It was not very difficult to believe it as time began passing and no news of Kurama arrived, neither through Yuusuke nor through any other contacts of Hiei's. The world kept moving, there was a new day and a new night and a new day except none of them felt new and Hiei always felt empty. The emptiness was what broke him in the end, pierced through the haze of denial and whacked him up the head. Kurama was gone. For the past eight months he had done everything he had, not to survive but to survive with Kurama and with him gone… that wasn't going to fucking happen.

He went to work, he came back home, he thought of his sister and the closest thing he had had to a lover. He never really cried and he ought to have. Hiei was a volcano of passion, always bubbling with fiery emotions, always had been. He never cried though, he had not a tear to spare. He punched his walls on some night, imagined they were Yomi but mostly that they were Kurama. It always left him feeling like he had pissed on the man's grave and he did it again. Then, he went to sleep, he woke up, he went to work, he came back home and thought of his sister and the closest thing he had had to a lover.

He didn't think anything was ever going to change but the something did.

The contractor he was working under took an interest in him. Hiei let her fuck him. She was an old widow, with no children and no one to leave her tiny, but wealthy, empire to, all too used to being fawned over and flirted with. She was drawn to Hiei's standoffishness. So, he let her fuck him and rose through the ranks. He finished his last year in school, all thanks to his new sugar mama's money and applied for a consolidated degree in business administration and law.

He didn't know why he did that. He had never fucking imagined he would.

Yuusuke called him, regularly. He sent him pictures and videos of Yukina who, two years later, was happily engaged to Kuwabara. She had landed a scholarship in med school and was studying to become a nurse. Hiei couldn't be more proud of her and of Kuwabara. The fucking buffoon loved her. He loved her so much and he had already proven he could protect her better than Hiei ever had.

He didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the Kurama of before, which was surprising in itself. He'd have thought his brain would do all it could to erase the period of his captivity and for the most part that was true. Details started fading away over the months, little by little. He couldn't remember the colour of the room anymore, or what the utensil he had used to hurl piss at Yomi actually was. He remembered the figures on his ceiling though and he remembered Kurama.

He remembered his smile and his eyes and how he had kissed Hiei like he was doing it for the last time. Turns out, he was. If Hiei had know he's have done it all differently. He'd have ripped Kurama's clothes off and taken him there and then or he'd have stopped Kurama before he could kiss him and asked him what his favourite colour was and if he liked nattou at all. Maybe he'd have dragged Kurama kicking and screaming along with him.

He didn't though and so he hadn't.

Now, he was alone.

Except for his sugar mama and his classmates and his landlord and his maid servant and the bartender at the club he always visited.

He fucked the man sometimes.

The guy had long red hair.

…

The most difficult thing was learning to deal with the mess that he'd made of their lives back in Japan.

If only he hadn't stepped into the crime world… If only he hadn't felt compelled to chase those dangerous highs…

He didn't think that was very fair to younger Hiei though. The first time he took a knife to someone's throat and demanded they handed over all their cash was because Yukina was starving and their parents were dead and nobody had told them the government had policies to help with things like these. All he had known was he had always been strong. All he had known was Yukina was starving.

What came after that was entirely his fault though. He could've quit while he was ahead before he got spotted, before he carved a name for himself. He got addicted though and soon enough, Yukina's tears weren't enough to rattle his heart. He plunged through the mire with no way of coming out on the other end and no direction in mind.

He just liked the feeling and it put food on the table. Who cared about school? Who cared about a pesky sister who couldn't do better than cry and blame him?

He didn't care. Not till the day she slapped the shit out of him.

He had been drunk that evening and she'd had enough.

To watch Yukina break like that… when Hiei thought about it now, all these years later, he couldn't help but compare it to how him breaking had rattled Kurama into action.

Turned out Kurama was more self-sacrificing than Hiei though, and stupider too.

They could've made it work. They could've left together.

Hiei would've suffered Karasu if that meant they could have left together.

The truth of that errant thought rattled Hiei for days.

Hiei didn't think he loved Kurama. He didn't think Kurama loved him.

They had come pretty fucking close though.

…

Semester two had just ended and Hiei had received a letter, found it shoved into his bag actually but… potatoes-tomatoes.

Hiei picked it up and sniffed it and the girl who sat next to him in class gave him a weird look. He lifted a brow and she rolled her eyes before looking away.

