Chapter 1: Six Months In A Leaky Boat
She opened her eyes, was completely bewildered, and closed them again. Instead of a scarred sky and unnatural reds that she had been expecting, there was a dull grey light and a dull grey ceiling. That was most unusual, she thought she remembered not going to sleep in a room that reminded her of a military vessel (right down to the soft vibrations in the bed and distant sound of the sea on the hull). In fact, the last things she remembered were-
Hands on throats.
Frantic eyes.
"I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'll kill-"
Something fleshy crunching under straining fingers.
Bloody water engulfing her.
Nope, those were not helpful memories at all. Those were definitely going to be repressed, just like she repressed other, worse-
Hospital gowns. Her father with some young woman in a dark room. A doll being moved by shaking hands.
A pair of feet swinging in a doorway.
Yeah. Those memories. Thank you Arael and Instrumentality for making those harder to put away.
Instrumentality…
There had been nothing quite like that in Asuka's short life. After being ripped apart and impaled by those white demons that were the MP Evas, she had been surprised to suddenly find herself experiencing everything felt by everyone at once. An infinite number of eyes staring at all her wounds – physical and mental – had left a pit of snakes in her belly and needles under her skin. Her words and thoughts in the mouths of others, all knowing her so intimately it made Arael's violation seem polite in comparison. Dry fingers clawing at her sensitive soul, pouring her out into a desert that wanted more and more and more of her until what she had been was stretched and wrung out, before she was brought crashing back together again, repeated over and over, leaving a little more behind each time.
She had seen so much as well – especially concerning him. Stages and cameras, his thoughts and feelings in her mouth, seeing herself in his heart which was both her and not her. A scared little boy who had wished to please everyone in order to cease existing. A pathetic child who had selfishly used her, both physically (the thought of what he had done in the hospital made the squirming in her stomach squirm harder) and emotionally (using her as an excuse to bring about the end of reality: too much of a coward and a weakling to even admit his desires without hiding behind murdering her for refusing him - disgusting).
This was getting her nowhere.
She knew this was not Instrumentality at least. There she could feel everyone at all times, everything about her being squeezed into oblivion and taking up the universe simultaneously. Here, although disorientating even with her eyes closed, it was just Asuka Langley Sohryu.
Steeling herself, and, after letting the shudder that accompanied those memories and experiences run its course, she opened her eyes, deciding that figuring out what the hell was going on was a better course of action than being swamped by nightmare fuel. The ceiling, whilst unexpected, was not unfamiliar. It was hanging there, moving around her memory somewhat, just out of reach. She blinked, and tried to focus on the moving light hanging above her to stimulate her memory…
Hang on a second. Blinking. Opening both eyes. She shouldn't be able to blink at all. Or have full vision. She could still feel the Lance piercing her skull, that sharp pain that throughout Instrumentality stabbed her over and over as others stared at her, all with perfectly intact windows to the soul.
She moved her arm cautiously up towards her face, and touched where she expected bandages to appear. To her surprise there were none – and none on her arm when she looked at it in wonder. No scarring at all in fact. She glanced around, searching for a mirror, and found one on the wall next to her bed. Rapidly sitting up, she stared in wonder at the girl staring back at her. Red hair messy from bed, white pyjama top askew and revealing a stomach free from blemishes, pink cheeks, and an unmarred left blue eye. She looked a little softer around the edges than what she remembered, and certainly wasn't as gaunt as when she had been in hospital, but that was pushed into the back of her mind at being able to examine her eye and face.
Well, this is a good development!
The snakes in her stomach that had been hissing away at the memory of Instrumentality and of him found themselves being swept away by a wave of light and giddiness, and she gave a small squeal of joy. Perhaps the beach was just a final part of that hell, she thought to herself, her heart getting louder in her chest as happiness hopped into her head. That would be a very good development if that was the case – she would definitely take her chances being unscarred in this world over broken in that one. It wouldn't matter where she was, she was the great Asuka Langley Sohryu– she had fought through Hell and killed Lucifer on his icy, LCL-smelling throne. Throwing off the dull blankets, she leapt out of bed…
…and missed the floor as it shifted under her.
Yelping in surprise, her arms windmilled briefly before she stumbled forwards towards a window – no, porthole – and had to endure a humiliating thud into the glass, which dispelled any notion that she was in another Instrumentality dream-space. Nothing in that place had been so comically humiliating – things tended to be excruciatingly painful or completely surreal, as opposed to a slapstick miscalculation of floor trajectory. She detached herself from the porthole, and rubbed her forehead above her recently-restored eye (that's going to leave a mark), glancing outside to try and get her bearings.
Only to have all the warmth from her earlier revelation at being unscarred turn to ice when she saw a pale, glowing face staring back through it. Crimson eyes met electric blue ones, and the doll-face of Rei Ayanami shifted slightly as a tiny smirk appeared.
Asuka shrieked and stumbled back, and the face vanished as she blinked in surprise.
A door opened behind her, and she glanced back expecting to see more Wondergirl clones pouring through the door like the beginning of Instrumentality, but was only met by the glance of a very alive and concerned-looking Ryoji Kaji.
"Hey, are you alright?"
Asuka stared at him for a heartbeat, before a wave of relief bigger than any she had felt in a very long time swept over her. Launching herself at him, she could feel the tears trembling at the edge of her vision, but the heaviness in her chest prevented her from letting them spill. Wrapping her arms around the startled and suddenly winded man, Asuka gave herself this one indulgent moment.
"Just a bad dream - I'm alright now that you're here, Mr Kaji."
It had taken her an embarrassingly long time to detach herself from an awkward Kaji, but after eventually letting him go (unwillingly), she had stared up at his rugged face and allowed that weight in her chest to ease just a fraction. Kaji was here – not just some figment of her imagination, or Instrumentality-created guide, but really here. There was a physical, muscular Kaji, alive and smiling and charming as she could remember, his scent hitting her heart harder than she expected.
After getting changed into a yellow sundress and her red neural connectors (at the gentle prompting from Kaji that wandering around in her pyjamas was probably not a wise course of action), she had followed him down the dull grey corridor and up the set of steel steps at the end, her thoughts buzzing in her brain and wondering why on earth she could no longer call up her crush on Kaji in her heart.
