We write FANFICTION. =)

flightless wren

Some concrit:

"Draco comfortably sat on top of a desk up front." Draco sat comfortably on SNAPE'S desk? Unlikely, even for a favored student. This can be easily corrected, though, by simply having Snape give Draco a Look and Draco hopping off. That's still in character.

"Draco gaped at him. ((Wow. He’s direct, isn’t he?))"

No duh. Eliminate the parenthetical thoughts.

"Draco’s mouth fell open, he slipped off the desk he was sitting on, and fell hard on the cold dungeon floor. ((OWW!))" Unnecessary thought, especially considering you next sentence: "Draco’s face screwed up in pain." You don't have to tell readers every single thing. Unimportant thoughts can be left out.

It's pretty unrealistic to have Ginny tutoring Draco, don't you think? She's a year younger than him, and besides, Draco seems to be pretty good at Potions anyway. On top of that, even if he wasn't good, this would be his sixth year, correct? Which would mean that he would be in the Advanced class, and if he were doing so poorly, would simply be thrown out. I am willing to accept Snape's favoritism on that singular point, though.

“Hi Draco,” drawled Pansy Parkinson, the biggest slut in school. “There’s a party in the dungeons tonight, care to escort me?”

NOWHERE does it hint that Pansy is a slut. Nowhere. And even if she was, where, exactly, would she and her chosen playmate be getting it on? In the dormitory-style bedrooms? In the classrooms, where the teachers are grading papers? In the closets, where Filch stores his oft-used cleaning supplies? Plus, the ghosts are EVERYWHERE and even if they didn't report the dirty-deed-doers, it'd put them out of that old romantic feeling pretty quickly. But I digress. The point is, you shouldn't make assumptions about Pansy. I don't think it's any more likely that she is a slut than, say, Hermione. And since this IS fanfiction, you can make her that way, but there must be reason.

And if Draco needed tutoring, it wouldn't be done in his room. Or even in the Slytherin common room. Nor would it be done in Gryffindor common room. Or in Ginny's room. It would be done, if anywhere, in the Library or perhaps the Great Hall.

Finally, if Snape had asked her to tutor Malfoy, wouldn't she then assume that he needed help in Potions? And that's assuming Snape didn't tell her.

And overall, I have to say that your writing style is very immature; by that I mean it feels like a young adult romance novel. I do think that you can improve over time, however. You seem to have Draco and Ginny's respective characters very well in hand, though, congratulations on that. Keep practicing, and keep rereading the books to understand them even better.

Good luck.

RESPONSE:

Paragraph 1: Oh yes, it is pretty out of character to have Draco sitting on top of SNAPE’S desk. That’s why we didn’t put Draco on SNAPE’S desk. "Draco comfortably sat on top of A desk up front."… A desk up front. Open for any one of the front row desks. Yes.

Next: “No duh. Eliminate the parenthetical thoughts.” How about… No. We thought it was humorous and sorry if you didn’t.

Error 3: “"Draco’s mouth fell open, he slipped off the desk he was sitting on, and fell hard on the cold dungeon floor. ((OWW!))" Unnecessary thought, especially considering you next sentence: "Draco’s face screwed up in pain." You don't have to tell readers every single thing. Unimportant thoughts can be left out.” Okay, well we can agree with you there! Good job you got ONE thing right!

Next: “It's pretty unrealistic to have Ginny tutoring Draco, don't you think? She's a year younger than him, and besides, Draco seems to be pretty good at Potions anyway. On top of that, even if he wasn't good, this would be his sixth year, correct? Which would mean that he would be in the Advanced class, and if he were doing so poorly, would simply be thrown out. I am willing to accept Snape's favoritism on that singular point, though.” Okay. This is a fanfic. It’s not supposed to be realistic! But, no Draco is not in his sixth year, he’s actually in his SEVENTH. And also, why would they throw him out? If you’re doing poorly, you should have a chance to bring up your grade, not just like BAM! You’re outa here! And besides, maybe Draco needs the potions class…MAYBE he’s gonna major in potions. So, yeah. If he doesn’t pass potions, he will get held back because he NEEDS potions. Or maybe he didn’t get enough potions credits to pass. You NEVER know. And P.S. It never said that Draco was a whiz-kid in potions.

Error 5: “NOWHERE does it hint that Pansy is a slut. Nowhere.” OKAY HELLO? Is this the first fanfic you have ever read? It never said she WASN’T a slut. Besides, this will be her seventh year, so she would have changed since fifth year. “And even if she was, where, exactly, would she and her chosen playmate be getting it on?” Uh, yeah. Empty classrooms? Behind the bushes? Some people have their own rooms? And why NOT in a broom closet? If they were that horny, do you think that they would CARE that much? “And since this IS fanfiction, you can make her that way, but there must be reason.” She’s part of the plot. We NEED her... that is our reason.

Error 6: “And if Draco needed tutoring, it wouldn't be done in his room. Or even in the Slytherin common room. Nor would it be done in Gryffindor common room. Or in Ginny's room. It would be done, if anywhere, in the Library or perhaps the Great Hall.” Okie doke. Why would you have tutoring in a place where you ate lunch? You might as well have it in the kitchens with the house-elves. But then, free snacks, eh? Besides, we WANT to have it in Draco’s room, that’s why we did. Why? Privacy, hello? Why do they need privacy? Because they don’t want people to know they are seeing each other. Snape also, it was making him look bad. And it’s important to the plot.

Error 7: “Finally, if Snape had asked her to tutor Malfoy, wouldn't she then assume that he needed help in Potions? And that's assuming Snape didn't tell her.” Uh, just because he’s the Potions Master? Is that why? Well, he’s also Draco’s head of house. So, yeah. He can come to Ginny with problems in ANY of his classes, as in Snape is like, Draco’s counselor. And besides, didn’t you say we shouldn’t assume? Well, why should Ginny?

Number Eight: “Keep practicing, and keep rereading the books to understand them even better.” Yeah, you’re totally right. We don’t understand the books at all. Actually, yeah we do.

Okay, well down to the point of it all… We’re not trying to write the long-lost Book Eight. It’s just a fanfiction. And most of our readers seem to like it. But, no… Thank you for your review and thank you for your “constructive criticism.” Keep reading!

Love,

Dolly&Llama

P.S. Not overreacting, by the way. Not at all. It’s just that, you pointed out things wrong with our story, so we explained it. Thanks!