know I would."
"His head's there!" Latvia said, pointing at it.
"Da, but a silly doctor might not realise that." Russia said.
"They'd have to be a really rubbish doctor."
"Like this human here?" Russia said looking at Oleg. "Anyway, Khrushchev, Malenkov, Zhukov and the gang are on their way."
"Oh bloody hell. We need to get out of here," Estonia said. "Quick, let's put him the right way round and scarper."
But there was no time. They could hear voices in the hallway - it sounded like Stalin's No. 2 out there - Georgy Malenkov (who Russia called Fat Georgie - ignoring the fact that he himself was no lightweight) with 'Nicky' Khrushchev and Georgy Zhukov (whose booming voice was ordering the guards to go and get the kettle on).
They all froze and looked at one another.
"What are the chances of them being understanding of us being here?" Latvia whispered.
"Precisely none," Prussia said. "Especially me."
"What did you tell them, boss?" Estonia whispered to Russia.
"I told them I thought Stalin was looking a bit poorly but might be dead and he might have been murdered by somebody." Russia told them.
"Aaaaargh!"
They ran around a bit panicking. Until Prussia threw himself under the bed, got back out and pulled his hostage with him.
"I can hear Zhukov!" Latvia said before Prussia pulled her down with him.
"Idiot!" He whispered.
"It is though!" She said. "I might get his autograph." She added to Prussia.
"He hates me," Prussia said with some satisfaction.
Latvia didn't answer that.
Estonia was shoving the still unconscious Lithuania into a closet (with Russia's help) when the doorknob began turning. Estonia had a massive panic and spun round in circles and then was shoved towards a window by Russia.
"The window won't open!" Estonia hissed.
Russia frowned and then closed the curtains - which thankfully came to the floor. He then reopened them and said to Estonia, "Stay there and keep quiet! This should be fun!" and then closed them again with a swish just as Khrushchev, Malenkov, and Zhukov came into the room. They were the three top men in the Soviet Union at that time and they were probably as nervous, if not more so, than the Baltics.
Apart from Zhukov of course whose brash loud voice boomed into the room. "Now then, Vanya! How are you doing?" And clapped Russia on the back. Russia grinned at him.
Estonia always thought Zhukov reminded him of England's son Yorkshire, not in looks (they were total opposite in looks and also Zhukov didn't carry a Yorkshire Terrier around in his coat), but in mannerisms - incessantly rude, brash and treated everyone like an absolute moron.
Latvia thought he was great. The only person close to a celebrity in the Soviet Union at that time.
Russia said to Zhukov, "I'm okay. I think Comrade Stalin might be dead."
The other three men all looked at their boss (Stalin, not Russia). "Why's he upside down in bed?" One of them said.
Latvia, under the bed could just see Russia's massive size 14 army boots and had an urge to tweak his toes. But didn't.
"Well I think that might be how he died. Maybe he fell over?" Russia said.
"Fell over in bed?" One of the men said.
One of the others leaned over and put their hand over the Soviet Leader's mouth. "He's breathing!" He said.
"Oh wow!" Russia said unconvincingly.
They all stepped back.
Prussia, who was lying between Latvia and 'Steve/Oleg' under the bed had been picking at the stitching on his apron. "Well, the boss needs acting lessons," he whispered to Latvia.
"Shush!" She said.
'Nicky' Khrushchev who was in the middle of rehearsing his speech as new leader, stopped dead. "You're joking!"
"Aren't you glad that our glorious leader and father of the nation is alive?" Malenkov said.
"He's not my dad!" Russia said. "My dad was General…" he didn't get to finish as he was interrupted by Malenkov.
"This is a terrible thing," Malenkov said.
"Yes it is," Khrushchev said. "I thought he was bloody dead." He added under his breath.
"So did I," Russia said and winked at him.
"Mr Russia. We should perhaps talk about what would happen in the event the worst has indeed happened?" Khrushchev said.
"You mean if we can't get Prussia out of that dress?" Russia blurted out.
"What?" Zhukov said.
"What?" Russia replied.
"Right! I'm taking charge. As Chief of the General Staff. We need to get a doctor here now," Zhukov said.
"If that's the case, do you think we could get some sandwiches?" Russia said.
"Doctor?" Prussia whispered. "Blimey. I think it's too late for that. You'd need to electro-shock him back to life."
"Don't make me go out there!" Steve/Oleg whispered to Prussia.
But it was too late. Russia bent down, winked at Latvia (who blushed) and pulled Steve/Oleg out from under the bed.