Hiei didn't open it at school. He waited till he got home. It was a love letter.

Hiei laughed.

He laughed so much his stomach hurt.

Then, he cried…

… and set the letter on fire.

…

"And you're sure they don't want any money?" Hiei asked down the line.

He could hear Yuusuke roll his eyes in the huff that he let out next.

"Yeah, yeah I am fucking sure. I meet them everyday. They have a membership at the tennis club and they come out for karaoke nights every weekend. They're doing fine. Just because your girlfriend is swimming in it doesn't mean the rest of us are beggars."

Hiei knew that. What he didn't know was what else he could ever offer to Yukina.

"She's not my girlfriend." Was all he said.

Yuusuke hummed.

"You have been fucking her for how long now?" He asked.

"She pays me for it."

"Make her pay for therapy too, then. I keep telling you you need it."

"I am fine, Yuusuke."

Yuusuke hummed. In the background, Hiei could hear the noisy whirring of his faulty AC and Keiko screaming at something.

"Do you have to go?" He asked.

"Nah. It's just the cat. Snuck out again the lil bastard."

"Weren't you two looking to get a dog?"

It was in that moment, that simple, unremarkable moment, that Hiei realised if he hadn't had Yuusuke he might not have come this far.

Yuusuke was saying something about their lease not allowing dogs, something about one too many pitbull fatalities and a resultant ban on all dog breeds in the apartments. Hiei was only paying enough attention to not look like an asshole when it came to him to reply.

"Anyways it's been three years since we met now. Four years since you disappeared."

'Disappeared' had become their words. Taken was too sexual, abducted too dirty almost as if that wasn't what had happened.

Kurama's death seemed to have softened his sins. There was nothing Hiei won't forgive him now.

Hiei grunted in agreement.

"It might not be that dangerous if you were to come around now."

Hiei felt an exhausted sigh escape him as he fell back on his bed, his pillow soft under his head in this apartment that was too big for him to ever have been able to afford all by himself, even with his new and improved position in the contracting firm.

He and Yuusuke had talked about this about a thousand times before.

"Listen, I know," Yuusuke insisted, and then proved he, in fact, didn't, when he said-

"There's been no alarming things happening around us. For years now. Since after you disappeared. Nothing has happened. I doubt it will happen now."

"I am not risking it." Hiei grunted.

"It's your call of course but I am just saying…-"

"Shut up then."

"What?"

"It's my call. So shut up."

Yuusuke sighed, probably running a hand through his hair on the other end.

"She thinks I am dead. It's better that way."

I was no good when I was alive, after all.

"She misses you."

"I am not risking it." He repeated.

He didn't think he would manage to survive another round.

…

Life went on and it was slow for a while.

He was in fourth year, interning at a hotshot firm over the summer break. He had a knack for law, as it turned out to be and that was good. It was something to think about when Kurama haunted his dreams and all he could remember was that Hiei had left him behind.

Or he had left Hiei behind. He couldn't tell which was which.

It had been five and a half years and nobody had heard a whisper about Kurama.

There was news of another kind though that interested Hiei.

Karasu had kicked it.

It was officially a heart attack but nobody on the inside seemed to believe that.

Even Yuusuke didn't and he was the most gullible fool in the entirety of this world.

Hiei didn't pay the gossip too much attention. Karasu couldn't have died soon enough for him but over the years he had only remained a spectre on the horizon, so far away from Hiei's world that he might as well have been a myth. So were the people who took Kurama away from him. Not that Hiei had had faces or names to pin onto them.

During better hours, he was glad for that. He would have ruined his life avenging a dead man if he had known whom he had to avenge him against. It was good that he hadn't been able to do that. He hadn't wasted his chance.

He couldn't help but feel a bitter coil of joy though and Hiei went out and drank himself into oblivion that night. He was glad. He didn't even know what Karasu looked like but he was glad.

Gauri, his sugar mama, noticed his glee over the next few days and gave him an indulgent smile.

"The internship going well?" She asked.

He was in too good a mood to lie to her so he went and kissed her.

He had some of the best sex of his entire life that night because he felt it. He felt her warmth and her lips and her softness and he didn't think of him and he didn't feel like shit and he didn't think of the money either.

He kissed her all over and stroked her hair till she fell asleep.

Then, he picked up his phone and called an age old number.

