A/N: Decided a temporary change in setting because I'm wanting to get Nonon involved too, but, don't worry, we'll be back to the Mankanshokus soon enough. Also, there's some inspiration from the OVA which is why Satsuki's acting like she is. In the OVA she showed open signs of being borderline suicidal and depressed. It just tore me to pieces but it's great for content, so anyway. Onto the story.
Ever since Satsuki's panic attack, she had been much quieter than before, making occasional comments on discussions and stuff, but Ryuko could tell that her heart wasn't in it. She still didn't know many of the details of the nightmare Satsuki had had. Right now she could only assume, and seeing her depressed like this, it really hurt.
"I think it is about time I should leave." Satsuki said that evening with a solemn look on her face to Ryuko. "I fear I might end up overstaying my welcome if I don't."
Hadn't she already caused enough trouble as it was? Getting Ryuko worried about her certainly wasn't part of her plan.
Ryuko, however, seemed much more disappointed than Satsuki had anticipated.
"Wait, already? Don't you wanna stay a little longer?" She asked, practically begging her.
Satsuki felt guilt consume her chest and she looked away. It wasn't that she wanted to leave Ryuko's side but she was certain being here had only been counterproductive to Ryuko's recovery.
"I am sorry, but I really should be getting back home." Satsuki said. Without even realizing what she was doing, she softly stoked Ryuko on the top of her head in a reassuring manner to keep her from being too upset. "Do not worry, I can come back if you want me to."
Ryuko blushed a bit at the affection, but she wasn't satisfied in the slightest. For the first time in forever, she actually felt somewhat happier than usual. Even if Satsuki was worrying the hell out of her, it was as Mako said, they were still family and they had a chance to fix what had been taken from them by circumstances, to completely start over from scratch. Even if it was only a little longer, she wanted to spend as much time as she could with her new found family. A big sister, something she would have never even dreamed of having.
Besides, after losing Senketsu, it was especially hard to manage her current feelings. Even if it was only for a little bit longer, she wanted to spend more time with her, get to know her better. That wasn't even mentioning how worried she had been for her since that morning.
"Then let me come with you!" Ryuko shouted out in response, receiving a surprised look from Satsuki. It took a moment to process what she had just said. She scratched her cheek awkwardly. "Wait, I mean… I was just thinking that I'm gonna be going back to high school in a month from now, so… Maybe spending a little bit of time together as family before then would be… a good thing? It's totally cool if you don't want to, I was just thinking… maybe a few days or something…"
"It is fine. I am aware of what you meant." Satsuki said softly. "And I will not stop you if you are certain that that is what you really want to do. Will she coming as well?"
Down deep, Satsuki was happy, but also felt sort of insecure at the prospect of Ryuko staying with her, afraid that she wouldn't be able to provide all the emotional support her she needed right now. And with her own current issues, her concerns were even greater.
"Oh, yeah. About that..." Ryuko turned to Mako, "Mako, do you want to come with me, or…?"
"Hmm… Nah, I think I'll just stay here with Mom and Dad, unless you really want me to come. After all, it's only for a few days, right? You can always call me if you need something. Besides, you finally have a chance to bond with Satsuki-sama, isn't that great?" Mako said excitedly.
"Y-Yeah." Ryuko smiled a bit awkwardly. In truth, she was really happy about it, but she couldn't express that very well and saying that in front of Satsuki would only be embarrassing. "I'll get my stuff. I don't have a lot so it won't take me long."
"Alright. Take your time. I will be waiting at the front door in the meantime." Satsuki said as she began heading down stairs.
"Oh, Satsuki-chan, are you leaving?" Sukuyo saw her when she entered the kitchen area.
"Yes. However, I appreciate you allowing me to stay the night. I hope it wouldn't be a problem if I borrowed Ryuko for a few days." Satsuki smiled.
"No, of course not. She is your sister after all, so spend as much time with her as you'd like. It may not seem like it, but she's been a lot happier ever since you came over." Sukuyo told her.
"I would say thank you, but your daughter deserves far more credit than I. I only did what I felt was right in the moment, but she's the one who truly understands Ryuko, better than I could ever hope to." Satsuki felt awkward at receiving such praise.
