The review is dedicated to HavocHound. He is having some personal and financial troubles, so please offer him your support and your prayers.
BOOOOOM!
There was a huge explosion caused by a Focus Blast from Keldeo.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Keldeo activated his Secret Sword and swung it, causing a flash of light.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Kyurem the Critic gave a genuine smile as he watched a slide show of highlights from his reviews.
Spike the Snob tipped his black top hat.
I'LL FACE IT WITH A GRIN!
"NO SHIP, SHERLOCK!" Intoxiquer the Crobat shouted in Genesect's face.
I'M NEVER GIVING IN!
ON WITH THE SHOW!
Meloetta sat down with Madoka the Fennekin and Damian the Meloetta on either side of her.
Imperator Justinian shook Keldeo's forehoof.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Arceus the Critic glared at Mew as she floated near a stone replica of him.
"SHUT UP!" shouted Anthony the Zoroark and Ian the Lucario.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Ryu Taylor the ferret and bent water into a small stream and spun it around to slap each of the Mane Six in the face.
I'LL TOP THE BILL, I'LL OVERKILL!
Jack Storm sprung awake and jumped onto his feet, wearing his robes and ready for battle.
Matthais Unidostres and BrickBrony1894 bro-hoofed.
I HAVE TO FIND THE WILL TO CARRY ON!
On. . . with the show. . .
On. . . with the show. . .
"FORESHADOWING!" Munna exclaimed.
"V-WHEEEEEEEL!" Victini exclaimed.
"MUSIC!" Floyd the Pichu shouted while holding his guitar high.
"RAAAAR!" Zoroark roared comically as his held his arms up and shook them.
SHOW!
Keldeo stood up on his hindlegs in his Resolute Form, his Secret Sword shining brightly.
The show must go on!
Go on. . . go on. . . go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .go on. . .
Keldeo the Critic- Season Six
Episode 14: PAW Patrol: The Movie
Keldeo was pouting as he said, "It's me. Keldeo the Critic. I review it so you don't have to."
Keldeo smiled and said, "Well, it's official. PAW Patrol is the new My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It's got a huge fandom with fanfiction and fanart, a successful series with multiple seasons, tons of toys and merchandise, and now a full blown movie! All it needs is a series of IDW comics, and I'm certain that those will come out before too long."
Keldeo nodded and said, "That being said, I almost didn't even bother doing this review. But then I noticed that a lot of other people were doing reviews on this film on YouTube. The CinemaSnob did a Midnight Screening episode on this, Double Toasted reviewed it, Regular Josh reviewed it. And, well, Matthais and I are PAW Patrol fans, and I've done plenty of PAW Patrol reviews already. So, why not?"
Keldeo's smile got wider and he said, "Now, much like my Detective Pikachu review, this will be a kind of a clipless play by play recreation style review staring Pokemon characters, including Virgil and the Eevee Rescue Squad- GOTCHA! We're doing a 'Gotcha style' review first created by the YouTuber Vito to review to the live action Mulan in 2020! Sorry Virgil, but Matthais and I have been busy lately, and it's was just a pain to try and match up the Eeveelutions with the members of the PAW Patrol and their jobs and genders and stuff."
Keldeo looked earnestly and said, "Now look, this movie isn't as bad as My Little Pony: The Movie. This movie isn't bad at all. It's pretty good. But there are some annoying little bits and agonizing missed opportunities that really bug me. So, let's get to it."
"So the movie opens up in Adventure Bay, and it makes sense that we start the movie off with a good rescue. So we start off with an emergency that takes itself seriously-GOTCHA! It's the truck driver from Justice League (2017)! Seriously, it's the same stupid truck driver that almost ran over The Flash's girlfriend! Only instead of dropping a burger and nearly hitting a girl, he spills his drink on himself and nearly runs over a turtle!"
