JULY 24—TEN DAYS POST-PARTUM

By the time Masaki had passed his first week of life, Hiei felt that he was doing better as a parent. Sure, he was by no means perfect at it, maybe not even good at it yet, but he was okay, at least. Progress was being made, slowly but steadily. Kurama was right; Hiei needed a support network, and that had helped, but he was surprised to see that a lot of things worked themselves out, too.

The first example of this was a little ironic. Only about a day or so after that old lady made the mistake of thinking Hiei was still pregnant, he found that his stomach actually visibly shrunk, and the cramping in the ninshinsu all but came to a halt. Kurama said it was because it was done going back to its pre-pregnancy size. There was still fat on Hiei's belly that he'd have to work off, and he was still by no means anywhere close to obtaining his pre-pregnancy level of fitness, but he at least didn't look heavily pregnant. As a matter of fact, his abdominal area looked a lot like it did at the end of the first trimester when he was just starting to show, but as it was made of fat and not baby now, it sat lower and it was flabbier. For now only, Hiei reminded himself. There were stretch marks, too, but somehow he felt that, once he'd gotten back into shape, they wouldn't look so out of place on an average fighter. Many demons had scars all over their bodies.

Breastfeeding, at least, was going much better. Hiei's main conclusion was that he had been too stressed out about it, but maybe he and Masaki did need some time to adjust. The baby demon bites didn't hurt so much after a few days, and as they got into a routine, the engorgement seemed to be less painful, too. In fact, a lot of the time, when he started to nurse the baby, the milk letdown felt pretty good. Kurama made Hiei some topical cream he could use to make his nipples less sore, and that was a lifesaver.

It also helped when Shiori told Hiei that there were a lot of different positions he could nurse in (as well as helped him find excellent strategic placing of pillows during the process). She taught him how to do "side-lying breastfeeding," which was exactly what it sounded like. In fact, all he had to do was leave his boobs easily accessible at night, and oftentimes the baby would just help himself, without Hiei even waking up. In the morning, he was astounded that the baby could do this on his own. How did he just know what to do, without anyone teaching him? Kurama said it was a "survival thing," and Hiei supposed that was reasonable…but it didn't make it any less remarkable.

On Thursday, this was how Hiei awoke, with the baby already up and getting breakfast. By now, it was a familiar and soothing feeling for both of them, and a nice thing to wake up to for Hiei. When the baby awoke nursing on his own, they got to spend some quiet time together before the chaos of the incoming day set in. Hiei had discovered on his own that he felt more connection with the baby through eye contact—eye contact and touch. So he tried to focus on those things more often when they had time together, just the two of them. If he wasn't too tired, Hiei liked to talk to the baby, too, the way he had when he was pregnant. After all…connecting with him was key. Hiei didn't want his son to have to struggle and fight to find a safe and secure home base the way he had. It was time to break that cycle, to make new healthy relationships and nurture old ones, while leaving toxicity behind. And that would start with Hiei himself.

"Can you believe you're already ten days old?" Hiei said softly, running his fingers through the baby's soft, thick hair, spiky and black, just like his. "I don't think I can…since it's all been such a blur. But I just want you to know that I love you, and I always will."

Hiei could smell eggs and bacon coming from downstairs, and he smiled. His breakfast was on the way, too. Breastfeeding still made him hungry, and his beloved husband was cooking for him. The worry of what he'd do when Kurama went back to work flitted across his mind, but he didn't let it stay there.

That's an intrusive, negative thought, he reminded himself, and I don't have to listen to it.

Why not focus, instead, on what he could do? After all, he could learn to cook, at least for himself, and the baby's food was clearly already taken care of. He could already change diapers on his own, after having an incredible amount of practice in the past ten days, and he liked to get out of the apartment and show Masaki everything in his big wide world—plants, animals, people. Kurama promised to teach Masaki the name of every plant, every flower, every potion and blade of grass. Masaki also had his naps in the nature park; Hiei went out there for a significant amount of time each day, letting the rhythm and peace of nature soothe both him and his little one to sleep. And sometimes that was accompanied by nursing, sometimes not. Hiei was learning to read the baby's cues, so he would know what was needed.

Not too much later, Masaki was finished, and Hiei put on his bathrobe, scooped the baby up, and headed into the kitchen, where sure enough, Kurama was making some breakfast for them, even if it was a little more difficult now due to his injury.

"Something smells good," said Hiei, unable to hold back a smile. He was in a good mood today, and Masaki seemed to be, too—very relaxed. It was sweet the way he grabbed some of Hiei's robe in one of his tiny fists, just hanging on tight, and let his head rest against Hiei's chest. Most of the time, in fact, Masaki seemed to almost mirror Hiei's mood, which might have something to do with why they had seemed to relax in tandem over the past ten days.

