Relapse

by deathbringer374

After TI fic. What if some things went right, and some went wrong? What if nightmares just... never stop? What if after seven years, a soul lies there, agonizing? After a brief episode of blind rage, Asuka leaves to Germany. Seven years pass and one night, the phone rings... AXS. R&R!

9. 9: Medicine Ball

AN: Hi! I'm sorry for the long wait! Got engaged and stuff, so I've been a bit busy. I do apologize. This is the original draft, so some changes might occur, but the overall product should remain the same. Uhm, so. I made dis. I sorry if sucks.

Relapse

Chapter 9: Medicine Ball

Frigid breeze clashed against moist skin and forced shakes from him. There was no smell, there was close to no sound, he did not even feel in control of his own body. Where was this? When? Was he not supposed to be sitting on his couch, having a little nap to keep himself from committing manslaughter? Where was his house? Where…

Where was she?

A flash of red manifested from somewhere, catching his eye, yet no muscle responded. His body was slumped on a couch; the surroundings belonged to the torn down apartment he had stumbled upon after being released from the hospital for a second time. Weeks upon weeks hooked on painkillers, barely processing reality and being tormented with all sorts of pitiful questions, concern and inquiries from the government, only to be released and discover that she had no clue whatsoever that he had almost died.

Twice. He had almost died twice now.

It was hot; so hot he had ripped his shirt's buttons away in an effort to cool off, to no avail. Sweat continued to leak from his tattered, blotted skin as saliva dribbled from his mouth. Noise; voices and flashes deafened his ears, and only by sheer muscle memory was he able to complete the process of serving himself yet another full dose of the dark poison. How much was required anyway, to make him stop feeling altogether?

"Why would I care what the idiot does or doesn't do? He's nothing to me. Now get that camera out of my f-"

He flung the bottle straight through the TV, embedding it in the screen and silencing the troublesome banter at last. What day was it? Why could he still do nothing but be a silent witness to the memory, just like the times he relived the brutal assault on Unit 02 down to every sensation? Everything about the experience felt off-putting, bizarre and unwelcome. His memory went blank after waving goodbye to Asuka that morning, and now he was back in that rotting apartment, watching himself slowly work his way into a potentially deadly overdose.

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered so long as the unbearable emotions went away, nothing mattered if it meant he did not have to feel the sting of betrayal, loneliness, horror and trauma ever again.

"They left me all alone," he heard himself mutter to the empty room. "I drove them away, that's all I know how to do right…" Trapped within the horrid recollection, all he could do was watch himself shoot another dose of black tar heroin into his veins. It felt scalding, like lava burning through the bloodstream that boiled away and erased everything else. "Fucking wimp."

Fatigued, bloodshot eyes fixed on the reflection glaring back from the broken pieces of the old television. The syringe dangled in his grip.

"Fucking wimp."

A boy manifested in the middle of the room, one wearing a familiar school uniform and an even more familiar expression of disgust. His body moved, convulsing up to a standing position only to fall to his knees and hold onto the non-existent child for dear life. Nausea crashed into his awareness, made room spin and almost forced out whatever was in his stomach.

"I couldn't keep her with me," he said to the empty building, to the apparition, to Lilith, and to the memory of Mari. Yet another person he thought was precious had betrayed and pushed him away. "I let her go."

Everything spun, swam and mingled. The windows and walls bloated and disappeared under a haze of darkening hues. Death was knocking; for a moment he saw Her again, staring down at him with pity in her haunting crimson eyes. He pushed the syringe into his arm, empty as it was, and tried to push the empty air into his veins, yet at the most crucial second a tiny vision manifested.

Somewhere far away the sun was setting, and she was sitting opposite to him, smiling.

"I let her go…"

Darkness. He fell on the floor, or the couch, or somewhere. The door cracked and broke under someone's weight, followed by an array of despairing screams. Why was that feeling of loss and despair like a welcome home? It embraced him in familiar nothingness, so he relinquished whatever sanity and hope left to the void in exchange for numbness.

"Told you, Puppy…" he said, words slurring over each other. "She doesn't care. She… doesn't care…"

-"ot like that, you brute! Hold his head properly!"

"I'm doing it properly, Soryu! Can you get this over with, already? You're not the only one with medical training!"

Too weak to focus his gaze on the bathroom wall, he felt a plastic tube get shoved down his throat with little finesse and a cold, salty liquid get poured straight into his stomach. Vomit, alcohol and half-digested pills cascaded down the toilet while a hand too strong to be Asuka's held him back. Fingers tried to approach his face so he nipped at them out of instinct.

"Damn it! He almost bit me!" That voice, it was familiar. How did he know this person? Had he not been sitting in that apartment a few seconds ago? "Sit still, Ikari," the voice murmured next to his ear. "You're gonna tear open the fucking back wound! Still, I said!"

He wanted to slam the person's skull into the toilet and tell him to go to hell for daring to touch him, yet all that came out his mouth was more bile. Pain started to radiate from his three wounds all at once; the effect the first batch of pills had produced was cut short by whatever was being done to him. An attempt at a back elbow was naught but a weak spasm of his arm. He had been getting strong again, had been feeling the exhilarating rush of adrenaline and the ensuing endorphins much more acutely with the growing sobriety. All his strength was absent; he was unable to so much as curse, let alone summon Lilith to make everyone in the building leave.

Unbeknownst to him, She watched from the door with exhausted, haunted crimson eyes.

"That's all of it. Can you get him to the bed by yourself? I need to check the bandages." A female tone, cold and calculating, steeled, echoed through the room.

"Yeah, yeah."

The world was but a mass of strangely colored blots, with a reddish one standing before him. Only then did he notice the extra pair of arms holding him in place.

"I don't see any bleeding aside from the left hand. Evidently this jackass barely managed to get to the couch. What a freaking idiot."

"Said the kettle to the pot," the female retorted, or at least he thought she did. The scent of strawberries and the soft surface of the mattress where the next thing he only barely registered. "On his side, you ape. He's injured if you hadn't noticed."

"I'm doing it! God damn you, woman, why the fuck did I have to pick today to visit, huh? And how are you so calm about all this?" With his body lying on the undamaged side, he lost the battle with consciousness.

"Because these things happen. And me being hysterical or angry won't do a fucking thing to help the situation. Now help me take off his shirt and pants. And can you have some finesse for once in your l-"

Darkness.

"Shinji… A-Asuka, Asuka is…"

The wall pressed against his back as it always did, and as custom demanded, he buried his head deeper into his legs. Bakelite everywhere, robbing him of any possibility of climbing into the monster with his mother's soul. Every bite, every scratch, every torn organ; he felt it all, he saw it all, he did it all. He feasted on Unit 02 while feeling himself get torn apart. The vultures lifted him to the skies and let him fall into a tangled mess.

"Rise and shine, Puppy." The girl lying next to him was not Asuka, to his dismay. His head still hurt from the kick he had taken in the fight. Then he'd gotten drunk, returned to the house where she had been waiting for him, and now she was next to him, naked, trying to draw him into a hug. "Come here, let me give you some cuddles."

He recalled slurring through a very sore throat, and pushing her as far from him as humanly possible. "Get away from me. You're not her."

Her eyes widened and narrowed in quick succession; the words had manifested from his core, as honest as they came, and had hurt her deeply. Perhaps he had been the one who had brought the whole fiasco on himself, by rejecting and hurting her so. Why did it not matter to him?

Everything swam and the sickness dissipated. The pain went away for a few seconds.

"No sudden movements," Asuka told him. He blinked, and she was next to him, gaze fixed on one scar or the other as her finger traced it. "What about this one, here?"

When next he thought of her, the images blazed into his mind.

"-ould you be so fucking stupid? I thought you were the professional here, and he fucking overdoses under your watch! The grand Grossdoktor! I can have you dragged out of here in cuffs if I want! And it's what I damn well will do!"

Who are you? Who do you think you are, talking to her like that! Get out of my house!

Efforts to move proved fruitless; his body felt like a mass of lead, articulating thoughts was almost impossible due to the blinding headache that exploded the second he tried to open his eyes. Something that was definitely not an effect of the pills he had swallowed kept him immobile.

"I understand you're upset," said another voice in a much cooler and more collected tone. "But I can guarantee you, even if I didn't come back at the moment I did, the amount of pills he took would have only put him to sleep for a day or two."

"Oh, you're making excuses now?" the other woman bellowed. He scowled at both the loudness and audacity of this person. "You had a single job, just one job! You left him by himself to do what, get some fucking groceries? And now you stand there and tell me it's not so bad because he basically didn't overdose into an early grave!"

What sounded like a plastic object was hurled at a wall and broke. A growl bled out his throat next; even as the images that led him to the bottle flashed through his mind, the fact that Misato was in his house, daring to scream at Asuka in his presence, was enough to force him into consciousness.

"Shuddup…" he mumbled, which worked wonders on extinguishing the woman's annoying banter. An array of violet and dark blue blobs came into view through his squinted eyes.

"Are you okay, honey? Shin-chan?" Worry was evident in her voice. Misato. Counting the seconds before said concern morphed into anger, he tried again to get up and failed. "Why would you do something so stupid, huh?! I thought you were getting better! Wh-"

"He is getting better." Asuka. Her name was Asuka. Right, she was taking care of him, they had been sharing the same bed for days, and… he had broken his promise to her. "This is a slip in an otherwise unbelievably successful recovery thus far. You're making too big a deal out of this. And you're not letting him rest."

"Rest? He was drooling all over himself if Toji is to be believed! I swear, Asuka, this ends today."

"If you think for a second that Shinji was trying to commit suicide or something along those lines, you really have no clue about who he is. And you're free to try and get me out of here. I can assure you though, I won't go quietly."

"I'll drag you out of here by the hair if I have to!"

Fury boiled in his healing ribcage and forced the stiff body into motion. The oath was for Asuka alone, for her and himself, and none but her had the right to interfere or so much as offer an opinion, considering she had been the one painstakingly putting him back together in the first place. Seven years of silence be damned, she was there with him, and it was all that mattered.

With much of his old strength returned, Shinji's right hand flew off the bed and clasped Misato's wrist in a vice grip. "Get out… of my house… Misato," he managed to rumble out. "This is no… business of yours…"

The pictures went through his tired brain; a needle pressed agains his skull and it dawned on Shinji that he was suffering a most inhuman hangover. The memories of the day's events returned for a heartbeat, just as his eyes involuntarily closed and sleep dragged him down to the abyss. Before he did, nonetheless, his fingers dug into the woman's wrist hard enough to leave a visible bruise.

"Don't you dare…" he spat out with as much wrath as exhaustion allowed. "Talk to her like that…"

He heard nothing more for hours, and felt little else than the entire room spin without reprieve. He saw the Polish man in his dreams, saw the expression of pure disgust erase the smirk he had been wearing the entire fight. Cheers, insults and cries of glee drowned under the realization of the man's words. And he felt it again. Absolute defeat, madness, and resignation.

"What, you not know?" Alex growled, spitting on the floor and pointing to the large podium. "The girl helped organize entire thing. What you think this is, eh? This is fight to the death. You think you're actually saving her from something?"

Pain erupting from his left hand was the next sensation that welcomed him when at last the hazy memories of his fight with Volkov dissipated. Despite the sting of fresh cuts healing under what he assumed to be a bandage, he felt a familiar pressure on his fingers. Many a time had Misato, Krista and even Mari grasped at his hand while he lay unconscious. The scent, however, was unmistakable.

"I'm not going to lose." The whisper forced one of his eyes open. Her voice was hard, grated, and filled with repressed anger. "Not to Misato, not to your monkey friends from the gym, not to Toji." The sting increased along with the girl's grip on his hand. "Definitely not to you, and not because of some stupid crap like this. I said I'd save you, regardless of whether you want it or not."

Drained of all energy, all he could do was grip onto the sheets and gulp down the shame. Failure, like so many other times; all it took was the tiniest slip and he fell, again and again. As cowardice demanded, the fault of his resurgence in drug and alcohol was attributed to the lowly shitstain of a man who had sent him the pictures now engraved in his head.

"It's hard, though." Shinji's heart constricted, with pain blossoming from both the wounds and his chest. "You're not gonna believe this, but Toji just happened to be near the door when I got home." Had he heard correctly? Had she referred to his small apartment as… home?

"After he was done with his bullshit, your crew was the first to come by. Not even that Katy girl bothered to say a thing, none of them held either of us accountable. It's like… heh. Like they expected it. Then Misato came by, and you scared her off." She squeezed his hand. "Thanks, idiot. You gave me a horrible scare, but-"

"Krista," he interjected with a harsh whisper, alerting her. "That bastard." It was still too hard to move; he had drunk too much, taken too many tranquilizers. Odd, how the voices had gone quiet. "I'll kill him."

Quiet breaths and a steady hold on his injured knuckles were the only answer. The atmosphere between them shifted to one brimming with tension.

Perhaps some younger, more immature version of himself would have felt nothing other than unfathomable repulsion and envy. Even when those emotions were the first to swell in his chest, the irrational possessiveness and somehow righteous anger overshadowed any sense of disgust or jealousy he might have felt. Asuka had repeatedly told him what those encounters had meant to her; he felt no initial animosity towards her. She had been unconscious in those pictures.

"I'll kill hi-" His body tried to jolt into a sitting position and was dragged down by Asuka's other hand.

Her fingers dug into the skin of his chest, and through half-closed eyes he saw how bloodshot her eyes were. "God damn you," she growled while towering over him. "What the hell did you do? You broke through the stupid false door for what? To try and overdose on Tylenol and OxyContin? How much stupider can you possibly get!"

"One month," Shinji responded with as much bite as possible. "That's all… I need. Give me a month and I'll rip him apart… for what he did to you."

Agony exploding from his head, injuries and guts stopped him from seeing the intensity in Asuka's gaze. He failed to catch how her eyes softened when he displayed no immediate rejection towards her and narrowed a second afterwards. Her hand changed position and gripped his shoulder, pushing him down onto the mattress.

"That's what you're thinking of right now? I had to get help from two grown men to flush the pills out of your stomach," Asuka retaliated with newfound ire. "Which, thank God, didn't rupture the cut in your stomach walls with your stupid little stunt. What was the endgame here, Shinji? What the fuck?"

His arm shooting up to grab onto Asuka's nape, Shinji used whatever strength and focus he had to get his point across before darkness washed over. "That bastard took advantage of you." His eyes locked with her own wild ones. He failed to register how sudden the movement had been. "I'm gonna keep my promise to him… after I'm done, he won't ever be able to talk." A pang of bitter regret pressed into his healing chest. "He won't… even be able… to send a text."

"Oh, you'll do that like you are right now?" Asuka countered, enraged. "So fucking hungover you can't even get up? There is no way in hell you'll be healthy in a month, especially not with this stunt you just pulled. God damn it, you idiot." She broke eye contact, but even through the dim light her frown was easy to recognize. "You were doing so well."

The initial sting broadened, becoming unbearable. His throat burnt with the desire to pour the strongest rum available; the voices continued to bide their time, staying quiet as anxiety increased his heartbeat. He had failed to keep his word to her, failed to respond to yet another strike life chose to throw his way in any positive form.

"Feels like I just ate a pound of Valium… I broke my promise," he said once Asuka sat back on the mattress, her back to him. "I broke my promise to you." The words were bitter, much more distasteful than bile. "I ran away, like the coward I am. Everything you've been doing for me… down the drain because I'm a wimp. Let me at least keep my word to that asshole."

She flicked his forehead, eliciting a hiss.

"You never promised me you'd get clean, especially on your first go," Asuka elucidated. The statement caught him off guard and silenced him. "You promised me you'd try." Her frown deepened. "And I said that was all I needed. Have I lied to you at any point ever since I came through that door?"

Shinji looked away from her crimson-golden mane and frowned at the bed covers. "No. You haven't lied once, and if you have, it hasn't been to me."

"Whether you break your word or not completely is yet to be seen," she replied. Shinji hissed after a well-aimed punch at his left arm made the wounds on his back and midsection burn. "Don't go making another sudden movement or grabbing me like that. Trust me when I say I will hit you the next time you try."

Clarity returned in droplets, just enough for him to realize how the movement had probably resembled his initial attempt to strangle her during Instrumentality.

It was finally happening; he was finally doing what he should have from the moment Asuka had first entered the house. It was becoming clear just how much of a broken weakling he was. The experience was lovely while it lasted, however little it did. I guess it's enough. You knew this was coming.

"What the hell, you idiot?" she repeated in a dry tone. "Why did you do this?"

Because I'm a coward. It's in my nature to fuck up and drive everyone away. "It's in my blood, I guess," he mumbled back. "Alienating people, hurting people, using people as long as I can. Nothing but… my father's son."

"Oh, so now you're going to blame this on your father, or your genes? Give me a break." To both his dismay and relief, Asuka moved from the mattress to the chair where she had been sitting before he woke. How long had he slept? How long had she been sitting there, talking to his unconscious form?

"Cowards always find an excuse, don't they?" His voice lowered to a cynical tone akin to hers. The spell had been broken after all, what need was there to limit himself anymore? "I told you I'd get on your nerves. This is nothing but a taste."

"Keep it coming then, Third, because this right here?" She motioned towards him. "It's weak. Something this pathetic won't so much as hinder my resolve. You should know better."

"What," Shinji pushed himself to a somewhat sitting position. The room spun, the anxiety forced his heartbeat to thunder in his ears. "I'm supposed to strangle you now to get my point across? This is what I am, Asuka. It's all I am. Wasn't the first time I've tried this, and it sure as hell-" He panted, suddenly tired. The itches had returned with a vengeance.

"You weren't trying to kill yourself," Asuka spat with ire. "But you are a complete jackass. You were almost off the opioids already!" She rose from the seat again, this time with both her hands clenched at her sides. She was livid, angrier than when the paparazzi had meddled. "Now it's gonna be twice as horrible for you! Have you really burned out your brain to this extent, Shinji? Now, I ask again. What the fuck?"

The neighbors exchanged concerned glances, one story up, as the screams entered through the balcony. Something was different, the normal playful undertone behind Asuka's bellows was gone. For once, they chose to close the door.

He said nothing.

Regardless of the bitterness of her voice, Asuka's body language and reddened marks around her eyes told him just how worried she had been. Running away into the street, far away from those eyes shining with betrayal and disappointment was all he wanted to do. Some pills, some of those anti-psychotics were sure to keep the voices quiet as he fled. Any escape was better than remembering those images.

And just like that, they flashed through his mind once more. More than the sight of Asuka's naked body being pressed against another man, what really twisted the blade in his chest was how she had been barely awake, if at all, when the little bastard took advantage of her. All because he had not been there to watch her back.

"I half-expected you to bolt out of bed and into the cabinet you broke through yesterday. How come you're just lying there?" Asuka glared down at him in a manner not unlike during Third Impact. The words rang in his ears without her saying them.

Pathetic.

"You let that lowlife piece of scum ruin all the progress we've made, and for what? I've had to deal with your friends and Misato staring at me like this entire thing is my fault, and they're right." She crouched so as to stand inches away from his face and narrowed her eyes. "From now on, I'll have a permanent watch on you, no matter the cost. I'm not letting you slip like this again."

The anger simmering in Shinji's chest boiled like cheap rum in his gut. "Asuka, you can keep watch all you want, I'm-" He started scratching at the letters on his arm with urgency, chest moving erratically. She was too close, too close after he had behaved so disgracefully. "I'm a self-hating, self-destructive coward. This is me, this is Shinji."

"Bullshit," she said. Inches from him, her eyes displayed wrath and a level of disappointment, but no pity. "You're stronger than you think." Just like in his younger years, Asuka's intensity shut down the better part of his motor functions despite the growing dread in his chest and the cravings for pills and alcohol.

"You stumbled," Asuka continued on. "That's part of recovering. How many times did you almost open your wounds this week alone? It's even worse with the wounds here-" a finger poked him in the chest "-and here." She flicked his forehead, making Shinji turn his head. "Now, answer my question. For the third and last time, Shinji. What the fuck."

"I got fucking mad, alright!" he screamed at last and dragged his tired body off the bed, managing to wobble towards the kitchen and serve himself a glass of water. He hissed twice and almost fell when the leg injury flared at full force.

Asuka did not move to aid him as she usually did. She glared from the room, limiting herself to slowly walking behind him. She sat on the opposite chair, never letting her incensed gaze leave his face.

"I got… understandably angry at the realization that some asshole basically… raped you while you were unconscious!" He raggedly coughed twice, hand flying to his midsection. "Want the truth, there you have it, damn you! I want to fly over to Germany and crush that bastard's neck until his face turns blue."

"You do realize it was me who got super drunk and high and went to him, don't you? We spoke about this a few nights ago." She produced the cracked, broken phone from her pocket. "Whatever he did, I let him do it, or was too drunk to care. I hold no grudges."

"No grudges?" Shinji screamed, and coughed into his hand. "That's abuse, it's basically rape, Asuka!"

"You'd know plenty of it, wouldn't you?" Her voice became ice-cold, quiet and curt. It reminded him of his father, making the itches increase. The words felt like a physical blow. "What you did is not even comparable with what he did, anyhow. He's garbage, doesn't even deserve to be in the same sentence as you. Look, let's agree to not discuss that right now."

"Uhm," Shinji scratched at his arm, feeling the wrath bubble underneath. He'd take this small escape from that particular subject. "Sure, whatever."

"That shit with Moritz is my grudge to hold. Let it go, Shinji. I couldn't care less about that little shit. All I care about is that what he did…" for a moment her tone wavered, before returning to its dead note. "What he did affected you to the point of falling back into the booze and pills," Asuka continued. "You were trying to keep yourself sedated until your body heals enough to hunt him down, and for what?" Her right fist collided with her palm, knuckles digging into the skin.

"You'll beat him to within an inch of his life, sure. You'll crack his jaw, break his teeth into splinters, make it impossible for him to talk properly. And then you'll feel like the lowest scum of the planet for doing that, and you'll do drugs to stop feeling that regret. But it'll fester, and it'll sicken you like it's done for so many years."

"What the hell do you know?" Shinji tried to retaliate, but his heart was already thundering in his ears. I need something. Quick. I need something or I'll snap. "Your grudge to hold? Am I not supposed to be watching your back? Wasn't that the agreement?"

"This is not watching my back, you absolute idiot!" Asuka's fist impacted the table. "This is you finding an excuse to keep running away into your little cycle until it finally kills you!"

He scratched at the brand in his arm with enough ferocity to draw blood from the letters. "I can't believe you're making excuses for that piece of sh-"

"Shut up!" Asuka roared and stood from the table.

"Fuck you!" he shouted back with equal force. "You want me to say it again? Huh? Fine! I masturbated to your naked, comatose body! So yeah, I fucking know a thing or two about abuse, which is what this bastard did!"

"It doesn't matter, Shinji! I was a bitch to that poor loser for just about every second we spent together!" The smashed remnants of the screen, displaying her naked form still, was almost pushed into his face. The voices began to whisper in his ear. "I couldn't care less if the loser uploads them to the internet! I'm beyond this asshole, and you should be too! It's not like these stupid pictures are the real reason you decided to down a full bottle of rum!"

"Oh, do enlighten me, Madam Soryu, on what the real reason was, then!" Shinji's left leg rebelled when he too tried to stand, yet he stubbornly held onto the table for support, if only to glare back. "Tell me!"

"Well, if you'd stop screaming for a second and stop making sudden movements, then I'll be happy to! Now sit down!"

In a further act of defiance, he tried to punch the table himself and was rewarded with a fresh wave of agony throughout all wounds. "This is my house, I'll damn well stand if I feel like it, I've been sitting for the better part of two months!"

The table was pushed aside, impacting against the kitchen counter when Asuka closed the distance between them. "Sit." She pushed him into the chair; Shinji was already so dizzy and exhausted that his legs gave out. "Down."

She's freakishly strong for someone of her size and complexion, Shinji thought off-handedly, shocked to see the girl move the table back into place with the same ease she had pushed it away. "In case it hasn't dawned on you," she said, pushing her chair aside and sat on the table's surface instead, "you almost had an overdose. Third time's the charm, huh? On overdoses, I mean. Look me in the eye right now and tell me you weren't salivating at the thought of something like this. This right here, these stupid little pictures." The already damaged and bent cellphone was crudely introduced to the wall. "They're just what you've been waiting for ever since I said I'd save you. Here we are. It's seven years ago all over again, Shinji."

Breaking eye contact, Shinji chose to scowl at the floor. "So I guess that means," he muttered with some sense of bitter defeat. "That it's time for you to hate me again."

The tension dissipated slowly. With each minute that the silence stretched out in the kitchen, both young adults felt more at ease despite the discussion the neighbors both upstairs and downstairs had probably heard. However painful, speaking of the issue was vastly preferable to the horrible silence or constant misunderstandings from their piloting years.

Asuka sighed and shook her head, removing a strand of hair from her face. "You can't even fully commit to being an asshole to me for an entire afternoon, and you're saying I'll hate you. Idiot." Shinji noticed her shoulders slouch just a bit. "I left you in the house by yourself plenty of times and nothing happened. Why did you have to break that trust?"