"Oh, don't be so modest now, dear. Ryuko-chan looks up to you more than you even know." Sukuyo smiled.
Satsuki considered her words with deep thought before looking down and subconsciously grasping her arm where her injuries lied. "...I am afraid I am not deserving of such things. For her to hold me in such a high regard, much less see me as her sister , after everything I did to her- it's imperceivable… If anything, you all should hate me for the things I've done."
"On the contrary, dear, we're grateful to you. If not for you and Ryuko-chan, this planet would have been destroyed." Sukuyo pointed out, catching Satsuki off guard. "Most kids would have ran away in your situation, but you stuck your ground anyways and did whatever you had to to save humanity from that terrible mother of yours."
"Yes, but…" Satsuki started to say. However, Sukuyo beat her to it.
"No 'buts' about it, young lady." Sukuyo suddenly went into her assertive 'mom mode' and it automatically became clear where Mako got her personality from. "All you have to do from now on is live and move forward with your life. After all, you're still just a teenager and teenagers are supposed to listen to their elders when they tell them something."
Satsuki, however, didn't seem so sure about it. She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, avoiding eye contact until Sukuyo gently took her hand to get her attention.
"Look at me… It's totally fine for you to have regrets sometimes. It just proves you have a good heart. Still, you can't let your past dictate what kind of life you're allowed to have from here on out. Do you understand what I'm saying...?"
"...Yes, I think so… Thank you…" Satsuki said sheepishly. It was rare for her to feel this way, but hearing such kind words left her at a near loss of words on how to respond. Satsuki had never had a good experience with the concept of what a mother was supposed to be like, but this woman... she was truly kind, the kind of mother something deep inside of her had always wished Ragyo had been like.
Sukuyo gave a pain filled smile, looking back down at Satsuki's hand again. "...Also… There's something I've been wanting to ask you about,, if you wouldn't mind."
"What is it…?" Satsuki gazed back up at her.
Sukuyo was hesitant for a moment before asking, not wanting to make Satsuki uncomfortable. "Those injuries on your arm, the ones beneath your bandages… They're… not actually from an accident, are they...?"
Satsuki was immediately caught off guard. She looked down, her face filled with guilt, knowing fully well what Sukuyo was implying.
"...How could you tell?" Her voice was weaker than usual, not certain how Sukuyo was going to respond, afraid that she was going to be judged for being so weak.
"Well, I am a mother and my husband is a doctor, so you could say I just have a knack for spotting these sorts of things." Sukuyo reminded her. The truth was both her and Barazo had had their suspicions for a while now, Sukuyo just needed a confirmation from Satsuki herself.
Satsuki noted what she was saying. "…If you already knew, then why did you only bring it up now...?"
"Because I didn't want to scare you or make a scene in front of the others… I know talking about that sort of thing can be really hard for some people, so I wanted to wait until you were a bit more comfortable before asking about it. You don't have to tell me why you did you it, but…" Sukuyo started a bit reluctantly, not wanting to sound too pushy. "have you… ever maybe considered getting a therapist to talk about… you know… your mother …? What you went through because of her… I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like."
Satsuki, however, immediately made her stance clear, bangs shadowing her eyes. "I appreciate your concern, but I have no need for a therapist. Talking about the past will not change anything..."
"...I figured you might say that…" Sukuyo sighed, feeling at a loss of what to do. "...Do you at least have somebody you could go to when you feel like that? Like a friend maybe?"
"A friend…" Satsuki murmured. The only purpose that really came to mind was Nonon, but asking her for advice on this after rejecting her would be nothing short of selfish. "There is one, but bothering her with such trivial matters would be selfish of me. This is my problem to deal with and nobody else's."
The last sentence came out harsher than intended, as she glared at her feet.
Right before Sukuyo could speak back up, Ryuko was already headed down stairs.
"Okay, I've got my stuff. I'm ready to go whenever you are." Ryuko grinned excitedly.