Keldeo shook his head and said, "Whatever, so the truck crashes into the bridge and almost falls off, but don't worry! Because the PAW Patrol zooms right in as their new remixed theme song plays-GOTCHA! They just use the song from the show. They don't even get new singers, they just took the music file from the intro and played. Well, okay, there is a remix that plays during the remix, it's really creative- GOTCHA! It's a rap remix. Of course it is. Ugh."
Keldeo facehoofed for a moment, then he put his hoof back down and said, "Well, this first rescue is pretty cool. Since this is a feature film with a higher budget and better animation, the rescue scenes are way more elaborate and action packed. Zuma flies under the bridge and sends out buoys. Rubble sends out flares. Chase uses his zipline to rescue the driver. It's really cool and played completely straight- GOTCHA! It ends on a joke over the maple syrup leaking from the truck. I mean, okay, Marshall is funny and all, but- DOUBLE GOTCHA! Rubble's the one who tells the joke, and it's a fat joke! His Pup Pack randomly starts dispensing waffles, pancakes, and french toast. Why can his Pup Pack do this? Did Ryder program this rescue worker's technology to cook breakfast food? This isn't Looney Tunes, this world has rules and is supposed to follow the laws of physics. That's why the rescues are so gripping."
"Well, fine, so Rubble got his one funny scene, now we can go back to Marshall-GOTCHA! Rubble is the main source of comedy in this movie! He gets all the funny jokes and funny lines. All Marshall gets is his elevator wipe out-GOTCHA! He doesn't even get that? Are you serious! That's like having Team Rocket in a movie and not having them blast off! All Marshall does is slip up while doing a dance and that is. Marshall is neither funny nor clumsy in this movie. What do you even have left after you do that? If you didn't want Marshall to look stupid, that's fine. But just taking that stupid and putting it on another character doesn't fix anything! Rubble is constantly making one-liners, getting hit by stuff, tangled up in stuff, and showcasing those annoying fat jokes. It gets old really fast."
"So then we cut to a new location that's just as unique and clever as Barkingburg-GOTCHA! It's a New York City style city called Adventure City," Keldeo remarked blandly, "So lame. Seriously, did they get Asgore to help write this movie or something?"
"So, anyway, we then meet our newest hero pup, Liberty the dachshund, and she's a good role model for little girls watching- GOTCHA! She's a jerk! Liberty's first scene is to threaten to assault some guy for littering, and the guy actually cowers in fear. Wow."
"We then discover that Mayor Humdinger has left Foggy Bottom Bog and has now become mayor of Adventure City, and we learn how he got to be mayor-GOTCHA! We never find out. All we know is that it was underhanded. Did he pay the other candidate off? Did he kidnap him? Threaten him? Bury him in kitty litter? We never find out! Oh, but we do get a pair of really stupid henchmen, and they seem to be human ripoffs of the wolves from Storks. They could have at least gotten Key and Peele to actually play these two guys!"
Keldeo shrugged and said, "But you know, this is fine. PAW Patrol has grown a pretty great rogues gallery over the years. Humdinger was the very first villain, so it makes sense why she'd be in the movie. But of course he's just a distraction or even minion of the true villain of the movie. Maybe it'll be an evil genius like Sweetie or Harold Humdinger, or someone with advanced technology like Lady Bird or the Cheetah, or maybe an actual super powered villain like the Copycat-GOTCHA! Humdinger is the main villain of this movie! Humdinger!? Are you kidding me! This guys stinks! He's an idiot!"
Keldeo held up a forehoof and said, "But wait, even if Humdinger is a lame villain, at least we still get his Kitten Catastrophe Crew with all their gadgets to counter the PAW Patrol. It'll be great to see our heroes face off against the evil versions of themselves-GOTCHA! The kittens never use their gadgets! They don't do anything! They just walk around, hiss, and knock things over. The writers had several amazing scenes ready to go and they just threw them all away. Why even have the Kitten Catastrophe Crew in the movie if you're not going to even use them?"
