Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twlight. No copyright infringement is intended but Prince, PJ, Mack, and the plot is mine.

Thank you to everyone reading and reviewing! I know it's a little slow going at the moment, but hang in there with me!

Chapter 4

"Hi, Bella. It's nice to see you, too. Thanks so much for inviting me to dinner."

I give her a quick smile and continue getting dinner ready to serve. It's always a shock to me when I see Tanya. She's nothing like me, which isn't really a bad thing I guess, but it never ceases to give me a start for a second or two. She's taller than me, skinny, though finally a healthy skinny, not the skin and bones she was a few months ago. Her hair is long, blonde, and straight compared to my shoulder length dark brown and wavy. She has tattoos, though I usually try to avoid looking at the matching one she shares with Edward. Don't get me wrong, the artwork is beautifully done, and they fit her, it's just I don't have any. Blue eyes to my brown and her voice is this husky, scratchy tone that's deeper than mine. All in all, we're complete opposites in most every way. The only things we have in common is our love for dogs and for Maria and Leah. I suppose we both love Edward, but it's definitely not the same way.

She and Edward were together for a long time, close to eighteen years, so there's a lot of history there between them. Some of it good, some of it very bad. They married young, had their kids young and really, much like Riley and me, grew up together. She knows parts of him I'll never know. They have shared ups and downs and have a past I will never be a part of. It's hard, this meeting people, dating, falling in love when you're older stuff. I've tried to explain it to my kids, but there's really no way for them to understand how different it is when you're my age versus theirs.

Turning the burners off, I call everyone to the table. Harry walks in through the back door just as I'm about to text him, Peter following right behind. Prince, PJ, and Mack lead Sugar and Scarlett into the kitchen and for a few minutes its chaos with dogs barking and people talking and though it should probably make me wince, it fills me with a contentment that's been missing for a long time. These are my people. My kids are missing and well, Edward is, too, but this, right here, is what my life is about now.

Once I shoo the dogs out, everyone takes their seats at the table so we can eat.

"Thanks for letting me stay for dinner, Bella," Leslie grins at me around a bite of spaghetti.

"No problem, honey. You and Leah will be doing me a favor by taking the puppies out after dinner so they can get some fresh air."

Leah and Leslie start babbling about what they're going to do with the puppies which gives me a chance to speak to Tanya.

"How's your week been?" I ask her.

She's been quiet since we sat down to eat. I know she gets overwhelmed sometimes around so many people. But she's trying and that's really all anyone can ask of her.

"Good. Pretty calm but I've been staying busy. Maggie sent me a new client to work on, so I've been doing that mostly. I can't thank you enough, Bella, for recommending me to her."

I shrug my shoulders and ignore both Harry's and Peter's knowing looks sent my direction. "The business is really taking off now, so we need more people on the payroll. I'm glad it's working out. I figured it'd be something you could do at home on your own time then go to her office and help out when she needs you."

"I'm really enjoying it so far. Can't say I ever imagined I'd be a bookkeeper, but here we are."

I chuckle. "Girl tell me about it. Two years ago, I was working in an office forty hours a week and now look at me. Home with a house full of dogs and part owner of a bookkeeping payroll business. Just goes to show you never really know where life may lead you. You just have to be ready for the ride."

She looks like she wants to say something back but then she shakes her head a tiny bit and asks Leah a question about school. I let it go, knowing that she doesn't really like to talk too much about her situation in front of Leah. Or Harry and Peter. I get it so I don't press. She'll bring it up when it's just the two of us. I spend a few minutes catching up on the day's activities with Harry and Peter and make a plan for the rest of the week. Harry is taking a few of the dogs to a show this weekend, so we coordinate who is going to be showing which dog and make sure the booth is reserved and all the paperwork has been turned in.

Dinner doesn't take too long and while I clean up the dishes, waving off Harry and Peter's offer to help, I hear Tanya and Leah on the phone with Maria. With all the chaos when Tanya arrived, they didn't have time to talk before dinner which gives me a chance to let them have their space and visit for as long as they want.

"Mom, what do you think of this dress?" Maria asks Tanya.

Their conversation flows easily, the three of them talking and teasing one another and though maybe it should make jealous, at least a little bit, all it does is make me grateful. I grab my phone out of my pocket and find Emily's number in my recent call list and wait for the phone to ring.

"Hi, baby," I greet her when she answers, happy that she's not busy at the moment.

"Hi, Mom," she answers back, seemingly glad to hear from me.

"How's school going? When are you coming to visit, I miss you."

She sighs. "I miss you, too. Between work and school, there's always too much going on. It'll be soon though, I promise. I want to see the puppies before they get too big."

"I hate that you're so far away."

I can hear her eyeroll through the phone. "Austin is only five hours away from Lubbock. It's not like I'm across the country you know."

I grumble, "Well, it feels like it."

"You're just spoiled and used to having me and Seth around all the time."

