Chapter Eleven: The Loss of Ignorance
"Shouldn't we just share a room?" Alina asked as she raised from the satin sheets of her bed, watching Aleksander dress back into his black trousers. His hair was a mess. Bedhead. "It would make things easier if you didn't have to sneak off every morning like it was a secret."
Her lips pouted out. With that and the pregnancy…it felt like it was a secret. A big nasty secret.
"Are you certain you want that?"
The curtains were flicked open with the sharpest snap of his shadows. A hazy light glowed just beyond the horizon. Orange and pink spilled into the dark sky.
"Why wouldn't I?" Her brows knitted together. "Am I to remain separate after the baby is born? Will it always know that it's parents don't sleep together? Will it be like we aren't even a couple?"
Aleksander snarled lightly. His eyes ferocious with power, but when he saw the glimmer in her eyes, it softened his own. He crawled across the bed on hands and knees to hover above her, eyes still in want of her as they had the night before.
She kept her eyes locked on the image outside her bedroom window. Bright warm light slipping through darkness, as she had done to Alek. His coolness tampered in her warmth. The release of control, the drowning glory that came from meeting their opposite.
He nipped at her cheek gently. She yelped in surprise.
"I love you, Alina. Nothing matters more than your happiness," he revealed. "Except, maybe your honor."
Her forehead wrinkled. "My honor?"
"If we shared a room, unwed, imagine what would be said about you."
She rose to her elbows. It brought their faces all the closer. His nose brushed against hers as she stared deep into those pools of darkness she loved to swim in.
"Let them say it."
"I'd have to kill them if they did." His lips kissed a line down her jaw. Their gentle caress, a vivid memory to the night before as he took her soft and gentle, so slow that it dragged on for an hour, the soft thrum of his heart against hers as they melded into one solid being, light and dark. Over and over, the ripple of his power inside her, filling her up with all there was to be given from a man, and her doing all in her power to remind him of why she was his.
She smiled. "Then what's the problem?"
"Ravka is fairly large," he smiled against her flesh. "It'd take a while."
It would have been cute to be able to say 'I have eternity. I can wait.' But they both knew it to be a lie.
There was no time. Already, they ran on borrowed time.
Instead, she allowed herself to exhale. "Then there is an alternative that will speed things up."
"What's that, lapushka?"
"Marry me."
The kisses stopped. His breath ceased.
"It solves all our problems, doesn't it?" She further added to the dense silence that now laid atop them. "We'll be above reproach. Free to carry on as we do now, only where they will know."
Aleksander lifted his head and met her gaze. A startling hesitation within them.
"I don't know," was all he said before he climbed back out of the bed. The sleeves of his shirt slipped over his shoulder as he eased into the dark fabric.
"If it eases things for us, why not? We have eternity, don't we? What does it matter?"
He shook his head. "We can't think about this now, Alina. I have to meet with the King and his son to discuss the upcoming journey across the Fold. I have to weave a tale of importance if I am to leave Little Palace in charge of another. It won't be easy. I must focus."
It was a mad rush for him to get out the door. A quick kiss on her cheek and a promise to see her later.
Alina did not know what to make of it.
Marriage was a mortal significance. Eternity was what they had, together. A simple marriage would be nothing compared to the eons they'd have bonded together.
She started to rise, slowly and gently from a worn bed. The night before they'd been trapped in the throes of passion for what felt like hours. The inner stretch of her thighs was sore. Too long spent spread eagle below her sovereign.
It took only a few short moments of gentle stirring for the swarm of servants and Genya to enter the room, ready to prepare her for the day, surely done at the request of the General.
"Good morning, Alina. You look refreshed. Had a good nights sleep, I trust."
The redhead said it as subtle as possible. No one commented the frequency of the General to her chambers, late night, not to be disturbed. As a close confidant of the General herself, Genya was privy to such knowledge.
Her ears listened intently when Alina spoke of her interactions. The General often a topic that Genya touched.
She had Alina displayed at a vanity mirror lost in the flat strands of dark hair. Her fingers twisted and pinned. Many small metal pins between her pink lips as she worked.
