AUTHOR'S NOTE: More angst and feels ahead, Aly finally gets everything out in the open-now she can begin to heal! Just wanted to let y'all know that the publishing schedule may change for a bit. During the next several weeks there are 2 holidays, a couple of family birthdays, and other events in my life, so I'm going to be more busy than usual. I'll still try to get a chapter out each week but it may not happen on Friday, it might be another day, and there may be a week or two where I don't get anything published-I'll have to see how things go. Thank you for all the reviews and support, it means a lot to me! Beta-ed by Edge_of_Clairvoyance.
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"All right, I'm finished." Dad pushed the cutting board over to me.
"Wow, that looks great, you've diced the onion finer than I ever have!" I said, lifting the board and sweeping the onion bits into my bowl.
"Which herbs do you need, Aly?" Sam called from the other side of the kitchen.
"Basil, thyme, and sage." I told him.
He brought the bottles over and set them, and a set of measuring spoons, down next to me. "Thanks." I said.
He smiled and went back to the counter, where he was tearing up lettuce to make a salad.
Dad watched me measure the herbs into the bowl with a fond smile. "I used to like watching your mother cook, she knew her way around the kitchen. You seem to have her confidence."
"What do you mean?" I cracked eggs into the bowl.
"She always seemed comfortable, like she knew what she was doing, even if it was the first time making a recipe, she had this confidence that it would turn out well. And you have that too."
"I never thought about it, I just...do it. And I like it."
"And you're good at it." He smiled so that his dimples showed.
"Thanks." I put my hands into the bowl and began to mix the ground beef, diced vegetables, and herbs together with the raw eggs.
Dean came into the kitchen and stood by the table, watching me with a look of disgust. "I don't know how you can put your hands in that raw meat, it's just-" he shuddered.
"I don't mind." I shrugged. "I make it and you eat it."
"And that's how I like it." He grinned.
I picked up the meat mixture and plopped it onto a sheet pan, then shaped the ground meat into a rectangular loaf shape. "Is the oven preheated?" I asked.
"Yeah, it is." Sam said.
I looked at Dad. "It's ready to go in, can you put it in?"
"Sure thing. For how long?" He picked up the pan.
"One hour and fifteen minutes."
He carried the pan over to the stove and put it in the oven, then came back over and sat down. "I'll get started on the potatoes."
"Okay, thanks." I looked at Dean. "Can you help me get over to the sink?" I held up my hands, which were covered in raw meat bits. "I don't think I can hold the crutches like this."
He put his hand under my elbow and helped me stand up. "I'll just carry you." He put his arm around my waist and lifted me easily, carrying me next to him as he walked us over to the sink.
As I washed my hands he brought the crutches over.
An hour and a half later, we had the table set for seven people with the meatloaf, salad, a huge bowl of mashed potatoes, gravy, and rolls. Calvin's kitchen table wasn't big enough for everyone so we were in the formal dining room.
"This looks great!" Uncle Bobby said enthusiastically.
"You made this?" Mr. Sexton pointed to the platter of sliced meatloaf.
"She makes the best meatloaf, you're in for a treat!" Dean's eyes gleamed.
Everyone sat down and passed the food around.
"You've outdone yourself this time, Aly, this is excellent," Uncle Bobby said through a mouthful of meatloaf.
"Yeah, it's really good." Mr. Sexton chimed in.
I felt my face get hot as I ducked my head. "Thank you." I muttered.
Dad put his hand on my back for a moment. "Don't be shy, it's great."
I glanced at him. "Thanks."
"You know I like it." Dean was already reaching for the platter again for a second serving.
"We're lucky Aly's such a good cook, otherwise we'd be stuck eating John Winchester's bachelor chow-style meals." Sam said, and everyone laughed. It was a family joke that we all knew that Dad wasn't that good of a cook.
Uncle Bobby's phone rang and he got up as he answered it, leaving the room. A couple of minutes later he was back, his mouth set in a thin line. "That was Thompson, he just spent a couple days interrogating a demon, said that we'd be interested to hear about what he learned."
Dad raised his eyebrows. "Is he still working on it?"
Uncle Bobby shook his head. "No, he finished this morning. He wants to meet up tonight, if we can."
"Where's he want to meet?" Mr. Sexton asked.