"Aaargh!" The poor customer services assistant cried.
"That's MY hostage!" Prussia hissed. "Latvia! Tell him that's my hostage and they can't have him."
"Ooooh look it's Doctor… erm Zhivago," Russia said. He then grinned at remembering the made-up name.
"Why were you under the bed?" Malenkov asked the poor man.
"I don't know. I really don't. I was at the Airport…"
"Ah! About to defect eh?"
"No I worked there!" Oleg said.
"As a doctor?"
"Well…" the poor man realised the danger he was in.
"He was a customer services assistant!" Russia said. He said this as if it were the most important job in the world.
Zhukov looked impressed. "Do you have any medals?" He asked Oleg. He himself had a ridiculous chest-full.
"Well I got Employee of the Month Award." Oleg said, shaking with fear.
Russia's eyes widened. "That's amazing. Can I get that?" He asked Malenkov.
"If Comrade Stalin is sadly passed away and I get to be leader, then yes."
"Oh wow!" Russia turned and looked at the body of their comrade. "He really doesn't look like he's going to last the rest of the day," he said with relish.
"And you're a doctor as well?" Khrushchev asked the poor man.
"Well…"
"Da he is!" Russia said. "I said so, so it must be true."
Oleg thought about it and looked at the weird tall man with the purple eyes who had been staring at him. He couldn't decide whether he was in a more precarious position than when he was the hostage to the man with the white hair and red eyes who spoke Russian in a German accent.
"We need to get him the right way up before we pronounce his death… I mean er tell the rest of the Presidium that he's unwell," Malenkov said.
There followed much the same as before but possibly even more incompetence if that was possible where Stalin's head was banged against the headboard with such force it would have been amazing if he'd still been alive at this point. Russia punched the Soviet Leader several times whilst nobody was looking. It didn't matter, Russia didn't like his boss and thought he was a cruel despot and also hadn't shared his vodka which was a complete travesty.
"Right! You!" Khrushchev said, pointing at Oleg. "Pronounce him dead. I mean er alive but not quite alive." He said as they laid the Soviet leader the right way round - which was a small improvement on the Baltics' efforts.
"Well I'm not really a doctor," Oleg finally whispered.
Prussia and Latvia all looked at each other in alarm.
"Wow, I never knew that," Prussia whispered.
"You bloody kidnapped him!" Latvia pointed out.
"Calm down. You're such a wet lettuce! I forgot, okay?"
"What a moron," Latvia whispered.
"I did do a First Aid at Work course though," Oleg was saying.
Russia looked suitably impressed at this. "Right, so do you think he's poorly?"
"Yes," Oleg said.
"I'm going to go and make some phone calls," Khrushchev said. "Stay with him everyone."
They all followed him out. Apart from the Baltics and Prussia and Oleg. Prussia and Latvia climbed out from under the bed and Estonia stepped out from behind the curtains.
"That's a shit hiding place, Estonia you big wet-head."
"I had no choice!" Estonia retorted.
Prussia ignored him and poked Stalin's body. "Guy looks dead." He said.
Stalin suddenly made a groaning noise and they all leapt into the air.
And then the door opened and they all jumped again.
It was Russia. "Privet!" He said cheerily. "He's not well is he? Comrade Khrushchev is calling everyone and saying he has had a stroke. Which I think sounds rude. Does he mean…?"
"No!" Estonia said quickly.
"What?" Latvia asked.
"Nothing. Don't worry about it."
"Gross," Prussia said.
"Can I go back to work now?" Oleg asked.
"No way, man. You're my ticket out of here!" Prussia said.
"Honestly he's not," Latvia said.
"You'll never leave," Russia said ominously.
They all gulped.
"Now what?" Estonia said. "We really need to be getting out of here."
They all looked at each other.
"I need to get my clothes back," Prussia said.
"Well you do really but you know that dress suits you," Latvia said.
"Ja? Well I bet I look better in a dress than you!" Prussia said. "And if you tell anyone I said that, I'll have to kill you."
Russia growled at him.
Latvia laughed at him. "Yeah you wish!"
There were voices outside the door and they all looked at each other in horror.
"Quick all of you, out of the window!" Estonia hissed, opening the window and shoving Latvia out.
"In this skirt? I don't think so!" Prussia said.
Oleg tried to follow Estonia and Latvia but was pulled back by Russia.
"That's my hostage! Get off him and get your own!" Prussia hissed at him.
