Thank you again for your reviews, everybody. I haven't said much about it, but I am reading them, and when somebody comments it boosts my motivation to continue.
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Satsuki took a moment of hesitation before entering Ryuko's room, not certain what her reaction to seeing her would be. However, when Ryuko saw her come in, she wasn't upset, fortunately, but she did sit straight up, a bit surprised.
"Nee-san! What are you doing here? Geez, don't tell me Mako asked you to come out here." Ryuko guessed, scoffing.
"Yes. But it was no trouble, really. I'll gladly leave if you don't want me here." Satsuki said, before approaching her. It could have just been her imagination as it was hard to tell due to the baggy shirt Ryuko was wearing, but it looked like she had lost some weight. To top it off, there were black rings under her eyes, implying lack of proper sleep. Maybe nightmares? If so, she wouldn't be surprised given everything that happened. It wasn't like she herself didn't suffer from them as well.
"No, it's fine. I just wasn't expecting you to come here is all." Ryuko muttered, crossing her legs and resting her chin in the palm of her hand.
"...Do you mind if I sit next to you?" Satsuki asked, subconsciously expecting Ryuko to turn her away in any second. In all honesty she would deserve it if she did.
"Yeah, sure, go right ahead. It's not like I can stop you..." Ryuko said sarcastically, scooting over a bit, but there wasn't any aggression behind it, so Satsuki took it as an okay, sitting on Ryuko's left side.
"I heard from Mako that you haven't been eating well?" Satsuki inquired. Ryuko quickly turned her head away.
"Yeah, and so what if I haven't? Why's everybody so upset about how much I've been eating? It's my body, I'll do whatever I want to with it." Ryuko retorted, as she looked away. Her eating habits weren't something she wanted to talk about right now at all. However, the memory of Senketsu popped into her head and she gave a solemn smile, her mood doing a complete 180. "Senketsu… he always used to nag me about my BMI too. He told me to lay back on the croquettes..."
"Is that why-" Satsuki started to ask, but Ryuko cut her off.
"No, it's not that if you're wondering. It's like I've said numerous times before, I'm just not that hungry, okay? Why is that so hard to understand?!" Ryuko raised her voice, irritated by the endless questions. Immediately after, guilt crept up into her chest, afraid that Satsuki would leave her side. She looked down, hair shadowing her eyes. She hadn't intended to snap at her, the words just came out. "Sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you, I just…"
Satsuki paused, considering her words, but dared to press the topic in the end. Before she did, however, she let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding in. Was this feeling… fear? What was there to be afraid of? If Ryuko chose to push her away, she had already prepared for that since arriving here. And yet, she knew down deep that she was afraid. Afraid of losing the only family she had left; the sister she thought had died all those years ago.
As she had thought numerous times, her little sister that was suffering in front of her right now and needed as much support as she could get.
She couldn't leave her now, not like this. Because if she did, it felt like she would never be able see her again. She had to take initiative, even if it was unwanted.
"It is fine… And I'm well aware that you probably don't want to hear this from me, but you need to take care of yourself, Ryuko… I can tell they're all very worried about you, as am I..."
Who am I to say such things after what I did earlier? I have no right to lecture her on this matter seeing as I can't even properly control my own emotions anymore.
Satsuki once again cursed herself. She knew she wasn't in any place to be giving advice, but Ryuko was what was important right now.
At hearing Satsuki's genuine concern, Ryuko felt even worse for getting so grouchy with her.
"Geez, look, I'll try to eat something later if I feel like it, alright...? Mako kinda talked to me about it earlier. I already know that everybody's been worried about me… I just… I keep getting sick anytime I think about it, y'know… I really miss him..." Ryuko muttered after a brief pause, feeling tears already forming in her eyes again. Her voice cracked. Satsuki remained silent choosing to allow her to let her heart out. "It's like... no matter what I do, the pain won't go away. I can't stop seeing him burning in those god damned flames. It happens over and over again, just like with my dad… I feel so stupid for being this upset about it, but Senketsu wasn't just some piece of clothing, damn it. He..."
Memories of being in Junketsu once again haunted her. The things she said even before that.
"Get away from me. I'm done with you. I'm never putting you on again!"
"...He was my friend, and I treated him like garbage…!"
Uncontrollable sobs wracked her body, as she pulled in on herself.
