I've never been a jealous person, but I guess when it comes to love, the lines can tend to get a little blurred. My mother always warned me that jealousy was something that ate away at you if you let it. That it would break apart whatever was good and pure and leave half of what was once whole. But I've experienced jealousy first hand more than once: a boy in second grade wanted to sit next to me so bad during our free paint hour that he pushed another boy out of his chair, then in middle school I watched as one boy tugged Keye away from another boy at the spring fling dance, and then more recently, with Paul, whenever Jeremy got too close or if someone he didn't particularly like talked to me, he'd pull me aside, crush his lips to mine and remind me of the imprint. Maybe the rules of jealousy don't work the same when it comes to that, but either way, I know jealousy's name now and he always makes himself known to me.
The next week Maya spent mostly alone. Paul was increasingly absent due to more protection rounds and juggling work. She even had to intercept a call from Michael one day when Paul had left his phone on the kitchen counter and it had buzzed so incessantly that Maya couldn't take it anymore.
When she wasn't at Paul's, Maya was bent over her pros and cons list for Columbia and Princeton up in her room, or at the diner, or at Keye's. She still hadn't decided and the deadline was getting close. The crushing weight of the decision was sparking something rebellious in Maya. She didn't know why, but she wanted to do anything other than make this decision right now.
She wanted to have shower sex with Paul, or go cliff jumping with Becks and Keye, or take a nighttime joyride to Port Angeles and wind up at a club, or keep on driving through the night until they hit open desert. This was one of Maya's most distinct flaws, or what she thought of as a flaw, she had the spontaneous urge to do something reckless when a big decision or paper or life changing thing was about to happen.
In the short moments that Paul wasn't asleep or rushing out to rounds, Maya tried to ask him about what was going on. He had never spent this much time away before and while Sadie said it wasn't uncommon for them to be out on rounds a lot, that hadn't been Maya's experience. But maybe this was another instance of Maya having inexperience in a relationship, in the pack, in everything. The thought of it made her cringe. Paul wasn't really interested in talking that much in his limited time. Mostly, whenever he got home from rounds or came in from his workshop after grinding through another piece, he'd scoop Maya up if she was over and take her to bed, lay her across the kitchen table, bend or over the couch, or set her up on the kitchen counter, pushing her legs open, and fitting himself inside of her hard with unrelenting need.
Maya never protested. Connecting this way with Paul always made her feel in control, safe, and overwhelmingly happy. She had no decisions to make when she and Paul made love, it was just the purest connection that cleared her head and kept her close. The pull to do something reckless ebbed when she was with him too. But that feeling always came back in full force as soon as he was gone again.
On Friday afternoon, she texted him. He'd been out most of the day, making some local deliveries for some finished pieces and then he was off to do rounds with Jared.
M: Heading over to Emily's to hang with Sadie. Becks is coming to pick me up.
P: Okay, stay on the rez today. If I get done with rounds early, I'll swing by and grab you from Emily's.
Why did she need to stay on the rez today? As Maya adjusted the belt on her cut off jean shorts and black cropped top with large silver buttons down the front, she rolled her eyes. He never gave her a reason when he told her to do something. This was also the third time this week that she had checked in with him and he told her to stay on the rez. She hadn't planned on going anywhere else, but being told to stay put when she very much wanted to feel free was maddening.
She also knew that he wouldn't finish rounds early. Wishful thinking on his part.
When Becks picked her up, they headed toward Emily's in a roundabout way so they had more time cruising alone together. Becks had decided that she was going to Northwestern for college and while Jeremy was bummed, they had recently had a very serious talk about ending their relationship sooner rather than later. Becks was constantly worried that Jeremy would eventually imprint and leaving him here to pine for her while she was away at college was not a better scenario.
Becks had originally been sad by the outcome, but after a few tearful phone calls with Maya and Keye, she had come to terms with it. Plus, they still cared about each other so much that staying friends for now, sans imprint, was easy.
