Trigger warning: mention of depression and suicide.

Note: I do not own any of the characters and such, those are entirely JK Rowling's.

8. The wake-up call

In the next few days Stephanie mostly read, but she could barely concentrate. She kept thinking about what the hat had said about her. This new world brought her enough distraction to not think the way she did, when she was still in her world. But the hat had been right, she had been rather depressed before she came here.

She didn't want to feel sorry for herself, or play the victim, but somehow, life never went the way she liked it. Her own mother didn't like her very much, the relationship with her brother and sister wasn't the best, she hated her job, and she just felt exhausted all the time. She always tried to make her life better, but at the same time, she just didn't have the energy and wasn't motivated enough to actually change. And that made her feel frustrated and depressed very often.

The last few months it even got that bad that she considered to end her own life. She never did though, because she was scared. Not of death, but of the unknown. What if after death, there was nothing? Or something worse? So she never tried. But the feeling stuck.

Now she wasn't feeling depressed. But the hat had reminded her of the dreadful feeling, and she was scared that it might come back, as soon as she got totally used to this world as well. One day she was going to be a fully trained witch, her classes would maybe become boring, and then what? Would she become depressed again?

All these thoughts already made her feel down and as the days passed, she barely came out of her rooms anymore.

Thursday night was her low point. She hadn't had a meal in the great hall for days and hadn't seen anyone since her conversation with the headmaster. She stayed in her private chambers and just read the books McGonagall gave her from the library.

She felt empty and she doubted everything. Why would she even start learning magic, what was the point? Dumbledore wanted to know nothing of the future and she was not powerful enough to change anything on her own. Friday afternoon she would go shopping with Minerva and get her own wand, but she doubted she would even manage to cast a simple levitation charm. She felt utterly useless.

Ever since she got here, she hadn't dared to explore the castle once it was dark. But tonight she felt so hopeless, she didn't even care anymore. And that's why she wandered in the hallways at 2 o'clock at night. She didn't even know where she was in the castle.

She just walked through hallway after hallway, stairs, steps, another hallway and many doors. She just went through another door when she saw she ended up in an abandoned classroom. Chairs and desks were pushed to one side of the room and in the middle was something big, covered with some sort of sheet.

She didn't know what possessed her to be so bold this evening, but she pulled the sheet off to see what was underneath. When she recognized it, she could slap herself. How could she forget?! Of course it was the mirror of erised! She looked at it from the side, and was afraid to stand in front of it, but curiosity got the better of her, and so she moved so she could see herself.

She kept staring at the ground, afraid to look in the mirror, afraid of what she would see. Eventually she looked up into the mirror. She stared into her own eyes, and couldn't keep back the tears.

There she stood, with a happy grin on her face. She looked happy, healthy and powerful. In the background she could see people looking at her adoringly, she assumed they were friends and family. So this is what she most desired: to be happy and powerful… and to be loved…

Even though the image in the mirror made her sad, because it was exactly what she didn't have, and probably would never get, she couldn't keep her eyes off it. She didn't know how long she had sat there sobbing, it could have been minutes, or hours even…

In the distance she heard the door open and close, but she didn't look up. She was so lost in her own thoughts, in her own misery… she didn't care. It was probably one of the professors who had hall duty during the night.

She didn't know why but sometimes she could get so extremely depressed. Where some people might get a little sad, she got devastated, and where some people got extremely happy, she was just okay. She had never understood it, but she felt like she just wasn't made to be happy.

All of the sudden, she felt a hand nudging her shoulder. It scared her, her heart jumped, and before she realised, she lost control. A feeling of sorrow, anger and fear rushed through her body. Her vision blurred, she felt dizzy and she could no longer think about anything, the only thing she could do was feel. Her magic lashed out and the person got blown away and got smashed into the opposite wall.

'Bloody hell,' she heard him mutter. All of this shook her out of her depressed trance and she looked up to see who it was. Her eyes needed a minute to focus but when they did, she immediately got up. 'Professor Snape, I'm so sorry!' she said as she ran to him to help him get up.

'Get your hands off me, you silly woman!' he snarled at her as he got up and tried to get the dust off his clothes. 'What are you even doing here?' he asked, while he cast a lumos to see her.

'I was just wandering around and ended up here and…' she couldn't talk anymore and just pointed at the mirror. Snape took a good look at her face and noticed she had cried. What in Salazar's name was wrong with this woman? She was a grown up, wasn't she? Then why was she so scared all the time? And now he had found her crying in front of the mirror of Erised for Merlin's sake!

'For Merlin's sake, Miss Saxton, pull yourself together!' he almost shouted at her. 'You're about to be a teacher here, you cannot go on like this! You're being ridiculous, and behaving like a silly child!'

For a moment, Stephanie didn't know what to say. It's not that she hadn't expected a response like this from him, but it was just so...confronting. After a moment of silence she said: 'Magic just scares me. I hate not being in control, and not having any influence on my outbursts..'

'Well has it ever crossed your brilliant muggle mind that learning magic yourself might give you control? You are a witch, so start acting like one!' he snarled. He stalked away and left the room, cloak billowing behind him, leaving Stephanie standing there, speechless.

After a few minutes she left the room as well, automatically walking to her own chambers. During the way down there, she couldn't stop thinking about what Snape had just said.

How could she be so stupid? She had let herself get lost in her old feelings while she needed to focus on becoming a witch! She needed to learn magic!

After a few minutes walking in the dark she got to her door. She quickly got in and went to bed. While she was laying in bed she was still thinking about her confrontation with Snape. He might have been a bit harsh, but it was exactly what she needed: a wake up call. She needed to pull herself together. She could do magic now, with a little practise that is. Slowly she fell asleep, thinking that the mirror of Erised hadn't shown her an impossible dream, but a goal.