I wouldn't say I'm a naturally angry person. Anger is an easy emotion and in a flash it can ruin things. But there were definitely instances where my need to be angry superseded everything else. The first instance I know of was when Mallory Sestille stole Becks' Barbie coloring book in the first grade and denied it. She called me a liar in front of everyone when I confronted her and said I was just jealous that she had something I did not. At recess, when I tried to steal it back from her, a tussle ensued and it ended with Mallory's face square in the mud to my satisfaction. But once the anger ebbed, I always felt empty. Which was somehow worse. Mallory Sestille never messed with Becks again though.
March had passed by without further incident, mostly due to the fact that Maya was rarely able to leave Paul's sight. She spent most of her days with him and when she wasn't with him, she was at her parents house or school.
He didn't trust Jeremy to be around her anymore but Maya had talked him off a ledge when she said it was kind of impossible for her to avoid him at school considering he and Becks were still very much a thing.
Toward the end of March, he had to take a trip to Seattle for work and nearly demanded that she come with him. But Maya pushed back, citing school and upcoming finals. Not to mention, she still hadn't heard back from Columbia or Princeton and was starting to worry.
"You said I was safest on the rez, right?" Maya said one night before he was scheduled to leave for a few days. They were at Sam and Emily's for a pack dinner. Sam and Emily were on the porch and Maya had her legs draped over Paul's lap on the porch swing.
"Yeah, but—" he started.
"Then I'll stay on the rez." Maya said firmly. Paul made a noise of frustration and stood up, lifting her legs off of him. He stomped down the beach toward the rest of the pack and Maya let out a long sigh.
"He'll ease up, just give him time," Emily said softly, "He still carries a lot of guilt about that night and it's hard for them when an imprint gets hurt."
Maya knew this. She could feel it on him whenever he nearly crushed her in a hug. Her arm was healing well, with only a pink line fading into a light scar. The bruises on her neck had faded too and she was almost whole, minus the near constant nightmares.
Maya still couldn't fully remember what had happened the night that she had gotten hurt, but more and more, she had the nagging suspicion that Keye and Becks had seen more than they were willing to share. Each time she tried to bring it up to them over a study session or lunch, they'd casually change the subject. Secrets drove Maya crazy, but if they weren't willing to offer additional information, she stayed stuck in the fog of her own lacking memory.
The tension between her and Paul was steadily rising as well. His constant need to watch over her threw them together more often than not. She was staying over at his house regularly, much to her mother's delight and her father's uneasy complicity. Maya felt simultaneously overwhelmed with joy at getting to be so close to Paul and at the same time completely suffocated. She knew the former was the work of the imprint and she tried to not let herself recline in it too long, but it was impossible when she was always with him.
He'd even started coming over to her house for dinner once a week to get to know her parents more and spread out on her bed while she did homework. It was kind of sweet watching him move through her room for the first time. His broad frame looked so out of place amongst her delicate, soft room. But Maya couldn't help but feel entirely tread on.
Once April had arrived and spring break was upon her, she thought Paul would start to ease up. They were well past the incident, he was taking trips to Seattle again with regularity, and they were finding an easy rhythm.
On one unseasonably warm April day, Maya set up on the back deck at Paul's in her red bikini to sunbathe. It was still almost too cold to do it, but Maya was determined to soak in some extra sun. Not to mention, she needed some persuasive aid to get him to agree to what she was going to ask him. After about 20 minutes, he came out through the back door and stalled instantly when he saw her laid out, nearly naked.
"What are you doing?" his eyes were glued to her body in the small red bikini.
"Getting a pre-tan for the SoCal trip." Maya said, readjusting her sunglasses and not moving to look at him. He stayed by the door, not wanting to get closer. Paul had never seen her this undressed before—that had been her plan though. Take him off guard and then swoop in for the kill.
"What SoCal trip?" He asked. Maya tensed a little at this, steeling herself.
"We're all heading down to SoCal for a few days. I shouldn't be gone longer than a week." She breezed past the brunt of it. Maya knew it was risky to tell rather than ask with him, but she was determined to get him to loosen his grip on her a little and confidence was key.
"What?" He sounded genuinely confused.
"The senior trip...everyone goes to blow off steam and swim in water that isn't freezing." Maya responded easily. Here it comes.
"No." Paul said simply moving toward his workshop now.
"No?" Maya yanked her sunglasses up and leaned up to turn and look at him.
"You're not going to that." He pulled open his workshop doors.
"What why!?" Maya jumped to her feet now and Paul's eyes immediately shot over to her, raking over her body.
"Because it's a huge drive with a bunch of reckless kids, no way. Plus—" he gestured to her body and she looked down at her swimsuit.
