Aerendyll sat at her desk a few days later, staring down at the blank parchment. She had been attempting to write Legolas, but could not find herself to put words to paper.
There was much she wished to say to him. To ask why she was sent away. To speak of her misgivings about the life she was meant to live - the only life she had known but now wondered if it was truly what she wished to do.
Of her growing feelings for Haldir. The fact he had nearly kissed her. Or she had nearly kissed him. She still was unsure about that moment and what it would mean for them. So much so, that she had avoided him these last few days in an attempt to sort herself out.
But yet, try as she might, she could not bring herself to write anything down. Things were becoming jumbled chaos in her mind and she was not yet sure how to unravel it all.
As if Fate sensed what was going on in her mind, there was a knock at the door. Breathing a sigh of relief, Aerendyll rose from her chair, thinking it must be Daella. While she could still be a bit irksome with her talk of Haldir, as her wedding drew nearer, the elleth could not help to talk about it more. While somewhat painful to see her friend so happily in love while unsure of what was going on with herself, it was refreshing to hear that things were progressing well.
"Come in," Aerendyll called out, walking towards the door.
It opened, but it was not Daella that walked in. Aerendyll nearly did not have enough time to hide her shock as Cohnal stepped in, his eyes roaming around the room before settling on Aerendyll.
"You were not in the council meeting this morning so I thought I would perhaps call upon you to see that you are well," he said. Aerendyll gulped slightly and then easily slid into a smile.
"As you can see, I am well. There were a few things of a personal matter that I needed to attend to," she replied smoothly.
"I see," Cohnal said, still closely regarding her.
Aerendyll was unsure just why he was here, though felt it perhaps had to do something with Haldir. She had not been to training, nor had she spoken to him. And she did not appreciate having a minder at her age.
Though for a moment, she worried he had seen their moment in the wood.
"As you can see, there is nothing of importance to report back to King Thranduil if that is why you are here," she said brazenly, her smile falling from her face.
Cohnal's eyebrows rose slightly in surprise before a small smile appeared.
"Surely you do not think that is why I came to see you," he said.
"We both know that you are not here to check on my well-being," Aerendyll replied. "If that is all, I do have other things that demand my attention."
"Contrary to what you may think, I am not attempting to make things difficult for you, Lady Aerendyll. I do not wish to cause you any harm," he said. "If anything, I wish to aid in your happiness."
"Then, by all means, aid in my happiness by leaving me be," Aerendyll snipped before she could temper herself.
A small smile appeared upon his face, which surprised her, to say the least. It appeared as though he were enjoying the exchange, while she wanted nothing more than for him to leave her presence.
"You are rather learned, my lady. And well versed in navigating through a council room or difficult discussions on matters of state, but I feel there are many things you have yet to learn and discover," he said.
"Ah, so you intend to educate me, is it?" Aerendyll asked.
"I intend to safeguard your well being. I know King Thranduil well and I feel as though I am gaining a better understanding of yourself. I only wish to save you from harm," he stated.
Aerendyll truly did fight to keep her expression calm when she wanted nothing more to lose her temper for once. All her life she had been watched and instructed and told what to do and who to spend her time with. There was a rather long time where she had accepted this and thought nothing of it, but for whatever reason, here in Lorien it was pushing her to her limit.
Perhaps it was speaking her mind with Haldir at the spring, but she found herself finally beginning to question just why she had accepted it for so long. If it truly made her happy. And yet, still, part of her still held tightly onto control.
"I assure you. No harm will befall me within the borders of Lorien. I know my place here and what my duty dictates. I do not need you to remind me," she said. "You can assure Thranduil that I am behaving accordingly and he has nothing to fear."
Cohnal studied her quietly a few moments, as though he was deciphering the true meaning behind her words, before inclining his head towards her.
"I see. I will take my leave, then," he said. He then turned and walked out of the room.