"So you'll leave," he grated. "So you'll be safe. From me." The bandages surrounding his left hand came into view. "I can do so much worse. I've done so already. Horrible things, unspeakable things… to the people that cared for me. You said you were mean to this Moritz asshole." When their eyes next met, Asuka saw both overpowering fear and regret in his expression. "I was mean to Mari, I was. I can be a monster and I don't-" The cuts between his knuckles stung when he closed his fist. "-I don't want to hurt you."

"You already did. You scared the shit out of me." Shinji recoiled at her proclamation. "The one time I leave you to go get groceries, and then when I come back you-" He watched her shoulders hunch even more. Shame quickly overshadowed the wrath and killed his desire to push her away in an instant.

"I open the door, and you're just lying there, pale," Asuka quietly continued. "Drooling, almost at the point of convulsing. If you thought for a second that stupid stunt was gonna push me away, then tough shit mister." She glared through the curtain of crimson obscuring her features. "If anything, I'm not going to let you leave my sight anymore."

"Why can't you just…" Shinji gripped at the material of his shorts. "Why can't you just be safe?"

"I've been safe for seven years. Fuck safe, I want to be happy," Asuka deadpanned without missing a beat.

"And you'll get that by sharing a roof with me? Dealing with me?" It was Shinji's turn to shake his head in derision. "I'm a walking disease, Asuka. All I'm gonna do is make you sick."

No effort was made to reduce the space between them; she continued to sit opposite to him on the table, while he looked down at the floor and occasionally stole a glance at her. Shinji's healthy leg fidgeted up and down along with his erratic breathing. The scratching extended to his leg and the back of his head. Why could she not see he was trying to protect her for once?

Well, he realized with a strained chuckle. She's Asuka, after all. I shouldn't have expected less.

"All you've done before yesterday is help heal me, not make me sick," Asuka commented after a few moments. "And even this… seeing you sit there and scratch away, nervous, pale… even this won't do anything but harden my resolve to stay. We still have at least two months to go."

No, Shinji thought with abrupt despair. Don't do that, please. Stop looking at me. I can't let you see me like this. "What you're trying to do is impossible. I've tried, I really have, but every time I think about that prick now..." His fist slammed against the table twice; the wounds burned, his skin felt scalding and cold at once, as though he had a fever. "Every time, I want to do something… horrible. And to stop myself from that I need-" He coughed and scratched under the slash in his midsection. "I need something right now."

"Tough luck, Third. Pharmacy's closed thanks to your little stunt," Asuka retorted with a definitive tone. She got to her feet and crouched to glower at him at eye level. "I told you. Nothing is impossible for me. Nothing. Now, you said you need something." She placed both hands on each side of him, trapping Shinji on the chair. "I can give you half a Ninja Star, make some soup and tend to your wounds. But forget about more pills of any kind."

"You don't understand," Shinji answered more urgently, eyes frantically moving to the corner of the room. The afterimage of the vision changed with every blink, Mari appeared and faded, then her mother, and lastly Lilith. Why did the blasted Angel look so despondent?

"I'm… not well. Asuka, I need something." He gulped. His throat was dry, panic was settling in his chest. "Please, please, I'll be good. I won't hunt him down, not until you tell me to. Just please, something."

Asuka drew him into a firm hug, pulling his shaking form to hers and pressing her temple against his. "I'm sorry." The whisper caressed his ear and eased the dread a tiny fraction. "I can't, not anymore. You told me you wanted to get away from the opiates and the anti-psychotics. We'll make it, you just have to trust me."

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Shinji's arms snaked around the girl's back and ensnared her. Fuck. I can't give it up. I'm such a fucking idiot. "I'm scared. They're talking to me, they're… I can see them."

"I know, but you don't have to worry about them. They won't hurt you, not really. I told you I wouldn't let them."

"Why are you god damn stubborn?" His voice coming out muffled, Shinji did his best not to break down crying or to bite onto Asuka's shirt to keep his lips from trembling. "I don't want to hurt you again."

"You'll hurt me more by keeping up this destructive cycle of yours than you'll ever do by stumbling on your way to recovery. You know this. I don't give two shits about Moritz or his dumb pictures." Asuka's nails softly dug into his scalp. "It's in the past. Do those pictures make you think… less of me?"

"What?" Shinji drew away enough to hold her gaze. "Of course not! You told me about this! It's just… that bastard. What he did…"

"You're letting him win by giving into his pathetic effort to destabilize you. And you know why he's doing that?" Shinji shook his head; more of the terror and anxiety quieted under her steady, confident expression. "Because he wasn't enough, and he never will be. Now, show me you're better than him."

"How?"

Asuka gave him a wide, toothy grin, one that reignited the terror, forced it to extend all over his body and stirred the basic instinct of fleeing before being devoured by a hungry lioness. His heartbeat thundered even worse, muscles tightening with the promise of punishment to come.

Withdrawal. Hell.

"First of all, we're gonna have you sweat out all those disgusting narcotics, and then I'm going to sit by your side all night long, and make sure you don't die, or that those stupid visions don't mess with you. For so many years, your gifts, your letters, your calls… they were my anchor, Shinji." Her hand caressed the side of his face, thumb gently tracing an old cut around his cheekbone. "I want to return the favor."

We can't. Get her away right now. Please, please, no more of this. Giggles, grunts, screams and whispers came and went along with the sight of the boy he had been standing by the corner. We already hurt her, you must get her away.

Her eyes and hand stayed on his face, truly working as an anchor to reality. I can't, he rebuked with despair, and a queer, strangely satisfying sense of defeat. I can't get away. I'm going through this, and then I'm going to hunt down that piece of shit and devour him.

"I didn't mean to scare you," Shinji admitted at last. The gentleness she displayed broke him to pieces. "Sorry."

"Baka." Her forehead nudged against his in the same manner she had done before shocking him with a surprise dinner date. It all became too overwhelming; the terror, the shame, the wrath and helplessness mingled and forced hot tears to trail down Shinji's cheeks. "Let it out. It's fine if you're scared. I know it itches. I know it hurts. Let me in."

No reply came other than muffled sobs and a renewed vigor in the embrace they shared; Asuka made no mention of how pathetic and weak he might have looked. In his despair the young man failed to notice how her skin was also clammy, or how her teeth chattered from time to time, or how she bit her lip to keep her own tears at bay. The semi-standing position while the young man clung onto her for dear life was also less than comfortable.

She had gotten off the pills herself two days before. The deed was done; her body was intoxicated with benzodiazepines and would rebel for the coming ten days or more. Shinji would not suffer alone, not this time.

"I'll give you a pass only because you scared Misato enough for her to leave," Asuka whispered after Shinji's sobs descended to quiet sniffles. "You made a sudden move, though. You idiot."

"She was out of line." The words rang through the living room, quiet and muffled as they were. "Who does she think she is, talking to you like that? She was lucky I was too messed up to articulate a proper sentence."

"You watched my back. Thanks."

Asuka patted his cheek twice and went about preparing the promised soup while he struggled to remain seated and not bolt out the door to get narcotics.

"Even if I scared you?" Shinji asked once the smell of spices and chicken stew float in the air.

"You scared Toji more than me," Asuka lied, unbeknownst to Shinji. "Poor monkey came by to see his friend and ended up flushing your damn stomach."

"Wait, what? That was Toji? I thought it was Fritz."

"Fritz was also helping, he just wasn't complaining like a child. Your monkey friend stayed next to your bed for the better part of a day."

"You're kidding."

"Am not!" Asuka retorted. "He's a fairly competent nurse, I'll give him that much. I could have done without the complaining, though."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "He's always had a big mouth."

"Maybe you ought to crack it to splinters again, then he'll learn."

Both above and below their apartment, Shinji's neighbors exchanged worried glances and prayed in different languages for whichever darkness loomed over the entire complex to be dispersed as quickly as possible.

---

This is some sick joke, right?

Reinhardt had been an active member of the Special Forces before seeking employment in the private sector. The bodyguard had two international kickboxing championships under his belt and had been the one to teach him martial arts as a youth; the man had been a more active father figure than his own family. The sound of Reinhardt's jaw cracking under the monstrous punch reverberated through him.

An echo of pain and a half-cut scream rang out through the abandoned boxing gym.

What kind of man is he?

The next to fall was Ivan. A strong-willed, ill-mannered Russian trained since childhood in wresting and military tactics proved to be little competition, if any. The take-down attempt proved to be his undoing as the opponent lifted him with little difficulty and slammed him onto the mat, knocking him out. Three on one, the very best of his security detail against the monster, and not a single hit had yet to land on the bearded giant.

You're telling me that he's stronger than this beast?

One of the two trained fighters he hired tried a spinning heel kick followed by a flurry of punches, all of which missed their mark. This man has such strength, thought the young German in despair. A leg kick, two body blows and an elbow later, a fourth victim fell, blood flowing from a freshly opened cut near his temple.

He's so fast for someone his size, so versatile. Reinhardt got to his feet and tried a valiant last stand, only to be most likely permanently disfigured when the larger man threw him to the ground and rained down heavy, precise punches on his head. And while harboring so much potential, this man is thorough. The fifth combatant, a submission specialist, climbed on the man's back and grabbed him in a rear naked choke. He's tireless. Gripping at both the specialist's wrists, the monster disentangled the tight grip as though the arms belonged to a toddler and not to a decorated fighter of his same weight class.

Cartilage broke with a deafening crack when a headbutt sunk the fighter's nose in, followed by a final body smashing against the canvas. And he's a… perfectionist. Victorious, the bearded figure went about smashing in the faces and silencing the other four men lying in small puddles of their own spit and blood. How was it that a single man could make fighting seasoned professionals look like child's play? And how on Earth had a twenty-one-year old beaten him?

Shinji Ikari is… Shinji Ikari is stronger than this beast.

"Ay, kurwa. Seems like I went little overboard. Eh, they'll survive." Alexandyr Volkov stepped over the unconscious bodyguard and walked over to him, towering with a cold, satisfied smirk, blood smeared all over his cheek. Silver teeth glimmered from the man's lower jaw. "Can't say same about you, little boy."

Why did I get drunk and high to the point of doing that? What the fuck was I even thinking? His knees trembled under the sheer bloodlust the man exuded. Shinji Ikari had beaten this beast in a one on one fistfight. "How… did he beat you? How is that even possible?"

"Hah! Stupid question." A hand fell on his shoulder and squeezed in an almost reassuring manner. "You think skill, speed or strength matter when you fight with lion?"

The world faded away under the agony of having his internal organs get rearranged. Volkov had struck him with a deadly liver shot in a heartbeat, striking so fast he barely registered the burst of motion. He fell to his knees, vomited on the floor and heaved as his body short-circuited and shut down.

"I hit him with this shot, more than once. Sunk his face into ground, but in the end… I was mauled, picked apart piece by piece, easily. Mind you, boy, I never did a thing to him. I just took opportunity to measure my strength against superior specimen." The assassin crouched down with a broad smile, and removed the glove on his right hand to present the maimed remains of it. "I can't wait to see what he does to you."

Not even bothering to collect the hefty package containing his payment, Volkov turned and walked away. Moritz shivered on the ground, shock and fear curling through his insides. Inebriation and the effects of Colombian cocaine had erased the memory from his head; Shinji had already killed people before. The Third Child was prone to extreme violence whenever Asuka was insulted in any way. He wanted to smirk or laugh, to bask in the fleeting victory of having some negative effect on Ikari's relationship with Asuka and his overall recovery.

All he felt was pain and fear. All he thought about were the pictures of the men Shinji had brutalized; the way he had bitten Volkov's fingers off, broken his jaw, cracked his molars and beaten him to a pulp.

"I'm never… drinking again…" he muttered to the five unconscious men. Reinhardt coughed up blood and pieces of his front teeth. "Never again…"

---

Halfway across the globe, a second day came and went with the former Third Child shivering in bed.

Shinji lay in a pool of sweat, with a leather belt clutched tightly between his teeth, hissing in pain as the healing lacerations announced their displeasure, and taking desperate glances at the door. Erratic half-coughs and shallow breaths sprang from his chest while he struggled to move.

"Two more reps you lazy idiot, let's go. You have a three-minute break coming after your done with this set." Asuka flicked him on the forehead to get him back on the leg raises, and with the belt in his mouth Shinji's reply consisted only of angry, muffled grunts. "Yuck, look at all this sweat. I told you I'd make you expel all those stupid narcotics. Two more! Move it, Third!"

Yet another growl bled out of his throat. Shinji had noticed the change in their interactions almost immediately after waking up. Asuka had been livid at first, looking ready to beat him to a pulp for his stupidity, while positively glowing with unrestrained wrath. As time progressed and they went about the varied exercises comprising his physical therapy, there was an absolute lack of deviousness or playfulness.

At some point during their weeks together, Shinji had gotten used to her jabs and snide remarks; he eagerly anticipated whatever effort she had in store to annoy him, knowing they'd both be laughing like fools soon after he reacted. He was basically drooling in exertion, and she said nothing. After the two reps he sat on the ground, breathing heavily with the belt laying beside his head.

His heartbeat quieted somewhat, only to rise again after a full minute went by and Asuka offered him water and nothing else. The air felt heavier than the first time he had woken up to see her next to his bedside, and something told Shinji it was not all related to his little stunt.

"Let's go, your three minutes are up. You don't have another therapy session in the tank for another three days, so if you don't want your skin to start boiling, get to the next exercise."

Asuka's tone was flat and strained. Her eyes displayed not anger, but a level of disenchantment and resignation; her hands shook from time to time and there was no giddy energy about her. It's like she's a parent and she's telling me that she's not angry, just disappointed.

And why wouldn't she be? Mari asked from the ceiling as her skin melted off. You couldn't even stay sober for a full two weeks, Puppy. I never forced you to do those things, remember? I never forced you. I helped you, and all you did was push me away.

Shut up.

Not without your meds, Puppy. Not without the medicine I gave you. I healed you, all she does is make you sick. Mari's smile morphed into his mother's while he performed slow and measured squats while holding to a chair for support. His leg burned and took away the sight of Yui's face and the screams, making his caretaker's silent treatment more intolerable. Throughout the sit-ups, hip extensions and leg raises, all he heard was his own labored breathing.

Exhaustion quickly morphed into nausea after the final exercise was done. "I think I…I think I'm gonna be sick."

"You've got nothing in your stomach besides water and chicken broth, so feel free to use the spit bucket," Asuka coldly replied, and went about putting away the mat and other equipment. "If you see blood, let me know. Otherwise get ready for your shower, God knows I need one after two days. Can you manage five minutes without overdosing or choking on your own puke?"

"I don't know." The dizziness, itches and desperation forced the most rotten part of him to come through. "Can you manage a year without trying to kill yourself? It's become something of a yearly tradition with you." Stop, the boy pleaded, fighting against the chains for once. Stop it, stop it! "What is it now, three times?"

"Four."

The word was uttered with actual emotion behind it, and it stung worse than any indifference might have before. Fleeting and pointless, his bravado lasted all of a glorious fifteen seconds, drowned under the monumental regret that sunk like a blade in his gut. At some point during their time together, the addiction towards her smiles and angry retorts had only increased, and the effort of driving her away had become almost as terrifying as the idea of falling asleep.

"Asuka," he started after a few seconds. "I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say t-"

"It's fine, it's part of the process. I told you to let loose, so feel free to get all the anger off your chest. I'm sure it'll make you feel better." Even through the raging heartbeat in his eardrum and the voices, Shinji noticed the way Asuka's voice shook. "I'll be in the shower. Five minutes. Try and behave, will you?"

The door closed with a clap behind her, leaving Shinji lying on the ground, shivering and hissing whenever the perspiration moistened the bandages and grazed the tender skin of his newest scars. From deep within the rattling of chains alerted him. In a second, he was sitting there again; always back to that place. The screams flowed through next, his memory shifted to that of Asuka's and all her emotions during the fight came through. His eye exploded in a gory mess, blood flowed down his face and onto the floor, followed by the obligatory disemboweling and devouring.

Left alone in the living room, too weak to get up and crawl over to the drawer he had broken, he was torn apart by the Eva Series. Sanity cracked as he held his head in a vice grip, fingers digging into his own scalp. The chains broke.

I told you we can never hurt her, and still you did just that. You know what it means. Lilith stared at him with those gigantic eyes, her face shifting to Rei's and Kaworu's. It had been months since he remembered either. I'm not sorry about this.

Relentlessly dragged into Hell and about to fall to the Void in its entirety, Shinji strained his hearing and focused on the sound of the shower; Asuka was still in the apartment. The most horrible parts of him were shining through and she withstood it without complaint. He closed his eyes, placed his hands on his knees and began doing the breathing exercises Coach had taught him.

That the best you got? he asked the child with a renewed sense of rebelliousness. Asuka expected more of him, so she would get it. Dismantling Moritz could wait; the opportunity would be earned, not taken.

Give it your worst, I'm right here. Recruit the whole Club of the Pathetic if you must, he thought, breathing in, breathing out, focusing on the sting of his wounds, the strain of his muscles and the sound of the shower. I slipped, sure. I hurt her. But I'll do my best to not fuck up again. I promised.

Mother laughed, morphing into Mari, then shifting to Rei for a second before settling on Lilith. She wasn't smiling, merely watched him with a look of absolute despair. Will you keep your word, now? Or will you run away again, Shinji? The very worst is coming. I can already feel the disgust for your dearest Asuka fester and grow inside you.

"Shut up, I said," he slurred to the apparition, who nodded and disappeared in a blink. Old wounds around his ribcage, back and face began to ache. He heard the cheers and laughter from the underground arena, heard the laughter of the men hired to attack him. Terror brought more involuntary shaking, the itch to numb himself in whichever possible way was stifling. Asuka's naked body and the bastard's smug smirk flashed past every now and then.

"Hold the air in for five seconds, Shinji," he recited Coach's words from memory. "That's what sobriety is, living five seconds at a time. Five seconds, then the next, and the next."

Five seconds. He breathed in, breathed out. Asuka died, whispering 'I'll kill you'. Five seconds. His arm went flying after Zeruel slashed through it, and Rei's Evangelion exploded. Rei never came back; she was dead. Dead, after sacrificing her very soul for him. There had to be a reason why every time he was so close to death, something dragged him back, forced him to live on despite the agony.

"Five, four, thee, two, one…" came his shaky voice as he exhaled. Worry bled into the whirlwind of negative emotions simmering in his chest. Why had Asuka's hands been shaking like that? Was her skin paler? "Fuck. Concentrate."

Why had her eyes been drifting towards the bathroom so many times?

---

By sheer dumb luck or coincidence, she had left the speaker inside two days before, so blasting some other random noise to drown out the shower took but a few seconds. Once rock music and water thundered into the small area, Asuka doubled over the toilet and retched up the scraps she had consumed earlier.

"God… damn it. Breathe in, breathe out, Asuka, bre-" She dry-heaved into the bowl, panting, sweating and shaking. "Fuck, breathe. Get it together. He'll probably want to lay down and pretend to sleep, then try and get the pills while I sleep. Can't slip up a second time, Second."

The sound of the rope straining against the weight of her dead mother came from behind, near the shower. Oh, but you're already slipping, Shatzling. Poor baby, shaking like that, sweating and puking like you're a sick child. Then again, that's exactly what you are in the end. Still a little girl crying for Mama.

"Shut up," she mumbled in between heaves. Her own heart had been racing for the better part of Shinji's training session. Holding back the need to shake him, slap his face and demand a proper response to her inquiries had been almost as unbearable as the memory of her jumping in bed with Moritz, or whatever snippets of the night remained. "I slipped, he slipped. We'll fall right down into the Void together, and rise back up… together. Like a team. Like…"

Like a family? Why, that is pathetically romantic, mein Shatz. I'm sure your dearest Shinji will be ecstatic to hear more on that Makinami girl and what you did to her. Can't wait for that little conversation to take place.

The corpse dangled from the ceiling, smiling and exuding a stench of rot and antiseptic all at once; it was beyond nauseating. Similar visions had assaulted before, they would bide their time and creep up at the moments where her defenses had crumbled from exhaustion, sickness, or both. At times, the seat of the Entry Plug and handles felt so real it was impossible to discern reality from the sensation, even the control yokes appeared in her hands.

Blood dribbled down her face, then stopped and disappeared altogether. Panic and anxiousness beyond comprehension nestled and festered in her chest, constricting her lungs. The nausea abated somewhat, only to return much worse when the image of Mari's burning corpse sprang from the toilet water. She fell backwards in shock, and went about undressing with haste.

The girl's dying cackles were as loud as the music, and the strained sound of the noose and rope never abated. Cold water splashed on her in the hope of rousing her just enough to face Shinji and survive the night. Massive amounts of coffee were required, both for her, and eventually for her patient in case the nightmares magnified to the point of feeling real.

Asuka scrubbed at the skin of her right arm with urgency, yet the sight of it splitting in two relentlessly refused to go back into dormancy. For almost two years the flashbacks had been banished into the realm of nightmares. With her body thirsting for diazepam, alcohol and whatever else was available, the horrid memories that had pushed her into trying to end her life resurfaced.

"Not real, Asuka," she whispered, and focused on the music blaring from Shinji's gift. She still had so many gifts left to unwrap with him. "Remember. Carry the heaviest burden you can manage and master it. You've mastered this already. Don't fail, not to him, not when you've already come so far."

Vertebrae cracking thundered over the sound of the shower and the music. Mama smiled. A stupid gamble you played, one which will be your undoing. What was the endgame here, dear daughter? Poisoning yourself with the pills you relinquished two years ago, and all for what?

If the trepidation, regret and anger she felt whenever Shinji held her as they slept was any evidence, there was still plenty that was broken inside her. Asuka glared at her mother, determination shining through her gaze even when her body trembled.

"All for us," she declared in a resolute whisper. "Because I want to do this. Now shut up, unless you want me to tell him you're bothering me." Whatever part of her subconscious that clung onto Shinji was, it was strong enough to force Mama's bloated mouth shut. When she thought of him, not even the Eva Series would reach her as efficiently, especially as of late. "He'll rip you apart in any way he can. So get back to your cage, Mutter."

The apparition glared, as it would when defeated, and faded into nothing a few moments afterwards.

She had left Shinji to suffer alone for long enough. She had let herself suffer stupidly for long enough, it was time to seek happiness, safety be damned. Asuka held a shaking hand in front of her and clenched it into a fist; two years of preparation had finally borne fruit.

Five minutes. The living room was exactly as she had left it, with Shinji sitting in on a chair breathing deeply, eyes closed. She could see him mouthing something, and while the voice was too quiet to discern the words, she recognized the slow rhythm in which his chest rose and fell. How very compelling it was, to see him breathe without much trouble or pain.

Look at that, we even do the same stuff when the PTSD strikes. What a pair of idiots we are. Resisting the urge to scratch at her arm or her eyebrow again, Asuka dug her nails deep into the skin of her forearms. Her eyes softened upon noticing Shinji's concentrated frown. How hard was he focusing to ignore the voices? Still can't stay mad at him for more than a few hours, even after he almost offed himself. When did I become such a softie?

Most of the tension had evaporated from the living room, but was yet to fade altogether. The night was quiet, little else than a passing car in the distance or some wild critter outside interrupted the sound of their breathing. Without meaning to and just by watching him, her breathing synced with his.

"Hey." Asuka placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder, the first comforting gesture ever since he regained consciousness. "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible," Shinji said with a half-smile. "My skin itches and burns, my heart feels like it's going to burst and all four of my stupid cuts are stinging." Her fingers quivered the tiniest bit. "Ah, and the flashbacks, can't forget those." So unworthy of her touch and concern. Look at you, your nose is running already, you fucking junkie. Disgusting. "Asuka, I'm really sorry. I… I wish I could promise you I won't do it again but-"

"Will you stop apologizing, already?" Asuka's other hand came to rest on his head, with her ring finger caressing a scar above his ear. "We agreed to try, so let's try. Time for your shower, then we'll go to bed."

"Okay," he noticed how Asuka neither acknowledged nor rejected his apology. The dread never waned, not the tiniest fraction, neither did the burning in his throat, neither did Asuka's grip on his shoulder. Fuck it, let's keep trying. If not for yourself, for her. She's finally here, Ikari. Finally, and she isn't pushing you away. Do something for once in your life, you coward.

He stood on shaky legs, surprised to find her hand supporting his back."Lead the way."

---

Another day and night flew by with her ensuring that Shinji survived extreme dehydration and random tremors. Neither slept much, with Asuka keeping watch, sitting on a chair and Shinji withering in pain every few hours. They ate in silence, both feeling sickened and feverish while she pretended normalcy.

The strain kept getting worse. It felt like a bomb waiting to explode.

Before she helped him to the bed, Asuka cleaned and bandaged the injuries a third time, made certain there were no ulcers or internal bleeding, and sat by the bed in silence. The shame, as well as the wrath, had been almost palpable in him even through the silence of a full day with almost not a word spoken. It would all only worsen with the coming days, both Shinji's mood and her own.

It's only because you're so precious to him that he hasn't done anything absurdly violent, genius, Asuka's tired mind was happy to point out. Keeping her eyes open or her body on the chair and not next to him was physically painful, and more demanding than any training session had ever been.

