I Honestly Love You!

A/N1: It's been a while – almost a year - since I've posted anything here. Almost two since I updated Trust. This isn't one of the ninety-eleven stories I have started on my hard drive, but the song got stuck in my head and I just had to write what it told me. This begins after The Beard and ends with The Other Guy. I hope you like it.

I'm not making any money off this and I don't own Chuck or I Honestly Love You, but I believe you really ought to know- I honestly love these characters.

March, 2010

Castle

10:30PM

She could feel him hovering behind her, anxious to embrace, hesitant to approach. She pretended not to notice, her eyes never leaving the screen, her fingers on the key board. They played cat and mouse like this for several minutes until finally, he moved directly behind her, his reflection on her screen capturing his concern and frustration. It was easy to notice. She saw the look on her own face many times over the past two years.

Still, she ignored him.

Clearing his throat to make sure she acknowledged his presence, he announced "It's late. We should go."

She never turned. Made no reaction. Just stated in a flat, even voice "You go. I have things I need to do."

"How long will you be?" he pushed.

"I don't know." Not until I have answers she thought to herself.

"You've spent a lot of time here the past few weeks. Almost every night. We don't have that much paperwork."

She sighed, never taking her eyes off the screen, never looking directly at him. "You know I need answers. To finish what I start." She said in a tone of voice that harbored no doubt. "You should go home Daniel."

"Will I see you later tonight?"

"No." she said with the slightest shake of her head. "I'll see you tomorrow Daniel."

His face seemed to get a little harder, a little more distant.

"Good night …. Sam."

She tried not to react. She failed and he knew it. Smirking, he turned and headed up the stairs and out of Castle.

Maybe I hang around here a little more than I should
We both know I got somewhere else to go

Sarah watched the video feed of Shaw leaving through the front door of the Orange Orange, careful to lock the door behind him. He climbed into his black Tesla Roadster and pulled away into the night – and she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.

Lowering her head into her folded arms on the desk, she took a minute to compose herself.

A minute turned into several.

Finally composed, she lifted her head and deftly toggled the screen command on her keyboard, bringing up a window she had hidden away from Shaw's prying eyes.

It was hidden for a reason. It was her window, hers alone. Her window into what might have been with the man it could have been with.

Chuck's dark bedroom filled the screen, the only light seeping in from the courtyard.

Sarah stared at the image in front of her, her eyes welling up but never shedding a tear as she watched Chuck tossing and turning in another fitful night of sleep.

It started two weeks ago. At least that's when she first noticed. That's also when she started working late every night.

Coincidence she thought. An easy comeback.

It was also the night after she told Daniel her name.

She didn't have a comeback for that one. She wished she had a do-over.

She didn't have a comeback for the look on Chuck's face, the fear in his eyes when he thought that Rafe Gruber was going to kill her.

She didn't have one when she found out that Chuck had broken up with Hannah, telling her that there are things he can never tell her, that she deserves to know who she's with, and they should stop seeing each other. Hannah was hurt, lashing out at Chuck saying he is not the nice guy she thought him, which hurt him in turn.

She didn't have a comeback a week later, when Chuck couldn't flash and Castle had been breached. Or when Shaw insisted on invoking Castle's self-destruct, stopping only when Chuck emerged with Morgan, his ability to flash thankfully returning to save the day and their lives. She didn't have a comeback when she realized that it was the CIA in the person of Daniel Shaw that was the bigger threat to his life that day.

She was at a complete loss when she watched the video of Chuck telling Morgan everything in Castle that day, unburdening himself of the last three years. When he tried to deny his love for Sarah, Morgan's words still rang in her ears…..

"You loved that girl. I mean, I saw the way you looked at her. We all did. It's okay, you don't have to deny it.
You tell me you don't love Sarah?"

She cried for the first time when she heard Chuck whisper "You know what? You're right, buddy. I do love Sarah. I kept telling myself that I didn't. That I wouldn't, I couldn't, but I do."

She watched as the realization washed over him. "Morgan, you have no idea how badly I needed to get all this off my chest. Thank you."

Her mouth hung open in amazement as the flash transformed him. She was humbled and cried a second time with the realization that it was because of her that he could not flash and because of her that he again could.

She should have known. She already did know. He had told her in a vault all those weeks ago. She had it on a memory stick. But now she knew something more, something more important.

