Was I your Knight in Shining Armor?

(WARNING: descriptions of several suicide attempts, and mistreatment of mental illness)

The journey back in time took an eternity, but it also took no time at all.

Inside the golden egg that protected me, everything felt so distant... like what I was seeing had nothing to do with me. Through glittering golden walls, I watched my life pass by in reverse- rewound like a movie in a VCR.

It was a surreal experience, watching myself walk backwards- away from the places I was going to. All the while surrounded by a silence so oppressing, that I was beginning to wonder if sound even existed here.

I watched with apathetic eyes as my body dragged itself back into the White Room. I watched the people I killed return back to life, and leave me there to rot.

Even backwards, this part of my life remained the same. I smiled at the sight- at the proof playing out in front of me, that showed just how little I meant to my 'friends'.

How little I meant to the world.

I watched days that at the time felt endless. They were so similar, that they seemed to bleed together even now.

It was… difficult, to see the progression of their degradation of me. I watched my room become less and less oppressive, because each one of my suicide attempts had them taking away more and more of my freedoms. I saw them undo the invisible binds around my wrists and ankles that kept my movements limited to a small square, and kept my hands from reaching my mouth.

That happened after the last attempt. I watched my hands put the teeth I had pulled out to cut open a vein back into my mouth, and quickly after that, I watched the time that I tried to physically bite into my wrists- though that attempt had been caught so quickly, that I complained to the doctor that he should at least give me a chance to kill myself.

I watched them put furniture back into my room, before watching the time I bashed my head in on the metal frame of my bed.

I watched them give me my sheets back before watching myself untie the noose I tried to attach to the front door.

I watched those ridiculous hacks who called themselves 'healers' inch closer and closer to me, until the mandated distance between us disappeared. I saw my very first healer (the first and last star struck idiot to enter my room), come back to life after I blew her head off.

She never listened to me when I told her that I didn't want to be touched. She never believed me when I told her that her touch hurt me.

She deserved worse.

I took in a deep breath, and closed my eyes in a childish attempt to relax. I wanted nothing more then to forget the past again- just for a moment longer.

I felt exhausted down to my bones when I recalled those days of endless despair.

The days when it felt like God had cursed me with life, because he felt that I didn't deserve to die.

The first year was the hardest. After that… I was finally able to acknowledge my fault in our tragedy.

Because it was my fault.

I've accepted my blame. My fate. My destroyed destiny.

But that doesn't mean that I stopped feeling scared or ashamed of my past actions. My past self. I honestly wanted nothing more then to keep my eyes closed- so that I could ignore the rest of what I knew was coming. So I could pretend it never happened- it would be erased in a few minutes after all…

But I couldn't do that.

Before the White Room, my memories were hazy. They were hard to recall, and I needed to take this opportunity to remind myself of the obstacles I would face; and what actions that I would need to avoid.

I couldn't let Him down. I couldn't- Not again…

I couldn't be the cause of His death- His pAiN- NeVEr aGaIN.

I needed to be strong. I couldn't lose myself and drift away from reality. I couldn't live in the fantasy world I built in my head to escape the guilt the never ending emptiness inside my chest.

He needed me to be the Hero. The Martyr...

He needed me to be Harry Potter again.

And so I opened my eyes, and I watched the worst day of my life play out in front of my eyes.

I was able to watch them force their potions and magic into my body- to make me complacent. Watch them manhandle me like I was something less then human.

but this-

I wailed soundlessly into the void as tears poured from my eyes and clogged my throat. I watched them drag me from my Master, and then I saw myself hugging his lifeless corpse for what felt like the shortest and most devastating moment of my life.

and then...

I watched Voldemort stand up from where I killed him.

I watched my one true wish come true. The sight in front of me was every desperate prayer of my life answered, my every feverish dream come to life- and it took every ounce of logic and sanity I held to stop myself from going to Him.

To NOT stop here, in this moment in time, and run into his arms and feel him. Feel our souls entwine again...

but I couldn't- I can't baby I can't I want to YoUR MiNE all mine I CAN't

At this point in time, Voldemort was vulnerable. I had made him vulnerable.

