KingVessel: This was inspired by Gigguk's Harem PSA video and Luckenhaft's on my fics. Also, I'm posting this all of the Guide series.
How to Deal with your Harem 101 by Yuuki-sensei
Rito Yuuki hummed peacefully as he sat in this random classroom he had been summoned into. Author KingVessel had summoned him into this dimension to give a brief lecture to a bunch of guys who had fallen under the Harem Curse as he had.
Rito, the nice guy he was, had instantly accepted. He may have accepted the love of his Harem and might have ascended into Divinity in his country through the urban legends he left in his wake but by Tearju's Boobs, he swore that he would leave his students better learned than he was at the time!
Speaking of students...
Jaune Arc, Issei Hyoudou and Shirou Emiya screamed as they smashed through the classroom door.
"What the?!"
"Where are we- Wait, Jaune?!"
"Issei! And a redhead guy I don't know!"
"It's Shirou Emiya. And I don't know either of you."
"Wait, Emiya? You're Zelretch's earlier disciple! You're my Senpai!"
"That Vampire took another student?! Wait, you too?"
"I only met Zelretch briefly on my team's mission! I'm no student of his! Still, where are we?"
"Alright you guys, settle down." Rito said as he clapped to get their attention. "The Author has summoned you all here for some important advice."
Shirou opened his mouth to speak, only to note the absence of a voice that he had become familiar with. "I can't hear my Alter..."
Issei jolted and raised his arms, but Ddraig's {Boosted Gear} didn't show itself.
Jaune's hand clenched fruitlessly at where {Crocea Mors} usually hung from his waist.
"Are you going to tell us why we're here?" Jaune asked, letting his worry be buried under the bravado he could pull from his 'Miles Luna' persona.
"My name is Rito Yuuki." Rito looked at them with a serious expression, ignoring Issei's loud gasp. "What I am about to teach you, you shall value for the rest of your lives. It is something I had to learn via trial and error through my life, but you shall have the benefit of an education before experiencing it yourselves."
"AAAAAHHH!" Issei bowed in worship. "Harem God Rito Yuuki-sama! As a Japanese Harem seeker, I beseech your blessing!"
"What?" Jaune and Shirou replied in confusion, especially the Japanese vigilante.
"You guys don't get it!" Issei screamed in indignance, offended at their ignorance. "This man is-"
"Alright, alright." Rito assuaged Issei's beginning rant. "What I have to teach you guys is really important so if we could not waste any time..."
"What is it?" Shirou asked.
Rito took out a projector with the words 'Girls 101' written on it.
"""EH?"""
The boys stared with blank eyes, unable to process this addition to their curriculum. Eventually, Shirou decided to break the ice.
"What is-"
"-this wonderful lesson?" Rito finished his sentence for him. "It's my guidance to you to make sure you all stay safe and alive. Having girls go after you will most certainly lead to your demise if you can't handle it."
"Wait, wait, wait." Issei interrupted. "How can having a bunch of girls chase after me be a bad thing?! Hell, that's one of the bonuses I wished for when I admitted into Kuoh!"
Rito shook his head. "Ah the ignorance of today's youth. Listen well, you three."
Rito's tone changed as his demeanor grew serious. "As of now, your lives are in a state of danger and karmic imbalance due to your unestablished harems. Well, Issei's already fixing his with his proactive harem seeking. He already embraces his pervesion and makes no secret to hide it, meaning that any girl who gets attracted to him won't be able to find anything to discredit him further. Rock bottom starting point, after all."
"Yes!" Issei pumped his fist in victory.
"Should you be proud of that?" Shirou deadpanned.
Rito smiled bemusedly before continuing. "For every bit of fortune you experience with the opposite sex, you shall experience misfortune in everything else. Not to mention these girls will tear you apart if you upset them. They have a variety of skills and abilities, all capable of shredding you apart whenever they please. You need to be prepared for any disaster that can and will ruin your life. Do you understand, Shirou? DO YOU!?"
Shirou quickly nodded his head, wondering why he had been singled out.
"Good. Now, because you are dumb. As in dumb enough to not realize that there are girls who like you-"
"What?" Shirou blinked, ignoring Issei's raised eyebrow and Jaune's facepalm, who moaned at both Shirou and his own Canon Beacon self's obliviousness. Canon Issei at least had the reasonable excuse of trauma for his ignorance.
