This Present Darkness
K Hanna Korossy
Sam left the kitchen shaking his head and crossed into the library. Castiel was just where Sam had last seen him, slumped in the chair in the reading nook, gaze a thousand miles away. He'd been there since Sam and Dean had returned from taking a comatose Donatello to the hospital after Castiel's "interrogation." Sam wondered briefly if Cas was monitoring the prophet in the hospital, then put the thought away and forced an upbeat tone.
"Hey, Cas. You have any idea why Dean keeps muttering 'loincloth' to himself and snickering?"
"Yes." Cas didn't even look at him. "Gog and Magog. Their attire…amused him considerably."
"Ah." Sam nodded. "Let me guess: big guys in animal skins."
Those piercing blue eyes finally turned his way. "Ask what you really wish to know, Sam." The angel sounded weary.
Sam swallowed; fair enough. Not like it wasn't on all their minds. He pulled out the chair at the table nearest Castiel and sat facing his friend. "What did you mean when you said you were doing what you swore you'd never do again?" The camera had still been on in the dungeon; he and Dean had seen Cas's conversation with Donatello.
If anything, Cas looked even more tired at the question. "Have you ever heard of spiritual battle?"
"Uh, the unseen war going on between angels and demons for human souls, right?"
"Yes. Angels are warriors, Sam, not the soft, music-playing, guardian beings your culture has made them to be. I was captain of my garrison, a soldier for millennia. And in war, sometimes you have to do terrible things."
"You don't have to do those things now," Dean spoke up from behind Sam. "You don't have to follow orders anymore, Cas."
Sam didn't turn to look at his brother as Dean hitched up onto the edge of the table beside him. But Cas did, mouth twisting into an almost-sneer. "Ah, yes, the hypocrisy of humans. You two have worked for the King of Hell and allied with Lucifer. Dean, the deal you made ended up breaking the first Seal of the Apocalypse. Sam, your finding a way to banish the Mark released The Darkness. Would either of you take back any of those desperate measures?"
The brothers traded a long look this time, and Sam knew Dean's answer as well as his own. No.
Castiel stood, feet braced like he was prepared to do battle. "I did this for you, yes, so you could save your mother. And for the world, because an archangel war is upon us. But I also did it for myself. Dean, you feel responsible for Sam in part because your father ordered you at a young age to look out for his youngest child. Jack's mother did the same with me." He cocked his head, his stare intent. "Is this really so hard for you to understand?"
Dean shifted restlessly at Sam's shoulder, both of them considering the angel's words. God knows they'd done worse for family, crossed lines they shouldn't have, made mistakes with good intentions and chosen the barely lesser of two evils. Guilt for those choices would probably follow them to the end of their days, but regret? Not for the most part. Besides killing Lilith, which he had also done in misguided effort to save his brother and the world, Sam would do all of it over again.
He finally raised his head, and didn't need to look at Dean this time to answer for them both. "No, Cas," Sam said, also standing. "It's not."
Dean had silently slipped to his feet beside him. "Okay, then." He clapped his hands. "Let's go figure out what, what did you say, Cas, the blood of 'a most holy man' is? 'Cause I'm not flying to Rome to tap the Pope."
Sam saw Cas's raised defenses slowly lower, the tension drain. "All right," was all the angel said, careful with the absolution.
"All right," Sam said, and smiled at him, glad to see a hint of a smile in return.
There was more than one way to be there for family.
The End