Loss
Life boils down to one choice: livelihood or happiness. One must be sacrificed to get the other. Sometimes, it's possible to achieve both. But most of us aren't afforded that luxury. No one should ever have to make such a choice, let alone at 22 years old. Your priorities change by the year, by the circumstance. Mamă, Tată, and everyone in the village weren't given a choice at all. I should've considered myself lucky. Donna's property had more to offer than Heisenberg could give me. With her, I didn't have to make a choice. I could have both. I was incredibly fortunate… or so I thought.
Within minutes, my bag was packed. Daria and I were on the trail that same afternoon. Returning the same day after leaving wasn't rude, was it? Angie offered to let me stay several times. Anywhere was better than in that factory.
Once at the Beneviento estate, I could wake up every day and see Tată and Oskar in the garden. I could have tea paired with lovely conversations for hours with Donna and Angie. Then, I would play games with all the dolls.
I would be safe from Lady Dimitrescu, just as Mamă wanted. I would be happy every day, just as Tată wanted. I would be in the company of people who understood me, just as I wanted: a fairy tale come true.
I could hardly contain my excitement. Donna and Angie would finally get to meet Daria, who I had told them so much about. I would take them for trail rides and let them feed her. Daria could help us get more creative with games too. The possibilities were endless.
In no time, we made it to Donna's garden.
"Oh, hu hu hu! Is that Daria? She's so pretty!" Donna and Angie were already waiting for us there.
"Yes! Um… I was wondering… if we could stay here with you."
"Oh? What made you change your mind? Did you finally get tired of Heisenberg's games?"
"…You could say that. But more than that, I like spending time with you two! I have so much fun every time I come here!"
Angie giggled. "We have fun with you too, of course. You must be eager to see your father again too, right?"
"Well… yes, but…"
"Here, let me take Daria. She'll be safe with us."
Something screamed inside me, warning me against Angie's suggestion. Dread, malice, anxiety… Whatever it was, it made my grip on Daria's reins tighten. Why was Angie bringing up my father like that? There was no mention of him since my first two visits.
"You want to see him again, right? Then you have to let Daria go," Angie said.
Me? Give up Daria? Why was that necessary? I could have both, couldn't I?
"Lipa. It's time to come home." Tată appeared from the fog. I set my eyes on his face. Despite seeing him so often, I felt a chill.
"We can be together forever. But you have to let go."
Daria kicked and whinnied as I crept closer to Tată. I looked between her and him. Him, or her. No… there had to be another way!
"No… I can't let her go! Let her come with us!" I protested.
"Oh, poooooor Lipa. Can't make up her mind. Here, let me help you." Angie cackled.
Suddenly, my hands were empty. My eyes snapped to where Daria used to be. Panic gripped me.
"Daria? Daria?!" I screamed into the fog.
When I looked around again, I was home, standing in the kitchen. I spun on my heel. ...How? How had I gotten there? What the hell was happening?
Sobs came from another room. Wasn't that…? I slowly opened the door to my parents' room.
"There's nothing more that can be done for him, Constanta. You must take him to the church at once." The doctor tried his best to console Mamă. She was holding on tight to Tată's hand as he coughed in bed. Mamă slowly nodded.
"Yes… yes, you're right. Please, will you help me?"
"Of course."
Mamă turned around and spotted me. She paused for a moment, hastily wiping her tears before rushing to me. She held my hands with her own. "Lipa, honey, go back to your room, OK? And don't come out until we come back."
"Is Tată still sick?" I asked.
"Yes… yes, he's very sick. But it's going to be all right. Mother Miranda will heal him. That's why it's very important you stay safe until we come back, understood?"
"Yes, Mamă."
This, all this, had happened before. No… I couldn't live this over again. I knew all too well how it ended.
But I couldn't stop it. I turned again and watched as Tată rose from his seat in the kitchen.
"Where are you going, Tată?" I asked.
