Understanding

I was chomping at the bit to get back to work. I longed to weld something together again, to build something. Daria hitched from time to time which gave me a new project to put all my time in. Heisenberg took responsibility for fixing her, but I soon learned the tricks. If only I knew how to teach her, coach her through what I had been through. My experience would have served her well. But there was a silver lining to the situation; Heisenberg came out of his hole long enough for us to talk.

"You gonna run off on me again, buttercup?"

"No. I think I've had enough of your siblings."

"The first one wasn't enough?"

"I didn't think it could get worse than cannibalism." How did I get to the point where I started ranking atrocities?

Heisenberg laughed. "You don't know the half of it. But don't worry your pretty head about it. I'm the best of the bunch."

"…I wouldn't say that."

"Oh, really? Then what's your opinion, oh wise and all-knowing saddler?"

"Hm, that's tough. But Lady Dimitrescu did give me a nice room to live in, so…"

I smirked as I watched Heisenberg's blood boil. "Tch, you're walking a fine line, Lipa. You're lucky I like you."

My face flushed. That comment again... Like me? Who gave him the right to say things like that? Now it was his turn to grin. I should've known better than to think he would let me get away with jabbing at him.

It was so good to be back. The sweet memories from Donna's estate had dissolved into bitterness. I'm not sure why I didn't just burn the doll she gave me, but something about it continued to remind me of the happiness I once had and could maybe have again.

I asked Heisenberg what he did with Tată's rifle. He said he was keeping it hidden from me. I asked him why.

"Don't get me wrong; you're not a threat. Not to me, at least. I just don't wanna have to save poor Daria again."

"That's not funny."

"Easy. Why do you care? You want it back?"

"…No. I was just curious. You're actually doing me a favor. Could you do me another one?"

"Sure."

"Don't let me see it again."

"…What did she show you?"

"I'll tell you later. …Why did you save me even though you said you wouldn't?"

"I'll tell you later… maybe."

Smart ass.

For once, the mountains were still. Their watchful guard made me feel safe, protected from the cruelty of the outside. But their gaze was also stern. Clouds floated above their peaks and threatened to soil my mood if I got any more "bright" ideas. The landscape whispered, "We told you so". Yes, I know I messed up, I silently responded. I don't plan on doing it again. I'm…

Even in my head, I wasn't willing to call the factory the "h" word. No, my home was still with Mamă. But… maybe there was a way to bring her to me. Yes, if she was doing something for Heisenberg anyway, then why couldn't she stay in the factory?

I proposed my idea to Heisenberg. He took a puff from his cigar as he stared at a spot on the floor.

"Look, kid, I get it. You're scared she might get hurt out there on her own. Plus, she's your mom and you miss her. I… can't say I know the feeling, but I get it."

"Then why can't she? She's already working for you, right?"

"Yeah, but I don't feel like adding another mouth to feed."

"You're not feeding any mouth but your own. …Why're you lying?"

"I told you once already."

Right: Rule Number Five. "I know: 'there's some things in life you're better off not knowing'."

Finishing another smoke, he nodded. "Good girl."

Bastard.

I wanted to protest and tell him he was wrong, but he would just keep shooting me down. After all, I was the one losing 2-0. Heisenberg had been right to that point; I couldn't deny that. My decisions were destined to fail.

Despite having Daria back and getting to properly talk to Heisenberg more, the days weren't all happy. Sleeping proved difficult. Since my return, I was tormented with nightmares about Tată's death. I felt safer in my room than ever, but I couldn't stop reliving those moments. What if I had done something different? What if I had found a way to escape the house with Mamă without having to kill Tată? Maybe there would have been a way to save him. Even if he couldn't be cured, he would at least still be alive. But what kind of life would that have been? Those thoughts left me paralyzed. I would snap my eyes open in the night, only able to look around the room in a panic. Some nights, I screamed.

Even Heisenberg took notice. He caught me dozing off from time to time while doing a task. His first response was "go back to sleep, dumbass", but after the third time, he gave me a day off.

One night, the dreams were incredibly vivid. I was running from a lycan, desperately avoiding tree after tree. Eventually, I hit a clearing. I scanned the area and took a moment to catch my breath.

"Lipa."

I looked up and saw Tată's smiling face.

"It's OK, Lipa. I won't let anything hurt you."

He started to laugh. Slowly, the laughs turned to growls. He bared his fangs at me. I screamed as he pounced.

My eyes snapped open. My whole body was tingling. The air kept catching in my throat. A few agonizing moments later, I was able to move. I sat up and tried to slow my breathing. In… and out… In… and out… In–

" 'Nother bad dream?"

I yelped. Oh… just Heisenberg. I sighed.

"…You OK?" he asked.

"Y… Yeah… Sorry…" I wiped my face with my shirt. Was that sweat, or tears?

