Daniel sat up in bed, yet again, his heart racing, tears streaking down his face. Why his mind insisted on making him watch it over and over again, so many years after it had happened he would never know, but there it was again, larger than life. The vision of her lying there, looking at him, whispering I love you right as she left this existence was still playing in his head, stuck on repeat.
And then the face changed, changed to another face, one he saw everyday, one that he now knew he could not live without.
He hated being so emotional but he just couldn't help it; it was one of the worst memories in his life and the second time he had watched someone that he loved die, while he bore witness, simply helpless and now that horror his head made him play over and over had decided that wasn't enough torture, that he needed to imagine even more. His heart ached, his whole body ached, and he stood from his hard on-base bed, not bothering to slip on boots or change clothes, heading for his door.
The corridors were dim this late at night, but it didn't matter, no one would question his past midnight trek through the halls, regardless of his emotional state. Sure, someone might call Sam and report that Dr. Jackson appeared to be upset and wandering, but he didn't care about that right now as he trembled, wiping his face, willing the nightmare away.
His destination lay dead ahead, the keypad blinking, and he didn't need to think about what he was typing in before he put digits to buttons, this code was now nearly as automatic as his own. The light flashed green and he pushed the door open, escaping one possible embarrassment as he realized he was inserting himself into another.
"Ad?" he asked, no turning back now, deciding then and there that if she was asleep that he would just sit at her desk until he could get himself better under control.
"Indy," she was groggy but answered, which meant that she hadn't fallen asleep yet, otherwise she wouldn't have even rolled over, much less spoken to him, "everything ok?"
And then he lost it.
No, he wanted to say, it's not ok, nothing's ok, my life is a mess and I'm alone, friends or not I'm alone, but not a single word crossed his lips as the tears cascaded down his face.
"Daniel, oh my gawd," and he saw her crawl to her knees, starting to exit her bed, her arms extended. He didn't let her leave, racing toward them, his comfort zone, he had let her become his comfort zone, this strange woman that had just appeared in his life. He felt her arms close around him, pulling him onto the bed, holding him to her, her cheek to the top of his head.
"Wha 'appened?" she asked carefully. She didn't judge, she didn't mock, just held him, her tone caring though accented heavily by the lateness of the hour. He couldn't answer her then either, another horrible idea crossing his mind, that this friend, this confidant that he had come to rely on would be ripped away; the faces of all of the loved ones in his memories being replaced with that of his best friend, the person he loved more than he had ever loved someone before, who, at this moment, was running her fingers gently through his hair.
"It's alright shug," she whispered, her voice soothing, "it's alright…"
He sobbed harder, her face now the one in his memories, Adrienne lying there, dying, blinking out of existence.
"It's ok Daniel. Ya donna 'ave ta tell me, but ya can if ya need," she added, kissing his temple softly and holding him closer.
How do you tell someone that despite the wonders that you've seen in your life, that there's a limit to how much loss that you can take? He could tell her, he could tell her everything right now and she would listen, listen like no one else had and that's why he was here now, with Adrienne, letting tears and emotion flow that he would only let her see.
He sniffed in, beginning to pull away as his heart raced, wanting to tell her that was why sadness compelled him here, in the middle of the night, in his pajamas and no shoes, automatically crawling into the safety of her embrace without hesitation, because he loved her, and she had become his safe place.
But what was everyone gonna think?
He started to stand, her grasp tight on his wrist.
"No, you're gonna stay righ 'ere," and she was reaching out for him pulling him to her, beside her in the bed, holding him close to her chest, another quick kiss at his head, "Go to sleep shug. I'm righ 'ere, k?"
Sniffing in, he pulled from her embrace just enough to lay his head on the pillow, the back of his skull resting on her shoulder and he could tell that she had adjusted herself just to hold him. He started to protest and apologize, to explain to her why he was here, but the tears started again, why this time he wasn't sure, but he just didn't seem to be able to control them.
"It's ok," she whispered in his ear, "let it out. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not gonna tell a soul."
He nodded so she would at least know that he heard, instinctively cuddling back into her.
"You're safe," she added just in case that was a concern as she still didn't know the cause of any of this, "it's just you and me ok, no one else is 'ere."
Just you and me…
I love you Adrienne…
Closing his eyes, he focused on where he was, right now, she was all that mattered, letting himself drift off to sleep.
"Good night shug…" was the last thing he heard.
He was hot, it was hot in here, Daniel trying to kick away the blanket when he realized the source of the heat was not a blanket at all, but his assistant, asleep nearly lying on top of him. It took a moment for him to remember but when he did, his stomach sank, the archaeologist embarrassed and ashamed.
He'd had the nightmare again and instead of dealing with it like an adult, he had run to Adrienne.
Adrienne, who was laying on him, her gorgeous brown hair slightly messy, cascading down her neck and back barely touching her fit, cut shoulders, bare as she was wearing a tank top to sleep. She was beautiful and he lay for a moment in his guilt, guilt for allowing himself to lay here, holding her, watching her as she slept.
"Hey," he heard a whisper and pressure leave his chest, startling him. She evidently was awake, and not moving any more, still on him, holding him.
"It's early still," she continued, "round five. Go back ta sleep shug. I'm nah going anywhere."
He lay there for a moment debating.
This was wrong, this was so wrong, why did he come here?
Because you love her…
Tell her you love her...
"I can't," he answered a person that wasn't there, "Adrienne, I'm sorry, I -" he stammered as he sat, pulling away, his assistant confused.