"So, he really won't fill you in on what's going on?" Becks said. Jeremy had been less than forthcoming with her too, but after conferring on the car ride, both girls had agreed that something was going on that was keeping them away longer and longer.
"Literally nothing. Every time I try to bring something up, he takes my pants off and I kind of lose focus," Maya laughed a little. He was very distracting when he wanted to be and Maya, while annoyed that he clearly wasn't telling her something, didn't feel like she was in any danger. "What about you?"
"Nothing. He says everything's fine, they're just being extra cautious after the incident with you, but they got that thing that night, right?"
"I thought so," Maya said. She shivered remembering that night and the cold, tight hand around her neck and blood stained eyes that flashed sometimes still in her dreams.
"So weird," Becks said, turning into the clearing in front of Emily's house. True to Sadie's word, Emily's front door was always open. Her kids were playing out on the porch when Maya and Becks walked up. As they walked through the open door, Sadie crowed a hello and Emily hugged both of them.
"So glad you came by!" Emily said, her warm smile lighting up the room. "There's tea and muffins and food in the fridge. I need to put some kiddos down for a nap, but I'll be back."
The girls grabbed some drinks and headed to the backyard to sit around the fire pit. The day was definitely cooler for the beginning of June and the sky threatened to open up at any moment and rain down on them.
"So Sadie, do you live in Forks then?" Becks asked as she took a sip of her drink.
"Yeah! I live close to mainstreet," she said.
"Have you noticed anything weird lately?" Maya said softly.
"Weird? No, not really. But Seth has been asking me to stay with him on the reservation a lot lately...why?" Sadie looked curious. So then maybe it wasn't just Paul not telling her what was happening. It seems like the pack wasn't giving up information. But, if anyone knew what was going on with the pack, it would be Emily. "Oh!" Sadie interjected into Maya's thoughts, "I forgot to ask you guys—this guy in my Ancient History class is throwing a party or whatever tomorrow night. Would you guys want to come with me? I don't think Seth is going to be able to come with all these rounds but I really really want to go."
Maya and Becks looked at each other, excitement spreading across their faces. Since the incident in Port Angeles, Maya and her friends hadn't gone anywhere which was out of character for the trio. The summer revival was the closest they came but that felt more like a school dance and less like a nightclub raging with people you didn't know.
"Can Keye come?" Becks asked, her eyes lit up.
"Oh my god yes!" Sadie replied, clapping her hands together.
"Where is it at?" Maya asked, sipping her drink and starting to weigh the risk versus rewards of telling Paul.
"Umm, so details are pretty vague, but rumor has it it will be at this old warehouse that skirts the river just outside of Forks," Sadie was buzzing.
Off rez? Maya thought, Perfect.
"We're in," Becks said with a nod to Maya. "Speaking of, we should plan a trip to Seattle or Port Angeles soon. Bring Sadie into the partying fold," Just them Emily emerged from the house coming to sit with them.
"Ohh I'd love that!" Sadie replied. "Let's plan it."
"I'd be careful with straying too far right now. The guys seem really on edge," Emily interjected. Maya watched her, a hard look coming across her face.
"Yeah, but on edge or not, Paul never lets me do anything anyway," Maya said. Emily's face softened as she looked at her now.
"Take it easy on him, My. He's trying. I think he's just struggling to figure you out." she replied.
"Me?!" Maya's voice piqued. "Mr. Mystery? Mr. Control is trying to figure me out?! It's always stay put, come here, don't go there, no to this, no to that. And I never get a reason." Maya scoffed and took another sip of her drink. Her eyes fluttered back down to Emily. "He can't keep me here forever."
"I know. And I'm not saying you should. Paul's had a rough go of it early on and once he found his stride, he's held pretty tightly to it. And now that you're with him...he's just trying to make it all work. I think he forgets that you're incredibly strong willed though and are going to do what you want, as we've seen," she leveled her with her eyes now and Maya gulped. "And I think Paul should have his boundaries tested more than anyone, so I think it's okay that you push him. But he is trying." Maya nodded at this. Something about Emily telling her this clicked something into place for her.