The time zones ought to have worked. It would have been early afternoon on her end. She would have returned from classes and would be waiting for Kuwabara before they could go jogging.

He listened to the phone ring and clutched it close to her ear till his knuckles ran white. His heart thundered in his chest and he gritted his teeth.

"Hello?"

Her voice was still the same, exactly the same.

"I missed you." He whispered down the line, voice coming out small like a child's.

Yukina's breath hitched in her throat and he heard it so clearly he could imagine she was right beside her with her fluffy hair and big red eyes and warm grins.

He smiled at nothing.

"Who is this?" She asked.

She sounded like she knew the answer to that question.

Hiei couldn't help it. He clenched his eyes shut.

"H-Hiei?" Her voice trembled.

Hiei hung up.

After five and a half years, he cried for the first time.

He cried till he woke Gauri up and she had to support him back to bed, give him water, tuck him in. He allowed her to hold him, too.

She fell in love with him that night and he made a choice.

He was going to go back to Yukina.

…

Hiei was busy trying to fix his affairs, apply for a leave at his internship centre and provide an application at his university. He didn't know exactly how his meeting with Yukina was going to go and he didn't want to drop everything and mess shit up. He had a life here, a lonely, monotonous life but one nevertheless. He couldn't throw it all to the wind till he heard from Yukina.

Especially considering she hadn't called him once since the phone call.

Which was unreasonable, he knew. He hadn't told her who he was after all. What were the chances of your brother, who disappeared all those years ago, to call you one night and not even give his name?

Hiei sighed.

Whatever it was gonna be like, he decided he liked what he had achieved in life here enough to try to preserve it.

He sorted out everything and told Gauri he didn't want to carry on anymore. She was upset and rightfully so. He promised to pay her money back and that only hurt her more. So, he told her they'd talk once he got back. He won't mind seeing her again but he didn't want her money anymore. He had been earning a good amount even within the firm, just enough to support himself. He'd take out an education loan for the last year of uni and start working to repay her.

Their goodbyes were a bit teary (on her end) and exaggerated (on his). He couldn't help it. The woman had helped her when nobody else could have.

Hiei was lounging around in his apartment one evening, two days before he was due to fly to his old home. He was bored enough and excited enough to go visit that old bar where he used to go all that time ago, with the redhaired bartender. An old, overdue goodbye, he decided. It would be nothing more. He never slept with him when he was in a good mood.

It was with that in mind that he left his house, an old, threadbare shirt haphazardly thrown on and his oldest, ripped jeans that he hadn't bothered to pack on his legs. It was the middle of monsoon but monsoon meant nothing in Jaisalmer except more humidity. He made his way to the old bar. It was in the nicer part of the town, where tourists flocked in large numbers.

Right as he went in he noticed the bartender was not his old friend. Hiei clicked his tongue, ordered himself a beer and went to take a seat at a corner table, figuring he might as well have a drink now that he was here.

There he sat, shoulders hunched, sipping beer and minding his own business when there was a light tap on his shoulder.

Hiei turned around and felt the earth slip away from beneath his feet.

…

"Yukina!" He choked out, eyes the size of saucers.

She really hadn't changed at all.

Hiei had been around for her last growth spurt it seemed. She had crimped her hair and was dressed in a skirt shorter than what Hiei had ever known she preferred. At her shoulder, Kuwabara stood, wearing a blue button down matching her blouse.

They both looked equally pissed and like they were going to cry.

"How dare you." She whispered, voice steely nevertheless.

"I-…"

"Bro, keep it shut." Kuwabara helpfully provided.

Hiei promptly shut his mouth.

"How dare you," she repeated, "Call me after all this time and then hang up just like that?! You were going to disappear again weren't you?"

She looked less like she would cry and more like she might punch him now.

"No," he couldn't help it. "I was coming to you. I- there's so much you don't know. But things were fucked up and it's just gotten safe."

"I figured that out, you asshole." Yukina was trembling. Hiei wanted to offer her a hug but didn't think it would be appreciated.

"I just-…" she closed her eyes. Kuwabara laid a hand on her shoulder and she leaned into him.

He noticed the ring on her finger. It wasn't ostentatious or overly expensive looking, just a little red stone sitting in a white gold band.

It suited her.

She seemed to leech strength off of Kuwabara and she opened her eyes again. He squeezed her shoulder.

"I know why you did it. And I am not even angry. I just- I really fucking missed you too."