"Daniel, you're not ok. You were in pieces, hell, ya don't look much betta now," she argued, reaching for his hand, "it's alrigh shug, I'm not gonna go racing outta here telling anyone anything. Just come lay back down and we can really talk over breakfast when you're calmer."
He froze because he knew she wasn't trying to get him to stay, at least for any reason other than genuine concern but he couldn't stay here, it was too much to handle.
Adrienne, I can't handle the mere thought of losing you…
Tell her how you feel...
No, I can't tell her; it's not safe to be with me…
She may not even WANT to be with you, you idiot.
Closing the debate in his head, he stood, rubbing his eyes, his cheeks still sticky from the tears only shed hours before.
"I'm fine, gonna go take a shower and head down to the lab early," he explained as if this was all normal, "sorry to intrude."
And he dashed out of her quarters as quickly as he came last night, her door closing abruptly behind him.
"Daniel, what is going on with you?" Adrienne asked out loud, sighing, lying back onto her pillow but unable to sleep, too worried about her best friend.
Daniel walked down the hall, rubbing his face trying to push aside the nightmares that were still haunting him.
"I can't do that anymore," he muttered to himself, "I can't just go busting into her room, it's not appropriate. It wasn't appropriate in the first place and it's really not appropriate now…"
He picked up his pace.
"I should just go get coffee right now," he continued to talk to himself, rambling, "coffee. That'll make it up to her, get her a coffee and one of those stupid organic hippie granola bars she eats and apologize, explain that I am so sorry and I don't expect her to be on call 24/7 for any emotional breakdowns that might occur at all hours and I didn't just want her to hold me, well I did but not intentionally, well not in any way that I would ever take advantage of, never, I love her, but, but she's...no…" he paused his heart racing, "I can't do anything or say anything because then, I'm just a...and if she thinks, I mean, she acts like it isn't a big deal, but I can't let her think that this is all totally innocent anymore because I love her, I want to be in love with her…"
"GAH STOP!" he yelled out in the middle of the floor, everyone else in the hallway stopping to stare at him.
"Dr. Jackson?" one of the cadets asked, turning his head to look at the flustered archaeologist, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," he replied, shaking his head and pinching his nose under his glasses, "I'm, I'm fine. I'm just, I'm fine!" he yelled out for anyone else still staring, looking one more time at the cadet, "I'm fine."
Taking a breath, he trudged down to his lab, his thoughts a total mess.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have.
It was late, how late I can't be sure, but late enough where I was barely coherent heading to bed. It was one of those nights that my owning an apartment off base doesn't even seem to be worth it, so I shut down what I was doing and just headed back to my quarters. But I couldn't sleep, I really can't much anymore but I feel better when I'm not alone. So I went to Adrienne's room, and I went there to sleep...with her.
It was the nightmares again, I saw Shar'e die, and it's always so much worse when I relive it, not just the reliving of the experience but my mind concocts a variety of horrific alternates. Sometimes it's my hand on the "trigger" so to speak, and I watch myself put an end to her existence. Other times it's much more graphic, blood, gore, and other times still it's not Shar'e.
It's Adrienne.
Maybe that's why I went there.
She's a very sound sleeper, a very very sound sleeper, and she doesn't seem to mind, in fact, she acts like I'm supposed to be there. I always feel the need to explain myself, explain her and I, but there's nothing amiss going on. She will kiss my cheek goodnight before turning her back to me, but once she's asleep, she rolls over and curls herself into me, wrapping her arm around my waist. She does it every single time, without fail, and I let it happen. It's innocent, I know it is, but given my revelation last week I'm worried that it's why I go down there because I want it to happen. I want to be held, I want her to hold me and I want her close because when she is, then I can really sleep, no nightmares, of her or anyone else. Adrienne makes me feel accepted for the first time in a long time, and while she may tease me, it's never hurtful or mean and she doesn't want anything from me but my friendship. But now, I'm scared, because I want something more.
Is it wrong?
Am I taking advantage of her?
What if she knows what she's doing and one night whispers in my ear that she loves me?
Do I answer?
Am I driving myself insane over something that can never be?
I can't think rationally when it comes to Adrienne anymore; if I think that she's in trouble, I panic, I fall apart, I just CAN'T THINK RATIONALLY.
I've never met anyone like her before.
I'd better put this away. It's after nine, but not by much, so she'll be here soon with a cup of coffee for the both of us and a classic Adrienne excuse. And I'll try to not laugh at her, but I will, and I'll try to not sit here and daydream and wish that we were back in her room with her asleep lying so close to me.
I'll just sit here and try to act like I have a clue as to what is going on with me.
He closed the journal, noting that it was exactly 9:07 a.m. He'd left her room sometime after five he had determined, heading straight for the shower where he had stood in the hot stream until the water burned his skin, dulling his senses. He hadn't even tried going back to sleep, coming straight to work only to sit at his desk and stare at the screen until he just pulled out pen and journal, jotting down his thoughts, reflecting on what had happened. He was embarrassed himself to put down the details of waking up in tears and racing to her room to cry himself to sleep in her arms…
"I brought you a bottled water since I know you've probably had at least a pot of coffee this morning, if not working on your second," her voice broke his thoughts again as a plastic container was thrust in his direction. He forced a smile, peering up to see Adrienne dragging over a chair, sipping her own coffee from one of her silly 1980s cartoon mugs.
"Well?" she asked as he twisted off the top, having yet to say a word.
"Well what?"
Adrienne frowned, "I shut off the cameras and shut the door when I came in," she paused so he could look and indeed she had, "Are you ok?"