"He said he's at the roadhouse off of route 361."
Mr. Sexton stood up. "Well, let's go."
Dean looked over at Calvin. "You got some sliced bread so I can make a meatloaf sandwich to go?"
"Wait, you're all leaving? Now?" I looked around at everyone.
"Yes, Aly, right now we need to be on top of this-it could be one step closer to finding Jackson." Dad said.
I sighed as disappointment rose up in me. When hunters got to talking they could take a long time-there was no telling what time they'd get back.
"I'll stay here with Aly, if that's okay." Sam said.
"Sounds good." Dad stood up and came over to me. "What's wrong?" He put his hand on the back of my head.
I looked up at him with a worried frown. "This isn't a hunt, right, you're not going to get hurt or anything?"
"Right, the heavy lifting's been done, we're just going to talk." Dad leaned down to kiss the crown of my head.
I pushed my chair back and stood up, holding my arms out.
"We're not going to be gone long." Dad said, hugging me.
Dean came over and hugged me too, a paper towel wrapped around his makeshift sandwich. "I'll eat more when I get home."
Calvin stood up. "Well, more pie for us, then."
Dean looked at him with surprise. "There's pie?"
Calvin nodded. "Store-bought, but I was gonna heat it up in the oven."
Dean looked at Dad with a pleading expression. "Let's try to get back here ASAP for the pie!"
I laughed at Dean's pitiful face. He pointed at me. "You and Sam better not eat it all." He said mock-sternly.
"We won't." I said.
After the men left, Sam set me up in the living room and then he and Calvin cleaned up the dishes and the meal. I half-heartedly watched part of an episode of Doctor Sexy, MD while I waited for them.
Sam came into the living room with two dessert plates and handed me one. "It just came out of the oven." He said.
Calvin joined us with his own plate. Sam let me pick out what to watch, and I found Little Women. I started to get sleepy as Jo moved to New York.
I was tied to the chair, Jervis leaning down in my face, his eyes black. Suddenly his face changed, coalescing into Dean's. All the angles of his face were sharp and his eyes gleamed black. "You've been a thorn in my side since the day you were born. It was always, "watch out for your sister" but I hated every second of it. I couldn't wait to get away from you."
His face morphed into Sam's, his eyes a hard black as well. "You're the dumbest kid I've ever known. No one wanted to take care of you, Dean and I argued all the time over who had to watch the whiny little annoyance. We were glad when Dad took us on hunts, so glad to drop you off at someone else's house so you'd be their problem." Sam sneered.
His face changed to Dad's, his brows down and his jaw set."You're a failure in every sense of the word." He spat. "We hadn't planned for you and it's safe to say you were a mistake, and I regret having you. You don't live up to the Winchester name and no matter how hard you try you're always going to fail."
"It's just a dream, just a dream-" I said desperately.
Dad grinned viciously and blinked, his eyes staying the same shiny black. "You're worthless, and you're not my daughter. If I could get rid of you, I would."
His face melted into Jervis's. "I know that they're just pretending to care about you-you're not a hunter like them, you just drag them down. They're not going to rescue you." He said smugly.
I woke suddenly, barely stifling a gasp. I was alone in the living room, a local news program on the TV.
"Well apparently, those fuckers are gossiping about us now." I heard Dean in the foyer. His voice was bitter.
"Lower your voice so Aly doesn't hear." Dad said.
"She's been zonked out on the couch for over an hour." Sam said. "What do you mean?"
"Acting like we're shit hunters because Aly got kidnapped. Thompson said the demon was all 'Even the mighty Winchesters ain't so mighty anymore, with their little girl being taken from right under their noses, so what are you gonna do to me?'!" Dean sounded outraged.
"Dean, our reputation isn't that important." Dad said.
"The hell it isn't!" Dean snapped. "You know how hunters gossip about each other, and they talk about who's not good to work with and who's a drunk and all that."
The emotions that the dream always evoked in me were right there-the sadness from the things that my family had said, the fear that what they had said was how they really felt. And now to hear this-that our family was being talked about, with the inference that they weren't good hunters because I got kidnapped-guilt rose up in me like a wave. The tangle of feelings in my chest were back. I grabbed my crutches and moved as stealthily as I could toward the foyer, but I'm sure they heard me coming.
