And the classes end like every other day.
There are many kinds of students: ones that go to clubs, ones that hurry home, and ones that stay in the classroom for no reason.
It looks like I won't be in any of those categories.
ㅤ
"Sorry, Emiya, about the rest of the repairs... do you have time today?"
ㅤ
"Well, I do have plans but..."
ㅤ
It's not like I am just playing around.
After all, the main reason I quit the archery club is because I wanted to prioritize work.
ㅤ
Yet, I get a strange feeling when thinking about the options presented to me.
I must be out of form, I guess the events from this morning had an unexpected effect on my mind.
ㅤ
I originally decided to start working in order to pay my expenses after Father's death.
Seeing his room again and now thinking about it before going to work might have been a bit too lively for me.
ㅤ
It may result in my performance being lower in both cases.
ㅤ
Going to work today is not necessary.
They're restocking inventory at work, and they asked me to come if I can as any help is appreciated.
But it's certainly not something I have to go to. They're probably just having people come in because they want to party after work.
ㅤ
"—"
ㅤ
There are two- no, three options. Even though I am unsure about the last one.
ㅤ
I-
ㅤ
(I'll go and help out the student council.)
(I'll go to work.)
(I don't feel like doing either of them.)
ㅤ
I feel sorry for Issei and the people at work.
I feel strange today, lacking the drive to do either job.
It's rare for me to act selfishly like this, even I can tell.
ㅤ
"No, sorry Issei. I feel under the weather today, so can we finish it some other time?"
ㅤ
"Under the weather..? Ah, it's fine. You already help me so much and this isn't urgent work. You can just rest home if you want to Emiya, don't worry about me."
ㅤ
"Sorry, I'll continue first thing tomorrow, so can we call it even?"
ㅤ
"Hm? I told you, it's not that important. The urgent stuff finished this morning. You can finish the rest when you feel better."
ㅤ
"Yes, so I should notify you when I am up for it?"
ㅤ
"Sure. I'll rely on you then, Emiya."
ㅤ
Issei says farewell and leaves the classroom.
ㅤ
"—Well."
ㅤ
I should head out slowly too.
I have no reason to rush home.
Even though I feel guilty about Issei saying "You can just rest home.", I did tell Sakura that I would be arriving a bit late.
I guess I will just walk around the neighboring town to clean my mind a bit.
ㅤ
—
ㅤ
"—"
ㅤ
I walk.
ㅤ
"—"
ㅤ
And I continue walking.
ㅤ
I pass a bridge and many other things while listening to the car noises.
ㅤ
And at the blink of an eye, I realize I've reached a place that feels like it's from another world.
ㅤ
Fuyuki Central Park.
ㅤ
That's the place where my legs brought me.
ㅤ
This park among the buildings is like a big field.
A park of this size should at least have some people in it at this time, like tired students or people that just finished their part time jobs, but it's empty here now.
No— this place is always desolate.
ㅤ
"This place is the same as always."
ㅤ
Its a bit sad.
The utterly neglected ground looks awful compared to the neatly organized surroundings.
The desolate area makes the wind feel cold.
ㅤ
This is the remains of the conflagration ten years ago, and this is the place where I was saved from burning to death.
ㅤ
"I wonder why they don't plant grass here, it's a waste to keep it like this."
ㅤ
It's a large area, so if they retiled it, the park would get bigger.
Thinking absent-mindedly, I sit down on a bench.
ㅤ
"—"
ㅤ
I stare at the burned land with empty eyes.
The memories that I saw this morning, the park I saw in those memories...
Is that why I suddenly decided to come here I wonder?
ㅤ
Going inside Father's room... seeing that dream... the memories of back then have become livelier than I'd like to admit.
ㅤ
It was hot. I couldn't breathe.
It looked endless, yet felt like a cage built for me.
It was like the definition of hell, absorbed into the area that became this park.
ㅤ
Many people asked for help.
The person that helped and the person that got helped both got eaten by the fire.