"In that case, I suppose we will be going now." Satsuki placed a hand on her sister's head like she had earlier before turning back to Sukuyo. "I should have her back here in few days give or take so try not to worry about her too much, alright?"
"Take care of her, Satsuki-chan. You too, Ryuko-chan. Sisters need to look out for each other, right?" Sukuyo said, a bit saddened to hear how Satsuki wanted to carry such a burden alone. Ryuko blushed a bit as Sukuyo pulled her into a hug.
"I know it may not seem like it, but Satsuki-chan needs your support right now just as much as you need hers, so keep an eye out for her." Sukuyo whispered to her.
"Yeah, I know…" Ryuko whispered back with a downcast look. "That's part of why I'm going."
"RYUUUUUKO-CHAN!" Mako suddenly flew down stairs, startling both Ryuko and Satsuki. "Hughughughughug!"
"Woah, hey, calm down!" Ryuko laughed a bit as Mako flung herself on her. "I'm hugging you now, aren't I?"
"Yeah, but now I want a kiss too before you go." Mako insisted, stealing one from her. Ryuko's face turned bright red because of the fact that both Sukuyo and Satsuki were watching them, but she happily returned it anyway.
"Alright, I'll see you again in a few days, so take care of yourself, Mako." Ryuko said, pulling away, before she returned to Satsuki's side.
"I wiiiill. You don't need to worry about me." Mako reassured her, as they took their leave.
Sure, it would be a bit lonely without Ryuko around, but she would manage. Besides, if not for Satsuki, Ryuko would probably just be laying in bed right now, so seeing her this motivated for a change offered a huge amount of reassurance. Even if Ryuko did fall into another one of her depressive states again, she at least wouldn't be alone. Satsuki was there for her and right now, even she could tell giving them that space to make those calls for themselves was the best option.
...
"We're here."
"Holy crap… Wait, you live here ?! You never told me you owned a mansion , Nee-san!" The first thing Ryuko had noticed when they arrived at Satsuki's place was, of course, the size of her house. "This place is friggen huge!"
"I would have thought it would have been possible to assume, considering my status, but I suppose not." Satsuki noted quietly as Ryuko followed her into the house.
"It's looks even bigger from the inside. Hey, didn't you have a butler before?" Ryuko inquired.
"I assume you mean Soroi. And the answer to your question is yes, but I relieved him of his duties not too long ago. I live alone. Now that REVOCS went bankrupt and Ragyo is out of the picture, I have no further need for servants." Satsuki explained simply. "Do you want some tea?"
"Sure, as long as it's not poisoned." Ryuko joked a bit.
"Hmph." Satsuki scoffed a bit at Ryuko's remark. "Please. You should know by now that I have much more tact than to pull something that cowardly."
"True, that sounds more like something up Ragyo or Nui Harime's alley. Those bitches would pull some cheap trick like that." Ryuko muttered bitterly.
"Ragyo and Nui Harime knew nothing except cheap tricks to win their battles, and yet... I am not much better than them, especially Ragyo. If it meant achieving my goals, then I was prepared to do anything I had to, even trample over the lives and will of others to get the results I desired." Satsuki muttered bitterly.
"Nee-san…" Ryuko started to speak, when Satsuki handed her a glass with a downcast look on her face.
"Here." Satsuki said, receiving a small thanks from Ryuko. After a while, Ryuko spoke up again.
"...You're wrong, you know..." she muttered.
"Oh? How so?" Satsuki was clearly indifferent. She had already made up her mind on her feelings.
"...You're not... like them..." Ryuko told her, suddenly thinking of her own predicament as well.
"You did not know Ragyo as well as I did. I grew up around her and witnessed all of her worst traits first hand for years. Just knowing that I have the same face as that monster disgusts me."
"Yeah, well try having the same body as her! Have you forgotten that I'm a life fiber monster as well...?!" Ryuko suddenly snapped, catching her off guard. There we're tears in her eyes.
"Ryuko, I-" Satsuki cursed herself for what she had said.
Ryuko clenched her fists, and her voice was trembling. "I have to live with this goddamn reminder every single day that I'm not normal - that I never will be. Senketsu was the only person in the world that truly understood what I was going through, because he was a hybrid just like me, but now he's gone, just like our Dad and everybody else… Damn it… You really think I don't understand what it's like to be Ragyo's daughter... ?"
