Sorry for the wait but I'm back and I'll try to be more consistent.
My night was fitful and restless. I didn't know what the day ahead would hold and only when I saw the rays of the sun streak the sky at dawn, did my mind finally give up on its thoughts and allow me to sleep.
The sun was high in the sky when I awoke. I jumped out of bed and rushed to get dressed, a dull headache making me feel slow and stupid.
When I got downstairs, the hall was a buzz of activity. Adele was on her way and everyone was readying for her arrival. I found Mrs. Fairfax in the middle of the chaos.
"Good morning, Mrs. Fairfax, you should have woken me up so I could have been of more assistance. My apologies for not being up earlier. I had…a difficult night," I finished with hesitation.
"Nothing to be concerned about, Miss Eyre, as you can see, I have more than enough hands and you will only be needed once Adele is settled in," she smiled warmly at me and I felt a little better.
"She's here!" a voice announced outside as Mr. Rochester's carriage pulled up. Both of us stepped outside to see if we could help but that did not seem necessary. Two of Dr. Carter's men emerged from the front of the carriage.
One helped Sophie alight first and she greeted us with a smile. She turned back to the men as they pulled Adele gently on a makeshift bed. We both hurried forward to see Adele's small frame emerge from the carriage.
"Bonjour Mademoiselle Eyre, bonjour Mademoiselle Fairfax," She greeted us with a small smile. I stared at Sophie, "Does she remember us?"
"Non," Sophie replied, "I just reminded her to greet you when we get to the house and she memorised your names."
"Oh," I said, a little deflated but turned to Adele with a smile on my face, "Bonjour Adele, how are you?"
"Good," she replied in halting English, "and…you?"
"I'm well, thank you," I responded and we followed the men as they carried Adele back to her old room next to the nursery.
Once she was installed as an inmate of Thornfield again, the men left and Sophie asked us to leave Adele for a while as she rested. The journey was the first time that she had left the clinic since her operation and Adele must not be overextended or excited, according to the good doctor.
During all this excitement, I had wondered where Mr. Rochester was. My night had been spent replaying that kiss over and over again. His lips on mine, his hands on me, it was like a dream and nightmare combined. It brought forward all the feelings of love that I had been trying to bury within me, and all the pain at our distance. I loved him, and I knew he loved me, but we could never be together.
Although I had had this realisation many weeks ago, when I first tried to leave Thornfield, I had a new appreciation for my master and what he had suffered in his life. I even understood why he had tried to make me his mistress, despite my horror at the thought.
I could not ask Mrs. Fairfax about Mr. Rochester's whereabouts, however, so I kept silent and I had some bread and butter for breakfast with Sophie. The tea helped my headache a little and we spoke.
Sophie told me all about her experiences with the doctor and Adele during their sojourn. She explained the treatments, how Adele had reacted to each new procedure, and understanding of her part. Adele still did not know that her mother was gone, as the doctor had insisted this piece of news be kept from her. As far as she was concerned, her mother was away and could not come to her at the time.
I winced at the thought that we would one day have to tell Adele about her mother's "death" once she had sufficiently recovered. Besides the amnesia, Adele seemed to be recovering well. She had even learned some English from the doctor and Sophie chattered about Dr Carter's friendliness and kindness during that time.
Adele would be allowed to stand up and walk slowly over time, as her body strengthened, but we had to be careful to not allow her to run or jump or anything too strenuous at this time. This all made sense to me and I was grateful for all the guidance that Sophie gave us.
As we walked to Adele's bedchamber to see how she was doing, Mr. Rochester emerged from her room. My breath caught in my throat as I saw my master again. Tall, broad, and rugged. I felt my colour rise at his gaze and I kept my eyes down.
"Sophie, Adele is awake and she is asking for you," he said, addressing the nurse in perfect French.
Sophie nodded and hurried past him into the room. I continued looking down and tried to walk past too until he stopped me with a gentle, "Miss Eyre?"
