Once again, thank you all for the wonderful comments and favs everybody, I'm glad at least some people are enjoying this. This chapter was a particular challenge, but I hope some people enjoys it.
ALSO: THERE WILL BE MENTIONS OF STUFF FROM THE OVA/EPISODE 25 IN THIS, SO IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, I APOLOGIZE.
...
Satsuki didn't know how, but she'd found herself in the middle of a rather large meal. Matoro, Barazo, and Guts were chowing down faster than anybody else. Satsuki almost felt out of place, eating food from people who she had once enslaved. She didn't deserve this.
Why were they being so nice to her after everything she had done? None of this was right. Once again, her arm screamed at her, begging for her to rip it to even further shreds than she already had earlier that day, and she immediately grew frustrated, her mood souring even more.
Where are these thoughts even coming from?
She had only done it once and already the desire to see more blood was practically consuming her. No, she couldn't do that again. Yet, against her wishes, the doubt remained that she would be able to stop herself again if the urge became too strong.
"What's wrong, Satsuki-chan? Are the croquettes not to your liking? I can always make something different if you really want me to." Sukuyo inquired to Satsuki, who had barely touched anything on her plate.
"No, you mussn't trouble yourself. It's not that, I assure you. Your food is even more delicious than the last time I tried it. " Satsuki smiled, before taking another bite.
"Then make sure to eat it all up, okay? Young girls like yourself need lots of nutrition to stay strong and healthy." Sukuyo said, then turned her gaze to Ryuko. "That means you too, Ryuko-chan."
"Oh, yeah, right… Sorry, Oba-san..." Ryuko looked down sheepishly after being reminded that she hadn't touched anything at all, gaining the attention of from Satsuki and Mako.
"Ryuko-chan, please, you told me you would try to eat something." Mako pled. "Mom even put extra hard work into her croquettes tonight so you have to try them…!"
"Yeah, I know. I just…" Ryuko murmured. Her stomach was twisting in agony at the thought of eating anything at all.
"Ryuko, it's fine. Just take one or two bites if that's all you can handle. Nobody's forcing you to finish it." Satsuki offered her advice in a low voice.
"Yeah! Yeah! What she said. Just try some, okay?" Mako held up a croquette to her mouth, causing Ryuko to blush a bit when she caught everybody else's eyes on her.
"Okay, alright. But just a few..." She insisted, leaned forward and eating the one offered to her.
Mako was more than happy when Ryuko ate three more, deciding it was better than nothing.
Satsuki too wasn't any less relieved that Ryuko had finally chosen to eat, but she still knew her well enough to know that if left up to her, she would go right back to neglecting her health. Ryuko needed Mako right now, perhaps more than she ever had before.
Satsuki took a sip of the tea Sukuyo had made. It didn't taste like Soroi's, of course, and was much sweeter than the black tea she was used to, but it was wonderful regardless. Tea in general was good, so it was fulfilling.
She slowly finished the rest of her food, watching in silence as Ryuko and Mako continued chatting away.
That was until Matoro suddenly inquired about the bandages on her arm out of nowhere, getting way too personal for comfort. "Woah, what happened to your arm? That's a lot of bandages..."
Satsuki's blood ran cold. She felt her face heat up when she noticed that everybody was suddenly looking at her. Damn, she had more or less completely forgotten about making sure her arm was completely hidden.
As fast as she could manage, she pulled her arm out of view, holding up her uninjured hand up to cover her other, avoiding eye contact. "It's nothing, just a simple accident is all. But it's alright now, so you don't need to worry about it…
"You sure, Nee-san?" Ryuko asked, chipping in out of some level of concern but not wanting to put too much pressure on her. "Mako's dad here is a doctor, remember? So I'm sure he wouldn't mind giving it a look if you needed him to."
"Yeah, I've treated your sister's injuries on numerous occasions now, so I'm totally fine with looking at yours too if the need arises." Barazo offered as it was brought to his attention.
"No, it's… fine." Satsuki briefly hesitated, her voice weaker voice than intended.
Ryuko could tell something was up just by her body language alone. Satsuki never acted like this, not even back when she was about to shut down the academy, so she was clearly hiding something. Still, it's not it was really any of her business, so she decided to avoid pressing it. It couldn't be anything that bad, right?
"Well, if you say so." Barazo smiled. "Just lemme know if you need something, okay? I'm always here to help."
"I know. Thank you." Satsuki tried her best to regain her composure, but failed to return the smile. It was like suddenly, her mind was spiring in hundreds of different directions, no better than earlier. Her heart was pounding loudly in her chest, as she considered numerous possibilities. What if they found out the truth? Surely, they would think her weak or childish for not being able to control herself.
Was deciding to stay the evening a mistake, after all?
Briefly she thought about Ryuko's words earlier.
"You're the only family I have left..."
No, she was here for her. It just meant she would have to try harder to keep her arm covered, but she wouldn't leave as long as Ryuko still wanted her here. And yet that conclusion didn't help lighten her mood at all. Ryuko had Mako so what good would her being here really do for anybody? How could Ryuko even call her a sister? She had been anything but good to her, using and manipulating her and the people she cared about for her own ends.
The thought disgusted her.
Despite her previous choice to not get involved, Ryuko found herself growing increasingly worried for Satsuki upon seeing her mood shifting, and began wondering if she should say something, after all.
However, right as she began questioning that, she found herself being pulled upstairs by an overly excited Mako, who also insisted Satsuki come with them as well. The thought almost immediately slipped her mind.