Russia was about to argue back when the door opened and Malenkov and Zhukov came back in just as Estonia and Latvia dropped to the ground outside the window. (Thankfully the bedroom was on the ground floor - which was lucky as they hadn't even checked.)
"Where's Nicky?" Russia asked. (Meaning Khrushchev - a name the said man absolutely hated being called.)
"I told him to get some tea," Zhukov said. He then turned to Prussia. "Well, hello! You're a cheeky little thing aren't you?" He said and to Russia's utter amazement, squeezed the Prussian's bottom.
Prussia was about to hit the big Russian General but missed as Zhukov turned back to Stalin's prone body. "Has he woke up yet?" The General asked.
Russia's mouth was stuck on 'open' and he shook his head.
Zhukov shook the now ex Soviet Leader roughly by the shoulders and slapped him several times. "Seems dead to me. That would have woken Ivan the Terrible eh?" He yelled. (He was like Denmark and had a big mouth.)
Russia nodded, still dumbstruck at Zhukov thinking Prussia was a girl.
Outside the window Estonia and Latvia were staring at each other in horror. "We left Lithuania behind!" Latvia hissed at her fellow Baltic.
There was a corresponding groan from the wardrobe.
"What's that?" Malenkov said.
"Just my stomach," Russia said - taking a hint from Estonia's helpful mimes from the window.
The phone rang and they all jumped and then shoved each other around. "You answer." "No! You answer!" "No I'm not in charge. You answer!"
"I'll answer it!" Russia said, breaking out of his trance.
It was too late. Prussia swaggered to the phone. Shoved them all out of the way and answered it in his best girlish voice.
"Ja? I mean da? Privet, Comrade Stalin Little Ball's residence. Gil… I mean Gillian speaking." He listened. "Kesese!" He laughed and then turned to the rest of the waiting Russians and ushered them out. "Private call for Braginski," he said.
"Da?" Russia answered the phone tentatively.
"YO! Heard on the grapevine from my secret service dudes that dude Stalin has conked out!" America yelled.
Russia held the receiver away from his ear and winced. He had absolutely no idea what the American meant. He caught 'Stalin' and that was it. He handed the receiver back to Prussia.
"Deal with this," he said. Which was a silly thing to say.
Prussia grinned and began yakking to America. "… And then I got pinched on the bum by Marshall Zhukov! That's sexual harassment in the workplace that is."
"Pssst! Boss!" Estonia hissed from the open window.
"Da?" Russia said, and stood with his back to the window and tried to look nonchalant.
"You need to get Toris out of the wardrobe," Estonia whispered to him.
"Why?" Russia said.
"Because Toris might fall out!" Estonia reminded him.
Oleg made this moment his chance to escape and edged towards the door. "You can't leave. You're our doctor!" Russia said to the poor man and dragged him back.
"But I'm not a doctor!" Oleg said for the fortieth time.
"Boss?" Estonia hissed and pointed at the wardrobe. "Toris? Rescue?" He said and mimed opening the wardrobe door to Russia.
"Oh da!" Russia said and skipped to the wardrobe, opened it, Toris fell out with a clunk and Russia manhandled him to the window and threw him out.
Estonia and Latvia tried to catch the tallest Baltic and failed.
Russia was about to throw Prussia out of the window as well when Malenkov, Khrushchev and Zhukov came back in.
Russia stopped and still holding Prussia by the scruff of his neck, said to his bosses, "I thought I heard an ice cream van!" (Usually in his house this would cause everyone to run out to look but here it didn't and he felt sad about this.)
On the telephone receiver they could hear America clearly yelling, "So what's happening dudes?"
Russia took the phone from Prussia and said, "Go away," and hung up.
"Well you're a tasty thing aren't you?" Zhukov said, sidling up to Prussia. "I'm sure I know you from somewhere though?"
"I know I know!" Russia said, his hand up in the air as if he were at school.
Estonia and Latvia looked at each other in horror. Estonia tried to get Russia's attention and threw a stone at his head and missed.
"Fixing my shed roof last week!" Russia exclaimed suddenly. "That's where you've seen him… her… him…"
"It was actually Reims, May 1945," Prussia said.
"Yes of course!" Zhukov said. (Estonia and Latvia gasped and began backing away, dragging the unconscious Lithuania with them.) "That little bar in the old town! I remember now. You were waitressing there." Zhukov added.
"I've never worked in hospitality in my life!" Prussia said indignantly.
"You used to have a fish and chip shop in Skegness," Russia said.
"What?! Of course I didn't! Who on earth have you mixed me up with?"