"Yeah," he lied, trying to turn away so she couldn't read his face, "I'm fine. You working on those palace layouts today?"
Staying right where she was rather than dash off to work, the Cajun eyed him up and down, not buying his quick change to their to-do list but accepting that he didn't want to be pushed into talking.
"Yeah, and I'll match them to dynasties once I am finished," she added, not standing just yet, Daniel knowing he had to say something or she'd worry herself, something she had probably been doing for hours.
Tell her, she won't judge, she'll understand.
Maybe she loves you too…
"Ok, back to it," she declared before his imagination could go into overdrive, "Oh, and I went through that stuff from Rodney before I came down, and you're right, he's insane and wants our shield to be less of a find than his little toy from Atlantis."
Focus, he told himself, she's back into work mode and you need to do the same.
"Figured as much," he said, sipping his coffee, "then how about I take this down and deal with his bull and you can keep with the layouts?"
"Sounds like a plan," she agreed, handing over the folder, "have fun with our good buddy,"
"Loads," Daniel said with a laugh, taking it and beginning to stand, before pausing, "Thank you for caring," he added quietly, deciding that was best, to acknowledge her neverending thoughtfulness, "and thank you for never questioning. It means a lot," he added, reaching out for her leg.
That got her to smile.
She stood, still somewhat hunched over, reaching for the back of his neck and pulling him to her, kissing his forehead.
"What do you always say to me?" she teased, "I'm right over there, literally. Just holler if ya need me."
He nodded and pulled away, slipping the journal that was sitting on his desk quietly into his pack, hoping that she hadn't seen.
Without further word, Adrienne walked to the corner of the room, flicking on the cameras and opening the door, as if they hadn't been altered in any way, setting up for the day at her desk. Daniel, on the other hand, headed out of the lab, forcing himself to think about anything but Adrienne.
Daniel decided about 10 o'clock that he wasn't going to be able to get through the workday as if nothing had happened.
Rodney, shockingly, had taken the translation in stride, presumably because by the time Daniel arrived the scientist was already lauding himself for a phase one prototype of the Asgard personal shield. Daniel was certain, despite the fact it had been a find entirely to credit to his assistant, that Rodney would make himself the expert on the shield and recipient of all the accolades to come.
Annoyed, the archaeologist returned back to his lab, the assistant in question happily working away.
And then the flashbacks started, coupled with classic Daniel over analysis.
Adrienne would cough, dance in her seat, drop a pencil, stand up to get a file and each and every time he flashed back to this morning, her face when he rushed into her room, the way she looked at him, how she held him, kissing his head and smoothing his hair. She was so beautiful, especially when she was in caretaker mode. Why didn't she think she was beautiful? He just wanted to tell her but, of course, given the circumstances, given everything, he would sound like a complete and total creep.
Ergo, Daniel Jackson, for once, decided to keep his mouth shut.
It had taken weeks to get through everything from Moserah, especially with the Senate Committee interruption from a little over a week ago, the one where his entire world had been turned upside down.
The one where he realized that this woman Sam had brought into his life, this complete and total stranger from, of all places, New Orleans, the best friend that he had never had, was the love of his life.
He hadn't slept much since this realization. He was torn, hearing his friends' voices in his head, all of them seeming to have figured out long before he did what was going on, and everyone seeming to think that it was ok, but Daniel knew better.
Adrienne Rowan was off limits, if not for any other reason than she deserved better than to be the latest casualty in the disaster that was his life.
This late morning, however, he was starting to doubt every stitch of good sense he had.
"Shug, got that report done on the Hebrew colony, finally, with Carolyn's initial findings. Gonna run a paper copy up to Sam in case one of the dinosaurs can't pull up a file…"
Snapping out of his thoughts, and his apparent inability to get anything accomplished, Daniel peered over, noting his assistant was wearing a tank top today, the black cotton hugging every curve, the archaeologist unable, again, to form coherent thought.
"Or not…" she trailed, walking over to him, Daniel clearing his throat and shaking his head.
"No, sorry, was caught up on an image but it was nothing," he lied, waving her away, "Good plan, have it in as many places as possible, just to be safe."
"Great, I'll run by her office, take this, swing by and see if Vala's got the Lucian ok on this next planet code so we can give it a green light and then wanna get lunch?"
He smiled, of course he did, maybe alone, in a restaurant, a Spanish place, there was a Tapas bar a few blocks over...
"They have veggie burgers in the cafeteria this week, I wanna try them."
Or not…
"Yeah, message me when you're done and I'll meet you down there," he answered, his assistant waving before dashing off to do what she did best, make his life easier.
Or did she?
"I've got to tell her; she at least has the right to know what's going on…"
But he sat there, staring at the screen, his mind a swirl of images, this morning, the other week when she came running up the hill after he had feared the worst, every time they were there for one another with no motive and asking nothing in return.
"Let's be logical about this," he muttered, casting his work aside and grabbing a legal pad, "let's examine this rationally."
Frowning as he scribbled, he drew a line down the center, a cross bar at the top, making a simple T chart, the left side labeled "Pro", the right "Con."
"Pro," he spoke aloud as he wrote, she would be with Sam chatting for a while, "I find her very attractive and she finds me attractive. She's told me, on more than one occasion."
That made him smile, because she did, more times than he had noticed until he was sitting here, often commenting the most about his eyes…
Maybe she did feel the same way about him…
His computer screen went black, Daniel peering over at it, seeing his reflection, and the lines at those very blue eyes.
