An Old Friend

After we returned from the Beneviento estate, Heisenberg and I didn't say a word to each other. I simply got off the bike with heavy legs and went straight to the barn. I paused at the door but forced myself to open it. The small amount of sunlight that peeked through focused on the spot where I used to sleep. Daria's spare blanket was still there, covered in bits of hay. Her saddle was resting on the stall wall next to it. I would never ride her again… I would never groom her again… I would never pet her again… I would never see her again… Hell, I didn't even get the chance to bury her. She was owed that much, but I couldn't even provide that. What a horrendous, shitty friend I was. I couldn't repent or beg her for forgiveness. I had to live with what I'd done.

I slept in the barn that night, crying myself to sleep. Why hadn't I stayed with her the whole time? Why did I have to move to the room Heisenberg gave me? Those few precious moments with Daria were lost forever. I hated myself more than I can describe.

Every day from then on was a constant battle. I would wake up not wanting to see the sun. Food never crossed my mind. Heisenberg never appeared to give me orders… or at all, really. Not that I cared. I didn't want to see him anyway. He was there when Daria died, and he did nothing to stop it. He was just as much to blame for her death as me.

My body was on autopilot. I lost track of time. I would sleep in the barn, wake up, and go out to the field (if I were up to it). Some days, I would just lay there. If I could get up, I would just wander to different machines, tinkering with them pointlessly. The repetitive motion of screwing and unscrewing something was enough to at least take my mind off my loneliness. But it was meaningless. It was all meaningless. I was still stuck at that factory, forced to face the facts: I was a killer.

Not only had I killed my best friend, but my father too. In the time that I've had to reflect, I know that it was ultimately self-defense (in Tată's case). However, at that time, I saw it as my failing as a daughter, as a human being. It was all my fault. Lycan or not, I convinced myself that there must've been some way to save him. But no. The present me knows that wasn't possible. The only way would have been to stop him from seeking Miranda's "treatment". But I was a child, and he an adult. What would I have said to convince him? He was beyond salvation. I think I did him a favor. But past me... poor, grieving past me, didn't have the clarity to think that way.

One night, when the air was chilly and the moon turned pink, I built a fire in the usual spot. I think two weeks had passed since that day in Donna's garden, but I can't be sure. Once there was enough wood to keep the flames going for a few hours, I sat and hugged my knees with Daria's blanket around me. The fire was supposed to keep me company, but it just isolated me further. It taunted me with each ash that flew out, cackled with each spark. "You're all alone," it hissed. "You're just a miserable, horrific failure."

It was right. They were all right; every person that ever told me I was worthless and wouldn't amount to anything. They all mocked me as I started to sob. I buried my face in my kneecaps. How could I ever be stupid enough to think that I would become something, someone worthwhile? Every night, I dreamed of escaping the village. To do what? What worth did I have to the outside world? That's why Mamă sent me to Heisenberg; it had nothing to do with Lady Dimitrescu. She wanted to see if someone, anyone, would find some use for me and take me off her hands. She loathed me. Yes, she blamed me for Tată's death. Of course… Of course…

As I continued to cry, the sound of churning gears interrupted my thoughts. Probably just one of Heisenberg's toys, I thought in annoyance. But he never worked out there that late…

The sound grew louder, accompanied by an engine roar. The sound sent a jolt through my brain. I snapped to my feet and let Daria's blanket slide off my back.

"Will you shut−?!"

Before I could finish my outburst, something poked its head out of the building. It was too tall to be Heisenberg, and too organic to be a machine. Its eyes glowed menacingly in the dark. I stood stock still hoping it wouldn't notice me. It walked forward until its whole body was in sight. It was… a horse. Gears patched a spot on its side. Underneath those gears, something was… glowing… like a heart. Was it a ghost? A demon sent from a god to come punish me? But the gears… It was definitely Heisenberg's. Was that his idea of a joke?

The horse turned its head towards me and stomped its hooves. All I could do was stare as it shook its mane. Suddenly, it charged straight for me. Even though my heart had long given up on life, my brain wouldn't let it end. I dove out of the way as the horse ran and jumped over the fire. I could see it so clearly now… it wasn't just a machine; it was a real horse. Just like me, it had been tampered with, "improved" to compensate for something it lost. But why? What use did Heisenberg have for a horse? And where did he get it?

Then I saw: the brown and white speckles on its fur. They were just like…

"…Daria?" I gaped at it in disbelief. I slowly stood to my feet and dared to take a step forward as the horse stared back. It leaned its head forward, ready to charge again.

"Daria, wait−!"

The yell didn't help. She still charged, narrowly missing me as I jumped out of the way again. This time, she turned sharply once she was a few meters away. She came back around even faster than before. I put my arms up as a shield, but they would be no use. There was no way that I would outmuscle her.

"Whoa!"

Daria skidded to a stop. She continued to eye me. She raised her front hooves, ready to stomp me instead of running me over.

"Cool the fuck down!" Heisenberg shouted as he rushed to stand between Daria and me. "She's not your food!"

Daria finally settled and turned back into the docile creature I recognized. She flapped her lips at Heisenberg. He sighed and patted her nose.

"At least you listen more than the other freaks."

I took one, two stumbling steps back. No… no, this couldn't be happening… Now this, this had to be a nightmare.

Heisenberg turned towards me. "Oh, c'mon, buttercup. Aren't ya happy to see her?" He grinned.

No… no, no, no, no, no…

"What… What have you done to her?" Tears were back in my eyes as I clenched my fists.

"Well…" He stepped to the side, holding his arms out like he was presenting a treasure he'd discovered in the mountains. "You're the one who wanted her back. …You're welcome by the way."

That prideful expression on his face… He didn't see how wrong it was, how horrible it was for me.

" 'You're welcome'?! Are you fucking serious?!" I exploded. "You turned her into a monster!"

His face dropped. After a moment, he took a deep breath. "Look, I'm trying to do you a favor. You could at least show a little gratitude."

"Gratitude?! For turning my horse into a machine that only follows your orders?! She's not a toy! She's… She's… How could you take her from me?!"

I knew Heisenberg was a scumbag, but for him to go that low… It was unforgivable. I wanted to claw his eyes out. I wanted to break every bone in his body. I wanted to burn him alive.

He just looked at me. Some realization must've sunk in because his tone became even.

"She doesn't only follow my orders. She listened to me before. Or did you already forget? She was probably just excited. See?"

If he thought he could curb my fury with words, he had−

Daria bumped me with her snout. I looked at her in shock. She licked my tear ridden cheeks and neighed. Her eyes were still glowing, but… I could see it now. They were gentle and kind, just like the Daria I remembered.

"Daria… You're… you're still there! It really is you!" I wrapped my arms around her neck. She continued to nudge me. "I'm so sorry, girl… I'm so, so sorry…"

The tears came back again, making Daria nudge me harder. After a minute, I let go and allowed her to lick my face again.

"Finally convinced?" Heisenberg asked.

"I… I don't understand. How did you… She was dead!"

Heisenberg just smirked. "Like I said; I've had some practice."

As ominous as that statement was, I wouldn't let it cloud my joy. Daria was back. Any sorrows I had before that moment felt kilometers away. I still couldn't make up for what I'd done, but I at least wouldn't be lonely anymore.

"Thank you… really," I said to Heisenberg.

He just smiled and tipped his hat. "Consider it your raise."

"But I haven't been getting paid at all."

"Then it's a raise, isn't it?"

A laugh escaped my throat. I covered my mouth with the back of my hand, hating myself for giving him satisfaction. But what the hell. He gave Daria back to me; that's all I could've asked for. As for his ominous statement… that could wait for another day.