The last time he got clean, Shinji locked himself up in a room for days to keep himself from hurting anyone else. And still, he obliterated the poor bastard Fabio in that fight. Now he's lying there, pretending to sleep, shaking, nose running, sweating. He doesn't have to, he has no obligation whatsoever to get clean. He's a somewhat functional member of society, has a job, a circle of people who care for him. He even had a girlfriend who loved him. Why was that never enough?

"She's not you."

"None of them are, Baka," she whispered. "But maybe that's for the best. You keep saying you're a disease, heh." A shiver ran down her spine. Every time she saw the scans, the lines on his face and felt the lumps on his hands, the memory from two years before came alive. "I keep saying it makes two of us."

"S-Stop t-t-t-talking nonsense." Shinji's teeth chattered loud enough for her to hear. His body shook under the covers, ever so often he would hiss in pain when the healing tissue stretched. "I h-hate that."

"And I hate the way you talk about yourself. I hate that you hold yourself responsible for everything, hell," she chuckled humorlessly. "You're probably thinking those pictures are somehow your fault too, am I right?"

The damp fabric rustled as Shinji carefully turned to his uninjured side, and stretched out a hand in her direction. "P-Probably, yeah."

"Are you gonna tell me what the hell you were thinking once and for all?" she asked next, placing a hand on his own. "It's been some time, already."

"R-Running away," Shinji grated with a strained smirk. "I thought it'd b-be best if I did t-t-that. S-Sorry."

Her gaze softened at the way Shinji's features withered in pain. His grip on her fingers increased. So strong, when he wants to be. Now he's just the idiot I remember. No armor, no layers, no persona, just Shinji. "Well, it was really stupid, I'll tell you that. But," the gesture was reciprocated; Asuka squeezed back with equal fervor, "I'll take it over the alternative of you snorting coke, getting on a plane and doing something way stupider than what you did."

"Why the h-h-hell aren't y-you madder, huh? Why aren't you more upset?"

"I've been training for this specific situation for two years, Shinji. You know, it's funny you should ask that." His free hand scratched away at the word on his bicep. "Why aren't you more upset… with me? Doesn't it sort of disgust you, all those things I did with that asshole? What I…" Asuka's eyes drifted to the floor. "What I let him do?"

"Y-Y-You said," his voice strained even more and in a somewhat surprising move, Shinji turned to the bathroom door. "Will you shut the fuck up over there? I'm trying to have a conversation!"

"And stay quiet for fuck's sake!" The pillow was hurled at the door, eliciting a small laugh from both. "Anyway, you were saying?"

"You told me all about t-that night, r-r-remember?" The scratching never stopped, only decreased with time. "About why you did w-what you did. It's not like I didn't do my share of fucking around, is it? With H-Hikari, I mean. A-And you never even bring it up. S-S-So who am I to tell you what you can and can't do?"

"Whatever happened with Hikari happened between two consenting adults. Not my problem. Does it bother me?" Asuka said with a sad smile. "Of course it does, I believe in the same way Moritz's existence bothers you. Granted, Hikari's a nice person, not a piece of shit."

"J-Just let me heal enough to t-throw a punch a-"

"No." Both her hands grasped his the same way they had recently. "I told you. If you do that, he wins. Don't give him the satisfaction. You want to do something for me that badly? Something about what he did?" Shinji nodded. "Then start treating yourself like you're someone responsible for helping. For once in your damn life, pretend you're that Kamila girl."

"Krista."

"Whatever her name is. You dragged her out of a gang-infested neighborhood, tied her to a bed and detoxed her for ten days. How about doing that for you, this time?"

The quakes became more infrequent, soon enough Shinji was blinking heavily, struggling to stay awake. "I can try. Care to… tie me to the bed, when the time comes?"

"You bet your idiotic little ass I will." Relinquishing the chair altogether, Asuka crouched next to the bed and put her head on the mattress. "You would've done it for me, a thousand times over. Remember all those times you fed me, or helped me bathe without daring to peek? Or how you jumped in to save the life of a little girl? How about having someone do some of that for you for a change?"

"The guys… from my gym, three y-years ago," he managed in between yawns. "You should've hired local thugs… who didn't speak German…"

"And where would be the fun in that? Now, what did I say you should start doing?"

Shinji strained to recall the words amidst the laughs and screams in his head. "Treat yourself like you're someone… responsible for helping…"

"There." Asuka's left hand rose to ruffle his matted hair. "I could… get you something for the pain, just a little bit, maybe some edib-"

"No point… in that," Shinji interrupted with a shake of his head. "Developed too much… of a tolerance. Don't want… any more pills, or anything else. I'll be begging for them… soon enough, just not tonight. Not tonight."

"Good answer." Shinji's eyes closed, his body stopped moving for the time being. Two sleepless nights fell on both their shoulders and exhausted minds. "You're learning."

"Well," he said, and coughed. His breathing settled at last, and he slumped into the mattress. "You're still here, watching my back, even after my stupid stunt…"

"Just trying to keep my half of the bargain, you idiot." Are you going to keep yours, even as you heal? Please do. "And making up for so much lost time. Never give me a scare like that again, you got me? I'd rather have you throw shit at the wall and try to strangle me than find you drooling and at the point of convulsing again."

"Duly noted…"

Her friend and patient nodded off. Only the deep, even breaths she had gotten used to, interrupted only by the occasional hiss remained. She traced down the line above his eyebrow. Speaking of watching your back, wait till you see what I do to Kaji for this. Just you wait, Baka. That asshole in Germany, though? Not even worth our trouble.

"Watching your back, huh. If you only knew. Maybe you already do… how horrible is that thought, even after two years." Faintly, she heard the rope dangling. Flames, screams and deranged laughter echoed through her mind as Asuka's own body began to tremble. "You might've been right about something. It really feels like the time to hate again."

Her eyes closed and she half-collapsed on the seat, head lulling to the side.

---

Get the hell out? Get out when she's neglecting the one thing she came here to do? How about no? How about you hold her accountable for something just once in your life, Shinji?

"Come on, baby. Let go of mommy's hair now, she needs it for work."

Misato disentangled her daughter's tiny fingers from her purple hair. The baby had been overly content with being aloof to her sour mood and tugging at her clothes, hair or fingers whenever her attention deviated from the toys. She focused on the child's innocent smile, her brown hair and lively eyes, devoid of any pain or trauma and so different from those of her former wards.

The early morning hours ticked by and she sat there with little Rei, trying to come up with a justifiable excuse to banish Asuka from Shinji's life once and for all. Medical negligence, how about that? Assault and battery, gotta have it. If I try hard enough I can even twist it to two separate attempted murder cases. Except now Shinji's an adult, at least in the eyes of the law. I'm seven years too late.

"Mama!" the girl yelped with joy, pointing at the bedroom door. "Papa!"

"Hmm? Who's that, again, baby? Can you tell mommy who that big, unshaven dork is?"

"Papa!" The youngest member of the Katsuragi household ran over to her father, stretched out her arms and was immediately picked up. "Papa! Beard!"

"Yep, that's papa's beard!" Ryoji said to his daughter. "Who's my smart little girl? Now, can you tell me what's happening with mama that has her looking at that window? Can you?"

"Mama mad!" Rei waved her arms and frowned for emphasis. "Mama think of uncle Shini! Now mama mad!"

"Well, that's nothing new, is it, baby? Now run along, we're going for some breakfast waffles today!" No sooner than he set her on the ground, the little girl dashed to her room.

"Waffles!"

Kaji's eye's softened as he watched her go, then settled on his wife who still sat on the floor and glowered at nothing. "She's loved waffles ever since Shinji made her those some months ago. Always asks why they don't taste the same."

Misato's head shook, hair obscuring her features. "Figures. Shin-chan has a way around the kitchen. Even Asuka's so enamored with it she ain't budging. Stupid girl almost had him die under her watch and she had the gall to stand up to me."

"Shinji does what he does because of you."

She huffed and turned to look at her husband. "I like to act like I've been any better, when Shin-chan's already almost died three times under my watch. Well, four times if you consider this one."

Sitting next to her, Kaji drew her into a hug and kissed the top of her head. He's had worse, he thought, but knew better than to say it. "He'll be fine. You said it yourself, before this happened he had been livelier than he's been in years. I'm sure Asuka already hit him with the 'if you don't change I'm leaving' line, after this debacle." He nudged her on the side. "Something like this was bound to happen, it was only a matter of when, and how severe."

"And him almost falling into a coma counts as not severe enough?" Misato retorted, yet Kaji could easily discern the helplessness in her voice. "I should've just done what Asuka suggested the other day, and flown him to Moscow. She's too young and inexperienced to be handling Shinji… this is going to end horribly."

Ryoji gulped and prepared for the upcoming storm, praying for little Rei to burst out of the room at any moment. "Have a little more faith in Asuka. She's extremely competent with her job."

"That's the thing, though," Misato stared at ground, lost in thought. "She's too involved, too invested in his recovery. Anybody with two neurons in their brains will tell you that's terrible, especially considering Shinji's mental state. We have to intervene and get her out of there. I've called six times today, and still no answer."

"Rei's bound to be done dressing soon," he held her close for a few more precious seconds. "If you want, I can peek, see how things are going. Want me to talk to Toji, or Kensuke? I'll go there myself if it makes you feel better."

"Toji's the safest choice," Misato agreed with a nod. The door of their daughter's room opened and the ray of energy and life clung to her father like a baby koala. "He was there two days ago when all this crap went down, and acted relatively civil. I was surprised, to be honest."

"Papa! Waffles!"

"Right, right," Ryoji cooed to the child, gave Misato a last fleeting kiss and stood with Rei in his arms. "Waffle time! Say, little Rei, how about we go see uncle Toji? Would you like that?"

"Monkey!" Rei squealed in delight. "Uncle Monkey!"

Despite the stress, anger and misery festering in her chest, Misato couldn't help but laugh at Rei's antics. "Ever since he gave her that monkey plushie, she keeps calling him that. Sort of like a certain redheaded ward of yours."

"Former ward, Asuka doesn't want to know a thing about or see me. I think the moment she does she'll want to... you know," Kaji pointed at his eyebrow, referring to the scar on Shinji's face he had provided. "And honestly, it's her God-given right. I was a terrible guardian."

Well, we both were, she mused. We got busy trying to stick this place back together, then got entangled with each other. And they just… tried to survive.

"Be careful." Misato rose to see them both to the door, waving as Kaji strapped their child into the seat. "And don't give Rei too many waffles or she won't want anything else for breakfast! Remember to send in Toji first!"

"Aye, aye, captain! Take a chance to enjoy your day off for once, honey! Don't worry about a thing!" Kaji yelled from the window as they rode off to the city, small smile every present. "Sometimes the best thing we can do is let go of the reins, love! Say bye bye to mama, baby!"

"Mama! Bye bye, mama!" Rei waved fervently, and soon the car disappeared down the street.

She stood there, watching the trees sway gently with the wind and cars come and go. Misato had done just about everything she could with Shinji, however, the hectic life after Third Impact had drawn her away from him in the most crucial years. As far as she remembered, the one time she had seen him without the cloak of stoicism was the time he had forced himself into a brief period of sobriety.

Her phone vibrated with a notification. Asuka had sent a message with a picture of a sleeping Shinji enclosed. The words glaring back from the screen both saddened and comforted her in some way. Never in her life would Misato have expected the girl to be so level-headed. Her tenacity she had expected, but not humbleness and true maturity.

'This was my fault, you're totally right. I shouldn't have left him alone in the house, regardless of how well he was doing. It won't happen again. Let's go back to seven years ago. Please. Back when you trusted me. Can you trust me just one more time?'

"Can I? Should I?" Misato stowed the device in her pocket and went back inside, choosing to lay on the couch and massage her growing midsection. One more time, the last time you mean. You get one more shot at this, and if you fail I'll mail you back to your father in pieces if I must. "Little one," she said to the unborn child. Were it to be a boy, he'd carry on the name of her Shin-chan. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Because it sure doesn't feel like it."

Wave after wave of concern, experience and dread kept stifling her until Misato consciously decided to not pester her unborn child with so many worries. Asuka, for your own sake, I hope you know what the hell you're doing.

---

The door shut behind her just in time; the energy felt expunged from her body altogether.

"What did you do? What did you just do? What… how could you even… God."

Another wave of sickness, another full blast of bile into the toilet of the apartment she had rented near the campus, just to stay away from Moritz and her father. Crawling from the bathroom over to the small living room, she curled into a ball under the table and trembled. Anything short of the heavy stew the Polish assassin had sent lasted a good hour or three before the burning features of her victim came alive and forced it out. It was done.

Mari was dead.

"He can never know, never..." Mumbles, incoherent and filled with anguish rang through the empty space. God, she felt so alone. Not even Fritz could know about this, so there was nobody who could help her with the horrid burden of another person's life. The person who had tried to save Shinji in some sense, burned to cinders. "He can never know it was me."

Totaling her bedroom a second time was out of the question; her father was on edge and ready to call an asylum if need be. No surprise there, she had attempted suicide after weeks of self-destructive behavior. The elder Langley was even desperate enough to call Shinji. She could not possibly allow either man to see her like this.

Should he enter through that door, the truth would spill out without consent. The thought was both chilling and appealing all at once; if he found out maybe the end would come for her as well. She would pay her sins in an instant, strangled by Shinji's hands. If she could touch his face before it all ended… it did not sound so bad.

"God damn stupid bitch, you made me do it. You made me do it, you forced my hand." She curled up even tighter, hands crisscrossing her head and nails digging into her scalp. "How could you do something so foul? Hire some thugs to beat and molest him? Pretend to get kidnapped just so he'd save you? What kind of a crazy… what… why did this have to happen?"

Killing soldiers right before Third Impact had simply not registered. Elated to be reunited with Mama, she fought like never before and not once considered that the vehicles she destroyed were piloted by humans. A fight for survival and glory that ended in gore and agony.

"The story of my life, huh," she grumbled through gritted teeth, hands curling into fists. So far, even an attempt at seeking justice had ended in horror. "Monster. That's what I am. Monster. Murderer."

Cheap wood cracked and broke apart when she hurled the small table at the wall. "Murderer. You killed Shinji's girlfriend. Monster. You watched her poison him and did nothing until it was too late. And now, when it doesn't mean a damn thing, you do this."

Her voice remained disturbingly level as she hurled whatever meager furniture there was at the floor or walls. No need to scream anymore, Shinji was in a hospital, hooked up to machines with many a broken bone, and she was standing there in an empty apartment, doing nothing.

"Shinji," Asuka murmured. There was an emptiness in her chest now, a morbid realization of how heavy the deed committed was. "I'm sorry."

The bed was flipped upside down, she punched the mattress and kicked over the bedside table, barely blinking as tears ran down her cheeks. "I want to go see you, but I think… I…" Her palms were dripping blood now. How could she ever hope to see him, or anybody for that matter, being like this? "God damn it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I am. I just… I just hate what she did to you so much, Shinji. Right now I'd just hurt you more, though. Make you worse. Make myself worse. I think…"

It was easy to find the card. She stared at it for a good half an hour before mustering up the courage to call. Every unanswered ring increased the desire to hurl the cellphone at the wall, yet before she could coordinate the move, a familiar voice responded.

"Doctor?" Asuka's lip quivered; nausea made everything spin. "I… I need help."

The apartment faded, the ceiling morphed into a starry night and she was laying on sand, not standing supported by a wall.

A gentle tune was ringing in her ears. She sat up and gazed at the beach, remembering waves from long ago, horrible waves, waves that stank of blood. A year and a half had come and gone. So many horrible days, so much sweat and blood and tears, yet while she sat there, holding his gift close, it all felt insufficient. "You are so beautiful…" she mumbled along with the song. "To me…"

The ocean and song disappeared, the memories dissipating marked the beginning of deep sleep, and of the dream.

It always began the same way.

Asuka's body moved without walking, almost floated through the streets on a sunny day. Someone was talking in her vicinity, but the words were always muffled. She turned to her right as was custom and saw a table with nine men dressed in tailored white suits waving at her. A second afterwards they were disfigured, blood splattered all over their fine clothes, their backs to her. Something moved and withered on the table, but she couldn't see it.

Shinji was walking beside her and talking in that tentative way of his. The words were incomprehensible no matter how hard she strained to hear them. A box showed up beside her feet and she almost tripped on it, followed by another, and another, and another. How could she trip when her body was floating?

He shifted and grew beside her, enveloped in some dark fog that kept her from seeing his face except for glimpses at a time. She tried to move her arms, her legs, felt like she was indeed moving but nothing changed. She was motionless, anchored, still fourteen. Shinji started to bleed.

From afar she heard the rope swing. The men in white suits turned to her again, all with pieces of red meat clinging to their mouths. On the table lay the doll her mother had kept, dismembered and torn apart as though it had been once human. They grinned, all of them, even the doll.

Terror, she always turned to Shinji to escape from the horrid sight.

When the fog next cleared she saw his face completely swollen, wounds and welts all over his abdomen, new cuts all over his eyebrows and cheekbones. He continued to talk in that gentle voice, growing more animated as time went by, the wounds healed and he turned into the young man she had encountered in the hospital.

They reached the street where the car rushed at top speed, headlights blaring into her retinas. It always ended the same way; Shinji, now a young adult, asked if she was alright. The car morphed into the Spear, as it had on that day, and she froze. Shinji pushed her out of the way and into safety, and somewhere a gunshot sounded.

The spear pierced him in the back, protruding from his chest. Her hands rose and pushed against him, Shinji hit the rail and he lost balance.

In her dream he was always smiling. He was glad she was safe. In her dream, she always came to the moment he started slipping away. Shinji kept smiling as he fell, never breaking eye contact.

"Wait!"

Her eyes snapped open in shock. Asuka sat up, shocked to feel the soft mattress and not the hard surface of the chair or the floor. Her clothes were dripping sweat, the covers and bedsheets had two distinct marks where she and presumably Shinji had been…

"That fever dream again, shit. Probably sleepwalked to the mattress. What the… where is…"

She sprung out of bed and dashed over to the living room, fully expecting to see broken furniture, trashed cutlery and possibly a comatose Shinji Ikari. Instead, she found him limping through the living room while the smell of coffee, eggs, meat and caramel erased the sight of the car from her mind. Unbothered by her sudden interruption in the kitchen, he worked on some creamy mixture in a blender while occasionally glancing at the stove. He was wearing a thick sweater that obscured his face.

"Can I just ask what in the fuck you think you're doing right now?"

He had the audacity to shrug and ignore her accusatory tone altogether. "Coffee, scrambled eggs and bacon. Also preparing some ice cream with caramelized apples for later, and heating up your chicken soup so it doesn't go bad," he retorted with just a hint of anger.

Asuka glanced at the clock and rolled her eyes. It was well past noon, which meant they had slept well over eight hours. She marched over to the kitchen and took a hold of his face, straining to see his pupils in detail and find the slightest dilation or redness. He offered no resistance. "You're burning up, but sober. Have you been drinking enough liquid?"

"Two full glasses every thirty minutes," Shinji answered, and pointed at the counter, where a half-empty cup of water rested. "Cooking helps me focus, helps me… fight it." He motioned towards the boiling water and scratched at his arm. "Can I go back to doing breakfast now?"

"I switched the stash's place. This time I made sure even your little iron fist won't get through." She watched him clench and unclench it with relative ease.

"Oh, color me surprised. It's not like I can't walk out the apartment and just buy more, right?" Shinji asked sarcastically and shook her hand off him.

"Be my guest, then." A few seconds of heavy silence, and she asked, "How's the hand?"

"Stings a little, but it's fine. They're small scratches," Shinji responded with a shrug. Soon the smell of coffee relaxed her strained shoulders. "Sorry if I alerted you. Just thought it'd be nice to have some food ready for when you woke up. I know I've been… difficult."

Asuka chortled mirthlessly and sat, legs and arms crossed. "Difficult? That's certainly one way to put it. How are the itches, and the shakes?"

"You tell me," Shinji rummaged through his pocket and threw the familiar silver package on the surface.

Cat's out of the bag, then, she mused, unimpressed. Saves me the trouble of showing them to him. I'm kind of glad he found them.

The dining table was becoming an arena for their quarrels, whereas days before it had been something close to a sacred location to share meals and stories. Neither was willing to speak of their more direct grievances with one another, there was a sense of loss between them, a loss of trust. A hunger for conflict, a sense of desperation and absolute lonesomeness; it felt akin to that time during Third Impact.

"Lorazepam, 6mg," said Shinji, and gave her a cup of coffee before hobbling over to his chair. "What the hell are you doing with those? I counted enough wrappers to account for two or three for each day you've been here. Ever thought about throwing the empty boxes in the trash?"

"Shouldn't be hard even for an idiot like you to put two and two together," Asuka replied, tone level and calm. She rubbed the back of her neck where the mark stung. "You've been watching my back, haven't you? Before I started drinking, before I ever thought of snorting cocaine, I was taking these. I've been shoving them down my throat ever since I turned sixteen."

"I thought you were clean except for those edibles," Shinji accused between gulps from his cup. He was restless, constantly looking behind his shoulder and scraping old wounds in his abdomen and arms. "Turns out you've been lying to me all this time, huh."

"Careful. I haven't lied to you Shinji, not once since I landed here." She picked up the wrapper and presented it to him. "One to two a day, first thing in the morning and in the afternoon," she explained. "Started taking them the day I came here, yeah. I've been reducing my dosages along with yours, and when we cut off the opiates altogether four days ago, so too did I quit taking these. Don't tell me you haven't noticed. Takes a junkie to know one, after all."

With renewed pain flaring from the stomach wound, Shinji rubbed at the edges where the knife had dug. "You've been off this poison for close to two years, if my information is accurate. What the hell do you think you're doing to yourself?"

She picked up the packet and started taking out the pills one by one. Once they all rested innocently in her palm, Asuka closed it into a fist and began crushing them into dust. "I'm not your therapist, Shinji. And since your wounds are closing at an incredible rate, I won't be your physician for much longer. What I am… is your friend. At least I'm trying to be, for once in both our lives."

"What does any of that have to do with you relapsing back into this crap?" Shinji's voice rose and thundered through the apartment, followed by a few dry coughs. "How the fuck is that being a friend, Asuka?"

Leaning forward on the table, Asuka offered a small, melancholic smile. "Did you really think I'd let you go through all that pain alone? I did that for seven years. Whenever you feel like it's not possible, or you feel like giving up, I'll be right there next to you. At times, I'll lead the way, and at others… maybe you will."

"This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." Rising from his seat with a grunt, Shinji maneuvered to the kitchen. "No therapist in their right mind would do this to try and get a patient to sobriety. It's dangerous. It's unnecessary!" Shinji's eyes were wide and unbelieving, they darkened under the shadow of anger with every word. "I thought you knew what you were doing, Asuka! What the… how… this is so stupid on so many levels. Even I know that!"

"We spoke about this the first time I was here. You're not my patient, not in this regard," Asuka deadpanned, and placed the cup on the table. "I didn't come here to have a clinical, detached approach and reach a cathartic breakthrough with years of therapy. I came here to save you, and that's what I'm going to do."

"And what the hell are you supposed to save me from while you're going through withdrawal right along with me, huh?" Shinji demanded, quickly losing his temper. "You're nursing a fever of your own, damn it!"

"That's right." She tapped at the table to alleviate some of the anxiety. The back of her neck itched with the phantom pressure of the noose. "It's our bodies trying to burn out what we've been poisoning them with. And I'm here to save you from the only enemy you have nowadays," she pointed at his chest. "Yourself."

"By doing drugs?" he exploded, crouching over in pain as he coughed. "You're crazy! This is crazy! We're talking in circles!"

"You're the one repeating yourself like a machine, not me," she rebuked, chin held high. "Big words from the guy who downed a fistful of pills not unlike this over some photos. What are you gonna do if I'm the one going out that door to get narcotics? Are you going to sit there and let me numb myself into an early grave like you?"

"What the hell is wrong with your head, huh?" Regardless of how itchy and feverish she felt, it was still impossible not to smirk at the sight of an utterly frustrated Shinji. It was still fun to catch him off guard, and it was always compelling to see him bite back. "What do you think I'll do? I'll strap you to a fucking bed if I have to!"

The burst of energy dissipated and Shinji descended into a another fit of coughs and hisses. Walking over to him, Asuka smirked even wider and tapped his shoulder twice before replacing Shinji at the stove altogether.

"That's exactly the answer I was looking for," she said with confidence, and raised an eyebrow at the strange concoction Shinji had been preparing. Also, sort of hot. Stop it, stop it! Serious situation here, Asuka! "You're actually making ice cream from scratch? Talk about being a functional addict, geez."

"This is absolute insanity, someone's gonna get hurt." Shinji whispered under his breath, shaking his head. "I didn't agree to this, I can't… I'm calling Misato."

"You were already hurt, twice. Once under my watch." Asuka shrugged and did some quick research on her phone for what was supposed to be done with the mixture of cream and vanilla. "I'm sure Misato won't let me within ten feet of you after she finds out about the pills. Seeing how you tried so hard to have me here for seven years, it'd be quite the shame."

What I hate the most though, is being like this with you. Being mean, being the old Asuka, manipulating you. Her hands shook regardless of how hard she focused on the task at hand. Please trust me. Please.