Hiei only instinctively managed to open his arms and catch her as she hurled herself at him. He hugged her purely on instinct too, still disbelieving that he was even allowed to.

She sobbed in his arms, holding him close.

Hiei felt the insane urge to pinch himself and check this was all real.

However, Hiei had lived with his brain for the past five years, through the darkest spells of time, he had survived himself. If he had the power to imagine her weight and warmth next to him as accurately as he now felt them, he suspected things might have been a lot easier.

"I am sorry." He mumbled and let her hold on to him.

It didn't last for long though because the big buffoon decided to throw himself into the hug, wrapping his giant arms around the two short siblings. Hiei was worried he would be lifted right off of his chair and so he swatted Kuwabara away.

The man was full on wailing though.

"I missed you so much! I am so glad you are here! I am so happy! I missed you too much!"

Hiei sighed and resigned, he patted Kuwabara on the back.

Then, it occurred to him.

"Wait how the fuck did you find me?!"

Yukina giggled and straightened herself.

"Did fucking Yuusuke rat me out?" He demanded harshly.

"Somebody did rat you out but it wasn't Yuusuke-kun."

Yukina told him.

Hiei frowned, mind running a mile a minute.

There was no one else they knew who knew where Hiei had been.

"You are lying. You meet me after years and you are lying to me." He intoned.

"Oh shut up!" She swatted his chest. "I am not!"

"There was nobody else who could've told you." He pointed out.

"It's only been five years, Hiei. I didn't know I was so forgettable."

Hiei felt himself go completely still.

Kuwabara stepped aside and there was a man standing behind him.

Hiei's heart had launched into overdrive. That voice… that lilt… the way they said his name…

The man looked like a complete stranger to him.

The lighting was dull in his corner of the bar, the overhead LEDs barely still functional and yet the white pony tail stood out, and so did the bright yellow eyes. The man was too tall for the voice and broader too.

But when he stepped into the light, Hiei felt his breath get caught in his chest, his fingers inching towards the figure all out of their own accord.

He caught his hand mid-air.

"What the fuck?" he mumbled.

"Hello Hiei."

This man was too tall for Hiei to punch in the mouth which Kurama hadn't been.

The face however… he couldn't have forgotten the face. He could never have forgotten the face.

Even if the eyes were a different colour and his hair way too long and white like an old douche's.

"Who the fuck are you?"

The figure shrugged, lifting his shoulders in a helpless gestures. The sheepish curl of his mouth was all too familiar.

"I'll tell you if your promise to not punch me." The man offered.

He wasn't as young as he remembered Kurama to be either, which shouldn't have been a surprise. He would be twenty five now, as compared to the nineteen when Hiei had last seen him.

"I am going to punch you anyway. No matter who you are. Cause you've reminded me of the biggest asshole I ever had the misfortune of knowing and you are going to get it for that."

The man laughed.

Hiei closed his eyes, basking in the sound.

It was him.

There was no was it wasn't him.

"And in case you are him-…" Hiei trailed off. He was kinda feeling what Yukina had felt a second ago.

"In case you are him," Hiei stomped over to the man. Golden eyes melted under his stare and that all too familiar mouth lapsed into a sweet, sad, little grin that somehow pulled a smile from Hiei too.

Up close, it became all too obvious that the man wasn't such a giant as he had seemed when Hiei was sitting down.

"If you are him, then you should know I have mourned you every single day for nearly five fucking years and you owe me a lot more than a punch if that is all to be a bloody waste."

"My, Hiei," Kurama, for it was Kurama, smirked. There was softness around his eyes though that somehow seemed new and yet familiar to Hiei. "I don't believe I've ever seen you get this emotional before."

"Neither have I!" His traitor sister chirped out.

The man leaned closer to Hiei, and that perfume, that fucking perfume…

"You really did fall in love with me," Kurama whispered.

Sadly for him, he had placed himself within Hiei's range now and this new and improved Hiei was a man of his words.

…

They were sitting around the table, drinks in hand all on Hiei's tab and Kurama had an ice pack pressed to his nose which gave Hiei all the satisfaction in the world.

Which wasn't to say he had stopped glaring at Kurama.

"Oh, come off it!" Kurama cried when he noticed "You've had your punch."

"I don't know how I am ever going to get used to those lenses." Was all Hiei said in response.

