It had taken him a while to work up the courage. Every time he'd talked to Marilyn about a driver's license, it had turned into a heated argument and he always walked away feeling awful. Would the Andersons react the same way? Would they also not want him to have the freedom to leave their sight after just getting him back?

But after hearing the boys at his lunch table talk about their driver's ed course that would be starting in a few weeks, he couldn't hold back any longer.

"Can I get my learner's permit?" he asked one night at dinner. He hadn't been paying attention to the conversation around him, simply building up the courage to say the words. Once they were out in the open, he had no control, and he waited for the simple no.

"Oh, I hadn't even thought about that," Pam said. She sounded surprised, but not angry.

"No, we hadn't, but it's a good idea," James quickly supplied.

"Really?" He grinned.

"We'll have to figure out what to do about driver's ed. Cooper, do you remember where you took your classes?" Pam asked.

Cooper scrunched his brow. "Not really. I think it was taught by cops? Yeah, I remember the one guy telling us that if we were going to speed we should only do it at the beginning of the month because by the end of the month they're all working to meet their ticket quotas."

Pam rolled her eyes while James chuckled and said, "Coop, I don't think that's the lesson you were supposed to remember. Maybe just don't share any of your tips with your brother, considering you haven't had a car of your own to drive since the one you wrecked in college."

"I thought we weren't going to talk about that again!"

He was enrolled in the same driver's ed course that the sophomores at his lunch table had been chatting about. It was held after school at Dalton twice a week for six weeks. Dalton after hours was much less confusing than during the day. It didn't seem like the same surreal world where boys in blazers and ties could speak about both complex physics and internet videos of people injuring themselves in the course of one conversation.

After school, many boys shed layers from their uniforms or changed out of them all together. Teachers didn't feel the need to enforce the "no running in the hallways" rule, and one could pull out a bag of chips and eat it in the classroom without getting a glare from a teacher.

It was such a different environment, in fact, that he'd even opened up to the other students more. The day after the first class, he'd confidently walked over the lunch table and sat next to Trent, one of the sophomores, well before Jeff, his lab partner, had arrived. He'd never felt comfortable enough around the other boys to do that before.

That comfort was never shattered. Trent didn't try to ask why he, a 16-year-old junior, was in driver's ed with all the 15-year-old kids. Trent just nodded at him and asked if he was actually going to do the reading for the class.

It was a beautiful day. He could almost smell the coming autumn in the air. The sky above was a perfect shade of blue and there wasn't a cloud in sight. So, naturally, he and James were sitting in uncomfortable plastic chairs at the DMV under harsh fluorescent lights.

"So, how has school been for you?" James asked awkwardly. As if this wasn't the same conversation they had every night at dinner. "Now that your mom's not around, you can tell me the truth. I remember just how much Cooper used to try to keep from her."

He was a little surprised. Cooper seemed like the perfect son: handsome, talented, and ready to jump to his parents' assistance at a moment's notice. Had he been a troublemaker as a teen? He didn't ask about Cooper's high school antics, though. Instead, he looked back down to the number in his hand as he said, "It's fine. A little tougher than SHS was, but I'm managing."

"Well, you know you can always ask me or your mom for help. We actually met in an accounting class at Penn State, so we're pretty decent at math. I'm hopeless at science, though."

"Really?" he asked, perking up. "I didn't know you guys met in college."

"Oh yeah. We were just friends, of course, at first. But all those study sessions eventually turned into coffee dates, then into real dates." James smiled. "She could crack me up. Funniest person I knew - still is, but we probably shouldn't tell Cooper that or else we'd bruise his ego. I think that's where you two boys get your confidence to perform."

He scoffed.

"Come on, Cooper told us how great you were in that musical back in Sacramento. I think he wants you to follow in his footsteps, maybe start some brother duo act."

"I don't know," he said slowly. "I used to really like it, but I don't know now. I'm starting to kinda hate the idea of a spotlight on me."