It wasn't that she wouldn't say no to the man if he offered himself to her. But something had been chipped away in her heart after Instrumentality, the metallic chisels of that experience having shattered her essence, and the rough hands that reconstituted her had not seen fit to return her beating heart and little butterflies to her when she saw her guardian. Admittedly she had not felt that for a very long time, even before Instrumentality, but it still felt wrong to not feel her desire for him inside her at all, as though broken parts had been thrown together and the sculptor had changed material halfway through. It caused an ache in her heart.
He was still Kaji – he was still important to her, and he was handsome and manly and everything he wasn't – but for some reason she could not locate the infatuation within her anymore. Instrumentality, that weird space between everything that was everything, had stripped it from her upon returning her here.
Thanks, Wondergirl.
Of course, she had a pretty good guess as to where here was now, which she confirmed when they emerged onto the deck of Over The Rainbow, and she took in the blue ocean as far as the eye could see and the assault of salty air on her delicate nose. She had figured it out sometime during her embrace of her guardian, but it was nice to see that death and had not dulled her deductive and observational powers.
What death had seemed to have done however was dulled her sense of logic because she could not think of any reason why she was suddenly back on the ocean, meandering along to Japan some time before her official introduction to the Angel War. At present, the best she could come up with was either she was back in Instrumentality in some way (unlikely – she couldn't feel eyes on her soul or her fingers in her wounds); she was having a psychotic break (not impossible considering what had happened, but she felt much more lucid than her last breakdown); she had simply dreamed the last year (potential here, although her dreams or nightmares were usually a little shorter and less realistic, and tended to involve her mother); or – and most unbelievably – she had been sent back to the point where things had started to go wrong and been given a chance to prevent the horror of Instrumentality and fix her mistakes.
She really hoped it was the last option. There were many mistakes to fix.
Kaji had been saying something as they made their way to the bridge, so she tuned back into the man. Oh, how she had missed his smooth, manly tones, no matter how much they seemed to fail to excite her as they should have done so…
"…Asuka? Have you been paying attention? Or did the idea that the Third Child could be a handsome boy distract you?"
Focus Asuka!
"What? Oh Mr Kaji, you know that there are no boys that could ever compare with you! I was thinking about how best to put Shi- the Third Child in his place when we finally meet. I am after all the number one pilot!"
At least I know what day it is now – the day of Gaghiel's attack, Asuka thought to herself, as she brushed her hair back and tried to grab onto Kaji's arm. Perhaps the feeling will return if I act enough, pick up the old habit. It will be weird getting back in an Eva, but at least the glorified fish should be easy enough to settle my nerves. Not sure what I would have done if I had awoken just before Arael's attack…
The older man just chuckled, not noticing Asuka's nanosecond heart-rate increase at the thought of the worst angel to have ever existed, and, in a clearly practiced manoeuvre, lifted his arm to scratch the back of his neck, which earned a half-hearted huff from the little German girl.
"Well, that may be so, but you will be working with him going forward – it may be a good idea to at least try to get a read on the guy before you start walking all over him."
Oh, I already have a good read on him.
"Unfortunately I need to make some work calls from below deck – they should arrive in the next ten minutes, which will be just before I finish, but I will join you as soon as I am done. Try not to-"
"-scare them too much? Yeah, yeah, nothing you haven't said before," Asuka mumbled, then realised Kaji had said this before. But only once, on this flight deck, at this moment. He glanced at her in surprise.
Crap! I probably shouldn't do that too often.
By sheer fluke, apart from her unusual morning shriek, outwardly she had behaved in the same way as when she was last on board. Asuka was rapidly coming to the conclusion that it was probably best not to break that pattern until she determined what exactly was going on. It would be anti-climatic for her to be thrown into a medical ward until the world ended again.
Not to mention the fact bad things have happened to me in medical wards.
His side-eyeing of her hadn't stopped, so Asuka decided to turn up the smitten girl routine to distract him. Throwing her arms around him (and boy did it feel good to have solid, masculine Ryoji Kaji alive and in her arms again, regardless of her confused feelings on the matter), she smiled up at him, and tried her best to flirt with him, hoping that she would believe the words herself if she said them sweetly enough.
"Don't worry Mister Kaji, I am sure even if I do scare them, I could never scare someone as brave and strong as you!"
That certainly seemed to do the trick, as the older man chuckled and patted her on the shoulder.
"I suppose so, kid," he smiled at her, and though it was warm it was still distancing and so it still shattered her heart – but it felt more like a wall falling down, or a statue cracking, than how it had felt when he rejected her before. Her smile up at him was still warm and sweet, and the confusion and overwhelming emotions inside somehow didn't flow out.
"Just stay wait here – I will be back as soon as I can," he smiled again and ducked into the doorway that loomed nearby. Asuka let out a small sigh, glanced over at the speck on the horizon that was gradually getting bigger, and decided to try and put her mind to work to figure out which of her four options she was going to go with in the next few minutes.
Come on Asuka, you graduated from college for God's sake. What do I know? I know that I died in horrific agony because he refused to budge. I had one of the most scathing fights in Misato's apartment because he was too scared to go to literally anyone else, then he killed me directly with his own grubby hands. Then Instrumentality and whatever the fuck that was happened – pros are now I seem to know much more about the experiences of those around me; cons are that literally everyone in existence knows everything about me and I know what he did to me in the hospital. Then I remember waking up on a beach with blood water where he was trying to kill me again, and then I…
Asuka decided to skip some of those details in her recollection. Her heart was already beating wildly at the Instrumentality "memories" as it was.
… Then… I open my eyes here. And everything is how I remember it – except me. That probably rules out psychosis, as I know there would be a lot more really weird crap if I had lost it. Dreaming the last few months seems out as well – too cohesive, too realistic. Too many faces I have never seen before in Germany, and I am pretty good with faces. Which leaves time travel. But how? And why?