"Or was it Scotland who had a fish and chip shop in Glasgow?" Russia said slowly and considered this.
"Scotland? Where?" They all looked around fearfully.
"I'm having the best day! Aren't you all having the best day?" Russia asked them.
"I wish the Teutonic Knights were here," Prussia muttered and backed off.
The phone rang again. "Privet!" Russia said and then passed it again to Prussia. "It's America. He's saying something about a war. He's very silly. The war has ended. Even I know that!"
Prussia listened. "He says that some dipstick rang up their Prez and said you were going to declare war." He said.
"Why would I do that? That's just silly." Russia said.
"Who was it, man?" Prussia said into the receiver. "Honestly it's crazy here. Stalin the big puffball is dead or nearly dead. Well put it this way he ain't gonna be playing golf any time soon," Prussia said.
Khrushchev snatched the phone from him. "Hello? Is that America?" He said. His English was pretty rubbish, Russia thought.
"What is a dude?" Khrushchev asked Prussia.
"Well you're not one, that's for sure." He answered.
Russia elbowed him.
"What?" He said.
"You're a girl!" Russia hissed.
"Well you're not one that's for sure," Prussia repeated in a high-pitched voice.
"No I'm not!" Russia said.
"Moron," Prussia said to himself.
"We are not at war are we?" Russia asked Khrushchev.
"Well I haven't said anything."
"Neither have I," said Malenkov
Russia looked at Zhukov. "Well? Georgy? You didn't?"
"Look okay! I like war! I was famous! I beat Hitler." Zhukov said.
"We all did!" Khrushchev said.
Russia coughed.
"Especially Ivan. I mean you killed I don't know how many Nazi soldiers and er there was that time you got that poncy double agent out of that castle…" Khrushchev said quickly.
"That was great! I had a brilliant day out with my friends!" Russia said and beamed happily.
"I was there! It wasn't a brilliant day. That Castle was a ruin afterwards!"* Prussia said and then quickly shut up when the others looked at him. "I mean I heard about it in the Beano," Prussia said in a high-pitched girly voice.
*See Where Idiots Dare
The door was flung open and yet another actor to this mad play entered the stage.
"Coo-eee? Okay dokay, someone asked for my help?"
On first sight it was another maid - with rather good (although hairy) legs, fabulous hair and bright red lipstick. They also spoke bad Russian as if they were in pain, with a Polish accent.
"Oh my God!" Latvia murmured to Estonia.
"Where on earth has he come from?" Estonia whispered back.
"Pol?" Toris said from his prone position on the floor.
"Shut up!" Latvia hissed. "What do we do?" She asked Estonia.
Estonia shrugged. "It's out of our hands I'm afraid. All we can do is just watch."
Latvia nodded. She wished she had some popcorn.
"Oh bloody hell!" Prussia blurted out.
"Hello sweetie!" Poland said, his hands on his hips.
"Well hello there!" Zhukov said sidling up to Poland (who knew Zhukov was such a ladies' man? Russia didn't.)
"Why are you here?" Russia asked Poland brusquely.
"I'm from the temping agency," Poland said and removed Zhukov's hand from his bum. "Excuse me General you naughty boy!" He said. His far larger hand squeezing Zhukov's hand so hard the old General's eyes watered. He then slapped the Russian around the face. "Oooh don't you know I'm a lady?" He said.
"I didn't!" Russia said. "You're a man!" He said.
But nobody was listening to him.
"I like a girl with spirit." Zhukov said, holding his cheek.
"And one who can shoot a bullseye at 500 paces," Prussia muttered. "Bloody Poles."
"He looks a bit dead!" Pol said looking at Stalin's prone body.
The dictator twitched and Pol poked him.
"Are you a nurse as well?" Khrushchev asked.
"As well as what?" Pol asked him.
"A maid…"
"Oh yeah… right… honestly honey I've done all sorts. I was once a cabaret singer in Berlin in the War."
"Really?" Russia said, his eyes wide.
"No! And tell your idiot General here to keep his hands to himself."
Zhukov pulled Russia to one side and said, "I think I'm in love."
"That's your fault," Russia said.
"But I'm not sure with which one."
"Which one what?"
"Which maid. They're both so beautiful."
Russia looked from Poland to Prussia and then back. One was trying to pull up his tights that were falling down (Prussia) and the other was adjusting his false boobs (Poland was nothing if not a professional).
"I don't know what to tell you but I do think you should get an eye test," Russia said. Even he could tell they were men. And he sometimes had problems telling the difference. For a start one of them had stubble.
