JMJ

Chapter Forty-Seven

Starscream's Million Chances

"Be reasonable, Prime! This cold will freeze both our actuators."

Starscream hated cold. He hated wind carrying snow. He hated trudging through the white fluff, melting wet and soggy against his hot outer-casing with each step he took. It caused it to stick to him and make him colder. More than that, though, he hated this situation.

Ahead of Optimus Prime as he was, cuffed and with a blaster to his back, Starscream shivered more from anger and frustration than physical chill. He was not afraid. Optimus was the least-likely person to fire upon him, conditions as they were. Why was it, though, that that was exactly what made it all the more uncomfortable?

"The current temperatures are not extreme enough to affect our biology."

How did Starscream just know he was going to say that?

"You'll be fine," Optimus also added.

It was like a case of déjà vu.

"Fine but miserable," Starscream flustered despite himself.

Everything felt quite out of his control, and what made it worse was that he could not figure out what made this all so familiar. Was it their first encounter coming back to mind? No, this was nothing like that. It was far more annoying and much less dramatic. The atmosphere had even been preferable to this irritating Earth environment.

Glancing down for a moment at his bonds set there earlier by Dreadwing before he came to be in Optimus' custody, he stopped to face Optimus in his unhappiness as he added, "And I cannot believe that you take our alliances for granted after all I have done for the Autobots!"

Although Optimus did not push Starscream to go on further for the moment, it was more out of patience than actually having any interest in what Starscream was saying. Well, Starscream could not blame him. He knew himself that his words were hardly anything to take seriously, but it did not stop Starscream from trying. It did not stop Starscream from hoping. At least it seemed to annoy Optimus just a little. That was something. A reaction, at least, even if not the preferred reaction, and Optimus even made this reaction so reserved— so mature— so according with his station.

Starscream closed his optics haughtily and went on, "helping to restore your memory…" He stomped into the snow angrily as he stared out into the frozen wasteland around them. Stupid Earth! "…saving Arcee's life!"

Was there anything else he could add?

To fill in the pause, he turned around to Optimus again. At last the Prime had something to say too. Getting a real word out of Optimus whether positive or negative was at least a minor victory in Starscream's mind.

"While you have at times proved beneficial to us," said Optimus sternly; his sternness always amused some part of him even if another part of him was already bristling before Optimus came to the point, "it has only been to further your own interests."

Starscream paused.

If he knew the answer even before it had been spoken, he knew he should not have felt so hurt. So… disappointed. He knew even before he finished that Optimus was right and it had nothing whatsoever to do with any sort of déjà vu. This was beyond that. He felt so… frustrated. Just frustrated. Like he always did in situations like this. His only comfort was that they made Optimus frustrated too. He knew it. He felt it.

As he looked away and the snow continued to fall, he remembered the rooftop again. The snow around him at present seemed to fall like the ashes of that day. The ashes that fell through the crevice growing further between Optimus and Megatron that day— the crevice into which Starscream had never fully emerged from.

He wondered almost with sympathy if Optimus remembered that day too with any of the conflicting thoughts that Starscream felt or if he knew that Starscream had to be thinking of that day too. It was always on his mind when he was face to face with Optimus.

He could not bear to look him in the optics anymore. He glared into the snow in front of him a moment.

He was grateful, albeit minimally, for the fact the Optimus did not push him onward just yet.

Of course he didn't.

It was not Optimus' way. Even though he could not give Starscream his true satisfaction, he gave him what he could give him in good conscience, and it was more than Megatron usually gave him.

Oh, how he resented it!

He glowered with a mind to move forward so as not to ruin it but making Optimus urge him on if he waited too long. But he was not about to go without a final word. Before taking his first step, he rolled his optics back to Optimus sourly and retorted, "Well! We can't all be as selfless as you, now can we?"

Optimus allowed him his final word. It was not like it was anything more than an empty excuse for an insult. He knew it did not hurt Optimus in the least, but he still spoke last and that made Starscream feel better about it. As he moved, Optimus' steps sounded behind him, but he could still feel that crevice. Starscream could still feel the ashes instead of snow.

He could still feel too that something was not right about all this. It was too familiar. It was too real. He thought of mentioning it to Prime, but he did not feel like speaking anymore right now.