"Con," he sighed out, "I'm fifteen years older than she is…" he frowned, counting again to double check. Adrienne was born in 1980, and he was born in 1965.
Yep, fifteen years; definitely a con.
"But…" he put pen to paper... "Pro, we get along very well, creepily so. Jack calls us the Bobbsey twins," he happily sketched down thinking of himself that getting along and being as close to one another as they were was a great indicator of a possible successful relationship.
And then he sighed, moving his pen to the con side of the column.
"She's exactly like me," he started to scratch it out because it was something else that Jack had pointed out, that what kind of narcissist would fall in love with someone that much like himself. Daniel was about to move on, frowning when he stopped again.
"No, she really isn't. For one, she's Southern and has that prim and proper streak that she likes to try to hide…"
He started to scratch that con off of the list, because their likenesses and differences really had to do with their upbringing more than anything else. Adrienne couldn't help being born in the South anymore than Daniel can help being born in the North. That and maybe being alike wasn't necessarily a con, but instead just a clear indicator that….
"Stop," he said aloud, again as he had in the hall, "you're making this list to determine whether or not you're going to make a complete and total ass of yourself, so you need to focus, no more rambling justifications."
Taking a breath, Daniel continued.
"Pro, Adrienne is a professional. She understands where I'm coming from and she would understand working late, working overnights and missing stupid things like birthdays and anniversaries that I was never good at because if anything Adrienne is just as bad as I am about being a workaholic, I mean she…"
Daniel stopped, reaching his pen over to the other side of the paper as he shook his head.
"Con," he wrote, "Adrienne remembers everything. Every birthday, every holiday, every anniversary with CAKE. You will look like a jackass."
He let his head hit the table.
"Okay no, you know what, this is fine," he said aloud, "That's what this is about."
"Pro," he started to write, "you'll get to see her every day." He would, he thought, because she worked across the room as his assistant...his subordinate…
Daniel rolled his eyes.
"Con," he started back on the other side, "she's your subordinate and a team member. We already know from experience that doesn't work out."
"But it might," he added, "of anyone Adrienne could probably handle a work romance provided Woolsey doesn't ship her to Area 51."
He paused, sighing out.
"Pro," he went to the other side again, "she's one of the most intelligent people that I've ever met," he wrote down but stopped mid scrawl, scratching his pen in anger all over the list, balling it up and throwing in the direction the trash can, missing.
"This is insane," he spat out, slamming his hands to his desk, "I don't even understand why I'm allowing myself to entertain an US! I don't even know if she feels the same way!"
Yet he knew why, deep inside, she just was so different to him now. Before she had always been someone he could rely on and sure they were tactile and got teased for it, but he didn't really understand what it was until now. He had thought for so long that she was just a friend, though he had noticed her walk, her voice, her eyes, he had known that she was special but now?
Now she meant everything to him.
Daniel sat back in his chair, closing his eyes, imagining her shoulders as he'd seen them this morning, her hair draped across her cheeks, wanting to do nothing but bring her face to his and kiss her softly and hold her in his arms.
He looked up, hoping she hadn't re-entered the lab as he allowed himself just a few seconds to slip into that fantasy.
She let him pull her into his arms, his lips pressed against hers, kissing softly, his fingers gliding their way down her curvy waist. He felt her reach behind his head, bringing him into a deeper kiss before pulling away and whispering, "I love you Daniel.."
"I've gotta get a grip," he shook his head, willing the images away, his eyes darting back at the pro and con list sitting beside the wastebasket, right next to the grocery bag of things she had brought him, things he had run out of in the office that she had procured without being asked, including a box of Powerbars with a cute note.
"Pro," he added just one more thing out loud, "she looks out for me like no one else has before," he said with a sigh, standing to dispose of the list properly.
Tossing the ball of paper into the wastebasket angrily, Daniel turned around to go back to the computer and pick up with his task for the day, trying not to let himself slip into deep depression.
His overanalysis continued into the afternoon when a message popped up on his computer screen from Adrienne stating that she was heading down to the cafeteria and did he want her to get his food for him.
"Why she volunteering to get my lunch?" he muttered, cursing himself immediately for being so stupid. They did things like that, friends did things like that and a look at his watch telling him it was 12:15 and he knew that if she got her lunch and then he stood in line they would never get to sit and eat together.
Which sent him into a further panic; she wanted to eat together.
"You have really got to get a hold on yourself," he grumbled, typing a reply that he would be right there, "just because you've lost your mind doesn't mean that she has."
He shut the lid to his laptop, reaching for his jacket on the back of the chair when he paused, peering down at himself.
"This looks better, without the jacket," he declared, rushing off to the cafeteria.
"Indy over here!" she was shouting and waving, Daniel making a beeline for the far left corner. As promised, there was a tray of food there, a compromise he noticed between his typical fare of a hamburger, cheeseburger, slice of pizza or something else she deemed unhealthy and what she thought was food, which was usually green or orange and crispy and had no fat.
It looked like he had a sandwich with carrot sticks on the menu for today.
Carrots…
He just wasn't going to fight anymore.
Waving back with recognition, Daniel rushed over to the table, taking the seat across from her where his food was sitting.
"Ya get through those images?" she asked, Daniel reaching for his sandwich to take a bite.
"Yeah, I did. nothing too impressive. I think we're gonna go ahead and send out some other team so we can keep working on the database," he replied, noting that Adrienne was not eating just yet, whatever it was that she was planning on eating, but it was green, so it had to be healthy.