Shinji would have most likely made the call, had he not crushed his own cellphone days before. Realization dawned, obscuring his face with an ever deeper scowl. "You… you're playing me."

"Like a fiddle, I'd say."

"Like my father."

Ouch, she tried not to grimace at the truth in that statement. Damn, that really cut deep.

Asuka placed the blender on the counter and poured the mix into a bowl. "Yeah, I suppose it's like that. Like the time he forced you into Unit 01 after not talking to you for so many years. It's exactly like that."

"Then why the hell should I stand for it?"

"Because," she replied while storing the mixture in the fridge. "Your father manipulated you to use you as a weapon and get his sick wish to be with his wife. Did I get all of that right?"

"You've been in my head," Shinji grumbled, crossing his arms as he stretched the injured leg. "You know damn well you got everything right."

"Yeah, so. I'm not your father, Shinji." Her finger pointed at him once more. "You've trusted me all this time, can't you just trust me like you've been doing?"

"Not when what you're doing is absolutely irresponsible and reckless, no!"

She chuckled, rubbing at her neck once again. She felt his hands squeeze her windpipe and lift her off the floor in a second; his hands twisted on her windpipe with naught but a nudge at the memory. "This is a high risk, high reward type of situation. Still ready to call Misato? You told her off not two days ago. What if she decides to bring Kaji along?"

"What if she does?" Shinji countered. "What's with all the tricky questions and manipulation? That's textbook junkie behavior, I should know." Her lack of an angry retort only worked to upset him more. "You know what, if it means you'll be safe, I don't care if Kaji comes along!"

"Let him get through that door," she raised her right elbow, brandishing it like a weapon. "I'll give him a little souvenir that's years overdue. I'll do it even if they drag me out of here afterwards."

"Oh, you're gonna assault somebody in my house just for stepping in?" Shinji's head collided with the table once, twice, three times. "This entire conversation makes no sense."

"We're going through withdrawal, Shinji. The both of us, at the same time, like a team. Like friends. Like…" a heated flush blossomed in the already warm skin of her face. "Like our synch training, sort of. So, nothing's gonna make a lot of sense from now on."

"Oh joy, the synch training," Shinji groaned, and pushed the hoodie back on his face to obscure his own blush. "Do I have to wear that ridiculous spandex again?"

Asuka laughed out loud before taking a seat. "I don't know, do you want to? How about my old plugsuit, would that be a better fit?"

"Heh, you're terrible."

"Ah, shut up, you know you love it!"

She continued to joke and chuckle along with him for a few seconds; every time the mirth died down, they'd exchange a glance and burst out in a new fit of laughter that filtered all their way up to the neighbors.

The tension remained, the anger, trepidation and mistrust curling in on them both like a cold, moist blanket. For what remained of that afternoon, nevertheless, they interacted amiably enough and did not further poke at the airing wounds the withdrawal process was uncovering. A mad gamble it was, to purposely make herself more vulnerable and let Shinji see her without armor or defenses, yet something told Asuka it would all be worth it.

Even if it all proved fruitless, she now had precious memories to carry her through the horrid road ahead, to whatever end. It was enough.

---

"So, like I was saying, it's really good to see you after so much time and, uh…"

"Yeah, I bet. Let's grab a seat, Toji. And Ryoji's fine." Once both men grabbed a table at the café and placed their orders, they sat in uncomfortable silence until Suzuhara cleared his throat and turned to look at the street.

"Heard Miss Misato's pregnant, so… congrats on that," he said with a slight shrug.

"Yeah! We're both very happy and very excited, I'll be sure to send her your good wishes." Kaji tapped at the table. "We can certainly drop the formalities if they make you so uncomfortable, Toji. My job involves reading people, and you're an open book right now. So let's clear the air before anything else."

Toji slammed at the table with a closed fist. Even from his chair Kaji caught the sound of his jaw clicking. "You hit my friend in the face and opened a gash above his brow," Toji growled, leaning over the table with a frown. "Krista's told me about that day, and that scar. An inch lower and you could've damaged his eye."

"Shinji threw himself at me," Kaji explained with a serious, yet calm tone. "I assume you expected me to lay down and let him tear me apart?"

"Basically, yeah. You're the one who was stupid enough to bring up Asuka," Toji retorted with a roll of his eyes. "It's like you're new to this or something. Oh yeah, let the trained super spy have a fistfight with the guy going through withdrawal, there's a great idea! And didn't he break your shit, anyhow? Some agent you are, Mr. Kaji."

The accused agent only shook his head with half a smile, eyebrow raised at the way Toji spat out his last name. "I'm sorry for hitting your friend in the face. There. Would punching me make you feel better? If so, I'd ask you to wait until we pick little Rei from the daycare. She's really excited to see you."

Toji groaned and palmed his face in frustration. "Fuck, you sound just like her. Do you know how hard it is to stay mad at someone who does that shit?"

Kaji blinked and feigned innocence. One of the many things I appreciate about you, Toji, is your absolute inability to mask your emotions. "Whatever do you mean? What am I doing?"

"Being mature," Toji retorted and redirected his attention to the menu. "I hate it, makes me feel childish and stupid for holding a grudge even Shinji doesn't give a damn about. Makes me think I need to get my shit together."

"I just want to make things right. It was wrong of me to attack Shinji, knowing well he's never touched Misato." The memory of that day always came easy. One moment they had been sitting with Shinji, trying to convince him to move on and get clean, and the next he was being held down by a bleeding Third Child hellbent on crushing his neck. "He can become so aggressive all of the sudden, and Misato was pregnant… so…"

"Yeah, yeah. I get it, you had to protect them." Not being a stranger to the man's innate ability for self-defense and aggression, Toji could only nod his understanding. "Whatever. Air is cleared, not my place to be mad at you. I'm sure Soryu does plenty of that on her own, and I'm sure she's the reason we're sitting here. Jeez, could you have picked a worse place? Shinji's restaurant has way better shit."

"And for a better price, apparently." The list of appetizers and main courses was both short and uninspiring, so both men settled for a light drink once the waiter came to take their order. "Matter of fact, Shinji's partly the reason we're sitting here."

"Oh, yet another ass coming to tell me how much of a shitty friend I've been?" Toji barked. "Coming from one of the worst legal guardians and role models, that's just rich. You are a pretty good dad, though. I'll give you that."

The boy's aggressive attitude rubbed off with no effect; one did not marry Misato Katsuragi without developing thick skin. "Thank you, I try my best with Rei, gotta earn that second chance Shinji gave me. Now, to business." Kaji took a long drink of overly sweet iced tea and cleared his throat. "Your friend almost overdosed."

"No shit, Sherlock. I was there," Toji drank from his own glass and almost spat out the watermelon smoothie Kaji had ordered for him. "Ugh, too fucking sweet. Horrible."

"Do you not like watermelon?"

"I don't like sugary water that vaguely tastes of watermelon, no." After grimacing a second time at the taste, Toji crossed his arms and glared down at the table. "I assume you called because you want me to go check on Shinji and more specifically, check on Asuka. Am I right?"

Cars drove by on the busy street, with more than the usual one pedestrian recognizing Toji's face and whispering to themselves. He doesn't seem to mind too much. Can't blame him, I still remember the news and the articles the day Shinji broke his jaw.

"Yeah," Kaji replied with a sad smile. "It may sound like absolute bullshit, but I really tried to get in touch with her. She wasn't having any of it, even after I went there personally more than once. I get it." The memory of her graduation resurfaced.

He had traveled to the university, attended the ceremony without being invited, and managed to sneak in at just the right time to see her raise the diploma to the crowd with a satisfied smirk. Somehow, he had felt immeasurably proud of her in that moment. Upon laying eyes on his face, she had turned and left with her father and entourage in toll. How sad, how it was the elder Langley and Asuka's bodyguard who had spared him a pity-filled glance.

Ryoji's gaze drifted to the mountains behind Toji's head. If he strained hard enough, the apartment building Shinji lived in was visible. It'll probably rain in the afternoon. Good, God knows that place needs a good shower.

"Asuka doesn't trust me, nor will she after all this time," Kaji continued. "I think the only people she actually trusts are Shinji, his coach and that gym partner of his, her bodyguard, Kensuke, and…" Despite the heavy air between them, he could not help but chortle. "And you, for whatever reason. You should count yourself lucky to be in that small circle."

"Right, what an honor to have the fucking red de- god damn it, to have the great Soryu trust you. What a privilege," Toji felt like spitting on the ground. Instead, he took another drink of the disaster the café called a smoothie. "She was at least wise enough not to come to me for her creepy stalker shit." He spared a sidelong glance at the older man. "I guess she learned that behavior from you in way, huh."

"She had to learn it from somebody, and I suppose I didn't help, no matter how absent I was in her upbringing." Ryoji smiled at the soon to be doctor. "I think at this stage of her life she's really grateful to have people she can rely on, which speaks for itself as far as personal growth goes. I just happen to not be in that circle, and am reaching out to you to please make sure she's okay, and tell me what you saw."

"What I saw," Toji's jaw clicked with the last word. "I saw…" Asuka's fingers had been twitching, her skin hot and clammy whenever she brushed him off to treat Shinji's wounds. She had looked young, guarded and spiteful; a mirror image of her days as a pilot. "I saw a lot of devotion, a lot of concern, even if it was masked under anger. She was understandably… unbalanced, to say the least."

He's playing her game, Kaji assessed with ease. The girl's message had arisen the doubts Toji was unconsciously confirming. It's that bad, huh. Shinji's drowning in that Void to the point that he needs someone to go down and pull him out. And she's willing to do that, to go back to seven years ago. Damn, Asuka.

"Understandable, considering the circumstances." Glad to have cold water next to the iced tea, Kaji downed that glass instead. "Do you think she's unfit for the task? Certainly Shinji can have access to more decorated physicians and therapists."

"For what? He's already been treated by the cream of the crop or whatever. It makes no difference if he's not willing to… give in."

"Do you think he's giving in to Asuka?"

Toji stared at him as though he had just stated gravity was real. "What's with the questioning, officer? Shinji hasn't let anyone in his house in more than a year. Anyone. Last week I spoke to his coach, he's been visiting regularly now, along with that friend of his, Krista. They even had a housewarming party for him a bit over a week ago. He voluntarily got off the anti-psychotics and the opioids before this fiasco."

Nodding in agreement, Kaji discovered the young man's expression to be slightly guarded. He was hiding something, protecting his former ward in some way. "Do you trust her?"

"About as far as I can fucking throw her, but listen." Toji recalled sitting next to Shinji in the immediate hours after the incident, and witnessing as his persona crumbled. Laying there shivering, barely conscious, Toji had recognized his long-lost friend. "At this point, what other choice do we have? What haven't we already tried, all of us?"

"True, true." Kaji conceded with a shrug. "It's been a never-ending crusade of doctors, therapists, shamans, books and horrible, violent events. That's why I asked you to meet me here."

Ryoji produced a pair of syringes and pushed them in Toji's direction, looking uncomfortable for once. "What the-"

"It's just a precaution," clarified the former agent. "A similar sedative to the one Asuka's father used on her two years ago. Very potent, works instantly and there are no side effects. I know you were planning on going there tomorrow, Toji." Thinking of the way Asuka had looked up to him, depended on him and been so grossly disappointed burned within his soul. "I'm asking you to please take care of her."

"No side effects, huh." Toji picked up the syringe and inspected itwith a cold, unbelieving glance. "Didn't Soryu try to off herself after her father nerfed her with this?"

"I said it was similar, not the same," Kaji elaborated, frowning at the mention of the girl's attempt. "And we both know what she did had nothing to do with the sedative. Now, can I trust you to do the right thing?"

The sound of Toji's teeth grinding through the reconstructed jaw was loud enough to make the waiter turn and give a concerned glance at Kaji. "You want me to give this to Asuka, am I right?" he demanded with an incredulous tone. "You fucking coward."

"Me visiting them will only make things worse right now." While not nearly as extensive as Shinji's vigil on Asuka's life, Kaji had done his fare share of investigating. "Asuka's not as strong, nor as stable as she looks. I'm sure you being there that day made it clear. I'm worried about her."

"Not my problem. Your worry, that is." Toji did not much wait for a response, and in manner not unlike how Shinji dealt with checks, threw a random number of yen on the table and pointed to the exit. "Let's take a walk, Agent Kaji."

They left the establishment without another word and walked in silence for a few minutes until they reached the parking lot. Kaji counted the seconds and braced himself at the proper time; Toji threw a punch at his thorax and connected hard enough to almost make him trip and fall. His breathing caught and he coughed, massaging his sore muscles.

"Don't hit my friend again or you won't see the next one coming." Ryoji was not at all surprised by the attack, but he was taken aback when Toji produced the keys to his car and opened the passenger door. "Let's go see your daughter, then. I got her a present."

No need to worry so much, it seems, Kaji thought as he started the engine. "Recent experience aside, you're learning to use your words a bit better, Toji. I'm sure Hikari will be happy when she next speaks with you." He felt the angry rebuttal coming and carried on before the youth interrupted him. "You're being irrationally understanding with Asuka, considering Shinji's supposed to be under her watch. How come?"

"You know Hikari calls me once a month at the very least? I never have the guts to answer, this shame just creeps up on me." A glance revealed Toji to be playing with the medal of a necklace he was just noticing. "God tightens the noose," he muttered from memory. How very sad, that seven years after she had disappeared, he now related to Asuka more than he did to Shinji.

"But He does not choke," Kaji continued with a nod. "Tell her I send my love, please. And that I've never stopped caring about her."

Toji's jaw clicked. He never agreed to deliver the message, but his eyes did soften as he gazed at the road. Even the thrice-damned redhead sent him messages constantly nowadays, both demanding he present himself more often in Shinji's home, and that he contact Hikari before it was too late. He had been basically strong-armed into visiting both households the following day, after all.

"It's sad to think I look at the times the Angels were coming as simpler," he remarked with a mirthless snicker. "Get in the shelter, run for your life, get in the robot. Simpler."

"Maybe simpler, but not better," Kaji replied, regretting having abandoned cigarettes years ago. The idea of visiting Asuka was making him nervous. "However generic this may sound, it's the same your pendant says."

The daycare came into view. His growing family was a clear testament that God did not in fact choke. I'll need to go see the watermelons today, feels like it'll rain. He placed a hand on Toji's shoulder and squeezed.

"There's always a chance."

---

"Move, move, move, move, move! You've got to move! Move now, or everyone will be killed! I'm sick of it already, so move!"

Relentless, the thuds continued to shake the entry plug and vibrate into his very body.

The heartbeat thundered from the deep, and the memory faded away just as the world melted along with his body. He was then under the moon, staring at the waves and at the petrified visage of the Eva Series right after Third Impact, or so it looked. To his right lay an almost endless array of logs protruding from the sand.

He walked alongside them with unnaturally heavy feet, feeling observed at every step. With a glance, he confirmed the supposedly dead monsters followed his footsteps with their heads, smirking in glee through bloodied teeth. A hand lay upon one of the logs and he heard a voice ring directly in his ears.

"Oh my God! Shinji! Asuka is… Asuka is…"

Recoiling the hand in horror, he felt something sting him in the leg, stomach and back. He pressed a hand against his midsection and it came back dripping crimson, yet his feet continued to move. A tap on yet another log, and another voice screamed.

"I'm sorry, but I changed the MAGI's programming without telling you. A loving daughter's final request. Mother, let's end it together."

Something clicked to his left; he turned but only saw the Evas' grins widen in anticipation.

"It's not working, why? Caspar betrayed me!? Mother, how could you choose your lover over me?"

A gun was cocked nearby. "Ritsuko Akagi, I…" His father's voice faded into the distance.

"Liar."

The bullet entered his chest; he blinked and saw Rei floating over the water. He walked on a darkening path. Behind him the sun shone and somehow the red of the sea ended at some point in the distance, yet it was impossible to walk in any other direction. More voices flooded his mind, some were louder than others, some were complete strangers.

No images that night, no foreign memories or twisted flashbacks that ended in bloodshed or in agony coursing through his body. He walked on, observed constantly by the petrified giants, moving onwards.

A gaping hole stood out in the distance. At times Rei would reappear in his line of vision and fade. The more he walked, the more damaged and worn the logs became, their exterior was covered in slashes, some had pieces missing, some were rotten or in the process of withering away.

He pressed a hand on a particularly blood-soaked one and the voice came from behind him, this time. "Ah, fun times with the Third Child! Don't worry, boy. We're gonna be good to you, teach you a proper lesson so you don't forget who you belong to."

Feelings of desperation and dread clamped on his neck like a vice and he felt his body get pushed into the concrete. By his foot, the broken piece of bottle glistened from under the sand. His hand recoiled, his body moved deeper into the pit where the city lay, obscured in stormy clouds and thunder. There was a train waiting for him in the city, he had to get there.

Urgency simmered in his chest and stifled his throat. He had to get to the train, it was his one chance to board it, but before he did every one of those damn logs had to be seen. The white behemoths behind started salivating visibly with each step he took towards the broken city. The sand was replaced by concrete, the sight of the ocean by buildings, all shrouded in darkness. He walked on, and while the logs became more infrequent, they still stuck out of the streets.

Somehow the words and phrases turned into incomprehensible gibberish as the appearance of the wooden structures worsened. He touched several smaller ones and only heard childish laughter that terrified him.

Late. It was getting late, the train would leave at any moment. He finally had his ticket in hand!

He ran without getting winded, his sight turned into tunnel vision once the stairs to the station appeared. The windows were darkened, but he saw the shadow of someone in there, a man and woman talking amiably. In a mad dash he tried to reach the wagon, but six monstrous stakes sprouted from the cement, bathing his feet in blood and blocking the entrance.

Touching the previous logs had made them disappear, or at the very least allowed him to move forward, so his hand sprung to the closest.

"I will if I am ordered to."

No. No. Anything but that, anything but her!

"That is good for you."

"The entry plug, the throne for the soul."

"Who am I? What am I? What am I? What am I?"

"Sky… red, red sky. The color red. I hate the color red."

The log felt as though it was burning, but it did not fade once his hand jumped away. The train was about to leave! He punched the next log and was pushed back by the imposing form of Gendo Ikari.

"Then I have no use for you."

"Burying memories is a man's way of surviving. But there are some things a man should never forget."

Undeterred, he punched the next one. "This is a grown-up kiss, we'll do the rest when you get back." He tasted blood, and was hurled into the station's wall. The wall was supposed to feel hard and unyielding, but was soft as silk against his back.

"You hate yourself, don't you?"

The time was up, he needed them to go away! The train was about to leave! He had the ticket in hand, for once he had the damn ticket! Shinji kicked the largest one, but a terrible stab of pain curled over his leg. A dark hallway flashed in his mind, the sensation of a blade embedded in his flesh, and at last, he heard her voice.

"What are you, stupid?"

"Pathetic."

He reached through the stakes, crawling on between the gaps, trying to get to the door, but the train started moving just as his fingers grazed the surface of the door. He saw Asuka laying under him, a dead look in her eye. "I feel sick."

The void manifested to his left, swallowing up the train station, the city and the logs. All that remained was him, standing on the beach again, alone with the Eva Series.

"So," one of the monsters spoke with Mari's voice. "How are you feeling, Puppy?"

Glancing at the ticket in his hand, he started running in the void's direction. The Evas laughed and laughed, crucified as they were. He saw the train again, just for a second, reached out -

Shinji's eyes snapped open with a gasp.

His hand was gripping the sheets, and upon gaining consciousness he was bombarded by the various aches the painkillers had kindly kept at bay days before. The details of the dream began to dissipate as he lay in bed, stared at the ceiling and tried to get his pulse under control.

"I feel everything," Shinji said to the last remnant of his dream. His insides, his lower abdomen especially and his bones felt like they were on fire. Every second felt like it lasted an eternity while awake, and when asleep he suffered intensely more detailed and vivid dreams. "Everything."

Old wounds on different parts of his body flared every so often, the closing wounds which had long since stopped causing blinding pain were now as sensitive as the first day after he'd gotten them. He only slept out of absolute fatigue and even then, it lasted but a few hours. His throat was parched but he could not stomach the idea of drinking or eating anything.

"You're getting dehydrated," Asuka's voice came from the right; he swatted away at his ear. The word on his arm scorched unlike ever before. "I've got an IV ready. Here, give me your arm, you idiot."

In his disarrayed state Shinji's mind morphed Asuka's image into that of Yui. The IV became the syringe holding the dark liquid that had dragged him to complete numbness. He slapped a hand on top of the spot where the needle was about to pierce his skin.

"No. get that needle away from me, please. I can't…"

"Fine, forget about the IV, then." The needle was set aside, and instead a glass of water was shoved on his face. "Can you sit up?"

"Yeah," Shinji maneuvered onto his uninjured side, took the glass and forced himself to down it in small sips, barely resisting the urge to vomit. "Ugh, thanks."

"Sure thing, idiot." It took him by surprise to see her roll up the sleeve of one of his sweaters and stab her own arm with the needle. "What?" she shrugged at his bewildered expression. "I'm nauseated, as well. My legs won't stop moving, and drinking or eating anything makes me wanna puke. Sound familiar?"

"I guess you can say that," Shinji muttered in between sips. His stomach grumbled despite the nausea; it had been quite some time since the last time he had eaten anything solid. "What day is it?"

"Day four," replied Asuka, readjusting her weight on the chair. Her eyes looked sharp and guarded, very much like the way she had looked at him in their younger years. "I was asleep until an hour ago. Started feeling queasy, got up to puke and decided to check on the great Invincible Shinji."

"You've been sleepwalking into my bed every night lately, you know." The spot filled with towels and covers to his right had been his own little way of inviting her in.

"Is that so? You can always lock the door." Asuka relaxed in the seat, pleased to see Shinji empty the glass with a grimace and set it on the bedside table. "Although, you don't really seem to mind. My sleepwalking, that is." Or my sleeping around, black out drunk, with that loser. "Hungry? There's still some leftover stew from yesterday."

"Ugh, no food." Shinji vaguely recalled preparing said stew, and having almost burned the meat before letting it soften and finish cooking in the broth. "Why would it bother me? It's just like those times back then and-" He clamped his mouth shut and hoped the way his face heated up was attributed to the fever. "I… it's fine."

She was waiting to be pushed away; Shinji realized it when she offered no response and instead stared at the IV drip in her arm. Synch rate zero, he thought with a sigh. Asuka probably thinks I see her as spoiled goods or something. Like I give a damn, jeez. Well, maybe… maybe I do give a little bit of a damn.

Without the drugs and drained of all his strength, Shinji felt like he was a teenager paralyzed on his futon again. His muscles either felt like jelly, or cramped in manners that left him close to immobile. There was nothing but the slow passage of time in a house that grew increasingly uncomfortable with Asuka around. The sharp insults and clipped retorts along with mumbled apologies were becoming their only means of communication.

"I'm having trouble falling asleep," Asuka revealed after a while, bringing Shinji back to reality. "Once I do, I just wander back here. It's hard, uhm…" She rubbed at the back of her neck. "My mind starts going in all directions, focusing on any stupid thing it can so I don't remember well, lots of things. When I doze off, my body moves by itself and then I'm here."

"For what it's worth, doesn't look like you're having trouble sleeping." It was a blatant lie of course; Shinji could see the dark lines under her eyes, the way her hair was disheveled, and the pale hue of her skin. "You shouldn't have done this. It's stupid."

"Yeah, whatever. You're the expert on stupidity, so I'll take your word for it." Asuka retorted with a half-smirk. Another silence stretched, this time strangely comforting and relaxing. Shinji drank another glass of water, managed to hobble over to the bathroom and back, changed his sweater, and collapsed back into bed. He was almost asleep when she poked at his arm. "Scoot over, already," Asuka almost demanded. "I'm done with this IV drip, and I'm cold."

"Jawohl, mein Fuhrer," he muttered back with a strained chuckle, and did as instructed. As far as he remembered, it was the first time she climbed into bed with them both being conscious after his stunt. Asuka took little time to settle into the covers and give him a sharp, almost expectant glare. "Right."

His arm lifted and she settled in between him and a pillow she pressed against his head and chest with a remark of, "Sweaty idiot." One hand sought out and tapped on a mark near his collarbone, while her other hand rummaged through the pocket in his sweater and produced a very familiar envelope. "I guess this is as good a time as any."

Asuka presented the letter with a smirk. The envelope's been opened, Shinji realized. She already read it. This is bad. But wait, if she… why did she bring it here, then? "I said I didn't want to read it," he muttered tersely, with more trepidation than actual anger making his voice tremble. "And if you've read it, what's the point in r-"

The small box he had sent along with the letter was delicately placed on his chest. The wrapping had not been interfered with in the slightest. "I don't get your reluctance about this letter. It's not the most terrible one I've gotten."

"Oh, joy. Not the worst, there's that patented Soryu compliment." Shinji commented and addressed his discomfort to the ceiling. "Listen, I may have been a little drunk and… other things, so that let-"

"Asuka," she started, cutting him off once more. "No 'dear' first, Baka? Damn, not cool. Minus five points for informality. Anyway." She cleared her throat.

