Staring at All Might on the screen, tears streaming down his face, four-year-old Izuku Midoriya asks his mother, "Can I become a hero?"

As she bursts into tears and clutches him, Izuku becomes aware of loud, sad music playing. It drowns out her words. He blinks. "Mom, do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Inko wipes off her face. The music continues.

Furthermore, Izuku hears his own voice narrating, "When I was four years old, I learned that some kids have more power than others."

"Mom, mom!" He cries, bouncing up and down in his seat. "You definitely heard that, right? My voice, except I sounded older and cooler?"

Inko stares at him with increasing concern. "Maybe we should take you back to the doctor."

The next day, Izuku asks the doctor if his quirk could be having his own theme music. Dr. Tsubasa refers him to a child psychiatrist.

Although Izuku learns to stop talking about the music, he never stops hearing it. It pops up during important times of his life, such as when he protects other kids from Kacchan's bullying. The more manga he reads and the more anime he watches, the more Izuku's suspicions consolidate into certainty. He's an anime protagonist. And he's currently in the "tragic backstory" phase.

Only one thing matters to him. This means he's destined to become a hero.

Katsuki Bakugo looms over Izuku, growling, "Someone needs to teach you your place, you shitty nerd!"

Izuku gazes up at Katsuki with pity. He's glimpsed his anime's opening, and judging from the scene where he's back to back with Kacchan, this must be the rival character. It's only natural for his rival to start out stronger than him, and this bullying is clearly a critical part of his backstory, so it doesn't bother Izuku. If anything, he feels sorry for his blond childhood friend. Katsuki has clearly grown accustomed to being the best. He won't take it well when Izuku starts surpassing him.

Katsuki screams, "Stop staring at me like I'm beneath you, Deku!"

Izuku doesn't mean to hurt Kacchan's feelings. He just can't help but worry. It's so tragic to see someone peak during middle school. What if his feelings of inferiority lead Katsuki to later pull a Sasuke and run off with a creepy snake man who wants to steal his body? Izuku ventures an attempt at comfort. "Second place is completely worthwhile too, Kacchan. I'm sure someday you'll see that."

With a force rattling the school desk, Katsuki tosses down the burned remnants of Izuku's notebooks. "Look at this! Now are you sorry for looking down on me, you quirkless freak?"

Izuku taps his chin, considering. "Five out of ten on the bullying scale."

"Huh?" Katsuki stares in confusion.

"It's a solid effort, and you went after something important to me. But it's just a tad cliché. Countless other animes have shown the bully destroying the protagonist's belongings. This is still an early episode, so we need to grab the viewers' attention—and I don't think something like this will do it." Izuku prods the charred papers. "That's why I can't give you a score higher than a five. But I want you to know that I'm grading you harshly because I believe in you, Kacchan. I believe you're capable of a higher level of bullying than this."

All the rage goes out of Katsuki. He sags into a chair. Staring at Izuku with soulless eyes, he whispers, "I know I've asked you this many times before, but what's wrong with you?"

Izuku beams. "Ah, you're looking for my weak spots! Excellent strategy! There's still several months before we both go to U.A. You have time for some truly intense bullying. Bring it on!"

Katsuki moans. His head falls into his hands.

Whoa, maybe Izuku was too harsh with his score. He didn't mean to make Katsuki entirely give up. He decides to offer a hint. "I've always been scared of clowns." This is not true, but he's willing to fake it for the audience. A creepy clown will sell DVDs.

Katsuki's mouth opens and closes. Finally, he says, "Just tell me honestly. Are you stalking me? Because I spent weeks persuading my parents to let me go to a middle school an hour away from home. Then you showed up in the same class as me! I begged my parents again for a transfer. I lied to everyone about which school I was going to, even the teachers. Then you transferred to the same school as me the next day! I would swear you must be doing it on-purpose, but I don't know how you could have found out where I was going."

"I truly didn't know. Mom and I had to move because our apartment flooded." Even Izuku realizes it looks fishy. He tries to explain. "It's the plot, I'm afraid. You're clearly an important character, so the story won't let you get too far away from me."

The last remaining bit of life goes out of Katsuki's eyes. He whispers, "Please, I'll leave you alone. I'll even give you money to replace your notebooks. Just don't follow me to high school. Let's become better strangers."

Izuku shakes his head. "Two out of ten. It's a bit insulting that you tried to bribe me by offering to pay for my belongings after you destroyed them, but other than that, I don't feel bullied at all."

Growling, Katsuki raises his glowing fist. He looks at Izuku's brilliantly smiling face. He sighs. "What's even the point?"

His flames subsiding, Katsuki slouches off, muttering about how he's afraid the crazy might be contagious.

Izuku calls after him, "That's the spirit! Get started on your redemption arc early!"

Katsuki's shoulders tense. He hisses, "Just a few more months putting up with this. Surely there's no way he'll get into U.A."

Izuku smirks. Kacchan is out of luck—he's clearly seen both of them wearing the U.A. uniform in the opening.