"Genya, how come you never ask why the General is always with me?"
The woman slowed. Her face drooped in the mirror before she turned to face Alina.
"Well," her voice turned sweet, "you are his protégée. He takes your training very seriously."
"Late at night?" Alina arched her brow.
Genya's smile faltered, a split second in the calm serene. "Alina."
"I'm carrying his child," she said. It just blurted out in sudden urge to establish herself at his side. If there were more Grisha like Zoya in Little Palace, she wanted them to know of their permanent demotion since the man seemed hesitant to marry her. "We're in love."
The news washed across Genya's face in total shock and then joy. A splintering smile of white teeth showed within that expressive mouth.
Her hands grabbed Alina's hands. "Oh, Alina. That's incredible. How long? How long have you known?"
Concern warped her features with those fallen curled brows.
"The night of the Winter Fete," she admitted softly. "The baby will come September."
Another wave of shock. "S-so soon."
The question of the Fold was next on her lips. Or mind. Both. It would be on everyone's once the truth was impossible to hide. A sun saint was needed to save their country. How did a child impact that? Alina hardly understood the depths it would require of her.
"That's why I have to go. To the Sea. There is a creature that will grant me more power. I'll be strong enough to destroy the Fold then," she muttered. "Strong enough to end it all."
"The Sea?" Genya repeated in disbelief. "To hunt a sea creature? Pregnant?"
"I'm not weak. I can survive."
"But the risk -."
"The risk of the country is greater. The risk to us all. The risk to Little Palace…"
The Tailor paused. Her tongue perched behind her teeth.
Alina dared her to cross the line that she wanted to. To trap her to the safety of the Palace walls in hiding rather than fighting for the world, for all they held dear.
She was the one who spoke of Alina's importance as sun summoner, savior of the realm and all within it. It was implicit that Alina's life was forfeit to serve a greater good. Now, it was in her best interest to save herself at the risk of her child? A human host to be used as it saw fit before she was sent to her death to atone for a country's mistake.
"I only wonder if the General will condone the risk to your safety in search of a creature. Is it guaranteed to work?" Genya offered.
Alina held firm to her stare. "The General's main concern is always my safety. That's why he'll accompany me to the Sea. Nothing will harm me with him there."
"That is too much trust in one man whose entire life will be placed in danger's way," the woman explained. Her voice was firm with resolve. "His calm reserve will be erratic the moment you're thrown into something he cannot save you from."
Alina turned back to the mirror. Her eyes hardened in reflection.
"Then I'll just have to save myself."
The Tailor proceeded quietly. The preparations to Alina's appearance were done and Genya, at last, gave the orders of what Alina was to do with her time. Her instructions were to proceed to training. Mental training.
The hunt for Alexander's past was not inside the library. Should she need more information, she knew of a woman locked in the cellars who might be tempted in the spilling of secrets.
The one that still plagued her thoughts was enough for now.
A sun summoner needed more. More training than just research. History. She needed hands-on work.
Botkin was one of the instructors for Little Palace. He trained Grisha to use their powers, how to summon their strengths and physically use them to combat an enemy. He also trained outside of magic. His students were taught to fight without the use of the abilities. Hand to hand.
General Kirigan had denied her training upon return to Little Palace. The concern over her health being far more concerning than her abilities.
But now. She was strong. Anger, solidified.
Alina stepped hard against the ground. So much so that it vibrated around her. The Palace walls quivered. Her palpable frustration laced in everything she touched. Hot, burning light at the back of her throat, her eyes, her palms. Everything yearned to burn.
The General was tied up. The other most trusted soldiers around him as they discussed business. The trip to sea was something they had to riddle out, as well as other things, like how to afford the trip, what to do in his absence. Staff for the trip had to be decided, too. There were Grisha that would accompany them on the trip cross the Fold, to the Sea, and back again.
It was time to train now. For real. And if he would not entertain the idea of enhancing her skills under the fear of her safety, she knew a man who was well versed in all means of weapons that would be glad to help.