Satsuki felt her chest constrict at hearing Ryuko say such things, and something inside of her wanted more than anything to wrap her arms around her and console her, but the thought almost immediately made her feel dirty as soon as it came.
Realistically, she knew sisters hugged all the time, there wasn't supposed to be anything wrong about it, but Ragyo had long since destroyed that normal prospect of a normal family for her. As it was, she would always subconsciously associate physical contact with 13 years of being violated and tainted in the name of "purification". She hated it and yet she wondered if this was some other form of punishment she deserved for her crimes.
Despite that, she opted to give what comfort she could with her words alone. "Ryuko, you aren't stupid. What you're feeling right now is completely normal given the circumstances… If anybody should be feeling sorry right now, it's me… I tried to use Senketsu as a weapon, and I hurt both of you as well as many others in the process, so even if you still hated me after everything I did, I wouldn't blame you for it… In all honesty, I don't even know if I have a right to be here right now."
Satsuki had to avert her gaze after that. She didn't want to unload on Ryuko, but she at least deserved to hear that much from her, if nothing else.
Ryuko's sobs came to a halt when Satsuki said those words. She looked up at her with tear filled eyes, before finding herself leaning a head on her shoulder without thinking about it. Satsuki felt herself tense up at the unexpected physical contact and brush of fabric against her bandaged arm, but in the end, she didn't push her off. Something told her Ryuko needed this.
"...I never… hated you…" Ryuko murmured weakly, her voice horse. "Not after I realized the truth. I was just hurt... and confused... After our dad was killed, I felt lost on what to do and where to go. It hurt so much. Even now, it still does and probably will for a while. But the only ones I hate are Ragyo and that bitch Nui Harime… They ruined both of our lives..."
At hearing that, Satsuki felt both relief but also disappointed for some reason. She was almost happy that Ryuko didn't hate her, and yet it wasn't what she anticipated. She didn't deserve to be forgiven, especially not by the baby sister whom she'd failed to protect.
"Even so…" Ryuko started in again. "I feel like it was all my fault somehow… If I had been stronger, then maybe I could have done something and Senketsu and our dad wouldn't have had to..."
Ryuko frustratingly clutched the fabric on Satsuki's sleeve, choking back yet another sob.
Satsuki's heart ached. Even though it felt wrong, as she once again remembered all the times Ragyo had touched her, she tried her best to remind herself it was just her imagination, she reached up despite her hesitance and gently placed a hand on Ryuko's head. "It's not your fault, Ryuko… You shouldn't blame yourself. There's nothing at all you could have done differently. I've often wondered the same about our father as well, wishing I had been stronger, thinking maybe I could have saved him if I had known he was still alive, but, as you've said yourself, the only one to blame here is Ragyo and Harime."
"He died to get me to safety…" Ryuko muttered.
"That is true, but he saved you because he wanted you to live." Satsuki reasoned.
"Yeah, well, what's the point if he's not here with me?!" Ryuko snapped back, bringing Satsuki to silence. "I didn't... Nobody asked him to do that, damn it...! I would have rather it be me if it meant... he got to…! I..."
At this point, Ryuko didn't even know what was coming out of her mouth. All she knew was that the pain in her chest wouldn't stop. It hurts so bad.
Satsuki wanted to speak back up at recognizing the implication, but fortunately, she didn't need to.
"Don't say that…"
Because it was Mako that interrupted both of them. Satsuki and Ryuko looked up to see her standing in the door way.
Mako had tears in her eyes as she approached Ryuko. There was no telling how much she had heard but Ryuko immediately felt guilty for making her cry.
"Mako... I…" She started to sit up, pulling away from Satsuki. Mako pulled her into her arms to cut her off.
"Senketsu wouldn't want you to beat yourself up like this, Ryuko-chan… So please... you can't… You can't say those kinds of things…" Mako pulled back to look her in the eye and unable to stop her tears from falling. "If I lost you, I don't know what I would do. Is that why you haven't been eating? Because you want to die?"
Their noses were almost touching and Mako was desperate for an answer. Ryuko knew she had to do something. It hadn't been her intentions to get her girlfriend all upset and worried about her like that.
Reaching up, she gently cupped her cheeks.
"Hey, calm down...," She wiped away Mako's tears, briefly leaning forward to peck her on the lips. "I promise it's not like that. I'm not gonna do anything, cuz I still got you and Nee-san, and everybody else. Just like you said, remember?"