He groaned. "How long do you plan on doing this?"

"I'll… I'll be fine. Just… Just give me a minute." I rose from bed and wrapped a shawl around my shoulders. Heisenberg stepped aside as I walked to the door.

I didn't know what going outside would do, but it had to be better than trying to sleep again. If sleep meant continuing to relive that terrible day, then maybe I just wouldn't until my body forced me to. I walked out to the fire pit and gathered enough wood to ignite. Daria joined me once the blaze started to nuzzle me. The sound of her gears provided a rhythm for my breathing to sync with. She laid down next to me and shook her head as I sat. I put my hands out to the fire, focusing on its heat.

I just had to get out of my head. If I could just forget… Yeah, right. Who was I kidding? There was no escaping that hell. It was my punishment for what I'd done. Tată… I tortured Tată… Maybe I was a curse: a mistake. Those dark thoughts from my grief over Daria cackled at me again. I wrapped myself tighter in the shawl and buried my face in my knees.

"You're real stubborn, you know that?"

I turned to see Heisenberg walking towards me. "You're one to talk," I quipped.

He chuckled and sat next to me. Why did he have to follow me? The last thing I wanted was for him to see me cry. I hadn't started yet, but his knack for timing was impeccable. Yet his presence silenced the tormenting voices.

"You finally ready to talk about it?" he asked.

I'd run out of options. Did I really want to spill my trauma on him? No. But if he was willing to listen and I could get some peace of mind, then what the hell. Besides, I did promise to tell him.

And so, I explained everything Donna forced me to remember, starting when Tată got sick and ending with me threatening Miranda. My emotions flowed out of my body and into the words as I spoke, relieving the pressure on my heart. Heisenberg just watched me as I spoke. He seemed to inspect every articulation. Once I reached the end, he smirked.

"I would've loved to see the look on that bitch's face. Did you actually shoot her?"

"I… don't remember. Everything after that is… blank."

"Shame. But I underestimated you."

"Thanks," I smiled. It was refreshing to be praised for my defiance. "Your sister's pretty cruel, you know that?"

"Told you so."

I laughed. "Yeah… I guess I am pretty stubborn, aren't I?"

"Don't have to tell me."

"Thank you… for worrying about me."

"Ah, c'mon; don't get sappy on me, buttercup. Besides, who said I was worried?"

"You did when you came out here."

"…I just don't wanna lose my assistant."

As the fire crackled, I asked Heisenberg how he'd ended up becoming Miranda's child. I didn't want to pry, but it seemed like a fair trade for the story I told. Per usual, Heisenberg didn't pass up the chance to talk. No one could've prepared me for the rant I unleashed. I realized just how little I really knew about him. I hung on every word as I watched the fire burn in his sunglasses. The vitriol in his voice when he described Miranda was beyond what I expected. His siblings, too. I could get an idea from what little I'd seen, but…

"I… underestimated you." I said once he was done.

"How's that?" He seemed amused.

"I thought… Well, I think most people in the village think… that the Lords just follow Miranda's every word. I never imagined that you… You really hate her, huh?"

"Can't stand that bitch. I keep up appearances to keep the waters calm."

"…Huh. Is that why you've kept me around?"

"Well, it's helped your cause. If you'd told me in the first year that you liked her, I would've ripped your fucking head off."

"…Fair enough."

We sat in silence for a minute. Daria let out a deep breath through her nose as her ears twitched. Heisenberg kept staring at the flames.

"…Listen, kid. Don't get wrapped up in the 'what ifs'. Sure, you could've not killed your old man, and then you and your mama would've died a gruesome death. It doesn't matter now. You could choose to mope about it forever or do something with it. You killed your father. So, what're you gonna do about it?"

What would I do about it? What was there to do? Like he explained, it was all said and done. But… my anger, my grief still lingered. The need to protect Mamă, my wish, stemmed from that memory, those emotions. Which meant there was only one thing I could do.

"…I'm going to get out of the village. With my mother."

Heisenberg stared at me for a moment. "And what would you do once you got out there?"

"I… don't know. All I know is that I'll never come back. I wanna go somewhere where I won't be seen as a curse or be forced to believe in something. Maybe I'll even help other people escape situations like mine."

Heisenberg smirked. "That's better."

Daria went over to nudge Heisenberg. He gave her some pats as she settled next to him. Everything felt… lighter. Now, I had more than a wish; I had a goal. Yes, I would escape that village if it was the last thing I did.

Eventually, I dozed off. I didn't even remember being tired. When I woke up, I was in my bed and covered in blankets. I rubbed my eyes open to see the sunlight streaming into the room. I got up and changed before finding Heisenberg tinkering with a motor. He grinned.

"Afternoon, buttercup. Now, make yourself useful and hand me some paper."