The instant he sees All Might, Izuku knows this will be an important day. All Might features very prominently in his opening—clearly some sort of mentor figure judging from the symbolism of Izuku chasing after his back.

After the encounter with the sludge villain, when All Might takes off, Izuku latches onto him without hesitation.

When All Might drops them off at the roof, he examines Izuku's face. "Why don't you look scared?"

Izuku smiles. Why would he be scared? He's the protagonist. He can't die. "Sorry for bothering you, sir, but I have a few questions." He whips out his notebook. "I'd like some tips for handling the press as number one hero, information on who supplies your equipment, and most importantly, I'd like to know how you protect your loved ones from villain retaliation." Izuku is confident in his own plot armor, but a lot of anime protagonists have dead mothers. He needs to take steps to ensure nothing ever happens to Inko Midoriya.

All Might stares at him. "You sound like you're already certain you'll become a top hero. Do you have a strong quirk?"

"No, I'm currently quirkless."

"Currently?"

"My quirk will be coming along any day now." He's seen himself use it in the opening. It looks like such a cool power. Just from the glimpses, he's already started a few pages in his analysis notebook with ideas on how to best utilize the ability.

"At your age? It doesn't work like that…" All Might regards him with increasing concern.

Izuku is used to being looked at like that. It doesn't bother him. "It will be very soon now." He saw the full opening this morning, then he met All Might, so he's fairly certain this is his episode one. He's been waiting for this moment his whole life. Nothing can contain his grin.

Later, when All Might offers him a quirk, Izuku doesn't even gloat about it.

Humming under his breath, Tomura Shigaraki reaches for Class 1-A's itinerary. The alarms still blare from the media invasion he arranged.

That's why it takes him a moment to realize there's a spotlight on him. Eraser Head's scarf wraps around him. He's surrounded by a dozen heroes, including the hated All Might.

"How did you know?" he screeches, struggling against his bonds.

A green-haired boy laughs. "I knew you were a villain as soon as I heard the ominous music following you around!"

This is the worst glitch in a game Tomura has ever seen.

Before the Sport's Festival, All Might tells Izuku, "This is your moment to announce yourself to the world."

Izuku considers. "No, I think it's a little too early in the story for me to win. I'll aim for third place, how does that sound?"

"If you say so, my boy." All Might has started taking Izuku's bizarre proclamations much more seriously ever since his successor captured Tomura Shigaraki AND guessed his entire tragic backstory based on a few ravings. According to Izuku, it was "an entirely predictable plot twist, he had to be related to someone, if he wasn't your mentor's grandson then he'd probably be my long-lost brother" which All Might supposes means that he predicted All for One would be evil enough to do something like this.

Nana's grandson is currently in therapy and doing much better. It's so fortunate they found Tenko before he had time to commit any terrible crimes. All Might is willing to give Izuku free rein to work more such miracles.

At the Sports Festival, Shouto Todoroki confronts Izuku before their match. "Are you All Might's love child?"

"Huh, interesting theory." Izuku considers this. He already knows his father must be someone special, or there wouldn't be such secrecy around him. All Might has a mysterious past, he features very prominently in the anime opening, and his master's death would have given him good reason to hide any of his children. It all makes sense! No wonder All Might is so kind to Izuku, accepting all his strangeness with a smile. Warmth forms under Izuku's chest. This is wonderful.

"Yes, All Might is my father," Izuku tells Shouto. "But he doesn't know that I know, so keep it between the two of us."

"Cool," Shouto whispers. (He doesn't keep it between the two of them. He tries. But conspiracy theories are meant to be shared with the entire internet.)

Stain rants, "The world is full of false heroes, tainted by money and—"

"Oh, shut up." Izuku glares with his hands on his hips. "They're a bunch of fictional characters created to be merchandising bait, what do you expect from them? You're not exactly an original character yourself, Mister Well-Intentioned Extremist Trope. I bet you're a Punisher rip-off."

Stain stares at him. "You may be crazier than me."

"But I was smart enough to realize that I'd inevitably fight you as soon as you hurt my friend's brother, so I took precautions. That's why I poisoned my own blood with a sleeping drug."

As Stain topples over sideways, he manages to ask, "But…how…did…you…even…know…about…my…quirk?"

"Duh, I watched the preview for this episode."

Eri clings to Izuku's pant leg as Overhaul approaches.

Izuku pats her on the head. "My, aren't you an adorable little heartstrings character? I wonder what your tragic backstory is?"

When Overhaul calls for her, Eri's face fills with fear. She starts to run back to him, but Izuku scoops her off the ground.

An odd smile on his face, he says, "No, let's end this here. I'd rather not turn this storyline into a whole arc. It's nothing personal, but I'm trying to speed through the anime so I can get to the reveal about All Might being my father as fast as possible. I'm so excited for that episode!"

Mirio has long realized there's something very strange about this boy. He clears his throat and whispers, "I understand your feelings, Izuku, but we can't fight Overhaul—"

"Who said anything about us fighting Overhaul?" Izuku points at the sky. All Might, Endeavor, and two dozen more heroes drop down.