ㅤ
"I wonder why..."
ㅤ
For example, an adult that tried to save a child from a burning house. He saved the child, but died in its place.
ㅤ
For example, there were people that had their throats burned, but they gave what little water they had to one guy, and the others died.
ㅤ
For example, there was someone who ran alone to get away from the fire as fast as possible, and everyone he passed on the way died.
ㅤ
And for example...
People who died because they gave something that was saving them, only to save others they didn't even know.
ㅤ
Humans may be self centered creatures, but that self centered natured can surprisingly crumble away in scenarios involving death.
Most people would prefer at least one person surviving if they are all going to die anyways, it's only common sense.
Yet, such a mindset isn't something you would normally see everyday.
ㅤ
The idea of a "reward", though it may not be worded, is a factor that is surprisingly present when helping others.
It doesn't necessarily have to be something like money; gratitude, your loved ones being safe, not having to see someone die, such things are also rewards in a way.
A lot of religions use this for the benefit of society, encouraging people to do good things by putting a reward, usually in the form of an afterlife.
ㅤ
Yet, not a single person did it thinking they would be rewarded on that day.
I know that for sure.
Those people knew they would die, they knew they would disappear after seeing the sight in front of them.
Selfishness caused by thoughts like "What good does it do to save this person if I won't live to see them live?" was not present in the slightest, they probably knew their efforts still wouldn't amount to anything.
Yet they still tried.
ㅤ
All of them disappeared to the sea of nothingness on that day.
Hearing countless words asking them for help, being unable to reach them.
Their insides slowly become hollow as their brain tries to process each person asking for help, until the point where they become fully empty, run out of life.
ㅤ
I detest that.
ㅤ
"..."
ㅤ
I am reminded of the story in the picture book.
Not my version, the story Father would tell me.
ㅤ
People who tried so hard eventually getting sacrificed.
It makes me mad. I don't like things like that.
Is it wrong to want an ending where everyone is safe and happy?
I wanted to see people relax peacefully, so why is it that I lacked the ability to do even that?
ㅤ
"Isn't it normal Onii-chan?"
ㅤ
"Huh?"
ㅤ
Suddenly, a voice rings next to my ear.
ㅤ
It's a warm voice that fills the cold park that had nothing but me inside it.
It's certainly rare to have people here.
ㅤ
Wondering who would come here, I turn around. Sitting next to me is the source of the voice.
ㅤ
"Yaaay, Onii-chan finally looked my way!"
ㅤ
Red eyes, purple clothes, covered in the color of snow.
There sits a small figure that looks so gentle that the wind not blowing it looks like a miracle.
A sight that looks like it came out of a fairytale, a person that has white hair just like the angel in the story.
A little girl that automatically brings the image of "beautiful" to one's mind, the type of beauty that would only be used to describe nature.
ㅤ
No matter how you look at it, even with me being deep in thoughts, there is no way she wouldn't attract attention in this park.
How did I not see or hear her approach me then?
ㅤ
"Onii-chan looked down while staring at the park, so I thought I'd help him a bit."
ㅤ
The girl looks at me as if waiting for something. Slowly getting up while not forgetting to keep her attention on me.
Standing at the center of the park, her face has a cute yet hard to describe tone to it, giving off the impression that she had been waiting for something for quite some time.
I realize that she could potentially be looking to talk with someone if she suddenly opened a talk with a stranger in this park.
ㅤ
Thinking about it, seeing the girl, my mood has gotten a bit lighter.
It wouldn't be harmless to chat with her anyways.
So I have no reason to reject.
ㅤ
"Help- me?"
ㅤ
"Yeah, help you. Can I? Can I Onii-chan?"
ㅤ
"...Alright then, I will ask for your help. What do you think is Onii-Chan's problem?"
ㅤ
"...hmmmm..."
ㅤ
The girl starts thinking to herself.
ㅤ
"...Of course, I can't possibly know what exactly Onii-chan was thinking..."
