Sometimes, when you take one step forward, it actually feels like you take two steps back. But when I'm losing ground, I feel safe knowing that if I reach forward, someone will be there to grab me. My parents, my friends, my community. They're all there for me. This time, when I lose ground and I reach out, I hope that his hand pulls me forward. But maybe that's asking too much. Maybe I ruin things out of fear. Or maybe that's not the hand that should pull me forward. I'm responsible for what happens next. So why am I relying on others to pull me forward when I can do it myself?
Maya had been standing next to the bonfire feeling colder despite the licking flames when Jeremy approached her across the clearing after Paul disappeared.
"Jer," Maya breathed. She felt light headed, she felt dizzy, she felt like she needed to sit down.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" he said, his eyes pleading. Maya nodded, her eyes darting back to the empty space where Paul once stood. Jeremy pulled her off out of the clearing and just inside the tree line. The cool crush of the forest wrapped Maya in quiet and she looked up at Jeremy expectantly.
"Are you okay?" he started. Maya was confused at this.
"Yeah, what do you mean?" she said, her eyebrows knitted across her forehead.
"I mean, Chief Black. What did he say?" This was not the question Maya was expecting. She took a step back from Jeremy now and crossed her arms.
"He basically threatened me," she said.
"What? Threatened you?" Jeremy was the one confused now.
"Yeah, he said that if I didn't make the necessary decisions that pointed me in the right direction, that 'we would do it for you'," she quoted in a dark ominous voice mocking Chief Black's. Maya waited for Jeremy to shed light on what he might have meant, but instead he shook his head and said:
"That's weird." They both stared at each for a minute and then without pausing, Jeremy said, "Look, I need you to do me a favor. Paul is….he's in rough shape and I totally respect your decision to break up with him or whatever, but you need to talk to him. And tell him…" he trailed off now. Maya's eyes went wide in surprise.
"Tell him what? That he shouldn't have lied to me? That he should have just told me what was going on? That this...imprint, our tribe, is so much bigger than anything I could have imagined?" Maya wasn't angry anymore, she was just tired and strung out on her grief. Jeremy shook his head, his face screwed up in pain now.
"Tell him that he's not a monster," Jeremy stated plainly, the pain laced clearly in his voice now.
"What?" Maya breathed.
"He thinks you hate him for what he is and that you consider him a monster...that he could never be what you want him to be. It's killing him. You have to tell him...I know you don't think that, My. Because if you thought that he was a monster, then what does that make me?" Jeremy's eyes were wet now.
"You're not...you're not a monster," Maya said walking toward him.
"Then talk to him. Maya he's...I've never seen him like this."
"I just need some..time. I need to get through finals and get my head around this. I have fucking wolf whiplash," she said quickly. Jeremy laughed at this and the sound startled Maya.
"Wolf whiplash, that's good," he said, still chuckling. Maya gave him a tentative smile. "He's in love with you Maya." She sucked in a sharp breath at that. "I know I'm not the one who should tell you that, but if it wasn't clear to you before this then maybe you need to hear it."
"I know he does," she said after a long pause. "I…" but she couldn't finish that sentence.
"If you care about him, even a little bit. You'll talk to him. Just let him tell you what happened. And then you can walk away. Just give him that chance..to explain."
Maya stared at Jeremy with a determined look, her body cool now.
"Okay."
Three weeks later...
"Maya." Paul breathed. Maya stood in the dimly lit living room, hair pulled away from her face in a high ponytail short jean cut off shorts and baby blue linen top that tied around her midsection and ended in two soft petal sleeves over her shoulders. Paul stood frozen in place before her and his eyes lit up with trepidation. Maya clenched and unclenched her fists, trying to ease the pain pulsing through them as they begged to reach out and touch him. "What are you…" he said, his voice rough, hard, wanting.
"I came to talk to you," Maya said finally. She had no idea how she was able to formulate words at this moment. The breath was gone from her and her entire body felt like it would burst apart at any moment. Just being in front of him sent shockwaves through her body and down her legs, making her knees quake. She wanted imprint wanted him. And Maya was growing tired of denying it. She slowly walked around the couch to stand across from him, making sure to stay far enough away to turn and make a quick exit if he lost control on her again.
"To talk," he repeated back to her. His eyes were glued to her face as his chest rose and fell in obvious stress. Maya had to do this right, to protect them both, but she wasn't sure if she could.
"Yes. I know it's been...hard," she nearly choked. Paul took two steps toward her and she held her hand up in front of her, eyes wide and said "Stop!" she pulled in ragged breaths, "Stay there, please." she begged. His eyes were frantic, wide, pain evident.
"My," he said softly and she nearly crumbled.