"This is really tough on you, huh?"

He nodded, not sure if there were words that could explain how tired he was all the time. Even with the progress he was making in therapy, even as he became more comfortable in this new life, it was still so much.

"Know that I mean this with everything that I am, and not just because you're my son," his dad said, "you are the bravest person I know. Every day, you go out into a new and unknown world with your head held high. You have been put in such a scary situation and you are navigating it like a pro. But just know that you don't need to put on a brave face for your mom and me. If you need to be scared, or sad, or even angry, we understand and we love you."

He looked up into his dad's eyes at that. He hadn't realized just how much he needed to hear that. "Thanks," he said, trying to hide the emotion in his voice. "Um… dad."

Their number was called soon after, so they were spared from entering into a truly profound moment in the middle of a public institution. But he kept thinking about it as he watched James pull a birth certificate and social security card from a folder to pass over to the clerk. He thought about it as he completed the vision screen and the knowledge test. And he thought about it as he ran his hand over the smooth plastic card that had his picture next to the name Blaine Devon Anderson.

It wasn't like a switch had flicked and now everything was better, but… things were getting easier. Getting his permit, a real, solid, reassuring piece of evidence that affirmed who he was helped. Sometimes, when he couldn't fall asleep at night, he'd pull it out and look at it. He'd practice saying his name, letting the syllables roll off his tongue. Blaine Devon Anderson. Blaine.

Cooper was leaving to go back to LA, and he was a little worried about what it would be like when Cooper wasn't around to pull focus. Cooper was the person he felt the most normal around. But, James and Pam deserved a chance, too.

It was easy to think of Cooper as his brother, because a brother didn't seem to have as many strings attached. Chase, a boy he'd known back in Sacramento, had a step-father and a step-sister. He'd talked about how his step-sister had annoyed him as much as his real sister from the start, but had never warmed up to calling his step-father anything other than "George." Maybe parents just can't be replaced after a certain point.

But if they couldn't, why had it felt… not-bad to call James "dad" the other day? Why did he want them to feel like parents?

Matt, his therapist, told him that it was normal to have to adjust to calling his parents "mom" and "dad," but he seemed sure that it would happen eventually.

"You have so many changes going on around you right now, and so do they. I don't think that anyone is going to hold it against you if it takes you some time to warm up to them," Matt said.

Matt was big on metaphors and meditation. One week, they'd started their session by eating a clementine unbearably slowly (while contemplating the feel, the texture, the smell). He wasn't sure how that was supposed to help him figure out how to be Blaine Devon Anderson, but it did help the knot in his chest feel a little less tight.

Apparently, Dalton and its sister school, Crawford Country Day, held a combined Homecoming dance every fall. It was scheduled for the end of October, just a few days before Halloween. The boys that he sat with at lunch spent much of the time leading up to the dance discussing who they would be asking out, but he stayed away from the conversation.

He'd gone to all the school dances back in Sacramento, either with a group of friends or with Brian during their brief six-month long relationship. They hadn't exactly been the highlight of his teenage years, and certainly weren't the elaborate affairs that every TV show and movie will have you believe is the pinnacle of your high school career, but the experience surrounding the dances had always been enjoyable. He'd liked getting dressed up and going out to dinner with all of his closest friends. He'd loved the school spirit that suddenly came in full-force for the football game, only to be abandoned a week later.

He was quiet during these lunchtime conversations now.

"What about you, Blaine?" Jeff asked him a few days before the dance.

He looked up in confusion, thought it was, for once, not due to his name. "What about me what?"

"Are you planning on asking someone to the dance?"

He shook his head. "I wasn't planning to go."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I guess I just don't know enough people."

"Come on, man," Trent cut in, "dances here are actually cool. Dalton's loaded so they actually go all-out on the dances. One year, they rented out Dave and Busters for the after prom party."