Somewhere in the back of her mind, she seemed to recall a woman's voice asking her for something, asking her to do something. She couldn't quite remember the details, or even what the voice was saying. But she felt it, almost an urge to… Do something? Be good maybe? Show something to someone? Save someone? Not fuck up the world beyond anything she had ever seen?
Not let him end the world because he was a wimp and a coward? Urgh, trust the universe to ask a woman to fix a boy's mistakes.
The sound of an incoming VTOL shook her from her thoughts. Shaking her head, she took a quick breath in, steeled herself, and moved towards the landing vehicle.
Show time, Shinji Ikari.
At first, things had gone as she remembered. One of the Stooges had chased his hat across the deck, right on schedule. She had stopped it with her foot as before, and although she did manage to not humiliate herself with that gust of wind, she slapped him anyway ("I know you were trying to sneak a peek, you pervert!"). This naturally caused both Stooge Number 1 (Toji, her inner voice which sounded oddly like Hikari corrected) and Stooge Number 2 (Kensuke) to cry out in outrage. Good to see some things hadn't changed.
Thankfully she avoided seeing more of Toji-Stooge than she did last time. Hikari was welcome to him.
Misato was a bit of a mixed experience. Asuka had not liked her former (and future?) guardian very much by the end of things, and had been thoroughly unimpressed by what she had seen during Instrumentality (especially watching her with Kaji – that frankly felt unnecessary for her to see). Of course, Asuka also knew (courtesy of the Instrumentality that gave her a front-row seat for the Kaji-Misato porno) that Misato did feel guilty over her treatment of Asuka, and the missed opportunities she had to bond with her ward. And, despite everything, Asuka did feel some form of affection for the older woman, although it was too entangled in the writhing serpents in her guts to be free of negative feelings. Which resulted in a slightly subdued greeting from the redheaded girl. No comments on her budding bust or her "charmed, huh?" routine that worked well in a previous life. Misato didn't seem to notice.
Which only left…
"So where is the great Third Child I have heard so much about?" Asuka sneered after brushing off Misato's playful introduction. "The invincible Shinji Ikari."
But there he was, all bashful and shy behind Misato, and the sight of him caused the writhing in her stomach to become a frenzy. How dare he stand there, looking harmless and sweet, a viper masquerading as a worm. As though he somehow wasn't a wimpy boy capable of ending all life because of a tantrum. As though his cute face wasn't capable of hiding a sleazy pervert. As though those cobalt eyes weren't hiding…
Huh. They were very steely cobalt eyes – eerily reminiscent of his father. The difference to the last time she saw those eyes cooled her initial instinctive reaction, which was to grab the boy and hurl him overboard. That wasn't like last time…
But before she could make a comment (or even shudder at the fact that Shinji's eyes resembled Gendo's more than his own), he surprised her -
"[Hi Asuka – have you had a good trip?]"
- by speaking German.
Huh? Shinji Ikari doesn't speak German. And he barely said a word during our first meeting – what the hell is going on?
This development was unexpected. Her surprise was written on her face - something which was reflected on Misato's and the Stooges' faces. Misato, ever the professional tactician who could work with the unexpected, recovered first, drawing attention away from the frozen Asuka and Shinji.
"Shinji, you never mentioned you could speak German! Why didn't you mention you spoke her language?" she asked, slowly shepherding the group towards the bridge, a small smirk emerging on her face. Damnit Misato, I know what you are thinking – some horny boy learned a language to impress a girl.
"Oh, it's something I have picked up over time – I had plenty of it before I came here," Shinji chuckled, and the sound sent shockwaves to Asuka's brain – Shinji Ikari did not chuckle like that. Hell, the kid barely even laughed, but here he was, chortling away at his own private joke, and glancing at her when he thought she wasn't looking as they made their way to the bridge.
This is just getting weird now.
The time spent in the bridge itself felt distant to Asuka as the tempest whirled in her head and the anxiety seethed in her belly, leaving her to mostly ignore the blustering from the captain and Misato. She was aware Shinji's glances towards her had started taking on a curious edge, but she couldn't bring herself to care, considering the loop he had thrown her into. She spent the majority of the time trying to figure out what exactly had caused the shift in the Third Child's behaviour from last time – although he was quiet, he seemed to have a watchful edge to him that had not been apparent when he had been on the Rainbow last year. Hell, he didn't have that edge even during the Angel War.
The best solution Asuka could come up with was something to do with Instrumentality and Third Impact. Perhaps in her voyage back to here from the beach at the end of the world there had been unusual side effects; ripples in the time-space continuum that caused the other pilot to alter themselves somehow? This seemed logical – she hadn't been able to meet the Wondergirl (apart from her weird moment in the porthole earlier), so perhaps it had something to do with being a pilot of an Eva that caused alterations when Instrumentality spat you out again.
Or perhaps it had more to do with him and her on that red coast, and this was some divine punishment upon her for-
"Still as valiant as ever?"
And wasn't that voice ever a wonderful way to wake up from her wonderings?
"Mr Kaji!" Asuka cried, her enthusiasm only slightly put on (if only to distract herself from her troubles). She thought she saw the Third Child roll his eyes, but her attention was mostly drawn by Misato's horrified look which she had missed when she was on the bridge previously. At least there was something humorous that could still be found in this re-run/universal change/Instrumentality-inflicted nightmare.
Asuka walked over to Kaji (ignoring the captain's spluttering at the arrival of her current guardian) and latched onto his arm. Again. And yet she could see Kaji, whilst he smiled and greeted her (and offered a half-hearted apology for taking his time), only had eyes for Misato.
But, unlike before, she didn't feel jealousy or disappointment, just a resigned sense that he would be happier with her. Which was an even more unsettling sensation.
The unsettling feeling hadn't eased up by the time the group had meandered down to the cafeteria, and Asuka was restless and on edge as a result. She had nearly broken Toji-Stooge's fingers and yelled at him far more fiercely than warranted an accidental touch on the arm in the cramped elevator, and she had snapped at Shinji's (remarkably calm) defence of his friend. Fortunately, they had collapsed out of the elevator quickly after that, so violence was avoided.
Still, Shinji kept looking at her, confusion blatantly written on his face.