But I got something to tell you that I never thought I would
But I believe you really ought to know

But knowing was one thing. Doing was another. It was easy to think things, to make promises to herself, but it was taking much more effort to actually put it into action.

She couldn't say the words.

He really ought to know.

I love you
I honestly love you

You don't have to answer I see it in your eyes
Maybe it was better left unsaid

She wonders what his reaction would be to those words. Shaking her head, she realizes that all she can do is wonder. She doubts she'll ever be able to tell him.

After all of this time, after all that has happened - I'm still in love with Chuck Bartowski and I STILL don't know what to do about it. she thought.

Remembering the last three years from their first meet cute in the Buy More to now, she sees all the times she had left it unsaid.

Was it better?

In her head, she thought it was but in her heart ? Her heart was telling her a very different story.

Where would we be now if I told him when I told my Mission Log? All the opportunities flipped by in her mind like pages in some flip book animation of her life and times in Burbank. The kiss in front of the Bryce-bomb. The kiss that earned Chuck an A+ from Roan Montgomery. Telling her she had a best friend in him, that she didn't need to tell him anything about her past, he already knew who she was. Ordering her cheeseburgers medium rare, extra pickles. Bringing chocolate croissants and being an eloquent schnook. Ordering pizza without olives, even though Morgan had mentioned it was his second favorite pizza topping. Accepting and thriving in the spy life he never asked for – proving he was a hero time and time and time again. Making the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good and downloading 2.0 and saving her and Casey's life – again. Taking her poor treatment of him with grace and dignity.

It was all left unsaid. What if I had said something any of those times? Would things be different now?

But this is pure and simple and you must realize
That it's coming from my heart and not my head

She really had treated him badly over the last few months. After Prague.

He hurt me she justified to herself. But she knew that wasn't a good excuse. She had read enough C.S. Lewis at Harvard to understand that "An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason." Chuck did the right thing in Prague, even if he did it the wrong way. The man that never met a word he didn't like to speak out loud said nothing. He walked away. And it hurt. It hurt that he couldn't – no, that he wouldn't tell her why. She could never figure out why and it bothered her. She needed answers, and she didn't have any.

Until she did.

She got her answer when Chuck told Morgan during his confession.

"I knew it was the right thing to do, to stay, to finish, to use the Intersect to help people, to protect people. I had a whole elaborate speech prepared. I went over it in my head a hundred times or more. And then when I walked into the train station, I saw her. She was standing there Morg, waiting for me. She looked so beautiful and so nervous. So unsure. I wondered if maybe she was having second thoughts too, but I realized that she was nervous…. nervous about me. About what I was going to do, what I was going to say. I was afraid I'd start talking and take one look into her eyes and cave, just cave in right there. God, I knew I would do anything for her. And I …. I couldn't. Walking away from Sarah wasn't the right thing to do, but walking away from the Intersect was worse. I hoped she would understand, you know? She taught me that there are bigger things, a greater good that needs to be protected. I couldn't find the right words to say, so I didn't say anything. God, I know, I know – I know that was stupid, I know that I hurt her. I just couldn't. And now, well….."

Sarah had to stop the video several times through his explanation. The tears blurred and burned her eyes too much to concentrate and she needed to concentrate. She was getting her answers – and she realized that he was being Chuck – her Chuck.

She knew after that she should go to him.

She knew that after she listened to his speech in the vault.

She didn't go to him then.

She didn't go to him now.

The words were still left unsaid.

I love you
I honestly love you

Three Weeks Later

Echo Park Courtyard

I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable
I'm not trying to make you anything at all

Sarah Walker was very uncomfortable.

She stood in front of Chuck's front door. She just stood there – and hesitated. Huffing out a breath in frustration, she realized she had been hesitating for the better part of three years now. She remembered hearing that fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true. That was certainly true in this case. It was fear that left those words unsaid. She wasn't afraid of Chuck, she was afraid of the words. Afraid what they meant, what they implied, what they required. She was afraid she couldn't live up to them. That she wouldn't live up to them.

And she hesitated.

And her worst fears almost came true.

Almost. Because Chuck didn't hesitate. His worst fear was that he would lose Sarah forever and he wouldn't let his fear stop him.

He didn't hesitate to sit at her table the night she and Shaw went out on their window shattering date. He didn't hesitate to answer her questions quickly and directly.