Aerendyll sighed and turned back to walk towards her desk, sitting down. She stared at the parchment a bit and then reached for her quill. She took a deep breath and then put it to paper, but yet again, words failed to come to her. She was far too bothered.
She pushed up to her feet and turned, rushing out of her rooms and through the halls of the great house.
She was unsure just where she wished to go, but soon enough Aerendyll found herself walking in Galadriel's garden, which was thankfully empty. For a moment, she had considered riding to the spring, but feared she might find Haldir there.
While that time had not been far from her thoughts, she knew it was best to keep a distance. Aerendyll had opened up to him more than she had intended, caught in a raw moment, and she could not allow it to happen again. For if it did, there was no telling what words would leave her lips. What things she would allow herself to give into. Even though she had never before felt so connected to someone so quickly, there was still a great divide between them.
"I hear you have not been attending your training sessions with our marchwarden," a voice said from behind.
Aerendyll whirled around, seeing Lady Galadriel walking gracefully towards her. She immediately dropped into a bow, her eyes falling to the ground as a blush painted her cheeks.
"I apologize that I was unable to attend the meeting this morning. There were things I needed to see to," she recited.
"There is no need. For I fear I have been neglecting you," Galadriel said.
Aerendyll looked up at her in surprise.
"There is no need for you to apologize, my lady. I understand how busy you are. I assure you, you do not need to worry over me," Aerendyll replied. Galadriel laughed softly.
"It would seem you have forgotten what I said about speaking openly with me. Come, we shall both rectify our wrongdoings," Galadriel said, holding her hand out to Aerendyll.
Gulping, Aerendyll walked to her and the Lady of Lorien linked her arm through hers and pulled her forward down the path.
"Something is troubling you," Galadriel stated.
"Oh, I am fine-"
"Aerendyll," Galadriel chided with a soft laugh.
"It is nothing, my lady. I wouldn't wish to bore you with my troubles," Aerendyll said politely, still unsure she wished to bare her soul to Galadriel.
Galadriel stopped, turning to face Aerendyll. For a rare moment, she felt like squirming under Galadriel's intense scrutiny, but she remained still. The Lady's expression was impenetrable and the longer she remained silent, the more nervous Aerendyll became.
"I am always willing to lend an ear, should you need one. I may be Lady of Lorien, but I also wish to be a friend," she said gently.
Aerendyll glanced away, still unable to bring herself to speak of the many things on her mind. For if she were to admit it outloud, that would make it real. As long as she did not speak of her feelings then she could continue to ignore them.
"I sense that you are at a crossroads, my dear," Galadriel finally said.
Aerendyll's eyes widened slightly, though she refrained from reacting further. She had long known that Lady Galadriel was wise and had deep insight into others, could even see things that no others could, though Aerendyll did not know how. Lord Elrond too had the gift of foresight, but she was rather unaccustomed to them.
"Many things are changing for you… things you did not expect and now you are facing choices you do not understand," Galadriel continued. "Your heart wishes for you to go one way, but your mind is telling you to stay the course."
"I… there is but one path before me," Aerendyll said quickly. "I am-"
"Finding yourself feeling things you have not experienced before in your long life and are altogether unsure of what you wish to do," Galadriel said, cutting her off.
Aerendyll frowned slightly, her frustration growing as she wished that Galadriel - great lady or not - would allow her to speak on her own accord. As though she sensed this, Galadriel said nothing, only continued to smile serenely at Aerendyll. Finally she sighed and looked away, taking in the calm of the garden.
"It does not matter, I am only here for a time and then I will return to Mirkwood," she said, keeping her voice calm as she looked back at Galadriel. "And things will return to how they have always been."
"Aerendyll, do you not remember my words from before? Matters of the heart appear on their own volition. What's more, you cannot push them to the side and ignore them until they disappear," Galadriel said, chuckling softly. "It will not go away just because you will it so."
Aerendyll gulped, feeling altogether vulnerable before her. As vulnerable as she had been with Haldir at the spring. It was not a feeling she particularly enjoyed all that much in this moment, though there had been a measure of relief when it was with Haldir.