"I've heard you're getting therapy lately, so I won't ask how you are. I suppose that if you of all people went to a therapist, it must have been bad. Well, I hope you get better. It's not like I haven't tried to get in touch with you for these many years, so I suppose I won't be hearing from you this time around either." Asuka looked down and shifted her weight on the mattress. "Well, you were right about that," she mentioned and carried on. "I almost died, in case you didn't hear. You probably didn't, and if you did you probably don't care. That's fine, I can't blame you. Considering this is going to end up in a dumpster somewhere, I guess it's just best to say everything."

Oh god damn it, he thought in despair. Even his hand shot up from her shoulder and slapped at his face. Yeah, I remember. This is that letter.

Asuka pretended not to notice his instant change in demeanor. The shakes increased for them both, the small box dancing up and down along with Shinji's chest. "I'll start at the beginning. When we first met, I thought you were unbearably annoying. Beautiful, sure, more so than anybody I had met before, but just so… you. At first, when I couldn't see anything but how you behaved, I thought we'd never get along. I didn't think time would prove me right."

There were scratched words, the paper was wrinkled and small brown droplets and finger stains were all over the paper; a complete antithesis to all the previous letters. "After that synch training, though, things changed a little." Shinji groaned while Asuka chortled and poked at the line under his chin. "I realized you weren't so different from me. I tried to be your friend, I really did. I started to care about you, started to like having you around. It made my life… interesting. Finally there was somebody I could talk to, even if that somebody always made me think she hated me."

"Oh God," he grumbled, suppressing a larger grimace. "Not this one."

"Yes, this one. I don't know why you hate it so much. So..." Asuka continued reading. "'I know I've said this before, many times over many letters, and goddamn it why am I writing this, anyway? You won't read it, ever. So I'm sorry for being socially inept.' Pfft, come on. We both were, idiot."

"Kill me," Shinji said, and hid his face deeper into his arm. "Kill me now."

Asuka snickered but otherwise ignored his pleas. "'For what it's worth, I tried my best. But then you started hating me more just because my Eva could move on its own. I never wanted it, I just thought my father would care for me for once if I did what he asked. I never meant to hurt your pride. This is the sixth time I've written this line. In a letter. To you.'" Another chuckle. "Excellent punctuation here, Shinji. So, moving on. 'Asuka, I know things ended up worse than ideally between us, but I just want to say, after Third Impact and everything, that I did, after everything that's happened.'" It was a horrible moment, with both of them sweating out the narcotics, and yet she could not help but laugh out loud at the next line. "'But I fucking hate you, Asuka.'"

"Death. Please. Now," Shinji groaned, tried to get out of bed to no avail and, to his own surprise, laughing as well.

"'I understand that what I did was horrible but I mean, almost six years and not a word? Not even a 'Go to Hell' so I can move on? That's cold, and horrible, and I hate you for doing that to me. How dare you? After everything we went through, a shove and then silence? Really? Really! Almost six years now, you bitch! What the hell, huh?'"

Asuka burst out laughing and occasionally slammed a fist against the pillow while Shinji wondered why in the hell she was making light of his heartfelt resentment. What was worse, he was chortling alongside her as both their restless leg syndromes made their knees brush each other every so often.

"'I'm sorry,'" Asuka said, trying to sound like him. "'I didn't mean that. Well, maybe I did. I'm drunk and I'm writing this to you. Are you alright? I'm sorry. I said that already. Hope you're okay, I really do. I said it in my last letter, but congratulations on the degree, and the other degree, and your scholarship. Happy Birthday, too.'" Her eyes softened at the way the words became a bit clearer at the end of the letter. "'I came up with this recipe for a nice chicken curry the other day, with a bit of a Thai sauce. Enclosed it, just in case this reaches you and you're hungry. It's easy to make.'"

And those are just the first two pages. Despairing, Shinji recoiled to 'his' side of the bed and pressed the small package into the pillow she was hugging. Why did I go through all that trouble? Fucking idiot. "Can you just not?"

"Nope, you said I should read it, so I'm reading it. By the way, this…." Asuka took out the smaller envelope where the recipe was stored. "…is going to be lunch the moment we manage to ingest some solids. Now onwards! Ahem. 'If you don't want to cook it yourself, you can have someone else do it. I…'" Asuka trailed off, her face heating up. She sought out Shinji's face but found only his back to her.

"'I really like you,'" she said with a blush creeping up her cheeks and nose. "'As in more than a friend. I guess all these presents, letters and calls make it clear that I'm a creepy stalker, but to hell with it. I like you. Only you. There, I said it, wrote it, whatever. I tried to be with other people, tried to move on and I couldn't get you out of my mind. I worry about you almost every day, I miss talking to you, I miss you calling me an idiot. I miss everything we used to have, the good and the bad. I never apologized properly for what I did, but you know what?'"

"Neither did you," Shinji muttered under his breath.

"'Neither did you.'" echoed the former Second Child with a sad smile. "'Fuck apologies, fuck everything. I'll probably die soon, so it doesn't matter, anymore. I'm always in hospitals, lately. I'm sick, and this sickness is slowly killing me.'" Her hand sought out Shinji's arm and squeezed.

"'I can feel myself dying, and there's this endless anger in my chest that makes me get into fights all the time. I've learned to control it to a degree, this rage, but something tells me it'll be the death of me soon. I don't want to die, not really. I'm scared I'll see them in there, all the people I've killed or hurt, just waiting for me on the other side. I see them in my nightmares, too, all the damn time.'"

Shinji quietly shuffled atop the mattress. He recoiled deeper into himself, with anxiety digging into his bones and his insides burning. Asuka's grip on his arm tightened.

"'I'm terrified I'll see Rei in there and she'll be disappointed with the life I squandered. I feel like dying, but it terrifies me, you know? I think you'd understand. Anyway, long, stupid letter. I'm not sorry, for once. This can be goodbye for good, so please take care of yourself, Asuka. Please be happy, whatever that means for you. Nothing has ever given me more peace than seeing you happy.'" She tugged Shinji's arm away from his face and showed him a part of the letter that was completely scratched away. "What's that supposed to say there, in that line?"

There was no need to look at the paper, he knew exactly what the line was. He had used just about every available method to erase the line from the paper while not damaging it. "I… don't remember," he lied, scratching at his arm. "I was pretty drunk."

I lo-ugh. She probably knows what it says. Whatever, I do. Always have, always will. "Some stupid crap, most likely," he said instead. "Better off left forgotten."

Asuka pouted, unseen by him, and poked at the gash above his eyebrow. "Fine, be that way. Anyway, 'Love, Shinji'. Aww, you ended it on a high note. Still don't understand why it embarrasses you so damn much."

Because I said I liked you and l fucking hated you in the same damn letter, Asuka. "I was drunk and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have," Shinji retorted instead. The entire ordeal had made him forget he was yet to ingest any solid nourishment aside from the piece of bread he'd swallowed down with the coffee that morning; surprisingly, it had eased the itches and the agony of his body to a degree.

"In the States there's this game called 'Secret Santa'. You're supposed to exchange gifts with someone else, and it's supposed to be a surprise. Merry Christmas from 2020."

The package Shinji had been gingerly inspecting was snatched away and replaced by a similar, if not slightly bigger box wrapped in a dark blue wrapping. "What… Secret Santa?" He picked up the box with a shaking hand. "Did you get this for me?"

"Yeah, two years ago," Asuka confirmed with a somewhat animated voice, holding up the box she had stolen from him. "You weren't the only one shopping around, you know. It's a present. You're supposed to open it, idiot."

Two years ago? But I thought… and she had the box. This is unwarranted. "Why are you doing this?" he asked off-handedly, surprising Asuka. "I haven't done anything to deserve this present. Not lately, at the very least."

"Seven years long you sent me these. Seven years. Don't you talk to me about what you have or haven't earned." With a single flick on his forehead, Asuka managed to erase some of the gloom imprinted on his frown. "It's been four days and you are yet to deny, rage, beg, or bargain except that night at the very beginning." Instead of reaching for the wrapping, Asuka saw him reach for the scar in his arm and halted his hand mid-scratch. "Frohe Weihnachten."

Feeling unnaturally shy in her presence considering the many nights they had already shared bedding space, Shinji forced his fingers to stop shaking to not damage the wrapping. "R-Right, so, merry Christmas, Asuka."

"Oh, and Shinji?"

"Yeah?" His hands stilled even more. When no response came, he turned his head to find Asuka giving him a very familiar, confident smirk. "Uh, what?"

Her face turned deadly serious for a second. "I fucking hate you, too."

Unable to maintain the stony façade for more than half the sentence, Asuka burst out laughing the moment the last word was spoken, with Shinji following along an instant later. The tension that had permeated the house almost permanently as of late dissipated for a tiny moment, allowing them both a bit of respite.

Everything was amplified. Every moment, every word, every sensation, every second of every day was detailed and terrifying; it was constant agony. Alas, each positive sensation was equally as powerful, and indescribably beautiful.

They each focused on opening their presents with the utmost care, still sharing the occasional glance and giggle. Inside the blue wrapping Shinji found a black box containing a very modern watch that looked extremely resistant. The strap was black with a lilac line running through the middle, a bright green buckle and green hands. On the back, running above the legend Garmin Marq, his initials had been beautifully carved in the finest cursive imaginable. Shinji traced the letters, locked in a sudden trance, and failed to register how Asuka was fumbling with her own present and not opening it.

"You need to charge it," she mentioned, and mirrored Shinji by lying on her back. "I can set it up for you after that. It's… uhm… titanium. And it's very sturdy, the best of the best… or at least it was when I got it. So, you can use it while you go running or when you train, and it also has these great features to monitor your health and improvement."

"I… don't know what to say," Shinji murmured. "Thank you." Asuka glanced in his direction and did her best to swallow down the shakes and discomfort. He looked like the Shinji who had asked her on a date then, young and maybe not so brutally haunted. That small, uncomfortable smile she adored was drawn on his face. "It's beautiful." Shinji painfully sat up and strapped the gift to his wrist, admiring the way the metal glistened under the dim light. "Simply beautiful."

"It's supposed to be your Christmas gift, and this one's for your birthday." Asuka rummaged through 'her' bedside table and retrieved yet another letter and a smaller gift. "Ganz herzliche Glückwünsche zum Geburtstag, Baka."

Shinji placed the box on the mattress, clearly shocked, and was about to tear into the letter when she stopped him with a flick to the forehead. "Ow! Hey!"

"Nope, that one you have to read by yourself, like you made me read this one. Once you do, we can go through it like today." She played with her present, tugging at the ribbon absently. "Gift giving is supposed to be something more formal for you Japanese, so next time we'll try to do it by the book."

"So…" Shinji stowed away the wrapped box and envelope, glancing at his new watch every other second, and noticed Asuka play with the ribbon as her leg quickly moved up and down. "Do you not like the wrapping, or the ribbon?"

"Huh? No, they're fine." Asuka's heartbeat began to echo back in her ears. This is a jewelry box, she realized, happy to have long hair to partially obscure her expression. "Was this supposed to be…"

"Yeah," Shinji confirmed with a nod. His instinct screamed 'run', but he swallowed down the lump of fear and placed his hand on Asuka's knee, ceasing the erratic movement. "It was supposed to be a farewell present."

Farewell, like that letter I ripped to shreds after Fritz called me. A few days before he sent this, I said that shit in the news and he landed in the hospital for an almost deadly overdose, Asuka thought with discomfort. The small box felt as though it was burning her fingertips. This was a terrible idea. Now I have to open this.

A farewell present. Something to remember him by, should Shinji perish; the very thought made her recall the frantic emotions from two years before. It brought about her own fear of death, the memory of Third Impact, the battles, the training; the box was a memento of it all, for most of those memories encompassed him.

"It doesn't bite, in case you're wondering," Shinji whispered. She noticed the way his voice wavered, turning as uncertain as she felt. His hand gave her knee an encouraging squeeze. "It's not farewell anymore. It's just a present… from a friend."

From my only friend you mean, Asuka mused, nodding, and began unwrapping the ribbon. The only real one. "You better not have gone and done some stupidly unnecessary, detailed… oh…"

The present had been wrapped in a delicate cloth underneath the paper, one that depicted Unit 02 in traditional art, evidently tailor made, and under that was a sturdy black box with crimson trim depicting various flowers. Everything about the gift's presentation was exquisitely thought of, every aspect screamed 'Asuka' while at the same time being irremediably reminiscing of him. Only someone as idiotic as Shinji could go and choose a golden bracelet, simple yet elegant, with a small anchor hanging from it. A ruby gleamed in the anchor's center, which itself was minutely carved with kanji too small for her to discern.

"What does it say?" Asuka inquired whilst her nail delicately traced the lines as though they were one of Shinji's scars.

"Your name; Asuka Langley Soryu." said Shinji, sounding very much like his old self. "Anchors are supposed to represent hope and…" And rubies represent strong emotions, like love, his mind finished. "I thought something super flashy wouldn't be practical. It's easy to put on or take off, it's also supposed to be very sturdy."

Whereas Shinji had taken no time to remove the watch from its packaging, Asuka seemed extremely reluctant to so much as touch the bracelet. "It's… not bad," she managed after what felt like an eternity. "Pretty cheesy, if you ask me. An anchor, really? I mean how much freaking lamer can you possibly get?"

The emotions sizzling beneath her aloof exterior threatened to overwhelm Asuka's mind. Rising in a flash, she half-dashed towards the kitchen without giving her patient a chance to retort. "You want some ice cream?" she shouted from the kitchen, voice uneven. "There's still some pie left, too!"

For once ever since waking up, the nausea receded enough for Shinji's stomach to voice out its hunger. "Uh, yeah. I can go for some ice cream and pie. Remember the whipped cream is in the fridge! Top-"

"-Right shelf, next to the butter, I know. I'm gonna heat up the pie in the oven." Glad to no longer be in his field of vision, Asuka placed her back against the wall and slowly took out the bracelet. The golden chain was thin and smooth to the touch; the anchor stood out, being so small and so finely crafted with her name decorating the entire surface. The ruby was exquisite, and the symbolism of the entire piece was impossible to miss.

"You idiot," she whispered after placing it on her wrist. The moment the gold touched her skin, she knew it had instantly became her favorite piece of jewelry. She did not own much, nor had she cared to acquire more than the necessary pieces suited for formal events. This addition, however, she would wear only in special, limited occasions, ones in which he could admire it on her. Her thumb and forefinger trapped the anchor, eyes gazing at it with infinite fondness. "You freaking idiot."

The oven beeped, eliciting a jump from her. Her skin was beginning to itch again, her very bones were on fire beneath the flesh. Trembling fingers unlatched the trinket and placed it back in the safety of its box. God, she mused while serving large portions of both ice cream and pie onto their plates. Even the little cloth is cute, with my Unit 02 painted like a Samurai. Heh, something only this jerk would ever come up with. He went through the trouble of personalizing the damn box with my favorite flowers and everything. Stupid.

They ate in silence, each half-sitting on the bed and forgetting about the sweats under the sweet flavor of dessert. Shinji set the watch to charge, and despite him attempting to act nonchalant, Asuka noticed how he glanced at the present and his bedside table every few minutes. He was quiet, almost shy when speaking with her as the night dragged on and exhaustion began to overtake them both.

At around midnight, both had slumped onto the mattress and onto each other, this time with Shinji's head dropping on Asuka's shoulder as he succumbed to feverish fatigue. He began to twitch in his sleep, restless despite being unconscious. All she could do was run her fingers through his hair and whisper the song she had been listening to a year before, far away in a beach in Thailand.

"Can't you see…" she murmured into the top of his head. In his sleep, Shinji's hand sought for something to grasp, so she trapped it with her free one. "You're everything I hoped for… and you're… everything I need…" His grip turned almost painful, but she squeezed back with equal strength. Her head lolled onto his, her eyes closed and her own tremors diminished. "You are so beautiful…"

"To me…"

---

He had been staring at the door for a good five minutes.

Two different couples had already walked by him with raised eyebrows, with one particularly eyeing him with a level of suspicion. It was well known how appreciated this tenant was in the apartment building; he had heard of the random treats, the charming personality and respectful words. At the peak of his worst episodes all doors and windows were locked, partly so as not to disturb those around him.

Trepidation grew and spread all over, driving the blood to his legs and screaming that running far was the logical course. One wrong word, a miscalculated phrase or a slip on his part could mean violence, and strangely enough he feared not only for himself, but also for the one he had once called a friend.

"Young man, can I help you?"

The security guard's voice crashed his train of thought straight into the door he had been staring at. "Are you here to see Mr. Ikari? I received a confirmation of an acquaintance visiting later today."

Acquaintance, huh, Toji thought with a defeated sigh. Let's see if we can do something about that. "Yeah, that's me." Nodding to the larger man, he knocked on the door. "That's me, the acquaintance."

Once the metal gate opened, he truly regretted his choice of present and attire for the day. The small, store-bought carrot cake was too meager to bring life into the decaying apparition that manifested before him. "Well, look at the big monkey doing as he's told," Asuka commented, cross-armed and shivering. "You're late."

Toji's eyes were wide and unbelieving. "Are you… okay?" he blurted out. Asuka's skin was pale, she was wearing what he knew to be one of Shinji's sweaters, occasionally shivered, and had a large cup of what smelled like tea in between her shaking hands. "You look like shit."

"Incredible insight coming from you, monkey," she responded, glaring death into him as he stepped into the living room. Despite Asuka's disheveled look, wild hair and sweaty face, the house was as pristine as the only other time he had visited. "Your powers of observation are astounding. Have a seat."

"Since you asked so nicely," Toji retorted, and ignored Asuka's brash voice. Guess if you ain't Shinji you ain't getting any of that sweet loving, huh. Not that you're not seven years too late or anything. The way she frequently rubbed the back of her neck and the restless look in her eyes confirmed both Toji's and Kaji's suspicion. "Seriously though, what the hell? Are you sick or something?"

"I suppose so, yeah. Not that it's any of your business," Asuka bit back, standing by the kitchen as she finished her tea. "Haven't you learned to not say such things to a lady? What an ill-mannered nurse, you'll get nowhere in our field with that attitude."

Toji's laughter rang through the room. "Yeah, right," he managed between chortles. "Like you didn't carve out a career with your freaking personality."

Some strange camaraderie had grown between them on the day Shinji had almost overdosed. Toji had agreed to say nothing and kept his word, whereas the redhead had apparently taken care of all the arrangements they had discussed.

"Yeah, but you don't have my genius," she pointed out. "Hell, not even a fraction of it and you've managed so far. Gotta say, it makes me proud." Toji grumbled under his breath, observing how despite what he thought to be indescribable discomfort, Asuka acted cool and collected. "You've made it so far with half a brain. Truly remarkable."

"I feel the love." Toji mirrored Shinji's trainer by slamming his fist twice against his chest. "I feel it here, Soryu. So powerful, just like your desire to rip your damn skin off. Diazepam, right?" He almost laughed again when she nodded. "Yeah, figured. Can I ask what the fuck you're doing right now?"

"She said it was none of your business, Toji."

Both turned to watch Shinji wobble out of his room, half supporting the injured side with a crutch. Toji was instantly on his feet and ready to haul him onto his back if need be, but was stopped when Shinji raised a hand and shook his head. "I'm fine," he rasped with half a cough. "It's been a while. You want something to drink?"

"What is it with you two?" Toji demanded instead. His eyes shifted between the two while a very unsettling feeling of déjà vu overcame him. "Do I need to be worried here?"

"No. It's fine, we're fine," Shinji muttered, and settled on the couch with a low hiss. He still seemed to be having trouble walking unassisted, yet despite the pale hue of his skin and dark circles under his eyes, Toji noticed his friend's face to be not a gaunt as he recalled. "Never had a chance to thank you for the other day. Sorry you had to see that."

Toji raised an amused eyebrow. "We? What's up with that?"

"Nothing!"

Chills went up and down his spine at the immediate, synchronized rebuttal that came from them both. Their freaking faces even got red like before, ugh. This went from weird to disgusting real quick. "Fine, fine, nothing."

The mention of his previous visit elicited a shrug and a glance at the bathroom from Toji. "Regarding the other day, it's cool. Didn't realize you were conscious enough to know I was here." The way Shinji kept glancing at the ground, with the shadow of conflict in his eyes and slumped shoulders, he looked just a bit like the boy he recalled from so many years before.

"I wasn't." The clarification came as more of a grate than anything. Toji felt increasingly out of place with every word spoken to him. From the corner of his eye, he noticed the girl. "Asuka told me about it. I never actually said… uhm…" Shinji's eyes drifted to his jawline. "You know, what happened that night-"

"Doesn't matter." Toji rubbed at his reconstructed arm with a smirk. "I told you to punch me, you punched me, just like when we first met. Came here to bury the hatchet, if you're willing." He dared a sidelong glance at the redhead who, aside from having offered Shinji a cup of tea, was yet to move from her perch by the kitchen, occasionally rubbing at her nape and glaring at the balcony door.

"All of it," Toji elaborated, taking a sip of water and hearing his jaw click. "What went down before this, after, and all the shit in the middle. I don't want you croaking with all this shit on my chest, so consider it an entirely selfish thing."

"So, yeah, it's nice to see you too after a year," replied Shinji with a bit of trepidation. "Listen, Toji. I appreciate you coming over and stuff, and I'm very sorry for what happened. It wasn't my intention for things to end like they did. I…"

Always with the apologies, after so long. Geez, guy. Let somebody else admit responsibility for once.

"He's the one that showed up at your house in the middle of night demanding to be socked in the face," Asuka interjected, feigning disinterest. "Don't see why you need to apologize at all." She gave both their glares a flick of her hair. "What? It was all over the news. 'Third Child breaks jaw of his childhood friend. Police called to the apartment'. Hospitalization, yada yada."

Someone's been doing their homework, and coming to defend another certain someone at a moment's whim. You bitch, Toji thought, strangely pleased. Sweat and ghastly appearance aside, it was nice to know the stubborn, foolish devil had finally realized where she was needed the most. With a nod, he sat back. "What she said."

"And I'm supposed to…" He heard Shinji trail off and could not help but smile despite the tension in the room.

"Do nothing but get better, and never down a handful of pills with a bottle of rum ever again, for any reason. That'd be great." Toji placed the cake and the box on the small table before him. "Brought you guys some cake, and my sister wanted me to give this to you guys. Anyway," he carried on before the host could interrupt him by fussing over the gifts. "Hikari. I royally fucked that up."

"Royally," Asuka agreed, and did nothing but inspect her nails when the next pair of glares descended on her.

Bitch. You're one to talk, miss seven-year-absentee. Regardless of his annoyance, Toji noticed how Shinji was somehow encouraged to not hide away behind his façade if she was in the vicinity; something Mari, and even Hikari had never achieved. "And with all due respect to Soryu here, I think I have an idea of why you two started going out to begin with."

His last comment earned a deadly glance from Asuka that perfectly masked her intrigue on the subject, and brought total silence to the room. Got you. Jealous much, Soryu? Good, 'cause apparently that was the point of it all. Whereas Shinji's gaze morphed into a guarded frown, something more familiar to what he was used to, Asuka's eyes drifted in their direction with more frequency. Yeah, keep pretending you're not listening to every word.

"What do you mean?" Shinji replied, arms crossed. He kept scratching his left arm, the area around the wound on his neck, with his left hand clenching and unclenching.

Toji sighed and leaned forward, forearms resting on his legs. "I mean Hikari came to you out of sincere concern, and then you two got to talking. She started going to your restaurant, and of course you wouldn't stop yammering about that one every chance you had," Toji said, pointing at Asuka. "And she wouldn't stop asking you shit about me. So you two said 'fuck it, why not?' and why wouldn't you, really. Only there was never any spark. You two barely even kissed more than a handful of times, never once hugged."

"Toji, we-" Shinji's expression twisted in anger. "How do you know all that?"

A cellphone fell into Shinji's lap. "Text messages," Toji responded whilst playing with his pendant. "Hikari thought I was mad at her or something. Can you believe that? Pfft, I know you two talked about making me jealous, making this one here jealous too while you were at it. Dumb fucking plan, if I may say so."

"Really dumb," Asuka agreed. Toji had to suppress a laugh when he saw Shinji mouth out her name without making a sound. "Don't Asuka me, I hate to agree with the resident ape, but that is a shitty strategy. Just speaking from experience, here."

And trying to mask how you're about to lose your shit over this information, huh? Toji mused with mirth. Most of his anger over Hikari and Shinji's attempt at a relationship had been either forgotten or consumed by shame. Shinji's quiet, like this is some intervention type shit.

"Not like she or I have any room to talk, mind you," Toji remarked with a snicker. "But yeah, it was bad. And it worked, however dumb it was. Ah, no. No apologies." He brushed off Shinji's next attempt to interrupt. "It's done. We can hang out, all of us at some point, and there won't be any weird shit. Not from me, anyway. If anything, I should be angry at her for dating my friend and stuff, but I don't really care. I know it ended badly… and for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I've been a horrible friend lately."

Shinji remained silent, pensive, choosing to not offer the automatic reply for once. Toji took the chance to glance at Asuka and confirm she was staring intently at his host. It was the first time he saw affection shine in her features. Mask fell off for a second there, Soryu. Must be the withdrawal, huh.