"Chuck, what are you doing here?" she asked. His answer shocked her "I'm here for you." He said without hesitation. Sarah didn't really know what to do so she did what was second nature to her, was comfortable. She pushed "What do you want me to say?"
"That you'll come with me to Rome." He answered, never breaking eye contact.
"I don't wanna have to make a scene in front of all these people...but I will literally do anything to change your mind."

And still she pushed, demanding he tell her "what really happened. If you didn't kill the mole, then who did?"
That's when he hesitated, but not in the way she expected. It seemed like he wasn't trying to protect himself - and it confused her. "I don't want there to be any secrets or lies between us ever again. So please, just let me have this one. And I promise I will never lie to you." Shaking her head she thought hindsight really is 20/20.

What he said next made her more uncomfortable – because as much as she wanted to tune him out, make him stop, make it all stop – she didn't. She needed answers and her heart told her she was going to get them.

"Listen...you think I'm not that same guy you met the first day at the Buy More.
You're right. Okay? You're right.
The guy that I was then hated himself...for not knowing what he wanted to do with his life...or who he wanted to spend it with, but now, finally now, I know."

"I wanna be a spy.
And I wanna be with you."

"What are you saying?"

He never got a chance to say it. He didn't hesitate, and she knew what he was about to say - the only thing stopping him was Devon and Shaw crashing through the widow and across their table.

But there was no doubt what he was going to say.

But this feeling doesn't come along everyday
And you shouldn't blow the chance when you've got the chance to say

A normal man would have walked away from that with his tail between his legs, his chance blown to pieces.

But Chuck is not a normal man.

He is an extraordinary man.

Sarah shook her head knowing she didn't think that when she said that Shaw was "sacrificing himself". She didn't think it when Chuck locked her in Castle in detention mode. She began to see it when he told her that he was going in to bring Shaw out, knowing full well that the air strike would kill them both if he wasn't successful. But even then she pushed, needing answers. "Why are you helping him?"

He didn't hesitate "Because I know how much you care about him."

The exact words were left unsaid, but there was no doubt about what he meant.

I love you, I love you
I honestly love you

If we both were born in another place and time
This moment might be ending in a kiss

Against all odds, Chuck saved Shaw.

He unselfishly saved him because he knew I cared about him. And I did, I do. But in those moments before I saw Chuck running from the destroyed Ring compound, I realized I cared for Chuck more.

Much more.

It finally dawned on her that as unselfish as Chuck was, Shaw was equally as selfish. His choice to act like a spy, to be an American hero was driven purely by his own selfish agenda.

The realization grew with Chuck's modesty. Any other male spy would go all alpha, pounding his chest, thinking that would win her back. Not Chuck. He simply stated that Shaw would do the same for him.

But he wouldn't. I know he wouldn't.

He showed his true colors when he initiated Castle's self-destruct just three weeks ago, knowing that Chuck was still in Castle and would be killed.

Yes, Shaw was selfish.

In stark contrast, Chuck stood in front of her and bared his soul.

"Look, I don't wanna pester you, Sarah...uh, or become some nuisance that you can't avoid... ... and since I've already given the fancy, eloquent version of this speech before...right now I'm just gonna be blunt and honest."

"I love you."

Never had she wanted to hear anything as much as she wanted to hear that. He must have sensed it because he didn't stop.
"One more time because it feels really nice to say, I love you. I feel like I've been bottling this up forever. I love you."

Sarah's guilt grew within her as she listened to Chuck proclaim his love. Guilt at how she doubted him, guilt at how she treated him – guilt that she had never been able to say those words to him. She tried to deflect the guilt by minimizing it. "Chuck, you don't have..." she began, but Chuck was on a roll and there was no stopping him.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm getting out of hand, but...
Look, you were right in Prague. You and I, we're perfect for each other. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you...away from everyone else, and away from the spy life."

Again the guilt bubbled up and she tried to rationalize and justify it away in self-defense. "Chuck, I've made a commitment, and not just to Shaw."

His answer was direct.

"Don't go."

"Don't do it. Leave with me instead. Tonight at 7:00. Union Station. We go to Mexico, and after that, anywhere that you want. I would like to go and seethe Eiffel Tower at some point...if that's at all possible."

He must have sensed how lost she was. Truth be told, she was drowning in her own feelings and emotions. Unselfishly, he threw her a life preserver. "Don't answer now. Don't say a word. I don't wanna have to convince you.
I just want you to show up."

"I'm gonna kiss you now,
if that's okay."

And he did.