The confident, handsome face of the prince awaited outside the Grand Palace doors. A sword hanged at his hip. The same large sword that was in the pub that night.
"I hear you're in search of a distraction." His lips smirked.
Alina stepped forward. Her shoulders clicked in their height. "Naturally I sought the best."
He laughed. "I'll take it as a compliment." They crossed a thick set of encased doors beyond which sat a room stocked to the ceiling in weapons. "Take your pick."
"Actually," she said, "take yours."
A playful pull of his brow toyed at the height of his face. Had she been in the mood to be amused, she might have smiled.
"I am to attack the beloved sun summoner?" He questioned as his hand ran along many items in the armory. Each was as deadly as the last.
"I promise not to kill you," she replied flatly. It was the best attempt she had.
The swing in her mood from comfort of Aleksander's arms, to embarrassment at his rejection, to joy of Genya's company and the thrill of her news, down to withdrawn. It only fueled a burning fire. Questions unanswered. Anger, still buried within. The thought of being hidden away from the world despite the fact they all worshipped her as some goddess.
No. She was a goddess.
And the subjects below her guarded her. Her? The manner of her making was set with glittered gold to their soil and grit. Eyes compromised of fire and starlight. Burning heat twisted along her very bones.
It was they who were weak. Not her.
Nikolai grabbed a collection of items in his arms. A couple different swords, throwing axes, a few snub nose revolvers. She eyed them closely as they exited the building.
The trust in her power waned when she considered the fact she'd never been tested under the dire consequences of those mortal weapons.
"Do you have a Healer here?" Her anxieties rumbled through her lips.
"You won't find Grisha here," Nikolai revealed. "But we have the best medics Ravka has to offer."
Human medics for a Grisha. They were effective, yes. They worked in combat, in the battles against Shu Han and Fjerda. They might possess the skills to keep her living long enough to find a real Healer.
Prince Nikolai led them to an outdoor courtyard. It swept off a hill. The drop below its edge a steep one. Not a healthy tumble, by any means.
It overlooked the beautiful stretching lawns in their dormant phase. The sun glared down at the frosty white in whatever power it could to warm the frozen lands.
Little Palace laid off to their right. The distance was not too far. The glare of the windows was still visible under the late morning light.
A rapid snapping sounded throughout the air. Nikolai ran his fingers down the center of his chest. The thick protective vest thrown off to the side.
Alina watched him with confusion. A Grisha against a human was not a fair fight. He deserved protection.
"Impress me." His coy lips danced their way around his words. "Show me all what that General teaches at Little Palace and I'll reconsider the protective garments."
She furrowed her brow. "You think standing against a sun summoner in flammable clothes in the right choice?"
A deviant glint touched the corner of his eye as a sword was drawn from a sheath.
"Test me at your earliest convenience."
Alina took his baiting. She positioned herself in a stance.
He lunged forward with the blade. It was slow, on purpose. She avoided the advance without the use of her powers.
Nikolai laughed. "Fine then, Miss Starkov. Let's duel for real."
"Ready to be embarrassed for real?" She asked coyly.
"Oh-ho. Look who's got their claws out now," he countered.
They stepped in a circle around the courtyard. Both locked eyes with the opponent in front of them. Ready and primed, her body surged with eagerness.
She stepped forward first. Her powers sourced together as she'd done to summon her first ball of light and pushed them at him. The blade sliced through the powers, at a slowed rate, but managed to rupture it before it landed.
Alina stepped back. It was just as she thought. She wasn't strong enough. Her powers were weak. She was weak.
"Don't." The blade lowered. "Don't let that feeling go. You need to control it. Push it all out into the light."
She tapped the tips of her fingers together. Her disappointment must have showed.
"You are strong, Miss Starkov. Don't doubt that," he said. "Refine that mental reserve. Keep that power, that anger, that want on tap, to use when you need."
"What do you know of Grisha power?" She said, all too cold.
His knees locked. "I know drive. That is what defines a good soldier from a dead one. I know what it takes to surpass those limits, Grisha or human. Our minds are the same. It is our minds that win battles. Not our strengths. Use your mind."