"But I must," she said firmly. Galadriel raised an eyebrow at her.
"Because you worry of King Thranduil?" she asked.
"That is but one issue," Aerendyll said with a sigh. "My duty is with Mirkwood, no matter my current feelings on the King and his doings."
Galadriel studied her with a sympathetic look before reaching out and taking her hands, squeezing them lightly.
"Sometimes, there are things in life that are much bigger, more important than duty. You do not always have to choose duty over love," she said softly.
"Love?" Aerendyll said with a scoff, pulling her hands from Galadriel as her cheeks turned rosy. "My lady, I assure you, love has nothing to do with the thoughts that plague my mind."
Galadriel chuckled as she shook her head, making Aerendyll feel very much as though she were an elfling yet again. She then took her hands yet again, this time holding onto them more tightly.
"You may not be willing to admit it to yourself just now, but I can see the beginnings of something that could be amazing if you are willing to keep your heart open to the possibilities," Galadriel said.
Aerendyll could only stare at her, feeling a lump beginning to form in her throat.
"Heed my words, Aerendyll, you cannot run from this. You cannot ignore it. It will not disappear," she said. "Open your heart and your mind. For you might find that there is a whole new world of possibilities before you. Possibilities that you never imagined."
She then let go of Aerendyll's hands and turned, gliding off deeper into the garden. For a few moments, Aerendyll stood there, too stunned to move. She then looked over, watching as the lady disappeared around a hedge. For a moment, she considered following her, even took a step in that direction, but then stopped herself. Sighing, she turned and began making her way back to her rooms.
Once there, she began to pace, her mind whirling. She wished she had not run into Galadriel in the garden. The great elleth had made what was already a complicated situation even more so murky. Her mind told her that she needed to be strong. Remember her duty. She was an elf of Mirkwood. Her place has and always will be at the King and Prince's side.
But part of her was beginning to question that more and more. It was all she had ever known, but did that necessarily make it right? Thranduil had sent her away rather harshly. Why should she wish to return when he obviously did not want her there?
She stopped pacing as her hand gripped her dress over her heart, a deep pain centered there. Was he angry with her? Was this truly some sort of punishment? No, that could not be it. Thranduil loved her as his own. He would never hurt her in such a way. But still… why was she here? What purpose was there for her in Lorien?
Shaking her head, Aerendyll walked to her desk and sat, her hand reaching for her quill. This time, she barely looked at the parchment before beginning to fill in with words.
Despite whatever was happening with her and Legolas, she needed his advice on this matter. Who else could tell her what to do better than her best friend?
Haldir looked up from fletching arrows to see his brothers letting themselves into his talan. Sighing, he returned to his work, determined that he would not be deterred in his task. He was intending to return to the borders soon and would need to be fully armed.
"You are not serious about returning to the borders? What of Lady Aerendyll's lessons?" Rumil said.
Orophin elbowed him, causing Rumil to glare at him as he rubbed his side. Haldir did not look up at them.
"It is my duty as Marchwarden and I have prolonged it too long," Haldir said. "Besides she has been too busy of late."
"Something happened," Rumil stated. He looked at Orophin, who was uncharacteristically quiet. "And you know of this."
"I know nothing," Orophin said lightly as he strode towards the kitchen, though it was obvious to all that he was, indeed, lying.
"What happened?" Rumil demanded.
"It is of no consequence," Haldir said with a heavy sigh.
"But… I thought things were going well!" Rumil shouted. Orophin chuckled as he walked back with a wine goblet in hand. "You agreed with me!"
"Brother, you are forgetting the other part of this equation… Lady Aerendyll," he said, lifting the goblet to Rumil before taking a drink.
"But… Sheelin said she would not stop looking for you at the feast," Rumil said, nearly on the verge of pouting.