"Toji." His gaze shifted upon hearing Shinji speak. "I understand." Then, the young man smiled at him. Ah, yeah. There he is. Guess the Crimson Bitch wasn't too far off in her theory. Shinji Ikari peeked out from underneath the armor he had built upon himself. The boy he remembered spoke again. "Thank you for worrying about me, and for coming to see me the other day. I know you've been meaning to visit for a while. I'm very happy to see you, I am. Sorry if I… don't look the part."

His shoulders slackened, the frown melted, and Toji stood up, giving Shinji no time to move away as he flopped on the couch next to him and drew him into an involuntary one-armed hug.

"Hey, watch it!" Asuka was the first to interject. "He's injured, you brute!"

The girl's reaction was pleasant to behold, regardless of how unnecessary. "I know, not squeezing the guy in any of the injured areas as you can see, Frau Doktor," Toji retorted, happy to not have Shinji shuffle uncomfortably in his hold. "Missed the freaking hell out of you, you damn bastard. You gonna stop swallowing down that poison and sniffing that shit, huh? Are you?"

"I'm trying, goddamn it," Shinji ground out, and while he did not reciprocate much, Toji noticed no attempts to smash his nose in or even a half-hearted struggle to get out of the awkward embrace. "I just… it's hard."

"I can't imagine how hard it actually is." Toji pressed hard on Shinji's shoulder. "But you've got backup now, for once. This isn't like one of Misato's lame ass interventions, either. Let there be no more bullshit between us. Clean or not, you're my buddy. That's one thing that hasn't changed, stop that crap about you not having any friends."

Missing molars and a broken jaw were laid to rest at last when Shinji smiled at Toji and nodded. "Thanks," he said once he was released from the unwanted hug. "It's nice to… not be alone."

"Cool, so now that all that crap is solved..." He proceeded to punch Shinji's healthy shoulder.

"Hey!"

"It's cool, Soryu, no steam on that. He didn't even flinch." A second harmless punch landed on the same spot. "What happened? You were doing great, and now you're shaking like a leaf."

Even when Asuka had already let him in on the horrid details of his 'slip' as she called it, Shinji exchanged a look with her, as though asking for clearance. She gave an almost imperceptible nod, after which Shinji's eyes drifted to the floor.

Guess she was right about that, too. This is about the only moment I have to do this. Another day or two, and this window closes forever. Toji's thoughts drifted to a few days before, to the conversation with Asuka and how despite her best efforts, a crack had manifested in her mask, and she had demanded he behave like a friend for once.

"I was… it was getting really hard to not focus on the voices," Shinji admitted. "I told you about the memories, right? Like, the fights, and… Third Impact, and all of that." Toji nodded; he noticed how Shinji's voice gained speed with every word. "About three years ago, it got really bad, so bad I couldn't really cook, or train. So, I started taking the pills, and they all stopped. The memories, the… the…"

"The visions?" Toji asked, slowly and carefully.

"Yeah," said Shinji, gaze glued to the ground. "They're… horrible, you know? Just horrible, and they feel so very real at times." Both Toji's and Asuka's eyes widened at Shinji's admission; by the way she took a few steps forward Toji assumed the subject of visions was not regularly discussed. "I can hear, and smell things… feel them. So many people screaming at once, and other times it's so disturbingly specific. It never ends."

Man, I wish I could relate. Wait. Wait. What did your sister say, Suzuhara? Common ground. "You know, I dream about that time I piloted sometimes. When I wake up, I always reach for my arm, or my leg." It felt ridiculous, How in seven years of knowing him they had not once spoken of their trauma.. "I feel like they're not there. I sleep on them at times, I think unconsciously, and then freak out in the morning."

"Right?" Shinji asked desperately. Even more surprising than having Shinji agree with him was the sight of the great Second Child holding her breath, hanging on to each word spoken. "You do these things," he lamented. "These things that you know will take you there, to the places you don't want to go… and you still do them!"

"Like crapping on the one good thing in your life on purpose, like I did with Hikari. Or trying to ignore the horror altogether just to see if you can survive, like you do," Toji said with a dry chuckle, and pointed at Asuka. "Or doing a mixture of both."

"Yeah, go to hell, Stooge," Asuka retorted with a flick of her hair.

The room's heavy air deflated to an extent as they all shared a brief laugh. "See? To some degree, everybody in this room has done stupid shit to run away," Toji was happy to point out. "The both of you with good reason, me because I'm an asshole."

Shinji offered a slight chuckle, then Toji watched him turn to the right and stare at the corner of the room for a moment before shaking his head. They're here. It's like the dreams, when I'm in the Entry Plug, or the pain in the mornings. The murmurs of 'not real, not real, you're not here' reached his ears, regardless of how Shinji tried to mask them. A deep sadness blossomed in Toji's chest just by watching his friend try to focus on reality. You've been doing all of this, all on your own. Damn, Shinji. It's okay, though. Let it come out, man.

After receiving yet another encouraging nod from him and an intense glare from Asuka, Shinji took a deep, labored breath. "They come up at times when I'm cooking in the restaurant." His voice was strained with fear.

"Visions, people… torn apart. Asuka, torn apart. Flashes that make me step back and try to remember that I'm not there, anymore. That it's the past, or it's in my head. They just get so loud, though. I…" Another crack in the armor, and Toji saw just how haunted Shinji's eyes were. "I feel myself destroying Unit 03, screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to make it stop. I feel my hands moving on their own, I feel… my chest burning."

"Were you having lots of these the day I visited, and the days before?"

"Lots," Asuka confirmed; she was already standing behind Shinji. "I went to get some sweets and ingredients so we could cook and get his mind off them a little. Talking wasn't helping, neither was physical therapy."

"Asuka," Shinji whispered, looking back at her. "Yeah," he said afterwards. "I suppose she told you about the pictures."

"That she did, yes." Toji leaned back, stretched and stared at the ceiling. "I heard about her ex, and what he did. Soryu also told me she was the one to jump in bed with the asshole in the first place. Not that it makes any difference. That was fucked up."

"Very much so," Shinji agreed, his eyes kept drifting towards the corner until Asuka squeezed his shoulder and he relaxed to an extent. "I wanted to… fly over to Germany at once, but I knew I couldn't, and they just wouldn't shut up, not for a second. All I wanted was to…"

The bandaged left hand curled into a tight fist.

"Jump into Unit 01 and crush the little shit like a grape, but you were weak, and powerless," Toji elaborated. "Not even calling upon your gangster friends was an option in your brain, so you went for the escape route."

Sadness spread all throughout Toji upon seeing his friend nod in defeat, as he had seen him do so frequently before. "I ran away," Shinji said. "I've been running away from you, from the pain, the memories, the visions, from everything. Just… I…"

Shinji's powerful shoulders shook as a sob escaped his parched throat. Toji made no move to console him, noticing how Asuka's hand never moved. "I've been trying… to survive, you know? I don't think I deserve to die, not after..." Shinji paused and furiously dabbed away at his eyes. "I'm trying to make Rei's sacrifice be worth something, and it's so difficult! Every day is a damn struggle, it's hard to sleep, or to be awake… it's… painful."

"Add withdrawal to all of that and yeah, I kind of get it a little." Eliciting a loud groan of discomfort, Toji pretended to glare at his friend. "Still, come on, you freaking idiot."

"Said the kettle to the pot," Soryu interjected with a smirk.

"Right. So, Shinji, how about the next time you feel like you're about to do something equally, if not stupider than what you did, instead of downing a full bottle of rum in ten minutes… you just give me a call?"

Yet another burst of laughter alleviated whatever drift had been growing lately between the two friends. It felt as though they had started over with nothing but a slight effort to voice out their grievances.

"I'll be sure to try," was the somewhat snide response from a still teary-eyed Shinji. "Thank you. I shouldn't have done that. It was… it was very stupid."

The message between the lines was delivered flawlessly. Toji knew Shinji was speaking about both his slip during recovery and the entire ordeal with Hikari. Finally, it's done. Heh, can you believe that, Hikari-chan? I did something right for once. "Damn right it was, man. Damn right."

"But since he's the bigger idiot of the two, he'll put this behind him as the monkey lacks the necessary mental capacity to hold onto a stupid grudge, or stay mad you for that matter," said Asuka, giving Shinji a final pat on the head which elicited a growl. She turned towards the kitchen. "You're staying for lunch, right? Like a Stooge would ever reject a free meal."

"How do I know your cooking isn't as bad as Misato's?" Toji retorted with a smile.

Shinji snickered at the comment, but shook his head. "Her food's actually great, and very healthy. You'll love it."

"He would, of course, if I were to be cooking, but to hell with that. You feed this brute." Asuka stood next to the stove, hands on her hips, foot impatiently tapping the floor. "This is part of your physical therapy, now. Let's go, full twenty minutes on your feet."

While Toji did offer to help Shinji off his feet, he stayed on the couch once the refusal came, and chose to observe the interaction in minute detail. There was strain between them still, much of it probably brought about by recent events. However, it was obvious by a mile just how happy both youngsters were to spend time with each other. The hedgehogs find a chance, a position where their spikes are just barely cutting, and huddle for warmth, he recited from memory. Sakura did love her little random biology details. So I should just trust the process, as Soryu said. Well, she's alive right now, isn't she? There's gotta be a reason why. Maybe she can help Shinji find out his own reason. Maybe I can help, too.

Lunch was plentiful, since neither host nor hostess ate much and Toji was treated to one of Shinji's recipes. The pair teased, laughed, argued and barked at one another in equal measure as they ate, reminiscent of how they acted after meeting for the first time. He found it impossibly refreshing, and hilarious to observe. Over the following hours only slight tremors and itches bothered each pilot, and the trio enjoyed a meal together for the first time.

Once they said their goodbyes, Asuka walked Toji to the door and punched his arm with plenty strength behind it. "Cheating pig, you don't deserve Hikari."

"And it rains on rainy days. Yeah, I'm aware of that, Soryu."

"But take it from me," Asuka shoved the keycard to his new apartment into Toji's chest. "Don't keep waiting. Something horrible can always happen, and you'll never get the chance to do the things you wanted to do. Have some fucking courage."

As agreed upon during their first encounter, Toji was to move into the complex for the duration of Shinji's recovery, or until further notice. The damn Devil had even bothered to pay six months' worth of rent in advance.

"I'm two doors to the right, like we talked?" Toji confirmed, checking his phone to ensure the truck had picked up his belongings from the old apartment complex. Asuka nodded, so he produced one of the syringes given by Kaji and pressed it into her hand. "You're not alone, either, and I don't just mean that idiot you're taking care of. There's a guy out there who also cares for Asuka, deeply at that. He'd love a chance to have a talk, whenever you feel like it. So, do take a little of your own advice, and call the poor bastard already."

"I'll think about it," said Asuka, and pocketed the syringe with a scowl. "Toji."

He was taken aback by her using his actual name. "Huh? What is it?"

"Do you trust me?"

Without breaking eye contact, he shook his head slightly. "No."

Shockingly enough, Asuka smirked at his response and chose to throw a low kick at his calf. "Good. Keep that attitude."

"For how long? The next seven years? That's the sentence I'd bestow on you for this fucking negligence, by the way."

"Fair," she conceded, and extended her hand. "We got a deal, then?"

Toji shook it with vigor, offering a scowl of his own to match hers. "Deal." A gleam coming from the girl's wrist caught his eye. "Heh, I remember when he picked that one out. He's been taking care of you too, huh?"

"Of course he has," Asuka confirmed with the confident smirk he recalled from that warship, years before. "He's the Invincible Shinji, isn't he?"

"That he is. Listen..." Finally, it felt like he was giving a step in the right direction in his personal life. "Take care of yourself, Soryu. You're not looking too good."

"Duly noted. Nice to know I've got backup, too, I guess." She threw the cellphone he had given Shinji earlier back on his unsuspecting hands. "Call Hikari. That's an order."

"Aye, aye."

Once the door closed and she disappeared, Toji stood there for a full minute, evaluating his new situation. As the only friend of both parties involved, it was now his job to mediate a meeting between Shinji and Kensuke, as part of the former's healing process.

"Oh, what a blessing. Now I get to mediate in the world's most uncomfortable situation. Great. Just great."

Asuka's efficient planning was more than annoying; the truck had arrived earlier and he was forced to spend the afternoon furnishing his new apartment. The balcony had an ample view of the mountains and the ocean beyond, most likely the reason why Shinji had chosen to live there in the first place.

With little else to do other than watch the sunset in the newfound home, Toji breathed in deep and stared at the rosette, orange and gray hues of the sky. The air was crisp, cold and refreshing, and from his perch by the balcony the entirety of the city was visible. Every effort to rebuild was and would be evident from the spot, each new home or building constructed probably felt like a victory to Shinji. Despite his father's best efforts, despite the world's most powerful men plotting for decades, the Third Child had not followed the predisposed scenario.

Toji glanced at the cellphone, recalling Asuka's words, and dialed the contact she had punched into the phone. Never before did the ringing feel so unbearable.

"Hello? Hikari speaking, how can I help you? Hello? Who is this?"

"Uhm…" a gasp upon hearing his voice, and she fell silent. His jaw clicked loud enough for her to hear. "…Hi."

---

On day six, anger became the norm.

Shinji was rabid almost all the time, ready to snap, and while he remained mostly civil and cordial, Asuka saw the wrath simmering. Her own mental state deteriorated, with nonsensical details annoying her, and even the way in which Shinji tried to remain respectful got on her nerves. The vivid jealousy which had consumed her years before returned with a vengeance; she began to feel irrationally possessive of him, and whenever she caught a text message from Krista her teeth ground together.

Jackson had acted nonchalant the day before, despite the evident tension in the room as they shared lunch. 'Coach', as he insisted on being called, asked about her health and easily saw through the fresh shower and makeup. He instantly knew of her condition, but said nothing of it. Krista called her strategy batshit crazy and mocked the very nature of her approach, threatening to remove her from the house if her patient had a second slip, or was hurt. While she admired the girl's dedication to Shinji, it was becoming increasingly annoying to make every visitor understand that Shinji had not, in fact, tried to take his own life.

Shinji responded to his friends' inquiries less than delicately, offering none but Coach close to none of the politeness that characterized him. He was adamant against discussing the matter at all, and when pressed as to why he had relapsed, Shinji became aggressive and harshly asked if the subject could be changed. The reaction to further inquiries was a snarl, one which made whoever asked step back.

One detail Asuka noticed was how he started using a music player again. It was all but impossible to avoid the visions, so he blasted classical piece after classical piece, sometimes even rock songs to at least drown out the voices. He was in a permanent state of unrest, as was to be expected, and about the only that had normalized to an extent was, ironically enough, his sleeping pattern.

Shinji slept a full six to seven hours, and had done so for the past three days. Even if he thrashed about, at least whatever horror he was reliving was not extreme enough to rouse him. Asuka's nightmares, on the other hand, remained as vivid as ever, and often it was her waking him with a scream or a jolt. He never seemed to mind, and was quick to hold her in place.

While her withdrawal was far milder than his, Asuka still suffered a permanent, unyielding anxiousness. Having already gone through the hellish process once already, she knew the unease would not abate for days to come. She felt the insecurity of her younger years creep back along with the jealousy and possessiveness, and became increasingly infuriated as she watched Shinji stare at her less as the days droned on.

He's pissed at me, very angry. And it's about the pictures, about Moritz, she concluded that morning as they ate breakfast. Shinji would look at her, look away and frown in a manner too similar to her own. He wore the watch every day regardless, and was keen on looking at it whenever she caught him glaring back at her. That day she had woken up at about dawn, thrashing about and yelling the now-familiar 'wait' before waking up. He most likely thought her dream had something to do with her ex-boyfriend, since it had become increasingly frequent ever since the bastard had contacted him.

"Doing some laundry today," Shinji muttered in between bites, nibbling on a piece of toast. "Want me to do yours, as well?"

"Kinky, Baka," she teased, making him almost spit out the coffee. "Only if there are no sudden movements involved, sure. I'll do the cooking today if you're doing laundry."

The shadow of his frown disappeared for a moment as he both coughed and chuckled. "Thought I was doing better. Still can't do any sudden movements?"

Asuka devoured another piece of the German black bread the restaurant owner had gifted them. "Nope. Last session in your beloved tank is coming up, so I don't want any surprises."

"Lovely, just another hour or two in the tube." His eyes softened to a degree as he moved the injured leg up and down. "I thought I'd never be able to run again." He smiled, making her heartbeat double in speed. "Thank you."

"You're not running yet if I have a say in it, idiot." Asuka relaxed into her seat, glad to see his ire diminish somewhat. "Nor are you kicking down trees with that leg for another good month."

"I miss my jogs," Shinji admitted. She blinked in surprise at the sudden admission. "Helped me get my mind off things." Shinji batted away at his ear and froze for a moment after glancing at the corner.

"She there? Yui?" Asuka asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Mari." Shinji uttered the name with more animosity than expected. "I must look insane, seeing ghosts and talking to myself."

"Tell the bitch to keep roasting in hell, if you'd be so kind. And no," Asuka said, smiling. When they talked, the anxiety receded. "You don't look insane. You look healthier than I've ever seen you in recent years. And you're sleeping well, aren't you?"

Nodding, Shinji painfully got to his feet and wobbled to the sink with both their empty plates. "Surprisingly well, actually. And how do you know how I've looked… ah, never mind. Thanks, again."

"Sure thing. Didn't mean to wake you up this morning." And we gently throw the line in the water, and wait for the big, angry fish to come bite, she thought with both excitement and dread. "I've been having this same stupid dream lately, it's annoying."

"Want to talk about it?" Shinji asked. His body language visibly displayed discomfort as he washed the dishes, his back to her.

Bet you'd love it if I did, and I know you'd say some stupid crap about you not deserving to be in the dream. Asuka was itching for confrontation; the increased time Shinji spent speaking with Krista or Toji over the phone pressed against her psyche. "Not really. It's not a nightmare or anything, it's just a weird dream."

"Doesn't sound like a weird dream in the mornings," Shinji commented and sat back down. "But if you don't want to tell me, that's fine."

Voice is getting quieter, and colder. The fish sees the bait, she mused. "I'll tell you about my dream if you tell me about yours. How's that?"

"Ugh, fine." Shinji scratched away at his arm. His discomfort was palpable, with shivers running up and down his body and small droplets of sweat rolling down his temple. "It's not even an interesting dream. There's this train I have to take. Before, I was just standing on the beach, you know the one. Lately, though… it's a bit longer. Something tells me I have to go to the city and get in the train, but I never manage to get there. I wake up before I can, or it leaves just as I'm about to climb in." He shrugged with the uninjured side. "That's about it, now's your turn."

A train you have to take, huh. "Do you have the ticket in hand, a backpack or travel bag somewhere?" she inquired with interest. The fish circling the line, soon to bite. "Are there people in this dream aside from you, and what about the beach? Any details on that?"

Growling in annoyance, Shinji frowned at the table. "What's with the extra questions, Frau Doktor? We analyzing dreams now? Should I get Jung's book? I told you about my dream, that was the deal." His shoulders hunched and stiffened. "Stop the therapist crap, you know I hate it."

Excitement mingled with anger and anxiety at his reaction. "Well, I thought a few details wouldn't hurt. Wouldn't you like me to be a bit more thorough when I tell you about my dream?" She felt the line go tense, the fish had nibbled on the bait. Time to reel it in, then. "Or are you happy just making assumptions in your head?"

"Assumptions of what?" he grated, driving a pleasant jolt down her spine. "What are you talking about, so early in the morning?"

"Do you think when I get up, throwing my hand up in the air and yelling, that I'm talking to Moritz?" The moment she mentioned the man's name Shinji's entire body tensed up. It felt like watching a lion crouch before it threw itself at its prey. "I'll tell you about it if you ask nicely."

"Doesn't matter if it's him or not. As a matter of fact, I don't think I care anymore about this dream of yours." Shinji got to his feet in a haste, hissing when the back wound burned, but before he could dash towards the laundry room, she spoke louder than before.

"So, running away, are we? So it wouldn't bother you if it is in fact Moritz in my dream?" Despite having a clear, calculated plan on how this interaction should go, Asuka's own altered state betrayed her logical thinking. "He's not, you know. Never once dreamed about that loser."

"No, evidently not, but you sure as hell let him-" Shinji cut himself off, which both satisfied and irked her. "Whatever, not my business."

And hooked our angry fish perfectly. Time to reel it in, Asuka. "It's not? Hmm, well I thought since we're friends and all, that it would be your business."

"Whatever happened, happened between two consenting adults." He fired her own words back at her and leaned against the wall for support, still on his feet. "What does this have anything to do with your dream?"

"It doesn't, really. But if we're being honest, the fact that you want to tear my head off is becoming more noticeable," Asuka elaborated with a smirk. "I just think that after everything we've been through ever since I came here, it shouldn't be a problem to talk about things that are bothering us. It's starting to feel like we're fourteen again, lately. Wouldn't you say so?"

"You've been extra snappy these past few days, and I've been quiet. It's the freaking withdrawal," Shinji rebuked, avoiding her eyes. "Who says I'm mad at you? That's in your head, stop projecting that on me."

The fish refuses to give in, struggling against the line, but he's already bitten through the hook. Just one one strong pull, Asuka realized as irritation slowly overtook her mindset. "Projection. Big word there, idiot. Don't hurt yourself. But really, this doesn't have to be complicated. Stop avoiding the issue and I'll tell you every detail of my dream."

"I'm not angry at you, okay?" He half-yelled, half-coughed, and realized himself how harshly he had spoken. "Oh. Well, I guess I am angry."

"Yes you are, and probably for good reason. Wanna talk about it?" Say yes say yes say yes say yes you freaking idiot come on just do it say yes come o-

"Uhm." Instead of scratching, Shinji rubbed at his bicep instead, losing much of the dangerous edge he had been exuding ever since waking up. His eyes drifted to the corner of the room and, most likely upon seeing no apparition stand there, nodded. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt."

"That's the spirit. I've got thick skin now, believe it or not. Not just some fake pride," Asuka said and crossed her arms. "You can scream now to an extent nowadays. Do it if you must, it's good for you."

She had expected him to go for a full-on rant right from the beginning. However, Shinji seemed to gather his thoughts for a moment, then frowned and glowered at the corner. "Will you just shut up for once?" he whispered, put both his hands on the table, and glared at the bandage around his knuckles. "Sorry. I didn't mean you."

"I know. What's she saying?"

He sighed in defeat. "What I'm about to say right now."

This time, the chill that ran down her back was less than pleasant. "Okay, then," Asuka acknowledged, taking note of the way this Mari vision worked, and braced herself. "Let me have it."

"Is it so surprising that I'm furious at this prick for taking advantage of you like that?" Shinji demanded at last. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

"It's not. I can relate to that anger only too well, after all." This time, it was Asuka who glared at the corner, recalling the face of the girl that tormented her patient constantly. "But we're talking about your anger towards me, not the fuckwaffle."

"How long?" Shinji ground out as his breath deepened. "How long did I try to get a simple hello from you? Not even in a… ugh. I just wanted to know you were okay. I wanted to hear your voice tell me you were okay, not get the info from the news. How long did I try?"

"Seven long, tedious, and horrible years." Her answer was curt, her voice cold.

"A long time," Shinji said instead and curled both fists even tighter. "You never used to let anybody see you with that piece of crap, and then suddenly you're all over the place, the both of you. All over the media, giving interviews of all things."

The anxiety and anger, added to her exhaustion, left Asuka defenseless for the stab of pain that came with Shinji's statement. "I thought we spoke about this, and why we were doing that crap. You did something similar with Hikari, my friend."

"Your friend that you didn't speak to for years, yeah." Scratching at his scalp, Shinji's glare drifted to the table. Her teeth ground together when he broke eye contact. "The point is that it pissed me off. It made me feel… horrible… to see you with that guy, especially because I knew, even then, the type of bastard that he was." His fist collided with the table. "I know why you did it, I understand it. It's this… irrational thinking of mine, and it only gets worse the more days pass. I have all this… all this proof that you… that…" He stole a glance at the watch. "That it really meant nothing to you, and still I'm so angry."

Just like I'm getting furious every time you talk to your little gym partner friend, Asuka thought and pressed her nails into the skin of her palms. "Does it feel like I betrayed you or something?"

It felt like a blow to see him nod. "A little bit, yeah."

Fear crept up on her. It took all her mental strength not to start shaking her leg up and down. "Does it make you feel disappointed… or disgusted with me? Because I'd understand if it does."

Half-expecting him to push her away like everybody eventually did, Asuka was shocked to hear his voice raise instead. "What? Disgusted? No! Who the hell am I to judge? I'm a walking dise-"

"Stop that." Asuka interrupted, feeling both the dread and wrath intensify. "I told you to stop talking like that. Now be honest."

"I am being honest!" A scream erupted out of Shinji's chest at last. "No, it doesn't disgust me! But it hurts so god damn much! You read the stupid letter! You know how I… what it means to me! This!" He motioned toward them both. "And you tell me to just sit back and do nothing!" he declared and slammed the table again. "It pisses me off that you're acting like it doesn't matter!"