Alina's jaw set.
Sun summoner being commanded by a human? She didn't think so.
A giant cascade of light erupted from each of her fingers centered upon him. Those lights turned to sharp coy arrows. One scraped the surface of his arm as he narrowly avoided the attack.
The line cut through the top layer of flesh. The sparkle of her power still reminiscent on the wound.
"That's more like it." His voice roared. "Again, Alina. Do it again."
Her hands dropped Face drawn more to upset.
"Nikolai I -."
"That was good, Sunshine. Very good. A little damage is worth it to watch the sun summoner work. Is that all you can do?"
Suddenly she was out of breath. "I've never done that before."
"Alright. Good. We're learning." His head bobbed in satisfaction. "Let's see if we can't get under that skin a little more."
She had reservations at that. A verbal joust only fueled fires that would invoke physical reaction. The damage only one thing had caused a glistening wound through his body.
But. It was something. A new skill, a capability that even Aleksander didn't know she could do.
"You might want to put on your vest." She grinned.
It was answered with a beaming smile. "Burn me again and I'll consider it."
Aleksander breathed in the air of pure dust and filth. His nose wrinkled. The foulness of Earthen rot around him as he delved deeper into darkness below the Palace.
The crunch under his feet echoed through the pathways long forgotten by those who occupied the building before the current Ravkan king claimed Os Alto as his winter place.
Tendrils of his darkness stretched before him. Each step levitated by their cushion. Their spread splayed against the walls in delight. The slightest surges of light through were blocked and suffocated under their power.
Thick iron bars laid at the end of his journey. A single candle orb through the inky black pools that leeched out of containment.
The frail woman did not move as he whipped the candle to naught but a line of smoke.
"Son," a voice called through. It gripped the base of his spine.
All too sudden his mind went back to days as a young kid as he watched a woman mutter into corners at shuddering shadows, the sounds of darkness through his ears as the depths of cursed saints laid within.
"Baghra," he replied.
"Have you come to release me from this infernal prison you've put me in?"
It was a prison of her own making the night she sent Alina away to be ravaged by Shu Han invaders or Fjerdian assasains, or killed by the onset of Ravkan winter.
She knew. Somehow, she knew the attachment he felt with Alina Starkov. And she manipulated it to sour in distrust.
Distrust that she benefited from. Distrust laced within her sticky claws. The infernal darkness that she became.
He sniffed in distaste. "Zoya reported some books in your cell that weren't here the last time." The woman remained a blank slate. "Who gave them to you?"
The abandoned cellar turned to eerie silence. A thickening tension at the back of Aleksander's throat as he waited.
Baghra was dangerous. Her darkness was an ilk on the entire palace. They all felt it grow and spread.
Had he the heart to turn his mother loose on the world, he would. Let the world be her playground of blackness until she met her end at a villager's stake or First Army mission.
The threat of her outside those walls would shield her activities from his knowledge. The safety of Alina would be compromised every waking minute if the woman was allowed to roam. It was the light that he sought all his life for only to have been born inside the mind of a beautiful woman that was his equal. He was gifted with the curse of shadows only to know the love of the light.
Baghra's blackness was caged by his own. It was the only way he knew that she wouldn't use those black pools to swallow up all the warmth left in Alina.
"Baghra," he said firmly through his teeth, "Tell me who you've convinced to do your bidding and I won't have them thrown from this palace when I catch them myself."
He knew that she would only pick the most loyal followed to entrust with her plans. They would not turn on the woman willingly. Not with her shadows latched within their mind.
"How have you been, moi tsarevich? You look tired around the eyes." Her small hands outreached to the iron bars of her cell. "You work so hard for such a young man. You outwork men twice your age."
The body was a younger man did not match the withstanding mind of centuries.
"Answer the question."
"Your shadows are looking healthy, too. Stronger." The strength of her darkness reached out to his. The touch of their shadows together brought a sickness to his guts. He gathered the reach of his powers back inside. "Why, they've grown so wild since I've seen you last. Almost like they have a mind of their own."