Never had she ever wanted to be kissed as much as she did at that moment. Never had she ever wanted to be kissed by a man – this man – as much as she wanted Chuck to kiss her. His kiss told her everything. She finally had all the answers. But to make sure, Chuck made sure she knew.

"I love you, Sarah Walker.
Always have."

But there you are with yours and here I am with mine
So I guess we'll just be leaving it at this

She was about to go in when something she said to Chuck in Castle popped back into her head.

"Chuck, I've made a commitment, and not just to Shaw."

For a moment, she was filled with regret but instead of letting it swallow her whole, she chose to see it as a learning experience. It belonged in the past and would be useless in her future. And with that she walked through the front door, making a commitment to her future.

The sight in front of her was …. disturbing.

Morgan was tied up in a tangle of video game controllers. Chuck was in his boxers, a tee shirt and white socks, leaning against the far wall, a plastic guitar around his neck. He was drunk. He looked like a mess.

But he was her mess!

I love you

It didn't take long to realize that she had caused this particular mess. That her inability to say what Chuck so desperately needed to hear had finally broken him. Sarah was more comfortable letting her actions speak for her and meeting him at the train station would have told him everything he needed to hear better than she thought she could ever say it.

She was staying. She was staying with him.

But she never made it to the station.

He watched Shaw comfort her when they discovered the truth about his wife. He witnessed what he believed was Shaw's selfless professional behavior. He was belittled for his emotional lack of professionalism. He was grounded and told that the General would proceed as originally planned – moving her and Shaw to D.C.

And what did she say to him?

"I appreciated the tank."

Sarah could face palm herself right now.

Really?! I appreciate the tank!?

And now he believes that she is leaving with Shaw. It's a wonder he was still functioning.

She held a lot of responsibility in breaking him, now she was committed to putting him back together. And she knew exactly what she would say…..

I honestly love you

Before she could, Chuck took one more chance.

"I realized that I hadn't asked you a question. Really important question that I'd
like to ask you now, if that's okay.
Just once, for the record...
Sarah, do you love me?"

What courage! It actually amazed her. He had to think that she might say no. Yet here he was putting his heart on the line one last time. She was humbled. That a man this good, this loving, this selfless could love her and want her to love him was truly remarkable. All the times that Chuck showed her his love raced across her mind like images frozen in time. All the dots were in place, all connected, everything was clear as day. It made her wonder if this is what a flash was like for Chuck. There was no doubt that Chuck loved her.

No doubt she loved him just as much.

She must have gotten a little lost in her thoughts because what she though was a second stretched long enough for Chuck to believe her silence was the answer.

"Wow. I'm, uh, I'm in my underwear. I'm sitting in my underwear, holding a plastic guitar.
There's a very good chance I'm making a complete fool of myself, isn't there?"

That finally shook her out of her head and allowed her heart to speak.

"Yes."

Her timing wasn't the best as she quickly understood he thought she answered his last question. "I should probably put some pants on."

Sarah knew that her commitment required decisive action

"No, Chuck."
"Yes."

I honestly love you

"Chuck, I fell for you a long, long time ago... after you fixed my phone and before you started defusing bombs with computer viruses."

"So, yes."
"Yes."

I honestly love you

His concern for her about his red test interrupted her soft kisses that followed. And as disappointed as she was that the kissing had paused….. it strengthened her belief that he was still Chuck.

You are still my Chuck and…..

I honestly love you

Fini!

*"I Honestly Love You" – Olivia Newton John's first number-one single in the U/S. & Canada - From the UK album Long Live Love and in the United States on the album If You Love Me, Let Me Know – released August, 1974 – Written Jeff Barry ( "Then He Kissed Me", "Be My Baby", "Leader of the Pack" and "River Deep - Mountain High") & Peter Allen – produced by James Farrar – The single reached the top three of Billboard's Hot 100 in a then unusually fast six weeks, and in its eighth week, in the chart dated 5 October 1974, it spent the first of its two weeks at number one. At the 17th Grammy Awards in 1975, the single won both Record of the Year and Best Pop Vocal Performance, Female.

A/N2: During lockdown, I concentrated on fun, sappy, silly fluffy stuff to keep my mood up and try to lighten others. I have hit a serious writers block on these types of stories recently and something like this was screaming to get out. Thanks to David Carner for the pre-read (and for all the songs he's putting in his stories these days) and no David, I wasn't trying to kill you ;-)

I hope you like it. If you do, please leave a little something letting me know.