"What?" Rito echoed, and then ignored the conservation entirely. "Anyway, as you guys are usually surrounded by hormonal girls, some of them are bound to be attracted you. I don't know how, but they will. So, I'm going to give you advice on what to do and how to manage so girls don't kill you when you eventually screw up."
Rito manifested a cup of coffee and sipped from it before proceeding.
"I recommend you take notes so you don't forget." He gave them some paper and writing utensils and begun his lesson.
"Don't you think you're overreacting, Mr. Yuuki?" Jaune asked.
"No. Not in the slightest, you noob. You may be more aware than your canon self but you still need this, Arc-kun." Rito warned. "Now, we'll begin with basic advice to survive girls in general. The first thing you need to do is not panic. This may sound obvious but you'll be surprised by how crucial this is. No matter how many girls try to kill you for an accident you unintentionally or accidently caused, keep calm and run away."
Shirou raised his hand. "Shouldn't you try to explain that it was an accident instead?"
Rito, Jaune and Issei laughed at that fruitless question before the Harem God replied. "No. Any excuses you make will fall on deaf ears. Those girls will be too blinded by self-righteous rage to even consider that it's a misunderstanding. Your best option is to book it and avoid contact with them until they settle down. Trying to explain yourself will only lead to you getting hurt. Remember, just keep calm and run away."
Shirou decided to ignore that while Issei scribbled furiously on his paper. Jaune however just shrugged. As a guy who was raised alongside with seven sisters, such advice was already engraved into his heart from his days as a toddler.
"Second." Rito moved on. "Maintain constant awareness of what's around you. You must always be aware of your surroundings. One minute, you're walking around the corner minding your own business. The next, you're on top a girl with your face in her crotch and your hand somehow on her breast. Then a second girl will trip over you and her butt will be in your face with your other hand's groping her breast. Then more girls more will appear and see the position you're in and call you a pervert."
"That seems very unlikely." Jaune said as he ignored Issei's mumbling of 'miracles'. "And extremely specific..."
"It happened to me thrice a week, while I was still a high schooler." Rito pulled up a slide with the projector to show them the evidence of a younger him underneath a yelling busty black-haired girl and a blonde girl whose hair seemed in the middle of transforming into fists.
Before Jaune or Shirou could question legitimacy of such study, Rito moved on with his life saving lesson.
"Lesson number three. Keep your hands closed." Rito opened and closed his palms for emphasis.
"""What?"""
"With the way the worlds are now conspiring against you three, you're going to get into a lot of physical contact with your female friends. Their boobs and butts will be like magnets to your hands and they will try to kill you when you eventually make contact. To minimize the damage, keep your hands in closed fists. That way you can't accidently slide their skirts off or cup their boobs. Do note this will change your crime from sexual harassment to physical assault, but this is a much better alternative."
"Yuuki-sensei!" Issei cheered as he raised his hand. "I wholeheartedly refuse!"
"I thought so." Rito sighed. "I swear, it's like you're a reincarnated Saruyama who's lucky enough to frequently get laid."
Shirou brought his palm to his forehead. He considered himself a patient guy but this was quickly draining him of that patience. "This is just ridiculous. And no one would ever need this so-called advice. Back me up, guys."
"Don't... be afraid... to punch... some boobs..." Jaune finished writing.
Issei was lost in a fantasy, involving something about accidentally running into then having sex with a girl not even five minutes after impact.
'They're hopeless.' Shirou gave up and wrote it all down.
"Now there's a lot more to go over but these will serve as the basics." Rito dropped the projector and manifested another one with 'Harem 101' written on it. "Now, I shall be educating you all about girls in your harems and the various personalities and archetypes they come with."
Shirou blinked as Jaune and Issei actually shifted forward to pay proper attention.
Rito began. "Number 1, we have the most common type there is. The Tsundere."
The projector activated, displaying the pictures of Yui Kotegawa, Weiss Schnee, Koneko Toujou and Rin Tohsaka.
"Tohsaka-san?" Shirou queried with a raised eyebrow.
"What's a tsundere?" Jaune asked.
"Oh yeah, you're not from Earth!" Issei smacked the bottom of his fist onto his open palm. "Don't worry, Yuuki-sama will probably explain it for you."
"Girls like these act all tough on the outside like, they say mean stuff to their crushes or punch them whenever they get nervous around them, but they are actually really sweet and caring on the inside."
"That explains so much about Weiss." Jaune muttered, comparing this to what he knew of the Schnee Heiress.