"Cool, well I left the papers with Sam. She was on the phone again and it doesn't seem like they care un petite 'bout the Hebrew colony because you can't sell vaccine for a virus that only affects horses here on Earth…"
"One would think that there's a lot of money to be made selling something like that, horse racing is a rather lucrative industry," Daniel answered as he swallowed, his assistant shrugging.
"As if anything the government does makes any sense."
Nodding in agreement Daniel just sipped his Coke.
"So we're hoppin' back on the database when we get down to the lab?" she asked, leaning over as the cafeteria light caught her eyes, making them sparkle.
Adrienne, I love you so much and I just want to be with you…
Why did this have to happen?! he thought, not answering her, why did I have to fall in love with her?!
"Shug, you okay?" she asked, her eyes concerned, her beautiful eyes that had trapped him before anything else had.
No, I'm not. Why can't I just tell you that I love you?
"Yeah," he was able to form words, finally, a lie once more, "Headache or something, East Coast temperature roller coaster, you know how it goes, I've got some ibuprofen in my desk."
Adrienne frowned.
"Daniel if you poppin' those Advil like ya do, cooyon I told ya it's not to work anymore! Your body's gonna build up an immunity!"
"No, no," he shook his head, although lying about having a headache was much better than saying 'I'm sorry Ad, I was lost in your eyes', "Just refocusing. We've had mission, meeting, mission, meeting just like normal and put the database on the back burner and now I just gotta focus back on the database."
"Don't forget these MALP videos we got after I left, I forwarded you that new stuff while I waited to see Sam," she added, that realization garnering a genuine sigh as he did indeed get that email, as he was daydreaming about her, yet again.
Daniel rubbed his face, "I forgot about those…"
"Indy," a gentle pale hand reached his cheek, "Did you get any real sleep last night? Do you wanna talk about it? Something's wrong..."
He allowed her hand to remain, savoring the touch, the warmth of her love, even if it wasn't the same as his own.
"I'm just a little stressed, that's all," he muttered the first truth he had said to her all day, neglecting only to mention that she, or at least his feelings for her, were a large part of that stress.
"Is there anything I can do?" Adrienne piped up, reliable as always.
Reach over here and kiss me before I lean over there and kiss you, his mind thought but no words came out, not even more intelligent words that would direct her to some sort of task when they got back to work, which is what they were supposed to do, which is what two people in a laboratory did, they worked and they didn't think about kissing one another...
"I'm gonna call Carolyn," Adrienne warned, "You tell me all the time that if I'm trying to work through illness and I don't go take care of myself that you're gonna tattle to the doctor on me. I think it works both ways."
"I'm fine Ad," he mumbled, reaching for her hand, allowing himself that indulgence, "Just been a long week, couple of weeks honestly."
"I know you Indy," she fussed, both of her hands reaching for his, "something's wrong. And it's not just another nightmare."
You're exactly right Ad and I can't do a damn thing about it.
"I'll go through the video shug," she whispered, squeezing his hands, "why don't you head back to bed? I'll come check on you in a bit."
I'm not tired, he wanted to scream, but come back with me. We'll watch a movie, I'll even sit through those terrible slasher films you love so much, and I want you to hold me like you do, just not for the same reasons as before.
"You've barely eaten," she noted.
Daniel sighed.
"We have been going too hard haven't we?"
Liar...
"That's an understatement…"
"I haven't been sleeping that well."
But not for the reasons you think Ad…
"I can tell," she answered, her thumb running gently across his cheek, just at the bottom rim of his glasses, "head back to your quarters."
Daniel, however, didn't move.
"You going?"
"I'm not a child Ad," he responded, picking at his lunch.
"I'm not sayin' that you are Daniel," she whispered so sweetly, his name, not one of her silly nicknames and he wanted to hear her say it again, in his ear, holding her in his arms…
"What I'm saying is that other than Sam, we are the two always killing ourselves around here and we haven't had a break in a while. I'm feelin' it in my runs, my diet and even you said I was tossin' and turnin' in my sleep on the Moserah mission," Adrienne added.
She was right about that too; typically she slept like a log, and when they were in a one tent type of situation like Vala had left them, Adrienne attached to him. Instead, she had rolled around most of the night, Daniel remembering wrapping his arms around her at one point when it appeared as if she was having a bad dream. Then, he had thought it was so innocent, holding her in his arms, and now he longed for it even more.
"I'm not gonna pay for it later?" he tried to tease, his assistant grinning.
"Nope, not as long as you drag my tchew to bed when I need it…"
How about now? We can kiss and cuddle...
STOP IT DANIEL!
"Ok, fair, I'll go relax, read, and we can start fresh in the morning," he agreed standing, needing to get away, from this situation and from the chance that he would let his emotions erupt.
Adrienne, I love you, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met. I want to do nothing more than take you away from here, from all of this, hide away with you, not let them take you away, let anyone take you away, not let you get…
"Carrots?" she asked, Daniel peering up, trying to contain the terror building up inside of him, those nightmares returning during daylight hours, Adrienne dying in his arms…
"Can't blame me for trying," he joked, popping one into his mouth.
"I'll call ya," she offered, taking the leftover veggies from his tray, "if you're up to it we can get some dinner. In the meantime, I'll get to those new MALP videos and rewrite the database schedule, get us back on track without killing either of us."
Daniel smiled; this is why he was in love with her. She was so perfect...for him.
"Thanks Ad," he said with a nod, pushing away a flurry of thoughts, heading to his quarters.