We're getting there. Her eyes narrowed at him. "Because it doesn't."

"It does to me!" bellowed the boy Shinji had once been. He looked so young then that Asuka almost forgot all about the disquiet, dread or wrath. "And it bothers you, too! Stop pretending otherwise!"

"Yeah, it bothers me. It makes me feel disgusted with myself," she admitted with a scowl of her own. "Mostly because it was me trying to avoid thinking about you."

"I know that, damn it! Why did you have to go and do that, huh?" His voice broke, straining with every word. "Why couldn't you just talk to me, or give me a call? Why was this piece of shit the better choice?"

Anger overshadowed everything else, and the Second Child resurfaced from the cage she had constructed. "He wasn't, you idiot!" She rose, slamming both hands on the table and glowering at him. "What, you wanted me to come here and hurt you? Because that's what I would've done if I came then! I was a major bitch to him, to Kensuke, and to basically everyone around me for all those years!"

"That would've been better than silence!" Shinji retorted with equal force, eyes filled with grief.

"You don't know that, okay?" He voice betrayed her, breaking at the end of the scream. "I needed to get all that poison out before I could come here again! So I did, and I'm here!"

"You wanna know why I'm mad, do you?" Shinji snarled back, holding onto the stomach wound when it complained. "Because that bastard in those pictures is not me!"

Victory, she thought with a smile. Bingo. "That's right. And you never will be, because you would never do something so foul. Especially not to me. Ah!" She raised her hand, moving her forefinger left and right before he could respond. "Third Impact and its foreplay notwithstanding."

Taken aback by her and his own words, Shinji took the crutch and hobbled away into the living room, plopping on the couch with a grunt. "Oh," he said after a few minutes of terse silence. "So that's why I'm mad at you."

Asuka filled two large cups with water, then walked over and sat opposite to him. "I bet it doesn't help that we're basically living together. You probably see those pictures every time you look at me lately, right?"

"Yeah," Shinji admitted, taking the cup and downing its content in a few gulps. "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing," she automatically replied. A sad smile washed over her features. "Heh, it looks like I am hurting you after all, huh?"

Shinji's fingers began to brush the surface of the watch. "No. You're doing the opposite. I'm just still very… sick."

"We both are, Shinji." Asuka heard a noose from somewhere in the room. "It's called trauma, and it doesn't go away with pills."

They sat there, scratching at their skins, moving erratically, feeling their insides burn. She noticed whatever vision Shinji was having turning exponentially worse, to the point that he was shaking in fear. "Asuka," he started, sounding like his old self again. "Would you mind… sitting next to me for a little while?"

"You're sure it won't bother you?" asked Asuka with some trepidation.

Shinji coughed out a few strained laughs, and patted the spot to his right. "I'm sure." Neither of them attempted to initiate physical contact after she sat down, content instead with just being next to each other. A tad more of the strain in their home faded away as the constant dizziness, nausea and unrest peeled away the spikes they had developed to keep everybody away.

"I'm walking down the street in my dream. It's the same street over at that shelter we were moved into after Third Impact," she said, and instantly felt Shinji's intense gaze lock on her. "You're walking next to me, but I can't see you. There's a fog around you, but I remember your voice. You ask me how I'm doing, you start talking but I can't understand a word. Everything sounds like it's muffled."

Despite Asuka's best efforts to only wear the trinket on special days, the tiny anchor felt more grounding than any medication, so the small golden band found itself more and more frequently on her wrist. Shinji said nothing, but sought out her hand and squeezed reassuringly.

Asuka cleared her throat, swallowing down the new lump of insecurity that manifested. "On one side of the street there are these men in white suits. They're standing around a table." Both of them grimaced at the recollection of what those men represented. "If I stare too long my feet move towards them, and then just like that their suits are stained with blood. My mother's doll is on the table, being eaten. If I walk that way, I'm back in the entry plug in no time, and I go through it all over again."

"Do you…" Shinji murmured, scratched away at the leg wound. "Do you always go there, to where they're standing?"

"No." In her dream, she always turned to him to keep from walking into that horrid table and those memories. "If I focus on walking down the street, I don't go there. It's not even like I can choose. I'm just there, sort of floating forward instead of walking, and you're walking next to me. If I don't focus on you, even if I can't see you… then the memories come back, stronger than ever. So I try to see your face, but I can't, no matter how hard I strain, I can't even speak. Nothing. I'm just a spectator."

"So… I'm the one walking next to you?" Shinji inquired off-handedly. She chuckled; the relief dancing in his voice was impossible to miss. "And you can't hear what I'm saying?"

"Not a word. We keep walking, and I see you grow older behind the shadow. Then we… we reach the street, and that car comes speeding in. After you push me out of harm's way, I can finally see and hear you clearly. You ask if I'm okay." Asuka took a deep, shaky breath to master herself. " It's such a beautiful day in my dream. The sky's purple and green and orange. I feel… not alone, and then my body moves by itself. I push you. I know it's coming, I always know, I always try to stop it but can't. Just when you're about to fall, I get control of myself, and I always scream… uhm…"

"Wait," Shinji finished. His body pressed against hers, relaxing both onto the couch and her shoulder. "Don't go."

Mother laughed from behind her. If she turned, the corpse would most likely be hanging from the ceiling somewhere. Years of mental reconditioning had given her the tools to combat it, at last, so she focused on Shinji's body warmth instead. "Stay," Asuka whispered once her head was resting on his. "Stay with me."

And so he did. They soon began to tremble, sweat and lament quietly to themselves as each saw, heard and felt wounds from the past seven years. She felt Shinji's muscles tense and constrict to try and stop the ceaseless shaking. "Maybe you should handle the cooking today," Asuka said after about an hour. "I'll do the laundry. You're more focused when you're cooking and listening to your little songs."

"Thanks," he replied, and painfully moved into the kitchen. "The drawer in the laundry room, just behind the counter where the fabric softener is… there's a box in there. It's… not a present or anything," Shinji began to cut and dice as he spoke. "Thought you might want them back."

"Want what back?" With the first breakthrough in days, a part of the crushing, endless agony product of withdrawal eased away with the stress. Asuka went about picking up the dirty clothes strewn about, almost giddy to search said box. "What are you talking about?"

"Just something you left behind. Been meaning to give it back for a couple for days," Shinji answered. His cryptic retort only made her move faster.

Once the laundry machine was working and a peek into the kitchen assured her that Shinji was engrossed in his music and cooking, Asuka almost ripped the door off its hinges in her rush to find the box he spoke of. She had left all sorts of things behind that day: whatever clothes she owned, the old, ripped and discarded plugsuit, the weapon she had for self-defense back then, and many more. Not one of them had hurt more than these.

Her neural clips.

Once, and for so long, they had meant everything to her. Pride, status, strength, self-agency and self-sufficiency, heroism, they were a representation of it all. At the same time, they symbolized the emptiness of those concepts back then, her blindness and naivety in believing all those qualities would derive from her piloting. False strength, crippling self-doubt, fear and denial, the memories of every step towards the ultimate downfall, towards a coma and a gruesome death.

It was all so bittersweet. The clips were in impeccable condition aside from the scratches they had received in the weeks following Third Impact. Not even fingerprints were discernible on their surface.

Everything came back in a flood. The good, the bad and the very worst flashed through as her gaze caressed the reflection of light in the red. She had left them in the house seven years before, on the day of their date, and tried to make herself somewhat presentable with whatever was available back then. All day long, all she had wanted to do was check the bite mark on his arm, take a closer look at his neck and head, and speak to him. Apologize, perhaps, ask if he was okay.

A part of me, the only one he was left with back then. If he's giving them back, then…

Either he was telling her the time for a true farewell was nigh, that he was getting ready to leave her behind and move on into a healthier, happier life, or… it had finally dawned on him. There was no need to hold onto these anymore.

Asuka was there to stay.

---

Seven days after Shinji's relapse, his resolve began to completely crumble.

They had been close to complete detoxification before, right before the pictures were sent to him, having entered the first forty-eight eight hours of consuming nothing. Whereas he had bravely withstood it back then with nothing but water, this time around Shinji had accepted whatever means of pain relief she was willing to provide.

From electrolytes to measured amounts of painkillers to treat the pain of his wounds, Shinji took anything. Toji helped her remove every alcohol bottle from the house, and stood at attention and watched whenever her own exhaustion won the battle. Krista and Coach took turns to stand vigil around the apartment building at night and observe if any drugs were delivered in stealth. Hanayama threatened all dealers from the vicinity and ensured nobody dared facilitate anything to the former Third Child.

A united front tackled the problem for once.

Having been through a much more hellish withdrawal process in Thailand, Asuka withstood her own nightmares and visions for the six gruesome days that they lasted. On the day her sleep pattern normalized, Shinji's visions worsened to the point that even if he was sleeping better, it terrified him to fall unconscious.

Even after taking his broken phone away as a precaution, calls still filtered out of the apartment. Shinji's efforts to get himself anti-psychotics escalated in proportion to the symptoms. The chemical imbalances in his brain kept him either depressed or paranoid. He was prone to abrupt angry outbursts that ended in him withering in pain when the wounds voiced their displeasure. Every resource Asuka knew him to have to get narcotics was exhausted, to no avail, and knowing she would not budge for so much as an edible, he simmered in discomfort during meals.

Regardless of how bad the day was, at night the bickering would stop, both their energies spent, and just like right after Third Impact they'd sleep holding onto each other. She expected the worse of the process to come early on, awaiting the next explosion with eagerness and feeling better prepared with each passing hour.

Shinji finally spoke to her about the visions again. On the morning of the eighth day he detailed what each one said, how they behaved, what they looked like and with what frequency they'd manifest. The fact that the nightmares had diminished, or faded away the moment he woke up, was frightening. He relayed how terrifying it was to think the terrors were just biding their time, gaining strength to attack while he was conscious.

That same afternoon she had the very first encounter with Her.

It was as smooth a day as they'd had lately, with constant ups and downs. Fights and reconciliation were the norm, as opposed to the pattern of their childhood. With Asuka's immediate withdrawal symptoms all but gone, it was easier to withstand Shinji's mood swings. To his credit, after realizing there would be no mocking, denying or manipulation, Shinji opened about what was he thought was bothering him.

"I said leave it alone, it doesn't matter."

For the most part.

"Oh, but it does," Asuka retaliated. It had been his idea to have a light snack by the balcony, and what had begun as a mundane conversation of her escapades in Germany had soured into an argument concerning Mari. Again. "You said the Eva that speaks to you in your dream does so with her voice. You also told me most times she either agrees with, or outright turns into your mother."

Shinji's eyes drifted towards the mountains and feigned nonchalance, but the way his neck and jaw strained were enough signs of discomfort. "Yeah, we've spoken about it. Can we change the subject?"

"Sure," Asuka conceded with a shrug. "Why did you try to have your gangster friend deliver the very drugs she started giving you behind your back? He called me yesterday. You know those pills only make everything worse in the end."

"Alright, back to talking about the significance of my mind relating Mari with my maternal figure." After groaning quietly to himself, Shinji stared at the remnants of her own sandwich. She suppressed a smirk; he had been getting hungrier lately. "Are you gonna… uhm… finish that?"

I was going to, yeah. Lucky for you I can just have you make more if I get hungry again, Asuka reflected. "Go ahead, I'm not really hungry. But before you do, you'll explain the latest pill escapade."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "Are we doing this right after lunch?"

"Hey, you're the one who wanted a friend and not a therapist, idiot," Asuka remarked, snickering at the way Shinji stuffed his face with the sandwich. "Having second thoughts?"

"Ugh." After drinking whatever remained of his lemonade, Shinji slumped on his seat. "Can't I ask for both, for once?"

"Well, lucky for you, your presence just happens to be blessed by the great Asuka Langley Soryu, so you do have both right now. You're welcome. Now, which point would the great Invincible Shinji want to elaborate on?"

Shinji felt the unquenchable appetite flare right along with the whisper of his mother's voice when she told him he was worthless. The nausea had long since abated, leaving ample room for the self-inflicted damage on his brain to overflow. He felt trapped; not in in a hallucination, but in his mental state and mood, with nothing short of physical pain or Asuka's teasing to shake the fog away.

"Any day now, Third. We're not getting any younger here."

I'm really starting to dislike that girl, Yui mentioned as she sat on the balcony's rail. How about it, darling? We were so close yesterday before the line went dead. We can get some pills today, I'm certain of it. Would that not be better than suffering through this? Pathetic little boy.

The muscles of his leg tightened enough to draw pain from the cut. Talking helps, Shinji repeated in his mind. Showing vulnerability terrified him almost as much as the visions. Having thought himself forsaken and beyond help for so long, it was still inconceivable to believe someone would actually stay, let alone Asuka of all people.

"I didn't know she was giving them to me at first," he revealed after heavy minutes of silence. Just speaking of his relationship with Mari brought him back to its disastrous conclusion, and his surrender to the void. "She came to the restaurant once, then twice, then kept coming. She showed up at my gym, wanted me to instruct her on how to throw a punch and stuff. She was very charming, I suppose. Not that I cared. I was angry back then, very much so." He spared her a sidelong glance. "You might have an idea why."

Back then, both had sunk deeper into the crevices of their armors. "I can imagine, yeah."

"She asked about my day, always called, made me food and brought it to the gym." Shinji mentioned with a sad smile. "I was angry but also… desperate for some human contact. Any type, or so I thought. So I started… responding. I started trying to get better, and when she asked me if she could move in with me, I said yes simply out of fear of being alone again. We never so much as kissed until after that, and even then, I was very uncomfortable with any sort of physical contact."

Asuka's temper flared, the hairs on the back of her neck stood as wrath, resentment and disgust tensed every muscle in her body. "Yeah, and so she started drugging you so the visions would go away, and so you would be tired enough to be unable to resist her advances."

Recalling how Asuka had used every resource available to keep tabs on him, It barely surprised Shinji how much she knew of his last relationship. "Something like that. I felt exhausted all the time then, training was a task instead of something I looked forward to. I just wanted to be in bed. Like… like lately, only my mind was blank. Even thinking was difficult."

Asuka's teeth ground as her leg began shaking up and down. "And what did she do when you were say, too exhausted and collapsed on the couch?"

Instead of the usual spot on his bicep, Shinji's hand came up to scratch the jagged line under his chin. "She'd… lay down next to me and start whispering these things. 'You're mine, you're mine alone, nobody knows you like I do, I always know better because I love you the most.'" Mari took Yui's place in hisline of vision, glowering before she faded away. He smirked. Talking helps. "All this crap, again and again and again, even at night when I was asleep."

God damn fucking witch, she was programming him into codependency, conditioning him like he was a soldier in a mind control experiment, Asuka deduced, enraged. She wanted to burn her all over again. "I don't suppose you appreciated the un-requested hugging sessions, or the drug-induced comas."

Shinji's sad smile never disappeared, making the rage inside her coil and sting like an infected wound. "No, they weren't at all comfortable to me. I realized about the drugs around the time I met Hanayama-kun in a bar. He invited me over for a shot of whiskey and just put the pills on the table, told me to chew one and see if they tasted familiar. They did."

"Yeah, that's a solid red flag. Game over, almost," Asuka remarked while sipping on her own lemonade. "But we're both idiots, and were even worse idiots back then, the both of us. So, what did you do with this new evidence?"

"You know, being the idiot that I am, I actually felt… relieved," Shinji revealed as his fingers traced down the places where his jaw had been fractured. "I thought 'oh wow, this person actually gives a damn, she's trying to make my life easier', pfft. What an idiot, right?"

"A massive one." Asuka's comment came off unexpectedly curt. "So what happened after that? Between you two, I mean."

Days of nothingness, of numbness, of going through the motions while taking the pills and staying sober from everything else were all he remembered. "I guess we started getting along better, to her standards at least. I learned to live with the fatigue, got back to training, and thought for a while that it was… good. But it was never enough for her, she always wanted more of me. Things I didn't want to talk about, or share with anyone, things I wasn't ready to share, she wanted all of it. When I didn't budge, everything started getting worse."

"Is this the stage where she started getting irrationally jealous, going through your stuff, nagging you and eventually driving you into drinking again?" The words came out faster than Asuka realized, and harsher than she intended. Anger was beginning to blind her.

"Yeah, that's pretty much how it happened. We had a huge argument. Well, she argued, I just sat there until she was done and then left. Went to the bar and got myself wasted, and then did it again the next day when she got on my case about drinking. I never really fought back, saw no point in it. It was more…"

Her eyebrow twitched. The same weapon she had deployed against him at the end of Third Impact. "Indifference," Asuka bit out.

"Exactly, and it wasn't even like I was trying for it." Shinji's hand moved over to his neck, massaging where one of the assailants had pressed down his boot. "I tried, I really did. But she wasn't the one for me. I felt nothing, so I ended it, just hoping I wouldn't hurt her. She wouldn't have it, wouldn't accept it."

Relax, breathe. This isn't about you, Asuka thought as she fought her baser instincts. "And this is when she started plotting how to, in her own words, teach you a lesson."

Shinji's own temper began to sour. Remembering those days was unpleasant enough without the girl's increasingly clipped observations. "I never realized it was her until the very end, and apparently neither did anyone else. What's with you and her, anyway?"

"What's with you and Moritz, Shinji?"

His teeth ground at the reply. "How's that comparable?"

Something snapped inside Asuka's mind. "Because she hurt you, you idiot! She put you in a freaking hospital, twice!" she yelled at last and stood abruptly. "Are you not saying what Moritz did is horrible and unspeakable? So is what she did! That is what's with me and her!"

"Moritz got you into cocaine!" Shinji accused, pushed himself upwards and took a step forward.

"That's right, and I got myself out of it!" It felt like a challenge almost, a foolish bickering akin to the ones of their youth. They stood face to face, almost breathing on each other. "Now I'm getting you out of it, and out of that poison she fed you, so no more calls!"

"Fine!" Shinji screamed back with equal force, and they stopped.

Too close. This is too close. This is like that day during the sync training, when we were washing our teeth!

Both took a step backwards and sat back down. "So," Asuka said, and tried to get the blood away from her face with deep breaths. "You were saying you never knew she was behind those events until after… after what happened."

Every time they touched upon the subject of two years before, Shinji recoiled instantly and did everything possible to change the subject. He had mentioned the first attack only in snippets, relating the feelings directly to his experiences when Unit 01 went berserk. Survival instinct, rage, confusion, release, joy and hunger, all mixed together, blinding all but the need to destroy the enemy before him. He nodded, but refused to speak further just like before.

"I'm…" she started after the sound of bickering in Swedish began filtering from above. "I'm very sorry that happened to you. It must've felt like before Third Impact, when everyone abandoned you. To live through something like that again…"

Shinji had explained how he recalled standing in that arena, surrounded by so many faces, all of them smiling and laughing. All of them alive because Rei was dead and gone forever, all of them mocking her sacrifice. All of them mocking his pain. "It honestly never crossed my mind, that she'd be behind this Machiavellian plot to… hurt me. I thought she loved me."

And she did, Asuka acknowledged, trying to bury the stab of agony that came with the thought. In her own twisted, horrible way, she did. "I thought so, too. I should've paid more attention, I shouldn't have been doing coke in some bar with that ass. I should've watched your back."

"Should've, could've, would've, as Misato says." Shinji massaged his obliques, just above the newest scar. There was a small knot there, bone calloused from the fracture seven years before. "I never blamed you for any of it. It was my fault, I was the one who couldn't love her back." He stared into the skies with remorse. "I'm sorry, Mari. I am."

This is a breakthrough, this is good. This is great. But goddamn if thinking of that bitch doesn't make me feel rotten. "I'm sure that wherever she is, she'll be glad to know you tried." Asuka intoned the words just like all the times she had practiced them before a mirror. "It wasn't your fault any more than Third Impact was, Shinji. You should start by apologizing to, and forgiving yourself. Doesn't have to be today, either."

"I'm the one who said everyone should go and die," Shinji tried to argue while attempting to mask his unease.

"After you lost everything."

"After I lost everything. Yeah, we've been through this part. We went through it seven years ago, too."

She nodded with a flick of her hair. "It wasn't any less accurate then than it is today, idiot. Although seven years ago it was basically you mumbling apologies and me yelling at you that it was dumb and unnecessary."

"You mean like right now?" Shinji offered with a small laugh.

"Hey! I take offense to that. I'm a professional," said Asuka. Just not with you. "But sort of like right now, yeah. You done apologizing yet? I'll allow a few more if they make you feel better."

"So gracious of you, oh Great one."

"I'm in a gracious mood, unlike you, Herr Dumpkopf." Her gaze softened at the way Shinji traced down the wound on his leg. "Still not feeling better than in the morning? Always feeling… dissociated? Not here?"

"Still." Shinji's response made Asuka slightly disappointed with herself. "This morning when you were changing the bandages," he carried on, "I thought… damn. Those are some deep wounds. I never really took a second to look at them. Then, I started thinking about Mari and what happened. I never bothered to look at those either, not fully. They've been hurting so much lately, all of them. All the broken bones, all the cuts… they're burning."

"They're crying in relief," she said with a tentative smile. "Because you finally remembered they existed."

It's about to sink in, just like when I was in Thailand. It's about to finally get through his thick skull that he almost d-

"Oh God," he muttered, bringing his palm up as to ensure no blood was coating it. "I almost died. T-Three times, already."

"Four, thanks to your little stunt, idiot. We're even on that."

"Oh no. No, no, no…" Shinji's body shook with tremors unrelated to withdrawal, and at last, she saw fresh, unbelieving tears run down his cheeks. "I… but wasn't I happy about that? I was, that day. I thought it'd be a good day to die. I thought it'd be a good day… what the hell was I thinking? How did I get into that alley? Why does it…" He turned to her with a gaze filled with confusion, disbelief and grief. "Why am I crying?"

"Because you want to live," Asuka explained with confidence. The anger simmered down to a fading flame inside her chest, and thinking became easy again. "Maybe you were just a little too numb back then to realize you don't actually want to die. But you're not numb anymore."

Shinji's unbandaged hand curled into his shirt as he struggled to breathe. "It hurts so god damn much… all these years… ever since my mother was absorbed by Unit 01," he brokenly said. "I can't… I don't want to feel any of this anymore. Why doesn't it stop? I want it to stop!"

Oh, but it's not going to. Where's your mantra when you need it, Baka-Shinji?

As if on cue, Shinji began muttering to himself. "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away… damn it, stop. I don't want to…"

"Feel alive?" Asuka suggested. Exhaustion was already tugging at her mind. Everything about the exchange had been tedious, a break was necessary or she'd break down in tears as well.

He's gonna try and run away. It'll probably get violent, I can feel it. He's terrified, terrified of living, of facing a life sober, Asuka thought, and slowly moved backwards, closing the balcony gate and standing before it.

Any moment now. Any moment. Can't blame him, when it happened to me, three of my trainers had to restrain me. Her hand hit 'send' on the cellphone just as Shinji stood, head bowed and body hunched over. Danger loomed in the air, cutting through the tension of the previous days like a knife. He resembled Unit 01 after it erupted from the Twelve Angel, an unholy beast ready to attack, glaring out at the world.

"Asuka, I need you to move away from the door." Shinji's voice became dangerously low despite it shaking with every word. "I can't deal with this. It's too much, please. Just let me have something, anything! I don't want to remember any of this anymore!"

It pained her to watch him still struggle to move despite the many hours spent doing physical therapy, the serum and the treatment her mother had come up with. "Can't do that, Shinji. This is an important moment. You just realized you want to live. Why would you want to numb that out?"

"Move, damn you!" Shinji picked the chair that separated them and hauled it at the wall with little trouble. "Now! I'm done with this!"

Asuka gave no reaction aside from the same cold glare from Instrumentality. "No. You'll have to kill me first." He crouched before her, holding onto his side with a deranged look in his eyes. "Go on, then. Strangle me. Won't make a difference, you won't take a step out of this apartment. Toji's already by the door, and your entire crew will be at the parking lot in five minutes. I can hold you back for two to three, Toji for one." Asuka's body dropped into a fighting stance. Her eyes narrowed. "You're not running away from life, Shinji, not this time."

"I'm not going to hurt you," Shinji grumbled, taking a deep breath. "But you are going to move. Now."

A terrible sensation coursed through Asuka. Something appalling approached… no. It was there now, standing alongside them, watching. The spear went through her eye, the monsters feasted, her arm was split in two, pain unlike anything anyone could hope to comprehend. She was mutilated and then at last, silence. A silence that lasted but a few precious moments, and just like then, she saw the white apparition.

The Second Angel was standing next to him.

She noticed Shinji focusing hard on something, both hands clenched, almost holding his breath as his face turned red. Next to him, Kyoko, then one of the MP Evas, then her mother's corpse morphed in a spectacle of white and gray flesh that protruded and shifted every few seconds. It began to assume the face of all those who had in any way wronged her while the sensation of melting away into primordial soup resurfaced. The visions turned exponentially more gruesome, from her mother's bloated face wearing its horrid smile and whispering, to the grin of each disfigured MP Eva that had eaten her alive, and ultimately to her own face, gaunt and pale, waiting for death.