"Plus what?!" she said annoyed.
"You? On a beach like that? No way." The jealousy was clear in his voice and Maya glared at him.
"Well, thank you for your concern, but I'm still going." Maya put her hands on her hips and heard that growl rumble in his throat. Paul wasn't great with acts of defiance but to be fair, Maya was more reckless when it came to Paul than she had been throughout her entire life. Maybe it was just the need to rebel against the imprint, but the tighter he held onto her, the more Maya wanted to fight back. But like a slingshot, she'd always rocket back toward him, the imprint pull almost too much for her, and she'd settle in his arms for a bit before trying again. Right now, she was straining against the straps of the slingshot and Paul was tense.
"No you're not." he said with a firm tone, his eyes commanding and clear, locked with hers.
"You're not my keeper. You can't tell me where I can and cannot go." Maya snapped before she realized what she'd said. Paul was simmering under the surface, his eyes burned with the truth of the statement. He desperately wanted to keep her, Maya knew that.
"You're my imprint. And I'm not letting you out of my sight, especially not after what just happened." Maya flinched at this.
"Then let Collin go with me!" Her voice was rising now.
"Because Collin is the beacon of responsibility?" he scoffed, dismissively. Maya was going red in the face now with anger.
"Fine, then Jeremy." She knew this wouldn't fly, but she said it anyway, even if just to get a rise out of him now that there wasn't any winning.
Paul shook his head "Not a chance, Maya. End of discussion." Maya let out a frustrated groan and turned back to lay on the deck. There was no reasoning when he was like this. "Go inside and put some clothes on." He grumbled more to himself.
Maya ignored him and Paul blasted music from his workshop as he started working.
"What do you mean he said no?!" Keye said from her bed as she flipped through her College Algebra textbook. Maya was across from her sitting in the fluffy white egg chair by the window, scribbling notes for her Economics class.
"Just what I said, I thought the bikini would distract him enough to agree to anything," Maya said with a little laugh and then her face fell serious, "But he didn't budge. He's still on the 'Not after what happened' excuse."
"Well, just come anyway," Keye said casually.
"Oh, yeah, like that won't spectacularly backfire. A raging Paul in SoCal scooping me up embarrassingly from the beach in front of literally everyone?" Maya cringed with embarrassment at the thought. He would do it too.
"My, this is fucking weird. What is he going to do when you go to college? Barricade the door?" Keye said angrily. Maya tensed at this and didn't meet her eyes for a second. Paul and her hadn't touched the topic of college since the car conversation. "Hello?" Keye waved at her from the bed. "Seriously My, he needs to loosen up."
"You're telling me," Maya gulped. "But he's still just so wound up after what happened." Maya broached carefully. Keye was suddenly very interested in her textbook. "It was pretty intense, right?"
"Paul has a right to be worried, but he can't keep you locked away forever," Keye slipped. Maya looked at her strangely.
"He has a right to be worried? Before you were like: 'Maya knock him back a few pegs.' And now he has a right?" she probed. Keye's eyes were darting around the page of her textbook but she clearly wasn't reading it, just buying herself some time.
"You're an easy target as an imprint. And Sam's little protection group basically begs for danger at all times so… It makes sense that Paul's all over you at the moment. You had a close call," she replied cryptically.
"Keye, we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It wasn't like a targeted attack or anything nefarious. That club was divey as hell."
Keye shrugged and Maya knew the conversation was already over, but she didn't want to give up so easily.
"What are you not telling me?" she asked her bluntly. Maya had yet to take this approach with her friends. She thought they would eventually talk to her about it once they were over the shock of Maya's injuries, but they never did. Instead they eluded her at every step. Keye's eyes shot up to hers, worried.
"What do you mean?" her voice was small. Keye's voice was never small. Maya pounced.
"You know what I mean, Keye. You and Becks..Jeremy. You guys aren't telling me something about what happened that night. I'm sick of being kept in the dark. So fess up. What the fuck happened?" Maya was burning now. Her phone buzzed next to her, probably Paul, but she ignored it.
"I have no idea what you're—" Keye started slowly.
"Oh fuck OFF! You do! Just tell me." she replied angrily. Keye was at a loss, her mouth hanging open in uncertainty at what to say next.
"Keye?" Keye's mom called from down the stairs as Maya stared at her angrily. Keye gave her an exasperated look and then hopped up from her bed, yanking open her bedroom door and leaving. Maya's phone buzzed again.
Paul: I'm picking you up from Keye's at 8:30.
P: Have you eaten yet?
Maya thought about not responding, but her resolve quickly waned.