He smiled at me. "To the church. Mother Miranda wants to see me again to make sure I'm getting better."
"But you promised you'd go pick roses with me today!" I pouted.
Tată ruffled my hair. "I won't be long. I'll go see Mother, and when I come back, we'll get as many roses as you want, OK?" He winked.
Satisfied with the answer, I let him go. Yes, he'd improved since Mother Miranda started treating him. But then… no, no! I wouldn't live through it again!
Please… please, make this stop! I screamed, but no one heard. Those memories were outside of my control. I grabbed at my head and shut my eyes, hoping that when I opened them the nightmare would be over.
But when I dared to look again, Tată was walking back in the door. He was coughing again.
"Honey, please, come and sit down," Mamă urged. Tată waved her off.
"I'm fine, really. I just… need to rest." He walked back to their room and laid down. Mamă and I watched helplessly from the kitchen.
"Is Tată sick again?" I asked Mamă.
"Yes… yes, honey. But it's OK. Mother Miranda said this might happen. She said it'll get worse before it gets better."
"But she promised to heal him," I retorted.
"And she is."
"No, she's not! She's made him worse! He was doing fine for almost a year!"
"That's enough, Lipa! We must have faith! That's the only thing that will heal him!"
"You and Tată have been faithful your whole lives! If that was the answer, then why did he get sick at all?"
"I said enough!" Mamă shouted, her eyes burning. I knew better than to keep up the assault. She was losing Tată just like I was. Accusing her of any wrongdoing was too cruel. But the hatred I felt didn't dissipate.
What had I done to deserve such punishment? I already lived through all that once. Why was I being forced to live it all again?!
"Make it stop!" I screamed as I threw a chair from the kitchen.
Tată appeared again, just after he had swiped the chair from the table. Mamă rushed to his side.
"Honey, what's wrong?!"
"I'm fine, I'm just…" He coughed violently, sending him to the floor.
"Lipa! Run to the church! Get Mother!"
"He doesn't need her; he needs a doctor!" I argued.
"This is not the time for this, Lipa! Now go!"
Tată writhed on the floor. It was much more agonizing than anything he'd experienced before. She cursed him… The woman my parents and the rest of the village placed so much trust in betrayed them. And all I could do was watch.
Growls came out of Tată's mouth that resembled a predator. His movements became feral. He bared his teeth at Mamă.
"H… Honey?" Mamă stumbled back as Tată kept growling at her.
The villagers told stories, whispered about horrible sounds that could be heard roaming in the night. Some said they were just animals on the prowl. Others said they were cursed villagers who had transformed into monsters. But every version of the story contained wolves. There and then, the stories came to life.
The monster who was once my father lunged at Mamă. She screamed as she dashed for her room. She snatched me from my shock and pulled me in as well before latching the door shut. The wood bent and splintered, barely keeping its integrity to protect us from its attacker. Mamă held me as tight as she could and recited a prayer. My pulse pounded in my ears. Was this really it? Would I really die at the teeth of my father? If he got through that door, I would lose everything. There had to be something, anything that could save me! I just had to think, think…
I glanced around the room, searching for a last gleam of hope. And there it was, resting against the side of the wardrobe. Tată taught me how to use it. "For emergencies only, mititica. It's not a toy." Never did I dream that a quiet village like ours would ever have an emergency. How stupid of me.
I pried myself from Mamă to grab the gun. I cocked it and turned to the door.
"Lipa?! What are you doing?!"
"Get away from the door, Mamă!"
"Lipa, you can't!"
Why not? It wasn't a matter of morals or readiness; it was a matter of life or death, kill or be killed. It didn't matter to me what that monster used to be.
The door finally gave out. The monster burst through, planting itself in the middle of the room. Mamă dove under the bed and grabbed at my ankle to urge me to do the same. But I wouldn't be dissuaded. There was no running from this. I aimed the gun, watching the creature as it locked onto me.