…
"So I'm thinking we should probably change into some night clothes even if we're not going to bed yet. I'll get Satsuki-sama a night gown that she can use.
Satsuki truthfully wanted long sleeves to cover the bandages on her arm but somehow she felt that would only make her look more suspicious so decided she would have no choice but to take what was offered to her.
"Here. The bathroom is in the room across the hall from us so you can also take a bath if you need to." Mako smiled holding it out.
I see. Thank you." Satsuki said politely as she took the gown in her arms.
A bath was probably a good idea if only to clean the dried blood off her arm that was sticking so harshly to the bandages. She hadn't known she was going to be staying over, however, so she could only hope they had some bandages in the bathroom to replace her old ones with because it would be pointless to clean her arm if she had nothing to dress it with.
…
Fortunately, they did have some in the medicine cabinet so she decided it would be fine.
Reaching down and turning on the faucet, she drew water into the bathtub, before slipping off her clothes. She removed the old bloodied bandages from her arm, throwing them into the trash can and obscuring them underneath some garbage that was already in it.
Once the water was ready, she stepped into the tub. Satsuki tried her best not to think of past unpleasant memories with bathing, but it seemed like Ragyo was insistent on ruining her even after death and she resisted the urge to throw up.
Damn it.
The bitch's hands wouldn't stop, they never stopped.
"Humans are such frail things, are they not? When they become naked like this, they become so unbearably uncomfortable. They are immediately overcome with the desire to cover themselves in the miraculous thing that is clothing. That is instinct."
Shut up…
"A species that defies it's instincts will eventually… fall into ruin."
Clawing her arm in a desperate attempt at calming her nerves, she felt bile rising to her throat. Cold fingers prodded at her body, groping her, even going inside of her.
Get off… of me…!
As her breathing became more and more erratic, she clutched tightly at her chest. She could hardly think. She felt dizzy, light headed, almost like her oxygen supply was being cut off.
Within a few seconds she stumbled over to the toilet, just as she had earlier that day, throwing up the majority of what she had on her stomach.
That was when something inside of her mind just snapped and the urge to rip her skin to pieces became too strong.
She needed something sharp; something that would silence that damned voice of Ragyo's, even if only for a while.
Her body acting on autopilot, she sifted through drawer after drawer until she finally found what she was looking for.
A safety razor. Certainly better than nothing else. At the very least it would get the job done.
Breaking apart the plastic, she tore out one of the blades, slicing her finger in the process. This time she turned her focus to her other uninjured arm, slashing harshly into the flesh. The sting and sight of the blood almost immediately brought her back to her senses, helping to keep her grounded. And even so she couldn't stop herself from continuing. Her body kept telling her she needed more.
Guilt for every little thing she had ever done weighed on her chest, giving her all the less reason to resist.
"What about your "lofty" ambitions, then? Look at this scorched wasteland. Is this your ambition? A necessary sacrifice? Is this the way you use the power of life fibers?"
Ryuko's voice echoed in her head, as she recalled the immeasurable amount of damage she'd caused Osaka, buildings destroyed, the smell of fire all around her, Ryuko's hate filled eyes. Regardless of what her intentions had been, nothing would ever make any of that okay.
Never...
Thoughts she thought she had long since buried resurfaced out of nowhere, consuming her against her wishes and the razor blade in her hand began taunting her.
Perhaps Hohomaru leaving her alive was a mistake, after all. Maybe it would be better for everybody if she just ended it. After all, what reason did she have to continue living now that Ragyo had been taken out? Her entire life's ambition had been fulfilled. She had no further purpose nor a reason to live.
But Ryuko… If she found her like that...
"You're the only family I have left."
No.
Satsuki threw the blade in her hand at the wall, feeling frustrated tears well up in her eyes at hearing it clatter on the floor.
She couldn't do that to her. Not to Ryuko. Not to her baby sister.
Curling up and wrapping her arms around her legs, she silently cursed herself for having such disgusting thoughts. She watched as blood freely dripped into the water beneath her, dying it crimson.
Damn it… What's gotten into me…? I need to control myself. Nothing good could possibly come of some petty addiction like this.
Just like last time, she tried to rationalize it again, swearing to herself that she would never pick up a blade for such a trivial purpose again, and yet, looking at the recently created wounds now covering both of her arms, something inside of her felt a sense of calmness despite everything, like it was nothing short of deserved.
Was it punishment, after all? If that was the case... if it made Ragyo's hands and voice stop, then what reason was there to quit this?
Was it not a means of survival instead of death? The gashes on her arms symbolized her sins, as well as the abuse she had endured under Ragyo... It was a physical proof of things she couldn't even bring herself to speak of, and most importantly retribution for the heinous actions which she could never make up for.
Coming upon that realization is when everything made sense. This was the path she'd chosen. This was her resolve.
She needed to feel this pain, these wounds, if only to stay alive, to survive, if not for herself then solely for her sister. For Ryuko and the few people in her life that had stayed by her side for years. Nonon would probably never forgive her if she did something like taking her own life, so the only choice for now was to live, no matter what means she had to use in order to do so.
For now anyway.
…
So this chapter turned out much darker than I originally anticipated, but honestly after rewatching Episode 25 (the OVA) and talking with others, I was thinking that Satsuki showed open signs of being passively if not actively suicidal and was definitely depressed due to not knowing exactly what to do after achieving her goals. I plan to explore that quite a bit throughout this story.
Again, I really hope somebody enjoyed this chapter and would love to hear feedback if possible because it was very hard to write. ;w;