For a moment, Haldir paused in his work, but then continued on. He had not known of this, but it mattered not. Not after Aerendyll made clear that night in her rooms and then again at the spring where they stood. Whatever might possibly be between them would go nowhere. She would return to Mirkwood and did not truly wish to be here in Lorien. He was determined to give her space in the hopes that at the least they could return to the ease of friendship they had before.
It was all he could hope for at this point.
"Surely, there is something there," Rumil continued.
"Enough, Rumil. You are acting like a child," Haldir said, finally stopping his work and looking up, a scowl on his face. "She does not wish to see me, nor does she wish to return my affections. There is nothing more to be done."
Silence reigned in the talan as Rumil stared in shock at Haldir before looking over at Orophin. Only a moment passed before the two began grinning and Rumil gave a shout, starting to dance around the room. Haldir stared at him, his mouth falling open in astonishment as Orophin chuckled. Had his brothers finally lost their minds?
"I knew it!" Rumil finally shouted, grinning at Haldir. "You have finally admitted you have feelings for Aerendyll! I knew it!"
Haldir just blinked a few times and looked over to Orophin, then to the floor. He had not realized until that moment that he had never actually said the words aloud.
"Do not look so stunned, brother. We all knew this, though it is good to hear you finally speak it directly," Orophin said. "Care to share more? I assure you, it can be quite freeing."
Haldir looked at his brothers and then sighed, rubbing his face. Where to begin? He wasn't even sure himself just when his feelings turned from friendship to deeper affection. Perhaps it had always been there.
He remembered watching as she fought the orcs, the determination in her face mixed with fear. Then seeing her fall and watching the orc go for her. Then that night in his flet, when she had asked him to stay. At the time he thought it merely curiosity. But even then, he had known it was more.
He had been drawn to Aerendyll from her arrival. It was hard not to be.
However, her latest actions and Cohnal's warning were much louder in his mind.
"What does it matter if I speak of it? It changes nothing," he said with a heavy sigh. He looked to Orophin, seeing his expression softening.
"She has many walls. What did I tell you? Give her time," Orophin said. "Surely with time she will come around. She is only but a few months into her stay and we still do not know just how long she will be here. Could be years."
Haldir sat silently and then sighed, looking up at his brothers. Rumil wore a hopeful expression while Orophin was more tempered. He knew he should let go of his hope, but hope was a tricky thing. One lodged in your mind and heart, it did not so easily let go, nor did it listen to reasoning.
"Perhaps the best thing I can do is to go to the borders for a time. Give us both space," he finally said. "My mind is made up in that regard. I will leave in the morning."
"But you will not give up, will you?" Rumil pushed.
"I must. It is for the best. For even in Lorien, Mirkwood keeps a watchful eye on her," he said, returning to his work, missing the look his brothers shared. "If you have no other reason for being here other than gossip and drinking my wine, you can return to your homes for that. I have much to do before I leave."
There was silence for a time, but Haldir did not look up, finally hearing his brother's footsteps. It was not until he heard his door shut that he stopped and looked up. Though it pained him to be away from Aerendyll, he knew it was right.
He needed to focus on his duty and try his best to lay to rest whatever emotions she provoked in him. To quash his hope there could be something more. For there would never be anything more.
I'm back! I know, it's been a bit longer than I like to go in between posts, but, well, Olympics. That's all. Oh, and a COVID scare at the office that sent us all home early yesterday, but it's all good now - everyone tested negative. And I FINALLY finished the BIG chapter, though it still needs some work… Been a bit distracted with another project that I'm not 100% sure I'll ever post, but it's been demanding my creative attention, haha!
Oddity Empress - Haha, yes. But this one is a bit more traditional than my last. ^_^ Thought since I started it, might as well finish the story.
Ten Duel Commandments - I know, right? But he's been - for all intents and purposes - Aerendyll's dad, so she's struggling with going against him and all. Even if she's still angry with him for sending her away.
Saddlesore - I know. It's killing me and I'm writing the darn story, haha!
As always, thanks for reading, following and commenting!