So no. It wasn't time. Not yet. Just a little more baby, just a little bit more time and we can be together again…

By the time I reached my destination, it felt like my organs had been twisted into new shapes, and my head was pounding- full of images that I wished could have stayed forgotten. My throat hurt from all of the startled screams I let out as I watched myself destroy every chance at happiness I received. Chances that I had been so ignorant of- in fact, I was so oblivious, that I wanted to reach out and choke the life out of the person that I used to be.

A person who I barely recognized, but had always resented.

I watched Harry Potter destroy the love of my life, piece by beautiful piece. I watched him hold hands with traitors, and kiss people I had murdered in cold blood.

I couldn't understand the monster that I used to be… but it brought me some comfort to see everything flow backwards. I watched the sword leave the open locket that become whole again. I watched the cup be placed back into a secure vault, and the Dragon guarding it put back into its proper place.

I also watched people who should have been dead and gone dragged into hell-

Come back to life.

It almost felt like a gift. All I had to do was find them, and then I would have the opportunity to show them the justice that they had rightly deserved but never received in my first life.

I knew that in the past I was a shield. I protected the Wizarding World from a man who they promised was evil. I ignored the similarities between us, I ignored our shared soul- I even ignored the part of myself that shriveled at the thought of harming Him- and I protected those vermin.

This time, I was going to be the sword. I was going to be His sword- and I was going to mutilate those vermin until they knew their proper place.

The last memory I experienced before everything around me faded into a pleasant Blue, was the sight of me and those traitors at what I think was a wedding.

When my cozy little sphere left the Blue Void, and entered a world of darkness, I sat up tall and prepared myself for battle. It was here- it was finally here-

My chance at redemption.

I'm coming sweetheart, you just need to wait a moment longer -I'll keep you safe this time , I swear- nothing will gEt in oUR way- i wiLL DeStROY EveRYtHiNG thAt gETs iN oUR wAy.

At first they thought that their eyes were playing tricks on them- or that maybe this creature had skimmed their thoughts and donned a disguise to put them at ease.

But then they felt it, the familiar pull of another wizard casting magic. It was subtle, and the average Witch and Wizard almost never consciously knew what this feeling was- but the Unspeakables had trained themselves to detect even the slightest change in the flow of magic around them. It was required for their job.

And because of this skill, they were able to identify this being as someone from their world, or at least, a world that was parallel to their own.

Was he-

Was he really Harry Potter?

McAlister took a step foreword, knowing that his colleagues would expect him to take the lead. But before the leader of the Death Chamber Unspeakables could even open his mouth, they were under attack.

All of their wrists were suddenly seized tightly by invisible wires, and they watched in shock and terror as all of their wands clattered to the floor as they were hoisted into the air. The ones that started to scream were abruptly silenced by invisible wires wrapping around their necks as well.

The probable Harry Potter imposter stretched lazily, before conjuring up a long-sleeved black shirt, and slipping it over his pale skin. It clung to him, and emphasized his tiny waist which they had only gotten a glimpse of before they were too busy panicking.

He looked…

Harry Potter smiled a smile that took Unspeakable McAlister's breath away.

The intruder who might have been Harry Potter, and might not have been, seemed to almost sway as he walked towards them.

He paused in front of the one who had so bravely stepped foreword to confront him, his green eyes soft and enchanting as he curled around the flustered Unspeakable like an ivy vine twining around a tree.

This close, McAlister could see that Harry Potter looked older than he thought he would. More like a young adult, then the scrawny teen whose pictures he'd glimpsed in newspapers.

He was also stunningly beautiful.

McAlister felt his face burn red as Harry Potter curled his fingers around his jaw, and tilted open his mouth.

When the beautiful man leaned in close, all McAlister could focus on was the other's pretty lips as they parted. McAlister found that when he expected a kiss, all he felt was a horrible rush of cold throughout his body.

He was dead before he could feel despair at not getting the kiss he expected.