ㅤ
"That's fine! Onii-chan will be saved no matter what if you try saving me. I promise."
ㅤ
"...but, since Onii-chan was feeling sad, I can get a pretty good idea. I heard maaany maaany things about this area, it's an area where sad things happened isn't it Onii-chan?"
ㅤ
"That's... correct."
ㅤ
"Then couldn't it be… hmmmm… that Onii-chan remembered he had forgotten to buy ingredients for his dish and was getting sad over missing a sale!
Oh, did I get it right? Did I get it right?"
ㅤ
It is a good answer.
It's the kind of innocent answer that a kid her age should give, something that will be lost over time.
ㅤ
Though seeing how happy she looked while answering, I hope just a little bit that she never loses this purity.
ㅤ
"You got it right."
ㅤ
"..."
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
The girl's expression suddenly changes.
Her red eyes get cold as if to freeze me.
Her frozen face creates a contrast with the lively girl's from a second ago.
ㅤ
I wouldn't need to be an expert to think that she didn't like my answer.
Maybe she thought I wasn't being genuine enough?
ㅤ
"You really did get it right."
ㅤ
"..."
ㅤ
"I was just about to leave the park and go buy the ingredients in fact!"
ㅤ
"..."
ㅤ
"But don't worry..."
ㅤ
"..."
ㅤ
"Onii-chan is already feeling much better..."
ㅤ
"..."
ㅤ
"...So thank you for saving m-"
ㅤ
"Are you absolutely sure Onii-chan?"
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
"Heh?"
ㅤ
"Are you absolutely sure that you didn't wake up today, went to school with something that has been burdening you for years, ditched work, ditched going home early because of a convenient statement you made, got here, and then monologued about how you couldn't accept the deaths of the people here?
Are you absolutely sure that your stupid ideals which have clearly done no right as you see in front of you will manage to do you any good from this point?
Are you absolutely sure that mere dreams can be passed off for a way to live?
Are you absolutely sure that a person like you would even hold so much value that he can use it to save others?
Are you absolutely sure that even if you do save a few people, that won't create problems for even more people?
Are you absolutely sure that you really are justified to leave the people important to you just because you are following an ideal that isn't worth more than trash?
Are you absolutely sure that you can claim you had any right to act that way by saying it was for the majority?
Are you absolutely sure that a being like you would be allowed even one more breath on this planet?
Are you absolutely sure that your throat will be left in its place the next time you blink?
Are you absolutely sure that life was even allowed to you once you met eyes with me?"
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
"Are you absolutely sure about anything Emiya?"
ㅤ
Two
ㅤ
ice cold eyes.
ㅤ
The girl says all of this as if seeing right through me, as if she knows everything about me.
ㅤ
She slowly and painfully lists every single sin I have ever made, going over them over and over again until I absolutely make sure it is my fault.
ㅤ
She mentions every single second of my being, going over it over and over again, until I absolutely make sure how worthless my life is in comparison to other things.
ㅤ
There has never been a single thing I could hide from this girl.
ㅤ
She has observed anything and everything about my life, no, my entire existence.
ㅤ
To the point where she is arguably more me
ㅤ
than me
ㅤ
The deal I made with the girl,
ㅤ
was that if she could see through me
ㅤ
I would be saved no matter what
ㅤ
If so, hasn't she already saved me then?
ㅤ
Shouldn't I completely trust my fate to her then?
ㅤ
…
ㅤ
But then
ㅤ
…
ㅤ
if I am saved
ㅤ
…
ㅤ
then I don't have to save
ㅤ
…
ㅤ
the girl doesn't want it either
ㅤ
…
ㅤ
So if I don't have to save
ㅤ
…
ㅤ
Then I don't have to exist
ㅤ
…
ㅤ
Right?
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
Ah the beautiful silk threads...
Going round and round...
Looking over my past...
But not to judge.
ㅤ
They dissect the tragedies out of me...