"Well, look who's finally up." Kurama grinned. "I hope you're in the mood for bacon and eggs, Hiei."

"Always," said Hiei, sitting down at the kitchen table, Masaki in his lap.

"Glad to hear it," Kurama replied, flipping the bacon again with his spatula. "I just wanted to make sure we had a good breakfast before Masaki's first doctor's appointment today."

"Wait, that was today?!"

"Of course," said Kurama, giving his husband a strange look. "You didn't forget, did you?"

"I did," Hiei admitted, feeling disappointed in himself all of a sudden. "I guess I'm not doing better as a parent after all."

"There's been a lot going on," said Kurama. "I can understand if it slipped your mind."

"Is Dr. Setchi going to be his doctor?" Hiei asked.

"Yes, she is," Kurama confirmed, giving Hiei a smile. "She works in pediatrics as well as obstetrics. Generally she just does family medicine as a whole."

"Okay." Hiei was glad Masaki would be Dr. Setchi's patient, because he already knew and trusted her. "What time?"

"The appointment is at noon, so I think we should leave about eleven-thirty," said Kurama. "It won't take long to walk to the hospital after we take the portal, but we don't want to be rushing."

Hiei agreed. So, by the time it reached half-past, the three of them were all ready to go. They went to the nature park, Hiei pushing the wheelchair while Kurama held Masaki in his lap. Hiei knew it was important for Masaki to bond with Kurama. After that, it was just a matter of heading up to the obstetrics floor, where Dr. Setchi worked, even if the baby was already born.

Before they saw the doctor, a nurse took Masaki's measurements. Hiei was worried, because Masaki cried a little, and Hiei could tell he was scared, but the nurse was gentle with him as she measured his length, weight, and head circumference. When that was finished, she led them into Dr. Setchi's office to wait for her. Hiei couldn't help but remember the first time they were here, when he had been so afraid. Now he knew he could trust her and that there was nothing to be afraid of, but he was still glad he didn't have to disrobe this time. Finally, there was a knock on the door, and Dr. Setchi walked in.

"Good afternoon," she greeted them. "Is that Masaki? He's adorable."

"I bet you say that to all the new parents," Kurama joked.

"Nope," she said. "Only the ones with truly adorable babies."

"What do you say about the ugly ones?" Hiei asked.

"I tell them, 'He looks just like you,'" Dr. Setchi said with a grin, and they laughed.

Just like the nurse, Dr. Setchi was very gentle in the handling of the baby, and for that, Hiei could be glad. He held Kurama's hand while they watched her feel his little head to make sure it was developing correctly, as well as check his joints and reflexes. She checked his belly button area to make sure there was no infection, and consulted the nurse's notes, comparing his measurements to the average for newborns.

"So, how is he?" Kurama asked, as soon as the examination was over. Hiei was holding Masaki now, and he had wrapped him in his favorite blanket. It was actually just Hiei's white scarf, but he liked it because it had Hiei's scent on it. Hiei also used it to carry him around on his back, the traditional way for demons to carry their babies (strollers and carriages were a Ningenkai thing).

"I'm pleased to present him with a clean bill of health," she replied with a smile. "You've clearly been taking very good care of him so far."

"Do you have any advice?" Kurama asked her. "Anything else you think we should know?"

"One thing I like to recommend is keeping a feeding/digestion log, so that I can look it over when you come in for visits," she said. "Just write down the times he feeds, and for how long, and record it every time he has a wet or dirty diaper. It will help you keep track of how 'regular' he is."

"I'm pretty sure he's regular," said Hiei, thinking of how many diapers Masaki filled in a day. "But I'll keep the journal."

"Great idea," said the doctor. "Our next appointment should be mid-August, when he's about a month old. The secretary in the waiting room can help you with that. But please feel free to call or come in if you have any concerns, like if he gets sick."

"Thank you," Kurama said, giving her a smile, and they got ready to go.

…

As they walked back to the portal, Kurama was watching Hiei, with Masaki tied to his back with the scarf. Hiei seemed happy these days, probably because he wasn't towing around a baby in his body anymore. Kurama, for one, was glad that the baby was probably going to be a Plant Master, because that way he could pass on what he knew—sort of the way Genkai felt about Yusuke, even though Masaki, as a newborn, wasn't showing any sign of powers yet. Kurama voiced these thoughts aloud to Hiei.

"Let's hope he doesn't get too strong," Hiei joked. "I don't want to worry about wild plants biting my head off everywhere I go."

"Well, there's always the option of wards, like the ones you wear to keep the Dragon in," Kurama pointed out. "You know, speaking of that…you only summon the Dragon with your right arm, isn't that correct? You've been wearing bandages on both arms ever since my accident. Did you learn a new attack while I was gone?"

Kurama was just curious, so he wasn't prepared for the dark look that flashed across Hiei's face all of a sudden.