"Well, after Mayor Humdinger makes an speech so obviously evil that he might as well have sung a cover of I'm the Bad Guy from Wander Over Yonder, Liberty calls the Paw Patrol for help. But Chase refuses at first because he has a bad history there. The movie then turns dark and series when we see a flash back of how he was alone and abused-GOTCHA, there's no way this movie would go there. It just shows Chase being let out of a car and wandering around in the street."
Keldeo looked disappointed as he explained, "Yeah, that's the trouble with movies meant for little kids. There are places that they simply can't go because the children watching are too young in their opinion. Sure, we get a brief flashback of Chase wandering around the city at night and nearly getting hit by a truck, but it doesn't really sell the idea that Chase had a traumatic experience. It can't show Chase being hit or abused and scorned because they need to keep the movie G. But I kinda disagree. PAW Patrol first aired in 2013, meaning the 5 years old that watched it then are at least 11 or maybe even 12 now. Plus, this movie is way more intense, dramatic, and even a bit violent than the show anyway. It's clear that this movie account for slightly older kids, and most kids could take some harsher themes of abandonment and helplessness and even cruelty. Isn't it a good idea to slowly expose kids to aspects of the real world so that they'll be ready to handle it when they get old enough to go to school on their own and stuff. Come on, writers, give kids a little more credit."
"So, Ryder assures Chase that everything will be alright, and then the PAW Patrol heads on in the PAW Patroller RV towards Adventure City. Meanwhile, Humdinger goes into Adventure City's science lab and forces the scientist there to use a machine to vacuum up all of the rain clouds in the sky so it will always be sunny."
Keldeo just stands and nods for a moment, then he says, "Oh, I don't have a gotcha for this, that's just what happens."
"Right, so the PAW Patrol arrives in Adventure City, and they obviously need a place to stay and set-up a command center. Maybe they could park the PAW Patroller and other vehicles in a vacant lot, or maybe they could make use of an abandoned fire house or police station-GOTCHA! There's already a HUGE PAW PATROL TOWER HQ in the city! WHAT!? Liberty called them no more than a week ago, how did Ryder have this built so fast!?"
"Well, okay, at least Skye actually asks how Ryder was able to afford it, meaning we can finally learn where the PAW Patrol gets all of it's money. Maybe we can finally learn about Ryder's wealthy parents, maybe get some good backstory on him-GOTCHA! We get a merchandising joke! I am dead serious! A merchandising joke! Ryder literally pulls out a PAW Patrol T-Shirt, the kind you can find in K-Mart or Walmart, and boasts about how their merch just sells like hot cakes! At least in the Japanese version it's rephrased so that Ryder is thanking the people who support the PAW Patrol instead of bragging about how much money the franchise rakes in."
Keldeo fell flat and groaned, shaking his head as he said, "I'm sorry, but I just really hate it when the media tells jokes like this. . ."
Mike Myers as the Cat in the Hat: "Universal Studios! Ha-ha! Kaching!"
"It just seems so cynical and demeaning, like we're all a bunch of Mareep and Wooloo for them to sheer, or Miltank for them to milk," Keldeo said with a frown, "Especially because in a way, they're right. If we like it, we'll spend money on it. That's how it works, and that's not even really a bad thing. If you want more PAW Patrol, give them money and high ratings and you'll get more. That seems totally fair, so why sour the concept of capitalism by turning it into a cynical meme?"
Victini suddenly flew in and shouted, "Keldeo! Focus on the review!"
Keldeo snapped back to reality and jumped back up, "Oh yeah! You're right! Sorry! Okay, now where was I. . ."
"So, yeah, then Humdinger launches a huge amount of fireworks and nearly burns down the city, so the PAW Patrol has to put the fires out, and we get to see what the changing room looks like, there's a whole bunch of robot arms that dress them in their gear, and it's really cool and smartly designed-GOTCHA, the machines needs to feed Rubble a biscuit just so it can put the gear on him, and on top of that we get a gag earlier where Rubble gets tied up in Skye's stuff. Again, why are we taking Marshall's gags and giving them to Rubble?"