Dad, Dean, Sam, Uncle Bobby, and Calvin were all standing by the door. They all looked at me as I came in.
"How are you feeling?" Dad asked. "Did you just wake up?"
I stopped near the entrance to the hallway. "You can stop pretending, I heard everything." I snapped. "In fact, you can stop pretending about everything!"
"What do you mean?" Dean frowned.
"I know demons get in your head and they can twist things around-but they can also find the truth and throw it back in your face! And I know how it really is! I know how you really feel about me!" I pointed at Dean. "You've always hated watching out for me, you couldn't wait to get away." I pointed at Sam. "You think I'm dumb, and you and Dean argued over who had to watch the whiny little annoyance, you liked it when you'd leave me at someone's house and I'd be their problem."
Sam's mouth dropped open. "Aly-"
I pointed at Dad. "I know I'm a failure and you regret having me, and you want to get rid of me. I'll never live up to the Winchester name." I became aware that tears were pouring down my face. "And now you're being dragged through the mud because of me and that stupid kidnapping! It's all my fault!"
"Alyson, let's sit down and talk about-" Dad's voice was calm.
"NO!" I shrieked. "Once a failure, always a failure! Maybe if Jervis had let Dipper hurt me like he wanted I wouldn't be here now, fucking things up for you even more!"
I turned and started hobbling down the hall as fast as I could go-which was faster than I thought. I heard footsteps behind me.
"Aly-" It was Dean. "Aly, stop!" I felt him take my arm, and I turned, yanking my arm out of his hand. I lifted the crutch and whacked the side of his leg with it. "Leave me alone!" I snarled.
"Ouch!" He wasn't expecting the blow and stumbled backwards.
I quickly made it to the bedroom, slamming and locking the door. Moments later there was a firm knock.
"Aly-" The door knob rattled. "Aly, open up, come on!" Dean called.
"G-GO AWAY!" I shouted, sobs overtaking me.
Dean knocked on the door again. "Can we talk about- things?" The doorknob rattled again.
"N-NO! L-LEAVE ME ALONE!" I repeated, shouting louder.
It sounded like footsteps were walking away. Dammit, I knew all three of them had lock picks, and I wasn't going to let them open the door!
I moved over to the armchair that was near the door. I propped my crutches against the dresser nearby and began to try and push the armchair toward the door.
"Alyson," I heard Dad's voice now, with another knock. "Alyson, open up and talk to us please, come on."
"No! Go away!" I grunted with the effort of moving the chair. It was hard while balancing on one foot. "Fuck it," I muttered, putting my cast down on the floor. I was able to gain some traction and push the chair forward a bit, more toward the door.
The door knob was rattling now, which meant that someone was using a lock pick.
Pain shot through my ankle as I pushed again. "Ow!" I grunted. I lifted my cast up and lost my balance, falling sideways onto the floor and knocking into the crutches, which fell with a noisy clatter.
"Are you all right?" I heard Sam call.
The doorknob popped and the door swung open, but was partly blocked by the armchair. Dean stuck his head around the door. "She moved the chair over to block the door, we need to push it a little." He disappeared.
"GO! AWAY! And leave me alone!" I screamed.
The door moved against the chair, pushing it out of the way, and then Dean came in, followed by Dad and Sam.
I scooted back against the dresser, grabbing one of the crutches. As they came over to me, I had a flash of the dream, of being on the floor with them surrounding me. I stared up at them, watching their eyes in case they changed.
"YOU'RE NOT GONNA HURT ME!" I screamed, brandishing the crutch at them.
Dad knelt down in front of me, his hands up, palms out. "No one's going to hurt you, Alyson. You're safe." He caught my eyes. "Are you remembering something that happened before? You're at Calvin's now, with Dean and Sam and me, and you're safe. We rescued you from the demons, and you're safe with us now." He held his hand out. "Can I have the crutch? I don't want anyone to get hurt."
The tangle in my chest dissolved suddenly, and all my feelings deflated. I dropped the crutch next to me, pulling my good leg up in front of me. "You said if you could get rid of me, you would." I whispered, tears overcoming me again. I rested my head on my knee and wrapped my arms around my leg, sobbing.