"I-I'm sorry, Hiei," Kurama apologized quickly. Even though he didn't know why Hiei was upset, he knew that asking him about the bandages had been a mistake. "It was a stupid question. Just forget I asked, all right?"

"All right," said Hiei quietly, but he was silent for the rest of the way back. Kurama was so worried. What had he said wrong? But he knew better than to push it. Hiei would tell him when he was ready. And his patience paid off, a few hours later, when Hiei came out of the bedroom, set Masaki in his living room bassinet, and asked Kurama if they could talk in private.

"It's not something you want Masaki to overhear, I assume?" Kurama said seriously.

"No, he's too young," said Hiei, and beckoned with his hand for Kurama to follow him into the bedroom. When they were in there and all alone, Hiei on the bed and Kurama in the wheelchair, Kurama noticed that Hiei looked very strange—short of breath, afraid, nervous, upset.

"If this is about the story behind the bandages, Hiei, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," said Kurama. "I really am sorry I asked."

"Don't be." Hiei shook his head. "You deserve to know the truth."

"And what is the truth?"

"Okay." Hiei took a deep, shuddering breath. "The truth is…I-I haven't been entirely honest with you. When you were in a coma in the hospital, I…" Hiei looked up at the ceiling and breathed again, clearly distressed. "I…I did something I'm not very proud of."

Usually, in a relationship, when someone said that to their partner, it meant they had cheated. But Kurama knew Hiei wouldn't cheat. It was against his code, and at any rate, Kurama trusted him. If he wasn't cheating, though, what could he mean? What could he have done that was so bad that he had kept it as a secret for so long, and he seemed to find it so difficult to admit, even now?

"Whatever it is, Hiei, you really can tell me," Kurama reassured him, in the calmest voice he could manage. "I promise."

"Maybe…maybe I can show you," said Hiei. Kurama watched in confusion as Hiei slowly, almost methodically unwound the bandages on both his arms and turned them up so that the bottoms of his forearms were showing—and Kurama gasped. There was a deep, long scar on each forearm.

"Oh, Hiei," said Kurama, gently taking one of Hiei's arms in his hand and running his finger along one of the scars. "What happened?"

"When you were in the hospital…" Hiei swallowed. It looked like he was trying very hard not to cry. "I…oh, Kurama…I'm really sorry. I didn't think you were going to make it. I didn't know what else to do."

"What did you do, sell a gallon of your blood?" said Kurama, glancing again at the scars.

"N-No, I…I tried to kill myself."

The words hit Kurama like a ton of bricks. Now he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off the scars running down the lengths of Hiei's forearms. Had he really been in a bad enough mental state to try to take his own life? Kurama knew Hiei had never liked himself or his life that much, but killing himself…It seemed so extreme. And there was another question pressing on Kurama's mind.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier, Hiei?" he asked softly.

"When I woke up in the hospital," Hiei said, not looking at Kurama, "I felt so bad. Reikai put me on a suicide watch. Yukina was so disappointed in me. Everyone thought I was a freak."

"You just needed support, not scorn or judgment," said Kurama. "I'm sure they didn't think that."

"Well, that's how it felt."

"And what about the baby?" Kurama asked.

"I thought I was far enough along that they'd be able to save him, even if I were to die," said Hiei. "I never thought I'd be in that place again, but I never thought I'd lose you, either. Not that way, at least."

"Wait," said Kurama. "What do you mean, 'again'? You've tried this before?"

"Oh…right," said Hiei, biting his lip. "It was before the 1994 tournament, when I was still training with Mukuro."

"It happened when you were at Mukuro's?" Kurama suddenly felt, among the heartbreak, a small flare of anger inside him. If he was training with Mukuro, wasn't she supposed to be looking after him—making sure something like that didn't happen? Before the tournament, Kurama had always had a bit of a suspicion that Mukuro wasn't taking care of Hiei the way she should, or at least not the way Kurama would have, but he never thought even she would let it get to a point where Hiei was a danger to himself. "I've trained countless demons throughout my bandit days, and you have to nurture a person's spirit, as well as strengthen their body. Didn't she give a damn about your mental health?"

"You've got to remember, Kurama, she's not very nurturing," said Hiei, looking a little alarmed at Kurama's uncharacteristic use of immoderate language. "She grew up without nurturing, just like me." He paused. "That's part of the reason we broke up. After my suicide attempt failed, she was the one who talked me out of my funk. That was why our fight was so much more than just a fight. But even though we could relate to each other, and we could help each other…we couldn't love each other." Hiei turned his face up, and Kurama was relieved to see a smile there. "Not like you and I can. You, Kurama, are a very nurturing person."