"Koneko-chan's a softie?!" Issei chuckled. "I knew it!"
"Could Tohsaka really be like that?" Shirou pondered.
"Number 2, the Yandere." The chart flipped to show Diodara Astaroth and Sakura Matou Alter.
Issei frowned at his own. "I don't know this handsome dude."
"Don't worry." Rito gave a thumbs up. "You're totally clear to incinerate this guy on sight."
Shirou tilted his head. "That ribbon looks familiar..."
"If everything goes well, she won't have to exist in your world, Emiya-kun." Rito's shaky smile didn't deceive anyone. "In fact, I really hope that you never see that part of her come into reality."
Wiping off his sweat, Rito cleared his throat before gesturing to the 'Yandere' sign.
"This refers to girls who are usually nice from the start... then end up becoming violent, murderous and deranged if their love interest either gets hurt or doesn't return their affections. Yes, it's terrifying to witness even if you're not the target of their Killing Intent. But they do it out of love, so they're not all that psychopathic (I think) – or at least, they have a reason. Also, I forgot to mention it earlier but these two types I've just mentioned aren't restrained to just girls. So be careful."
"So that's why there's a guy up there." Jaune mused. He hoped that nobody he knew back home was a Yandere.
"At least, it didn't show anyone I knew." Issei leaned back in relief.
Shirou kept staring at the picture, unable to shake off that strong feeling of familiarity...
"S̸̬͔̦͉͛̐̎͊͛͐͋̚͝è̴̝̭̂̅̏̊͋͒͑͝͠n̵̡̥̗͇̙̯̥͂̈́̈́̏̿̃̕̕͝͝p̸̧̯̙͚̣̫͙̱̱͋͒͋͜ȃ̵̪̇͜i̷̢̭̹̮̒̃̌̎̄!"
"Now, we have the Kuudere." Rito showed them the picture of Yami, Koneko Toujou and Miyu Emiya. "These girls are usually calm and collected on the outside, but are very, very good at burying their real emotions deep down. The few moments they show their true feelings on a matter, it's usually really subdued or extreme."
"Koneko-chan fits more than one archetype?!" Issei exclaimed.
"People rarely fit just one archetype, Hyoudou-kun." Rito warned. "In the words of a famous Ogre, girls are like onions and both of them have layers."
"Oh?"
Shirou raised his hand. "Why is my sister's picture there?"
Rito regarded him for a bit before turning away. "Even family members can't control who they fall for..."
"HEY! Answer the question!"
"Look, it's a bit of a known (and probably fictional) fact that little siblings going through puberty often imprint on their big siblings of the opposite gender when considering choices for their first romantic or sexual relationships. Just ask Arc-kun! He had five separate choices with six elder sisters and even lost his virginity to one of them!"
Jaune coughed and blushed heavily as both Shirou and Issei turned to look at him, strangely saying nothing to deny Rito's words...
"Now, the Deredere." Rito pointed out the pictures of Lala Satalin Deviluke, Ruby Rose, Irina Shidou and Taiga Fujimura with a smile. "This represents girls with usually sweet and energetic personalities. Do note that these girls are not only accepting if their love interest honestly rejects them, but are also most likely the ones who accept you being in a harem as long as they in on it."
"Ruby..." Jaune mused. "Not only is she my BFF(Best Female Friend), Yang would kill me if I aimed higher than that..."
Issei stared at Irina's picture. "Who the hell's that? Some future girl I haven't met yet?"
"So Fuji-nee's an option, huh?" Shirou sighed. "She'll be difficult to handle, along with Miyu..."
"Behold the Dandere." Rito changed the pictures, putting up Aries, Asia Argento and Sakura Matou's photos. "These are basically the shy ones. From what I know, they only manage to be open to guys they feel comfortable to be with. However, this can go badly as they might start ignoring your bad traits just so that they aren't cut off from your company."
Jaune just chuckled at the memory of the easy-to-tease Aries.
Issei and Shirou however stared at the pictures seriously.
"Asia... actually has a really good reason to be shy like that." Issei crossed his arms.
"Sakura too, I think..." Shirou thought back to Sakura's caustic relationship with her brother. "I should do something about that after the Roanapur Arc..."