Later that night, with Paul's arms wrapped around her waist and his lips on her shoulder drifting in and out of sleep, she whispered:
"Paul, I'm gonna go on the senior SoCal trip." Paul's hand drifted across her stomach and he didn't say anything for a while.
"My, please." he said quietly. His lips grazed her exposed shoulder and gave her goosebumps.
"I want to go," she pleaded. His grip tightened around her waist and she waited.
"Let me think about it," he murmured. Maya sighed and dug her head into the pillow, straining away from him, but his tight grip on her held her body in place against him.
Maya played it cool for the next couple of weeks leading up to spring break. Paul still hadn't made a decision and she was resolved to think that he was definitely not going to let her go willingly. But Keye was still pressuring her to go and Maya reassured her that she was absolutely going to make it no matter what.
The last week before school let out for Spring Break, Maya was perched on Paul's couch with her Spanish book in her lap. Paul was on a phone call outside on the back deck and her eyes darted over to his frame in the moonlight every so often. She was building up the courage to ask him one last time if she could go, but her mind was made up. The plan was to leave Saturday morning and drive through the day and night to their destination to maximize their four days.
When Paul hung up and came inside he walked toward her on the couch.
"Sorry," he said sitting down next to her. "Last minute changes to this project bound for expo."
"That's okay," Maya said sweetly, glancing up at him and returning to practice verbs in her Spanish textbook. Paul started texting on his phone and after about five minutes of comfortable silence, Maya took a deep breath and looked up at him. "Paul?"
"Yes, Maya," he said without looking at her right away.
"Have you thought about it?" she said tentatively, tapping her pencil on her textbook.
"Have I thought about what?" he said slowly, looking at her somewhat confused. Maya deflated and in an almost whine she said,
"The SoCal trip. We're leaving this Saturday so…" she trailed off. Paul ran a hand down his face and gave a groan.
"My, we talked about this." He said, shaking his head.
"No, you said you'd think about it and I said I was going." Maya confirmed, sitting up straighter. He set her with a stare and Maya slumped just a little under his gaze.
"It's not a good idea. I don't feel comfortable letting you go that far for that long without—"
"But Collin will be there! And Jeremy!" Maya complained. Paul opened his mouth to retort but she continued, "I know you don't like Jeremy after whatever you think happened but it wasn't his fault. And anyways, I'd be safe with or without them there."
"I don't trust anyone else to keep an eye on you right now Maya. That's just the way it is." She stared at him for a while and he looked at her seriously again when he said, "The answer is no. It's not safe." Maya's face fell and she felt the anger rising up in her now.
She was never a particularly angry person, but something in the way Paul pushed her made her quick to anger sometimes. And without any good way to get it out, it normally ended up spilling out in some sort of tantrum that she always ended up regretting. But this time, she felt Paul was being totally unreasonable.
"This is bullshit," she slapped her book shut and got up off the couch, striding over to the kitchen table and shoving it in her backpack.
"Maya," Paul tried to placate from the couch.
"No!" Maya said, the anger coming out now, "Paul this is fucking ridiculous. You can't keep me here like this. I want to go with my friends, so I'm going to go." She was walking toward the back door now with her backpack slung on her back as she pulled on her shoes.
"Maya," Paul warned as he got up now. "Stop. You know why I can't let you go. It's too much right now. I'm not saying you can't go anywhere ever, but this trip is too much of a risk and I can't go with you to keep you safe."
"Tough! I can handle myself," her hand was on the door now and Paul was beside her grabbing her arm.
"Don't act like this." There was anger laced in his voice now. "You're staying here tonight, remember?"
"You're the one who's causing this reaction, Paul. You're being unreasonable and I don't want to stay with you when you're like this, so let go of me."
"You can stay upstairs and I'll sleep on the couch." He said firmly not letting go of her arm.
"Let. Go. Of. Me. Paul," Maya said through gritted teeth.
"It's late, you're not walking home in the dark. Stay here and be mad at me." He said, his grip loosening a little on her arm at her request but not completely.
"Paul, let me the fuck go," Maya's voice was rising now. She saw a flicker of anger pass across his eyes that softened into something else—pain?
"I'll let you go when you take off your bag and shoes and come sit down. You're not leaving tonight." He said with an edge of finality.
"I want to leave, let me fucking leave!" Maya pulled against his grasp and he grunted in frustration as he leaned down to pick her up and throw him over his shoulder. "PAUL PUT ME DOWN. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" she yelled. He didn't seem fazed by it and walked her toward the stairs.
"Not until you calm down." he said, trying to control the anger in his voice.