I wonder if she noticed the lack of jacket, he couldn't help but ponder as he pushed through the cafeteria door, it's the tighter t-shirt too, I wonder if she noticed.
He was acting weird.
Adrienne felt terrible. It wasn't like he hadn't come to her room before, upset, after a nightmare, and last night was no different. But now he was acting weird, and not his normal weird, but weirder, if that was even possible.
Her phone was in her pocket and she reached down wondering if she should call Daniel and try to talk to him before he went to sleep. She shouldn't have sent him away, he wasn't tired or had a headache. He was lying to her, and she knew it, and she needed him to come back to the lab and talk. He needed to get something off his chest and maybe if they sat down and talked about what was happening.
The gadget buzzed in her pocket, Adrienne's heart leaping from her chest. Sighing, hoping that her best friend was alright, Adrienne slipped pale fingers into the pocket of her BDUs, clasping her iPhone to read the message.
It was from Ronon.
Free tonight?
She smiled, but that smile instantly changed to nerves as Adrienne hoped this message was not why Daniel was upset. Maybe he heard from the Artlantis crew or something that Ronon was going to ask her out in which case he should have told her because Daniel, of all people, knew why Adrienne was not interested in dating anyone, ever...
Maybe. Indy's not feeling well, so I might need to pick up the slack.
She awaited his response, nibbling some spinach at the cafeteria table, wondering why Ronon was would she say if he asked her out? No thanks Dex, but my baggage has got baggage, so, really, I just prefer hanging out with the first real friends I have ever had and not worrying about dating, no matter what anyone has said to you, no matter what Indy might have said to you, because for some damn reason he thinks I need to be happy and that includes you, but he knows better, or does he, because he's not doing so damn well lately, was he asleep, maybe she should go down there, he might be upset again or need her…
"Why am I thinking about him again!?" Adrienne spat out, a few SG members at the table across the way staring at her. She felt blood rush her cheeks, the Cajun grabbing her phone, pretending to be annoyed with something on it instead.
It buzzed just in time.
Let us know. T and Ishta wanna train late.
"See cooyon," Adrienne muttered, "if he does ask me it's just because Sheppard put him up to it."
Sighing, she flicked the screen, trying not to think about Daniel as she pulled up her now outdated database timeline.
Daniel sat in his room at his desk, staring at his journal and feeling like an idiot. He was putting way too much thought into this, into all of this, and he needed to get his emotions straight. He had started to try to make himself sleep, get lost in an academic paper, anything productive, but he did what he always did when he needed to think.
He pulled out his journal and began to write.
So once again today I've proven to myself that I'm completely incapable of having a real conversation with a woman I care about. Of all the things I've ever been able to do it's the one thing I just can't win at. Hell, I didn't even tell Shar'e that I loved her until she was gone. Now, I have the most wonderful person I have ever met right in front of me, day in and day out, but I still can't bring myself to say it. I see her so differently now, in a completely different light than I did just months ago. Were I to have met her under different circumstances, in a different way or if she was not my assistant, maybe I would have had the courage to ask her to dinner or ask her to do things that she and I normally have done forever but just as friends, but together, like a couple would. I thought it was dead; I never thought I could love again.
He paused, setting his pen down lightly. He had thought it was dead, that he was dead inside for so long, but not now, not with the ache in his heart.
Biting his lip, he took the writing implement again into his hand.
I didn't think I could feel like this anymore. When we came back after the time dilation, after everything Vala said to me and I felt nothing I didn't think I could feel anymore. Now all I do is feel. I told Vala that I was broken, that it was me, yet here I am wanting nothing more to race down to the lab and take Adrienne into my arms.
It's not fair.
He paused again, his heart breaking, choking up wanting more than anything to just throw the journal across the room and scream.
"It's not fair ," he said aloud. He'd never really thought about finding the perfect person, that just wasn't what he had been looking for in life nor had it been a life goal. Work has been his drive, his goal, his one true love until now. At this moment the love of his life was down in the lab doing her work, his work, amazing work. She was beautiful in that she was perfectly imperfect and someone he could talk to, someone he wanted to see every single day.
"It's just not fair," he scratched down in the journal again, "And there is a part of me that wishes we would come across some Ancient device, a Goa'uld toy, something, because I would step into that alternate reality just to be with her and leave it all behind."
It terrified him; never before in his life had he actually thought about giving up everything without question. True, he had left the world he knew to live with Shar'e but it was for a completely different reason; he really was leaving nothing behind the technology of Earth to live in the world that he adored, the world he has spent his life wishing he could take a time machine to see.
Now?
He would leave it all behind for Adrienne, to be with her, where they would be safe, and never look back.
I'm an idiot, he continued to write, I'm an idiot with a crush who can't think rationally. It was hard after the Odyssey, after we lost the Asgard, the disaster of the Destiny and Atlantis crashing. She just came at the right time, and was a helping hand and a listening ear.
Daniel paused in, sniffing.
As if she was meant to come right when she did.
Not wanting to do anything, especially obsess on this further, Daniel stood, heading for the gym.
By the time Adrienne had finished everything she felt that she could actually accomplish today, she decided to take up Ronon Dex on his offer rather than sit around and obsess about Daniel.
Just as the Satedan had promised, there were Teal'c and Ishta, suited up and ready to spar, something Adrienne really felt that she could use today.
She just finished her first round, a bruise forming on her upper bicep that she was sure Carolyn would notice at their premission check up in a few days, and yell at her about, when she heard the gym doors open. Normally she would've never looked up, people came and went all day, but for some reason she did this time, to see Daniel walking through them.