Her arms lowered and crossed as Asuka lifted her chin and glared down at him. The pain from her last battle faintly spiked every few seconds, flowed from the arm to the midsection and the eye. Breathe in, breathe out. Let the pain flow through, don't fight it. Don't ignore it, don't run from it. Run towards it. The conclusion her research had revealed was correct. It did not actually hurt, this thing that Shinji did, this arrangement with the strange being. He looks like he's about to collapse, so this has to take a physical toll on him. Mama… Mama, help me bear it. Give me strength.

Flashes of Third Impact, the sensation of utter despondence as she lay in the bathtub, the joy of meeting her mother at last in Unit 02, the wrath of her final battle, the disappointment and depression of that living room, on the midst of the end of the world. Shinji's hands curled against her throat and lifted her off the ground without him moving an inch.

After what felt like an eternity, the figure underneath the horrifying personas began to be discernible. The neighbors screamed their horror above and below them, but she remained steadfast and immobile, blocking the path into the house. Lilith manifested at last. She was as small as Rei had been, white skinned and white haired, with her head bowed and the stresses obscuring most her face. Her gaze turned to Asuka.

Lilith stared, unblinking. Her eyes were weary, her expression sad and resigned, exhausted.

"Bet this idiot's been a real pain in the ass all these years, huh," she said to the apparition. Shinji's eyes widened, his jaw slackened in shock as he turned to look at Lilith and saw her nod with an almost desperate expression. Asuka acknowledged the plea. "Don't worry, back up is here. Leave it to us."

The angel smiled in relief, and just as quickly as the dreadful sensations had arrived, they disappeared along with Her. Shinji would have collapsed onto his knees and then the floor, but Asuka was quick to catch him mid-fall. His instincts reacted and he pulled himself upright whilst holding on her arm, eyes locked on her with her a dumbfounded expression on his features.

"H-How? How did you… did you see her?" he blurted out in disbelief. "How is this possible? Everybody else just… uh…"

"That's a very nice party trick, Baka. Too bad it doesn't work when your death was as gruesome as mine. See, after being impaled, drawn, and quartered, the touch of some red-eyed corpse is a bit of a relief," Asuka explained, and patted him on the shoulder. She let a few seconds go by, ensured he was standing properly and not in any sort of pain, and then slapped him across the face. "Don't ever do that again, am I clear?"

To his credit, Shinji barely reacted to the harmless assault on his cheek, he turned to gape at her in utter shock. "This isn't," he began to breathe erratically again, looked at his hands, at the floor, the ceiling and back at her when the words finally sunk in. "I… I'm sorry."

"I know," Asuka replied. Her hands encircled his nape, forehead pressed against his. "I forgive you. But seriously, never again."

"I'm sorry, I promise." His shaking hands drew close, hesitant to touch her after trying so hard to push her away. Asuka pulled him towards her, and for the first time since her ex-boyfriend had tried to destroy their hard work, Shinji's arms snaked around her completely. "I promise."

He was healthier now, stronger. God, finally. A proper hug, she thought, fighting to keep her composure for as long as possible. She rested on him, glad for the chance to show vulnerability again, and despite his injuries, he held her with equal fervor.

Asuka led them both to the living room while Shinji's damaged leg began to tremble. He sat by the table staring at its surface in disbelief, too shocked to even think about pills, escape or oblivion. He was alive, and now with the goal of health in sight, he had something to pursue. He understood his own anger towards her, the fear of death had sunk in, and the fear of something other than numbed misery had crept inside. What could be more terrifying than a normal, happy life?

"I need to go check on something, so the monkey's gonna take my place for a few minutes or so. I'll be right back," said Asuka, walking to the door. Once Shinji nodded, she stepped out into the evening air and collapsed against the wall as sobs wracked her body. She held her head, nails digging into her scalp, and tried not to hyperventilate from dread.

Toji came running from the hallway. "What the fuck was that just now?" he whispered in between pants. "Shinji okay in there?"

"Yeah," she muttered while tears trickled down and her body trembled without restraint. "He's okay, he'll be okay. I just… need a moment." A shaky hand pointed at the apartment. "Go do your job."

The former jock paused at the door. "Do you… need some help or something?"

"None of your fucking business, monkey," she replied, almost baring her teeth. "Just get in there and keep an eye on him."

"Fine, whatever. I'll bring you a glass of water in a couple of minutes." The entry hissed open and closed, leaving Asuka with a few minutes breathe at last. Many neighbors stepped out of their homes, eyes filled with fear and concern, but somehow quieted and returned inside once she raised a thumb to them. It felt good to know that instead being terrified of him, they were worried for the former pilot's safety.

Something told her that, even then, whatever Shinji had done to try and push her away had been restrained. A small victory, at long last. The idiot had accepted his own existence, and was in the process of forgiving himself.

She had been terrified from the very moment Shinji stood up, feeling as though a massive, monstrous predator was in search of her jugular. Death had loomed just beside her, and she had felt it caress her throat in anticipation. "D-Do not fear death so much…" she whispered in between sobs. "B-But rather… an inadequate life…"

The breakthrough they had achieved came with a heavy toll. Her defenses had cracked. Asuka felt the gaping pit of depression open and swallow her whole as she sat outside the apartment. The demon that constantly demanded her life as payment returned, the hound locked inside her chest cut loose, and much of her will crumbled to pieces. Her own voice whispered in the deep, told her it was all pointless, a useless effort that would end in horror once Shinji realized she had been behind Mari's death. It was all pointless; if health and stability was achieved, Shinji would leave her like everyone else.

No matter what, she would be alone in the end.

Dread, and utter resignation reigned supreme in her chest for the following hours. Synch rate zero, her mind mockingly recalled as dinner was served and Shinji did his best to initiate non-awkward conversation. It'll be all for nothing because of you, all of this. He'll die because of you. Useless. Worthless. Synch rate zero. Zero. Zero, Asuka.

The dream she had gotten so used to lately was absent that night. That night, she had nightmares. Horrible ones.

---

After two weeks of withdrawal, Shinji was granted his first functional, sober day in over two years.

The constant burning in his throat gradually faded away. It had begun as an endless thirst that deescalated to a nuisance, now quenched by a hot cup of tea or a piece of ginger. His skin stopped being on fire, his bones settled, and the brand on his arm ceased its permanent itch.

He felt alive and thus, terrible.

After twelve days of hell, his brain was finally achieving some level of chemical stability for the time being, which led him to comprehend that Asuka's health had been the cost of his initial recovery. After the tenth day, and the last scheduled immersion in LCL, she ran to the bathroom and vomited, blaming the curry chicken they had prepared the night before.

Her fingers shook while cleaning the wound on his back and leg, she nodded off at the table often, and slept very little if at all. Just as a newfound strength made Shinji's time in the wheelchair feel like a memory, Asuka's fortitude failed her.

It started with a cold the day after he realized his attachment to life. Nothing but a slight fever, a bit of sneezing and extra grumpiness escalated to her almost snarling at him for overextending during an exercise. Any questions on her well-being ended with a curt 'I'm fine', a flick of her hair and glaring, tired eyes. They went from bickering to barely speaking to each other in less than a day, and it finally sank in.

He had finally infected her with the misery that simmered in his being. Asuka was sick because of him.

Three days after their hug, she was already bedridden and barely able to keep up with his physical therapy, let alone exercise herself. The stomach and leg wound he could take care of well enough, but the back wound required either her or Toji's assistance. Shinji found himself speaking often to his larger friend, who not only reprimanded him for the stupidity of his theory, but also remarked that even somebody as strong as Asuka needed a shoulder to lean on as well.

Secluded in her room, Asuka steamed in sadness and was only willing to speak if it was about his feelings or memories, not hers. She barely touched her breakfast even though it was her favorite bread and omelet. Feels weird when she asks me if I'm okay, feels forced, Shinji mused as he watched her door and finished his breakfast. As it well should, she started locking herself in her room three nights ago, so I can assume she hasn't slept much, if at all.

Miso soup brewed next to the caramelized apples as he prepared the tray. Ice cream and pie had worked wonders days before, and with Asuka's cold now gone but her insomnia and gloom remaining, he only hoped the small detail eased her discomfort in the tiniest bit.

Congratulations, it finally happened, Shinji thought while cutting through the dough. You finally hurt her, the way you wanted to the day she arrived. Hurray, Shinji. Kampai. The voices were absent, he was yet to see either apparition in days. Nothing but the mutilated half of Gendo Ikari had manifested ever since Lilith had last been summoned, and even then, it had been fleeting, and elicited a random feverish laugh as the legs walked out the bathroom and into the closet.

Sobriety hurt; there was no other way he could describe it. The absence of ever-consuming anxiety was terrifying, and feeling his body strong, relaxed and free of a hangover or chemicals was so alien it was unsettling. At every turn Shinji expected his mind to twist reality, force him to sit inside the entry plug again and watch Rei explode, or end the world. For once, for hours on end and without narcotics, there was silence. Neither the shadow nor the brat had a thing to say.

Concern was beginning to engulf him. If well he knew Asuka had not thrown away the drugs, every available crevice of his apartment had been sifted through. In the lowest days of his desperation even her room had been scavenged in his mad dash, to no avail. If she had them, and she was depressed, then… Shut up, how dare you think like that, he reprimanded himself, placing the cake in the oven and limping over to the couch. It's not like she's gonna try and… no. Asuka's stronger than she's ever been. She's just sick. Because of me.

The glistening of the clock brought his attention to the seconds ticking away. The buds were firmly placed in his ears with music blasting away, and Asuka had the speaker at full volume, making the kitchen windows vibrate. Do something. Do something. Move. Move, move, or it'll have been for nothing, Do what she does, just open up. Doesn't have to be much, doesn't have to be important. It can be as little as you saying you learned a new cello piece. It can be anything.

He arranged her plate as elegantly as he knew how, decided to take out the special ice cream his boss had sent two days before, removed the earbuds, and marched over to her door. There was no answer after the first two knocks, and still nothing after four more solid ones. Oh no. Fearing the worst, Shinji grabbed the doorknob and almost tore the door off its hinges as he entered, only to find-

...Asuka reading a book while sitting in bed, glaring back at him.

"What, you don't knock?" She half-yelled through the music, which promptly stopped. The girl's dangerous gaze turned milder once it caught the plates on his hand. "…is that ice cream?"

"And apple pie, as well. Freshly made, caramelized apples with your favorite cider, with a bit of cinnamon and lemon peel." Shinji offered a hesitant smile and held up both plates as a peace offering. "Can I come in?"

"It's your house, you've made a point of saying that several times," Asuka responded sourly, but when he made no move to approach and the ice cream began to melt, she rolled her eyes and pointed to the spot next to her bed. "Ugh, come on in then, idiot."

The plate was almost snatched away from his grasp, making him chuckle, so Shinji took a seat on the ground and began nibbling on his serving. Asuka devoured hers in a heartbeat, glared down at the empty plate, at the kitchen, then back at him and rose to get herself more. Once a much larger piece of pie with twice as much ice cream rested on her lap, she began to eat in a more measured pace.

Waiting until he was sure at least half her food had been consumed, Shinji took a slow and cautious breath. Don't be vague, she hates that. Address the matter directly. Treat yourself like someone you're responsible for helping. "The… uhm…"

A single bloodshot eye glowered down at him. "The what?"

Come on, you freaking coward. Come on! "The… the first time I learned I could do that, I was in school. It was about a year after you left."

The same bloodshot eye now widened in wonder. "Learned to do what?"

"You know..." He played around with the melting remnants of his dessert, unwilling to look at her. "What happened on the balcony."

"Oh, that," she answered sourly, making him flinch. It still felt very much like they were fourteen, only the watch, and the letter in his pocket told him she did not hate him like she had then. "Well, I'm listening."

He smiled despite the ire rising off waves from the bed. Years of dealing with mentally unstable individuals had taught him to recognize false anger, so he saw through the girl's façade from the first moment. Asuka was afraid.

"These kids started ganging up on me after… after I beat up a guy. Turns out he had friends, and they cornered me when I was coming home from school. I tried to talk to them, like the idiot I am, and they all came at me," he began, and tried to enunciate every word clearly.

It felt important to let her know he was trying to incorporate her example and influence into his life. "When I was on the ground, I thought they were going to kill me," Shinji carried on. "They kept saying 'Third Child, Third Child, Third Child', and I felt something snap inside. I didn't want to hurt them, not really, I just wanted them to go away, and she spoke to me. She told me she could get them to leave, but only that one time."

"Only that one time, huh?" Asuka said, sarcasm dripping from her voice. Shinji noticed how hard she was trying to keep the mask on, how her voice trembled. "Guess that didn't last."

Shinji shook in head in derision, and offered the remnants of his ice cream to her as a second bargaining chip. "I tied her to me, somehow. It worked that one time, and ever since then, I haven't wanted to let go. It terrifies me." He took a deep breath, and willing tore down a piece of his armor. "Two years ago, standing in that arena after I beat Alex… nobody cheered. They were cheering when he was beating me into the floor, so loudly they were cheering." The side of his jaw began to throb in phantom pain as it relived the assassin's brutal strikes.

Without a word, the girl slid off bed, got herself a third serving of dessert and plopped back down on the bed. "I'm listening."

Heh, I know you are. It's… nice. "They were laughing, and betting, and drinking. When I won, though… after the killer they hired to fight me told me what really happened… after I sank his face into the ground and choked him out... silence." Shinji glared down at the floor. "It felt just like when I first piloted the Eva, and my father or Misato didn't much react until I did what they asked. I felt… completely alone. Forgotten. Worthless."

Synch rate Zero.

"What happened before that," Shinji continued after a few seconds. "When I killed those men. I knew who they were, I always know, unless they were born after Third Impact. It's all here," he tapped his skull twice, "and here," his right hand curled into his shirt.

The laughter reverberated not from the corner but within his mind, and no putrid corpse emerged from the ground. "They were horrible people, all of them, and all I did was try to survive, but… I see them. It's like they're still waiting for me at the corner, every day. 'Fun times with the Third Child'. One of them kept saying that over and over again, and I hear it."

"I've heard you mutter those words before, when you're asleep," Asuka recalled. He glanced at her, realizing how she had long since left the empty plate on the floor.

"Yeah, sorry about that," he said before she could reprimand him for apologizing. "I don't remember how I got there, you know. Got to that alley. I don't remember what happened that night. I was off partying, Hanayama-kun tried to have one of his guys escort me back, he really tried, but I was an ass and an idiot." He shifted his weight on the floor, happy to have Asuka's gaze on him. "Then somebody was hitting me in the back of the head. Everything went black. When I woke up, my hands were tied, and they were kicking me, trying to rip my clothes off. I found a piece of broken glass and… everything else happened."

After the last words were spoken, Shinji felt an incomprehensible weight lift off his shoulders. All he had ever done when spoken of that incident before was laugh it off. He closed his eyes, waiting for a snide remark, laughter, rejection, anything she had to offer. After all, he was just following her advice. Minutes trickled by and he heard Asuka shuffle in bed, silent.

Maybe it's best if I just wait it out outside, for now, Shinji reasoned. He was about to get up when Asuka took a deep breath.

"I've had zero motivation to do anything," she said at last. "Zero, no motivation to do a damn thing. No motivation to brush my teeth, to look after myself, to eat, to study, nothing. For so many years now, and even when I was growing up… it was false. Empty."

Oh. Well, he blinked in surprise. It worked! Let's not fuck this up, Ikari! "I'm listening."

Asuka chuckled, which brought Shinji a strange sense of joy and accomplishment. "Growing up… I felt a loneliness even when I was with other people, it just wouldn't go away. I was never as confident as I pretended to be. Lied to myself all the time, lied to the world. 'I'll never cry again, I'm the best pilot, I don't need anyone', all lies. I thought achieving my goal to be a great and famous Eva pilot would fix it, but when I did, all I remember thinking was… well I didn't expect to feel like this. What a load of crap."

"You mean when you arrived at Germany?" Shinji asked without thinking.

The golden-crimson mane danced as Asuka nodded. "I felt… emptiness. A deep gaping hole of nothing. Darkness everywhere, gray clouds. Everything was gray, tasteless. I felt like there was nothing to look forward to. I was worthless. Heh." She glared up at the ceiling. "I was in a position of power. I had glory, fame, achievements, money, a family. And they meant nothing. I was so certain that I was gonna die, that it was coming and that I deserved it."

"I think I can relate to that," Shinji cautiously remarked, daring a shy glance.

"You can, can't you?" Another chuckle, a longer one. "Yeah. I was so sure that I was gonna die that I didn't care. I pushed myself to the limit. In my studies, in my training, in my partying, everything. I finally had all I wanted, and it tasted like ashes and puke."

It felt good to feel alert and in touch with himself enough to be able to relate so fully to her. For a second, sobriety was not so painful. "You think these things will fill the void," Shinji said. "But all they do is make you sick."

"Exactly," Asuka conceded with a sigh. "After I tried to kill myself and started getting therapy… I got this invite to try for the scholarship in Thailand. I almost died during the tryouts but…" Shinji's ears treasured the sound of her letting loose an honest, heartfelt laugh. "But I remember thinking 'this is probably how the idiot feels every day, going to that stupid gym all hungover and fucked up'. I felt like I could relate to you in a way for once, and it made me smile. Hell, it made me laugh. It was the first time I remember laughing like that since before my mother died. I wanted more. I wanted to feel… healthy. Alive."

"Was this before or after you hired a goon to threaten my pill suppliers?"

Asuka chortled and gave him a playful push. "Before, dummy. So, after going through literal hell in a humid country, where every day and night feels like a sauna, and training six to eight hours a day with nothing but trees, monkeys and smiles all around, I guess you can say I learned a thing or two."

Pride swelled in his chest for some reason. "Yeah, anyone can tell from a mile away. You're different, but you're… Asuka. And Asuka is incredible. Always had been."

"Ah, shut up with the stupid compliments." Yet another shove, this one with a small smile. If he could have jumped from joy he would have, but that might have counted as a sudden movement.

Look at that, you made her smile. How about that, kid? Shinji said to the child, wrapping a much lighter chain around his neck. Gave you a chance off the leash, and you delivered. My congratulations. "Hey, I'm just worried," he admitted, scratching at his arm more out of custom than anything. "You've been… uhm… how do I put this…"

"Okay, I get it," Asuka interrupted with a third, more joyous push. "I've been sick, looking depressed, and looking like shit." She stretched and let out a loud groan. "You can blame that awesome little party trick for reminding me of how that depression felt again. Idiot."

"I'm sorry, ah! I mean it! I mean it. It's not the automated response," he spoke quickly, and raised both hands sheepishly. "I'm sorry. I feel horrible for hurting you like that. I promise it'll never happen again. How can I make it up?"

Asuka moved closer to the wall and hugged her knees close to her chest. "Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm… scared."

He smiled. Déjà vu. "I know," he repeated from memory. "I think I can help, you just have to let me. Will you let me try to help?"

Groaning in apparent defeat, Asuka patted the spot in mattress next to her. "Ugh, fine. Whatever, just hurry up and get in here already. I'm cold."

Whatever you think you'll tell me that scares you so much, Asuka, I think I already suspect. And I'm… trying to make peace with it, Shinji thought while dragging his healing body to bed and collapsing next to her. But whatever it is, it's not gonna be spoken of today. Today is about you. And about messing with you a little, as well.

He lay flat on the mattress while Asuka supported her weight on her arm and pretended to scowl at him. 'What?" she grumbled.

"Nothing." In a flash, Shinji's hand slapped away at her forearm and she fell on his chest, eliciting an involuntary hiss when the back wound flared. "I'm fine, I'm fine," he muttered, and pulled his arm around her. "Now, for the day's festivities."

Shinji rummaged through his pocket and extracted the letter, making Asuka's widen when she presented the envelope to her face. "You're… no. To hell with that. Not that letter."

Yeah, this letter, he thought back with a sense of triumph, not letting her escape the embrace. "Uhm, so... 'Dear Shinji.' Wow, you actually used the word 'dear'. Kudos on that."

"I hate you, I hate you so much. You and your apple pie."

Shinji laughed and nudged her, eliciting chortle from the former Second Child. "I know you do." She relaxed against him, breathing deep. "Now... 'Dear Shinji, I know this isn't the best way to be saying this, but can you believe I've written six drafts of this letter, already? I blame you entirely, by the way. Idiot. Jerk. Anyway, this is Asuka. Asuka Langley Soryu.'"

"God, I should've just jumped though the window when I had the chance…"

"'How dare you almost die like that? Did you have any thought or consideration of how that would affect me? You're so selfish!' Wow, your kanji really improved here. Ahem, 'What the hell were you thinking…'"

Later that day, as he untangled the knots in her tresses and she slept curled up against him, Shinji caught glimpse of his cracked phone. In it, several new notifications coming from the one contact he never wanted to see awaited at the inbox. It seemed like the bastard had been sending those repeatedly during the day he sent the pictures, growing increasingly annoyed at the lack of any reply whatsoever.

'What? You're not gonna answer? Coward.'

'Tell me when and where, Ikari. I'll fight you and beat you.'

'You pick the place, the rules and the how. It can be the streets, or the ring.'

'Coward. Pick up your phone and say something. Don't you mind everything I did with her?'

The thread ended with one well enunciated response. Shinji let a calm smile draw over his lips, satisfied that being sober allowed him to savor the moment all the more. He ran his thumb across the cut under Asuka's lip. The answer was simple. Nothing but a few sentences that made him endlessly excited to resume training stared back from the cracked screen. It had been Asuka who had typed the words and silenced the poor bastard. Who else?

'Eight months from today. Japan, a large venue. Charity event for the victims of Third Impact. Rules?'

Shinji's smile widened and turned predatory.

'Lethwei.'

---

Toji stared at his cellphone in boredom, going through random pictures Kensuke considered funny and sent him constantly.

He had been requested to guard the door by the Crimson Bitch, who was apparently nursing a bad cold, so he guarded the stupid door. Things had been quiet lately, his conversations with Shinji had begun to circle and drone on the same subjects, yet that day the phone had been silent aside from the Second's messages. Kaji had made himself accountable for once and informed him some visitors were likely to arrive at the apartment building, so he stood there and waited for anything to cure his boredom.

He heard footsteps approaching and turned. The cellphone almost dropped from his hand.

"H-Hikari?"

The former class representative gave him a sheepish smile, signaling to the young girl standing next to her. 'Hi, Toji! It's… it's great to finally see you! Sorry to come in unannounced like this, I just thought I'd check on Shinji, too, seeing how he's doing so well."

It took several seconds for him to recover from the shock, and even then he was too dumbfounded to function properly. "Uh, right," he mumbled, and pointed to the redhead wearing a school uniform. "And you're supposed to be… who, exactly?"

"Hi!" the girl answered with a smile, and bowed. "My name is Ashley." He instantly noticed a heavy, foreign accent. "Mr. Ikari saved my life."

To Be Continued…

---

First of all, I'd love to express my love and appreciation for MisterHalt, Su_Exodus, Pilot_Fair, Bwanagator, Richitzer and CaffeineJimmy for their help and insight! Thank you so much, you legends!

Inspirational Music: Medicine Ball, Phenomenal, Guilty Conscience – Eminem; The Clairvoyant, The Evil That Men Do, Senjutsu (album) – Iron Maiden, Shine Down, I Blame You, Generation Day, Life is Good, Good Day to Die – Godsmack; Better Man, Welcome Home, Alcohaulin' Ass – HELLYEAH; Taste Of My Scythe, Hate me!, We're Not Gonna Fall – Children of Bodom; Broke, Beat and Scarred, Some Kind of Monster, All Nightmare Long, Don't Thread on Me, The God That Failed – Metallica; You Are So Beautiful – Joe Cocker.

Lethwei: Burmese bare-knuckle kickboxing. Headbutts are allowed. Yeah, you read that correctly. Lovely thing about Lethwei is that if you get knocked the fuck out in a fight, your corner has two to five minutes to 'bring you back to life', just so you can go and get knocked the fuck out again! Do give it a search. Fun times.

AN: Okay, so! I'm sorry if this sucked ass! I hope it didn't, I truly do, and I hope I didn't make you waste your time! So, wanted to plant some seeds for future scenes that will be developed in future chappies. Tried to deliver some nice sweet shit, hopefully well deserved, and tried to focus on the more… positive events in withdrawal rather than the negatives. I got like… a few chapters to go lol so yeah. Getting sober for a few weeks is not the issue, staying sober is the real challenge. And boy, with certain… secrets not yet discussed… well. Some dark clouds still left to sail through, to say the least.

Uhm, also tried to somehow illustrate the fucking roller coaster that is withdrawal. Ups and downs, constantly. This with a somehow… willing patient like Shinji. Well, he's willing right now. Next is Paul Skit! So a lil bit of elaboration on scenes that are requested in the days that are left for interpretation! What would you like to see? Let me know! After that comes… Stay Wide Awake. Yeah. As stated, dark clouds and stuff.

Anyways, above all things I hope that you keep healthy, eat your veggies and remember to treat yourself kindly and learn to love and forgive yourself! It's a slow, laborious process, but it pays off! As always, any thoughts, comments and feedback are more than appreciated! Please remember to review! Much love to you all!

PEACE.