If Paul was struggling to make Maya fit, then she'd show him how she did. She'd push him within reason, but he had to give her some wiggle room. The rest of the day was spent on less heavy topics and as Maya had predicted, Paul wasn't getting off rounds early. As she hugged Sadie goodbye, she whispered in her ear,
"Let's keep the details of the party between us, okay?" Sadie had laughed and nodded her head. She sympathized with Maya's plight of overprotective Paul even though Seth was the opposite.
She had Becks drop her back off at Paul's to help avoid suspicion so that when she casually mentioned to Paul the next day that she was going to spend the night at Becks, he wouldn't be any the wiser.
Late that night, she heard Paul come in, shower quickly, and then drop into bed next to her with a low sound that mixed in with the sound of thunder rolling outside. Maya turned her body to face him and wrapped her arms up around his neck. Paul could barely hold his eyes open as he dipped his head to nestle himself under her chin, his head pressing softly to the top of her chest as his arms circled down around her back. Maya stroked the back of his neck and let her other hand lightly scratch along the length of his shoulders. He gave a small sigh and goosebumps erupted across his skin.
"You okay?" she whispered. He'd never held onto her like this, where she cradled him into her body instead of the reverse. Maya didn't get an answer to her question. He had already fallen asleep and she kissed the top of his clean head before closing her eyes and drifting off to the sound of the thrashing rain.
When she woke up the next morning, rare morning light streaming through the windows, Paul was laying across her stomach, his arms wrapped around her back and lying diagonally across the bed. Maya leaned her head up to look down at him and placed a hand in his hair as she rubbed her eyes and gave a large yawn. The sharp inhale of breath caused Paul to turn his head toward her, eyes still closed. Maya ran her hand softly across his forehead, brushing the shaggy hair aside that fell there. As she watched him, her finger tracing the strong line of his eyebrow, softened splendidly by sleep, her heart raced. She heard that familiar word sound in the back of her head that said Mine. But this time, it was her voice that said it. This frustratingly, sweet, kind, stubborn man was hers forever if she chose. And for the first time since he imprinted, Maya saw it as a choice rather than an unshakable fate that decided her future for her.
The choice seemed easy to Maya now. Awash in the morning light, his face turned up toward her, sleeping peacefully, she let herself choose a life with him and watched it unfold in her mind. She found herself craving it quickly, her stomach fluttering with anticipation unexpectedly, and she knew he could feel the change in her heartbeat as his hands tightened around her back in response. For once, the imprint felt like a blessing rather than a curse. Something that held her upright rather than kept her in place and the shift that Maya felt now, re-memorizing the lines of his face in this new morning light, made her ache to know that he wanted her forever too, as Paul.
His eyes gently opened and looked up at her face and Maya lost her breath for a moment. He was gorgeous and when he looked at her like that, like she was a sunset, nothing compared.
"Morning," Maya said softly. Paul gave an incoherent grumble and she smiled. He put his face down on her stomach squeezing her to him tightly for a second and then pulled his face up again to yawn.
"What time is it?" he mumbled softly. Maya combed her hand through the front of his dark hair and used her other hand to pick up her phone.
"Mmm, just after 9. What time did you get home last night?" she asked as he groaned and closed his eyes again.
"4 I think." he sighed and turned his head to kiss across her stomach absently. Maya's heart fluttered at the feeling.
"Go back to sleep," Maya offered.
"Can't. I have to finish a couple of pieces that I'm behind on for a Seattle client." he started to unwrap his arms from under her and pull himself up. "Do you want some breakfast?" He rubbed his eyes and popped up out of bed. Maya sat up with her arms wrapped around her knees and watched him.
"Do you have to do rounds again tonight?" Her eyes were pleading. Paul paused to look at her seriously.
"Yeah." he said simply, an edge to his voice.