"Gah dammit,"Adrienne swore, Ronon peering over in curiosity.
"What's wrong?" he asked as she shook her head, diverting her eyes, hoping her boss hadn't seen her.
Apparently, though, Ronon had.
"Is he gonna take you back to work?" her handsome friend asked.
"No," Adrienne replied, quietly, "he must be feeling better, wanting to sweat or something."
"Then why do you look like something's wrong?" he pushed, Adrienne trying not to grumble.
"No nothing just something stupid from earlier," she said as she shoved him away, pointing a finger to the sparring circle so they could go again.
"DanielJackson," Teal'c yelled, of course, Adrienne resisting the urge to take her wooden practice staff weapon and clock him upside the head, "Come join us!"
Daniel finally looked in their direction, walking over when she realized he hadn't originally noticed her, freezing once he did.
It's my lot in life, she thought but didn't open her mouth, every awkward situation in my entire life that involves Daniel is gonna take place in the gym.
Please do not come over here…
"Sparring?" her boss inquired, still yet a word to her, the Jaffa nodding.
"AdrienneRowan has just finished her round with RononDex," he explained, Daniel finally making eye contact with Adrienne, forcing a grin at her, "Would you care to train with myself or Ishta?"
"Let me stretch first, you two can go ahead," he said walking over to where they usually would sit on the sidelines and watch one another fight. Adrienne was torn inside, debating whether or not she should say something, ask him how he was doing, if his bullshit headache had gone away, but instead she walked over to where she was going to take her seat anyway, dragging Ronon to sit beside her.
"Why are you acting weird?" Ronon muttered, too loudly in Adrienne's opinion.
"I'm not," she spat, leaning across his dark sweaty arms and over at Daniel, "Feeling better shug?"
"Yeah," he lied, "much. Thought I'd get some exercise in and then head down to the lab."
"We're done for the day," she answered quickly, "I got us to a stopping point so I could shower, get some dinner and maybe straighten up and do some laundry before bed."
"Thanks Ad," Daniel said kindly, leaning back a little and sitting cross legged as Teal'c and Ishta began their bout.
Why was he here, Adrienne thought as she sat from where she had been lying across poor Ronon, is he trying to find me? Maybe he does want to talk…
Her thoughts were a swirl of insanity, because of course if he had come looking for her that would make sense since he knew full well that she always ended up in the gym. On the other hand, he was wearing gym clothes and if he had been looking for her and just came to the gym to see if she went there, he would probably be wearing his uniform or whatever comfortable clothes he had changed into in his room, so maybe he did just come here to work out, maybe he didn't have anything to say to her...
A few grunts and blows exploded in front of her, the pair of Jaffa fighting in a fashion that was so perfectly matched it looked like a dance. This was why Adrienne came to training. While she would never fight as they did, she was honored that they took the time to include her in what she viewed as an art form and show her even a few moves. She tried her best to focus, to watch their feet, learn something as she normally did, but she couldn't help but peer past Ronon to Daniel, who was seated as if he were meditating. Perhaps he was, she thought, perhaps he was trying to learn as she did, after all they rarely had time to train or work out together. Most of their free time was at odd hours, hence the geek movie nights, but maybe there was a fitness side to her best friend she had missed.
"AdrienneRowan!"
"You're up," Ronon nudged her, Adrienne standing to take her place in the circle.
"DanielJackson!"
But Daniel didn't move.
"DanielJackson, it has been a while since you have sparred with AdrienneRowan," Teal'c noted, glancing at her to make sure she wasn't going to object.
"No," her boss countered, still not moving, "she and I have worked out a few times."
"Twice," Adrienne couldn't resist, "It's been twice Indy."
"That's a few…"
"I thought you wanted a rematch?" she had to tease, this was so awkward, they had sparred twice and he had clocked her, once punching her full force, why in the hell was he acting like this now?
I've been around a lot, and I know what real love looks like...
"No," she spat, Daniel and Teal'c staring at her confused.
"No you don't want a rematch?" her best friend chuckled, and while they had sparred it was nothing like before.
"I've been wanting a rematch," she shot back, her worries beginning to ease, "YOU keep holding back."
"I won't hold back now," he said with a smile, stepping into the ring, not bothering with gloves, "unless, of course, you're concerned about your performance…"
Adrienne smiled.
This was normal, this, banter, smiling, a challenge.
"Only if you mean what kind of celebration dance I'll be doing after I kick ya tchew…"
Grinning, Daniel took a stance as Adrienne tossed her hands in front of her face.
Her door was cracked, despite how late it was, but she had asked him to let her know how he was doing before bed.
"Hey shug," she said over her shoulder with a smile, "how's it going?"
"Tired, achy, if I have another cup of coffee I might explode..." he moaned, tossing his bag onto the floor and flopping on the bed.
"I was making that."
"Which I never understand because you only make it before you get right back in it," he teased, tossing a pillow in her direction when he rolled over onto his side, wincing in pain.
Adrienne frowned, abandoning the bed for a basket of laundry on her desk.
"Did you go see Carolyn?" she asked, a part of her feeling bad that she had kicked his ass, literally, another part thoroughly amused at the outcome of their sparring match.
"And show her a giant bruise on my butt?" he grumbled as he repositioned himself to where he was not laying on the injury, "No thanks."
"Yeah," she giggled, throwing a washcloth at his head, "I guess it's kinda embarrassing having to admit that a girl can beat you up."