Why the hell is he confused? I am the one who should feel confused! And I am confused! I woke up after a year of hell to find that the year in question seems to have been a non-event, and the only thing that seems to have changed outside of me is you, the invincible and perverted Shinji Ikari!
The shuffling into the cafeteria was silent and awkward, with Asuka noticing that the Stooges were both eagerly trying to get a seat next to Misato and Kaji strategically placing himself opposite the only other adult at the table. The café was mostly empty, so the waiter was able to get their orders quickly to them (not that there were many options, and all of them tasting weak and lukewarm at best). Once they had all settled down, and their "tea" had been touched (but, she noted, not finished by anyone), Kaji leaned over the table and began talking at Misato, who was facing away from him and had a small twitch in her eye whenever he made a sound.
It was a nauseating thing to watch.
Still feeling herself reeling watching Kaji be smitten over Misato, Asuka looked over for something else to distract her. The Stooges also were too busy watching Misato (with some drool on their chins and their horny stench assaulting her even on the other side of the table). The cafeteria was basically deserted now, with the only sounds being Kaji's sonorous voice and the occasional clanking from the kitchens. Her beverage was undrinkable at this stage, which meant the only form of entertainment to pass the time before Gaghiel's inevitable attack was…
"Hey Asuka, what happened to your forehead?"
Shinji's voice was still high pitched and whiny, but there seemed to be an ounce of actual concern in there. Asuka's head turned sharply to look at the other Pilot, her hair floating in disarray as the laws of physics attempted to keep up with the movement. She could feel a scowl coming on already as she took in his cobalt eyes and furrowed brows, his thin lips held in a slightly turned-down line, and his body leaning in closer to hers.
"None of your business, Third!" she snapped.
"But it looks sore – has something happened?"
It was true – her intimate introduction to a porthole upon getting out of bed had left a bruise, and she could feel it throbbing ever so slightly. Not enough to give a headache or cause pain, but certainly not something she was happy about. And it did ruin the perfect pink complexion she had – something she had never known she would miss until it had gone.
And then her bruise, up until now a mild and unimportant annoyance, exploded in pain.
Sharp points through an eye. Blood pouring out of the wound. Teeth all over her body, puncturing and ripping, whilst her own shrieks drowning out any other sounds. An arm split neatly in two as a series of pointed, thick objects thumped into her ruined core.
Everything seemed to fade into the background of her increasing breath and heartrate. The limited sounds of the room and of Kaji's monologuing, the smells of the chemicals they used to clean the place, all seemed too distant to notice, replaced by static. Shinji cocked his head, concern written on his face, and his lips moved but she couldn't make out any sound.
Then his face seemed to morph into one slightly older, more ragged, more feral, and the thin lips parted to reveal teeth that seemed to belong to a beast. Or an MP Eva…
"What do you care?!" With herculean effort, she managed to ground herself enough to snap back at Shinji. And, just like that, the spell was broken, the sounds and smells came rushing back to her, leaving her breathing heavily but back in control. Shinji looked stunned, and Asuka could feel the static from before turning into bubbling rage. How dare he-
"So, I hear you and Katsuragi are living together?" Kaji interjected, causing Asuka to jump slightly, the bubble of rage deflating rapidly. His face was passive but the hints of a smirk on his face, and the smell of his aftershave wafted over to Asuka as the older man leaned closer, drawing her attention away from a bewildered Shinji. But Asuka caught the nanosecond glance he sent her way and the message hidden therein – 'what's going on?'
Despite her shaking body, Asuka gave a small smile – 'after.' Kaji's slightly sustained blink was his only acknowledgement, his eyes still on Shinji.
"That's right, Mr Kaji," Shinji's voice, whilst wavering slightly, managed to play along. Asuka couldn't bring herself to look back at him to see, but he sounded slightly stunned as well. At least the tension that had been building in her was deflating with her rage – clearly it was for him as well.
"Kaji is fine kid. But an important question I need to ask you Shinji Ikari – does she still make a fool of herself in bed?"
Whatever aggression had been in the between Shinji and Asuka promptly transferred itself across the table to Misato, whose eyes bugged out of her head and whose skin went an interesting shade of purple. Though whether in rage or in embarrassment Asuka couldn't quite decide. Funny what one can see when not caught up in the horrifying image of Kaji and Misato sharing a bed…
And now those sweaty, squelching sounds from Instrumentality are back. Great.
Shinji chuckled, but Misato's explosive rage beat him to any response he could make.
"What the hell are you talking about!" she spluttered, slamming her fist on the table hard enough to make Kaji's leftover tea splosh onto the table. Asuka noted that her face was still that fascinating shade of purple, although it seemed to be turning redder by the second.
Kaji, god of Zen that he was (and Asuka really, really wished she could still swoon over the man), simply looked up at Misato briefly, had the audacity to smirk slightly, then turned his attention back to Shinji. "She doesn't change at all, does she Shinji?"
"Not at all – I believe she still snores as well. But how do you know my name?" Shinji was clearly barely keeping a laugh in, having calmed down from Asuka's earlier outburst. Asuka took the opportunity to quickly glance back and look at her fellow Pilot. Thankfully he had focused his attention on Kaji, smiling with an innocent glow around him, oblivious to the connotations of what he just said (though the tiniest twitch of the lip that he gave seemed to make his angelic appearance a sham). He was leaning back, comfortable, and everything about him radiated perfectly at ease – not too different to last time. Perhaps that was just a Kaji effect though.
"Of course I do – you're kind of a celebrity in this business of ours. Successfully operating an Eva without any training, and then defeating an angel. Quite impressive."
"Come on, that was just luck – I am sure Asuka would be able to do just as well, if not better," Shinji turned to face Asuka, and had the nerve to smile at her. Perhaps it was her mind, but she could feel the warm smugness radiating off him, that sickly-sweet patronising attitude that he hid behind false modesty.
"Luck or not, you have quite the talent. And I know Asuka would be able to handle things – she has trained her whole life for this after all," Kaji smiled again, and, with a groan of protest from his chair, he stood up, taking the calming scent of that aftershave with him. "Well, I'll see you later."