"PAUL I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T PUT ME DOWN I'M GOING TO SCREAM BLOODY FUCKING MURDER." Maya was struggling against him now.
"My Stop!" he said as he let her down. She yanked out of his grip, all fire in her eyes now. She was furious. The suffocating feeling that had been building in her since she and Paul started seeing each other more boiled over. She had to get out of this house so she could breathe and find herself again.
"Don't fucking touch me!" she seethed, taking a step back from him.
"Maya what the fuck is going on? This isn't that big of a deal, I don't get it. You're acting like a baby!" Paul shot back at her, a little too aggressively. Maya stood her ground.
"You do this all the fucking time Paul. I shouldn't have to ask your permission to do anything, imprint or not!" She yelled back. Paul rolled his eyes and tried to take a step toward her. "Stop! Please. Fuck." Maya yelled. He paused. "This isn't working. This is just confusing you and confusing me. What are we even doing?!" Maya was out of breath all of the sudden.
Paul was taken aback and the sadness in his eyes was apparent.
"What do you mean?" he breathed, incredulous.
"You know what I mean." Maya spat. Did he flinch? "This isn't a relationship. This isn't anything. We are not together. We play pretend and you get some sick control over me. I'm tired of it. It's not me. I didn't choose to be an imprint, so you don't get to control me because you think you're protecting me."
"Maya, I need you to help me here. I can't let you leave—"
"Yeah, I got that!" she yelled over him. "But Paul, what happens when I leave for college? What happens when I'm halfway across the country? Are you just going to lock me in your house and call it good?"
Paul's chest was rising and falling with heavy breaths now. The shaking was back but his eyes were still that same worried sad look as before.
"Maya, don't—"
"No! This is not something we can avoid. I am leaving. You get that right? Come the fall, I'm out of here. Off the reservation. Away from all of this. Away from you! And you have to fucking figure that out because I'm not staying. Not for anyone Paul." She yelled, her eyes wild. Paul was focusing on quieting the tremors wracking his body. Maya took her chance and walked hurriedly toward the back door, scooping up her discarded backpack, slamming the door behind her.
Paul didn't chase her as she made her way down the darkened path toward the beach, but she heard a definitive crash sound from his house. Maya didn't look back. Her heart hammered in her chest and when she got far enough down the beach that she couldn't see his house anymore, she collapsed onto the wet sand in shuddering tears.
The rest of the week was spent in radio silence between the two of them. Maya felt broken and more than once she had to control herself when her body begged her to walk to Paul's house.
Jeremy kept giving her sidelong glances at the lunch table, but she ignored them, trying to stay chipper and bright. The excitement for the SoCal trip had evaporated once she left Paul's house, but she put on a wide smile anytime Keye and Becks brought up their planned outfits or excursions for the trip.
That Saturday morning, Maya finished packing her oversized duffel bag with bikinis, cut off jean shorts, cute tops and her toiletries. She checked her phone for the tenth time that morning but still, there was nothing. Keye had sent her a text letting her know they'd be there to pick her up by 9.
Around 8:55, she walked down the stairs and hugged her mom and dad goodbye before stepping out onto the porch to wait for Keye. When she looked up though, a familiar figure stood with his hands in his pockets, pain etched clearly on his face.
Maya's whole body tensed and she clenched her fists as if ready for a fight. Despite the hesitation and rush of anger she felt, seeing him for the first time in almost a week made her heart flutter and instantly fill her with relief.
She sighed and looked down as she descended the steps walking toward him, staying a few feet away from him to give herself space.
"Going somewhere?" He asked quietly.
"What are you doing here?" Maya said, her voice already exhausted.
"I haven't heard from you all week. I was trying to give you space..but I'm not very good at space." His eyes were glued to her.
"Yeah, you mentioned that." Maya crossed her arms. "Keye's on her way to come and get me."
"I know. That's why I'm going to ask you to get in the car." He motioned toward the car.
"You've got to be kidding me. You're unbelievable you know?!" Maya scoffed. "Paul, I'm going on this trip with my friends and you can't stop me because of some weird claim you have on me."
"I'm not going to make you stay here. Just get in the car. Please," his eyes were sincere and he waited for her, popping open the passenger door.
"Paul," Maya groaned.
"Maya. Please. Trust me." He pleaded. Paul tentatively extended his hand toward her and Maya felt that same feeling of resolve break in her. But she couldn't discount that he seemed to be trying. She sighed and reached out for his hand. He pulled her closer and took the duffel bag off her shoulder as she hopped into the passenger seat.
"Where are we going?" She asked when he jumped up into the driver's seat.
"You'll see," he said. A nervous excitement pulsed through Maya as she turned and looked at Paul with curiosity.