The ground seemed to rumble beneath him. It felt good along with his own inner-turmoil. It was all in his mind, he knew. It was…

Optimus' footsteps stopped. Starscream immediately stopped too, but before either of them could speak, they felt the ground beneath them crumble. Before either of them could move, it caved in.

Starscream let out a strangling scream as he fell. Beside himself, he thought that this fall felt familiar too, and yet, it was not correctly placed.

Yes, he knew this fall, but he did not have the armor. Dreadwing had not yet returned. There had been no alliance between Dreadwing and Optimus to defeat the mad-with-power Starscream. There were no explosives.

Deep within the ice and swallowed into cold and darkness as though straight to the center of a lifeless planet, a lifeless spark inside a lifeless husk… it was a surreal experience— almost beautiful in its horror. It was—

Clang!

That was not so graceful, and really ruined the moment.

Starscream moaned as he gathered himself from the collision on the rocks at the bottom. He was apparently not much hurt, but he was still in darkness. Without the ability to fly, Starscream had a pretty good guess about how hard it would be to get back out of this pit. He blinked his optics open. Their crimson glow allowed him to see that the only other light aside from his own came very dimly from above.

No. There was another light, but it was not the light of the sky.

The blue light of Optimus' optics blinked behind him and a moan followed.

"Prime?" gasped Starscream, leaping up in disbelief.

How had he fallen down? The explosives had only been ringed around Starscream.

Oh, wait yes.

They had been on the path together not on the ice with Dreadwing helping Optimus with Starscream's next humiliating defeat. This was… not supposed to happen.

Optimus did not look at all happy when his optics met his. He did not look all too calm either. He actually looked quite like he wanted nothing better than to blame Starscream for this— at least for a moment. The accusation faded quickly, but the exasperation remained.

Starscream felt very bitter.

"Well, now what are we going to do, Prime?" Starscream demanded as he watched Optimus survey the crevice into which they had fallen.

It was high up and the sides were slick and smooth. There was no way a semi-truck was getting up that way. Starscream simmered to think how easy it would have been to fly out in the jet-form still denied him without his T-cog. He growled to himself and made to throw his arms across each other with a pout. He growled even more to find that he was still bound in his cuffs and could not.

"The only thing we can do at present," said Optimus, "is find another way out."

Oh, so he was not willing to take him through his base's bridge just yet by calling his Autobot friends. Ha!

Well, Optimus has already made his point quite clear that you cannot be trusted, Starscream reminded himself.

As they walked along the trench in silence for a few moments, Starscream bristled and kicked up dirt and snow angrily ahead of Optimus. The blaster was still aimed at his back. It seemed stricter than before.

"It's not like this is my fault!" Starscream snorted.

Optimus did not answer.

"It's not like I could do anything without being released from my bonds," Starscream went on. "I can't even fire without the ability to transform, you know."

Still Optimus gave no answer.

Inwardly Starscream shook with anger. "I would have been on your side already and none of this would have happened if everything had not gone wrong the first time. I wanted to join your side. Don't think I didn't! Don't think I didn't try."

Optimus sighed.

Well, he got that out of him. He did not look, but by the sound of that sigh, he knew that Optimus was rolling his optics.

Starscream had to wonder how long he could push Optimus before he would actually tell him to shut up. Now, that was something he had never heard Optimus say.

It seemed to be getting colder. Perhaps it was just damper. The wind seemed to be blowing harder above, but down here the sound of drips echoed somewhere in the distance in the smaller, deeper caverns. Was it getting darker above too?

That was not part of the events either.

"Well, no one can say I didn't try…" muttered Starscream.

"Would it not be wiser and more beneficial at present, Starscream, to find a way to climb back out of this crevice than cycling persistently over the past?" asked Optimus.

Starscream stopped. He spun around with rage risen to its peak. His optics narrowed upon Optimus'. Optimus glared back in that silly, stern but gentle way he did that was somehow more disturbing than the cold, unrelenting glare of Megatron. There was something in that tone, that made Starscream think he meant more by his words than what he was physically speaking of.

A prickling fear grew in Starscream's mind. A thought penetrated that he was speaking to a ghost in a shadow realm. His oral vent opened on a hinge and he blinked.

"What?" Starscream at last growled out.