Asuka could see an opening when presented with one, and stood up as well, without so much as a word to anyone at the table. As she followed Kaji out into the warm summer air on deck, she vaguely heard Misato collapse in on herself in embarrassment.
"This isn't happening. This is a nightmare!"
Asuka couldn't help but agree with the sentiment.
Not a word was spoken between them as they made their way towards the back of the giant boat, although the heavy silence was being drowned by the sounds of the sea swirling past them. The heat was oppressive, even with the breeze from the ocean, and did nothing to lighten the atmosphere between the two. Asuka's mind was whirring in time with the engines beneath her, trying to come up with some way to explain to Kaji why she had nearly had a panic attack and killed Ikari where he sat. Her emotions were gnawing at her – the churning in her stomach had returned with a vengeance, mirroring the water passing beneath them; the bubbling rage in her veins at the thought of Shinji was threatening to poison her heart; the confusion at what the hell was going on (from her lack of strong emotions towards Kaji through to her extremely intense ones towards Shinji) were rolling around in her head.
Come on Asuka, you are a college graduate and have fought eldritch horrors that would leave Lovecraft's creatures in the dust! And you have been through one of the most invasive experiences possibly devised, and emerged on the other side without a scratch! You can think of something to divert attention away whilst you figure this out.
Kaji, at least outwardly, seemed completely at ease (which, whilst perfectly in character, made the swirling anxiety start to do all sorts of weird things in her head). They had reached the secondary tower at rear of the ship now, an oddly gothic construction with unusual angles and protrusions that seemed to serve no real purpose beyond looking important and intimidating. Although, considering the nature of naval warfare, Asuka was unsure who was supposed to be intimidated by it, considering any enemy vessels would be well out of sight when Over the Rainbow engaged in combat.
Unusual designs had beneficial side effects however, as Kaji brought her up to a part of the tower which was out of the line-of-sight of the rest of the boat. Privacy at last.
At first Kaji didn't say anything, letting Asuka lean on the railing that jutted out over the ocean passing beneath them. The warm ocean breeze blew through her hair, the salty smell – she could close her eyes and just appreciate the simplicity of this by herself for one moment before she faced the music of Kaji's inquiries.
"So, are you going to tell me what's going on, Asuka?"
He rarely used her name in that tone, heavy with care that soothed invisible aches in her heart. It was far too much for her soul, still rough and raw from Instrumentality and the Angel War, to bear. Some of the weight in her chest cracked, and she felt a stinging behind her eyes.
But no tears would come today. Not now.
Kaji, with his saintly patience, waited her out. Eventually Asuka relented, sighing deeply, and turned to face him.
"I am not sure Mr Kaji. This morning I woke up not quite knowing where I was for a few seconds after a very intense dream. Then when Shi – The Third Child appeared, it threw me somewhat. Perhaps I wasn't as mature as I thought I was." She added the last part knowing it was a blatant lie – whilst she may have been a young girl eager to grow up on her first trip on this boat, this time the only traces of childishness were in her body and voice now.
She simultaneously hoped Kaji could and couldn't see the change.
The man in question had an uncharacteristically intense gleam in his brown eyes, and opened his mouth as though he was going to say something. But then he sighed, leaned back against the railing, and stared up at the sky instead.
"Y'know, it's ok to feel intimidated by change sometimes, and it's ok to feel intimidated by the Third Child's record. Just know that you have an inner strength to yourself that really can't be matched, no matter how lucky Shinji is. And he will need you with this upcoming war – no matter what he believes or says. The human heart cannot stand being alone for too long, especially when you have been alone as long as he has. And as long as you have I might add."
Asuka rolled her eyes and faced away over the ocean, but mulled over what Kaji said. Part of the reason she had failed so often in her other life was because of the failures of others to reach out to her – but, as much as she disliked admitting, they just as often about her inability to accept help when offered until it was far too late. How many times had she expected Shinji, Hikari, Misato, Kaji – hell, even Wondergirl – to just do what she wanted like the perfect fantasy characters, playing out her wishes and desires, without her having to put in any effort whatsoever to reach across the barriers that existed in her heart. No matter how good the reason for the barriers being there.
"There's something wrong with that girl."
Her father sidelining her for a pretty young doctor, their voices condemning her as they rutted in the room next door.
"You're just a kid."
Misato and Kaji in an embrace, naked in instrumentality in front of her.
"How could I understand if you never talked to me?!"
Shinji with a predator's eyes, leaning over her as the hospital machines beep and breathe around her.
"I am not a doll."
Shinji gazing at Rei, a girl who would do anything to please him, who had already let him do more with her more than he had ever done with Asuka.
"Die with me Asuka!"
A corpse slowly swinging in the doorway, a decapitated doll with her eyes staring back at her.
No, it would be too much to open her heart more. It only lead to betrayal, misery, and humiliation.
She didn't say anything, so continued staring out over the ocean.
Kaji's patience was evidently wearing thin, and he opted for a different tactic.
"You know, I think that's the first time I have ever seen you have a panic attack, Asuka. You had good control of yourself, but those things are not for the faint-hearted. And, considering you are not someone with an anxiety disorder, I have to wonder what's caused this."
His words were hitting that wall in her heart, the gentlest battering ram imaginable. She longed to let go, to stop this empty loneliness and hopefully stop the panic that rose in her at times. But Kaji's beautiful, soothing siege on her walls still that – a siege. How could she open up to him, a man who would leave for an alcohol-drenched, used up woman, who would always choose the purple haired Major over a broken girl who experienced too much in her short life? So she didn't look at him or his eyes that would make her spill herself over him on this deck, and stared out at the sea below her.
The ocean stared back, devoid of any life beyond the waves and machines on its surface.
Eventually she heard Kaji sigh and murmur something comforting about "being there" before he wandered away, leaving Asuka to mull things over some more.
She couldn't open up to him – there was a weight on her tongue when she thought of it, and it wasn't just the emotional toll it would take to explain to a man who would leave her (just like her own father). Kaji was patient and understanding, but even he would be unlikely to believe her tale of time travel and Instrumentality. At best he would dismiss her and chalk up her panic attack in the cafeteria as nerves before arriving in a warzone – something which he would likely report to other, less sympathetic ears, who would toss her aside and give Shinji an uncontested shot at ending the world again. At worst he would drag her to the medical bay and force her onto some drug regime that would poison her ability to think, to feel, to be. Or leave her at the mercy of the icy bitch Ritsuko, who would quite possibly dissect her and present her heart on a platter to either of the Ikari men.