"I came to tell you...to tell you that you're not a monster." She said quickly so as not to lose her nerve. "I would never...ever think you were a monster, Paul." Her voice shook obviously now and it took everything for her to stay in place. His face turned hard. "I was upset that you didn't tell me sooner. And in Santa Monica when we...changed, I thought that meant we were moving forward together."
"We were." he said, "But you stalled us." His voice was angry now and Maya watched him carefully.
"That's not fair." she whispered. "I didn't feel like you gave me a choice anymore. If you lied to me about—"
"I didn't lie," he interrupted her and Maya sucked in a sharp breath, "I was going to tell you, I just…"
"What?" Maya said, frustration building. Maya had the growing feeling that this wasn't going to end well, but she stayed still.
"I just wanted a little more time with you as just us. We already had so much pressure with the imprint and the council. And when we finally got together, I wanted to give you just a moment of a normal relationship without introducing all of this….wolf shit into it too. You deserved something that was good for no other reason than it was just good." He paused watching her reaction, every nerve ending in his body buzzing to close the distance. "I was going to tell you. You just didn't give me a chance to explain."
Maya was angry now. Not just at him, but at herself. Things kept getting in between them and she never knew if that would end. Now, with the wolf out of the bag, she knew that the next thing that would come between them would be when she left for college. There was no end in sight, but still, the imprint begged her closer. It was maddening, confusing.
"Here's your chance," she said, tears coming to her eyes now. "Tell me the truth." His eyes softened, and the stone facade on his face eased into one of relief.
"Maya," he started, taking one step forward, "I know this is going to sound crazy, but sometimes I turn into a giant wolf in my free time." Another step, "And I know things are complicated between us and that you're going to leave for college," Another step forward, "But if you don't let me touch you, this pain is going to make me explode." He was close enough now to see her eyes glittering with tears and hear the sharp intake of breath as she listened so intently to him that it crushed his heart. Another step forward and he was close enough to bring his hand up to her face and touch it. She closed her eyes at the feeling of his warm broad hand against her cool cheek.
Maya knew now that if she let him go any farther, this would be it. She opened her eyes to look up at him, opening her mouth as if to say she had to go, but his eyes stopped her. They bored into hers and she saw the path that was laid before them. And she still didn't know if it was what she wanted.
"Maya," he said gently, his thumb brushing across the crest of her cheek to catch a tear that had escaped, "I'm in love with you." She let out a laugh that was choked by a sob and let her eyes fall to his chest for a moment, just to break the connection for a second. And as the imprint begged her face upward, she nodded at him which he took as the green light to lower his lips thankfully to hers.
The rush of it pushed into her and made her swell with light. His arms were wrapped down around her back now, pressing her body hard into his as she clutched either side of his face. She parted her lips to let his frenzied tongue into her mouth.
He pulled back for a moment to look at her face, his eyes darting around for an answer, and before she could answer his unspoken question, he picked her up under her thighs, wrapping her legs around his back and carried her up the stairs to the bedroom.
When he placed her gently down on the soft bed, his body hovering over hers as his hands made their way down to untie the knot at the front of her shirt, Maya let out a huff of air, her brain reeling. Was she really going to do this? There would be no turning back if she did. His hands were on the button of her shorts, and they were pulled down her legs and tossed aside in one swift movement. Paul's head dipped to kiss around the line of her hips and little pockets of fire bloomed where his lips pressed.
He was pushing her top up to expose her breasts, pleased that she wasn't wearing a bra and his mouth fell to encase her nipple in his lips immediately with a soft groan. She pulled her bunched up top over her head and threw it aside, letting her fingers rake through his mop of hair as she let out soft, startled moans at the pleasure rippling through her.
Maya leaned up a little causing him to take his mouth off of her and look up. She quickly grabbed the sides of his shirt and pulled it off over his head. Paul looped a hand around her naked back and hoisted her farther up the bed, so her head rested on the pillows as she let her hands drift down his naked chest, coming to rest on the top of his jeans. His lips were working around her shoulder and neck and she hesitated for one brief second, trying to make up her mind.
Things were already complicated, messy even. And they would probably continue to get messier if their recent history was any indication of things to come. But Maya wanted to try a different way, one where she wasn't holding on so tightly to her self control. She promised herself that she wouldn't let the imprint derail her, but she was tired of fighting against impulses with Paul that felt natural, that felt like something more than the imprint. Life would get messier, and Maya would wade through it when the time came.
Decision now made, her fingers unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and she started to push them down his hips. He stopped kissing her to bring his eyes in front of her face, confusion set with desire.