Latvia and Estonia, both peering over the windowsill watched with a mixture of fascination and horror as Poland prodded Stalin.
"Defo dead." He said. "In fact, I'd say this dictator is an ex-dictator. He will no longer dictate." While Poland said this he slapped Stalin several times around the head. He then added, "He left Kaliningrad to me in his will." He then quickly sidestepped Russia's fist.
Prussia looked appalled. "Yer what?"
"Pol?" Lithuania said appearing at the windowsill.
"Liet!" Pol, mindful of his skirt climbed over the windowsill and joined the Lithuanian and they fell to the ground together.
"Who's he?" Zhukov asked, completely confused.
"I need to lie down," Steven/Oleg said.
"You can keep your hands off him. He's mine!" Russia said. In this case we can surmise Russia was talking about Lithuania and not Prussia's hostage.
"Look we need to sort this out!" Malenkov said and pointed at the telephone receiver in his hand. "Apparently Zhukov has declared war on America."
"Look it's a hobby of mine okay? What else do I do? I have no other interests," Zhukov said and then burst into tears on Prussia's shoulder.
"Oh God!" Prussia said.
"Come on, let's go. I came when I heard that you all needed rescuing," Poland whispered to the Baltics and began pulling them away. "My own secret agents have been keeping Stalin under observation and we got this…" he pressed play on a recording device and they heard Stalin arguing with someone and then a horrid shriek of terror.
"Who was he talking to?" Latvia asked as they hurried across the lawn.
"Well who indeed?" Poland said and tossed a look behind them. Russia was grinning demonically at Stalin's body at that particular moment.
"You're so clever!" Lithuania said slurring.
"I know, honey."
"And to think of that disguise as well!" Latvia said.
"What disguise?" Poland asked.
"Well… Oh I see…Okay." Latvia said.
"Shouldn't we wait for Prussia?" Estonia asked.
"Why? He'll be okay. He's got his very own hostage!" Poland said.
"But what was all that about a war?" Latvia said.
"Oh okay! I see I'm going to have to save the world again!" Poland said grumpily. He turned back. "Hang on. No. Let Russia do it this time." He strode off in his maid's uniform. "Come on! Keep up!" He yelled.
Russia picked up the telephone receiver, braced his big shoulders and said, "Privet, America!"
"Private? Private America? I'm a Lieutenant Colonel of the US Air Force!" America yelled down the phone.
Russia gave the phone to Prussia. "Speak to him. He gives me a headache."
"Yo Alfred yer big wet cheesecake!" Prussia yelled.
Russia laid down next to Stalin's body and covered his eyes with his Army cap. "I have a migraine," he said. "Where is Toris?"
"Tell America I did not mean it. I did not mean to declare war," Zhukov said to Prussia.
"Yo Alfie! Big fat Georgy didn't mean to declare war. Ja I know! He's such a klutz," Prussia said, trying to sound like a girl but actually failing because honestly, he was Prussian.
"Who is this?" America yelled back.
Oleg/Steve tried to head out of the door whilst these 'peace negotiations' were going on but was halted by Malenkov who stopped him saying, "So are you going to pronounce our dear Leader dead?"
Steve/Oleg nodded and wrote quickly on a piece of paper, 'мертвый'*
*Dead
Malenkov shoved Steve/Oleg out of the door and turned to Khrushchev, "I call shotgun!"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm Leader now!"
"It doesn't work like that!"
"It certainly does." He said and they both headed out of the door at the same time, got jammed in the doorway and argued as they left.
"I AM bloody Gilbert! For God's sake Alfred I'm putting on this girlie voice because I'm dressed as a maid!" Prussia yelled down the phone.
"Oh my God, I fancy a German!" Zhukov said and went outside with his pistol and they heard a shot.
"Well, one less Russian," Prussia muttered and then said to Stalin's body, "Too soon?"
Outside, Poland and the Baltics had driven off in the big Zil limousine belonging to Khrushchev and were saluted by the two dopey guards on duty. In the rear view mirror Poland could see Zhukov trying to shoot himself in the head and failing. He shrugged.
"Warsaw here we come!" Poland yelled.
"Well… we can't really can we?" Estonia said. "Russia will hunt us down and you don't really want him in Warsaw do you?"
"God no. Such a pain in the backside. Honestly, Latty sweetie," Poland said, actually turning round in the driver's seat and talking to Latvia. "This is why nobody invites Braginski to parties."