"Andway, back to the fire fighting scene, our heroes zoom right to the scene of the fire-GOTCHA, it's a traffic jam. All the people in this city, with their driver licenses and everything, apparently never learned that you need to pull out of the way of emergency vehicles. Instead they need Liberty to show up and navigate them through alleys and side streets. . .which is actually really cool and action packed. And then we actually start fighting the fire, and we get to see Marshall with this awesome sci-fi water cannon, and Chase parachutes in on a balcony to save some people- GOTCHA, Chase gets blown right off and is just hanging like a damsel in distress. But at least Marshall is there to help him- GOTCHA! Marshall literally fires a giant water bomb into him, and the movie goes into slo-mo just so we can see Chase get hit by a huge bomb of water. Wow."
"So then we see Humdinger, who is embarrassed but expected this- GOTCHA! Not only is Humdinger upset that the PAW Patrol didn't let him burn to death, but he is somehow surprised that the PAW Patrol is here. Did he not see that giant tower? Did he no notice it being built? What is going on here? I know he's stupid, but is he really that stupid?"
Keldeo sighed and said, "Well, okay, so after nearly burning the city down, Humdinger knows he needs to win the people back. So he decides to fix the train system. Okay, we know it needs to backfire somehow, so maybe he'll try to make it go faster and it'll derail, or maybe he'll make double decker trains and they'll get stuck in a tunnel. Something a self centered politician would actually do-GOTCHA! He puts a roller coaster loop-de-loop in the track!"
Keldeo raised a forehoof and sprayed water in his face, and he shook the water out of his mane and shouted, "WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? How was this even built? What construction company agreed to this!? Why did the construction workers agree to this? Is Humdinger actively trying to murder the people in this city?"
Keldeo huffed and said, "Okay, so now people are stuck in an upside down train. So Chase uses his grappling hook to get the people out-GOTCHA, now Chase is afraid of heights! Marshall is the one that's afraid of heights! Why are the writers taking away all of Marshall's character traits?"
Keldeo shrugged and smiled, "But it's fine, because why Chase is cowering on the rooftop, Skye flies in to save him, and we get a really sweet moment between the two, it's the show's cannon couple. Chase has shown feelings for Skye many times during the show, so it's good to see it in the movie-GOTCHA! The scene cuts out the moment Skye lands next to him! A golden opportunity for a sweet moment between them, wasted! Well at least we get some other scenes between the two-GOTCHA, there are NO scenes between them at all! They don't even talk to each other in this movie! Why would you have multiple shipping scenes between them in the show and have NO shipping scenes between them in the movie? It's meant for a slightly older audience, so why are the writers holding out on us?"
"So after the rescue, Ryder confronts Chase on how much the city is getting to him and explains that it'd be best if Chase was relieved of duty for the time being. And after choking up during the fire nad having a panic attack that put people's lives in danger, it makes sense that Chase is upset about this and just goes back to the tower to mope-GOTCHA, he runs off into the city he's supposed to be afraid of. I get he's in denial, but why is he going towards the thing he hates so much and away from the people who love him? It's not like Ryder fired him, he's clearly concerned."
Keldeo gave a shrug and said, "I mean, sure, Chase can take care of himself. I mean, he knows Pup-Fu, so he can fight off any threats-GOTCHA! Humdinger's henchmen capture him off screen! Are you serious? He didn't even try to bite them? What kind of police dog is this?"
"So, Chase is taken to doggy daycare center, and he meets a poodle voice by Kim Kardashian. Alright, a celebrity cameo. This character must be important. Like the scientist, or the news reporter. This poodle will be a recurring character who plays a major role in the plot-GOTCHA! This poodle does nothing except tell us what we already know or what we can find out by just looking at what's happening on screen. You could take her out of the movie entirely and nothing would change. She's a nothing character that does nothing."