No, Kaji, and most other people she had relied on before the Third Impact could not be relied upon now. But perhaps there was someone she could open her heart to this time – someone she sorely missed more than anyone else.
Initially she had wanted to fight Gaghiel alone. The angel's attack was imminent, and she wanted to spend some time with her Unit-02 (with Mama) alone before she would need to fight an angel again. She also wanted to get any freak-outs out of the way when she saw Unit-02 again and not have to deal with more confusion from the others.
She was confused enough by the way things had turned out herself.
And at first she had succeeded in her plan. She had, after Kaji had left, got a solo boat over to the Othello and made it to the container. She had nearly cried again at the sight of Unit-02 lying there in her unmarred magnificence, deactivated but no longer deformed through death. The paint was shining and, although the mask was in its usual blank state, Asuka could believe she saw a smile appear for a brief moment.
I'm here Mama. And I won't shut you out ever again.
Unsure of how much time she had spent standing and admiring her Eva, she had been completely surprised when she heard a gentle cough behind her. Jumping slightly, she swiveled around (almost whipping herself with her red hair in the process) and saw Shinji Ikari standing on the gangplank behind her. He had a cautious energy about him, coming across as unsure of what was happening (or perhaps a little scared of her – as he should be).
"What do you want, Third?" She snapped at him. "You are not who I want to see right now!"
She thrilled a little at seeing the hurt, confusion, and slight fear spread over Shinji's features for a second, although a tiny part of her felt a little guilty. A very tiny part that was quickly crushed when she noticed a slight cold edge appear momentarily in his gaze.
"Uh… I – I wanted to see your Eva," Shinji stammered out his confession, and the ice in his eyes vanished, replaced with hurt, confusion, and hope. Perhaps she had imagined the Gendo-Eyes…
"Well, you can see it, and how much nicer it is than your hunk of junk. Now leave me alone."
Shinji looked like he was going to retort to that, but a rumble in the distance shook the metal walls of the ship.
"Leviathan, Lord of the Sea. Time for fishing," Asuka murmured quietly to herself, before she darted off to grab her plugsuit. She vaguely heard Shinji call out in surprise behind her, and was aware he was following her, but she didn't have time to deal with him now. She was about to get back into Unit-02, reunite with her Mama, and fight a monster right out of nightmare territory – she didn't want to have to deal with his confusing behaviour and whining.
"Asuka wait!"
Or maybe she would have to deal with it after all.
"What do you want, Third?!" at this point she had found a stairwell she could hide in to get changed into her plugsuit. Sending him a glare so he wouldn't follow to watch her (she knew what he wanted to see after all), she ducked under the cover and rapidly changed into her form-fitting clothing. She did not have time to fully appreciate how weird it was to be back in her second skin again (another Instrumentality-inflicted injury: what felt like an extension of her body now felt slightly wrong she surmised, but filed the thought away), but she did notice that Shinji had not given into his base urges and ogled her (thank goodness for that – his future self already got enough). In fact, he wasn't anywhere at all.
Good. Now I just need to-
"Asuka, are we ready to go?"
Asuka glanced up in surprise, and proceeded to do a double take. Shinji was there, wearing his own white and blue plugsuit, complete with neural connectors. His face was determined, and he was looking at her expectantly.
"There is no 'we' in this operation, Third!" Asuka snapped, and started making her way back to Unit-02's entry pod.
"I want to see you defeat your first angel first hand Asuka – I know that, even with the Type B configuration, you can do it. And I want to be a part of that," Shinji flashed her what he must have believed to be a winning and charming smile. The rocking of the boat shook it from his face.
That rocking did cause Asuka to think for a moment. She knew the Othello was going to be underwater shortly and, whilst she was tempted to let Shinji Ikari go down with it, she knew none of the people back in Japan would forgive her if she let the precious Third Child drown. Misato might have her shot, and she doubted Kaji would save her. Ikari Senior would likely have her disappeared, possibly at the hands of his murderous mistress Akagi. And Wondergirl, in all her surreal inhuman glory, would probably be annoyed at her boyfriend disappearing.
Besides, if he was to die, she would prefer it be by her hands, rather than in the gullet of Gaghiel.
"Alright, get in Third. But any issues and I will jettison you out there to drown," she snarled at him, opening the entry plug and signalling him to follow.
Once they were in, she began the activation sequences, making a note to change the language from German to Japanese (which Shinji seemed grateful for at least). Thankfully like before Gaghiel hadn't decided to prematurely sink their vessel, so she managed to activate without any issues.
"Asuka, is that you?!"
Misato's voice called out over the intercom, but the sound was quickly drowned out by the sounds of her and the captain scuffling. Asuka was pretty sure she heard a variety of choice words being grunted or yelled in a variety of languages, but decided she might as well continue with the launch.
"Affirmative, and I have the Idiot Third with me as well Misato. You can have your pet back after I gullet this fish."
"Evangelion Unit-02, LAUNCH!"
Something that could have been a whoop of joy or a seagull screaming came through the intercom. Asuka assumed Misato was pleased.
"Mama, ignore the boy here," Asuka whispered, her voice barely audible to herself. Shinji still sent her a sharp look, but didn't have time to react beyond that as the jaws of Gaghiel ripped the carrier apart beneath their feet, and they leapt across the ocean.
"Asuka, I don't mean to be rude, but we only have 55 seconds to defeat this thing," Shinji's voice was wavering slightly, but her quick glance at the boy revealed a perfectly stoic face. She just rolled her eyes and turned to the comm.
"Misato, have the emergency power cable waiting for us on the top deck!"
Not bothering to wait for a reply, she began her dance to get to the flagship and the precious power cable.