He wasn't convinced. Even if there was more to do than stand in a dark gym and listen to loud music with a couple hundred sweaty teens, he would still feel uncomfortable.

"Hey, if you're worried about having a date, I'm sure I could ask Hannah if she's got any friends who need a date," Jeff offered kindly.

"Oh...um...no, I'm ..." he stuttered. "Girls aren't really my thing," he finally said.

"Oh," Jeff said. "Well I'm pretty sure that Sebastian's single? I mean, he's kind of a manwhore but -"

"No thanks," he said, cutting Jeff off. While he was happy that his classmates weren't making a big deal about him being gay, the lack of a date wasn't what was stopping him. "I think I'm going to lay low this weekend. Maybe next time."

For the rest of the afternoon though, one thought kept floating through his head — Do the Andersons know I'm gay?

How could he have forgotten to tell them?

He had a panicked five-minute phone call with Syd at the end of the school day. She was the first person he came out to, hopefully she would have some sage advice.

Unfortunately, Sydney was too busy laughing to dispense advice.

"I can't believe this, it's too good!"

"Syd, really, this is bad!"

"No, you need to look at this objectively, kid. You're so far out of the closet that you don't even realize that everyone else doesn't live in your rainbow-bedazzled world!"

"It's not funny!"

"But it is!"

"What if they don't want me anymore?"

That sobered her up quickly. "Kiddo," she said, "I mean this in the most loving way possible: You're an idiot. James and Pam tried so freaking hard to get you back over the last twelve years. They're not going to let something dumb like your wanting to smash uglies with another dude ruin that."

"But you don't know that. They could be huge homophobes."

"They love you, kid. That's all that matters. Now go tell them so I can get back to laughing at you for forgetting that the whole world doesn't already know you're gay."

In the end, Sydney had been right.

He had nervously sat down for dinner, trying to strategically plan his every word and movement. Unlike when he'd come out to Marilyn, where he was trying to distract her with the news, he wanted this to be a nonissue. Just another little quirk, like having an innie belly button, that they didn't need to spend the entire meal consumed with.

Unfortunately, his nerves took over.

Pam had probably just asked him something, maybe about school or if he liked the potatoes or just about anything else under the sun.

And instead of responding in a logical manner, he'd just looked up, stammered for a moment, then said, "I'm gay," in a too-loud voice.

Pam and James froze.

"Um, okay, son," James said.

"I just - I thought you should know because I've been out for a couple years but obviously you weren't there for that and there's a dance coming up at school so everyone was asking me if I was going to ask a girl and even if I was going to the dance I wouldn't go with a girl but I don't want to go anyway so that's not relevant and I guess it's important for you to know that about me because it's pretty important -"

Pam kindly cut off his rambling. "Honey," she said, "we know."

" - and I thought that —wait, you know? How?"

Pam's face was a portrait of restraint and kindness, though he could see mirth in her eyes.

"Well, for one thing, you wear your gay-straight alliance t-shirt pretty frequently and you have a rainbow patch on your backpack," Pam offered, "so those were good clues. But you've also mentioned an ex-boyfriend in therapy, and Cooper told us that Syd teased you for having a crush on him before."

"Oh," he said, feeling foolish. "I really mentioned Brian in therapy? I don't even remember that."

"It was while Dr. Wolfe was asking you about significant relationships," James added.

"We don't care," Pam said. "We love you just as you are."

In therapy, he told Matt about coming out to his parents.

"I mean, they are totally fine with it. So I don't get what's wrong, but I just feel —I don't know."

"Did you want them to be angry about you coming out?"

"No, of course not! Why would I want people to hate me for that?"

"I don't know. Maybe you wanted an excuse to go back to your old life."

He paused for a moment, letting Matt's words wash over him. "No, that's not it. It's just —I don't know. There's something else."

"Well, how did Marilyn react when you came out to her?"

"She was fine. I mean, I was using it to distract her to get something else I wanted, so her reaction wasn't really important."