"Paul, what's going on?" Maya shook her head. "Something's off. All of the pack is out all night doing rounds, you're telling me not to leave the rez, what's happening?"
"Nothing, My," he breathed.
"Bullshit." she replied simply.
Paul's face set in a hard line as if he was deciding something. Maya stayed put, her face determined, "My—" he started, resigned.
"Just tell me!" she cut him off and he let out a frustrated sound that made her eyes go wide.
"Fine!" he snapped, "We're running rounds late because that bloodsucker who tried to kill you has friends. Most of them tore off when they saw us the first few times, but one keeps coming back, skirting in and outside of our line, but it keeps getting away. We don't know what it wants or if it's just fucking with us, but that's why I need you to stay put. If anything happened to you—" his eyes were fierce, burning, and Maya was having trouble keeping her breathing even. He held his hand over his eyes for a second to gather himself and then looked at her, softer now, "We're just trying to keep everyone safe. Okay?" Maya's eyes were glued to him. "What?" He asked a little too harsh.
"Nothing," Maya breathed. The red eyes flashed in her mind now. How close she had been to death had never really occurred to Maya until now. She swallowed hard and tried to keep it together. Paul was already upset, she didn't need to add to that, "Thank you for telling me." She said, a stilted tone in her voice.
"You're welcome. Now do you want breakfast or not?" He teased. Maya let a small smile play on her face and she nodded, darting out of bed past him as he smacked her butt as she went by.
Maya sat out on the back porch so she could see Paul in his workshop from where she sat with his laptop open on her lap. She had borrowed it to finish the paperwork to fill out to enroll in college starting in the fall. Maya had finally made a decision. That morning, after breakfast with him, she had stared at him for a second over her empty bowl of oatmeal and said,
"It's gotta be Columbia." She just blurted it out. Paul looked at her, not shocked at all and just nodded.
"I thought so."
"What? What do you mean you thought so? How?" Maya hadn't even decided until that moment. He shrugged.
"You look good in blue." He gave her a teasing smile and she broke out in laughter.
After that, she had asked to use his laptop so that she could officially accept and fill out what she needed to be eligible to enroll in the fall. They had offered her a full academic scholarship for all four years and accommodation for the first year. Paul had kissed her as she sat on a lounge chair on the porch before he tucked himself into his workshop for the morning and most of the afternoon.
By four, he was finished and on the phone with Michael to confirm a pickup for the finished pieces as Maya ate some leftovers, her legs wrapped around his torso from her place on the counter. She intermittently fed him bites from her bowl and listened to the one sided conversation. Next to her, her phone buzzed. She spooned one more mouthful of leftover lasagna into his mouth before setting the bowl down and releasing him from her hold. He wandered aimlessly around the kitchen finalizing details with Michael as Maya opened her messages.
Sadie: We still on for tonight?
Maya glanced up knowingly at Paul. Now that she knew what the pack was chasing, she felt guilty for wanting to still go to the party with Sadie. There was a pretty big chance that he would find out where she was and while she wasn't afraid of any consequences, she didn't want to put him through any more stress. He was running on little sleep and trying to juggle everything. What if she just told him? What could he do? Tell her no and she'd go anyway? Her mind flashed back to when he'd told her no to the senior road trip to SoCal. That had worked out pretty well for her, but she didn't think she'd get whisked away on a trip this time to make up for it. She watched him pace back and forth now in the kitchen.
He'd say no for sure. And she did really want to go. Plus how much danger could she be in with a group of college kids? She was technically going to be a college kid herself soon enough. Maya tapped back a quick reply.
Maya: Absolutely! We'll pick you up around 9?
Sadie: Perfect! Yay! I'm so excited, I haven't been to a party in ages!
Maya: Me too.
Paul ended his call and Maya quickly put her phone down next to her.
"Who was that?" he asked her. She smiled and put a hand to his face and he turned to kiss the inside of her palm.