"Whatever," he muttered, kicking off his shoes and getting comfortable.
"You need a girlfriend, so you can go bother her and leave me alone," she said with a smile, reaching for the pillow and tossing it back.
"I have you," he joked back, his heart racing, he didn't mean it like that, well he did, but he was kidding and just, "that's bad enough."
Calm down Daniel. You had a NORMAL afternoon with Adrienne. Everything is going to be FINE if you just TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!
YOU are TWO intelligent professionals that can figure out how to handle this.
"Clever," she shot back, her stomach racing with nerves, Adrienne grabbing more laundry rather than say another word.
"Are you really headed to bed; it's only ten," Daniel questioned as he sat up, Adrienne sighing.
"Yeah, I've got an IOA meeting that YOU," she stressed the word, "weaseled out of and I need to be caffeinated and coherent by the time they make me actually speak."
"I didn't weasel..."
"Uh, what are YOU doing tomorrow Dr. Jackson? Given that I managed to get ALL of our work done today, BY myself," she asked, halting her chore.
"Sam & I have to go through the gate codes and make this month's check-in list of our allies."
"And Walter can't do this with her because..."
Daniel started laughing, stuffing the pillow under his head and reaching for the remote.
"Because I hate IOA meetings," he choked out, Adrienne throwing a shirt at his head.
"Weasel..."
"Nope," he chuckled, hunkering down on her bed, "genius."
She rolled her eyes, trying to adjust everything around him, giving up and heading to her dresser for pajamas. Grabbing a t-shirt and pants she heads for the bathroom, a throat clearing behind her.
"Jokes aside shug," she said with a small smile, "I gotta hit the hay."
"No," he shook his head, seriously, sitting up from the bed, "I just, well, I needed to talk to you."
You can do this Daniel, you practiced.
Adrienne, I need to tell you that I have feelings for you. I'm in love with you. I'm not sure if you feel the same way and if you do if we can ever do anything about it, but you're the best friend that I have ever had and you deserve the truth.
"About?" she stopped to lean against the doorframe.
"Last night," he said quietly, Adrienne nodding in expectation.
"What about last night?"
Daniel didn't answer at first, pushing his glasses up his face and fumbling with his hands for a moment, finally peering up at her.
"When I came here, I had another nightmare..." he started slowly, Adrienne taking a seat on her bed, "when I woke up to go, and, well, I.."
See I know why I came here Addy, why I always flee to you. I love you. You make me feel like I matter and you care and it was that stupid IOA dinner last week and the meeting after that I realized that I love you…
"You what?" Adrienne had stopped folding, her heart racing with Teal'c's words echoing through her head.
"I came down here because..."
What are you doing Daniel, just SAY IT!
What if she doesn't feel the same?
You can't sit here and pour your heart out you moron, what if you're just a friend to her?
"Because what?" she asked as he frowned.
I just wanted to tell you that I love you but apparently that's not gonna happen right now dammit Daniel, he thought, taking a breath.
"Because, you listen. I know I don't always talk, but you listen and I appreciate that. I just don't want to be a burden, so I wanted to let you know that I won't be doing that anymore."
What?! You're not going to talk to her anymore? What does what you said even mean? You're really winning here. This is why you are a failure in all relationships.
"But it's not," she said, finally looking up, "it's not a burden. I want you to talk to me about anything."
"It's not? You do?"
Please tell me you love me Ad, please...
"Yeah," she clarified, "I never really had anyone to talk to myself, and I feel like I can talk to you," she stammered for a moment herself trying to explain feelings that she was just starting to allow herself to entertain, "you make me feel safe, accepted, not weird," she chose instead because he did, things just felt right with him in her life,"I guess I just want to be the same for you."
I make her feel safe?
She wants to be the same for me?
Could that mean?
She turned to go back to the bathroom, Daniel at his feet, racing over to catch her before she could escape, ignoring the throbbing in his bruised behind.
"No, it's ok, I just didn't want you to be mad at me," he said quickly.
"Why would I be?" she asked, confused.
"I just felt like I was taking advantage of you, sleeping in your bed, you holding me…"
"It just felt like what I should do, I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable," she added, turning, Daniel reaching out to catch her arm.
"You didn't," he whispered, "I..."
I love when you hold me...
"You what?"
"You're right, it, it helps..." and once again he didn't say a word, like an idiot.
She smiled softly, eyes at the floor again.
"You staying? Tonight?" she asked before returning to her task.
Is that a signal?
Yes you moron that's a signal, this is why Jack's says you're dense.
Go to Jack in the morning, tell him everything, let him figure out a way. This HAS to mean she feels the same, it HAS to.
"If you're alright with that…" he checked a second time, Adrienne's eyes darting to the floor.
"Yeah…" she let the word cross her lips, what was going on, she was inviting him to spend the night but why, there was no way that she could, why was she even thinking this…
Daniel's in love with you.
"You left sweatpants," she said as she pointed into the corner where the duffle bag was sitting, "last time you were at my apartment. I kept forgetting to bring them down."
He didn't say a word, just stood, walking over to the corner to rummage as she slipped into the bathroom, her heart in her throat.
"What in the hell is wrong with me?" he muttered, grabbing the sweatpants and turning to change anyway.
He loved her, he did, more than anything but he just needed more time to sort this out in his head and figure out if she felt the same.
Until then, this would have to do.
Pulling up his sweatpants to his hips, Daniel cast his work clothes aside, walking over and crawling into her bed, wondering if he was ever going to figure out what to do.