Kurama smirked.

"Why, aren't I pretty?"

Hiei clicked his tongue and looked over to his sister.

"I was shipping you two from day one." She said.

Un-fucking-believable.

"My brain is going to explode." He turned to Kurama. "Did you kill Yomi?"

"Of course I did."

"Good."

Kurama smiled.

"How did you get taller?"

That sheepish look returned.

"Late growth spurt. It was very convenient though."

Hiei nodded.

"You were only nineteen."

"You didn't have any though." Kurama said.

Hiei flipped him off.

"Is the hair dye permanent?"

"It's a wig."

"Thank fuck."

"Your priorities are kinda messed up."

He glared at Kuwabara in response before turning to Kurama again.

"Could you really not fucking tell me you were alive?"

"Could you really not tell Yukina you were alive?" Kurama fired back.

"It wasn't the same." Hiei bit out.

His fingers itched to get to the man's skin.

"It was. I put everything on the line to get you out of there. I wasn't gonna put you back into danger again."

"Oh fuck you!" Hiei spat. "It wasn't fair. This wasn't fair, Kurama!"

Kurama, however, refused to show the slightest of remorse.

"I did what I had to, Hiei. I thought you of all people would understand that."

Hiei slammed his hand against the table top.

"I will never forgive you." He snarled.

"And I am willing to accept that. It would be fair. I really messed up your life."

"Oh shut up." Hiei slapped Kurama's shoulder making him wince. "You will beg for my forgiveness till the day you fucking die. No accepting it. Grovel."

Kurama tried to hold it back, even Hiei had to acknowledge that, but he burst out laughing anyway.

"Okay I am sorry, Hiei. Please forgive me."

"Shut up. Not now. Who attacked you? The time Yomi died."

"Mukuro but I asked her to."

"Why?"

"How else could I ever kill Yomi and survive it?"

Hiei narrowed his eyes.

"Was the first attack planned too?"

Kurama grinned.

"Yeah we planned it together. Remember?"

Hiei tried to bite back his curse. It was difficult but he managed.

"I will talk to you later." He snapped his attention to Kuwabara.

"When is the wedding?!" He barked out.

Kuwabara and Yukina jumped. They had been all too engrossed in Hiei and Kurama's conversation.

"Nowhere on the horizon, for now." Yukina said, her hands in the air and waving in front of her face.

"Okay. Are you on the same page about kids?"

They nodded.

"House chores? My sister is no fucking maid."

They nodded again, Kuwabara looking a tiny bit offended.

"Retirement plans? Savings for honeymoon? How are you splitting the bills? God, tell me you moved out of that studio."

"Hiei," Kurama placed a hand on his shoulder that he immediately shrugged off.

Kurama shrank back, looking a little hurt.

Good, Hiei thought.

"Don't you want to know what happened to the bracelet you were accused of stealing, Hiei?"

Hiei sat up straight.

He… he hadn't thought about that bracelet for so long. He had nearly forgotten such a thing existed at all.

"Um," Yukina began "I had it, Hiei."

Hiei jerked towards her.

"What?"

"Kurama showed me a picture of the bracelet and I remembered I found a bracelet like that on the street outside our house."

"You must have dropped it from the package. It was a part of a consignment you sent through to Bui. The bracelet never arrived but the rest of the things did." Kurama explained.

"I picked it up. I didn't think it was anything expensive. It looked so ugly. I gave it away that very day, too. There was this little girl I met at the library later and she was crying because this boy knocked her ice cream over. She saw the bracelet and she liked it. I didn't so I gave it to her."

Hiei sat back.

"Fuck." He said.

"I am sorry," Yukina said. "This was all my fault. I should have known better-…"

"You were a child, Yukina." Hiei waved her apology away. "I never should've gotten involved with that shit at all."

"I blamed you when it was all my fault."

It seemed like she hadn't even heard him.

Kuwabara placed an arm around her shoulder and drew her into himself.

"Babe-…" his voice dropped as he started mumbling something in her hair. Hiei looked away, strangely uncomfortable.

She was a whole ass woman now, with a fiance. He had missed that. No, Karasu had made him miss that. All over a dumb bracelet that probably meant nothing to him in the long run.

He turned to Kurama then, already aware the answer to this question would be the only redemption Kurama would get.

"Tell me you killed Karasu."

Kurama grinned.

"I killed Karasu."

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