"Becks, asking if I could stay over at hers tonight. She's pretty lonely now that she and Jer split up. Is that okay?" Maya asked sweetly. Paul nearly melted at her asking permission.
"Well, since you asked so nicely," he said in a low tone that made Maya shiver as he gripped her hips. She draped her arms over his shoulders as he pulled her to him, pressing his body to hers. She started to laugh and threw her head back as he kissed along her collarbone."Okay, go get your stuff and I'll swing you by Becks'. I need to be here for this pickup."
Maya suddenly flushed with guilt and nodded. She bolted up the stairs and pulled out one of the weekender bags that had magically appeared for her in his closet one afternoon and filled it with some outfit choices for the evening. Once finished, she zipped it closed and spun around just as Paul entered the room.
"Almost ready?" he said, pulling a shirt out of his drawer and changing out of the one he was wearing.
"Almost," she breathed with her hands behind her back. He paused, his eyes narrowing as he looked at her. Maya's heart picked up.
"You okay?" He was watching her carefully. Maya kept her breathing even to slow her heart rate. If he figured out something was off, Maya wasn't sure she'd be able to convince him otherwise and then the night would be over. She gave him a sweet smile.
"Yeah, of course," she bounded over to him and put a hand to his face leaning in for a quick kiss. He held her to him for a minute, grabbing her by the wrist and searching her eyes. Once satisfied, he let her go and Maya let out a breath she had been holding.
"Okay, let's go then!" he said casually. He picked up her bag from the bed and followed her down the stairs. When he dropped her off at Becks' place, Maya held onto his kiss for a little longer than normal. With a parting wave, he was off and Maya, feeling guiltier than before, made her way into the small house before her.
Maya and Becks spent most of the afternoon sunbathing in her backyard before they got rained out. Keye came by at about 7 and the girls started to get ready. Maya was showering in Becks' en suite bathroom with the door open while Keye leaned on the vanity and did her eye makeup.
"Do you really feel that guilty?" Keye said as she carefully winged her eyeliner. The girls had decided to go for an all black look tonight to couple with the sneaky atmosphere they felt fall over them at not having told a single member of the pack what they were up to.
"I mean yeah, he's stretched so thin and I just want to go to a party?" Maya said from in the shower, rinsing the shampoo from her hair.
"You're 18, what does he expect? You to stay home and do the laundry and wait for him naked in bed like a good little housewife or something?" Keye sounded annoyed.
"That's not fair," Becks said, now entering the bathroom and pulling on the black thigh high, lace banded stockings.
"Bullshit," Keye continued, "Even if this vampire hunting shit wasn't happening he still wouldn't let you go, admit it." She was right and Maya knew it. It didn't help ebb the feeling of guilt growing in her stomach though.
Maya turned off the shower and stepped out before grabbing a towel. "He's gonna find out anyway. Either tonight or later when someone slips up. Maybe I should just text him when we're there and let him know?" Maya was trying to think of every way that she could do this but none of them gave her the outcome that she wanted.
"Fuck that. Imprint or not, Maya, you are still a person capable of doing independent things. You don't have to run every little thing by your boyfriend," Keye said. Becks looked on with a worried look on her face. While Keye wasn't wrong, and Maya was her own person, things worked a little differently in the world of imprints. More and more, Maya was coming to understand the physical implications of hurting or betraying your imprint. They had power over their imprinter, whether they wanted it or not, and the last thing Maya wanted to do was hurt him with it.
Resigned to go, Maya donned the shortest black miniskirt that she owned that was slit on the front right thigh. She pulled on a black halter that looked similar to a sports bra and finished it with the matching black thigh high lace banded stockings that Keye and Becks wore too. Maya straightened her hair in long thick black sheets and did some smokey black eyeshadow and winged eyeliner.
"We look like hot goth chicks who greet you at the doors to hell," Keye laughed as they stood together to look in the mirror at each other. Maya and Becks burst into laughter too.