"Are you sure?" he asked softly and Maya thrilled at the question. She nodded quickly, her eyes communicating the aching pulse that was happening between her legs. He lowered his face down to kiss her softly, letting his lips linger over hers as his right hand drifted down the middle of her body, his fingertips whispers on her skin. They stopped only briefly to circle the nipple of her right breast, caressing the curve and then running across her stomach that rose and fell in labored breaths before slipping under the soft, blue lace of her underwear and sliding between her folds.
Maya let out a soft sigh of release at his touch that rubbed the pool of warmth growing there. He dipped his index finger into her as she let out a soft moan, and spread her legs open more for him. A soft guttural growl sounded in Paul's throat in response to her body and pushed his lips back onto hers. He worked his fingers at her more, letting his thumb circle and press at the top of her ridge pulling heady breaths from her now. When she breathed his name, want dripping from her lips, he removed his hand and backed off the bed to take off his pants and briefs quickly.
He was back on top of her in a flash and as he stared into her half lidded eyes, he brought a hand to her face to stroke his thumb across her lips. She puckered her lips and kissed it softly, her hand snaking down underneath them to take him full and hard in her hand. His mouth dropped open softly at this and as she pulled softly on the length of him, he let out a low sound that drove Maya crazy. His eyes had shut at some point, focusing on the feeling of her soft hand around him and when he opened his eyes to look at her again, she was smiling. He smiled back and kissed softly against her lips before saying once more, "You're sure?"
She nodded again and said softly, "Yes, I'm sure." and with her hand still on him, guiding him in, he pushed into her slowly. Maya let out a cry of pain laced with pleasure and when she let go of his member to thread her arms around his neck, he gripped her hips and lowered his mouth to her ear. She whimpered softly as he gently pushed halfway into her and then pulled out slowly.
"Breathe," he whispered to her, "Relax into it." He was covered in her warmth and he could have easily slipped all the way into her wet center if he wanted to, but instead, he gently pressed halfway in and pulled out slowly to get her used to him, pressing soft kisses to the side of her face and lips. Paul was holding so tightly to her hips to keep himself in control of his movement that he thought he might bruise her. After a few minutes of gently opening her, Maya's moans coming easy and relaxed now he brought his face up over hers so he could look into her eyes. He wanted to watch her face for this part.
"Deep breath," he said to her and she obeyed. As she filled her lungs with sweet breath, he pushed all the way into her, burying himself in her until his hips connected to hers. Her eyes went wide in shock, pleasure, relief, ecstasy and she let out a loud cry of pleasure.
Maya felt the imprint in her rejoice, racketing unshakable pleasure through her body that made her buzz with happiness. It felt like every nerve was standing on end and exhaling in one moment then standing erect at attention the next.
"You okay?" he said, his breath labored, and his face shining anew with hope at the beautiful woman that laid under him, wanting him, begging him forward.
"Yeah," she said elated and with an achingly gorgeous grin that Maya tried hard to hold in her mind, he began to thrust in and out of her. She didn't think she could get any higher, but his rhythm filled her with a need that had roared to life the second he entered her. She wanted more of him if that was even possible and the ache gripped and tensed around him inside of her making her moan into his mouth, his ear, his shoulder.
Paul was working toward release, still in shock that he was buried in her considering that just an hour ago she had felt lost to him. And as he kissed every part of her that his mouth could reach without pulling out of her, his mind flashed with the need to give her everything. This woman could bring him to his knees and he welcomed it now if it meant he got to have her like this. This perfect moment where nothing existed except their need for one another was something worth protecting and fighting for.
When he felt himself getting close, the response from her body tugging and gripping him so much he thought he'd pass out, he rubbed his thumb at the top of her ridge again. This made Maya throw her head back, her back arch as she revelled in the utter overstimulation. She could feel him building to climax inside of her as his desperate moans gave him away.
"Wait!" she gasped.
"My, please," he replied and in one swift moment, he came in her as she reached a crescendo, her body tensing and twitching under him in one beautiful release.
He collapsed on top of her with a groan of release and quickly rolled himself off her and to the side. They laid there for a moment, their chests rising and falling in unison, out of breath. When he had gotten himself under control, he rolled on his side, letting a hand grip her waist.
"We're in trouble," he said, his voice gravelly from their efforts. Maya laughed, turning her head to look at him, still catching her breath.
"You can say that again. I'm not on birth control," she let out a laugh and Paul groaned before lowering his head to bury it in her shoulder and let out a laugh.
"Fuck," he said, amused. "I'll be back." He said, leaning up and bounding out of the bed to pull on some sweats and t-shirt. When he turned to look at her, his eyes running the length of her naked body, relaxed in post-coital relief, he smiled and said "Don't even think about getting dressed."
She laughed and he was off.
Messy. Maya thought to herself. They may be messy, but they worked.