"Well, anyway, going back to Humdinger, I guess it's smart of him to get stray dogs off the streets- GOTCHA, he's stealing dogs that already have owners and locking them up! Is this guy trying to get himself arrested? How does he expect to get away with this?"
Keldeo huffed and shook his head, "Okay, fine, so Liberty lets herself get captured on purpose so she can find Chase, she gives him a pep talk, she acts all nice, we get a break from her being nasty- GOTCHA, she calls the Kim Kardashian poodle a toilet brush." Keldeo chuckled a bit and said, "Okay, to be fair, it was kinda funny."
Keldeo then nodded and said, "Alright, now we get a really cool sequence whe Chase and Liberty bring all the imprisoned dogs together and we get this really cool escape sequence with everyone working together to-GOTCHA, Rubble just knocks a wall down. Sure, it's kinda refreshing to see a character not messing around and taking the direct and obvious solution, and Rubble gets a cool theme song here, but it still stinks that we don't see the other dogs in the day care actually contribute, maybe be the beginnings of an Adventure City branch of the PAW Patrol for when the pups eventually leave."
Keldeo then smiled and said, "After the break out, Ryder takes Chase to the place where they first met, where Ryder saved Chase from getting run over. Chase seems to think that Ryder pitied him, but Ryder says that he saw a strong sense of courage and bravery in Chase, and that gets shown in the flashback-GOTCHA! Chase looks weak and terrified in the flashback! What is Ryder talking about? Is the idea that Chase survived on his own in the city for all that time before Ryder found him? What kid is gonna understand that? At least show a better flashback. Maybe show Chase running on rooftops or climbing up fire escapes or something?"
Keldeo rolled his eyes and said, "Okay, time for the final act. Remember that cloud catching machine from earlier, well the machine is about to explode, so the scientist goes to Humdinger and takes the remote for it away from him-GOTCHA, Humdinger just breaks it! Why is he trying to murder everyone in this city! So now a giant hurricane forms, and the scientist calls the PAW Patrol. Now, there was this running gag of the scientist speaking in technobabble, it's annoying, but at least now we have Rocky and Ryder who are able to understand-GOTCHA! Rubble's the only one who understands the technobabble! Why are these writers taking everyone's characteristics and giving them to Rubble!?"
Keldeo shook his head and huffed, "Alright, fine, so Humdinger built a giant unstable tower on top a skyscraper, so Ryder has to go up and save him while Skye takes out the cloud catching machine while everyone else saves the people on the ground. And, of course, this is the part where Liberty joins the PAW Patrol. We all saw this coming. Now, I could see Ryder making a sidecar for his vehicle so Liberty can ride along-GOTCHA, Ryder just gives her a motorcycle with a jet engine in it! RYDER! Are you insane!? Liberty doesn't know how to drive that thing! She's gonna crash and explode in a fiery death!"
Keldeo let out a sigh and said, "Okay, maybe the motorcycle has some kind of super autopilot on it. And I like how Liberty plays an excellent support role in her underwater car rescue with Zuma, who also gets a cool theme song."
"Everybody needs somebody, sometime!"
Keldeo then became annoyed and said, "Then we join Ryder, who goes up Humdinger's tower and, as usual, has to be all nice and forgiving to the evil psychopath and his kittens and politely rescues him, REVERSE GOTCHA!"
Keldeo had a big smile and said, "Ryder ties them all to a tether, drops them all down the elevator shaft, and laughs after it! I felt just as good as Ryder did in that scene!"
Keldeo then became serious and said, "But then, as Ryder is headed back down, the tower collapses and Ryder is trapped on another now ruined building. Chase sees this and goes up to try and save him. Unfortunately there's a big gap between the two buildings, and his grappling hook can't reach. So Chase calls Skye down-GOTCHA, he does a death defying leap hundreds of miles above the street! That's not courage, that's insanity! How could Chase have possible gauged that jump? Okay, fine, benefit of the doubt, maybe Ryder was bleeding out and needed attention right away; but I don't think it was worth the risk of Chase falling to his certain death! Oh yeah, and Ryder wasn't even hurt anyway, his leg was just stuck. That's it. Great."