"I was lucky, I suppose," said Kurama. Many times in the past, he had been accused of being too nurturing, and Yusuke frequently referred to him as the "mom friend" of their group. "Both my original fox family and my human family were very loving and supportive. Nurturing is just what I know—and, after all, I've only known it help people, not hurt them."

"Is that why you saved me and healed me when we first fought?" Hiei asked. "You know…instead of just leaving me to die?"

"I did that because it was the right thing to do, Hiei," said Kurama. "I was only trying to defend myself against your attack. I wasn't trying to kill you."

"It's great to know that you could fatally injure me without even trying," Hiei said sarcastically. "But you were the first person to show me kindness and mercy without asking for anything in return. You…you were my first real friend."

Kurama set his hand on Hiei's thigh, wondering how he would initiate a kiss when he was stuck in this wheelchair, but that was when they heard the baby crying. Hiei stood up.

"I'd better get that," he said. "I just hope I can become as nurturing as you. For his sake."

"Oh, don't worry about all that, honey." Kurama held his arms out for a hug, and Hiei obliged without hesitation. "You do just fine."

…

Kurama went to physical therapy on Saturday, as usual. That was the longest time Hiei had ever gone so far without Kurama to help him with the baby, and it usually went fine. That was helping with his confidence about raising the baby. And ever since he had finally told Kurama the truth, and made it very clear he was no longer in such a place mentally, it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

But when he came home that day, he seemed to be in an especially good mood.

"Hiei," he said, beaming at Hiei, who was sitting on the living room couch, rocking Masaki in his arms. "How was the baby?"

"Pretty good," Hiei whispered. "He's sleeping now."

"Well, when he wakes up," Kurama replied, lowering his voice, "I was thinking we could go to the nature park today as a family. What do you think?"

"Sure, but we go there all the time, don't we?"

"It's more than that this time," said Kurama, and he only seemed to get happier. "Today at PT, they cleared me to practice walking at home."

"W-What?! Really?" Masaki woke up and started fussing, but Hiei barely noticed. This was the best news he had heard in ages!

"Don't look so shocked, Hiei," Kurama said with a smile. "It's already been about two months since I woke up from my coma. I've been making progress in physical therapy and doing the exercises they've told me to do at home, too. They've gotten me a cane and a walker and things like that, but hopefully someday, I can relearn the skill entirely." With a laugh, he added, "My goal is to learn to walk before Masaki does."

"Well, I would absolutely love to help," Hiei declared, standing right up. "Let's call Yusuke, too."

"What about Kuwabara? I'm sure he'd love to help out."

Hiei breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth, and finally said, "Okay."

It was already dinnertime, so Hiei and Kurama decided they would wait until tomorrow, Sunday, to work on Kurama's first steps since last April. When the day arrived, Hiei was so happy that he was able to help Kurama get showered and dressed again, now that he wasn't full of baby and he could actually walk again. Now they didn't need a helper anymore, because Kurama could still do a lot of things for himself, and what he couldn't do, Hiei likely could.

First thing in the morning, Yusuke and Kuwabara met them at the nature park. Hiei carried all of Kurama's equipment in his hands, and the baby on his back. When they got there, Hiei sat under a tree and rocked the baby in his arms while Yusuke took Kurama to another tree about a foot away, while Kuwabara carried the equipment, and then they both helped him out of the chair.

"Your goal," said Yusuke, "is to walk all the way from this tree to Hiei."

"This stuff will help," said Kuwabara, handing him a walker.

It didn't happen right away. Kurama's legs, at first, still would not support him. It didn't help that they were in the park and the terrain was a little rough, not like the sidewalk or street. But with help from the walker, Yusuke walking along with him to catch him if he fell, Kuwabara and Hiei spotting him from either tree, and a refusal to give up, Kurama made it all the way to Hiei's tree. Yusuke, Kuwabara, and especially Hiei all cheered like crazy. Even the baby opened his big green eyes, looking around to see what was going on.

Hiei got up and hugged Kurama with one arm, the baby being in the other, and he had to try to fight back the feeling of warm tears again behind his eyelids. Once again, he could hug Kurama while standing up. Once again, his husband was able to walk. And once again, the future seemed full of hope. When he pulled away, Hiei happened to chance a glance at Yusuke and Kuwabara, with Yusuke next to them, and Kuwabara hollering and cheering from a tree about one foot away, the distance Kurama had walked.

There would be many steps taken after these ones, Hiei knew, and he would make sure that they would be steps towards the future. Towards opportunity. Towards nurturing. Towards love. And towards their whole life together, just the three of them, on their own little adventure.

"You see, Masaki?" Hiei whispered, as Kurama turned himself a little clumsily around and started to head back. "I meant what I said. Even after you were born, we would be together forever. I'll never let anyone hurt you. Your daddy and I love you, no matter what."

And when the baby smiled, really smiled, Hiei just knew he understood.