In truth, she didn't know what she had meant or even what she really wanted right now. She did feel alone but did she really want to die? That definitely wasn't it, and even if the thoughts were there sometimes, she refused to do that to Mako, or anybody else.
"Mn-hm..." Mako murmured.
"Good, now stop crying already. You know I can't stand seeing you all worked up about me." Ryuko, teased, trying her best to offer reassurance, as she pinched Mako's cheeks.
Satsuki had turned away, feeling rather awkward by the whole situation. She was truly happy that her sister had somebody there for her, but did they really have to be so affectionate with each other in front of her?
Briefly, she found herself thinking of Nonon. Were it not for the things with Ragyo, or the things she herself had done, maybe they could be like that as well. It was a thought she'd been having quite frequently as of late, even despite her fear of intimacy, but she quickly scolded herself. It wouldn't work out, for multiple reasons. She knew that. And it was selfish of her to even consider it after rejecting her so harshly.
Suddenly her arm began to itch, guilt creeping up in her stomach. She hadn't even called her to apologize.
"Oh, that reminds me!" Mako's voice interrupted her thoughts. "Mom said she's making croquettes for dinner and she wants you to join us, Satsuki-sama! She also says you're free to stay the night since you're already here and it's getting late."
"I appreciate the offer, but I would really hate to impose." Satsuki said, feeling awkward about suddenly being put on the spotlight.
"But it's really no trouble at all! After all, you're Ryuko-chan's big sister, so you're automatically part of this family as much as Ryuko-chan is!" Mako smiled with insistence.
"Just go with it, Nee-san. There's no point in trying to detour her." Ryuko reached up and pulled Mako into a hug. "You know Mako, when she has her mind set on something, nothing in the world can stop her."
Satsuki gave a small chuckle at hearing that, deciding there was no point in arguing against it when she saw Mako's determined face. "Alright then. If you insist, I suppose I don't mind."
"Great! I'll go let Mom know right now! You two can come on down whenever you want, okay? Dinner should be ready pretty soon." Mako told her.
"Right. We'll do that." Satsuki said, as Ryuko looked away at the mention of dinner.
"Ryuko-chan, please say you'll try to eat something this time, even if it's only a little bit." Mako pled, hoping for some kind of different response than Ryuko had been giving her for days.
"I… Look, fine. I'll try, alright? But I won't make any promises." Ryuko fortunately gave it to her.
"That's alright. That's all I ask. Welp, I'm headed downstairs now to help her set up." Mako told them before humming a tune leaving the two sisters alone.
Ryuko's smile faltered and she looked down.
"Earlier, you asked if I was okay with you being here. How could I not be? You're the only family I have left. I consider them family too, but you know what I mean… You coming out here and talking to me… It really means a lot, so urm... thanks, I guess..." Ryuko murmured the last part barely loud enough to hear, feeling her face heat up a bit in awkwardness.
Satsuki's eyes widened ever so slightly in response, before she responded in kind. "Don't mention it. We should probably go ahead and head downstairs."
"Yeah…" Ryuko said sheepishly, as she got up to follow her big sister down into the kitchen.
A/N: I hope I didn't make things seem weird because that definitely wasn't my intentions, Satsuki has a very serious trauma to work through regarding physical contact. There's not supposed to be anything bad associated with hugging a sister, but when you're used to being violated by your own family, a mother or parent no less, it's sometimes very hard to move past that and see physical contact as anything but that, especially considering she dealt with that her entire childhood under Ragyo. Maybe there's even a subconscious self-induced fear of becoming like Ragyo or her actions being interpreted as such, even though Satsuki is nothing like Ragyo in heart, and would never do something like she did. I wanted to explore that with some level of realism. She needs to become a bit more comfortable with general physical contact and understand it's not always a bad thing before she could open up enough for a relationship with Nonon. Even so, she will get there eventually. I want to explore her becoming more comfortable to platonic and familial stuff first with Ryuko and then I'll move on to the romantic stuff with Nonon. Also finding a friend in Mako will help with some of that progression, I think. As for Ryuko, she's trying to wrap her head around the fact that she has a family member still alive and getting past grief is not by any means easy at all. I know when my grandma died I was having so many different confusing thoughts, and I hopefully explored some of them properly here, but I will continue to explore it. She's at least making a little progress which is great.