"Sweetheart, talk to me." Dad said. "All those things you were saying-where did they come from? Did one of the demons say those things to you?"
I heard movement and glanced up. My brothers were sitting down on the floor, Sam on one side of me and Dean next to Dad.
"I-I h-had a d-dream." My chest hitched. "It-it was what made me s-start to say the exorcism prayer."
"I remember you mentioned that you had a dream, but you kinda glossed over it." Sam said.
"You said that Jervis kept telling you that we weren't going to rescue you, that we didn't care about you-was it in a similar vein?" Dad asked.
I lowered my head. "No." I whispered again. "I s-saw you in the dream, y-you each said things to me, horrible things."
"Like what?" Dad shifted his leg.
"D-dean said I was a thorn in his side since the day I was born and he hated watching out for me, and couldn't w-wait to get away from me. And he s-slapped m-me. Then Sam s-said I was the d-dumbest kid he's ever known, that Dean and h-him argued all the time over who had to watch the whiny little annoyance, that you guys were g-glad when Dad took you on hunts, glad to drop me off at someone else's h-house so I'd be their problem, and h-he slammed me into the wall." I wiped my nose with the back of my hand.
"Oh, Aly," Sam said quietly.
I glanced at Dad, then stared at my lap. "Th-then you said-you s-said- I was a failure in every sense of the w-word, that you hadn't planned for me and I w-was a mi-mistake, and you regretted having m-me. That I-I d-don't live up to the Wi-winchester name and no matter how hard I try, I'll always f-fail. You hit me so hard I f-fell down. Y-you said I was w-worthless, and that I w-wasn't your daughter and if you could get rid of m-me, y-you w-would." My chest was heaving with sobs again as I covered my eyes with my hand. "Th-then you all c-crowded around m-me and y-your eyes were b-black and y-you were all g-gonna k-kick me-and that-that's when I w-woke up."
"Aly-sweetheart-" I felt a hand on my arm and startled, looking up. Dad had moved next to me, facing me. "Can I hug you?"
I nodded, leaning forward as he put his arms around me. I leaned on his chest and sobbed into his flannel, feeling him rubbing my back as he spoke. "I know I said before that demons can get into your head, and you said at one point that it felt like Jervis was looking into your soul. It sounds like he was able to get in there and really use your fears against you." He let me go and pulled back, cupping my cheek with his hand and raising my head so he could look me in the eyes. "All those things you said-they weren't the truth. There may be deep dark secrets that demons can discover about a person, but they're usually secrets that that person is keeping, not secret thoughts that other people think about them. There's no way that Jervis would have been able to tell you what Dean or Sam or I were really thinking or feeling about you, because he wasn't in our heads, he got into yours. That was all you, all of your fears." His brown eyes were kind. "And it breaks my heart to think that you've been holding on to all that since-since we rescued you. Why didn't you talk about it?" He put his hand down.
I dropped my eyes as the tears started again. "I-I didn't want to relive the feelings, at first, and then I d-didn't want to bother everyone, and I s-started to feel like m-maybe the dream was h-how you guys really f-felt. And I got tired of crying all the time, you guys don't cry after hunts and stuff, I mean there were a couple times I remember Sam and Dean being upset for a little while, but it wasn't for days and days like I've been doing." Sam put a tissue box in my lap and I pulled a couple out and blew my nose, then wiped my cheeks.
"We hid it from you." Dean said. "Every hunter gets upset after a hunt sometimes."
"And you've just been through a terrible experience, you're still processing it." Sam said. "It's okay to cry a lot. Don't judge your behavior against ours, we've had years of practice hiding things."
Dad took my hand. "Alyson, I want you to know that you can talk to any of us about this, about any part of the kidnapping, you can keep talking about the same thing over and over if you need to, no one is going to fault you for that. Remember, you're not supposed to withhold things from me? I don't want you to hide things, because I want to be able to take care of you and make sure you're okay."
With a jolt I remembered him talking about that when I got in trouble for forging his signature. It seemed like it had been years ago. I felt my face get hot again. "I'm s-sorry." I muttered.
"I'm not saying that so you'll feel bad, I want you to remember it. Don't keep things from me, or from us, because you don't want to bother us, or for any reason. Please, Aly - can you promise me?"