That was where any composure Ryuko had left just came crumbling down and something in her snapped, tears now freely flowing from her eyes. Satsuki hadn't expected her to fall to pieces just like that, but she shouldn't have been surprised. When a person was grieving, anything could set them off.
"No... I am sorry, Ryuko... I should not have said what I did without considering your feelings. I swear my intentions were not to upset you." Satsuki reached out and pulled Ryuko into an embrace in a desperate attempt to comfort her, knowing it was her own fault this time.
For the longest time, Ryuko didn't say anything in return, only tightly clutching at the fabric of Satsuki's shirt, letting out her feelings as they came.
Satsuki quite frankly felt terrible now.
"...Ryuko, after we finish our tea, why don't I show you around the manor?" She offered. "After all, since you are my sister, it is only natural that this house would be yours as well."
"Wait, you mean it?" Ryuko gawked at her in disbelief, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"Yes." Satsuki told her, holding up her spare key with a slight smirk.
Ryuko beamed, unable to resist from hugging her. "Holy shit, Nee-san, you really are the best! Thanks!"
Despite her initial discomfort, seeing Ryuko happy again was enough to make Satsuki forget about it.
"It is fine, really." She stroked the top of Ryuko's head. "But make sure you finish your tea first, okay?"
Ryuko immediately grinned. "You got it."
...
Ryuko had only stayed in a mansion one other time in her life which was back when she and Mako were running the fight club at Honnouji Academy, and yet she was pretty sure this was even larger.
What especially surprised her, however, was the size of the bath, which was the last thing Satsuki had to show her. She had already seen all the other rooms and temporarily placed her bag in the guest area.
Steam surrounded them as they approached the large bath.
So many bad memories were associated with this place which usually caused Satsuki to actively avoid it as much as possible. However, it was part of the house so she had no choice but to show it to Ryuko.
"This is the bath house." She said. "Feel free to soak yourself in the water at any time."
"...Hey wait, sisters bathe together all the time, right?" Ryuko thought out loud, a little awkwardly. "Then maybe... we could do that too sometime."
What she didn't expect, however, was Satsuki's reaction.
"No, I..." Satsuki turned her head away, grabbing the fabric of sleeve. This wasn't even about the wounds on her arm this time, but bathing with family… Even though it wasn't inherently wrong in their culture, Ragyo had… "I do not think that would be wise. It is nothing personal again you, but I think we should bathe separately."
It's not like Ryuko could have possibly known about her trauma and distrust associated with bathing around other people, but she didn't need to know about any of that. Nobody did .
Ryuko could , however, tell that Satsuki was genuinely bothered by it so it was probably best not to press the matter.
…
Later on, Satsuki ended up ordering Chinese food after clearing it with Ryuko. Ryuko had said she was okay with it, but Satsuki felt disappointed when she saw Ryuko hadn't touched anything in her plate at all, and yet she knew she should have expected this.
"Ryuko, you need to eat. I can always order something else if you don't want it." She offered.
"No, it's not that,...I'm just not hungry right now… I'll eat later." Ryuko said dismissively, avoiding eye contact. She didn't know where the agitation was even coming from, she was just... angry. She knew it wasn't rational, she always had Senketsu with her when she ate. Without him, it felt wrong, lonely .
Satsuki could already tell that Ryuko actually had no intentions to eat and was only saying she would 'later' to placate her. In reality, she would just keep putting it off.
"Ryuko-" Satsuki started to press the matter further and that was when something in Ryuko just… snapped . Again .
"Look, if I said I'm not hungry then I'm not hungry , so just drop it already...! Everybody keeps bugging me about my diet, it's so annoying...! I'll eat when I feel like it! It's none of your business...!" Ryuko only realized the things she had said afterwards, feeling a tinge of guilt in her chest, remembering how depressed Satsuki had been to begin with. What was she even saying? Why was she lashing out at her like this? It was like she was barely even able to control her emotions anymore. Sometimes she felt like bursting into tears, other times she just went off the rails with next to no reason at all.