Then go to my legs and arms...
They go round and round...
And rip me apart.
ㅤ
In front of me I see a boy...
Lying there in pieces...
If he is the shattered one...
What am I?
ㅤ
Ah... the cruel silk threads...
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
...what are you?...
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
Why…
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
rip
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
me
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
apart
ㅤ
...
ㅤ
?
ㅤ
...
..
.
"...Onii-chan?"
ㅤ
"Eh?... ah? That's... exactly right actually."
ㅤ
I answer without actually hearing her answer.
This is not a case of getting it right or wrong, her answer will be right no matter what in the end.
My mood is already better, so she has already helped me. How could I disappoint her and say she was wrong in that case?
ㅤ
"Hehe Yaaay! I got it right! But Onii-chan, spacing out like that is no good!"
ㅤ
"Was I… spaced out?"
ㅤ
"Onii-chan suddenly froze after hearing my answer. He started clenching his shirt like his chest was burning! It scared me honestly, Onii-chan."
ㅤ
"I did that?"
ㅤ
Hearing me say that, her face slowly changed in tone.
ㅤ
"Hehe, could it be that Onii-chan was in this disaster himself? Is that why he was in pain when reminded of it I wonder?"
ㅤ
Oh, she got it right.
I guess I was easy to read.
And I just spaced out like that too...
I really need to pay more attention to my surroundings, it wouldn't be nice to have Sakura or Fuji-nee seeing right through me the next time I am like this.
ㅤ
Actually, wouldn't it be even more terrifying to have Mitsuzuri seeing through me?
ㅤ
…
ㅤ
A shiver just ran down my spine.
ㅤ
"Hmm, you are correct. I used to live here, though I forgot most of it now."
ㅤ
"Haaaaaaaah, Onii-chan is lucky!"
ㅤ
The girl and the worn down teddy bear in her hand both jumped up in excitement.
I guess I don't have to worry about scaring her with my spacing out, her mood looked as bright as ever while shouting happily.
ㅤ
"...Not only surviving an event like that but also getting to forget things before it happened! You shouldn't be pained over that Onii-chan! Be happy!"
ㅤ
"Hmm, maybe that's correct.
Still, you wouldn't know this since you weren't there but so many people there sacrificed themselves to save others, I can't help but feel bad about being the one to survive despite not making such an effort.
…
Now that I think about it, it's pretty embarrassing to talk to someone about this huh?"
ㅤ
I declare my sins in a lighthearted way.
This isn't me, I would normally not say what I am saying right now in such a way.
But the person in front of me is just a little girl, someone who couldn't have possibly been older than 3 at the time of the fire.
There is no point in putting a burden on such a little girl with such heavy topics, so even if I hate it, I must make light of it.
ㅤ
I smiled at the girl hoping they would smile back.
ㅤ
Looking at me, the girl frowned for the first time.
ㅤ
"People die."
ㅤ
"Heh?"
ㅤ
I look at the girl with a puzzled expression, trying to understand her sudden change of tone that didn't fit her face at all.
Was that the wrong choice after all?
ㅤ
"Living beings, no matter how perfect, are all destined to die one day. A concept of eternity does not exist, and it's normal to dislike that."
ㅤ
Her expression becomes less like a girl's and more like a doll's while talking.
The doll like expression fits her face so naturally that I may have even mistaken her for one if I wasn't already talking to her.
However, she is not a doll. You can see a hint of anger in her face if you pay attention.
ㅤ
"Then..."
ㅤ
"...but, Onii-chan, your situation is not a simple dislike at how these people died, is it?"
ㅤ
Ah.
She doesn't shout but it sounds louder than a shout.
ㅤ
"You want to save everyone, that kind of belief is unrealistic."
ㅤ
Her eyes locked on me, she says these things as if completely rejecting my existence.
I may have heard similar things in the past, but this is the first time someone has said them with hatred directed towards me.