"Next up, the Hiyakasudere!" Rito changed the pictures to Mea, Yang Xiao Long, Akeno Himejima and Luviagelita Edelfelt. "These girls are the ones who act perverted or sexual right from the start and will start shifting to romantic and embarassed gestures if they genuinely fall for the guy they usually tease. Do note that it's a bad idea to leave a Tsundere and an Hiyakasudere close to each other."
Rito actually stopped to rub his brow. "Sharing a room with Yui, Mea and Risa alone was quite terrifying at the time. The one Foursome that I'm wary to repeat..."
Jaune stared blankly at Yang's picture, saying nothing.
Issei simply smiled. "Akeno's a woman after my own heart."
Shirou frowned. "I don't know her. Another future girl?"
"Next up, the Ojoudere!" Rito pulled up pictures of Pyrrha Nikos, Rias Gremory and Fiore Forvedge Yggdmillennia. "These girls are practically 'noble lady-like' characters. Think of them like a more mature, peaceful and calmer version of a Deredere. They're just the types that make you want to bow down without them demanding it in the slightest."
"Yeah, Pyrrha does give that feeling time to time." Jaune placed a fist against his cheek. "She's just got... that aura."
"I totally understand." Issei nodded in agreement. "Rias-senpai gives that feeling everyday! She's got a fanclub back in Kuoh, y'know! And they don't even know that she's genuine Nobility!"
"Up next, the Sadodere, which are more commonly known as Sadists!" Rito changed the pictures, revealing Nemesis, Neo Politan, Caren Hortensia and Akeno Himejima. "This refers to girls with sadistic personalities as they like to physically, mentally and emotionally mess with others for no reason beyond their amusement. Never confuse these girls for a Yandere, though. While a Yandere might perform the same actions, they would never derive pleasure from it, but rather as an act of necessity as they do it to get what they perceive to be a positive outcome."
Jaune silently stared at Neo's picture before turning to Issei. "Is it wrong to be sexually attracted to that?"
"Nope!" Issei instantly replied before asking Rito a serious question. "Yuuki-sensei! If you conquer a Sadodere into becoming a Masochist, would they still count as Sadodere?"
"Yes." Rito replied seriously, recalling his experiences with Nemesis. "The Sadodere will never allow someone inferior to her to ever hold her reins. If you're weaker than her, even for an instant, she will switch your positions without hesitation."
As Jaune and Issei gulped, Shirou stared at Caren's picture with undisguised worry. 'And I'm aiming for her...'
"And here's a tricky one called the Mayadere!" Rito pulled up the pictures of Golden Darkness, Vernal Branwen, Kuroka Toujou and Illyasviel von Einzbern. "These are basically the girls that start out as your enemies. They genuinely want to kill you and splatter your guts everywhere. However, whether by some crazy event or miracle, you triumph over their constant attempts and eventually gain their respect. Given enough time, it's even likely to grow to attraction as you would, in some way, be the 'only guy who could keep up' with her at her most serious. There are also instances when their enmity for you is either completely professional or born from a severe misunderstanding."
"Ah?" Jaune tilted his head in confusion at the sight of Vernal.
"Ah?" Issei tilted his head in confusion at the sight of Kuroka.
"Ah?!" Shirou's jaw dropped at the sight of Illya as she heavily resembled his dad's wife, whose picture he had been shown before.
"Sadly, that's all we can cover for now." Rito clapped his hands. "Now, there may be around 183 of dere types-"
"""183?!"""
"-but you'll be fine. It's time for you guys to get going!"
Jaune, Issei and Shirou yelled in shock as Rito stomped the floor, transforming it to darkness and plunging them into the nothingness.
"Sayonara!" Rito yelled downwards as the hole slowly fixed itself. "Hmm, did I forget something?"
"Hey, um, Ikari-san?" Izuku Midoriya called out to the boy sharing a kotatsu table with him.
"Please, call me Shinji." Shinji Ikari replied, unwilling to be connected with the other man bearing the name.
"Oh, um, do you think the Author forgot to give us an appearance in this chapter?" Izuku tentatively questioned.
"Definitely." Shinji sighed before taking a sip of his tea. "This is good stuff, though."
"Yeah!" Izuku raised his bowl of katsudon. "To think that he dropped us with this table which can summon any edible we can imagine..."
Shinji just nodded along, tuning Izuku's rambling to pleasant background noise. He didn't know where he was or where Izuku came from but it wasn't like the green haired boy was bad company. He'd just enjoy this moment as much as he could.
KingVessel: Done! Was this Cross-Over Omake good or bad?! Please review!