Fortunately, due to their history, Satsuki was rather used to being a target of Ryuko's anger, so she wasn't really fazed by it, but that's not to say it was pleasant being shouted at either. And yet… she knew that Ryuko deserved to let off as much steam as she needed to. She was hurt and confused and that was okay. The best way to handle this was rationally. Retaliation would only make things worse.
"...I am sorry. My intentions were not to upset you. I suppose it was selfish of me to express concern for my baby sister, and yet I could not stop myself. Feel free to hit me for that as well, if it will help you feel better about what you're going through." Exhaustion seeped from her voice as Satsuki rubbed at her arm where her bandages were. She looked down, knowing whatever Ryuko chose to do she had no right to interfere at this point. Besides, she was the most resented woman in Japan, what was one more to hate her, even if that was her last surviving family member? She could take whatever Ryuko dished out at her. It was the least she could offer to ease the pain in her sister's heart.
"...Satsuki… Are you serious right now...?" Ryuko's anger immediately faded at seeing how defeated Satsuki looked.
She didn't know why she reverted to saying her first name again, but she did. Something about it just felt right with the situation. After all, this wasn't only about her sister anymore. This was about the woman who'd once so proudly stood up against their mother no matter how much she was knocked down and seeing her like this scared her more than she could even fathom.
The next words that left her mouth send a chill up Ryuko's spine:
"Yes. Go ahead. Is it not what I deserve?"
Ryuko grew silent at hearing that, worried by Satsuki's body language and afraid if she didn't say something now then she would really regret it. The look in her sister's eyes certainly wasn't one you'd from somebody who was trying to live, it was of somebody who'd almost given up on life, the same expression she had months ago. Truthfully, it scared her.
"...I… Look, I'm not gonna hit you, alright? I said some really shitty things just now. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that…" Ryuko muttered awkwardly.
When Satsuki didn't respond, almost seeming detached, Ryuko grew a bit disparaged desperate to get her to snap out of the funk.
"Hey, if it makes you feel better, I'll eat, okay?"
For a long moment Satsuki was quiet but then spoke up again.
"...I cannot help but question if it was wrong of me to desire a family, after all. I really am trying to help you,, but I fear I am only making everything worse just by being here."
Ryuko didn't exactly know what she meant by "here", but it was concerning nonetheless.
"Stop saying that!" Ryuko snapped, startling Satsuki a bit. "I thought I didn't have a right to have a family either, but Mako's family accepted me anyway. Maybe it's not really the exact same thing, but I want this too. For us to be able to be sisters. I took my anger out on you and that was wrong of me. I just… really don't want you to do anything reckless because of me… If I lost you, I…"
"I understand. As long as you need me, then I will stay." Satsuki gave a pain filled smile.
"Yeah, but even after that!" Ryuko insisted, gaining a surprised look from Satsuki. She didn't really know why she was giving this lecture; she frequently had those kinds of thoughts herself. "You can't… You can't just give up like that. You have so many people who care about you. Like that Jakuzure chick. I've never seen anybody more devoted to a person aside from Mako. If you did something, can you imagine how much that would hurt her?"
"Nonon… She confessed to me yesterday..." Satsuki mumbled, trying to change the subject in the best way she could. Even though romance wasn't a subject Satsuki liked talking about, anything was better than what they were currently discussing.
"Wait, really?" Ryuko was surprised, but smirked a bit at hearing that. "What did you say?"
"…I turned her down." Satsuki looked away.
"Why? Do you not like her?" Ryuko wanted to know, a bit disappointed. To be fair, she didn't know anything about Satsuki's sexual orientation or who she liked, so if she wasn't into girls that really wasn't surprising.
"No, it is not that." Satsuki clarified, basically confirming that she had feelings for Nonon as well. "It is just… There are many things I feel I would not capable of offering in a relationship."
She was hesitant to specify her hang ups, but Ryuko seemed to get it.
"Like what? Oh, you mean sex...?" Ryuko assumed.