His blood turned cold. The trickling of fear in his mind as he thought of the whispers. Shadows now toyed at his ears in their constant barrage. The worst thoughts he'd ever thought gave birth through their forked tongues.
"The books, Madraya. Where did you get the books?"
He grasped the bar. It clattered against the latches that held it in place in the stone.
The woman levitated to her feet with a push of her shadows. They moved like withheld beasts at the back of her ankles as she moved.
The beady eyes of pure shadow glared straight into his. "A young woman gave them to me in exchange for information."
"What information?"
"About you, of course, moi tsarevich. About you."
His hand released the bar. "Sowing discourse within my ranks?"
"Never. I don't support those who are against you. I've always known you were meant for greatness. From the time you were a little child, so afraid of your powers, you were stronger than any before you."
One brow raised in disbelief. Aleksander never remembered the old days as she did.
She did nothing but make him fearsome of what he was, what was possible. She reaped the rewards of her own hard work when it came to his rage as a young man. It was years in the making. Her making.
He gritted his teeth. "What kind of information were they looking for?"
"They wondered," her fingers fluttered through her cool blackness, "why you created the Fold."
"Lies," he said. "Everyone knows the story. They know why it was created."
"Ah, ah." That old slim finger wagged. "Not the whole story."
A shard of ice stabbed between his ribs. He felt the creeping calm of cold all throughout him.
Suddenly, he knew. He knew what she had done.
"Who," he demanded.
Sweat beaded at the back of his neck. It trickled, turning frigid, as it descended below. It dripped through the fibers of his clothes to the protected flesh below until it reached the fragile warmth.
All sensations left his body. "Who did you tell?"
The woman gave a silent smile. "I think you know."
The tug of their bond interrupted the training a few times. Alina forced a hardened wall between them. She had to focus. Nikolai's agile feet and quick tongue required constant attention, much too his pleasure as his ego inflated at each moment of inflated stare.
In this hand were two throwing axes. Their blades glinted in the hot glare of the sun. It poured down over them. Nikolai down to a thin poet's shirt while Alina was trapped, still, within the thick kefta of black fabric.
She pulled at the collar over and over. Sweat dripped down from her forehead in a welcome relief.
"You might feel comfort Miss Sunshine," he teased, "if you shred yourself of your clothes." That devious glint in his eye had only grown. "I promise to not tell your Darkling of your state of undress."
The temptation to remove the dense jacket from her shoulders was there. It weighed heavy on her mind.
Aleksander's words of warning still echoed in her mind. The knowledge of her pregnancy was to be kept only to those in Little Palace. Anyone outside of Grisha ranks could not be trusted.
Perhaps she was an idiot to believe that Nikolai would not harm her, yet she felt him a closer ally than enemy. She trusted his disposition to not betray hers.
One of his hands released a thin ax from his fingers, then another. Both flew through the air with power. The air rippled around them as they lurched at the sun summoner with nothing but empty palms to defend herself.
Each palm raised, as if to catch the thrown blades.
Alina focused on the axes themselves. Her mind summoned a ball of absolute light around their moving metal. Encapsulated in her light, the axes became under her control.
She used her powers to force the blades back. Away from her. They clattered against the ground behind Nikolai's back.
His hands clapped slowly. "You missed."
She furrowed her brow. "You only threw two."
"You missed me," he said with a grin. "I thought I made you angry with that advance."
"As if your attraction to me could anger me," she snickered. "I know a Prince who likes to talk like he's an experienced bedroom partner, yet he uses all his time to drink in pubs and obsess about a rival man."
"Oh-ho! Rival? You compare me to the Darkling?"
"You're quite similar when you overlook the fact you were born a prince," she said with a grin that matched his previous one.
"How dare you? I am twice as charming and at least three times as handsome."
Her daring stance only said what she yearned.
The prince grabbed hold of the sword at his side. "Very well, Sunshine. Have it your way."
They dueled. Nikolai's sword against her light. The strength of her power blew him off his feet more than once.
He took it in stride and climbed back on foot to continue. He moved swiftly. His energy to counter her attacks as she spun on foot to avoid them had her mind spinning.