I fired. The recoil sent me back against the wardrobe. The sound rang in my ears. The monster staggered but didn't fall. I cocked again. And fired. I cocked again. And fired. Stop… just stop! I pleaded silently with every shot.
And then… it was over. The monster twitched for a few moments before lying still. The gun fell from my shaking hands. My mind was numb. My knees hit the floor as I stared into the face of what I'd done. What once looked so horrible and dangerous… now looked like the gentle figure that raised me. What had I done… Oh god, what had I done?!
I'd never actually shot anything before. Tată didn't want to waste the ammo on target practice. How cruel… How unbelievably cruel. The first and only use I'd ever get out of that gun was to kill my father.
Mamă and I weren't even given the courtesy of grieving time. Mamă was clinging to Tată's body, sobbing, when Mother Miranda and another villager entered.
"Cursed… this whole house is cursed!" the man proclaimed. "I told you, Mother! We need to quarantine these two immediately!" He shot an accusing finger at me while pleading his case.
"Mother" just stared at Tată's body. "Such a shame… the black god did not favor you."
The black god? The black god?
"This is your fault!" I yelled, the rage heating my words.
All eyes were on me. Mamă didn't speak, but I could see the fear in her eyes.
"Shut yer mouth, heathen!" The man stepped forward.
I yanked the gun from the floor. "No! You can't shut me up anymore!"
"Knock it off! You've fucked with her enough!" Wait… who was that? That voice… But whose…?
Mother Miranda sneered. "Poor child. I suggest you think very carefully before defying your creator."
"Lipa!" That voice again… Nothing like it had been present during that time... It sounded faintly like Mamă, but it was distorted, mixed with another person's.
"I… I won't let you get away with this!" My hands trembled. There was only one place for my hatred to go. The man stepped between me and Miranda.
"What will you do?" She mocked.
"Shut up! Just shut up!" I placed my finger on the trigger.
"Lipa!"
The gun was yanked from my hands, but everyone else was just standing there. In a blink, the whole scene was gone. I was standing in Donna's garden and just in front of me was… Heisenberg. He was holding the rifle away from me.
I could barely catch my breath. I just stared at him with wide eyes. Tears dampened my cheeks as I slowly looked down at my unsteady palms. The whiplash loosened my joints and I fell to the dirt. Heisenberg walked around me, gritting his teeth at something behind me.
"Are you finally done?" He hissed.
"But… But we were just at the good part!" Angie cackled.
"I said knock it off! You just couldn't help yourself, could you, Donna?"
"But she wanted to play with me!" Angie retorted.
"Yeah, before she knew the fucked-up things you'd do to her head! Just stick to your ugly ass dolls and leave the rest of us alone!"
No response.
After a moment, I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Come on. Let's go."
Heisenberg started walking back towards the gate, my stuff slung on his shoulder. I willed myself to stand. Wait… if I was back in the garden, and Heisenberg had my things, then…
"Wa… wait."
Heisenberg looked over his shoulder.
"Where's… where's Daria?" I looked around in a frenzy. She was nowhere in sight.
Heisenberg started walking again. "I said let's go."
"Tell me!"
He let out a deep breath before facing me. He looked off toward the other side of the graves. I forced myself to look too. I walked a few steps forward to see what he saw.
A gasp shook my heart. I almost vomited. Damn my curiosity. For once, I concede that Heisenberg was right. Maybe I should've just left and let him tell me later. Daria was there, horribly marred by large holes in her side. Her eyes were dark, staring into the abyss. I… I don't want to say anything more than that.
I continued to stand there, staring at her. I couldn't move. How could I? I was a monster. Everything I ever touched, ever loved, was mauled by my own hands.
My sins anchored me there until Heisenberg guided me to his bike. I loosely sat and felt my metal arm glue itself to Heisenberg's side. I turned to get one last look at the ones I once called friends. They both just waved and disappeared into the fog.