"All right." I shifted, grimacing as my ankle throbbed.
"What's wrong?" Dad asked.
"I, uh- I put the crutches down when I was trying to move the chair, I-I put my foot down and stepped on the cast." I said, shame making my cheeks hot again.
Dad sighed. "You know you can't do that." He scolded gently.
"Yeah, I know, m'sorry."
"Are you in pain?" He asked.
"Yeah, my ankle hurts."
"Dean, can you go ask Calvin for some medication?" Dad looked over at him.
"Sure." Dean got up and left the room.
"Let's get you up and over to the bed." Dad said. He and Sam stood and helped me stand, then they both half-carried me over to the bed.
Dad let go of me, but Sam held on to my arm. "Listen, Aly, I don't think you're dumb, I've never thought that. Remember how I'd read to you, I read you The Hobbit, what was it, three times? And Dean and I always hated leaving you, we'd worry about you when we were hunting and we'd argue about who got to hug you first when we got back."
"You did?" I looked up at him.
He smiled down at me. "Yeah, we did. Remember how it was when it was me and you, before Dad started taking me hunting? You were my buddy."
I remembered Sam taking me to find lizards in a parking lot when we were staying at a motel out west, him giving me a piggy back ride after we walked to the store, snuggling up to him as he read to me at bedtime. "Yeah." I smiled back.
He pulled me into a hug. "You're my little sister and I love you, don't forget that, okay?"
I hugged him back. "I love you too, Sammy, thanks."
He let me go and helped me sit down on the edge of the bed.
Dean came into the room followed by Calvin, who was holding a glass of water and a pill bottle. "You put weight on your foot?" He asked sternly.
I looked down. "Yeah, I'm sorry." I admitted.
Calvin handed me the glass. "How bad does it hurt?"
"Uh, not as bad as when I got hurt, but-it's bad. When I stepped on it, I felt this, like, stabbing pain, and now it's throbbing."
He opened the pill bottle and removed one, handing it to me. "Take a Tylenol 3, if it doesn't help let me know and I'll get ya somethin' stronger. I want you to take it easy tomorrow, little lady."
"Yes sir." I took the pill and drank some of the water. He took the glass back and left the room.
Dean looked at me. "Aly-" He said sadly. "I hate that you've been walking around feeling like-like we don't care about you and all. You-you've gotta know that I've never-well, I know that in the past I've had some times where I felt- shit." He looked down, running his hand through his hair. "I'm not doing a very good job of this." He muttered. He knelt down in front of me and took my hands. "I've always felt like it was my job to take care of you, practically since you were born, and when Dad gave you to me the night of-" He stopped talking and pressed his lips together. "Even though there were times I got stressed, I always loved being your big brother and taking care of you. Remember how I'd let you sleep with me when we got to a new motel?" When I had been small, I had always felt uncomfortable in a new motel room and had disliked going to bed on my own, and Dean had always been there to put me at ease.
I nodded. He squeezed my hands and got up, leaning down to hug me. "I love you, short stuff, don't ever doubt that."
"I love you too, Dean." I hugged him back. "Sorry I hit you with my crutch."
"It's okay, it didn't hurt anyway, you hit like a girl." He let me go and stepped back, giving me a sassy grin.
Dad sat down on the bed next to me. "I know I told you before that you-you weren't planned, but your mother and I-we never regretted having you, not for a minute. I don't think you're worthless or any of the other things you said- you're a Winchester, you're smart, and you're strong. You're my daughter, and I'm proud of you even though I don't say it enough-" Dad's voice cracked. "When we were driving to find you, I was so worried-I thought-I was so scared we'd lost you." He put his arms around me, and I felt his chest hitch. "I'm so glad we got you back." He whispered.
I put my arms around him and hugged him. "I love you, Daddy." I said.
He squeezed me. "I love you too, Pumpkin." He released me.
I sat back, yawning.
"I think the medicine is already kicking in." He smiled at me. "You ready for bed?"
"I guess." I said.
My brothers both hugged me again, and Dad helped me lay down with my foot propped up. "How's the pain now?" He asked.
"It's-dull." I mumbled sleepily. "You stay with me?"
"Of course I will, sweetheart." He sat next to me, stroking my hair back from my face. My eyelids fluttered closed, and I slept.