Aleksander tugged on their bond once more. With urgency.
It pulled her focus from Nikolai's offense to shield herself from Aleksander's probe. She successfully evaded Alek but was left defenseless to Nikolai's sword. She jumped out of the way of his blade, narrowly avoiding its sharp steel, and lost her balance.
Alina's butt bounced against the hard stone of the courtyard with a wince. Pain ruptured up from her tailbone.
"Shame, that." Nikolai offered down a hand to her. She begrudgingly took it. "It's too lovely an asset to have smashed against the ground like that."
Her face blistered with a blush. A hand swatted his arm away.
"Beznako."
He chuckled. Blonde hair touched the edge of his shirt collar as he beheld the sun above their heads.
"What do you say? Call it a day?"
Alina pursed her lips but nodded, albeit with resistance. "Alright."
"You've made excellent progress."
She nodded. It was much better than before. And not once had she made a mistake that jeopardized the safety of her child.
Of course, there was no avenue that was without risk. Not for her.
The child that grew within her loins was bounded to be hunted for their blood. Their father was infinite in his wisdom, age, power, and darkness. She, the savior of the country, soon to be stronger. It would be her that restored home back within their borders and hopefully end the blight for many ravaged by this calamity.
Their baby would only know a life of coveted possession and importance.
So important that their own safety would have to be secured every waking moment.
Nikolai slung his weapons sheaths over his shoulder as he reentered the Palace walls, back to the armory. "Saints, I'm in need of a pint. What say you to a cool glass of mead and the company of a man too far below the league of a sun summoner."
As fun as that sounded, her body craved food. It was the most she'd trained in a long while. She was tired.
She smiled as she politely declined.
"That Darkling certainly keeps you on a leash," he commented.
"He cares for me," she clarified stiffly.
"And you? Do you care for him?"
"Yes," she breathed. "I do."
The blonde prince appraised her gently as his pace slowed. "Tamar thought so, but I didn't believe it."
"It's true. We're…together. In a way." She winced as the words sounded through the atmosphere. "It's complicated, but he's very protective over me, and I, over him. That's something, I suppose."
"It isn't just his power over you that's convinced you of this?"
Her brows furrowed. "I don't like what you insinuate, Prince Nikolai. The General has been nothing but supportive of my independence."
"You did flee the Winter Fete."
"Out of concern for their safety, not because of him."
The lie came so naturally now. It was as if she convinced herself it was true, other than what truly happened.
Nikolai forced his shoulders low, though there was still lingering suspicion. "Alright, Miss Starkov. I believe you."
"Please don't not question my loyalty to him, because you will lose. I am the sun saint of Ravka, that may be true, but my one true loyalty is to all of the Grisha, and to General Kirigan." Her feet stepped toward the reenforced doors of the armory. The cold metal stole warmth from her fingertips with bitterness. "A great shadow has fallen over Ravka, Nikolai. If you are to help me end it, a great many things must change. Including our long-held beliefs about what is right."
The bitterness of the winter did not sting her so as she entered the brisk breeze. It blew through her sweaty hair and the close collar of her kefta that was once drenched in sweat, now solid and icy.
She traveled the length of the Palace gardens until she reached the edge of the estate of Little Palace.
It was odd that there was no obstruction on her path to enter the walls. No one stood guard. No one approached. There was no one in sight. Even as she entered into the inner walls of the palace, the place was empty.
The bond had been used to contact her. Aleksander was in search of her, and she hadn't told a soul where she went.
Perhaps, something happened. Was there another attack?
Her footsteps sped to her chambers. The lack of bodies within the halls only read to her as danger.
Not even Ivan breeched her path. Ivan, her appointed protector in Aleksander's absence.
Her breath fell short as she entered her own bedchamber and met eyes with a whiteness through stretched black shadows.
"Alek." The beating of her heart slowed as she surveyed him. He was not hurt. "Has something happened? Where has everyone gone?"
He reached for a short glass. It glinted in the miniscule light from beneath the door.