Now it's my turn to roll my eyes at her. "Your brother might as well be in Austin as often as I get to see him." I'm whining, I know I am, but damn, you'd think a mama's boy would make time for said mama.

She laughs. "You're ridiculous. I know for a fact he was there just the other day because he called to rub it in my face that he's gotten to see the puppies and I haven't. Brat."

"Well maybe that's true, but he sure wasn't here very long. I didn't even have time to feed him."

"You know he's busy with Kaleigh plus he's working something like fifty hours a week he told me. Give him a break, Mom."

I sigh. "I know you're right. And he's getting better about answering my texts. At least now he answers on the same day I send them, instead of days later. I need to thank Kaleigh for that I suppose because I know that's the only reason he's improved."

"You're right about that. She's good for him. I like it and I like her." High praise indeed coming from Emily especially since she and Seth are so close. It takes a lot to impress her when it comes to her brother and she's more protective of him than I am. Which is saying something.

"Me, too, Em. Is it so bad I want both of my kids in the same city for a little bit?"

She's quiet for a moment before she speaks. "No, it's not. But you're busy now, busier than you've been for a long time. Between the dogs and the new business with Maggie, plus Leah," and there's a bit of an edge to Leah's name, but then there usually is. She goes on, "things are just different now. Not in a bad way," she hurries to say before I can rebut, "but they are different, you can't deny that."

Leave it to my twenty-two-year-old daughter to tell it to me straight. She's so much like me it's scary sometimes.

"I know, Emily. I know that the past two years or so have been hard on you and Seth, trust me I understand that. I'm trying here, okay? I really am, to make things better for everyone."

"Mom, I need you to listen to me for a minute and don't interrupt me, because you really need to listen to what I'm about to say."

My heart stops because she sounds as serious as I've ever heard her. "Go on, baby, I'm listening."

"You're right, the past few years have been hard. Watching you be hurt, seeing what Edward put you through, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Same goes for Seth. You're our mom and we love you and to see someone take advantage of you, cause you pain, makes me want to kick him in the balls. Don't even get me started on all the ways Seth wants to hurt him because they're a little scary to be honest." She laughs a little but gets serious again quickly. "What you've done the past year with your business and building up the kennel and be a respected breeder in such a short time is awe inspiring. It really is."

I interrupt to say, "I couldn't have done it without Harry and Peter though. Or Jasper."

"Yeah, Mom, I know, but you're the heart and soul of the operation. Just like you're the heart and soul of our family, always have been even when dad was here. What I'm trying to say is," and I can tell she's fighting back tears because I'm fighting my own, "I may not understand why you've done some of the things you've done or even agree with them, but I respect you more than anyone else in the world and you deserve to be happy. I know you and dad were happy and Seth and I are luckier than a lot of our friends that our parents loved each other and showed that every day. I don't know that I can ever forgive Edward for hurting you the way he has, but whatever winds up happening just know I support you."

By this point I'm crying softly because my kid is freaking amazing. "Em, I've made a lot of choices, especially over the past year and a half that I question but I can only go with what my heart tells me. Edward is an addict, and he's got a lot of issues he needs to work through." She grunts, somewhat in disgust and I can't say I blame her, but she really doesn't understand everything. "I'm not excusing anything that has happened, believe me, but it does give some context to the things he's done and the choices he's made. It's hard for us to really get because we've been blessed that we haven't had to deal with something like that with anyone we know, but drugs and addiction are ugly and messy and can make good people do bad things."

"Yeah, I get that, I do. It still doesn't make it any easier when it's your mom who is paying the price for his bad choices."

"I know, baby. I'm sorry if my choices have affected you and your brother. I mean I know they're going to, just like the things in your life affect me because I love you both. I've tried to keep it from happening, but there's not really a way to stop that I guess." I sigh. This is always so hard for me to reconcile. The being a mom and the woman who wants a relationship with someone. Not just someone, but Edward even though the baggage he carries is enough to fill an entire plane.

We're both quiet for a few moments, lost in our own thoughts. I say, "I loved your dad, Em, with all my heart, you know that. We used to joke around about him coming back to haunt me if he ever died and then I got involved with someone after him. He was kinda jealous, your dad." I sniffle and smile, because he really was. "It's hard knowing that many of the things that have happened over the past two years, the things I've allowed to happen, would disappoint him. I've struggled with it a lot, more than you can ever know or really understand because the last thing I would ever want is to disappoint him or you or Seth. I can't help what I feel, even though sometimes I admit it would be easier not to love Edward."

I can hear Emily crying softly and it breaks my heart. Having adult children is hard at times because you can't lie to them and you can't hide things from them. At least not in our family. There are things I haven't shared with them as far as Edward is concerned but they understand enough.

She takes a deep breath to get herself under control. "Like I said, Mom, I support you. I can't lie and tell you I get it, because I don't, not really. I've never loved and lost someone. And I've never had to try to pick up the pieces and move on. All I know is you're the bravest person I know, the strongest too, and if you believe there's something in Edward to hang on to and hope for, then I hope he gets his shit together and realizes what and who he has in you before it's too late."