Lithuania who was slowly coming round from the amount of painkillers and vodka he'd consumed sat up bolt upright, "Mr Russia! The Boss!" He said.
"We have to go back to Leningrad, Pol," Estonia said.
"I know I know. But it was fun while it lasted."
"What about Gilbert?" Latvia asked.
"He's got that hostage. He'll be fine. If he had any sense he would use him to escape back to Germany."
Gilbert had a lot of things but sense was not one of them. He strutted out of the door, having saved the world from nuclear war (America was still yelling down the phone 'who is this?'). He had thought about shaving Russia's head and possibly drawing a moustache on him but thought better of it and grabbed Oleg/Steve and put the nearest thing to hand to the poor man's head.
"Do as I say and you won't get hurt," Prussia said.
"But that isn't even a gun!" Steve/Oleg said.
"No! It's far more dangerous!" Prussia said and hailed a KGB car. "Take me to the airport and step on it or this customer services assistant who is pretending to be a doctor will be banana'd!" He yelled to the driver.
"Is banana'd even a thing?" The KGB officer asked. He was bored, had heard rumours that the big boss was possibly dead and was now being held up by a man in drag.
"Ja!" Prussia said.
The KGB Officer looked him up and down. "You don't look like a maid!"
"Don't you oppress me!" Prussia retorted. "Bloody KGB," he muttered, jumping in the car.
"Can you get us tickets for Bonn?" He then said to Oleg/Steve.
"I don't know."
"Good enough for me." Prussia said. "Step on it, Officer! Or the kid gets it!"
The KGB Officer shrugged and they drove away. At least he would get home early from his shift.
"Kesese!" Prussia laughed demonically. "Steve, I'm a bloody hero!" He told Oleg/Steve.
"My name is not Steve! Oh what's the point?"
"None I'd say," said the KGB officer in a rare show of humour.
The next day after a lot of drinking, driving (the first done by Pol, the latter by Estonia),
Polska, Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania all sat around Russia's kitchen table reading the paper and noting with the interest the headlines:
'DEAR LEADER RESTING AT HIS DACHA, LEADERSHIP DENIES ILLNESS' (Latvia muttered, "Resting? The guy was half dead! Dead as a doornail, dead as a dodo, dead as Mr Germany's sense of humour.")
The newspaper article went on to say that Comrade Stalin had suffered from a severe shock the evening before (Polska said that he'd have had a shock if he'd had to play chess with Russia) but was now recovering. There was absolutely nothing true in the rumours that the leader was dead or that Malenkov (who is absolutely not called 'fat Georgy'), Khrushchev nor Zhukov (who has absolutely not absconded with a man in a dress) are the new Leaders of the Soviet Union.
The other headline was 'MAN POSING AS MAID SOUGHT BY POLICE IN HOSTAGE SITUATION AT AIRPORT'. The article read as:
'A man is sought by Moscow Police for an incident at Moscow Airport where the individual attempted to gain visas to leave the glorious Soviet Union to board a plane to Germany. The perpetrator took a customer services assistant (un-named and currently in a Psychiatric Hospital) hostage and attempted to force officials to give him visas and a plane ticket to Bonn by threatening the hostage with a banana. The man is described as middle height, middle-aged, white unruly hair, red eyes, wearing a maid's outfit and having a distinctive German accent and demonic laugh. Witnesses claimed he told them he was 'The Awesome Prussia'. A Police spokesman said that there is no record of anybody of this name with a criminal record and are continuing their enquiries. If anyone has any information they are encouraged to call Moscow Police.'
Polska read this aloud and jumped up and ran to the phone, he was stopped by Lithuania from ringing the number in the paper.
A further new story appeared on page 4 - 'DECORATED WAR HERO IN HOSPITAL AFTER UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT WITH PISTOL'. 'Decorated war hero, General Zhukov, the scourge of the German forces, is recovering in a Moscow Hospital today after his pistol accidentally discharged itself. The famed General, Hero of the Soviet Union, denied that he had attempted suicide after an unsuccessful liaison with a German cross-dresser. His spokesperson, a General Ivan Braginski, told our reporter that 'Zhukov was a very silly person and although it was silly of him to fall for Gilbert, it was really nobody else's business. As for him attempting to shoot himself in the head that was silly as well and if he'd have succeeded he (the spokesman) would have chased Zhukov through the depths of hell to recover his gambling winnings.'
"Interesting." Was all Estonia could say.
"What?" Latvia said, utterly confused.
"We'll explain it all later, Latvia," Lithuania said with a sigh.