Asuka had forgotten how elegant it could be, this dance with divine death. She would leap, soaring over the swirling waves, and look magnificent whilst doing so. Each step in this ballet was planned and executed perfectly, a combination now of muscle memory, now of natural skill. The tanginess of LCL in her mouth and lungs, the minor press of g-forces as she leapt from boat to boat, the sounds of the machine and the static voices from the communications array – it all came swirling inside her again. Slightly odd, like her plugsuit; but not unfamiliar or uncomfortable. Just unpractised (even though it looked majestic on the outside).
What she had prepared for, but was still overwhelmed by, was feeling her mother's presence around her. When she had done this before, she had viewed the Eva as a doll: something inanimate to order about. But now she knew what the Eva was – and how warm and safe and good it felt to be in her arms once again.
Mama, I am so glad it's you!
And the response nearly made her tear up, although it was faint and felt hazy.
Asuka! Schätzen! You have reached through at last. But your heart is so bruised - what has happened…?
No time Mama – help me and I will explain everything when I can.
Asuka's quick thinking had evidently come from her mother, because Kyoko immediately got into combat mode: silent and letting Asuka stay in total control, although the warmth and rightness Asuka had always felt when in the Eva remained. It was a reassuring constant, no matter what else was unusual
I will always love you, little one.
Over the Rainbow was one ship away, and as Asuka leapt she had a strong urge to do a twirl, although she did manage to resist. She instead chose to land with the grace that could be expected of a gigantic bio-mecha running on limited battery on an unstable platform in the middle of the ocean. Several fighter planes went to a watery grave, and Asuka thought she heard a faint whining from Kensuke-Stooge across the comms.
"Target inbound, port side at nine-o'clock!" Shinji called at a frankly unnecessary level in her ear
"I know, Third! Not so loud! Switching over to external power supply!"
The countdown screen immediately vanished.
"Arming prog-knife!"
Unit-02's left shoulder expanded then opened, revealing a handle, which the right hand rapidly pulled on. The sinister humming and hissing of the prog-knife's blade began, and it shone as it powered up.
"Showtime, you overgrown fish," Asuka growled, feeling the aggression in her chest build along with the prog-knife's power. Shinji glanced at her again but wisely opted to say nothing.
The overgrown fish in question was powering forward, and his monstrous snout had broken the water. She had forgotten just how big this leviathan really was – she was pretty sure those jaws could swallow most of the other angels whole, let alone the suddenly tiny-looking Unit-02.
I beat you once, I can do it again.
Gaghiel, oblivious to the sharp blade waiting for him, leapt entirely out of the water and planted himself squarely on the deck, crushing the remaining fighter jets and military equipment. An apt metaphor for the uselessness of standard weaponry against the messengers of God, Asuka thought to herself before her combat instincts took over.
Asuka manoeuvred her Eva so it wouldn't be crushed as Gaghiel landed on the deck, and jabbed the prog-knife into the angel's side. The angel thrashed wildly for a moment, and Asuka had a brief moment of elation at the thought that she had somehow injured the beast. Unfortunately it seemed only to enrage it, and one of Gaghiel's sides rammed into Unit-02 (which Asuka felt as it knocked the wind out of her - and out of Shinji, if his quiet grunt was anything to go by).
The angel had clearly decided that enough was enough, and used the still-shifting Over the Rainbow to propel itself overboard and into the still-swirling ocean. Unit-02, its hand still wrapped around the prog-knife, found itself dragged down with it. Asuka let out a yelp of surprise as the water engulfed her red Eva. She had hoped that she could have better predicted what was coming, but it seemed that she was always destined to end up floating in the ocean, being dragged along by some aquatic monster with an attitude problem.
A small warning starting beeping away, and Misato's voice over the communicator was frantic.
"Asuka, you can't fight underwater in a Type B configuration!"
"Don't worry Misato – if anyone can achieve the impossible, it's Asuka," Shinji's voice was a little shaky, but his confidence in her was surprising. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, and noted he was watching her intently. When he saw her glancing, he smiled slightly; a soft, warm thing that seemed surreally out of place in the battle.
"Shut up, idiot. And don't worry Misato – I got this!"
That wiped the smile right off.
Outside, the leviathan was reaching the bottom of the ocean, where the drowned remains of what had been the city of Higashimachi lay. Fish and sharks had their sleepy routine ruthlessly interrupted as Gaghiel dragged Unit-02 to the ocean floor. Moving about madly, possibly to show his displeasure at being stabbed in a soft part of his underbelly, the angel seemed to find every bump in the ruins. Which Asuka thought would have been a self-destructive and dumb strategy, but then she remembered she had effectively hooked the damn thing and it was trying to dislodge an unwanted visitor, and could understand the beast's approach.
"We will be running out of cable shortly," Shinji called to her, his eyes drawn to a screen somewhere behind her. Asuka's initial irritated reaction was being overridden by her combat training and experience.
"Unfortunately we won't be able to move much with the Type B configuration," Asuka replied, then turned to her comms.
Before she could speak however, she and Shinji were shaken rapidly the cockpit as the cable went taught. Asuka managed to stay where she was, but Shinji was thrown about, his arms flailing slightly, before he face planted in her crotch. Slightly winded at the sudden contact, and slightly stunned at the sudden jolting stop, Asuka took a second to realise where Shinji had landed.
"Get off of me, you horny pervert!"
Shinji mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like an apology, but stood up, taking care Asuka noted not to put his hands on her at all. She glared at him, but he simply shook his head and looked up at the visual display.
And gave a yelp of surprise, drawing Asuka's wrathful glare away from him to stare straight into the opened maw of Gaghiel, Leviathan of the Sea. Shinji may have said something, but she was far too focused on those razors barreling towards them.
Nine sets of white jaws, growling laughter, tearing and screams.
"Schiesse!" was all Asuka managed to get out before the teeth closed down.
She could feel each sword in Gaghiel's mouth pierce her skin, and she rapidly started patting her body to see if blood was pouring out. Her breathing was rapid, her heart beating in her ears, and everything else was static in her head again. The logical, in-control part of her brain was telling her Shinji was saying something, Misato was saying something, but it all seemed very, very far away.
There was nothing but those nine jaws, the red and the white of those obscene mouths, the crunching of bones – of her bones – and a lance in her eye. This was going to end badly, what was she doing here, why did she have to come back? Why? Why?! Why?!