Keldeo once again became annoyed and said, "Oh boy, it's that time again. Time for another cliche death fake out. In order to destroy the cloud catching machine and stop the storm, Skye has to fly her helicopter right into it. There's a big explosion, everyone thinks she's dead-REVERSE GOTCHA! We see her bailout and use her jet pack to fly off in triumph! Finally! A movie that doesn't think we're stupid!"
Keldeo smiled, "And so, the day is saved! Of course we gotta keep the status quo, so Humdinger gets a slap on the wrist-REVERSE GOTCHA AGAIN! The finally arrest him! THANK ARCEUS! FINALLY! They finally throw this sociopath in prison! Seeing Chase declare him under arrect is so satisfying that I don't even care that Skye uses her drone to rip his pants off. Fine! Whatever! As long as he goes to prison I'm happy! JUSTICE!"
Keldeo cheered and backflipped, clearly happy about the movie's conclusion, and he said with a smile, "Alright, so the movie ends with an award ceremony with the PAW Patrol and Liberty, but then they get a call about something going down at the docks, and it's from one of the dogs from the daycare, which really makes me wish we had that escape scene to hint at a second branch of the PAW Patrol, and the team rides off to save the day once again! The End!"
Keldeo smiled and said, "Yeah, this movie was great! Awesome! Sure, it wasn't perfect, but it really was a fun time! It kinda makes me wish that we could get another one with a grander scale, maybe work in some aspects of their super powered forms from the Mighty Pups episodes, but I guess that's not gonna happen-REVERSE GOTCHA! THAT MOVIE'S ALREADY BEEN GREENLIT!"
"Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie" — greenlit by Spin Master Entertainment and Nickelodeon movies, with distribution from Paramount Pictures — will hit theaters on Oct. 13, 2023. Cal Brunker, who directed the first film, will also direct the sequel.
Here's the logline from the studio for "The Mighty Movie": "When a magical meteor crash lands in Adventure City, it gives the PAW Patrol pups superpowers, transforming them into The MIGHTY PUPS! For Skye, the smallest member of the team, her new powers are a dream come true. But things take a turn for the worse when the pups' arch rival Humdinger breaks out of jail and teams up with a mad scientist to steal the superpowers for the two villains. With the fate of Adventure City hanging in the balance, the Mighty Pups have to stop the supervillains before it's too late, and Skye will need to learn that even the smallest pup can make the biggest difference."
(Taken from The Wrap website)
Keldeo had the widest of smiles as he said, "Okay, I get it! So these movies must take place in an alternate universe to the TV series, seeing as this isn't what happened when the pups found the meteor and got their powers in the show. Cool. Hopefully the Copy Cat will appear in a post credits scene. And it looks like each movie will focus on a different pup. First was Chase, next is Skye. Here's hoping Marshall gets the third movie!"
Keldeo laughed again and said, "Okay, that settles it. PAW Patrol is the new Friendship is Magic. If you don't think you'll like G5 My Little Pony, then feel free to become a PAW Patrol fan, because this franchise is hot, hot, hot! I'm Keldeo the Critic, I review it so you don't have to."
Keldeo smiled widely and added, "But you should totally watch it anyway!"
The End
Credits
Vito (YouTube)
PAW Patrol
Wander Over Yonder
The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Midnight Screenings by Stoned Gremlin Productions (Cinema Snob's YouTube channel)
Regularjosh1
Double Toasted
The Wrap (online news website)
Justice League (2017)
Storks (2016)
Special Thanks
I thank you HavocHound for your amazing PAW Patrol and Zootopia stories. I hope your situation improves and your life once again goes smoothly enough so that you can once again have the time to not only write at your leisure, but truly enjoy it yourself.