ㅤ
I would get slightly angry.
Denying the people that tried their hardest for others, it's not something I will accept.
ㅤ
But this is a little girl. For her to be saying something like this, she must have seen something quite sad too.
ㅤ
Visiting a park like this, coming next to me after seeing my face that apparently looked sad, saying such things...
Though she has her own struggles, she is trying her hardest to help me in her own way isn't she?
Even though she may not be necessarily aware of it.
Then the difference in views is fine.
ㅤ
"Again, you may be right."
ㅤ
"..."
ㅤ
"But it's not like I can save everyone in the end. If someone tries to attack me, I will attack back. It's not like I will be saving the other person by attacking them right?"
ㅤ
"That again...
You would do that thinking that person will try to hurt others afterwards, right?"
ㅤ
"No, there is a chance that this person only holds a grudge towards me. It's only natural to attack someone that is trying to attack or even kill you."
ㅤ
"..."
ㅤ
She looks slightly dissatisfied with my answer.
But she has calmed down it seems.
Or rather, it seems she has calmed down on the inside too now.
ㅤ
I can only pray that this helped.
ㅤ
"..."
...
"..."
...
"..."
...
ㅤ
Ahh... of course that alone wouldn't do it Emiya Shirou.
The atmosphere isn't any less tense than before.
It's just like at the start, where I was so focused on thinking about the fire that I didn't even notice her.
I am sure I looked very hard to approach.
Yet she still talked to me.
The situation is now reversed, it should be my turn to cheer her up.
ㅤ
"Hey, after talking so much, isn't it weird to not know each other's names? I can't keep avoiding to use your name and you can't keep calling me Onii-chan right? So, my name is Emiya Shirou, what's yours?"
ㅤ
I ask her name, in hopes of recovering the cheerful mood we could have had at the start.
ㅤ
"..Illyasviel von Einzbern."
ㅤ
"Hmmmm... Einzbern-san? No... I... Illya... Illya-sviel..? ...It's... a bit hard to say for a Japanese person like me isn't it? Is there a problem with me shortening it to Illya?"
ㅤ
She looks at me with a shocked face again, then shaking her head as if rejecting an idea.
ㅤ
"No, it's fine... E... it's fine Shirou."
ㅤ
"Sh-Shirou? Isn't that a bit too fast?"
ㅤ
"Uhhh, Shirou is a meanie! Calling me Illya out of the blue like that just because he couldn't say my name and then saying Shirou is no good! Onii-chan is Shirou! I can only call him Shirou! Shirou!"
ㅤ
"Eh? Do you have any problem with Illya? Isn't your normal name just too hard to say anyways? No matter how I look at it, Illya is Illya! Illya!"
ㅤ
I smile back at her, and our conversation gets considerably lighter from that point.
ㅤ
—
ㅤ
The surroundings have become quite dark.
I leave the park and say goodbye to Illya after realizing it has become quite late.
We talked about a lot of things after that.
The topic at the start was never brought up again, we talked about things like our food preferences instead.
ㅤ
And at the end...
ㅤ
"Shirou, can we talk here tomorrow too?"
ㅤ
She asked me this.
I naturally accepted.
ㅤ
Betraying Issei and my part-time job is regrettable, but it ended up being worth it if it meant meeting Illya.
Talking to her, it feels like something that was missing is back in its place now.
ㅤ
Illya reminds me of the angel in that story.
Maybe I would remind Kiritsugu of the man in that story if he could see me too?
I am glad then.
ㅤ
I wasn't able to give any presents to Kiritsugu these past 4-5 years.
He was so happy to see that picture book, seeing that happy ending.
Then it's all the better if I can show him the happy ending to the story that he wanted.
Passing the streets, there aren't any people.
ㅤ
I guess that's only to be expected with the increasing number of suspicious cases in Fuyuki though, people are scared.
ㅤ
Naturally, I don't meet anyone on my way home either.
I arrive at home rather peacefully tonight.