"It wasn't important? You thought she was your mom, how could coming out to her not be important?"

"I don't mean it like that, I just mean, I'd wanted her to be so shocked she'd say yes to me going on a class trip. I didn't want her to just say, 'okay,' or whatever."

"And did she just 'say okay or whatever'?"

He wanted to say yes, but then he remembered. "Not… not exactly," he admitted. "She didn't say she hated me or anything, but there was this look. After that, she would sometimes look at me like I wasn't quite right."

Matt was quiet.

"Do you ...I mean, was she sitting there and realizing I wasn't the real Peter? Was she thinking that I wasn't the same as him?"

He was playing in a park he barely remembered. The sun shone through the branches of the trees, warming patches of pine needles.

Mom grabbed his hand in hers tightly —too tightly, like when she would hug him and it stopped feeling good and started feeling scary.

He was crying and screaming and no one was helping him. Mom stood there watching, with a look on her face. A look like he was all wrong.

He felt trapped. He wanted to get out, to get away, but the door was locked. This wasn't right.

"Blaine!"

Peter was thrashing in his bed, sheets wrapped around him, choking the air out of him. Lights were on, creating shadows in the strange room around him. Two people stood next to his bed. They were touching him and he didn't know them.

"Stop, please," Peter finally gasped.

"Honey, you need to stop moving," the woman said. "You're hurting yourself."

Something sounded familiar in her voice. Her eyes were warm and kind, but wide and scared. Did he know her?

"Who ...what?" Peter asked weakly.

"Blaine, honey, please calm down," the woman said again.

Blaine. Something about that clicked, like a key in a lock. He wasn't Peter. That wasn't his mom in his dream, that was the woman who took him away from these people —from his parents.

He stopped struggling and fell back onto his pillows. His dad's hands loosened the sheets and pulled them away from where they were tangled around his body.

"Are you with us?" his dad asked softly.

He nodded. He didn't want to look them in the eyes. What 16-year-old wakes up screaming in the middle of the night because of a nightmare?

He noticed Pam was keeping her distance, and instantly felt even worse. For her sake, he wished he could reach out and sink into a warm, comforting mother's hug. But he couldn't. Not with the confusion of the dream —or had it been a memory? —still so fresh. A mother's touch was too tied up and confused in his memory, and she knew it. That's why James was taking the lead in comforting him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" James asked.

He began to shake his head, then thought better of it and nodded. "It was a memory, I think," he said slowly. "At least partly. I was playing and then Mar- she grabbed me and I was crying for help. It just felt so… so wrong. I needed to get away."

He saw James and Pam exchange a look.

"Well, you're safe now," Pam said. "Do you think you'll be able to go back to sleep?"

He was still shaking a bit and felt entirely awake. A quick glance at the clock on his nightstand revealed that it was a little after three o'clock in the morning. He didn't think he'd be able to fall back asleep for at least a few hours, and then he'd just have to get back up for school. He shook his head.

"Then how about some hot chocolate instead?"

He nodded and followed Pam and James downstairs. Both adults were shooting concerned looks towards him when they thought he wouldn't notice. He didn't bother trying to call them out; they should be concerned. He was concerned. He'd had plenty of nightmares since coming to Ohio and learning the truth, but this was the first time he hadn't been able to contain his fear.

Pam and James tried to get him to talk, but his brain felt sluggish. He couldn't keep up with them. Finally, the three settled into seats in the living room to watch whatever movie was unpopular enough to get the four AM time slot.

Eventually, he must have fallen asleep, because he was suddenly waking up with an immense pain in his neck from the awkward position his head had been resting in. Sunlight was streaming brightly through the windows, and James and Pam were nowhere to be seen.

He padded into the kitchen, to deposit his empty mug in the sink and realized that it was far later in the day than he'd realized - nearly noon. Before he could decide whether he should get something to eat, shower, or just throw on his uniform and rush to school, Pam walked into the kitchen.