"Yes..." Satsuki looked down a bit feeling uncomfortable about admitting it aloud. "Is sex not considered by most to be the basis of a relationship? If I said yes, I am almost certain she would expect that of me sooner or later and I have no desire for such a thing. It scares me. But it would be selfish of me to ask Nonon to deal with that."
Ryuko was silent for a moment, piecing everything together.
With Satsuki's fear of physical contact, she supposed it actually made sense, but when that connection hit her, she suddenly remembered all over again how Satsuki had mentioned that Ragyo had done something to her. That was when an unsettling possibility hit her like bricks, filling her with a sense of anger like none other. How she was even able to calm herself down she didn't know, but right now the last thing she wanted to do was scare Satsuki by questioning such a thing out of nowhere.
But would Ragyo really go that far-? Actually, shit question. She would . The bitch really had absolutely no limits she wouldn't cross, didn't she? Goddammit.
"You're wrong... If somebody truly loves you they won't care whether or not you have sex with them. I don't really care much about sex either and Mako is totally fine with that. So maybe you should talk it out with her and be completely honest about it. I'm sure she'd understand. And… Nee-san… You're not selfish… for not wanting that. Nobody has a right to make you feel like you don't have a choice about that sort of thing..."
"It wouldn't be the first time if something like that did happen , " Satsuki wanted to say, but kept the thought to herself.
"Perhaps, you are correct..." She uttered. And yet she was still uncertain about the concept of a relationship. She was barely okay with physical contact as it was.
So was it wrong then? Was it wrong that even now she still desired for Nonon to hold her hand and stay by her side like she always had? Honestly, she didn't know anymore.
"Course I am. Now come on, let's eat before our food gets cold. Giving you a pep talk like that kinda made me work up an appetite again." Ryuko blushed a bit, scratching her cheek as she gained a small smile from Satsuki.
…
Several hours later after eating their food, Ryuko found herself in the bedroom that Satsuki had offered her in the tour of her Manor, placing her bag on the dresser. It was nearing dusk, so the various shades of orange, purple, and yellow in the sky caught her eye from the window. The sight was beautiful.
She looked down at the key Satsuki gave her, a warmth enveloping her chest at the thought that Satsuki was really letting her share this place.
That happy feeling quickly dissipated, however, as she once again remembered Senketsu. Tears formed in her eyes and she clutched at the fabric of her shirt near her heart.
"I just wish… you were still here with me, Senketsu… I miss you so much…" She choked out.
Hearing the lack of a response hurt even more than it usually did for some reason.
She suddenly felt her legs weaken beneath her as she sunk to the floor, leaning her back against the bed for support. Silent sobs wracked her entire frame.
Something inside of her wished Mako were here right now to tell her that everything would be okay, to hug her, and yet nothing would ever be able to truly make up for Senketsu being gone.
Nothing in the world could take this pain away.
After what felt like an eternity, Ryuko felt Satsuki sit beside her on the floor.
Satsuki softly wrapped her arms around her, awkwardly offering comfort. "I am well aware than I cannot be there for you like Mako or Senketsu, but I figured you might at least want some company right now. If not, please just tell me and I will leave. I have no desire to overstep my bounds."
"It's fine… I don't want you to leave." Ryuko's voice was horse as she spoke, but her short response gave Satsuki all the answer she needed.
"I understand." Satsuki said, gently stroking the back of her head through her hair. "I will stay if that is what you want me to do."
Slowly, Ryuko found herself becoming relaxed in her embrace. It felt good. Only then did it really start to dawn her why the Elite Four and some of the others thought so highly of Satsuki.
Beneath the façade she had kept up for the Academy, she was genuinely a kind person. A part of her just wished that she'd seen it sooner.
Before she realized it, Ryuko had drifted off to sleep in her sister's arms.
Satsuki smiled softly as she looked down at her sleeping sister, who was leaning against her chest and lightly snoring. At first, she considered lifting her up and placing her on the bed, but she was afraid it might wake Ryuko up so in the end she decided to stay there with her. Ryuko had obviously been exhausted, so she needed as much sleep as she could get right now.
…
Hopefully I'll be back with more soon.