Her arms were slack, but even in her dulled state she could feel Shinji reach over and start touching the controls. The sudden appearance of him in front of her sent all manner of more panicked zaps in her head as she remembered his hands on her throat in Instrumentality, and the burning hatred for her in his heart she could see and feel as if it were her own. The faces of the MP Evas morphed into Shinji's, covered in the blood of Unit-02, and the Instrumentality-Shinji turned into a white monster, white arms crushing her throat so much she couldn't breathe, the vicious teeth grinning as it choked the life from her-
This is not real, Schätzen.
The bizarre and frightening movie in her head vanished, and she felt Unit-02's warm, soothing neural energy flowing through her – she felt her Mama's energy flowing through her. The static died out again, although her body felt like it was shaking down to her very soul. She blinked, and, as her breathing eased out, she glanced around the entry plug, eyes falling on Shinji who was busy responding to the comms and was touching her controls, leaning over her but, she noted, trying desperately not to touch her.
Breathing deeply and slowly, she was distracted by Misato's voice over the comms, checking to see if they were ok with the plan.
Plan? Oh, the fishing plan. This should be much simpler with Mama helping at least – isn't that right Mama?
I will always look after you, my dearest Asuka.
Shinji made an affirmative noise at Misato, then turned his attention back to Asuka.
"Are you OK, Asuka?" he asked, his voice soft so it wouldn't be heard over the intercom, hard enough to demand an answer. His eyes were an unusual mixture of assessing and concerned, and his face was an extension of those eyes. Asuka nodded, then snarled and swatted him out of the way. Surprisingly, he gave way and slipped back behind her.
"Did you get the plan, Asuka? Shinji said something happened which threw you off?" Misato's voice came through the coms.
"Yeah, all good – keep our fish lord on the line while you reel him in, then open his mouth and have the battleships fire. I could do this in my sleep, so tell this idiot to stop trying to steal my glory Misato," she responded, trying her best to make her voice sound like she hadn't just gone through her second panic attack in as many hours.
The wavering of her voice undermined the show of bravado. No-one called her out on it.
"Very good. The battleships are abandoned, so we will begin retracting the cable now," Misato called over the coms. Seconds later Asuka felt the line start to tug at her back, and Gaghiel's subsequent counter-thrashing in the opposite direction. There was a tense moment, where the angel's teeth seemed to pull sharper at the Eva (bringing back further memories which, courtesy of the calming neural soothing from her mother's soul in the core, did not make Asuka go into a third panic attack), but slowly (yet with increasing speed) Unit-02 began to be pulled back to the surface.
"Asuka, we can only do this together," Shinji cried out, urgency lining his voice. He leaned over the controls, but Asuka growled at him.
"You guys aren't going to make it!" Misato was sounding shrill, and vaguely she was aware they were passing beneath the hulls of another battleship in the fleet.
Contact is imminent. The jaws are only slightly opened. Mama, I need you now!
"Unit-02 appears to be entering some form of berserk state! It has opened the jaws and appears to be howling underwater! Synch rate has skyrocketed!"
"The battleships have made contact!"
"Open fire!" shrieked Misato, her voice piercingly tinny over the intercom.
The battleships fired.
Gaghiel's tiny eye-slits had widened in pain and shock as the battleships had entered his gargantuan jaws, but they had positively bulged when several of the largest gun batteries on the ocean fired at point blank range on his core. Asuka observed, in her berserker-heightened state, fine lines of light had snaked across the leviathan's body, rapidly covering his ballooning body.
Unit-02 flew upwards, propelled by the explosive death of Gaghiel, and the elevated synch rate brought a world of feelings from her Mama. Time slowed down for Asuka as she embraced the sensations that could have been memories, could have been feelings, could have been dreams: Warm days in the German forests, sweet shadows of smiles and flowing red hair, a pair of soft eyes watching little children laughing in a playground whilst mothers whispered behind them, Shinji's death screams as he watched his failed attempt to save her from Zeruel -
Wait, what was that?!
The berserker synch rate provided a joint connection between Asuka and her mother – that was to be expected. But of course, she had completely forgotten that while the majority of the connection would be shared between her and Kyoko's soul, there would also be another person who would experience some of her thoughts, emotions, and memories – Shinji Ikari. Who had memories of dying with her at the hands of an angel.
The Third Child was sitting there in shock, his eyes wide and his breathing heavy. As Unit-02 completed its upward arc, and slowly turned in the air to begin its rapid descent, his eyes met Asuka's.
Shinji never died against any angel fight. But that was his memory, unless Instrumentality has shown me some alternate universe. But what the hell is going on? Asuka's mind was whirring madly, and she could see Shinji staring at her with confusion – and hostile appraisal. They were both silent for the remainder of the downward trajectory.
What did you see Third Child?
Unit-02 landed with the elegance becoming a giant bio-mecha on its last second of battery, and, with something that could have been a whine of complaint, keeled over on the deck of the Rainbow.
And as the Eva powered down, leaving them in the darkness of the pod, one thought was powering through Asuka's brain. The evidence, piece by piece which had seemed out of place but explainable, was too heavy to ignore now:
That cannot be Shinji Ikari.
A/N: After seeing a few (much appreciated) comments on my oneshot, I decided to have a crack at a larger plot based on the idea. Most of my writing tends to be shorter pieces, so this will be an experiment for me. Hopefully it can join the pantheon of time-travel fics out there.
Feedback thoroughly appreciated – technical or otherwise. I have done the writing and editing myself, so I suspect there may be an error here and there, but I have endeavoured to make them non-existent.
I have got the structure laid out for where I want to take it, writing will depend on my schedule (I will aim for monthly updates).
Heads up, my understanding of Japanese naming conventions is limited, so I have decided against using honorifics like -san/-kun etc, as well as the infamous baka insult. I will use English "idiot" or "stupid". For German I know a little bit, but generally will use [italicised]. Exceptions will be the occasional endearment between Kyoko and Asuka. If anyone wishes to instruct me on what to write in German instead, more than happy to take that on board.