"I gave them all the night off." It was gruff as it escaped his lips.
She crossed her arms together. Something, again, was dark in his shadows. Deeper and darker than normal.
"Is everything alright?" She was hesitant as she stepped forward.
The bond was secured tightly closed. She could not breech the solid wall of shadow between them.
Her eyes turned to him in question.
"Where did you go today?" He questioned stiffly. "And what did you do?"
Alina felt distrust carry through the words he chose. He searched for something. A reason, she assumed, to catch her in a lie.
Her arms cinched together to her body. "The Grand Palace. To train."
The glass left his lips. It was set atop her desk.
"With whom?"
Don't lie. "Prince Nikolai."
He gritted his teeth so hard the tension of the tendons in his jaw near snapped at the force it took to speak through them. "Why?"
"Because you don't let me train! You don't let me do anything but read books," she accused.
"You're safest in these walls."
"Safe?" She scowled. "There is no such place as safe for me. All there is is the world. A world who needs me to be ready to fight."
"I've made it impossible for a person to rupture through our ranks. Little Palace is protected. Under my control." he said. "You are safest here. Training here. With people I know, I trust. You trust too much of your prince to see the danger."
"He's not a danger."
"You are much too precious to trust to anyone. Even myself." He climbed to his feet. The space between them remained a clear void.
She had to pull her eyes away. They welled with tears. That dire need, the total confidence that it was possible, in his power, to ensure she would not be harmed, could not be harmed.
Her sadness filled her body as it ruptured through crafted barriers of denial.
Luda. She was the reason. The reason for everything. The only reason why Alina mattered.
She ran her fingertips along the bottom edge of her eyes. "I'll never be strong enough for you, will I?"
Aleksander shifted. "What are you talking about?"
She spun on toe. "Luda. That's who I'm talking about." Her finger pointed at him. "You lost the girl you loved and I'm to pay for her mistakes."
"Her mistakes?"
The betrayal on his tongue spoke volumes. It twisted and coiled in protection.
"You don't know what you're talking about," he declared.
That feeling sparked alive once more. The feeling that Prince Nikolai said was her fuel. She felt it flood to her palms in roaring need.
"Luda's only mistake was trusting me when I wasn't strong enough," he continued. "I won't be caught that weak again. Not with you. Not with anyone. I'll stay stronger than any before just to make sure a Grisha like her doesn't die in vain."
Alina shook away her tears, though they kept their steady downpour down her cheeks.
"I am not her."
"I am aware," he hissed.
She narrowed her eyes. "I am not Luda. I am not weak. And I will not remain inside these stupid walls while you protect me!"
"I built these stupid walls to protect our kind."
"And your stupid walls are the only evidence that you've done a thing since Luda's death that wasn't wallowing in self-pity," she cried. "You don't even love me, do you? You just see Luda. You see a change to do it right, keep me alive. You see light. Because you don't want to be cold, dark and alone."
Aleksander blinked. His face wiped clean of emotion as the shock set through him.
"Alina - ."
"You loved someone, Alek. She's the reason you made the Fold. She's the reason you are everything that you are now." Her voice came out a whimper. She clutched her mouth. "And you still won't tell me the truth."
"I wasn't ready," he answered softly.
"Ready?" She shrieked. "You weren't ready? Look at me! Look at my body. Do you think I'm ready to be a mother? Do I look ready to save an entire country? Do you think I was ready for any of this?"
Tears slid down her cheeks. Her body felt weak. Weak from energy spent shielding herself from his past, the pending future, the growth of their child, the impending doom of their entire world.
She fell to the foot of her bed. Arms limp against her thighs as she sat there. Eyes glittered with tears as she observed Aleksander as the dark wraith in the middle of her room.
Each beat of her heart felt heavier and heavier.
"I don't want to lose you," he breathed.
Her cheeks were wet with tears. Their reddened streams cut through the pale of her skin.
"You cannot have me if you cannot let her go, Alek."
His silence the only answer.
Alina knew what it meant. She pulled the black kefta from her tired shoulders and tossed it to the floor between them. "I'm going to bed."