Over the sound of the one-sided fight, Izuku beams. "I already called in back-up."

Mirio stares. "How did you—?"

"Watched the preview." Izuku turns and walks away, carrying Eri.

The blond boy chases after him, shouting, "Why do you keep saying that and what does it mean?"

THE DISTANT FUTURE:

All Might has fallen on the ground, All for One looming over him.

Izuku leaps between them. "Not so fast! We won't have the dead mentor trope on my watch! I always hated that tired cliché, anyway."

All for One regards the boy with an amused gaze. "I was hoping to lure you out of hiding."

"Yeah, yeah, you want to steal my quirk. It's not exactly an original motive." Izuku stares at the supervillain with his customary lack of fear.

"That's not my most important reason. No one ever told you the truth about your father."

"Sure, but it's clearly All Might. The entire flow of the plot has been pointing in that direction." Izuku shrugs. "I think he's saving the reveal for the last episode."

For once, All for One looks shocked. "What? No! I'm your father."

Izuku laughs. "Nice try! Why would I possibly believe such an obvious lie?"

"To start with, I can prove my identity as Hisashi Midoriya—"

Izuku cuts him off. "So what if you're Hisashi? I already realized he couldn't be my real father, because that's All Might. I bet All Might was helping Mom escape from her villainous husband and they fell in love, like in Eragon. It's a common plot that's been recycled a few times."

"Haven't you noticed that we look exactly alike? And you look nothing like the blond fool?"

"We're all drawn by the same artist, everyone on this show looks the same. Both of us having curly hair is common enough to be coincidental. You can't exactly make out detailed facial features in an anime."

All for One's stare becomes increasingly concerned. "Are you saying that everyone looks like cartoon drawings to you?"

"What, that isn't what other people see?"

All for One mutters something about getting his doctor to check again for a quirk or maybe a mental condition.

Unfortunately, it's starting to look like this villain actually believes what he's saying. To think people say that Izuku is out of touch with reality. He almost pities this level of delusion. "Tell him that you're my real dad, All Might."

From his position on the ground with blood spurting from his torso, All Might says, "Young Midoriya, nothing would make me more honored, but I'm a sex-repulsed asexual and I can confidently say I've never fathered any children in my entire life, much less with All for One's wife." He coughs up more blood. "That said, I don't care if you're related to any villain and I'd adopt you as fast as it would take to draw up the papers."

Izuku whimpers. His world crumbles around him. Never before has his beloved story failed him so badly. Grief and shock starts to warp into fury.

All for One's amused look returns. "There you have it. You can't choose your family, and trust me, I'd know."

Izuku's lips peel back into a snarl. "But you can kill your family if they piss you off enough, and I bet that's what you did to your younger brother."

"That's very hurtful. It was more like him trying to kill me."

"Then I'm carrying on a venerable family tradition." A murderous expression on his face, Izuku slips brass knuckles over his gauntlets. "I'll correct this storyline by brute force. New Dad, just wait over there while I murder my old dad, then you can adopt me."

"Sounds great," All Might says, then goes back to bleeding out.

OMAKE TIME!

Omake: Izuku's Childhood

Izuku: Hey, Kacchan, are you looking for my shoes so you can hide them again? Here you go!

Katsuki: Look, Deku, this is awkward, but…I'm just not interested in bullying you any longer. It's not fun when you react to everything with a smile. I'm going to go bully the new kid instead.

Izuku: Not on my watch, you're not!

Katsuki: (Moans.)

#

Omake: Unfortunately, Shouto Already Told Everyone at U.A. that All Might was Izuku's Father

Class 1-A holds a banner saying, "Congratulations to Izuku and All Might on Defeating Your Archnemesis and Finding Out You're Father and Son."

Izuku: Everyone, I'm so touched that you did this. I don't know how to tell you….it turns out my father is actually…

All Might: Me! How did all of you find out that I'm going to adopt Izuku? It's so nice of you to throw this party for us. May I start cutting up the cake?

#Don't worry, it would be way too dark if Izuku committed patricide #Far more fun for All Might to adopt Izuku through questionably legal means, then lord it over All for One in jail

Author's Note: Hey, look, I wrote something without First appearing in it! Not even in an omake! I know, I'm surprised too.

This story was based off a hilarious tumblr post about a girl born with pink hair who's destined to be an anime protagonist, but tries to avoid this at all costs. (This website won't allow links, but you can find it by googling "Nope the Anime.") I actually started writing this fic Izuku with avoiding being a protagonist—but then I realized that made no sense. Based on Izuku's personality and life goals, he'd be delighted to learn that he's always been destined to become a hero. So I had to rewrite the whole story, and I'm ultimately pleased that I did, because this is so much better.

Does Izuku have a quirk that turns the world into an anime? Or is he completely correct and currently starring in an extremely popular parody of the shounen genre with a self-aware Deadpool-like protagonist? I'll let my readers decide which is funnier.