I looked up at him, "Yes, Mr. Rochester?" My cheeks felt heated as he looked at me gravely.
"I am truly sorry…for what happened last night. I vowed to you that you would be protected from everything in this house, including myself, and I broke that vow. Please forgive me." his voice was low and dejected.
How could I make this man understand that last night's kiss was one of the best moments of my life, despite it coming from a place of anger and jealousy? Once again, I had felt like a woman who was desirable, wanted, and loved. When I had found out about Bertha Mason, I had felt like a discarded rag, used and unwanted. That was the case no longer. Although that affection came from the person who was forbidden to me, I had delighted in every moment of that taboo kiss. I was so confused though, the shame and love warring within me. The contradictory feelings had kept me up all night.
All I could say was, "Thank you, Mr. Rochester."
"It will never happen again…I was wild with jealousy about what happened between you and James. But my response was monstrous and unwarranted. You are a free woman, Miss Eyre, and you can choose to bestow your affections on whoever you wish," he continued, quiet and serious. As he continued to hold my gaze, I could see how much pain that final sentence cost him. He was right. I had no place in Thornfield, and I had to leave it as soon as I could.
I nodded, although every particle of me begged to be in his arms again. "Thank you," I repeated.
I then swished on the mantle of the governess, my tones business-like and clipped, "And how was Adele when you saw her just now?"
He looked at me, understanding my changed tones, and he quickly adjusted to being the master of Thornfield again.
"She's better. She still does not recall Thornfield or her life here. I'm not sure she ever will. But she is recovering, and even if she does not recall her old memories, I trust that she will make new ones."
I nodded, "And what of her mother?"
His face darkened somewhat, "Eventually, she will have to be told but I want her to be stronger, and have other kinds of love around her to placate the loss of her mother."
"That seems wise, sir. We'll be there to support her as needed," I was as formal as the day I had met Mr. Rochester and that seemed so strange. I knew it was necessary though.
"Thank you, Miss Eyre," he said, and with a curt nod, walked off.
This was good, I reminded myself, as I hurried into Adele's room. This was the only way that we could live under the same roof.
Adele was awake when I entered; sitting up a little against some pillows, and greeted me politely, but without any true recognition. I smiled widely and sat in the chair by the bed, talking to her in French and English, asking about her time at the doctor's.
She chattered away, sounding almost like her usual self, telling me about the doctor, how nice he was to her and Sophie, how he would play games with her when he could, and all the lovely foods that she would eat every day. She sounded like a child again, and my heart delighted in her simple, happy ideas.
"Miss Eyre, will I be able to get up soon?" she asked in French.
I wondered why this question was addressed to me, and I answered in the affirmative but warning her that she would need to get stronger first.
"Oh, I am glad," she said, clapping her hands together, "I want to be able to dance for mama when she returns to me." Her eyes were bright and I struggled to keep the smile on my face as I nodded.
"I'm sure your mama would appreciate it," was all I could say, trying hard not to lie to my young charge. What were we to do? Celine Varens was long gone and I do not think the news of her child's condition would bring her back, considering that she had abandoned her willingly.
Adele continued to speak about her plans when she got better and it was lovely to see the vivacity return to her. Her interests were still decidedly French though, as she spoke about dancing, singing, pretty dresses, and having parties. In our time together, Adele had become a little more English in her likes and had taken up some reading, drawing, painting, and needlework. I wondered if she would find any interest in those past times again.
I remembered the paintings I had made for Adele during my stay at the inn, with a small pang as I thought of Mr. James and his kindness, and resolved to bring them to her at the nearest opportunity.
Sophie came in with Adele's lunch, and I left the two girls to eat together, promising that I would come back a little later in the afternoon.
As I walked back to my room, I passed the tapestry that still covered the stairway to Bertha Mason's quarters. I wondered about the poor woman who was locked in this prison but turned away. She was still a source of too much pain, despite her pitiful condition.
I was here only for Adele, I reminded myself, and turned down the corridor to my own room.