"The past cannot be regained. Beating it will only bury you deeper than the eons of ice of this Antarctic expanse and weigh you down more than the heaviest and most ancient of armor. If you continue to feed your self-pity and only dwell upon yourself, you will never escape winding round for eternity in your despair whether you side with Megatron or regret your association with him."

The darkness above grew darker. Was that thunder he heard? Impossible in these temperatures. Was an avalanche going off in the distance? A blast? It was very much like the blasts of the day on the rooftop.

Starscream felt the damp chill through his inner-working grown near to unbearable, but he still wanted to argue, he spark flared up once more as he snapped, "It's not like I have a future!"

Optimus frowned.

"No one ever cared." This came out more like a squeak than a growl.

Optimus remained firm.

"Well!" snapped Starscream, but he lowered his head sulkily; he became a little sheepish. "Alright. There was Elita-One…" His optics shifted uncomfortably. "There was you, I suppose… Even Jetfire before the war had a few words of encouragement for me, and we had for a short time had what one might call a friendship. It might have been a friendship. It… I sent him to those far reaches without explaining…" Starscream sighed. "But as you said, the past cannot be regained. I have no future. I have no past worth remembering. The fact that I'm still online is more an afterthought than anything. I'm as good as offline." He grumbled and fidgeted.

He dared to look up at Optimus again. He still stood there patiently. Not a word did he speak, and his expression had changed very little, but he looked down at Starscream without disdain and without arrogance despite the sternness. It was not even the sternness of an elder from the old days to a hatchling. If Starscream did not know any better, he would say it was the firm look of a friend even though he did not lose any of his station's distinction—perhaps like a close elder with an adult spark— that father-son thing they were going for these days, but then Optimus was from the same generation as he was. Well, it was the warning and concern in true gravity of someone who truly cared, and he was older than Starscream in maturity. He always had been.

Stupid, he thought, but his already softened optics lowered again sadly and with much regret.

"I would have followed you to the end," said Starscream, "if it had been a different life."

"This life is still open to you," said Optimus.

"Is it?" muttered Starscream grimly.

"If you desire it," Optimus added, and then in that way that Starscream had always thought so cheesy, Optimus said without irony, "Every sentient being—"

"Has the capacity for change," finished Starscream unable to hear Optimus finish it on his own, and he shook his head. "Do you really believe that?" Starscream quickly held up his hand. "No, no, of course, you do. Don't answer that."

"Do you want to change or not?"

"I do," said Starscream before he could catch it, and he gasped at his own lack of reserve. He heaved and turned away. He dropped into the slush. "Alright, fine. I do, and yet…"

"At this point there is no in-between, either you are or you aren't willing to change."

Starscream glowered into the red glow from his optics.

"After a million lost last chances, how can I say whether I can or can't?" he demanded.

"Because eventually there are no more chances. At long last, the last chance is the last chance."

"And this one is it, isn't it," said Starscream lifting his head up back to Optimus. "I'll be forgotten forever if I push Bumblebee away now, and I'll become crazier and darker than now and make it harder than ever to be pulled out of my crevice even if some misfortune eventually released me from my physical bonds in this cell."

Optimus did not need to answer with words. His face told the finite seriousness of all. Besides, he had already told Bumblebee he believed this last chance to be so himself, hadn't he?

Quivering, Starscream pulled his body around. As he pried himself to his feet, he bowed before Optimus. He tried to think of the words to say, the apology to make, or the humbleness to prostrate, but words were empty. Words were useless when it came to Starscream. He lifted his optics to Optimus' and allowed Optimus to look back. He felt as though he could see right into his spark and he let him. He could not hide anything anymore. Besides, there was nothing left to hide— not from anyone, including himself. He had nothing left to lose, except himself now. There was nothing left but this chance.

The last chance.

He blinked earnestly.

Optimus nodded solemnly.

Starscream closed his optics and sighed.

When he opened them he was not surprised to find himself only in his cell. The sight of new Cybertron through his window was calm and well. Dawn crept out between the sleek buildings. The sounds of cars and jets were already beginning to appear along the curving elevated roads and above the skyline.

His mind was still devoid of words as he listened, but he did feel something. He felt that he was part of it, alive as he was. He was a Cybertronian too, online and had survived the war despite his scars, which were many. His future was coming in on the dawn, and he felt patient enough for the sun to fully rise to fly into it even if a little afraid. His was determined not to let fear overtake him, just as any young fledgling preparing for first takeoff.