I can't help the tears that fall hearing those words, and I don't even try to stop them. "Thank you, Emily. I can't tell you how much that means to me. For right now all I have is hope and faith that he'll do the things he needs to do to get himself clean and back on track. I'm kind of flying blind here since I don't have any firsthand knowledge of addiction or how to deal with it or help. All I know is I'm here if he needs me."

"And if he doesn't?" She asks. "If he doesn't do the right thing and doesn't come back?"

This is a question I've asked myself over and over as the days and weeks and months have passed by. I'm still not a hundred percent sure what the right answer is but I'm honest with her when I say, "Then I'll let him go. I have to. I don't have a date set in stone or anything or a deadline of when it needs to happen by, but I know I can't do what I've been doing indefinitely. It's been fourteen months since everything happened and yeah there's been a lot that's changed and we've all had to adjust to. I miss him, Emily, and I want him to come home."

She sighs then says softly, "Then for your sake, I hope he comes home soon. Don't expect me or Seth to welcome him with open arms though, because that's not happening. We just want you happy, Mom, and if Edward is it, then we'll accept that."

It's all I can expect from them, more than they should have to if I'm being honest. We end our conversation with a promise from her to visit soon and I love yous. As I turn to put my phone in the back pocket of me jeans I see Tanya standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Hey, it sounded like the phone call with Maria went well," I tell her, trying to make my voice light and even.

She stares at me for a moment, long enough to make me fidget a little bit and wonder how much she heard. "I'm sorry, Bella," she says softly.

"For?" I ask because I have no idea what she means.

She wrings her fingers and looks over my shoulder, unable it seems, to be able to look me in the eye. "So many things," she laughs, but it's hollow and filled with pain. "For leaving you to take care of my daughters when it should have been me and Edward. For being selfish and thinking only about myself and what I felt and not what you had to be going through. For hating you," the last part is said in barely a whisper, but it makes my heart stop and my stomach drop just the same.

She finally looks at me and we both stand there, staring, neither of us knowing what to say. There's so much really, so much I've held back and kept inside and not said to try to keep the peace and make things not so stressful. There's been so much of it all, so much that it's caused me anxiety attacks when I've never had any before recently, nights with no sleep and nonstop crying, and times when it's all I can do to get out of bed. I've never dealt with any of this, with this kind of hurt and betrayal and anger. With this kind of soul crushing pain that I can feel down to my bones. I was devastated when Riley died, of course I was. We'd been together and happily married for almost twenty years so the loss of him was profound and not something I'll ever really get over. He went to work one day with a kiss and an I love you and didn't come home. His death was unexpected, tragic, and so so unfair. It took me three years to even begin to move on. Until Edward came into my life and I realized I was tired of being alone and I couldn't keep going the way I was. I didn't want to.

All of this and more swims in my head as Tanya stares at me, a look of something I can't quite define. Is it guilt? Is it pity? Is it gratefulness? I don't even know; I suppose it's probably a combination of all of it. All our lives have been affected one way or another over the past two and a half years. Demons we've all tried to keep at bay roared their heads and caused upheaval and chaos in their wake. For me, for Edward, for Tanya. Even Leah and Maria, my owns kids, too, not to mention those that have loved me and stood by me like Harry, and my best friends Peter and Senna.

You never think, when you meet someone, of all the threads and connections they bring with them. Their pasts, their experiences and hurts and pains. The people who are in their life that, if a relationship forms, they bring with them to try to merge with you and your people and experiences and past. Especially when you're older and life hasn't been easy. But then again, whose is? Everyone has a past; everyone has their own trials and tribulations to deal with, every single day. I'm no different, Edward is no different. We just deal in different ways. I try to save people or dogs; he escapes by avoiding the hard stuff altogether and uses drugs to help him do it. Neither of us is perfect, no one is. What happened between us, his addiction, all of it, is so much. Is it too much? I'm not sure yet, but I know I'm not ready to give up, to give him up.

I look at Tanya again, really look at her. She's been through so much, too. It would be so easy to hate her, to blame her for Edward being the way he is. Is she partly to blame? Maybe, but blaming her, even a little bit, isn't going to fix anything. There are things to say though, air to clear so that we can both put things behind us. I'm tired. I'm tired of not saying what needs to be said, for putting others before myself.

"Come on," I motion with my head to the patio door. "Let's go outside, I don't want the girls to hear this and we have things we need to say to each other."

So there's a little bit of Tanya. And a little of Bella's life outside of the dogs and Edward. This isn't a fast moving or easy story, I know, but it's what I need to write. So truly thanks to everyone reading and reviewing, it means more than I can tell you! Also, since I'm 100% winging this, there's no beta or anything, just me, so if there are errors, I'm sorry lol. I'll be back soon with another chapter. Happy Friday! xoxo