They piled into Becks' car and drove quietly until they were off the reservation. Only then did they roll down the windows and blast their music on the way to pick up Sadie from her apartment.
Maya felt a rush of adrenaline course through her once they exited the rez. She hadn't been off rez without Paul in awhile. Maybe that was because the last time she left without him she had almost died. Her heart hammered in her chest with excitement and slight fear and she had the sudden urge to text him and tell him where she was.
Paul could always keep her safe, but she wanted to hold onto this opposing feeling of freedom just a bit longer. When they arrived at Sadie's, she was already skipping down the stairs from her second story apartment in a tight blue minidress with bright white Keds. The girls hung out the car window and cheered for her as she struck a pose at the bottom of the steps before scurrying to pile into the backseat next to Maya. Sadie guided them through Forks and then onto a logging road that ran down by the river. After what felt like forever, bumping along on the dirt road, they came to a row of industrial buildings in a plowed down clearing. At one end, they could see lights and hear the booming music. They parked closer to the building where the party was happening amongst a throng of 20 or so other cars, spilling out and onto the cool earth.
The foursome was all smiles as they trudged toward the thumping warehouse, linked arm and arm. Once inside, Maya relaxed a little bit. There were tons of people crammed into the spacious warehouse. Music blared from speakers at a DJ station set up on the far end of the building and someone had hung strobe lights as well as twinkling white lights from the rafters. Keye was buzzing and Becks couldn't believe their luck. In all their time in and around La Push, they'd never stumbled upon a party like this.
Since there were so many people crushed and dancing in the room, Maya felt at ease that no one would recognize them if anyone from the rez was actually there. It wasn't long before they had drinks in hand and found themselves in the center of the dance floor. Everything melted away and as Maya drank more, she felt herself more at ease.
The night carried on easily for them. Keye and Becks were dancing with different people, drinks changing hands, mouths dropping onto mouths. Sadie and Maya stayed close to one another to avoid dancing with anyone who got too close. Her previous feelings of guilt drifted away as the night wore on. She was having one of the best nights she had had with her friends in a long time. Things felt simple and as she drank more, Maya found laughter falling from her mouth with ease as the lights spun above her.
At some point during the night, Sadie disappeared for a second and Maya, lost in her whole world, continued dancing on her own. Suddenly, a hand grabbed her arm and her eyes shot lazily to the figure who grasped her. She smiled when she saw that it was Sadie but the tight grip on her arm gave Maya the uncanny feeling that something was wrong.
"What?" Maya yelled over the music. Her hair was slick with sweat and she found it hard to focus on Sadie for too long.
"Seth is here," she said seriously. A thousand thoughts raced through her mind at once as a dull sense of panic set in.
"Fuck," Maya finally said. Sadie nodded and Maya looked around her quickly to locate Keye and Becks. There was no plan. When she saw them off to the side chatting up some guys.
"Maya," Sadie called for her again and she spun around. Seth was walking toward them and Sadie was walking to intercept him. Seth, so unlikely to look unhappy, wore a frown on his face that was drenched in worry. Maya, fully panicking, now backed into the crowd and rushed toward the door, pulling her phone out.
She had no new messages and no missed calls. As she broke out into the cool night air, the music thudding behind her, she pulled up Paul's name and tapped call. The line rang three times before his familiar warm voice pulled on the other line.
"My?" He said. He didn't seem upset, but Maya knew what she had to do.
"Don't get mad," she said slowly. She could tell her voice sounded off, a little drunk, slurred even. There was a pause and then,
"Where are you?" His tone was firm, but not mad yet.
"Please don't get mad, you have to promise," Maya pleaded.
"Maya, where the fuck are you?!" His voice rose in obvious anger now but his tone was more pleading.
"I'm at a party, down by the river in one of the old warehouses with Keye and Sadie and Becks." she admitted. There was a long pause where Maya thought she could hear him breathing and then,
"Stay put, I'm coming to get you." The line disconnected and Maya looked down at her phone uncertain.
"Fuck," she whispered again.