"Oh!" she said, holding a hand up to her heart in surprise. "I didn't hear you get up."

"Sorry," he said, not entirely sure what he was apologizing for, or why.

"Oh, no worries. Are you feeling better after a little sleep?"

"Yeah," he said, stretching his arms above his head. "Why didn't you guys wake me up for school? Shouldn't you be at work?"

"You looked so peaceful, and we figured that you could really use some sleep. Plus, I thought it might be fun for us to both play hooky today."

He smiled. Trips with just him and Marilyn had always been special, and even the revelation that she'd taken him couldn't erase the good feelings associated with those memories. The idea of getting to build some of those experiences with Pam —with his real mother - was exciting.

"Yeah, that sounds fun. What were you thinking we could do?"

"Well, there's the zoo and aquarium in Columbus, or some nice parks to walk through. We could go to the mall if you want to do any shopping, or see a movie. Or we could just hang out here, if you'd prefer a quieter day."

"The zoo sounds nice," he said. "But I think I need to shower first. And maybe have breakfast? Or, I guess it's lunch at this point."

"How about I make a couple sandwiches for us while you hop in the shower and then we head out in a little over an hour."

The zoo was a lot more fun than he'd been expecting. It was a little chilly out, so not many people wanted to be walking around, and since it was still the middle of the day, most of the visitors were nannies and toddlers.

He and Pam didn't talk much, but simply walking together and occasionally pointing out animals that they found especially interesting was nice. He also ended up learning a lot more about Pam than he'd realized. At the wolf exhibit, she made an off-hand comment about living with wolves. He'd looked at her like she had grown an extra head.

"I can't believe we haven't told you this story yet!" She'd happily exclaimed. "The summer after your father and I graduated from Penn State, we went on a vacation to Alaska. We had no idea what we would do there, just that we wanted to get as far away as possible before starting our careers, and neither of us had a passport. Day one, we just happened to drive past a wolf sanctuary and decided to see what it was about. We ended up canceling all our other reservations and stayed there and helped out for a week. We nearly tried to sneak one of the pups home with us!"

He thought about sharing the story of the time he'd seen a family of black bears in Yosemite, but thought better of it. Yes, it was a fun story to tell, but today was all about making new memories, not dredging up ones that he'd made with Marilyn. Plus, it was nice to see Pam so happy and carefree. She looked so much younger when she wasn't constantly worrying about him.

While the wolves were fun, the aquarium was, without question, their favorite exhibit. They were able to sit on the floor, backs against one glass wall, and watch the fish swim by. The light filtering through the water was hypnotic and the quiet peace was something he hadn't even realized he was missing. Lately, all silences were awkward, or filled with heavy expectation, or the terrifying silences after his nightmares. This silence, however, just was. They sat next to each other and were able to simply be without expectations.

Finally, though, Pam had to break the silence. "There's something else I wanted to talk to you about today."

"Yeah?"

"Well, you've been home for a couple months now, and everyone in our family is getting really anxious to meet you. Again."

Oh.

"Your father and I were wondering if you'd be comfortable if we invited the whole family over for Thanksgiving. That way, we could get it all over in one fell swoop. But, if you think meeting everyone in smaller groups would be easier, we will gladly just have a small, family Thanksgiving."

Neither option sounded great. On the one hand, he could meet everyone at once and rip the metaphorical band-aid off. But he would be totally overwhelmed by the crowd. On the other hand, he could prolong the process and spend the next several months meeting new family members over and over and over again.

"I know you said family, but maybe, could we invite Sydney and her parents too? I know Cali's pretty far, but they're like family to me, too -"

"Of course," Pam said. "It would be lovely to have them."

"Okay. Then I think,maybe just meeting everyone at once? I've never had a big Thanksgiving before, so that could be nice."

Pam smiled sadly and patted his knee. "I think that's a great idea."